I'm lost:( deeply love an asexual. I'm sexual... please help

[patrickseminole]

I am dating a girl, who is a very independent girl, didnt need anybody... well, after months of pursuit (she was worth it!) we have been together for nearly a year. I would say we are both very much in love with each other... Emotionally, we meet each others' needs in a way I've never had with another partner. But we have not had sex. We've done everything else, but I have to say I'm the one with the appetite... She keeps telling me to have patience... patience with her got me to her in the first place. She's had sex one time in her life, 4 years ago... she's 26 btw... she dumped the guy the next day. She didnt like him and felt pressured into losing her virginity to him. She claims there are no issues from that (I wonder though). Finally, she has told me that she read an article on 'asexual people' and she said she thinks she is. She said "I love you, and I need you in my life, but I just never have the urge to have sex". She doesn't think about it. She told me in her heart, she wants to make love to me, she only wants to be with ME... but she said that sex to her is gross, she cringes at the thought of it... I'm confused. Because I see that people that claim asexuality just aren't needing or wanting sex, that they view people on a personality level etc... but i don't see a trend among them that they are repulsed by sex. So I need to know if she is really asexual, or if she has a mental hang up from something that causes her to withdraw, and claiming asexuality is just the easiest way to label her fear. One more piece of info... she left a few weeks back for an internship in another city, so we are apart for the time being. The night before she left, I tried to be intimate with her, and she didnt want to. I got really hurt... not yelling or angry, but I was so hurt, so rejected feeling. She told me i just don't excite her sexually. I asked her, "but you love me?" and she said yes. And I said, "so then I'm just a plutonic friend" and she could see the hurt in my eyes. She started crying so much, and begging me not to leave her. She said her life is so wonderful with me and she loves me so much. And I believe her, I do, I feel so much love from her, and I love her so much.

A while back, she even said she'd speak to a sex counselor to see if there is a problem with her, or if she just is asexual. I know she masturbates occassionally (not that often, but she does), she has orgasm with me, from other means, and I just need to know what to make out of all of this... I love this girl with all my heart, and I'd like to think there is a way to be togetehr. But the truth is I do want sex. I've lasted a year without it, so it's not like I need it everyday, twice a day. But I do want to make love to the person I'm with and in love with. I feel that making love is one expression of love. And I am a firm believer in the natural urge, as we are still animals.

Without this hangup in our relationship, I'd say there is a good chance at a longtime life together... Sorry for the length of this, but my emotions are in a knot, and I just don't know what to do... i'm so happy i found this forum....

thanks

[patrickseminole]

When I was out of town a few months back, we just happened to have a anniversary of sorts, of when we had actually met each other last year.... I was supposed to return in the evening on that day, and we would spend it together. But flight delays caused me to get in very late, I didnt see her till the next day. She told me she was ready to make love that night, too bad I was delayed.... and she hasn't been in the mood since. Do you have any idea what an awful comment I took that as? I mean, I was glad she felt the urge, but to tell me that was like toying with my emotions... I didnt know what to make of that. And do asexuals really ever occassionally have the urge? Not like doing it just to make the partner happy, but actually have the urge (she claims it was a real urge, she was horny for sex with me).

hmmm....

[LonePiper]

What you have to understand is that all asexuals are different. Human sexuality is a big, incredibly complex thing and nobody ever slots neatly into any kind of category (or rarely anyway).

Some asexuals do feel the urge to have sex. The defining feature of asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction after all. It's like cake. (Isn['t everything?) Maybe you like the taste of cake, but you usually don't feel like it. Or maybe you like the taste and not the smell of vice versa. Its pretty limited as an analogy, but I hope you get the picture.

In the end I think that the usual solution is going to have to apply to this as it has for so many discussions in the past. You really need to talk to her about it. In depth. While we can give you general advice and information, none of us know you or your girlfriend. I'm not implying that I think you expect us to solve all your problems, I'm just stressing the importance of talking to her. You are the only people who can work this out in the end.

