Living in a Sexual/ Asexual marriage

[Kuromi Akumura]

really i thought ( the some of the ones you mentioned) have compromised by the ace giving the s*x....i am pretty sure they still do ti with the ace though....i mean like a allo who doesn't do ANYTHING sexual with their ace partner.....there got to be more than mine.. T^T

There's LadyGirl. Most of the rest of us still do some sexual stuff because.. it'd be nonsensical not to? Like, if it's something the asexual party has absolutely no issue with, why would you not do it?

Well i guess if the ace had no problems with it , then it's fine if they stil do some sexual stuff but that isn't what i was trying to say, i mean a mix relationship where the allo doesn't do ANYTHING sexual with their monogamous partner even if the ace offers it, like yha know a allo that is happy to not do anything sexual with the ace. It isn't nonsensical not to....it's good not to actually my partner has nothing of that sort and even when i offered it was still a no and i don't want to be the only one....well maybe you won't do it because unless the ace actually wants to do it then it be rape because the ace doesn't want to do it and they just force themselves for the pleasure of the allo which is lust not intimacy ( as my hetro QPP says)

[Lady Girl]

really i thought ( the some of the ones you mentioned) have compromised by the ace giving the s*x....i am pretty sure they still do ti with the ace though....i mean like a allo who doesn't do ANYTHING sexual with their ace partner.....there got to be more than mine.. T^T

There's LadyGirl. Most of the rest of us still do some sexual stuff because.. it'd be nonsensical not to? Like, if it's something the asexual party has absolutely no issue with, why would you not do it?

Well i guess if the ace had no problems with it , then it's fine if they stil do some sexual stuff but that isn't what i was trying to say, i mean a mix relationship where the allo doesn't do ANYTHING sexual with their monogamous partner even if the ace offers it, like yha know a allo that is happy to not do anything sexual with the ace. It isn't nonsensical not to....it's good not to actually my partner has nothing of that sort and even when i offered it was still a no and i don't want to be the only one....well maybe you won't do it because unless the ace actually wants to do it then it be rape because the ace doesn't want to do it and they just force themselves for the pleasure of the allo which is lust not intimacy ( as my hetro QPP says)

As has been mentioned, I don't do anything sexual with my partner (or otherwise for that matter). But, if he were to offer, I think it would be rude of me to turn him down. His offer would not have to be for lust regardless of my reasons for wanting it, or accepting his offer. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't define for other people what is lust and what is intimacy; everyone does that for themselves and sometimes those feelings overlap. Not everything is this or that, some things are combinations.

[Tarfeather]

It isn't nonsensical not to....it's good not to actually my partner has nothing of that sort and even when i offered it was still a no and i don't want to be the only one....

Well, if you guys don't even try, you won't find out whether there's something that you might actually enjoy, and finding something like that might be good for both of you. In the case of my relationship, it actually helped us bond. However, I won't deny that it takes a lot of self-control from the sexual party to give the asexual enough space to figure things out without pressure, and avoiding the matter altogether might be easier. So I won't say you should try, but the fact is most couples do see the benefits of experimenting, and so you'll not find many who don't do anything of the sort.

PS: There's even some asexual couples who do *some* kind of kinky stuff (which I personally consider sexuality but that's of course up to debate). So yeah, "being asexual" doesn't necessarily mean "can't enjoy anything remotely sexual ever".

[Guest]

really i thought ( the some of the ones you mentioned) have compromised by the ace giving the s*x....i am pretty sure they still do ti with the ace though....i mean like a allo who doesn't do ANYTHING sexual with their ace partner.....there got to be more than mine.. T^T

There's LadyGirl. Most of the rest of us still do some sexual stuff because.. it'd be nonsensical not to? Like, if it's something the asexual party has absolutely no issue with, why would you not do it?

Well i guess if the ace had no problems with it , then it's fine if they stil do some sexual stuff but that isn't what i was trying to say, i mean a mix relationship where the allo doesn't do ANYTHING sexual with their monogamous partner even if the ace offers it, like yha know a allo that is happy to not do anything sexual with the ace. It isn't nonsensical not to....it's good not to actually my partner has nothing of that sort and even when i offered it was still a no and i don't want to be the only one....well maybe you won't do it because unless the ace actually wants to do it then it be rape because the ace doesn't want to do it and they just force themselves for the pleasure of the allo which is lust not intimacy ( as my hetro QPP says)

As has been mentioned, I don't do anything sexual with my partner (or otherwise for that matter). But, if he were to offer, I think it would be rude of me to turn him down. His offer would not have to be for lust regardless of my reasons for wanting it, or accepting his offer. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't define for other people what is lust and what is intimacy; everyone does that for themselves and sometimes those feeling overlap. Not everything is this or that, some things are combinations.

