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Asexual Men Musings


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Just now, Arodash said:

To clarify. The glorious great state of Maine

Just watch out for those massholes 

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1 minute ago, TreMartEyes said:

I bought an H pattern Mazda B2500 when I was broke I had to learn or walk. With New England winters you learn to drive. 

I couldn't imagine not knowing how to drive. A friend that is in his late 60s never learned to drive.

 

From southern Ontario I've driven to Montana, BC, Arkansas, Georgia and Maine (not all on the same trip LOL). I really enjoy travelling by road.

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3 minutes ago, Arodash said:

I learned to do all of those things because I grew up with my father and he was almost never home due to work so I just sort of started teaching myself how to cook and bake. I once had a step mother who only taught me how to paint nails

Similar situation. My dad was on the road a lot the joys of being a trucker. My mom was laid up when she had my sister she was bed ridden during the pregnancy I had to figure a lot out during that time. 

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6 minutes ago, Arodash said:

It doesnt matter what gender you are. Everyone is chopping and hauling fire wood. Everyone is making sure the driveway is shoveled. Everyone SHOULD know how to gut and clean a fish. 

 

And for more rural areas. Learn how to deal with coyotes. I love coyotes but they are horrible for homesteads, livestock are not safe and sometimes not even vegetables

Yep, mom knew how to get the stove lit the driveway cleared and had a squirrel in the slowcooker while my dad was on the road. 

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8 hours ago, Arodash said:

I also know how to stitch. Ironically more older "men" say its a woman's skill but I dont meet women my age who know how to mend their clothes

In college the professor asked to the class if anyone knew how to use a sewing machine because she was going to use a sewing machine analogy. I was the only one to raise my hand out of 50 students. The professor was a bit shocked that only one person out of fifty knew how to use one and that the one person was a guy.

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When you live alone you either learn how to sew,, even if just to replace a button, or you spend a lot on clothes 

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21 hours ago, TreMartEyes said:

Apologies accepted although no need to be sorry. This isn't a good medium for dialogue. It is interesting the worlds we have to navigate. In one context I am the atypical society driven definition of a man. I hunt, fish , love sports, and I can drive most heavy equipment and wear boots. Although, when the conversations change to relations and sex I find that I no longer identify. As you said I do what makes me happy and I don't worry about the petty BS that is the expectations of a straight hetero guy 

I'm not really a fan of that stuff, tbh.  The only things I'm interested in that are generally attributed to men only are guns (academic interest only), games (debatable, imo), and.... I think that's about it, tbh (well, I do like WWII-era military vehicles, but that's a rather specific thing so idk if that'd count).  Meanwhile, I enjoy romance sub-plots so long as they're well-written, I know a bit about sewing, and I can cook if I need to (live with a bunch of other people atm, so I don't really cook often).

 

Really, I don't consider myself a 'man' because when I think of what that means, all I can think of is a Chuck Norris-esque list of qualities and I very clearly don't fit any of that.  The only terms I use for myself are 'guy' or 'male'- moreso the former- as I don't really have any qualities attached to them aside from anatomical ones at most.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I don't think this is an ace moment, but those of you that are fully or partially touch adverse can probably relate. I don't mind hugging or being hugged by my female friends. What follows happened back in the 90s while visiting a friend in western Canada. During the visit someone wanted to take a photo of my friend and I in front of something. We stood side by side and my friend stood close and quite easily put her arm around me. I was completely uncomfortable with putting my arm around her. I imagine if I was to dig up the picture you could see the awkwardness on my face. I know it would be hard to do s, but I was afraid how or where I put my arm (and hand), it would be wrong. Thankfully, I haven't had many instances of that happening since.

 

Some of my awkwardness towards her over the years (I've known her since we were teens) is why I came out to her this past summer.

