Asexual Men Musings

[œddy]

21 minutes ago, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

Another problem is that the single lady might get the wrong idea even if your just being friendly, or are legitimately having an interesting conversation on some topic.

Most aces probably don't want to 'come out' to a stranger/near-stranger as part of casual chat.
Less of a problem if they are a friend of a friend, a family relation to a friend or part of the LGBT+ crowd, or some combination of these.

Its a real shame that that 'vibe' will always be there with men always trying to climb the ladder or get into their underwear.

Dating culture has made it impossible to just have a conversation without it clearly meaning to lead somewhere else.

 

I was at a wedding recently and talking to a very pretty single 18 year old most of the evening. If anything, it was interesting to talk about her life direction and it sadly did keep up the pretence for some of my hypersexual friends that were there. Sadly her mother was also there and thought I had other intentions, to the point of cautioning me away!

[Bronztrooper]

7 hours ago, œddy said:

I've nervously laughed at some pretty uncomfortable situations because I didn't want to express how I really felt..

My face defaults to an expression that looks like I'm trying not to laugh when I'm in an uncomfortable situation.  It makes people think I'm fine with it and I seem to be incapable to bringing myself to tell them that I'm not comfortable with it.

 

Doesn't help that I just keep that kind of stuff to myself and try to push it out of my mind afterwards.

 

6 hours ago, TheLastOfSheila said:

Of course sexual assault isn't legally restricted to just women.  My point was about perceptions, not reality.  The reality is that many men have suffered abuse, but as you pointed out, male victims are not taken seriously, which is pretty tragic.

Ah, fair enough.  The intended meaning probably wasn't all that clear to me when I read it.

[topsiderob]

On 9/18/2018 at 10:49 PM, topsiderob said:

Hi

Just like to share a recent experience. 

I was invited to a leaving do for someone who I had been working with. 

I had only planned to have a quick drink or two and say cheerio. 

However whilst there, this woman became very friendly, and appeared to be buying everyone drinks, but in retrospect she must have just been buying me drinks. Or it could have been her husband, because she didn't appear to go to the bar or anywhere else all evening. 

I was drinking coke at the time but she insisted I had something alcoholic.  

I thought she was a friend and was just being generous, I relaxed and accepted the drinks. I bought her a couple of cokes as I could see she was getting very drunk herself. 

She asked me to go to the bar for a couple of whisky shots, and as I turned around to the leave the bar, she groped me. 

I was a little shocked by her behaviour so when I returned to the table I made sure I sat further away from her, but she moved too. 

She started stroking my hair and putting her arms round me. She then started kissing my face and neck.  I was drunk myself by this time, and I strongly feel because of this I couldn't judge the situation I was in properly. Because she was drunk herself, I was putting her actions down to the drink. I did tell to her to stop otherwise she might regret it in the morning but she dismissed my concerns.

I noticed her husband was sat about six feet away watching all of this. I remember thinking 'are you not going to intervene here mate?' She told me she had a confession to make, that she and her husband were in a polygamous relationship, she was bisexual and the reason she was leaving was to go and be with her girlfriend that she and her husband 'shared'.  She questioned my sexuality, I told her I was asexual but she ignored this insisting I was bisexual instead. 'Who do you fancy?' she said. I replied I didn't fancy anyone but she still wasn't listening.

She told me that if I wanted some sex myself, I was welcome to join all three of them at any time.  

Eventually her husband called her round to where he was sitting. He didn't look very happy with her. She made a remark that she was in 'trouble'. I remember thinking again' yes I imagine you probably are'. 

I felt  uncomfortable so I decided to leave, when I said goodbye to her, she groped me again, this time while her husband was sat next to her. He didn't react to this at all. I made a very swift exit. It was only when I had sobered up, I realised what this couple had tried to do. 