The most important thing to keep in mind, and I know it could be incredibly difficult, is to understand that her not wanting sex is not any kind of attack on you if she is asexual. You should never think that she doesn't love you just because she doesn't want sex.

[cijay]

She's the only one who'll know if she's asexual or if she's just repressing something like being 'forced' to have sex before she wanted it.

If she wants to go to a sex therapist, she may as well be prepared for the therapist to say there's something wrong with HER and prescribe drugs, psychiatric counciling and a few other things so she may as well save her money and time.

The last part, about her telling you "too bad you missed it" sounds like she was toying with you. Esp. going from "cringing and hating the thought of it" to being horny when you weren't there and it was beyond your control to GET there.

[jakendy]

First of all , congratulations Patrick for your love. :D I think it must be very hard for the both of you, but I also think everything will turn alright in the end :D and this is what you must believe as well, have a little faith in love :)

I don not know her and I am sorry I cannot tell you if she is asexual or not, but I can answer your question. I am asexual and indifferent towards intimate physical contact..never felt the urge or the interest..but until a few weeks ago I had the same idea as your loved one, that sex is gross..I don't know why I thought that, I never had any unpleasent experience like she did. Fortunetly ,thanks to my friend, I now know that when love is involved , it may be one of the most beautiful things that a human being can share..it's another expression of love and self-giving. I hope that in time she will see that too..I am inclined to think that she may not be asexual,because she had the urge and she is just backing away because she is afraid..but I might be wrong. I was about to suggest showing her step by step that it's not a terrible thing (especially because you love her) but I see that it has already been a year..so my suggestion is that she ..or the both of you go to a therapist and discuss your option. I am holding my fingers crossed for you and I hope you will tell us is everthing worked out..it might take a week, a month,another year..but be sure that the both of you will get thru it in the end :D

[Ereinion]

Welcome to Aven!!!

She told me she was ready to make love that night, too bad I was delayed.... and she hasn't been in the mood since. Do you have any idea what an awful comment I took that as? I mean, I was glad she felt the urge, but to tell me that was like toying with my emotions...

First a quick thing about me. I am asexual and have a relationship with a sexual man.

About your second post. i don't think she was toying with you. I think this is something she wants to work on, you also mentioned she wants to seek counsel. I also thought I wanted sex with my boyfriend sometimes, while he was away. But now I guess that I would never have that feeling on that moment when he was really there. (Do you know what I mean) By telling you that she felt this way, I think, she wanted to tell you that there might be hope that the situation is changing, because she hopes that too. Because she loves you. Ehm.....I really hope you understand what i am saying, it is hard to explain. But if she really is asexual there is no other thing then accept it.

It is clear that she loves you and you love her. You really have to keep up the conversation. Only then the relationship can continue to work.

For myselve I am not repulsed by sex, I think it is boring. But my boyfriend and i have found a way (a compromise) that works for the both of us. But still it is hard from time to time.

I hope this helped a little. Good luck with your relationship.

[Lady Heartilly]

First of all I want to say that I felt really touched after reading that story. It was so nice to hear about a genuine bond between two people who really and truly care about each other.

Now, when you say you think it's unusual for asexuals to be repulsed by sex, I'm not necessarily sure that's true. I mean, yes, not all asexuals are repulsed by it, but there are some who are, and it doesn't necessarily imply any psychological problems. I mean, you could be repulsed by spiders because they're tiny and creepy and just look disgusting, but that doesn't mean you necessarily had a bad experience with spiders at some point in your life that traumatized you.

As for her saying she felt read that one time, I think it's because there's nobody who's 100% sexual or 100% asexual; there are those in between, but it's usually mostly one or the other. Maybe she was having a very rare sexual urge that she hardly ever gets. I can't really be sure about that though so don't take this too seriously, but that's just what I would interpret it as.