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I think I get what you are saying, Will. I don't mind hugging or being hugged by female friends either. But something about a photograph makes it more awkward I think. It's a "permanent" record and could be open to misinterpretation. I don't like people to misconstrue things, and am even more wary about it when it involves other people. That and I tend to be a bit (or more than a bit) socially awkward. :P 

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If it had been a group shot I doubt it would've bothered me. The closeness factor is what 'upset' me.

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I’m fairly used to putting my arm around friends when we take photos, so I don’t think much of it. That said, I generally only do so reciprocally when someone puts their arm around me so I don’t accidentally make folks uncomfortable. I’m a big fan of platonic touch, (even if brief exchanges like hugs and putting arms around each other doesn’t do much for me,) so as long as everything reads as platonic to me, it’s good.

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  • 4 weeks later...

So the other night, after years of questioning whether I was asexual or not (huge misunderstandings about what the term encompasses), it all clicked after some research. I am asexual, and it explains so much of the disconnect I always felt during sex. For years I tried following societal norms, and had even come out as gay when I was 15.
I’m still sorting through a lot right now, but haven’t had sex in several years (and have no desire for it). I kept blaming my lack of a libido on all sorts of other factors, but the other night when it all clicked, I was like, “There has been nothing wrong with me this entire time.” And it so explains why I always felt so removed during intimacy, really only engaging in sex to please the other person.

I think it will take time to acclimate to realizing I am asexual. It definitely took some time when I realized I was an atheist. Any advice would be appreciated, this is so new for me.

 

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this i

10 minutes ago, zmacias said:

So the other night, after years of questioning whether I was asexual or not (huge misunderstandings about what the term encompasses), it all clicked after some research. I am asexual, and it explains so much of the disconnect I always felt during sex. For years I tried following societal norms, and had even come out as gay when I was 15.
I’m still sorting through a lot right now, but haven’t had sex in several years (and have no desire for it). I kept blaming my lack of a libido on all sorts of other factors, but the other night when it all clicked, I was like, “There has been nothing wrong with me this entire time.” And it so explains why I always felt so removed during intimacy, really only engaging in sex to please the other person.

I think it will take time to acclimate to realizing I am asexual. It definitely took some time when I realized I was an atheist. Any advice would be appreciated, this is so new for me.

This is exactly how i felt with a similar story last month when i heard about asexuality. I wondered if i was gay until i found out i wasn't, after that i just assumed i was straight and chased the prize i never enjoyed. Not sure i have any advice. Figuring out what you don't like is important, maybe now you know you can figure out what you do like?

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24 minutes ago, zmacias said:

So the other night, after years of questioning whether I was asexual or not (huge misunderstandings about what the term encompasses), it all clicked after some research. I am asexual, and it explains so much of the disconnect I always felt during sex. For years I tried following societal norms, and had even come out as gay when I was 15.
I’m still sorting through a lot right now, but haven’t had sex in several years (and have no desire for it). I kept blaming my lack of a libido on all sorts of other factors, but the other night when it all clicked, I was like, “There has been nothing wrong with me this entire time.” And it so explains why I always felt so removed during intimacy, really only engaging in sex to please the other person.

I think it will take time to acclimate to realizing I am asexual. It definitely took some time when I realized I was an atheist. Any advice would be appreciated, this is so new for me.

 

Each of us react differently. I was quite happy to figure out that I was asexual even though I had never questioned my sexuality.

 

Others seem to be at odds about their identity for a long time after discovering asexuality.

 

However you feel is completely up to you!

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1 hour ago, zmacias said:

I am asexual, and it explains so much of the disconnect I always felt during sex.

So relate to this!

 

1 hour ago, zmacias said:

really only engaging in sex to please the other person

And this!

 

1 hour ago, zmacias said:

I think it will take time to acclimate to realizing I am asexual. It definitely took some time when I realized I was an atheist. Any advice would be appreciated, this is so new for me.