I'm with LG. I don't see why one would turn down what is offered, unless they KNOW it's being offered out of guilt and would harm their partner if they accept it. That seems to be making a decision of wants for the asexual and telling them "You're unable to consent, so I essentially consider you the same as a child"... I'd be highly annoyed. Now, I have had a person turn down my offer for my own sake, but that was when I was still a virgin and I had offered after we had already talked at length about me wanting to wait, so he turned it down to give me time to think it over on if I really wanted to take that step with him or not. That was sweet and considerate, he wanted to make sure I wasn't just feeling pressure at the moment and had actually changed my mind.

And erm, sorry but Kuromi, it's not rape if the asexual doesn't particularly want it and just does it to please the sexual. I can say YES even if I am like "Meh, but I would rather be reading my book...", that is consent and it's not coerced, so there is nothing rapey about it. I NEVER want to have sex, really. I do it solely to please my partner. And no, I do not consider it rape at all. I am an adult, I can decide to have sex or not have sex as I please, whether it's for me or completely for someone else. Obviously, if it's something that is really harming the asexual partner and the sexual partner knows it, then one would hope they would take a step back.

You being as repulsed as you are, Kur, I can understand why your partner would be unwilling even if you offer, they're probably concerned they'd hurt you (which is sweet) and in no way able to enjoy it with that worry in their heads. But, a lot of asexuals are neutral or even positive. So, that's why so many end up in a sexual relationship - and it's our right to decide whether that's OK for us or not, I wouldn't really want that decision taken away from me... it should be up to me. Not that I like sex (i'd be thrilled if my partner was like "I don't like sex anymore"), but I like being able to decide what I do or don't do with my own body (especially given that decision has been taken from me in the past).There are people who do nothing sexual with their partners though. Padante's last visit here is in a thread in this section, you can read it. LG is here and has talked about her relationship becoming celibate. Etc, etc. :)

[Guest]

Yeah, my partner just told me that when i turn down sex when it's offered, it makes her feel bad. Which i totally understand. There's something... i don't know, manipulative, or at least as Serran said, taking away the decisionmaking power of the ace partner, when a sexual refuses sex even when the ace consents.

[GeorgeSand]

So, this is something I and some other sexuals have trouble grasping: Why is there so much focus on how it's "wrong" to take away the ace's power of decision making, but it's not "wrong" to take away the sexual's power of decision making? I have had no part in the decision to become celibate beyond the decision to stick it out with my husband, which, of course, makes me pretty upset.

Likewise, I assume that asexuals would be pretty upset if their sexual partner just decided one day that "There is going to be weekly sex, and that is that.....If you don't like it, you can leave."

BOTH situations seem unloving and selfish to me.

Drawing that line - "if you don't like it, you can leave" - does not seem like a healthy thing to do if you love that person. It has the feeling of callousness, which I think of as the opposite of love.

I've been told multiple times on this site that power has no place in a relationship; I disagree, and I think the recent discussion above backs me up. Any relationship is going to consist of a number of power issues...I think the goal is to balance them, at least to a point that is comfortable for both parties, and avoid a gross imbalance. Regarding sex, or otherwise.

Help me understand.

[Guest]

So, this is something I and some other sexuals have trouble grasping: Why is there so much focus on how it's "wrong" to take away the ace's power of decision making, but it's not "wrong" to take away the sexual's power of decision making? I have had no part in the decision to become celibate beyond the decision to stick it out with my husband, which, of course, makes me pretty upset.

Likewise, I assume that asexuals would be pretty upset if their sexual partner just decided one day that "There is going to be weekly sex, and that is that.....If you don't like it, you can leave."

BOTH situations seem unloving and selfish to me.

Drawing that line - "if you don't like it, you can leave" - does not seem like a healthy thing to do if you love that person. It has the feeling of callousness, which I think of as the opposite of love.

I've been told multiple times on this site that power has no place in a relationship; I disagree, and I think the recent discussion above backs me up. Any relationship is going to consist of a number of power issues...I think the goal is to balance them, at least to a point that is comfortable for both parties, and avoid a gross imbalance. Regarding sex, or otherwise.

Help me understand.

The reasons why a partner does something in a relationship matters. If the sexual partner is saying no to sex because they genuinely don't want sex, that's fine! If they're saying no because they don't think the asexual can handle it, or doesn't really want it, or any other speculation about the partner's feelings, that's when it becomes inappropriate.