I really do wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out in the end because it sounds like the two of you have a lovely relationship and it would be a shame to see it end over sex. I guess you'll just have to work out some sort of compromise system when the time comes, and just remember that neither of you should force the other to do something they don't want.

[Xenoglyph]

I believe that if you had arrived on time, and she did feel the need to make love to you and that night you had sex, there is a strong possibility that it could have ended up breaking up your relationship. There was also the chance that it could have made your relationship more wonderful and even stronger.

Just understand that what you have right now is beautiful, and if something happens because you decide to "take it to the next level" it could end up ruining what love you have. Is the risk of ruining your love with her worth sex?

I am not trying to push you in either way. But sometimes it is difficult to not be able to have the things you want, that you know you must have because it is a part of love... I think the best thing to do is to let her go to counseling, but keep talking to her about it, tell her that wether or not she is interested in sex you will still love her. Tell her that even though she is going through counseling that it is her choice and not her therapists, let her know that it is alright wether she is asexual or not.

If things start getting really bad you may have to try and force yourself to become asexual as well, personally I think it is possible, but I don't know if it is the road you want to take...

I don't know enough about your relationship to make big assumptions, just generic ones, but the last thing you should be with her is distant, if you start finding it difficult to talk to her then she may feel that you don't love her anymore or worse, are cheating on her.

I'm sorry for being so depressing and just talking about all the negative things, but I understand that those negative things are what you fear most, and by confronting you with them it is easiest to confront your problems.

The key factor is: don't risk losing this beautiful relationship you have with her, unless having sex is that impotant to you to express your love.

[LostPenguin]

*raises hand* I'm one of those not-so-average asexuals who is usually repulsed by sex. I have my days where I think that ultimately, if I wasn't asexual or could somehow overcome it, I'd like to do it with my SO someday in the future just because it seems appropriate- but about 94% of the time, I feel horrified, repulsed, disgusted about it. It may or may not be completely tied to my asexuality.

Still, try to not take it personally if she doesn't want to have sex with you. If she is asexual, which it sounds like she may very well be, there is every possibility she loves you entirely but simply doesn't view that as a way of showing her love for you and isn't interested in it because of that. It seems as though you've had a lot of patience with her, and I hope you guys can find a way to make it through this.

[patrickseminole]

Well, even yesterday she told me she was missing me and wanted me there and was 'in the mood'.... I certainly have the patience to let her figure out what her true situation is. She even, crying, has told me in the past how sorry she is, that she knows it's not normal, and that maybe it can't work because of our different sexual appetites. But I assured her I would not end a relationship so important to me over sex. That is the last thing on my mind.

I realize that I will have to adapt if this is indeed just how she is. I'd like to think that we can come up with a compromise that makes us both happy, and alot of people have recommended and shared some great ideas and experiences in here that give me hope. She has commented in the past "I guess I'll just let you make love to me when you want to, to make you happy" but I turned down that option because I refuse to let her allow me to 'use her' for my own needs. I told her that she and I will make love when she's ready, and only then. I feel like the longer i give her to figure out what she wants/needs sexually is a show of respect for her as she is. And ultimately, that patience and allowance of space and freedom to decide is what I feel keeps bringing us closer.

I do feel that she has become more open about being sexual since being with me. She never dated anyone before me who she felt comfortable with in an intimate way (sexually). So part of me just feels like she might be a really late bloomer. She was raised in a family where no one talked about sex... she was never in relationships, except for the one 4 years ago, where things were serious enough to bring sex to the forefront, and even in that one as I mentioned, it was a pressured situation.

So maybe I'm the one who she'll finally come out of her shell with, maybe I'm the one who she finally feels comfortable enough with to express herself physically with. Maybe by being the first person to give her the choice and freedom to develop those feelings and decide what feels right will create the comfort zone she's been waiting for.... And maybe not... maybe she is this way and we will have to come up with a compromise....