I suspected I was asexual in my teens, but then decided I wasn’t as I did feel some sort of attraction. It wasn’t until my 30s when I stumbled across AVEN that it clicked that attractions can be split. It took me all of a few seconds to be sure I was ace, then several months before I came out to anyone. In my case, and whilst I still occasionally doubt to this day, it took me around 6 months to fully internalise and accept it. I’m now open about being asexual to almost anyone.

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8 hours ago, Iam9man said:

 when I stumbled across AVEN that it clicked that attractions can be split. It took me all of a few seconds to be sure I was ace,

That sounds like me. Mind you it took me 12 years before I felt comfortable enough to come out to anyone. I'm out to half a dozen or so close friends. That's fine by me.

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15 hours ago, Iam9man said:

I suspected I was asexual in my teens, but then decided I wasn’t as I did feel some sort of attraction. It wasn’t until my 30s when I stumbled across AVEN that it clicked that attractions can be split. It took me all of a few seconds to be sure I was ace, then several months before I came out to anyone. In my case, and whilst I still occasionally doubt to this day, it took me around 6 months to fully internalise and accept it. I’m now open about being asexual to almost anyone.

Sounds similar to me, but in my case it was condensed between discovering asexuality at 18 and when I found AVEN a couple years later.  Also I'm picky about who I come out to irl

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On 10/3/2015 at 4:36 PM, RobPal said:

I definitely felt more free to be me when I realised there was a name for how I felt. I can't say I went to the same levels as you have, but I'm an introvert so will always have some level of reservation in a social situation. I think it was just about having the pressure of paring up with someone lifted from my shoulders allowed me to interact with others with no hidden agenda. This change happened within the first year of me finding out about my asexuality and was commented on by a friend, so it was clearly a noticeable difference. I love the fact that I'm more comfortable with being me, and this has given me more confidence to deal with situations that I'm not instinctively comfortable with.

This sounds very much like how I felt in my first year of discovering asexuality. 7 years down the line, not so much. I actually feel more trapped than ever and hate being an aro-ace.

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  • 1 month later...

Recently found out someone I work with asked one of my co-workers if I'm celibate....like, ew. I feel super awkward talking to her now, but I don't think she knows I know.

 

I had to ask my friends if I'm radiating some kind of ace vibes, but they reassured me I'm not :P 

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@Arodash, it's testicular pain purportedly caused by a lack of ejaculating by whatever means 

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43 minutes ago, Skycaptain said:

@Arodash, it's testicular pain purportedly caused by a lack of ejaculating by whatever means 

One of my friends was actually told by his doctor he needed to ejaculate more when he was in his 20s! Doubt it actually gave him blue balls mind you, but must have caused some physical symptoms for the doctor to mention it!

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Ejaculating itself was somewhat uncomfortable for me so avoiding it isn't so much a problem.  Besides, when I'm sick it seems that some of the sperm get 

released back into my body and the balls deflate.  It seems to boost my immune system so I heal much faster.

 

 

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50 minutes ago, richbo said:

It seems to boost my immune system so I heal much faster.

Interesting. This is what some of Tantra is based on, from what I understand.

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Someone else mentioned that to me recently without the reference.  Almost 30 years ago when I had a fatal condition, remaining sexually continent facilitated my recovery and accelerated my healing process.  I believe I can credit my mostly good health today by continuing to abstain.

 

 

 

 

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At this point my life is relatively stress free and my mind quiet and serene.  I don't think I can generate enough emotional/psychic intensity to have desire.  Even when things are going wrong I calmly proceed to resolve the problem.

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14 hours ago, Arodash said:

Oh..... im 26 how have I never heard this before

I've heard it since I was a teen. A guy says he hasn't gotten laid in ages and it's certain someone will say, "You must be getting a pretty good case of blue balls then?"

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While blue balls are a thing in popular culture, there isn't much evidence or research to back up the oft-cited mechanism (epidydimal dilatation) and not all clinicians agree it exists. If you're getting regular pain in your testicles and don't know why, consider seeing a doctor.

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