Is it possible to "become" aromantic?

[PuppiesKittensAndBirds]

Hi guys,

So, I have been on this forum for a while, questioning my sexual orientation. I am 24. I have decided that I am definitely asexual. I have a libido, but can't even stand the idea of having sex with a person, and embracing my asexual identity was a relief. I am so happy to know I will never have to get intimate with anyone.

However, I have had crushes on men all my life and I enjoyed having crushes, until recently.

Now the idea of being someone's girlfriend, or dating seems repulsive to me.

I am a shy person, I also suffer from depression and social anxiety, which makes me a very reserved, isolated character. But I don't have problem with making friends when I want to. I don't hate the idea of having friends. I just don't like anything involving romance. So, contrary to what everyone around me thinks, this is not about shyness.

I have never kissed, cuddled or actually been on a date with a real person. I only tried online dating when I was 18, and when the guy declared himself as my boyfriend, I felt disgusted, like I was infected with some kind of deadly virus. I hated every single moment of that relationship. He broke up with me anyway in three weeks, because I wasn't into cyber sex.

So, I am thinking, maybe I was always an aromantic and unable to see it because the society keeps imposing the idea that "relationships are wonderful." Just like being asexual is a relief, I feel like considering myself an aromantic will be a relief as well.

What do you think? Is there anyone who experienced something similar to this?

[C-Lo]

In your experience, would you say your crushes were really "crushes"? Perhaps they were something else altogether that is not romantic?

[PuppiesKittensAndBirds]

In your experience, would you say your crushes were really "crushes"? Perhaps they were something else altogether that is not romantic?

You might be right. I don't know how you define a "crush" but here is how I felt about them: I wanted them to be my "boyfriend" and I wanted everyone to know about our relationship. I wanted them to support me emotionally, to love me romantically, but without anything sexual. Maybe it was just a childish, selfish fantasy to prove myself to others because I feel like I have grown out of those fantasies now. I am not even sure I would have agreed on going on a date with them if they had actually asked me.

[C-Lo]

The idea of so called romance and images of romance permeate our culture everywhere. Is it possible you were acting out what your younger self might have thought was expected of you?

When I was young in my teens, I basically convinced myself that I needed to have sex. Why? Well because that's what everyone else was doing. So I believed that's what I needed to do as well. And if I dated anyone (which has been a rarity in my life even to this day) then sex and romance was to be an expected.

Bull shit.

Thank god I never gave in and did anything I wasn't comfortable with in the first place. But my point is, younger people (or anyone for that matter) can be easily influenced by what a culture defines as "normal" and expected.

[Star Bit]

Could you elaborate on what "love me romantically" means to you?

[KendraPM]

Maybe you were attracted to the idea of being in a romantic relationship (with certain people), but repulsed by the reality of it? I've heard some people talk about that before.

[Star Bit]

Maybe you were attracted to the idea of being in a romantic relationship (with certain people), but repulsed by the reality of it? I've heard some people talk about that before.

Wouldn't that be Lithromantic aka Aporomantic?

[PuppiesKittensAndBirds]

Could you elaborate on what "love me romantically" means to you?

As far as I can remember, I wanted them to love me, protect me, support me, etc. You know, the usual fairy tale stuff you see in movies.

Maybe you were attracted to the idea of being in a romantic relationship (with certain people), but repulsed by the reality of it? I've heard some people talk about that before.

Wouldn't that be Lithromantic aka Aporomantic?

I'm still kind of new here, so I don't know what they mean. Even if I was Lithromantic or Aporomantic at some point, I'm not anymore. For the last couple of years, the whole idea of romance seems pointless to me. I feel repulsed by the idea of someone being romantically interested in me. Have I changed, or is such a change even possible in the first place? That's what I am curious about.

[LittlePupkin]

Our feelings can change with time - this applies equally to feelings about romance and sex. For instance, in the past I considered myself bisexual, and even felt I had a slight sexual preference for men. Over time, however, I felt less and less attracted to men/masculine people, and eventually now I'd say I'm pretty much exclusively attracted to women.

