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I think maybe my wife is asexual, is she ? Help !


answerseeker

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Is my wife an asexual ? Or does she just have a low libido ?

Do i need to prepare for a life without sex ?
I feel so lost and frustrated, alone and sad. I can't talk to anyone in my social sircle. I hope someone can weigh in here...
She does not know this yet, i need to find out more before i lay this on the table.
But i am quite sure that she does not know what is "wrong" herself.

I'm not completely sure, besides, only she would know that about herself. Really, you should talk to her about it, but with a good approach. Don't just drop the bomb on her, perhaps just bring up asexuality in conversation and what it is without flat out saying that you think she's asexual. Perhaps she would think about it and what you said if she's asexual or not. Or she could even tell you that it may not be the case and she just so happens to have a lower libido. It's hard for us to tell and honestly we shouldn't speak for her because we might be wrong. I hope things go well in the future and good luck! ^_^

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Autumn Season

Hi, answerseeker! :) Welcome to AVEN! I hope you can find some answers here. :cake::cake:

Nobody can say for certain what your wife is feeling. Only she can tell you that. It is possible that she is asexual. But you need to talk to her to fully understand her.

Maybe she doesn't even understand herself yet. You could show her this site, for example. She might feel better when she finds out that she is not alone with not wanting sex. :)

So here it starts, we had a great sexlife, the first 6 months. we had sex 3 - 4 times a week and in different locations all
the time. [...] The only trouble is, that the next 6 months we did not have sex once.

I don't know what exactly happened that made her not want sex anymore. But maybe this information will help a little:

There are asexuals, who do not want sex at all. They can have sex, they can enjoy it (or not), but they will not want to initiate it.

Then there are demisexuals. Those only want sex with a person they are very close to. In this case they will WANT it, but only later in the relationship.

Also, there are grey-asexuals. Those want sex sometimes, but not as regularly as sexual people. In fact, there are a lot of different grey-as and maybe your wife fits in here. But this is something she has to decide upon.

This made me sad and confused. I started think this was my fault. I am a very sexual person and i did not understand why
this was, and i did not understand why she stopped so sudden. I started looking at my self, was it that i had gained weight ?
(i had not) Was i not good in bed? Was it that i was too "kinky", that i turned her off ?
I'm pretty certain that this is NOT your fault. From what you wrote the two of you seem to lead a healthy, loving relationship. If your wife really is asexual, then no matter how good you look, no matter how perfect your personality is, she will not want sex. This has got nothing to do with you.
The strange thing is that most times when we have sex, she loves it, she really gets in to it and she gets an orgasm every time.
I am quite certain that she does not fake it. ;) And more than once i have just aborted the project of sex, as i feel like
i am almost raping her....
1) It's great that your wife can enjoy the sex. It gives hope that the two of you can work out compromises. Maybe there are sexual activities which turn you/ her on more and others which work less. Talk to each other to find out what you like and what you can do for each other.
2) There are (asexual) people who orgasm but don't enjoy it.
3) You sound like a wonderful, respectful partner. I'm sure she sees that and values you very much.
She could also tell me when we were in the kitchen f.ex making dinner, that when we would go to bed, she was going to
F&%¤ my brains out. I would get exited and look forward to it all night. AND when we went to bed, nothing happened.
That sounds mean. I'm glad she stopped doing that.
I have also tried to NOT mention sex, insinuate anything or talk about sex at all, just to see how long she would go before
she started to miss it. After seven months i gave up and realized, i am the one that have to make sacrifices here.
If she is asexual, that will not work. Talk to her. Tell her what you want and need. Listen to her, too. We are all different people, so learning to understand each other is part of life and part of good relationships.
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There are other people on here with the exact same story. What perplexes me is the first six months. I don't see how past damage could have alowed her to do so at first but not later. Unless she meant she's had this problem with past boyfriends. She either has sexual attraction that faded away, it comes at random moments, or she initially tolerated it but finally said no and is only rarely able to tolerate sex. The first two being types of Gray-As/Gray-Asexuals.

Yah, an agreed rule is that they shouldn't be promising sex until the time actually comes; no "i think I'll be able to tolerate it today" or "I'm up for it now, how bout later?" and later comes and they're nolonger feeling the sexual attraction. It should only be revealed when they're up for sex right then and you have the time for it; at bed time or something.

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