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I definitely prefer woman as friends, but I have never had a very close female friend. Although I have only known that I am ace for about a year now. Before I knew, I did not have many female friends. This is partly because I would hope every relationship that I had with women could lead to a romantic relationship. It is ironic because I am aro too, but I so wanted to be myself with someone and I thought that a GF could be the only person I could do that with. Sex and romance were not the goal, but the obstacle. What I wanted was GF level intimacy. So now that I know I am ace, I am just myself around women and for the most part men too; which is honestly better than what I thought my best case scenario was. However, I do crave closer relationships particularly with woman; possibly even queer platonic.

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Was anyone else super insecure in their masculinity before finding out? I know I was.

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Skycaptain

Dawg4280, I concur, I was always self-conscious about doing anything which could be perceived as unmacho, now I just don't care.

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Yep, me too. Especially when around other guys who were stereotypically doing manly things. I still feel that I need to assert my manliness in order to have some kind of identity, but I always kind of fall a bit short, well at least I feel like I do. Saying all that I get annoyed when I'm branded as a typical male, as I'm proud to be a unique individual who doesn't conform to any clichés. I think I'm my own worst enemy.

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I was never very masculine to begin with, nor cared about being it. I've had insecurities about fitting in with other guys but they were more for being introverted/socially awkward and overall a bit nerdy than for being asexual. The only "manly" treat I have it's that I'm into some sports (namely football or soccer), that's about it. Ironically, I've been told that I look fairly masculine and grown up, but then my behavior doesn't match that at all :rolleyes:

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For some reason I played up to the "girly" side of myself. Guess it was a kind of defiance against typical masculinity. I guess my asexuality is partly tied into that, insofar as disinterest in sex can be seen - however wrongly - as a feminine trait

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The ace in space

Was anyone else super insecure in their masculinity before finding out? I know I was.

I didn't even care back then. For some reason it never even occurred to me that people were programed to think masculinity belongs to men and femininity belongs to woman. I can see how masculinity would be something to be insecure about for us though, given sex is somewhat tied to men...
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IBendTheLine

Was anyone else super insecure in their masculinity before finding out? I know I was.

I was, but not in regards to sex: Rather, in general I'd been cast out from my peers for a lack of "masculinity." Literally a group wouldn't let me play with them when I was in first grade because "I wasn't strong" (And then I tripped him and guess who cried?). Now I'm not so much insecure about my masculinity (I try to put others before myself. Enough for me on that front) but just as a person in general...

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I have more in common with gay men than straight men.

I feel like I have more in common with straight men, but it is close. I also fell like I have not undone all of the over compensating for my masculinity, I sometimes fell like if I had grown in an ace aware world I would not act as masculine as I do. which would still set some people's gaydars off probably.

For some reason I played up to the "girly" side of myself. Guess it was a kind of defiance against typical masculinity. I guess my asexuality is partly tied into that, insofar as disinterest in sex can be seen - however wrongly - as a feminine trait

I always thought of it as unmasculine more than feminine. But ya I do this too, I especially did after I first found out and first started coming out.

Was anyone else super insecure in their masculinity before finding out? I know I was.

I didn't even care back then. For some reason it never even occurred to me that people were programed to think masculinity belongs to men and femininity belongs to woman. I can see how masculinity would be something to be insecure about for us though, given sex is somewhat tied to men...
did you think you were straight back then?

Was anyone else super insecure in their masculinity before finding out? I know I was.

I was, but not in regards to sex: Rather, in general I'd been cast out from my peers for a lack of "masculinity." Literally a group wouldn't let me play with them when I was in first grade because "I wasn't strong" (And then I tripped him and guess who cried?). Now I'm not so much insecure about my masculinity (I try to put others before myself. Enough for me on that front) but just as a person in general...
I think sex (or my inability to successfully think about it) was the root of the insecurity, but it end up affecting my whole identity and self expression. I remember having some issue with it before puberty as well, but I had always known that I was not that masculine (whether or not I accepted it was another story) and that it would be problematic if I displayed that. Edited by Naosuu
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The ace in space

Was anyone else super insecure in their masculinity before finding out? I know I was.

I didn't even care back then. For some reason it never even occurred to me that people were programed to think masculinity belongs to men and femininity belongs to woman. I can see how masculinity would be something to be insecure about for us though, given sex is somewhat tied to men...
did you think you were straight back then?