What's important is how you feel right now, not how you felt 5 years ago or how you might feel 5 years in the future. If 'aromantic' fits how you feel now, then it's a good identity for you. It's literally just a label for your own feelings. Clearly, if you don't feel you were aromantic before, and now you are aromantic, it is 'possible to become aromantic' - you've done it! Or maybe you were aromantic all along. Who knows? The important thing, as I said, is right now and for the conceivable future, you are aromantic.

If you feel unsure still, you could always use 'aromantic' with a qualifier - 'I'm basically aromantic', 'functionally aromantic right now'.

Here's a good comic about identities shifting over time: http://www.robot-hugs.com/identity-shift/

[PuppiesKittensAndBirds]

Our feelings can change with time - this applies equally to feelings about romance and sex. For instance, in the past I considered myself bisexual, and even felt I had a slight sexual preference for men. Over time, however, I felt less and less attracted to men/masculine people, and eventually now I'd say I'm pretty much exclusively attracted to women.

What's important is how you feel right now, not how you felt 5 years ago or how you might feel 5 years in the future. If 'aromantic' fits how you feel now, then it's a good identity for you. It's literally just a label for your own feelings. Clearly, if you don't feel you were aromantic before, and now you are aromantic, it is 'possible to become aromantic' - you've done it! Or maybe you were aromantic all along. Who knows? The important thing, as I said, is right now and for the conceivable future, you are aromantic.

If you feel unsure still, you could always use 'aromantic' with a qualifier - 'I'm basically aromantic', 'functionally aromantic right now'.

Here's a good comic about identities shifting over time: http://www.robot-hugs.com/identity-shift/

Wow, that was really helpful, thank you so much. I feel really comfortable with the "asexual aromantic" right now and I wouldn't mind remaining an asexual aromantic for the rest of my life. But I wouldn't mind if it changed in the future, either.

[NudistOnStrike]

It is 100% possible to "become" aro. It's a spectrum, where you fit on that spectrum may change every month, week, day. A lot of people are very "fluid" on the spectrum. You don't have to pick one orientation and stick with it your entire life, it might change and there is nothing wrong with that

[KendraPM]

Maybe you were attracted to the idea of being in a romantic relationship (with certain people), but repulsed by the reality of it? I've heard some people talk about that before.

Wouldn't that be Lithromantic aka Aporomantic?

I though Lithromantic was when you didn't require and/or want the other person to have romantic feelings towards you, but still had romantic feelings on your side of things (feelings that fade once it's reciprocated, but romantic feelings there none the less.) This seems more like; there are no romantic feelings on your side of things, but you enjoy the fantasy of having romantic feelings on the other person's side.

[Autumn Season]

OK, next guess! xD Cupioromantic: Aromantic wanting to be in a romantic relationship.

[Star Bit]

Maybe you were attracted to the idea of being in a romantic relationship (with certain people), but repulsed by the reality of it? I've heard some people talk about that before.

Wouldn't that be Lithromantic aka Aporomantic?

I though Lithromantic was when you didn't require and/or want the other person to have romantic feelings towards you, but still had romantic feelings on your side of things (feelings that fade once it's reciprocated, but romantic feelings there none the less.) This seems more like; there are no romantic feelings on your side of things, but you enjoy the fantasy of having romantic feelings on the other person's side.

Ah, ok, then that wouldn't be Lith. Though maybe Autumn Season has a point; maybe it's Cupio-Lithromantic.

@the OP

aka stands for "also known as"

Lith and Apo are the same thing but it has an alternative, and might i add far more accurate, title because there is supposedly an issue with the lesbian community finding out the term was inspired by their Stone term (eventhough it's called something different but means the same thing; lith). It was also given another alternative name, but Apo is the only one with a prefix that isn't a metaphor. Lith/Aporomantic means romantic reciprocation causes a negative to indifferent reaction; more precisely over time or immediately causing indifference, loss of interest, or repulsion. But it doesn't sound like you have romantic attraction; it just sounds like you want their attention. They're all about you; what you want them to do to you, but what do you want to do for them? The things you mentioned aren't all that romantic either, so idk if you even desire one. But Liths can go by Aromantic if they want; as the term means anyone who cannot feel romantic attraction or can have romantic feelings but does not desire such a relationship.