If a partner says "we're never having sex again" because it's extremely traumatic for them, that's fine. If a partner says "we're never having sex again" because they want to punish their partner, that's not fine.

Of course you still have to decide if you can live with the situation (sex or no sex), but in some situations it makes sense to blame the partner (if they're being punitive and/or condescending), and in some situations it doesn't make sense to dole out blame (if sex is traumatic, for example).

Anyway, that's how i look at it.

[Guest]

So, this is something I and some other sexuals have trouble grasping: Why is there so much focus on how it's "wrong" to take away the ace's power of decision making, but it's not "wrong" to take away the sexual's power of decision making? I have had no part in the decision to become celibate beyond the decision to stick it out with my husband, which, of course, makes me pretty upset.

Likewise, I assume that asexuals would be pretty upset if their sexual partner just decided one day that "There is going to be weekly sex, and that is that.....If you don't like it, you can leave."

BOTH situations seem unloving and selfish to me.

Drawing that line - "if you don't like it, you can leave" - does not seem like a healthy thing to do if you love that person. It has the feeling of callousness, which I think of as the opposite of love.

I've been told multiple times on this site that power has no place in a relationship; I disagree, and I think the recent discussion above backs me up. Any relationship is going to consist of a number of power issues...I think the goal is to balance them, at least to a point that is comfortable for both parties, and avoid a gross imbalance. Regarding sex, or otherwise.

Help me understand.

Telling me I cannot consent to sex is 1) Disrespecting my ability to make my own decisions 2) Treating me like a child ... my partner would still want sex, but be telling me I CAN'T make the decision for myself to offer it or not. Not having sex because the asexual doesn't want to, or will be hurt if they do so, is protecting oneself.

Turning it down because the sexual doesn't want to is fine though. The sexual not feeling up to it because of whatever reason is them protecting themselves (even if that reason is "I can't enjoy it if you don't"). But, to do it because they think I can't consent is just... no. I am as much a full adult as anyone else and my yes means just as much as anyone else's.

It's about the WHY you're turning it down, for me. Don't feel like it? Fine. No big deal. I don't really want it anyways, was just offering cause I thought you might. Think you need to decide for me because it's not a decision I can make for myself? Go away.

Just like if one withholds sex because they want to punish their partner by withholding affection - not cool. If one turns down sex because they genuinely aren't feeling like it - fine.

[GeorgeSand]

Ah: I meant my previous post in a more general sense, not in response to Kuromi's inquiry.

Maybe I should post it over in the Compromising section instead. :) It just was something that popped into my head while reading this thread and your responses to Kuromi.

[Kuromi Akumura]

really i thought ( the some of the ones you mentioned) have compromised by the ace giving the s*x....i am pretty sure they still do ti with the ace though....i mean like a allo who doesn't do ANYTHING sexual with their ace partner.....there got to be more than mine.. T^T

There's LadyGirl. Most of the rest of us still do some sexual stuff because.. it'd be nonsensical not to? Like, if it's something the asexual party has absolutely no issue with, why would you not do it?

Well i guess if the ace had no problems with it , then it's fine if they stil do some sexual stuff but that isn't what i was trying to say, i mean a mix relationship where the allo doesn't do ANYTHING sexual with their monogamous partner even if the ace offers it, like yha know a allo that is happy to not do anything sexual with the ace. It isn't nonsensical not to....it's good not to actually my partner has nothing of that sort and even when i offered it was still a no and i don't want to be the only one....well maybe you won't do it because unless the ace actually wants to do it then it be rape because the ace doesn't want to do it and they just force themselves for the pleasure of the allo which is lust not intimacy ( as my hetro QPP says)

As has been mentioned, I don't do anything sexual with my partner (or otherwise for that matter). But, if he were to offer, I think it would be rude of me to turn him down. His offer would not have to be for lust regardless of my reasons for wanting it, or accepting his offer. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't define for other people what is lust and what is intimacy; everyone does that for themselves and sometimes those feeling overlap. Not everything is this or that, some things are combinations.

I'm with LG. I don't see why one would turn down what is offered, unless they KNOW it's being offered out of guilt and would harm their partner if they accept it. That seems to be making a decision of wants for the asexual and telling them "You're unable to consent, so I essentially consider you the same as a child"... I'd be highly annoyed. Now, I have had a person turn down my offer for my own sake, but that was when I was still a virgin and I had offered after we had already talked at length about me wanting to wait, so he turned it down to give me time to think it over on if I really wanted to take that step with him or not. That was sweet and considerate, he wanted to make sure I wasn't just feeling pressure at the moment and had actually changed my mind.