Well get comfortable kids because it's quite a story. I started out thinking I was straight, until I developed attractions to men, so I thought I was gay. Until I realized I was still attracted to woman, so then I thought I was bi. And THEN I discovered asexuality and identified with it immediately. But since, my masculinity and romantic orientation has been foggy due to the fact that I now find people of all genders attractive. I think the biggest reason I used to think I was gay was because I knew I wasn't straight. I may or May not have wandered off topic there... Um, might I ask if you could explain what you meant by insecure in their masculinity? There's a chance I misinterpreted it :/

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The ace in space

.I think sex (or my inability to successfully think about it) was the root of the insecurity, but it end up affecting my whole identity and self expression. I remember having some issue with it before puberty as well, but I had always known that I was not that masculine (whether or not I accepted it was another story) and that it would be problematic if I displayed that.

I can agree with this. For some reason, even though I never really payed attention to masculine and feminine traits, having a nonexistent libido did make me feel like I was less of a male.

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Was anyone else super insecure in their masculinity before finding out? I know I was.

I didn't even care back then. For some reason it never even occurred to me that people were programed to think masculinity belongs to men and femininity belongs to woman. I can see how masculinity would be something to be insecure about for us though, given sex is somewhat tied to men...
did you think you were straight back then?

Well get comfortable kids because it's quite a story. I started out thinking I was straight, until I developed attractions to men, so I thought I was gay. Until I realized I was still attracted to woman, so then I thought I was bi. And THEN I discovered asexuality and identified with it immediately. But since, my masculinity and romantic orientation has been foggy due to the fact that I now find people of all genders attractive. I think the biggest reason I used to think I was gay was because I knew I wasn't straight. I may or May not have wandered off topic there... Um, might I ask if you could explain what you meant by insecure in their masculinity? There's a chance I misinterpreted it :/

I guess it just made me fell like I was less than a man. Any attractions I had were of the hetero sort, so I did not have any reason to fell like I was not straight until I found asexuality. So I was always held myself to a really macho standard that I could not live up to. I actually used to be very envious of queer men.

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Skycaptain

I have always been very self-conscious. The clothes I wore= plain shirts. No aftershave as I thought that was effeminate. Grade 1 haircut, ditto, that was manly, not natural., Car, only REAL men drive manuals, so I did. If it was perceived a (pardon the non-egalitarian phrase here) gay, or camp thing a consciously avoided being seen near it. Now, I have just given up pretending, I am me, and if this is not the person you wanted me to be, well tough. I tried, but a square pegh doesn't fit into a round hole

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As I have said, I am about as out as you can be. I sometimes fell like guys just ignore it. And girls just do not find me interesting almost seem like they think of me as an annoyance. I fells like women think of ace men as these least interesting male demographic. Maybe it is just me?

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The ace in space

Was anyone else super insecure in their masculinity before finding out? I know I was.

I didn't even care back then. For some reason it never even occurred to me that people were programed to think masculinity belongs to men and femininity belongs to woman. I can see how masculinity would be something to be insecure about for us though, given sex is somewhat tied to men...
did you think you were straight back then?

Well get comfortable kids because it's quite a story. I started out thinking I was straight, until I developed attractions to men, so I thought I was gay. Until I realized I was still attracted to woman, so then I thought I was bi. And THEN I discovered asexuality and identified with it immediately. But since, my masculinity and romantic orientation has been foggy due to the fact that I now find people of all genders attractive. I think the biggest reason I used to think I was gay was because I knew I wasn't straight. I may or May not have wandered off topic there... Um, might I ask if you could explain what you meant by insecure in their masculinity? There's a chance I misinterpreted it :/

I guess it just made me fell like I was less than a man. Any attractions I had were of the hetero sort, so I did not have any reason to fell like I was not straight until I found asexuality. So I was always held myself to a really macho standard that I could not live up to. I actually used to be very envious of queer men.
I can make sense of that. It's tough trying to fit in than and trying to be a certain standard. How come you were jealous of queer men?
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Was anyone else super insecure in their masculinity before finding out? I know I was.

I didn't even care back then. For some reason it never even occurred to me that people were programed to think masculinity belongs to men and femininity belongs to woman. I can see how masculinity would be something to be insecure about for us though, given sex is somewhat tied to men...
did you think you were straight back then?

