Asexual Men Musings

[debaser]

On 2017-5-1 at 10:29 PM, NickTheWriter said:

Hey, how do you guys cope when your guy friends start talking "sex and titties" when your pretty sex repulsed? I feel like it's just "Yup, I sure do know about the sex thing..."

If they're talking about it in a casual, jokey manner I'll just shake my head and lament being surrounded by deviants. If they're being serious, I play them at their own game and say the most disgusting, obscene thing I can. It'll usually shut them up one way or another.

[uRBAN_Spaceman]

On 5/1/2017 at 4:29 PM, NickTheWriter said:

Hey, how do you guys cope when your guy friends start talking "sex and titties" when your pretty sex repulsed? I feel like it's just "Yup, I sure do know about the sex thing..."

I grew up very active in sports therefore I was always surrounded by friends with the "jock" and "meat head" mentality which has lead to a very interesting life as an asexual. Any sexual male cliche you can think of happened in the locker rooms on a daily basis. Bragging about which girl they were after or what they would do to her if they could. I go through small phases where I find sex rather repulsive so it could be tough at times but for the most part I am fairly indifferent towards sex. Every once in a while I would become the target for ridicule because I had no desire to pursue a sexual relationship but I don't shame easily so the other guys wouldn't get very far with me when they would try to tease me. They definitely rubbed off on me as I have no problem making perverted jokes on par with any sexual man (as well as finding it funny) and now at 31 years old I can engage in their conversations without skipping a beat. It doesn't matter how dirty the conversation gets anymore.

[Guest]

On 15/06/2017 at 2:14 AM, Debaser said:

If they're talking about it in a casual, jokey manner I'll just shake my head and lament being surrounded by deviants. If they're being serious, I play them at their own game and say the most disgusting, obscene thing I can. It'll usually shut them up one way or another.

You better be careful with that, lol, they might get turned on and assume you're up for some kinky BDSM dungeon action

[Real Estate RICO]

On 6/13/2017 at 11:02 PM, Just like Jughead said:

Not about asexuality but an interesting article on how sexual society thinks men should be. 

 

"The majority of men described social pressures they regularly faced to appear to have a high interest in sex."

 

How Masculinity Is Stifling Men's Sexual Desire

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/myths-desire/201706/how-masculinity-is-stifling-mens-sexual-desire

 

 

#4 really ate at me because I just thought about the conclusions that people jump to when a man turns down sex from a woman (particularly in a relationship setting):

 

1. They're gay. Ironic considering most of those esteemed people who say that hypersexualize gay men regularly. Not that they can connect the dots on how contradictory they sound, though.

2. They're cheating. If you can't get over your trust issues, then why even be in a relationship, much less have friends?

3. They're abusive. REACH FOR THE STARS.

 

I know this has a more snide tone to it.. I'm a little crankier these days.

 

[debaser]

On 2017-6-17 at 3:43 AM, FictoVore. said:

You better be careful with that, lol, they might get turned on and assume you're up for some kinky BDSM dungeon action

It'll get weird for them long before it gets weird for me 

[Guest]

6 hours ago, Debaser said:

It'll get weird for them long before it gets weird for me 

Sounds like my kind of evening 

[Decaf]

After art school I became a nurse, or as it was known in the early 1990s 'a male nurse'.
At that time I was the only male nurse in the hospital and the only other males I had contact with at work were the porters, whose main interests seemed to be farting loudly, discussing the size of their cocks, discussing the numerous nurses they claim to have 'shagged', and also talking about football, beer, fast cars, the horse racing, boxing etc.
My main interests were and still are poetry, music, art, painting flowers, conversation, vegan cooking etc. Dunno how much of who I am is related to being aro/ace...certainly I was perceived as gay and was asked if I was a queer or a poof on several occasions...one time with the observation of 'but you don't walk or talk like a nancy'. I suppose queer is accurate these days, although in the 1990s it was a different word in many ways i.e it hadn't really been reclaimed by the community, so it was still an aggressive insult. On the other hand, I was never beaten up, attacked or ever really felt threatened, which I know would be the case in many parts of the world. And I think after a few years, it became a case of 'he's a weirdo, but he's OUR weirdo', in a clumsily macho but endearing sort of way.