According to AVEN "Romantic attraction is a very difficult thing to pin down. Put as simply as possible, it is a distinct fondness or affection toward someone that differs from what you would feel toward friends, family, or people you admire. It may be characterized by a unique, almost surreal anxious-euphoria when sensing or thinking about this person and is distinguishable from hero worship. It typically involves butterflies in the stomach, heart fluttering or “melting” when interacting with them, some obsessiveness, all over warm and fuzzy feeling, and being swept into a dreamy state of mind, but experiences may vary depending on the individual and intensity of the case. Desires such as wanting to bond or be physically close with them are extremely common when experiencing romantic attraction, but there is no desire exclusive to romantic attraction, nor are desires necessarily present at all when being romantically attracted to someone."

So with all the wants and unwants that are possible in a romantic relationship, it's left up to an emotion, and emotions don't translate well into words so it's then left up to your own interpretation. But it at least involves soft/fuzzy feelings and a fixation which can differ in intensity by person.

[DigitalBookDust]

I think I was MAYBE more grey-romantic when younger. I'm not really sure. If I had encountered the notion of "aromanticism" even then, I suspect I would have embraced (pun intended) it. Now, at age 54, I have no doubt that I'm ace and aro (and agender, just to round things out, alliteratively).

OP, I think it's wonderful that you are seeking others' ideas but remember that YOU are the only one who can decide which term really fits. I know some people bitch about labeling, but I like words and playing with them and find labels provide a useful shorthand. Use what feels right to you with whatever qualifiers you think necessary. Try to think of language as your tool for clarification. :)

[Frozen Fairy]

I am so with you on this one. I recently 'decided' to be aromantic because relationships are more hassle than they're worth. I started asking myself. 'why do I want a boyfriend if sex scares the shit out of me?' And then I realised it wasn't a boyfriend I wanted, it was the whole marriage, babies, fairytale ending thing. And also to be considered 'normal'. Those things are not the right reasons to get into a relationship.

[interpol]

OP, I believe experiences affect your sexual and romantic expression but not your orientation. What you've described sounds more like a repulsion, which I can understand, but keep in mind many sexuals and normal romantics were repulsed once. (How many times do you see little kids going EWWW when they see on screen kisses, and then they wind up kissing people later?)

So no, I don't think you can become aromantic. But you can become disillusioned----or not.

[Rising Sun]

Romantic orientation can be fluid for some people, but romantic orientation very rarely changes (and for most people, it never changes). I've never seen it happening (from romantic to aromantic anyway) IRL, however I've noticed that a lot of people have "aromantic phases" in their life, which can last from a few days to several years. I've noticed that I have short "aromantic phases" which happen several times a year and last a few days to a few weeks, because it seems that there is no more "fuel" for my "romantic energy" and I need some time to "fill up". It's perfectly normal for romantic persons I guess.

I also need to warn about the fact that if I've never seen people becoming aromantic, I've seen a lot of them losing all romantic feelings for a while because of depression. It happened with my partner, which decided to have a break in our relationship, it lasted 18 months. Fortunately things are starting to get much better now and hopefully it will never happen again. The thing is with depression, not only romantic feelings disappear, but most other feelings do as well. It's the best way to see if it's due to depression or not IMO, but of course only a therapist can know with certainty.

Of course it's only my own experience of the topic. I'm more open to think that a person has always been aromantic and suddenly realizes it than a case where a person becomes truly aromantic (in other words, without a medical reason). Especially as being aromantic doesn't prevent someone from wanting a companion to live together with and then to think that such feelings must be romantic desire, even if the feelings actually show a craving for a very close friendship.

[Ace_Kat]

I also experience the confusion. It seems like to me that you are an aromantic. I am not making assumptions, that is what it sounds like when you explained your situation. If using the identity aromantic sounds like it describes you and makes you happy, then you should totally use the identity then. Use whatever you like that makes you happy. On the part that you think you might have been an aromantic your whole life, that could have been true. Society plays a big role in the sex/romantic side of the world, and it sometimes makes others blind that the fact there are other orientations other than straight. Majority of Society makes people think that sex is a good thing, to reproduce is wonderful, being in a relationship is a "must". Don't listen to what they say, be yourself and do whatever that you want to do. Don't let society dictate your sex/romantic life.