Well get comfortable kids because it's quite a story. I started out thinking I was straight, until I developed attractions to men, so I thought I was gay. Until I realized I was still attracted to woman, so then I thought I was bi. And THEN I discovered asexuality and identified with it immediately. But since, my masculinity and romantic orientation has been foggy due to the fact that I now find people of all genders attractive. I think the biggest reason I used to think I was gay was because I knew I wasn't straight. I may or May not have wandered off topic there... Um, might I ask if you could explain what you meant by insecure in their masculinity? There's a chance I misinterpreted it :/

I guess it just made me fell like I was less than a man. Any attractions I had were of the hetero sort, so I did not have any reason to fell like I was not straight until I found asexuality. So I was always held myself to a really macho standard that I could not live up to. I actually used to be very envious of queer men.
I can make sense of that. It's tough trying to fit in than and trying to be a certain standard. How come you were jealous of queer men?

Well because I just could not figure myself out. I thought I was straight but with some sort of block, so i thought about the possibility of being any queer identity I known of and each one just did not fit either, even less so. I was jealous of just about everyone else really. Mostly I want to be just a normal straight person, but I would have rather been gay than what I was. At least they could be happy. I did not see how I could possibility be happy. Glad those days are over :)

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Well because I just could not figure myself out. I thought I was straight but with some sort of block, so i thought about the possibility of being any queer identity I known of and each one just did not fit either, even less so. I was jealous of just about everyone else really. Mostly I want to be just a normal straight person, but I would have rather been gay than what I was. At least they could be happy. I did not see how I could possibility be happy. Glad those days are over :)

I was also jealous of the types of relationships that gay men could form with women, kind of still am. I know that there some stereotypes associated with this, but still. To me sex and romance were the obstacles, not the goal. I wanted GF level intimacy. Gay guys could have intimate relationships with women without having to worry about the other stuff.

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The ace in space

Was anyone else super insecure in their masculinity before finding out? I know I was.

I didn't even care back then. For some reason it never even occurred to me that people were programed to think masculinity belongs to men and femininity belongs to woman. I can see how masculinity would be something to be insecure about for us though, given sex is somewhat tied to men...
did you think you were straight back then?

Well get comfortable kids because it's quite a story. I started out thinking I was straight, until I developed attractions to men, so I thought I was gay. Until I realized I was still attracted to woman, so then I thought I was bi. And THEN I discovered asexuality and identified with it immediately. But since, my masculinity and romantic orientation has been foggy due to the fact that I now find people of all genders attractive. I think the biggest reason I used to think I was gay was because I knew I wasn't straight. I may or May not have wandered off topic there... Um, might I ask if you could explain what you meant by insecure in their masculinity? There's a chance I misinterpreted it :/

I guess it just made me fell like I was less than a man. Any attractions I had were of the hetero sort, so I did not have any reason to fell like I was not straight until I found asexuality. So I was always held myself to a really macho standard that I could not live up to. I actually used to be very envious of queer men.
I can make sense of that. It's tough trying to fit in than and trying to be a certain standard. How come you were jealous of queer men?

Well because I just could not figure myself out. I thought I was straight but with some sort of block, so i thought about the possibility of being any queer identity I known of and each one just did not fit either, even less so. I was jealous of just about everyone else really. Mostly I want to be just a normal straight person, but I would have rather been gay than what I was. At least they could be happy. I did not see how I could possibility be happy. Glad those days are over :)

Well, I'm glad they're behind you! :D
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The ace in space




Well because I just could not figure myself out. I thought I was straight but with some sort of block, so i thought about the possibility of being any queer identity I known of and each one just did not fit either, even less so. I was jealous of just about everyone else really. Mostly I want to be just a normal straight person, but I would have rather been gay than what I was. At least they could be happy. I did not see how I could possibility be happy. Glad those days are over :)
I was also jealous of the types of relationships that gay men could form with women, kind of still am. I know that there some stereotypes associated with this, but still. To me sex and romance were the obstacles, not the goal. I wanted GF level intimacy. Gay guys could have intimate relationships with women without having to worry about the other stuff.