[divided_sky]

Lot of complaining in this thread, yeesh. It's not that hard to just not give attention to people who you don't want to talk to. I tune people out all the time. 

[Pramana]

I realize I don't have any male-specific asexuality issues. Masculinity is not something that I've ever thought about or been concerned with in the first place, so the cultural pairing of masculinity and sexuality has never even occurred to me as a potential problem.

[Dawg4280]

6 hours ago, Pramana said:

I realize I don't have any male-specific asexuality issues. Masculinity is not something that I've ever thought about or been concerned with in the first place, so the cultural pairing of masculinity and sexuality has never even occurred to me as a potential problem.

It can be really really bad. I worry dearly for those who have yet to find us

[Mezzo Forte]

On July 13, 2017 at 5:05 PM, Pramana said:

I realize I don't have any male-specific asexuality issues. Masculinity is not something that I've ever thought about or been concerned with in the first place, so the cultural pairing of masculinity and sexuality has never even occurred to me as a potential problem.

Strangely, this kind of makes me feel better about how I haven't run across these sorts of issues. Even though I've been taking T for 14.5 months, I didn't start to socially transition until last September, and that makes me feel like I don't really have enough experience being seen as a man to truly comment about it. That certainly stopped me from posting on this thread for some time.

 

The only difference I've really noticed so far was the stronger touch barrier. Close friends didn't change anything, but with my casual male friends, hugs became handshakes. Some people assumed that injecting testosterone would suddenly make me sexual, but I don't know if that's more of a trans thing or a male thing specifically. 

[Verb]

9 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Strangely, this kind of makes me feel better about how I haven't run across these sorts of issues. Even though I've been taking T for 14.5 months, I didn't start to socially transition until last September, and that makes me feel like I don't really have enough experience being seen as a man to truly comment about it. That certainly stopped me from posting on this thread for some time.

 

The only difference I've really noticed so far was the stronger touch barrier. Close friends didn't change anything, but with my casual male friends, hugs became handshakes. Some people assumed that injecting testosterone would suddenly make me sexual, but I don't know if that's more of a trans thing or a male thing specifically. 

I think it's a male thing, probably. The assumption being that Testosterone increases aggression and....sex drive, maybe? Idk. Whatever it does, it doesn't do it for me

[A Badhkin]

This is the thread that led me to set up an account, and also so I could read the non-guest-accessible threads.  'Easier to talk to girls, and have friends who are girls- but not sexy-associations therewith.  Suddenly finding one's self in situations where flirting has been going on, but you've just noticed it (and need to run away).  Needing to be told after the fact that you've said things that were interpreted as sexy statements /dooble-entendres (meh), but you never noticed nor intended.'  Yep.

 

After reading many of the now-accessible threads, I'll share this:  It seems I am aegosexual?  It is possible for an image or drawing to be arousing, but to me all real people are just people.  I think I may have found a real girl physically attractive maybe 4 times in very nearly as many decades (rounding up).  Although I'm not sure.  Tried to ask out the last 3 without success.  The most recent lady, upon asking her for perhaps a date, gave me a look of abject disgust... and that was a few years ago. 

 

I'm uncertain/uncomfortable with all the labels.  Its nice to know that others identify with the feelings you have and that you aren't the only one.  But I don't take *pride* in characteristics that appear to be randomly assigned.  Skills earned through hard work or study can be referenced with pride, but applying it to all these other things don't sit right to me.  Its like being fiercely proud that you live on an E-W street, and insist that you've nothing in common with (or are more special than) those nutters living on N-S streets.  'S barking.

 

So, I guess "Ace?"