And erm, sorry but Kuromi, it's not rape if the asexual doesn't particularly want it and just does it to please the sexual. I can say YES even if I am like "Meh, but I would rather be reading my book...", that is consent and it's not coerced, so there is nothing rapey about it. I NEVER want to have sex, really. I do it solely to please my partner. And no, I do not consider it rape at all. I am an adult, I can decide to have sex or not have sex as I please, whether it's for me or completely for someone else. Obviously, if it's something that is really harming the asexual partner and the sexual partner knows it, then one would hope they would take a step back.

You being as repulsed as you are, Kur, I can understand why your partner would be unwilling even if you offer, they're probably concerned they'd hurt you (which is sweet) and in no way able to enjoy it with that worry in their heads. But, a lot of asexuals are neutral or even positive. So, that's why so many end up in a sexual relationship - and it's our right to decide whether that's OK for us or not, I wouldn't really want that decision taken away from me... it should be up to me. Not that I like sex (i'd be thrilled if my partner was like "I don't like sex anymore"), but I like being able to decide what I do or don't do with my own body (especially given that decision has been taken from me in the past).There are people who do nothing sexual with their partners though. Padante's last visit here is in a thread in this section, you can read it. LG is here and has talked about her relationship becoming celibate. Etc, etc. :)

the rape thing was from a tumblr blog called the thinking asexual and it seemed interested point of view, i can't send a link because i am on my school laptop and tumblr is blocked but you know the name i you wanna take a look :3

but liek another that's the thing i even asked if i wasn't repulsed and he said probably no ( because he said he would feel comfortable that it actually would be intimate wit me and not lustful but he wouldn't act on that) He feels what the relationship is would be ruined and no longer the genuine purity it is. He wouldn't have to worry about himself in sexual setting or waste time or money or risk anything for it. He is content and happy with what it is now and adding more would take away what it is now. He likes the simple affection of kisses and cuddles and no fear of escalation and he doesn't have to worry about being wrapped up or diluted by s*x. He thinks it is just an explosion, a short burst then it's over and draining. He also said since he had s*x already ( he is very not virgin) and knows what it is he doesn't want to seek it out.....i feel like the compromise/type of mix relationship we have is the only one....it kinda makes me feel well isolated and no one to relate to.....

Ah: I meant my previous post in a more general sense, not in response to Kuromi's inquiry.

Maybe I should post it over in the Compromising section instead. :) It just was something that popped into my head while reading this thread and your responses to Kuromi.

Okay that be good :3 thank you.....where is this thread? XD

It isn't nonsensical not to....it's good not to actually my partner has nothing of that sort and even when i offered it was still a no and i don't want to be the only one....

Well, if you guys don't even try, you won't find out whether there's something that you might actually enjoy, and finding something like that might be good for both of you. In the case of my relationship, it actually helped us bond. However, I won't deny that it takes a lot of self-control from the sexual party to give the asexual enough space to figure things out without pressure, and avoiding the matter altogether might be easier. So I won't say you should try, but the fact is most couples do see the benefits of experimenting, and so you'll not find many who don't do anything of the sort.

PS: There's even some asexual couples who do *some* kind of kinky stuff (which I personally consider sexuality but that's of course up to debate). So yeah, "being asexual" doesn't necessarily mean "can't enjoy anything remotely sexual ever".

i don't really want to experiment...............i know i wouldn't find anything to do with genitalia....it feels like you are saying the same thing when people tell aces " how do you know you don't like it until you try it?" ect....

So, this is something I and some other sexuals have trouble grasping: Why is there so much focus on how it's "wrong" to take away the ace's power of decision making, but it's not "wrong" to take away the sexual's power of decision making? I have had no part in the decision to become celibate beyond the decision to stick it out with my husband, which, of course, makes me pretty upset.

Likewise, I assume that asexuals would be pretty upset if their sexual partner just decided one day that "There is going to be weekly sex, and that is that.....If you don't like it, you can leave."

BOTH situations seem unloving and selfish to me.

Drawing that line - "if you don't like it, you can leave" - does not seem like a healthy thing to do if you love that person. It has the feeling of callousness, which I think of as the opposite of love.

I've been told multiple times on this site that power has no place in a relationship; I disagree, and I think the recent discussion above backs me up. Any relationship is going to consist of a number of power issues...I think the goal is to balance them, at least to a point that is comfortable for both parties, and avoid a gross imbalance. Regarding sex, or otherwise.