 

[topsiderob]

This  woman was actually my line manager. I don't know wether to make a complaint which could result in her getting fired or just chalk it down to a bad experience and move on

[Bronztrooper]

On 9/23/2018 at 7:42 PM, topsiderob said:

This  woman was actually my line manager. I don't know wether to make a complaint which could result in her getting fired or just chalk it down to a bad experience and move on

I had this one guy that I worked in the same department in when I worked at Amazon that made a lot of sexual jokes and generally screwed up 'jokes' as well (probably misogynistic in nature, I guess, but I just let it go at the time because I didn't want to start an argument).  Those sexual jokes were a lot more crude than anything my dad would have said (which is saying something) and even if they weren't, I still wouldn't have been comfortable with it.  Thing is, I saw him interacting with the women that worked in the department and he was always nice to them (from what I saw) and didn't make any of those jokes around them, so I wasn't entirely sure which behavior was an act and which wasn't.

 

 

 

One of those screwed up 'jokes' was during when he first interacted with me while I was trying to load a truck and he asked me how many hookers I'd killed.  Of course, being a gamer (one of the first games I remember playing was GTA San Andreas), I immediately thought he was talking about GTA IV and he immediately said "No, I meant in real life".  The way he was so casually talking about it (to the point where he said (TMI WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) that he liked stabbing them and then 'fucking the wound') made me think 2 things: 1) there's no way he's serious about this, it's got to be a joke, and 2) if he's not joking then he's a complete fucking psycho and I need to stay away from him.

 

So, yeah, not a good introduction to the guy, and it immediately put him on the list of people I don't want to associate with under any circumstances if I can help it.

 

 

Once I told him that I hadn't slept with anyone (which he was apparently shocked about) he said that he'd buy me a hooker when he had money to spare.  Needless to say, I made sure to avoid him as much as possible afterwards, which was more difficult than I thought.  Multiple times for a few weeks/couple months afterwards, he kept bringing it up and acted like he was doing me a favor, even after I told him that I wasn't interested.  Thankfully, I never saw him at the end of the shift (he probably used a different entrance for the building than I did) so the moment never came to pass.

 

I told one of my friends about it and she said that since it made me uncomfortable, I should report him for sexual harassment, but I never got up the nerve to try.  Partially because I felt like reporting it would have made it into a bigger issue than it was, and partly because I figured it would just be better to keep trying to avoid and ignore him at work (which became much easier when he ended up being a PA (Process Assistant or something like that- basically a step between being a regular employee and being a manager for the department) because that seemed to keep him occupied, but I still dreaded interacting with him.

 

So, long story short I get not being sure whether or not to report something like that.

[Autumn Season]

A guy who talks like Jack The Ripper? This is genuinely scary.

[Bronztrooper]

On 9/24/2018 at 10:39 AM, Autumn Season said:

A guy who talks like Jack The Ripper? This is genuinely scary.

Honestly, I didn't think to make that comparison at the time, but that actually fits pretty well.

 

He was with another guy at the time who didn't really say anything and once he left, I looked at the other guy and asked him if the guy was always like that and he said 'Yeah, pretty much.'  It just added another example of why I don't generally like interacting with straight guys, on the whole.

[will123]

For those of you that have come out as asexual to others, do you find it easier to tell females or males that you know?

 

I've posted elsewhere about being hesitant about telling a married couple that I'm asexual. I can see myself telling the wife (on her own). But I really don't know if I could tell them both at the same time or him on his own.

 

He's not some macho, oversexed type of guy, but I have no idea of how he'd react. A worse case scenario would be a repeat of the 'dramafest' when I came out for the first time to a male friend.

 

On the other hand I felt quite at ease when telling two females that I know about my identifying as asexual.

[Bronztrooper]

Hmm.....  The way I go about it is that I talk with the person for a while and try to use that as a way to judge whether or not they'd understand about asexuality and it hasn't steered me wrong yet.  Thing is, out of the people I've come out to, 3 were men (2 close friends of mine and my dad) and 4 were women (2 close friends, my sister, and a coworker when I worked at Amazon) and the only negative experience I've had with it is when I came out to my dad.

