What would this be called/is it wrong to feel like this?

[11Child]

So the first thing I would like to know is if I'm romantic or aromantic.

I have pretty a lot of (what I call) crushes on guys, but even when I have a "huge crush" (like at the moment :P) I wouldn't want a guy to be my boyfriend at all! Sometimes it's just that I think a guy is really cool and I want to be like him and I kind of wish he was my older brother or something. And sometimes (like now) it's even a little more than that and I would really want to be close to him and hug him and touch him and give him kisses. I don't really know about "real" kissing... I mean the way they sometimes kiss in movies where they almost eat each other seems pretty disgusting to me. Sometimes when I imagine being so close to someone it feels sooo good and I really want to be so close to someone in real life not just in my imagination, but I still wouldn't want it to be anything serious like being in a relationship. I wouldn't even mind if the guy had a girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever (unless that person would mind, cause I wouldn't want to make anyone feel bad of course). So is that weird? Would I be romantic or aromantic?

But another thing that is a much bigger and more confusing problem is that I always feel and see myself as a (preteen) kid and I want people to see me that way as well, because that is the only way I feel good and comfortable around people. So when I have a crush and I always have crushes on older/adult guys (even when I was chronologically a kid), and I imagine being close to them and all I imagine myself as a kid, cause that's the only way I can (and want to) imagine myself. So then I start feeling bad about it because I feel like I'm turning the guy I have a crush on into a pedophile, by imagining him being so close with a kid. So then I usually just start imagining some guy in general but that doesn't really feel so good anymore because I don't really have a crush just on some guy in general. And I don't even want to imagine how complicated all this would get if it was in real life not just in my imagination! So what could I do? Just try to force myself to not have crushes anymore? (cause I think it would be easier to force myself to not have crushes than to force myself to see myself as a teen/adult).

So does anyone have any thoughts about that? I know that the second part is something people would probably rather not even think about, so it's ok if someone just wants to answer my first question. Cause I really want to know if how I feel would make me romantic or not. :)

[Sage Raven Domino]

Do you know what a squish is?

And it's totally normal to be polyamorous (have feelings for several people yourself and/or allow your partner(s) to have other close relationships).

[DiEvAl]

Haven't read your wall of text yet, but no, it's not wrong to feel like that ;)

[KittiesSong]

Well I'm no expert but you sound possibly aromantic to me although really I personally have trouble figuring out just what IS romantic. I feel very similarly to you but I still identify as romantic because I do rather like the idea of doing more traditional "romantic" things like kissing on the lips and I'm definately sensually attracted to some people but only once I've gotten to know them.

As for the second question. I really don't think you can force yourself not to crush on someone... trust me I've tried although what you have sounds a little bit more like a squish (non romantic but still very strong attraction "Like a moth to a flame" as I call it) I've had squishes/crushes and they do eventually go away on their own but it's not really something you can force not to have.

You can however distract yourself a bit from the crush/squish by taking up a hobby or immersing yourself in a good book but it may still consume your thoughts until your brain finally simmers down. But it could also lead to a good friendship!

[Scottthespy]

Well...this hits close to home. I'm aromantic and fully asexual (and female, despite the name), but even I have the occasional sexual dream...and in them I'm always a young child, eleven or twelve, before puberty really started to hit in. I'm twenty five, but still see myself as seventeen most days, despite people around me regularly thinking im in my mid thirties (which I find hilarious. What age I am and what age people see me as doesn't have to effect my actions so long as I can be a responsible adult when the need arises). These dreams disturbed me at first, partially for the very graphic content, and then much further when I realized that I was a child in them. I thought about it for a ling time, and decided that it didnt make ME a peadophile at least...because I didnt want to be with children, I was simply having dreams where I was physically a child. Not mentaly, mind you. So...its not the same situation for me, but its got some similarities in how I felt about it.

Now, you say you want people to "see you as a preteen". What exactly do you mean by that? That you want to be able to act like a preteen for the rest of your life and never have to take responsibility for things? Or that you feel like you didn't want to physically move past puberty, and would have liked to stay looking like that and having people see you as looking like that? Or perhaps that you simply want to keep that youthful spirit of spontaneity, still liking kids shows, colouring books, biking around, and other media and activities intended for a preteen audience? If I knew more exactly what you, personally, mean by wanting people to see you as a preteen, what this would entail for your daily routine, actions, and lifestyle, I could more accurately respond with ideas on how you might handle this situation.