 

Apropos of the thread topic, can anyone explain to me what folks mean by "making food sexy?"  I'll enter baked goods in the local fairs, and I specifically heard this in relation to cupcakes being judged.  This has confused me for ages.  If a person wants "to make the cupcakes more sexy," do they mean to make them actually sexually attractive?  Or is this just a slang term for edible-artistically appealing?  I just want to make sure.

[Skycaptain]

@A Badhkin, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

[Decaf]

On ‎20‎/‎07‎/‎2017 at 5:44 PM, A Badhkin said:

 

Apropos of the thread topic, can anyone explain to me what folks mean by "making food sexy?"  I'll enter baked goods in the local fairs, and I specifically heard this in relation to cupcakes being judged.  This has confused me for ages.  If a person wants "to make the cupcakes more sexy," do they mean to make them actually sexually attractive?  Or is this just a slang term for edible-artistically appealing?  I just want to make sure.

'Sexing things up' is just slang for adding excitement to something.
'Sexing up a dossier' was one example, or 'This chocolate cake is pure sex' etc. I guess it's about having that cultural reference that sex equals the pinnacle of excitement and happiness.
Personally, I should probably say something is 'total vinyl' lol :-)

[Famethyst]

On 4/21/2017 at 6:30 PM, TheDemi_Urge said:

also hey where are my fellow ace men who are romantically attracted to other men at??

Hello!

On 4/6/2017 at 9:46 PM, chair jockey said:

my strangeness is that I constantly, silently misgender females online

It's funny I have a similar problem, except I often do it the other way around. Whenever I am reading a book or something my default like 80% of the time is to assume the author is a female. I'm not sure why.

 

I just got through reading all 30 pages of this thread, and I've been loving the diversity and things I identify with in other guys. Like many (but not all) here, I have always had more female friends, and only now that I'm in college have I made guy friends, and only because they are nerdy and not into typical "guy stuff" like playing sports and horsing around. Also, that super long digression on urination habits was super random, but I totally identify with those guys who feel more comfortable sitting down--I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. 

 

As I was nearing the end of reading this thread, my mom (who I am sharing a hotel room with on vacation and who I am not out to yet) tried to peek over to look at my screen, and when I closed the screen she (half jokingly) asked "What, are you looking at porn or something?" It took all of my self control to keep from laughing out loud -- if only she knew!

[Yep, me]

I present myself usually in a stereotypically 'male' way (because I like using anything casual and it's mostly nuetral/'male' looking) so strangely even when they know my gender and stuff, they still are supprised by what I like, because it's usually considered feminine or nuetral.

[Yep, me]

22 minutes ago, Famethyst said:

Hello!

It's funny I have a similar problem, except I often do it the other way around. Whenever I am reading a book or something my default like 80% of the time is to assume the author is a female. I'm not sure why.

 

I just got through reading all 30 pages of this thread, and I've been loving the diversity and things I identify with in other guys. Like many (but not all) here, I have always had more female friends, and only now that I'm in college have I made guy friends, and only because they are nerdy and not into typical "guy stuff" like playing sports and horsing around. Also, that super long digression on urination habits was super random, but I totally identify with those guys who feel more comfortable sitting down--I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. 

 

As I was nearing the end of reading this thread, my mom (who I am sharing a hotel room with on vacation and who I am not out to yet) tried to peek over to look at my screen, and when I closed the screen she (half jokingly) asked "What, are you looking at porn or something?" It took all of my self control to keep from laughing out loud -- if only she knew!

If you are uncomfortable, tell them.

[Famethyst]

20 minutes ago, Zenzencat104 said:

If you are uncomfortable, tell them.

I actually plan to come out soon. I wanted to tell them in person, as opposed to over text or phone, and have been out of town for work since I discovered my asexuality. Just waiting for the right time now. 

[Yep, me]

1 minute ago, Famethyst said:

I actually plan to come out soon. I wanted to tell them in person, as opposed to over text or phone, and have been out of town for work since I discovered my asexuality. Just waiting for the right time now. 

Good luck!