Help me understand.

first time i heard someone say that the whole " if you don't like the way it is then leave" as mean.I always been told that is the nice thing to do saying that if both have needs that are opposite to eachother then leaving is good. i guess it does seem very like " i want it to be my way rather then finding a middle ground. I tell my QPP if he ends up not liking the sexlessness then he can leave. what do you think of our middle ground i really nee a non bias opinion ( like if i ask a uneducated person they probably say s*x is a right in a relationship) but out compromise is that there is nothing sexual between us ( not even groping) ( and is mono) but for the first time ever i am going out of my comfort zone and actually doing kissing and stuff like that, not making out but passionate kissing i guess it can be called?? does this seem fair to you..?

So, this is something I and some other sexuals have trouble grasping: Why is there so much focus on how it's "wrong" to take away the ace's power of decision making, but it's not "wrong" to take away the sexual's power of decision making? I have had no part in the decision to become celibate beyond the decision to stick it out with my husband, which, of course, makes me pretty upset.

Likewise, I assume that asexuals would be pretty upset if their sexual partner just decided one day that "There is going to be weekly sex, and that is that.....If you don't like it, you can leave."

BOTH situations seem unloving and selfish to me.

Drawing that line - "if you don't like it, you can leave" - does not seem like a healthy thing to do if you love that person. It has the feeling of callousness, which I think of as the opposite of love.

I've been told multiple times on this site that power has no place in a relationship; I disagree, and I think the recent discussion above backs me up. Any relationship is going to consist of a number of power issues...I think the goal is to balance them, at least to a point that is comfortable for both parties, and avoid a gross imbalance. Regarding sex, or otherwise.

Help me understand.

The reasons why a partner does something in a relationship matters. If the sexual partner is saying no to sex because they genuinely don't want sex, that's fine! If they're saying no because they don't think the asexual can handle it, or doesn't really want it, or any other speculation about the partner's feelings, that's when it becomes inappropriate.

If a partner says "we're never having sex again" because it's extremely traumatic for them, that's fine. If a partner says "we're never having sex again" because they want to punish their partner, that's not fine.

Of course you still have to decide if you can live with the situation (sex or no sex), but in some situations it makes sense to blame the partner (if they're being punitive and/or condescending), and in some situations it doesn't make sense to dole out blame (if sex is traumatic, for example).

Anyway, that's how i look at it.

well he turns it down because he knows i don't want to do it myself i just feel well guilty and like a bad partner...here i am seeing all these people talking about how amazing bonding and most intimate thing they can do and the happiest thing for their partner ever.....and here i am not giving this apparently amazing thing to make my partner happy. I want to be the best and do the best i can to make him happy.....but i feel like the relationship is cheap or not as good as a sexual one....with what everyone tells me a non-sexual relationship is to a allo....I know he says he is happy with what it is and doesn't want more, but i can't help feel like he doesn't want it because he knows i can't enjoy it....he says he would feel so terrible and guilty that he would put me through something that i don't even enjoy and might even be traumatic for me. But if i wasn't repulsed then i feel like i could be a better partner...I do all i can at the moment on the border of my comfort zone with the kissing stuff..-sigh- i don't know how to feel about it anymore.

[Lady Girl]

first time i heard someone say that the whole " if you don't like the way it is then leave" as mean.I always been told that is the nice thing to do saying that if both have needs that are opposite to eachother then leaving is good. i guess it does seem very like " i want it to be my way rather then finding a middle ground. I tell my QPP if he ends up not liking the sexlessness then he can leave. what do you think of our middle ground i really nee a non bias opinion ( like if i ask a uneducated person they probably say s*x is a right in a relationship) but out compromise is that there is nothing sexual between us ( not even groping) ( and is mono) but for the first time ever i am going out of my comfort zone and actually doing kissing and stuff like that, not making out but passionate kissing i guess it can be called?? does this seem fair to you..?

well he turns it down because he knows i don't want to do it myself i just feel well guilty and like a bad partner...here i am seeing all these people talking about how amazing bonding and most intimate thing they can do and the happiest thing for their partner ever.....and here i am not giving this apparently amazing thing to make my partner happy. I want to be the best and do the best i can to make him happy.....but i feel like the relationship is cheap or not as good as a sexual one....with what everyone tells me a non-sexual relationship is to a allo....I know he says he is happy with what it is and doesn't want more, but i can't help feel like he doesn't want it because he knows i can't enjoy it....he says he would feel so terrible and guilty that he would put me through something that i don't even enjoy and might even be traumatic for me. But if i wasn't repulsed then i feel like i could be a better partner...I do all i can at the moment on the border of my comfort zone with the kissing stuff..-sigh- i don't know how to feel about it anymore.