[11Child]

Wow thanks everyone! :) I really didn't expect so many replies so quickly! :) You're all so nice! I want to reply to everyone, but I'm not sure how much time I will have now...

Do you know what a squish is?

And it's totally normal to be polyamorous (have feelings for several people yourself and/or allow your partner(s) to have other close relationships).

Thanks for this! :) Those picture explanations are really cute! :) I guess what I have is more a squish, but maybe also sensual attraction, I'm not completely sure cause I never tried anything like that in real life, only in my imagination and sometimes things in real life aren't exactly like you imagine them in your mind. :)

[11Child]

Haven't read your wall of text yet, but no, it's not wrong to feel like that ;)

Thanks :) Yes I know I sometimes write really a lot and usually with very few paragraphs. I have been told already a few times on another forum that my posts were difficult to read cause there's too much text :redface: and I'm really trying now, but maybe it's just my child mind that makes it difficult for me to separate things from each other. :P

Well I'm no expert but you sound possibly aromantic to me although really I personally have trouble figuring out just what IS romantic. I feel very similarly to you but I still identify as romantic because I do rather like the idea of doing more traditional "romantic" things like kissing on the lips and I'm definately sensually attracted to some people but only once I've gotten to know them.

As for the second question. I really don't think you can force yourself not to crush on someone... trust me I've tried although what you have sounds a little bit more like a squish (non romantic but still very strong attraction "Like a moth to a flame" as I call it) I've had squishes/crushes and they do eventually go away on their own but it's not really something you can force not to have.

You can however distract yourself a bit from the crush/squish by taking up a hobby or immersing yourself in a good book but it may still consume your thoughts until your brain finally simmers down. But it could also lead to a good friendship!

Oh so you mean you don't ever have crushes/squishes on like celebrities or someone you don't personaly know? Because I think I have the biggest crushes/squishes (still not completely sure which one) on people I don't really know personally or don't know them very well.

Yes I don't know if it's possible to force yourself not to have a squish/crush cause it usually happens pretty unexpectedly. :) And besides it kinda feels nice (most of the times)... :P

Now I'm not sure if i should make a new post for the 4th reply or should I put it in this post... I'll make another post, so there won't be too much things in one. :P

[KittiesSong]

I've never had a squish on someone I don't know. I do have some level of strong aesthetic attraction but not a squish. But I also think I might be a bit more on the demi side of romantic attraction.

[11Child]

Well...this hits close to home. I'm aromantic and fully asexual (and female, despite the name), but even I have the occasional sexual dream...and in them I'm always a young child, eleven or twelve, before puberty really started to hit in. I'm twenty five, but still see myself as seventeen most days, despite people around me regularly thinking im in my mid thirties (which I find hilarious. What age I am and what age people see me as doesn't have to effect my actions so long as I can be a responsible adult when the need arises). These dreams disturbed me at first, partially for the very graphic content, and then much further when I realized that I was a child in them. I thought about it for a ling time, and decided that it didnt make ME a peadophile at least...because I didnt want to be with children, I was simply having dreams where I was physically a child. Not mentaly, mind you. So...its not the same situation for me, but its got some similarities in how I felt about it.

Now, you say you want people to "see you as a preteen". What exactly do you mean by that? That you want to be able to act like a preteen for the rest of your life and never have to take responsibility for things? Or that you feel like you didn't want to physically move past puberty, and would have liked to stay looking like that and having people see you as looking like that? Or perhaps that you simply want to keep that youthful spirit of spontaneity, still liking kids shows, colouring books, biking around, and other media and activities intended for a preteen audience? If I knew more exactly what you, personally, mean by wanting people to see you as a preteen, what this would entail for your daily routine, actions, and lifestyle, I could more accurately respond with ideas on how you might handle this situation.

Well that is a really difficult thing to explain, I have been trying for a long time to find the best way to explain to people how and why I want to be seen as a child, but it's just so difficult!