 

I'm generally more comfortable when talking with women, though, but a lot of guys I've met gave me an impression that they wouldn't understand about asexuality for various reasons, so I'm more hesitant to come out to guys than women.  Since I'm heteromantic it doesn't matter too much because they automatically assume I'm straight and, as far as my romantic orientation goes, I might as well be straight, so there's no real point in getting into the minutiae about the subject.  I just get annoyed when they try to do that stereotypical 'guy talk' stuff with me 😒

[Lucas Monteiro]

On 8/17/2018 at 2:53 AM, Adam Taurus said:

Do other asexual men oftentimes feel uncomfortable during discussions about sex? I used to think it was just embarrassment over still being a virgin but now I think it was different. The guys I knew were not looking to make me feel uncomfortable about being a virgin they just thought the discussion should be relatable to me in that it was something I was interested in and it just wasn't.

Yes, I do feel uncomfortable during discussions about sex. If people are discussing it, I try to avoid or just pretend that I'm listening till I have an opportunity to go away from it. It's worst when I feel they are going to ask to me something related to sex and my sexual life, then it just gives me pure anxiety. 

[aerodynamicAce]

On 10/7/2018 at 12:01 PM, Lucas Monteiro said:

Yes, I do feel uncomfortable during discussions about sex. If people are discussing it, I try to avoid or just pretend that I'm listening till I have an opportunity to go away from it. It's worst when I feel they are going to ask to me something related to sex and my sexual life, then it just gives me pure anxiety. 

That's how I felt about it too, when I was younger. I feel more at ease nowadays, mostly because I don't feel pressured into having a sex life or see the lack of one as something negative. I also don't care what other people think about it. It was not easy getting to this state of mind. I had to accept myself the way I was, even if people around me told me that it was unnatural or that I was just a late bloomer and whatever other crap. So I'm pretty chill about sex talk and whatever, but not really interested in it. I know it's especially hard in the country we live in (olá, kkk um brasileiro?? N achei q ia encontrar um ace brasileiro. Tu é de onde?) where they have very certain ideas of how men should be, which includes being obsessed with sex.

[Laplace]

Talking about girls or sex is one of the most boring conversation topics to me when I’m socializing with a group of guys. I have so little to contribute, and very few of them understand that I’m being sincere when I say it doesn’t interest me. But then, they’ll believe me when I say I’m not gay cause I don’t “look” or “seem” gay, and immediately conclude that I must simply lack experience so that’s why I’m not interested in women. Believe both of my statements, I’m telling the truth people! 😫 Is it really so hard to believe that someone who has a persistent pattern of being somewhat of a lone wolf may not want a relationship with anyone?

[araujoleo97]

4 hours ago, Laplace said:

Talking about girls or sex is one of the most boring conversation topics to me when I’m socializing with a group of guys. I have so little to contribute, and very few of them understand that I’m being sincere when I say it doesn’t interest me. But then, they’ll believe me when I say I’m not gay cause I don’t “look” or “seem” gay, and immediately conclude that I must simply lack experience so that’s why I’m not interested in women. Believe both of my statements, I’m telling the truth people! 😫 Is it really so hard to believe that someone who has a persistent pattern of being somewhat of a lone wolf may not want a relationship with anyone?

I see eye to eye with u, man. I'm very uncomfortable in this kind of situation. For many time I's been tagged as gay and that really pissed me off at past, but now I feel more confident of what I want, what I have to be not to please the others expectation. 