It's really just between you two if it's fair or not. If both of you are happy with the relationship, there really shouldn't be a reason for you to feel isolated...you've got what most people want most in a relationship, that is, to be happy together.

You are asking if people can relate to the small details in your personal relationship and to some extent I'm sure some people can, but it's also one of those things where every relationship is different and yours is going to have some things that will be unique to it (as it should). Don't compare what you have to what others have...that's just asking for trouble.

[Guest]

first time i heard someone say that the whole " if you don't like the way it is then leave" as mean.I always been told that is the nice thing to do saying that if both have needs that are opposite to eachother then leaving is good. i guess it does seem very like " i want it to be my way rather then finding a middle ground. I tell my QPP if he ends up not liking the sexlessness then he can leave. what do you think of our middle ground i really nee a non bias opinion ( like if i ask a uneducated person they probably say s*x is a right in a relationship) but out compromise is that there is nothing sexual between us ( not even groping) ( and is mono) but for the first time ever i am going out of my comfort zone and actually doing kissing and stuff like that, not making out but passionate kissing i guess it can be called?? does this seem fair to you..?

well he turns it down because he knows i don't want to do it myself i just feel well guilty and like a bad partner...here i am seeing all these people talking about how amazing bonding and most intimate thing they can do and the happiest thing for their partner ever.....and here i am not giving this apparently amazing thing to make my partner happy. I want to be the best and do the best i can to make him happy.....but i feel like the relationship is cheap or not as good as a sexual one....with what everyone tells me a non-sexual relationship is to a allo....I know he says he is happy with what it is and doesn't want more, but i can't help feel like he doesn't want it because he knows i can't enjoy it....he says he would feel so terrible and guilty that he would put me through something that i don't even enjoy and might even be traumatic for me. But if i wasn't repulsed then i feel like i could be a better partner...I do all i can at the moment on the border of my comfort zone with the kissing stuff..-sigh- i don't know how to feel about it anymore.

It's really just between you two if it's fair or not. If both of you are happy with the relationship, there really shouldn't be a reason for you to feel isolated...you've got what most people want most in a relationship, that is, to be happy together.

You are asking if people can relate to the small details in your personal relationship and to some extent I'm sure some people can, but it's also one of those things where every relationship is different and yours is going to have some things that will be unique to it (as it should). Don't compare what you have to what others have...that's just asking for trouble.

Indeed. Comparing to others or what is "normal" is the best way to feel unsatisfied in your relationship. No two relationships are the same. Some are more affectionate, some are more intellectual, some share hobbies, some share values... but others may not need one or more of those. Some enjoy cuddling, some don't. Some bond through sex, some don't. Take away all the outside influences - are you two happy with what you have? If so, none of the rest matters.

[Tarfeather]

i don't really want to experiment...............i know i wouldn't find anything to do with genitalia....it feels like you are saying the same thing when people tell aces " how do you know you don't like it until you try it?" ect....

You're jumping around a lot.. First you talk about sex.. Then you talk about anything sexual.. Then you talk about sex again! Me and my partner have never had sex, or done anything whatsoever with each other's genitalia. And I'm fine with it staying that way. We still exchange somewhat sexual intimacy every now and then, however. We use this thing called "erogenous zones", and it's working pretty well.

well he turns it down because he knows i don't want to do it myself i just feel well guilty and like a bad partner...here i am seeing all these people talking about how amazing bonding and most intimate thing they can do and the happiest thing for their partner ever.....and here i am not giving this apparently amazing thing to make my partner happy. I want to be the best and do the best i can to make him happy.....but i feel like the relationship is cheap or not as good as a sexual one....with what everyone tells me a non-sexual relationship is to a allo....I know he says he is happy with what it is and doesn't want more, but i can't help feel like he doesn't want it because he knows i can't enjoy it....he says he would feel so terrible and guilty that he would put me through something that i don't even enjoy and might even be traumatic for me. But if i wasn't repulsed then i feel like i could be a better partner...I do all i can at the moment on the border of my comfort zone with the kissing stuff..-sigh- i don't know how to feel about it anymore.

But are you sure the kissing stuff is the right way to go? My girlfriend doesn't like kissing (beyond a peck on the lips) at all, so we have no reason to do that. She does enjoy the sensual stuff though, and it can go bordering sexuality with her erogenous zones. If there's simply nothing you enjoy, yes, there's nothing you can do about it. And that's fine, you know. You shouldn't do anything you don't enjoy. But if that's the case, it's not actually your partner who's unusual compared to the sexuals here, it's you who's unusual compared to many other asexuals in mixed relationships in that you don't like sensuality in addition to everything else. Not that that's a bad thing, just something to keep in mind.