It's definitely not because I wouldn't want to be responsible, because I have always been very responsible and mature in some ways since like preschool :P I don't really see being irresponsible as a kid thing, because there is A LOT of irresponsible adults in this world! :P

The second question: yes I would soooo want to be physically like a 10/11 year old. Because in my mind that's the way I see myself and it's very shocking and disturbing every time I see something on myself that looks as if I was adolescent/adult. I think I feel a lot like transgender people about this. When the picture you have in your mind about yourself just doesn't match how you look in real life.

The things that I would like to do... yes I guess I do like a lot of the things that preteens usually like, not all, because sometimes I am also interested in more serious things (which I have been even when I was chronologically a young kid) and I know that you can still do all the kid stuff even if you're an adult, so that's not the reason why I want to be seen as a kid.

I think there is just something in your brain that tells you what you are. Like what gender you are. And if you are a child or an adult. And most people are not even aware of that because what their brain is telling them they are is pretty much the same as what other people expect them to be. But when your brain is telling you you should be something different from what other people expect you to be, then you become aware of that. And it's a really horrible feeling. It feels like you are invisible and noone can really see you, or maybe what would explain it even better is: imagine that you go to a foreign country where people speak a different language than you. BUT the thing is, that your language and their language have words that sound exactly the same, except they don't have the same meaning. So what happens is people THINK they understand you, but they don't really understand you. And you're trying to explain to them that they don't really understand you, but it's very difficult exactly because they are so sure they understand you. And it's the same when you are trying to be what you feel you should be in a world where people think they know what you are but they don't really. Everything you do just feels wrong, because you know people don't really see you and understand you.

I don't know... I'm not sure why being seen as what you feel you should be is so important, but I guess it just is. I haven't completely figured it out yet. I just know that my brain is telling me I'm a kid and that's how I want to be seen. I mean I think my whole brain works more like a child brain, even though I am " too smart for a 10-year old kid" - that's what I have been told a few times. And all this didn't start all of a sudden. I have been feeling as if I was a younger child almost since preschool. And when I started school it become even a lot stronger. I just felt like the other kids were so much older and more grown up than me. I felt like a baby compared to them. So I think my brain was always developing more slowly in some way. I never had problems understanding things, so I was always a pretty "smart" kid, but I always had huge problems with how I felt around other people and how I wanted to be seen. I remember once when I was in 1st grade my older cousin said to her friend something about me being a preschool kid. And I was sooooo happy that she thought I was a younger child. I can still remember how happy and proud and right it made me feel. I don't think that's a very normal thing for a kid. I think most kids would be like: hey I'm not in preschool anymore!

So... I think that's just what I am :P And even if I was 100 years old I would still be a 100-year old child. :) I would much rather be an old child than a young adult! So that's how weird I am. :)

[Scottthespy]

Hmm...it sounds to me like you want to be youthful and child LIKE, not childish. Thing is, people aren't going to see you as a kid if you're doing the responsible part of being an adult at the same time. It also almost sounds like maybe you feel like the things you want are immature,and you'd rather people thought you were a lot younger so that they didnt think you were 'too old' for the things you enjoy. I have a friend who was told she couldn't wear 'cute' clothes anymore because she was an adult and had to wear more mature styles, and people often looked at her strangely for her clothing choices. If people had thought she was younger, no one would have cared. Could that part of it for you? You feel like people will think you're strange or look down on you if they see you as an adult who likes children's things, but that you'd be more acceptable as a child who's particularly responsible? Could part of it be that, if people saw you as a kid, you could hang out with other kids and do kid things without risking scrutiny and disappointment from society?

Note: I ask because I dont like to consider things this important while relying on assumptions. I might give a peice of advice or comfort thats way off base because I made a small assumption about something, so I like to have as much insite as possible when I think about stuff like this.

[11Child]

Hi :)

Thank you for being interested in my problem and trying to help me! :)

I know it's almost impossible for people to understand how i feel about this and why.

I feel completely alone in this and most of the time I don't really see any hope and future for my life... but I just try to not think about it and concentrate on things that make me happy. But I know that if I don't figure this out there is no hope for me. I know there are people who feel a little bit like me in some ways, but noone so extremely as I do.

I don't actually feel like I WANT to be child like, i just feel that I AM a child. That's the problem. I don't at all feel like an adult who wants to be a child, I just feel like a child who has been alive for a longer time than normal kids. I don't feel like an adult and not even as a teenager in any way.

But there are kids who are very responsible (sometimes more than adults) and they're still seen as kids.