Although I do think gay men still go through hell, same as much everyone else in life, and though I also do think it's possible for anyone to have a platonic relationship regardless of identity, it does seem rather easy for those of opposite sexualities to be better friends. One of the things I have problems with is a lot of people being attracted to me. It sounds ridiculous but hear me out. I don't want to hurt anyone or let anyone down is all, and I have no control over other's emotions, so I can't just *poof* make them not heartbroken or not attracted to me. Personally, I've always been jealous of those who are in platonic relationships. It just seems like I can't have that and it kinda sucks because I just end up breaking people's hearts, even if it's not my fault. I just don't like see people hurt... But okay, enough moping, time to be happy again! *goes off and pets whatever cat or dog I can find*

Also, why did we start talking about bladders a while ago? Just an overly curious guy who couldn't find the origin of the topic is all :)
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Also, why did we start talking about bladders a while ago? Just an overly curious guy who couldn't find the origin of the topic is all :)

I think there was something about stealing something from girls bathroom. But I don't remember what and why. And maybe that was after bladders. Maybe even in a different thread. Too lazy to look it up :D

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Also, why did we start talking about bladders a while ago? Just an overly curious guy who couldn't find the origin of the topic is all :)

It was Skycaptain who first posted a question asking why girls take so long in the bathroom whilst he was waiting for someone to reappear from said bathroom. It's on page 4 of this ever growing thread. This then led to several comments about bladder strength for the next couple of pages.

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Was anyone else super insecure in their masculinity before finding out? I know I was.

I've always had a very dominant personality and won't take any crap (pardon my expression), so no. I always assumed I was gay and disinterested, I guess. I was lucky enough to grow up in an environment where that sort of thing was brushed off so it didn't matter if I was relatively effeminate in my tastes and preferences.

My question for the ace guys is: in what environment are you most comfortable? And least?

(ie. I can't stand locker rooms but I love going to the beach, pool, gym; etc).

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The ace in space

Was anyone else super insecure in their masculinity before finding out? I know I was.

I've always had a very dominant personality and won't take any crap (pardon my expression), so no. I always assumed I was gay and disinterested, I guess. I was lucky enough to grow up in an environment where that sort of thing was brushed off so it didn't matter if I was relatively effeminate in my tastes and preferences.

My question for the ace guys is: in what environment are you most convertible? And least?

(ie. I can't stand locker rooms but I love going to the beach, pool, gym; etc).

This is a really good question. Hmm... I'm really antisocial so really any place with a lot of people makes me uncomfortable. But as far as being in a place as an ace goes, mine would actually be along the lines of stores like hot topic. I don't know about hot topic itself, but I've been into plenty of stores like it where they have items that cater to your, um... fantasies. I don't have a problem with other people liking this stuff, it's just personally, role play scares/disturbs me (srry if tmi...) Also, just about any place with condoms (again possibly tmi sorry) Oddly enough, I don't mind locker rooms, pools, beaches and the stuff, though I still don't really like being shirtless...
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My question for the ace guys is: in what environment are you most convertible? And least?

(ie. I can't stand locker rooms but I love going to the beach, pool, gym; etc).

Oh, good, I'm not the only one that dislikes locker rooms.

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butterflydreams

I have always been very self-conscious. The clothes I wore= plain shirts. No aftershave as I thought that was effeminate. Grade 1 haircut, ditto, that was manly, not natural., Car, only REAL men drive manuals, so I did. If it was perceived a (pardon the non-egalitarian phrase here) gay, or camp thing a consciously avoided being seen near it. Now, I have just given up pretending, I am me, and if this is not the person you wanted me to be, well tough. I tried, but a square pegh doesn't fit into a round hole

I dunno, my mom has always driven manuals :P She taught my dad when they got married. Then she taught me ^_^ I just got my first manual car! (3 previous automatics)

Good on you though for finding your own place and doing your thing. There's a lot to be said for that. :cake:

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99% of drivers in the UK learn to drive manual rather than automatic., so it's not associated with masculinity over here, however a general interest in cars is definitely a more male interest.

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My question for the ace guys is: in what environment are you most convertible? And least?


(ie. I can't stand locker rooms but I love going to the beach, pool, gym; etc).

I do not mind those places. What can make me feel unconformable is alcohol fueled situations, like dancing, clubbing, karaoke, sometimes parties in general, etc.

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Skycaptain

N Dakota,

I hate being anywhere where I have to undress, end of. Where I am weird is crowded situations. I can be with friends in a busy pub quite happily, but I am not comfortable on my own, whereas I can go into a country pub either on my own or with a group no problem.

Favourite place of the lot is in my car on an open road, I can just lose myself and escape from everything I don't like about me

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