[Kuromi Akumura]

i don't really want to experiment...............i know i wouldn't find anything to do with genitalia....it feels like you are saying the same thing when people tell aces " how do you know you don't like it until you try it?" ect....

You're jumping around a lot.. First you talk about sex.. Then you talk about anything sexual.. Then you talk about sex again! Me and my partner have never had sex, or done anything whatsoever with each other's genitalia. And I'm fine with it staying that way. We still exchange somewhat sexual intimacy every now and then, however. We use this thing called "erogenous zones", and it's working pretty well.

well he turns it down because he knows i don't want to do it myself i just feel well guilty and like a bad partner...here i am seeing all these people talking about how amazing bonding and most intimate thing they can do and the happiest thing for their partner ever.....and here i am not giving this apparently amazing thing to make my partner happy. I want to be the best and do the best i can to make him happy.....but i feel like the relationship is cheap or not as good as a sexual one....with what everyone tells me a non-sexual relationship is to a allo....I know he says he is happy with what it is and doesn't want more, but i can't help feel like he doesn't want it because he knows i can't enjoy it....he says he would feel so terrible and guilty that he would put me through something that i don't even enjoy and might even be traumatic for me. But if i wasn't repulsed then i feel like i could be a better partner...I do all i can at the moment on the border of my comfort zone with the kissing stuff..-sigh- i don't know how to feel about it anymore.

But are you sure the kissing stuff is the right way to go? My girlfriend doesn't like kissing (beyond a peck on the lips) at all, so we have no reason to do that. She does enjoy the sensual stuff though, and it can go bordering sexuality with her erogenous zones. If there's simply nothing you enjoy, yes, there's nothing you can do about it. And that's fine, you know. You shouldn't do anything you don't enjoy. But if that's the case, it's not actually your partner who's unusual compared to the sexuals here, it's you who's unusual compared to many other asexuals in mixed relationships in that you don't like sensuality in addition to everything else. Not that that's a bad thing, just something to keep in mind.

well sexual anything and s*x sorry i just see s*x and sexual stuff kinda in the same boat :/ , sexual intimacy without genitalia.....i never heard of that..what are these ergo-something zones?.well for me i don't even want to do anything sexual because i would feel dirty i prefer emotional and sensual intimacy. I like sensual stuff just kissing is kinda repulsing for me.

first time i heard someone say that the whole " if you don't like the way it is then leave" as mean.I always been told that is the nice thing to do saying that if both have needs that are opposite to eachother then leaving is good. i guess it does seem very like " i want it to be my way rather then finding a middle ground. I tell my QPP if he ends up not liking the sexlessness then he can leave. what do you think of our middle ground i really nee a non bias opinion ( like if i ask a uneducated person they probably say s*x is a right in a relationship) but out compromise is that there is nothing sexual between us ( not even groping) ( and is mono) but for the first time ever i am going out of my comfort zone and actually doing kissing and stuff like that, not making out but passionate kissing i guess it can be called?? does this seem fair to you..?

well he turns it down because he knows i don't want to do it myself i just feel well guilty and like a bad partner...here i am seeing all these people talking about how amazing bonding and most intimate thing they can do and the happiest thing for their partner ever.....and here i am not giving this apparently amazing thing to make my partner happy. I want to be the best and do the best i can to make him happy.....but i feel like the relationship is cheap or not as good as a sexual one....with what everyone tells me a non-sexual relationship is to a allo....I know he says he is happy with what it is and doesn't want more, but i can't help feel like he doesn't want it because he knows i can't enjoy it....he says he would feel so terrible and guilty that he would put me through something that i don't even enjoy and might even be traumatic for me. But if i wasn't repulsed then i feel like i could be a better partner...I do all i can at the moment on the border of my comfort zone with the kissing stuff..-sigh- i don't know how to feel about it anymore.

It's really just between you two if it's fair or not. If both of you are happy with the relationship, there really shouldn't be a reason for you to feel isolated...you've got what most people want most in a relationship, that is, to be happy together.

You are asking if people can relate to the small details in your personal relationship and to some extent I'm sure some people can, but it's also one of those things where every relationship is different and yours is going to have some things that will be unique to it (as it should). Don't compare what you have to what others have...that's just asking for trouble.