[Lucas Monteiro]

On 10/11/2018 at 1:24 AM, aerodynamicAce said:

That's how I felt about it too, when I was younger. I feel more at ease nowadays, mostly because I don't feel pressured into having a sex life or see the lack of one as something negative. I also don't care what other people think about it. It was not easy getting to this state of mind. I had to accept myself the way I was, even if people around me told me that it was unnatural or that I was just a late bloomer and whatever other crap. So I'm pretty chill about sex talk and whatever, but not really interested in it. I know it's especially hard in the country we live in (olá, kkk um brasileiro?? N achei q ia encontrar um ace brasileiro. Tu é de onde?) where they have very certain ideas of how men should be, which includes being obsessed with sex.

Yes, and I think it's especially more hard because of the culture from our country. Sexuality it's something talked more openly here, and people are so proud of their "achievements" on sex, it's difficult to escape from those ideas while they are almost everywhere. Samba, Funk and other related aspects of the brazilian culture just makes this stereotype that the average brazilian wants to have sex in every opportunity, so if you are asexual or just don't relate to this, it gets tough.

 

(E sim sou brasileiro kkk, sou de SP e você? Se quiser só dar PM lá pra gente conversar e não ficar fora do tópico aqui a conversa)

[T2Logan]

I find I'm much more comfortable around females than males for various reasons. Whether they think I'm gay or not, they feel safe with me and realize I don't have some underlying motive. I tend to get a lot of "Men are such pigs/idiots/gross, except for you of course! You don't count in that!" Many conversations with the guys are often sexually based, have innuendos I don't understand, or I'll accidentally say something innocent and they flip it. It just adds to my isolation. My work environment is mainly males, so it's very awkward and I just sit quietly in my office for the day than leave. I think as I'm getting older too I'm getting more and more questions about if I'm dating, if I have a family or kids, etc. I'm sure many have questions, but won't ask my directly.

 

I'm actually more confident to come out and say I'm asexual...I'm no longer ashamed or feel broken at all. It's just who I am and I'm cool with it. I just find myself in an odd situation where that's the one area in my life I'd be fine being out about, but probably the least understood. I'd like to educate people, but where I live in the bible belt, I'm sure I'll get the "you just haven't met the right girl yet," or "you're probably gay but in denial." If anyone has any suggestions I'd be open to that  

 

Does anyone else have this overwhelming feeling they need to apologize for the entire male sex due to how often they are pigs, to put it simply? I tried to explain this to my sister, but I couldn't quite word what I was trying to say....there really ARE good guys out there and we aren't all looking for sex.

[Bronztrooper]

5 hours ago, T2Logan said:

Does anyone else have this overwhelming feeling they need to apologize for the entire male sex due to how often they are pigs, to put it simply?

I do get that feeling sometimes, but not to the point of being overwhelming.  tbh, my overall faith in humanity is so low that there is no real way to bring it into the positive in 7 lifetimes, let alone 1, so the pigish guys out there don't really bother me- which isn't to say that I'm not disappointed that they exist.

[Fluffy Femme Guy]

14 hours ago, T2Logan said:

Does anyone else have this overwhelming feeling they need to apologize for the entire male sex due to how often they are pigs, to put it simply?

Yes, but it's not 'overwhelming'. It's not a constant thing for me.
"I am not proud of my people." is a line I have used on more than one occassion.

[Laplace]

There will always be opportunistic, chauvinistic d-bags and bitchy, elitist misandrists; all genders have their bad apples. I just try to conduct myself with dignity so that I never have to feel guilty for my actions. Unless I’m representing someone, I’m not responsible for another person’s sins, so I refuse to apologize on someone else’s behalf.

[JohnSC]

On 11/1/2018 at 10:37 PM, T2Logan said:

Does anyone else have this overwhelming feeling they need to apologize for the entire male sex due to how often they are pigs, to put it simply? I tried to explain this to my sister, but I couldn't quite word what I was trying to say....there really ARE good guys out there and we aren't all looking for sex.

 

NVM... sorry.