It's good to just write all these thoughts out... thanks for the good input, people.

[Xenoglyph]

:cry: You are such a great boyfriend!

[Wario]

I most definitely agree! Bravo! If only more people like you existed in the world, I'm almost consider dating myself! But only almost.

[Cela]

It's so nice to hear that there is people like you out there. She is a very lucky girl to have someone so patient and caring. :D

I'm really glad it worked out for you. And that it happend in a way that didnt make her feel pushed or accused.

I belive in you two :)

Cela

[Ereinion]

It's great that you treat her that way! :D

It surely is the most important thing to do, let her decide what she wants and how far she wants to go. You are great!!!

[noodle]

I agree with others here. It is great that you care for her regardless BUT i understand that the situation is probably very confusing for you both.

The only thing I would add here, having been in a situation with someone who wanted sex (and I didnt) is to try not to make too big an issue of it. I so relate to your gf getting upset and saying she feels abnormal and I totally relate to her stong urge of wanting to see a therapist in the hope of making things right for you both BUT the more you both concentrate on what you havent got the more distressing a situation can become. (if that makes sense)

I spent so long trying to fix things for us that we forgot why we cared for each other in the first place.

I wish you both every happiness and hope that through good communication you can maybe find some middle ground?

[alphabetsoup]

This thread was very interesting to me, because I can really relate to girl in this situation.

I'm in a relationship with a great guy, who is sexual. I think that I'm probably asexual.

Let me tell you...it's confusing.

More than anything, I like to know he's happy. I enjoy lots of physical things with him, but anything penetrative....is just not that exciting. I'm not repulsed, so I differ from your situation there. However, I can understand what she must be going through and commend you for being there for her.

Below the belt things with my boyfriend I enjoy purely in the way that I know it makes him happy. However, he's super concerned about my happiness in all of it, and just wants to do things that "make me feel good", and hates doing anything "self-indulgent" where I'm not getting physical pleasure, so it's very confusing. He definitely sees it as an extention of love.

I wish so much that I could give him the reactions he wants, probably much like your girlfriend wishes. However, it just doesn't happen.

If things are taken very slowly, I am more comfortable in more and more physical things. My advice would be not to give up completely, but to move very slow and make sure she's fine with every step. Each time you are physically intimate. I know I change in what I'm okay with every time.

I too, never felt comfortable with any physicality until I met my boyfriend. He's "convinced" me to do a lot more than I ever thought I would be able to. ("convince" not meaning a negative way)

As far as feeling horny for you when you weren't there...that could be true. Or it could be wishful thinking on her part. Either way, it apparently isn't how she feels the majority of the time. So yeah, advice: Keep it slow going each time you're intimate. If there is pushing to go farther, let her do it, or do it yourself very slowly with plenty of chances for her to back out. Sex isn't impossible. I understand the hurt she must feel being concerned with sex dividing you two up and not being able to give you what you want. If she's anything like me, then if sex does occur, her enjoyment, if she finds any, will be from knowing you're happy. Which, you probably know, is truly a great joy and not a comprimise. Knowing your partner is happy is a wonderful feeling. If she really is repulsed though, the repulsion would probably win out over other emotions. She might be able to enjoy it though, if you are.

Don't push her for sex. If the situation comes up, make sure six dozen times that she's okay with going through with it, and try to be in enough control to stop things if she really isn't enjoying it.

Finally, don't try to talk her out of asexuality. Her label is her choice. Even if she ends up having sex and doesn't mind it, let her label herself what she is comfortable with.

I'm very impressed that you're being this understanding about everything. She's a lucky girl.

Peas out

-alphabetsoup

[Hallucigenia]

I think I sort of understand the bit about wanting sex when she missed you but not when you were there; I think I've often had similar patterns myself. For example, when I was separated from my ex-boyfriend for several weeks over the last summer, I missed him terribly and had some very sexual feelings towards him. When we finally were able to meet each other again, I was very disoriented and felt - well, not nothing in the way of attraction to him, but staggeringly less that what I'd worked myself up to expect to feel. I've had that happen several times and it was very confusing!