Indeed. Comparing to others or what is "normal" is the best way to feel unsatisfied in your relationship. No two relationships are the same. Some are more affectionate, some are more intellectual, some share hobbies, some share values... but others may not need one or more of those. Some enjoy cuddling, some don't. Some bond through sex, some don't. Take away all the outside influences - are you two happy with what you have? If so, none of the rest matters.

thank you both of you ^w^ this makes me feel allot better!!! <3 <3 <3

[SunMoonStars]

Thank you all for your responses, I liked the way Sexualsadwife said " The situation is what forces celibacy or divorce, or sex, all of which are less than ideal for one or both of the parties". I should clarify that I am not actively looking for an open relationship as I have only wanted to be with him sense I first saw him, but I am open to the reality that in order for us to continue for the long term that may be the only option. When we have been intimate he has always been very attentive, he is kind, loving and always makes sure I achieve organism but I can tell that he is not really there that he would rather be holding my hand watching TV. ( I guess this is where the feeling like a rapist comes from now that i know that this is a sexual orientation rather than just disinterest) His idea of intimately is holding hands, stroking my hair, holding me and I love that about him and it makes me feel bad that I cant be satisfied with just that all the time, when he does these things I get turned on by just his touch and then frustrated because I know it cant/wont go further. We have been talking a lot about it lately after learning about Asexuality and he says he will change, but now I feel worse and don't want to do anything with him as I know what it is like to do something against your nature, in my case forced celibate due to our sexual incompatibility. So now I'm rambling but I wanted to say thank you to everyone, although I have been living this life for years I am still very new to the idea of Asexuality and it does help just talking to other people in this situation to not feel so alone.

After living with this for years I also am very new to the idea of asexuality. My husband is my best friend, my soul mate, after years of rejection, disappointment, longing and depression it feels as though oh right, there's a word for it now.

But the hurt is so deep and I don't see how I can deal with the thought of not being happy and satisfied for the rest of my life?

What are peoples coping techniques?

Not open relationships. I want to stay faithful to my husband (even though I've thought about being with another man sexually) :(

I would like to know how sexuals cope long term with asexuals?

Thank you in advance xx

[faded_glamor]

These are all perfectly fair and reasonable questions, but I don't think there's a magic bullet of an answer to them. So far as I can see, there are four areas that would warrant some sort of further investigation:

1. "Compromise." There are couples who make it work, and couples who can't. It requires absolute honesty, good communication and a desire to save the relationship. It's the ideal, I guess,but definitions of compromise vary from person to person, and from couple to couple. There's a billion threads about how to make it work on here already. If my wife and I ever manage it, I'll let you know how we did.

2. "Celibacy." I'm not going to use the word "forced" here, since it's such an emotive word and is usually the choice of the sexual person, for whatever reason. But suppressing sexuality has, for me, become am increasingly attractive option over the last few weeks. I don't know where it will end up, but it has to be worth a throw, on my part.

3. An "Open/Poly/Etc" relationship. Might work really well for some, might not work others. I can only speak for myself in saying that it doesn't appeal. Presumably requires all the honesty, trust, etc that compromise does.

4. Splitting up. If all else fails, I guess that's all that's left.

I'm in exactly the same boat as you, and I've arrived at the opinion that there are as many different coping techniques as there are people in the world. If all else fails, counselling might help you. I'm pretty certain that I'm going to need that myself.

[Down in Texas]

These are all perfectly fair and reasonable questions, but I don't think there's a magic bullet of an answer to them. So far as I can see, there are four areas that would warrant some sort of further investigation:

1. "Compromise." There are couples who make it work, and couples who can't. It requires absolute honesty, good communication and a desire to save the relationship. It's the ideal, I guess,but definitions of compromise vary from person to person, and from couple to couple. There's a billion threads about how to make it work on here already. If my wife and I ever manage it, I'll let you know how we did.

2. "Celibacy." I'm not going to use the word "forced" here, since it's such an emotive word and is usually the choice of the sexual person, for whatever reason. But suppressing sexuality has, for me, become am increasingly attractive option over the last few weeks. I don't know where it will end up, but it has to be worth a throw, on my part.

3. An "Open/Poly/Etc" relationship. Might work really well for some, might not work others. I can only speak for myself in saying that it doesn't appeal. Presumably requires all the honesty, trust, etc that compromise does.

4. Splitting up. If all else fails, I guess that's all that's left.

I'm in exactly the same boat as you, and I've arrived at the opinion that there are as many different coping techniques as there are people in the world. If all else fails, counselling might help you. I'm pretty certain that I'm going to need that myself.

Just make sure the counselor you choose is well versed/knowledgable in asexuality or you're spinning your wheels. In my opinion.

[faded_glamor]

Indeed. And I don't hold out much hope for it other than in terms of helping with coping mechanisms.