Edited November 7, 2018 by JohnSC

[Homer]

5 minutes ago, JohnSC said:

It feels like to me some people too easily agree with the sexual culture portrayed from movies, TV, Celebrities, etc. If one truly introspects their own life and goals its likely easy to find that there are more important things to address and how we can do our part as some kind of upright person/ member of society.

 

I see the problem as how awake/ asleep oneself is, we have the power to choose and be whatever and however we want.

Careful here, this may well be perceived as elitist.

[aerodynamicAce]

On 11/6/2018 at 10:05 PM, Homer said:

Careful here, this may well be perceived as elitist.

Forgive my ignorance, but I don't understand what could be seen as elitist in what he said? I kinda live under a rock, so I might be missing something?

[Guest]

I wish I could turn my sex drive off. Being on antidepressants before really reduced the problem that it’s sometimes tempting to go back on them just for that reason.

[Divide By Zero]

On 11/22/2018 at 7:04 AM, Little Bear said:

I wish I could turn my sex drive off. Being on antidepressants before really reduced the problem that it’s sometimes tempting to go back on them just for that reason.

I have a libido and I find it incredibly annoying. As I get older I find that my libido is diminishing and hopefully someday it'll disappear.

[will123]

On 11/25/2018 at 11:32 PM, Tuple said:

I have a libido and I find it incredibly annoying. As I get older I find that my libido is diminishing and hopefully someday it'll disappear.

I'm kind of in the dark about what people describe as libido. Is there a way to describe how it manifests itself? I've read here where asexuals have said that the only reason they masturbate is to deal with their libido (neither of which they enjoy).

[Fluffy Femme Guy]

28 minutes ago, will123 said:

Is there a way to describe how it manifests itself? I've read here where asexuals have said that the only reason they masturbate is to deal with their libido

It's like a 'craving' for sex or masturbation. Sometimes it can be irritating.

[will123]

16 minutes ago, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

It's like a 'craving' for sex or masturbation. Sometimes it can be irritating.

Spoiler

OK, I more or less masturbate because of the act and 'results'. I don't really get any sudden urges to take care of things so to speak.

 

[Homer]

I don't see it as a craving. For me it's a bodily function, just like taking a dump. You feel it approaching and you have to take care of it at some point, however I for one prefer to do this in controlled and private environments

[will123]

6 minutes ago, Homer said:

I don't see it as a craving. For me it's a bodily function, just like taking a dump. You feel it approaching and you have to take care of it at some point, however I for one prefer to do this in controlled and private environments

I don't feel it approaching. It's more or less out of the blue I have the few minutes, let's do it. And yes in a private spot too.

[Divide By Zero]

I'm not sure what the best way is to describe libido. Maybe I'll start off by saying that I prefer the term libido to sex drive, even though I think they're considered synonymous. Sex drive sounds like I want to have sex but I don't so I prefer libido because it sounds more like a naturally occurring bodily function like eating or sleeping.  Going back to describing libido, I find it difficult to describe because my libido isn't directed at anything, which I think is typical for asexuals. I think for sexuals their libido typically manifests itself as an urge or desire to have sex with other people (that is, it's directed). I don't think craving or urge is quite the right way for me to describe my libido. Maybe the best way to describe libido is that it's like an itch that has to be scratched. I know it often gets described that way so maybe that's vague and cliche but that's really what it seems like. Perhaps a similar analogy is that when I get hungry I eat something to satisfy my hunger. When my libido gets too distracting I masturbate to make it go away (or, I scratch the itch). Does that make sense to you?

[will123]

@Tuple in some ways yes. I was thinking it was something stronger inside of you.

 

I'll have to ask my sexual friend (we're very open about things) who when he was single (and unfortunately in his middle age)

 

Spoiler

probably wanted to have sex with any female that walked past him.

 

It was annoying to me to say the least...

 

Girls were attractive but I didnt feel the need/want to 'chat them up'. Even now that he's in a relationship he gets overly chatty with women when the two of us are out.

 

(Sorry for the rambling reply)