Well of course it doesn't feel that great if people think you're weird and stupid for doing childish things, but i'm pretty sure that that's not the real reason why I want to be seen as a kid. It's like transgender people don't transition just so they could do the things of the gender they feel, they transition because they feel that that's the right gender for them. And I feel that what I really am is a child (preteen). It's not really about the things I could do or not do, it's just about what I feel that I really am, and I want people to know the real me.

And don't worry if you don't know how to help me with that :) I know it's a really difficult problem. And I can't really explain it well, because there is not that much I can say, all I can say is that I feel really strongly somewhere deep in my soul that I just am a child.

I think the only thing that could help me is if I could somehow prove to people that I really am a child, like if I had some brain scan and they could see that my brain was more like a child brain than an adult brain. And then I could tell people why I feel the way I feel and maybe it would be easier for them to understand. But I'm not sure how much you can see from those brain scans. And I don't even know how I could convince doctors to make a scan of my brain, I don't think they would even take me seriously if I tried to tell them about this.

Oh there is one specific thing that I can describe, but now that I know there are asexual people I think it could just be seen as an asexual thing and not a child thing. Like when I have a squish on someone in real life, I kinda want to be around them a lot and look at them and kinda show them that I like them, but I don't do that because I'm worried they would think I like them in some serious way (like that I would want a relationship or something), but if they saw me as an 11-year old they would just think it was cute and so I could do that without worrying.

But that is of course not the only reason why I want to be seen as a kid.

Thanks again for taking the time to try to help me! :)

[Scottthespy]

Difficult. Most people see gender as a life long thing, though to some it is fluid. Very very few people think of life stages as being ridged. As you've noted, some supposed adults are more childish then actual children, but they're still looked at as adults. For most people its a time issue...even mentally challenged people who are developmentally delayed to the point where their brains will never be older than six are still seen as adults by many people. And you don't come across as most people's idea of what children are like, if your representation here is anything to go by. You're 'too smart', 'too eloquent', 'too savvy'. Kids who display these traits, particularly at a young age, are often said to be 'very grown up' and 'like little adults'. So even actuall children can't escape beeing thought of as more mature(by multiple definitions of the word) when they display an understanding of complex concepts like you do here.

The transgender analogy DOES help me understand where your comming from...though I'm more agender than transgender...but I still don't know how to help you convey this to the world. Its one of those concepts that's harmless enough, but people will twist it and see it in the worst ways possible. It could be seen as 'wrong' for no reason other than it not being the norm...like say a boy who identifies as a boy wearing a skirt. Ultimately harmless, but definately going to be frowned heavily upon.

I haven't bothered telling anyone about my agenderness because for me, its unessesary and would just make people start up a fuss. I can accept them seeing me as 'a girl' and even spouting 'girl' stereotypes since, where I live, I'm pretty much free to do everything both genders do. Bringing up this confusing topic of 'agender' would only serve to annoy people, and make it seem like I'm looking for special treatment because 'why lable yourself if you're already getting everything you want?'. And indeed, at this point comming out with agenderness would be...pushy, unessesary, and a little pompous. My life doesn't change whether people know or not, so forcing the awkward "I'm not normal for even more reasons and now you have to see and treat me special because of it" ideas on people would just be...kind of arrogant of me. You are in a similar position...how you act and what you feel will not change just because people have been told words that will only confuse and aggravate them. As much as you would like people to legitimately see you as a child, you may be able to make better headway letting them just...see you as YOU, an odd but friendly person who gets their work done and has some strange hobbies. Instead of worrying over how they aren't thinking of you the 'right' way, try to comfort yourself with the idea that they're at least treating you with respect for your personal way of doing things. Forcing 'uncomfortable' ideas on people makes them retaliate and try to 'fix' you. Letting them think whatever they want as long as they're kind and friendly may make your life easier.

Then, once you have close friends who've come to terms with the idea that you like to be very child like, you could consider telling them...or better, wait for one to ask, in a good or neutral mood, 'why do you act like this' or 'why do you do these things'. Then you can explain...and hope that the friendship and your actions and personality will be enough to make them at LEAST shrug and say 'well, if thats how you see it'.

I'm still working on advice for this crush thing of yours but if its more of a platonic squish and you have no intention of getting to home base, as it were, you should be morally in the clear for that...adults can be very good friends with children without it being a bad thing, if done right.