I think it's partly that people who aren't there (either because they don't exist, or just because you have no way of accessing them at the moment) are a lot safer to feel certain things towards. Also, because we have grown up in such a sexual culture, it's possible to sort of take the feeling of missing someone and sort of automatically channel it into a vague desire for a sexual situation, even when actually getting into such a sexual situation would still be very uncomfortable. It's kind of an emotional overcompensation.

I'm not sure if that actually made any sense; maybe I'll be able to explain it better later. Anyway, as many other people on this thread have said, you seem very commendably devoted to your girlfriend and I wish you both well.

[Cupcake]

... I missed him terribly and had some very sexual feelings towards him. When we finally were able to meet each other again, I was very disoriented and felt - well, not nothing in the way of attraction to him, but staggeringly less that what I'd worked myself up to expect to feel. I've had that happen several times and it was very confusing!

I think it's partly that people who aren't there (either because they don't exist, or just because you have no way of accessing them at the moment) are a lot safer to feel certain things towards. Also, because we have grown up in such a sexual culture, it's possible to sort of take the feeling of missing someone and sort of automatically channel it into a vague desire for a sexual situation, even when actually getting into such a sexual situation would still be very uncomfortable. It's kind of an emotional overcompensation.

Hallucigenia, I'm so glad you made this statement. I've always felt exactly the same way, and it's one of the reasons I've been so often confused about my asexuality. I mean, how can I feel like I desire sex, but when presented with an 'ideal' situation where it could happen, I know I absolutely do not want it, ever?

I also feel that I can somehow want someone differently when that person is far away or otherwise way out of my reach. I think I'm even more drawn to them since I know on a basic level that the issue of sex will likely never present itself. i.e., it's nonthreatening because it's more akin to fantasy, not imminent reality. I hope that makes sense.

I've come to a similar conclusion as well. I think that, growing up, (partly through popular culture) I was convinced (or brainwashed) into believing that I must want sex. There was no option of asexuality, and the only way I couldn't want sex, especially in a love relationship, would mean I was somehow 'broken' or abnormal, you know? Therefore, I think that whenever I felt a strong and deep need to be close to someone and to connect with that person, I convinced myself subconsciously that that had to mean that I must want to have sex with that person also. Because that's what was 'normal' and what happens all the time for most other people.

(Also, I feel I was sort of hoodwinked by 'cleaned up' representations of sexuality; from the romanticized, idealized and glamourized versions I saw in films and pop culture, it seemed that sex was nothing more than passionate cuddling; nothing invasive, and no fluid exchange required.)

Then, when I inevitably felt utterly repelled and turned off by the reality of sex and all that it would really entail, I was naturally quite puzzled. However, after several years of reflection, I'm quite certain that, despite the occasional 'phantom' urges that I mentioned, I am asexual as I can honestly say that I would never go through the act out of any real desire or need to do so. In the real world, as opposed to wishful thinking and fantasy, sex pretty much has always had zero appeal for me.

It's good to know I'm not the only one who's experienced some of these feelings.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

To the author of this post: I'm very glad you shared your story. It renews my hope for humanity in general and sexual males in particular. It's very comforting to know that there are truly caring and loving people in this world who value deep connections and genuine love over physical concerns, and are willing to work hard and have great patience in order to preserve and nurture those connections.

The best of luck to you both. I hope with all my heart that you two will work things out well.

[pepelutivursky]

I too, never felt comfortable with any physicality until I met my boyfriend. He's "convinced" me to do a lot more than I ever thought I would be able to. ("convince" not meaning a negative way)

You know, I thought myself asexual for a while with my ex. I wasn't interested in sexual activity of any sort, I didn't enjoy public displays of affection and I did my best to keep him at arm's length because of it. With him, any kind of closeness indicated a wish for sex and I really missed cuddling/hugs and general closeness, though I didn't miss the sex.