[erf]

Hi! I'm a cis-male. So what do you guys say when your sexual guy friends talk to you about sex(or what would you say)? Just asking out of curiosity. I'd probably just act like I'm interested.

[Guest]

@Carson:) you could make up stuff. Its very interesting to watch people's minds try to figure out what a Victorian Land Shark is in relation to sexuality. 

[J. van Deijck]

On 2.8.2017 at 6:06 AM, Zenzencat104 said:

I present myself usually in a stereotypically 'male' way (because I like using anything casual and it's mostly nuetral/'male' looking) so strangely even when they know my gender and stuff, they still are supprised by what I like, because it's usually considered feminine or nuetral.

in my case it's quite the opposite. my appearance is confusing, but my personality, interests and all these things are masculine.

 

On 19.7.2017 at 1:42 AM, Verbosoul said:

I think it's a male thing, probably. The assumption being that Testosterone increases aggression and....sex drive, maybe? Idk. Whatever it does, it doesn't do it for me

[tmi] I'm pretty aggressive, but my sex drive is almost nonexistent.

[txviking]

On 8/4/2017 at 9:31 PM, Carson:) said:

Hi! I'm a cis-male. So what do you guys say when your sexual guy friends talk to you about sex(or what would you say)? Just asking out of curiosity. I'd probably just act like I'm interested.

I do the same, but I feel awkward about it. I guess I feel like I'm not being entirely open/honest with my friends.

 

Perhaps selfishly, I wish society would be less sex-fixated so I would face less of that awkwardness.

[Mezzo Forte]

On August 1, 2017 at 11:46 PM, Famethyst said:

Also, that super long digression on urination habits was super random, but I totally identify with those guys who feel more comfortable sitting down--I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. 

As a transman, it's also super comforting to hear other guys mention that. I wish I was able to stand to pee, but that's more about practicality in certain situations (camping, all stalls occupied in a bathroom, using particularly dirty public bathrooms, etc.) than necessarily wanting to do it all the time. 

 

On August 4, 2017 at 11:31 PM, Carson:) said:

Hi! I'm a cis-male. So what do you guys say when your sexual guy friends talk to you about sex(or what would you say)? Just asking out of curiosity. I'd probably just act like I'm interested.

I haven't spent that long being read as male, but people are generally very uninquisitive about my sex life. (My phone just tried to autocorrect "sex life" to "sex lies" just now. ) I can't even tell what orientation people assume I am, and based on the people who directly asked me about it when I came out as trans, some people just genuinely don't know how to read me in that regard.

 

When it comes to topics that I'm sometimes more private about (orientation, religion, some politics, etc.) I often try to keep the conversation focused on the other person, mostly via asking them questions and hope that they are too invested in talking about themselves that they forget to volley questions back to me. It's worked shockingly well for me over the years.

[J. van Deijck]

I must admit that I'm tired of people in my workplace being interested with my sex life (basically nonexistent, but is it even their business at all?) and asking me if I had sex this week or any similar questions like that. like, is knowing such things about others going to improve their lives or what? 

[Homer]

^ I once had a coworker tell me that she had been asked whether she masturbates.

 

Let's just bear with that for a second here.

Assuming that the answer is 'yes' - what do you do with the information?

Assuming that the answer is 'no' - what do you do with the information?

[JDP]

I think the person who asks such a question is less interested in the answer (or its veracity) than in the reaction.

[Skycaptain]

And there's nothing more irritating than coworkers believing that when you spent a period of time with someone that you didn't bend bedsprings with them. 

I had that a couple of years ago, even though I'm open about being Ace, nobody at work believes that I genuinely spent an afternoon at a single female customer's house cutting a tree down because they'd been quoted an extortionate price by a contractor for two hours work. 

[J. van Deijck]

agreed with all of the above.

 

yesterday one of my female coworkers said something like "Dude, you definitely need to get laid". lolwut?

why do they even assume it's something I actually need?

it's really tiring to see they don't have better topics of conversation + time spent in my workplace has shown me that women have dirty minds more often than men. or maybe it's a thing of my workplace only.