Genderfluid Dysphoria

[A. Lynn Lee]

So usually my gender tends to fluctuate between agender and woman. Today I am not a girl. At this particular moment I'm an androgynous dude/person. I hate my chest. I hate that I can't find pants that don't make my hips stick out in a distinctly feminine way. I've been growing out my hair for about a year because on the days that I feel feminine I miss having long hair but I really would like to just chop it all off. I'm trying to ignore the dresses in my closet because I know that yesterday I liked them. I know that tomorrow might be different but right now I can't stand the sight and feel of my own skin. Rawr!

Basically, I have no idea how to deal with this. Any advice? Are there things that I can do to make myself not focus on the fact that my physical appearance does not match what I am on the inside? Most days I can change clothes and be okay with whatever I'm feeling in the moment but today that's just not working. It doesn't help that my birth name is so girly. I understand that it's *my* name but I feel like people are talking about someone else. Am I the only one who feels that way?

I stood in front of the public bathrooms at the store today for a good fifteen minutes before giving up and just using the women's restroom. The whole time I was terrified that someone was going to come in and freak out because there was a non-woman in there. I know I don't pass as a guy or even as androgynous but that feeling of being in the wrong place just doesn't go away. That's sort of how I'm feeling in my body right now. Like I'm pretending to fit in it but really I don't belong.

[AprilStorms]

I'm fluid too, and boy do I know that feeling! It helps me sometimes to shave my face. I'm assigned female, but there's still a little peach fuzz, so getting rid of it sometimes produces a little roughness.

Masculine styles for long-haired people seem to be really hard to come by, don't they? I can sympathize, but I don't really have any solutions for that one :(

Bow ties also seem to help me. Not sure why, but they do :P

[Murimus]

That happens to me all the time. I'll be one thing for awhile, long enough that I think I've settled, and then out of the blue it will be like someone's flipped a switch and I'm left wondering why the heck I spent so much money on dresses when they make me feel so squicky. As of yet, I haven't found a way to make it go away, but sometimes tight sports bras and loose jeans help, as do leather wrist bands to make my wrists look not quite so fragile. Exercising also helps, I guess cause it makes me feel like a badass, which is good in any gender, and because it burns off all the nervous energy that comes from feeling Not Quite Right. As for long hair, I always try to channel Lord of the Rings characters–all the masculine people (except the hobbits) have long hair, and if Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli can all rock it then so can I :)

[Dodecahedron314]

I'm not genderfluid or masculine or anything, but I am agender, and so one thing I've been considering for a more neutral presentation with my long hair is something my dad did for quite a while when he still rode motorcycles a lot (he only cut it short recently, so he and I have had the same hair (length and all) for most of my life)): a regular ponytail, but instead of just having one hairtie near your head, add several more spaced all the way down to almost the end of your hair. Keeps it corralled if you're riding, and looks pretty masculine as far as I'm concerned

[ninjaox]

I keep a few binders for when I'm a dude (which is most the time), and have managed to put together a "suit" of sorts with various things. With the hips, I find it helps to get men's/boy's pants that are slightly too big and then using a belt. Helps even more if the pants are black. Just try to have a good mix of clothes for each 'identity' and things will be easier. For the long hair, if you kind of tie it into a low ponytail or stuff it under a hat, then it won't be so weird. My biggest issue is with my face being so androgynous, cuz I get mistaken as a chick when I'm a dude, and a dude when I'm a chick. (does that make any sense?) THANKFULLY there are video tutorials on how to use makeup to subtly contour your face. And even create the illusion of stubble! As for the dresses, see if you can shove them to a less-visited side of the closet or put towels over them so you can't really see them. I have quite a few dresses for when I'm a chick- and they're like prom/formal dresses too, as well as some heels. I just kinda keep the closet closed anyways. but yeah/ buy some dude clothes at like hot topic or something.OH! Thrift stores are the best though! Hopes this helps in some way.

For me, the hardest part is deciding on a name for my dude self. Like the OP I also have a very feminine name. Unfortunately I don't get the right 'feel' from most names, and the only ones I can really identify with are the ones for my WoW characters. Which are female, because the male characters are WAAY too big and brawny. So. back to the point. Try and come up with a name for your dude self that you feel comfortable and can identify with, and then gradually tell the people that you trust and that know your gender identity. It might even help to try discussing different names with them in order to get ideas.

[Heart]

I hear you. I don't have a good solution, unfortunately, and I struggle with the same thing... The only thing I have found that works is to keep all the feminine things in a closet, with a door that closes, and keep all the neutral/masculine things in my chest of drawers. That way I only open the closet when I feel feminine, and I don't have to go in there otherwise. The only hitch I run into with this one is dress pants; they really should be hung up, so I don't know how to deal with that other than to get masculine first, and get everything but the pants, then open the closet to get pants (it's easier to assert my current gender when already wearing masculine stuffs ;) ).

The genderfluid thing is hard to manage. I'll keep you posted if I find the secret to everything, but don't hold your breath :P

[A. Lynn Lee]

There are a lot of good suggestions here. I'm glad I'm not the only genderfluid ace around here who has a hard time with appearing the gender they are at the moment. Thanks people.

It would appear like I've got some major reorganizing to do. I usually just fold my clothes and mix the guy, girl, and other pieces together. Which works great for androgynous days. I'm thinking that having two separate spaces for guy and girl pieces is a really good idea.

I really like the idea of thinking of hair in terms of LotR. If Aragorn and Gandalf can pull off long hair while still being masculine then so can I. I'm also keeping an eye out for bowties. Because bowties are cool regardless of what gender I am.