Now with this boyfriend, it's a completely different story. Because the relationship isn't about sex and, if I'm not in the mood, I'm not labeled frigid and I don't recieve those little half-chiding comments.

My point is this - whether it's asexuality, hangups or a little bit of both will take some time for both of you to figure out. A sex counsler might be good but you must remember to take what is said with a grain of salt and an eye on what makes her and you comfortable.

You're doing fantastic so far and... well, personally, I don't blame you for feeling somewhat slighted at the "oh if only you had been here yesterday" comment. If she understand what sex means to you as part of a loving relationship, that comment makes it seem all the more like you only wanted to be with her that night for the supposed sex.

[Margitt]

You write that she masturbates with you. Couldn't you find a way of having sex together without actually having sex? Perhaps she just doesn't like the full sexact. You could marsturbate each other, have some sexgames or perhaps have the agreement, some couple have, that the sexual partner has a sexfriend. Theese are the options you have if she will never have sex with you, and perhaps you are so lucky that suddently one day she will. But you can't count on that.

I wish you both good luck and happiness!

[jilliancnow23]

If you deeply love someone and you want to have sex with her then that's fine, if she's sexual. But, she's an Asexual. Plus, you both have a good life together without sex. Why would you want to spoil that? 8)

[skiter]

Dump her, for both your sakes.

It will be painful to split up, but the pain will only be worse down the road, after your marriage breaks up. Hopefully you won't have kids in the mix.

If you girlfriend cared about your needs, if the chemistry was right, you would be having sex. But it's not going to happen. You've tried this out for a year. And it's not working. Better to accept the truth now.

Let her go. She should find an asexual partner. You should be with a sexual woman.

[hot.tubes]

Hi and thank-you to the makers, organizers of and contributors to this site. It's already given me some clarity on my situation and I hope it to help my friend who is trying to understand her own sexuality.

She and I (a rather sexual male) had tried dating over the summer. We had a highly physical relationship (never reaching actual sex) at the time though I realize to a great degree it was her desire to please me and following my lead more so then her own sex drive.

Though emotionally I believe we were great, we split when she went out of province for a couple months knowing that there was a level of sexual incompatibility.

We didn't make an effort to see each other in the following months as we got settled into our respective schools but recently started to get together again.

I spent the night with her in which I again explored the boundaries of her sexuality trying to focus on massage and less direct stimulation.

The next day we talked and she expressed her suspicion that she was asexual. I believe we had discussed this as a possibility before so I wasn't very surprised.

She expresses a feeling of being very safe with me and enjoys how some of my advances increase her feelings of femininity. I've definitely played the role of the "disbelieving stud" trying every trick I knew to awaken the sexuality in my willing partner to no avail.

I spent some time chewing on our situation as I love her and feel I need her to be a close part of my life. I'm undergoing some life changes that include detox and she is one of the few friends I can trust and count on to be sober.

After a good amount of reflection I sat down with her and told her that I wanted to support her sexuality (she had reached out to a gay friend and was told to hit the hormone pills, so I know she's looking for support).

I encouraged her to go online to find similar people to talk to and become more comfortable in it (I sent her a link). I also explained that I love her very much and wanted to continue a close friendship that includes a good amount of cuddling and the odd kiss, which she appreciates.

My parents marriage, separation and following relationships have left me with a more flexible view of love, marriage and family. I believe in polyamoury as a more likely solution then monogamy in my life, contrary to my religious upbringing. I'm curious to see how my friend and I shall fair, how my future partners will react to me having an asexual friend that I cuddle up with from time to time.

Above all I'm glad we cleared up our intentions for one another.

Thanks again for the support.

I'll expand on things further later I'm sure.

[sonofzeal]

All the best, hot.tubes. Hope it works out.