[Qwerty]

But another thing that is a much bigger and more confusing problem is that I always feel and see myself as a (preteen) kid and I want people to see me that way as well, because that is the only way I feel good and comfortable around people.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

[11Child]

But another thing that is a much bigger and more confusing problem is that I always feel and see myself as a (preteen) kid and I want people to see me that way as well, because that is the only way I feel good and comfortable around people.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

I wish that was true! :) Because I don't have problems with getting old (at least not any more than other people), but I have a huge problem with growing up! Like I said: I would much rather be an old child (with wrinkles and old age health problems and all) than a young adult (with perfect health and look and all).

(Although maybe it's not fair for me to say that, because I've never had old age health problems and maybe it's worse than I imagine, but it just seems to me that as long as I was able to be a child I could deal with anything. :)

(I will answer to Scottthespy in another (probably long) post). :P

[11Child]

Hi Scottthespy! Thank you again! :)

Yes it's really difficult. I think what makes it even more complicated is that there are soooo many different ways in which people understand "being a child". But all of those meanings get mixed up and then it seems to people like all of those things are one and the same thing even though that's not true. But in the end the only thing that really matters to people when they are deciding whether someone is a child or not is the number of years that person is alive.

I think mentally challenged people don't actually have a brain of a 6 year old (or any other age), I think people just say that because they make IQ tests and then they calculate a mental age from the results and then the number they get is supposed to be someone's "real" mental age. Kids who are "very smart" are seen as child prodigies and geniuses. Even if some people say they're like little adults, they don't say they ARE adults.

I think I understand how you feel about gender, because I also feel like I don't really care that much about whether I'm seen as a girl or a boy or as something in between. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't understand transgender people if I didn't have this "age problem". Probably I would just think: why do transgender people make such a big deal about it? Can't they just be whatever they feel they are and not care so much about what other people think? But that's because I don't feel very strongly about what gender I am. But I do feel VERY strongly about being a child. And the thing is I have tried a few times to be as normal as possible and to not care about how people see me. But it never went very well. At first it looks like it's going ok but after a while I start having so many problems that I have to stop.

I'm sure that I decided like 100 times already that I just won't care about how people see me. And when I just think about it, it seems like it shouldn't be a problem. But when it actually happens and I'm in a situation where people don't see me as a child, it's just impossible to not care. It's kinda like deciding that the next time you have a horrible headache you just won't care about it and that you'll just keep doing things you would normally do. And when you're only thinking about it, it seems like it could be done, but when you get that horrible headache there is no way you can just ignore it and keep doing things as if nothing was wrong. Because that headache is all you can think about. And that's pretty much the way I feel when I know people are seeing me as something I'm not. It feels kind of as if someone just stole my soul and threw it away and all that's left of me is just the outside, but on the inside I'm completely empty and there's nothing left and I'm thinking: "why am I even still alive?" And I know this sounds kind of dramatic but it really describes how I feel best.

I know that I can't force anyone into seeing me as a child. I mean I don't even want to force anyone into anything. It's just that I would like to be able to tell people what I am. Just like transgender people can say: this is what I am, you can accept it or not, but that is the way it is. And then people can do whatever they want with that information. That's why I said I wished I had some proof from a doctor, cause it would make it a little easier to explain to people.

I really don't know how that works in the brain. I don't know how the brain decides and tells you what you are and what you're not. But all I know is the only way I can see myself (and feel good and happy about it) is if I see myself as a child. I don't know maybe it's as weird as those people who feel they need to amputate their leg or arm to feel good about themselves. Maybe it's just some kind of a weird picture of yourself that you have. But if I had to guess something I would say that my whole brain is like a preteen brain (or at least most of it). And why do I seem smarter? Well... I guess I just have more knowledge and experiences and time to think about everything and I also believe quantity and quality of intelligence are two different things.

Thanks again for talking about this with me :) , I think even just talking about it and trying to explain it helps me understand this problem and what I want more. I would really like to know how this identity works. And why you can sometimes feel so strongly about it and sometimes not at all. I feel both ways, about gender I almost don't care at all and about "age" I feel so strongly that it's pretty much impossible to just ignore. Oh well... I'll just keep thinking about it.