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Asexual Men Musings


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2 hours ago, Bronztrooper said:

I'm selective about who I come out to, so I haven't had to deal with people trying to invalidate me, but like @Darth Plagueis the Wise said, it probably happens just as much to guys, but in different ways for different reasons.  Like, women aren't "supposed" to be sexual while men are "supposed" to be very sexual,  so while women often get treated like it's normal and will change when they meet "The One TM", men will tend to hear stuff like "But men need sex!" or "So, you're gay?"

 

Mindbogglingly frustrating really

I’ve had a few friends suggest that it’d change for me if I found “the right woman” so that occurs as well

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2 hours ago, Bronztrooper said:

I'm selective about who I come out to, so I haven't had to deal with people trying to invalidate me, but like @Darth Plagueis the Wise said, it probably happens just as much to guys, but in different ways for different reasons.  Like, women aren't "supposed" to be sexual while men are "supposed" to be very sexual,  so while women often get treated like it's normal and will change when they meet "The One TM", men will tend to hear stuff like "But men need sex!" or "So, you're gay?"

 

Mindbogglingly frustrating really

My S-I-L told my mother about 10 years ago that I was gay (as if she would know).

 

During my most recent meet up, I mentioned that I hadn't met a male ace. The other person said that considering how 'oversexualized' society is, there are probably men out there that identify as asexual, but feel guilty or shamed about it because of how not being masculine is viewed.

 

I would like to meet some guys that are asexual, to give them support.

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For those of you that feel aesthetic attraction towards women, what are your thoughts? For me it's really mixed, I like how they look, but can't for the life of me understand how I can find some attractive if I don't want to have sex or be romantic with them. Then there is this unsettling feeling that I'm objectifying them like I was looking at a nice car or other inanimate object... 

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On 9/6/2019 at 12:19 AM, Iam9man said:

I suspect female asexuals get labelled “prudes” and male asexuals get labelled “closeted homosexuals” 🙄

Actually, my mothers have asked more than once if i am sure that i am not a lesbian and just don't want to admit it as my father would disown me.  Nope, and i am not about to admit to him that I am asexual either, anything other than straight cis would be an issue and I have 5 underage half sibilings I feel the need to look out for.

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On 9/6/2019 at 12:19 AM, Iam9man said:

I suspect female asexuals get labelled “prudes” and male asexuals get labelled “closeted homosexuals” 🙄

After I read this I wondered about spinster and bachelor. I haven't heard either used in years, but I'm thinking spinster had a more negative connotation than bachelor.

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1 hour ago, will123 said:

For those of you that feel aesthetic attraction towards women, what are your thoughts? For me it's really mixed, I like how they look, but can't for the life of me understand how I can find some attractive if I don't want to have sex or be romantic with them. Then there is this unsettling feeling that I'm objectifying them like I was looking at a nice car or other inanimate object... 

I feel about the same. I sometimes feel guilty because I can like looking at a woman, and I kinda feel the same way about objectification - but not entirely, because my interest is pretty passing and I switch over to dropping that physical element.

 

It can feel odd as asexual, though. There is that interest that starts, but doesn't go anywhere at all.

 

 

Just now, will123 said:

After I read this I wondered about spinster and bachelor. I haven't heard either used in years, but I'm thinking spinster had a more negative connotation than bachelor.

"Bachelor" is commonly associated with being sexually promiscuous, i think. But women definitely face far more stigma.

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1 minute ago, Zagadka said:

I feel about the same. I sometimes feel guilty because I can like looking at a woman, and I kinda feel the same way about objectification - but not entirely, because my interest is pretty passing and I switch over to dropping that physical element.

 

It can feel odd as asexual, though. There is that interest that starts, but doesn't go anywhere at all.

 

 

"Bachelor" is commonly associated with being sexually promiscuous, i think. But women definitely face far more stigma.

I couldn't agree with you more! When I explained my asexuality to a male friend, he said,

Spoiler

"But what about when you've remarked about a girl having a 'nice rack' or 'nice face'?" 

 "Dave I don't know. I just like the way they look but have no interest in having sex with a female..." (insert bewildered/puzzled emoji) I mean, their appearance should be a non-issue to an asexual. And, no it wasn't a case of me saying that so that I would appear to be straight when I knew I was asexual. It was before. I keep my thoughts to myself for the most part but sometimes I'll say jokingly to him, "Well I guess you'd like that redhead..."

 

On the latter, I guess in the 60s and 70s that was usage for the word. I know my mother has used the term to describe chaps that lived by themselves when she was growing up in a rural area.

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5 hours ago, will123 said:

For those of you that feel aesthetic attraction towards women, what are your thoughts?

"*shrug*"

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6 hours ago, will123 said:

For those of you that feel aesthetic attraction towards women, what are your thoughts? For me it's really mixed, I like how they look, but can't for the life of me understand how I can find some attractive if I don't want to have sex or be romantic with them. Then there is this unsettling feeling that I'm objectifying them like I was looking at a nice car or other inanimate object... 

My male friends: “WOW! She’s HOT! I’d **** her!”

 

Me: “WOW! She’s HOT! I’d... I’d...” [nothing] 🤷‍♂️

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Even if there's no desire to bend bedsprings with them, there's nothing unusual or wrong in thinking someone is good looking. It's just natural behaviour. Objectification is more thinking you'd want to bed them without forming a relationship 

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5 hours ago, SkyenAutowegCaptain said:

Even if there's no desire to bend bedsprings with them, there's nothing unusual or wrong in thinking someone is good looking. It's just natural behaviour. Objectification is more thinking you'd want to bed them without forming a relationship

You had to post that :(

 

Up until I identified as asexual and thought I was straight, I wanted to get laid but not have a girlfriend (I know it sounds awful and in some ways still bothers me to think about that). I didn't realise I was aro until about a year ago. Looking back though, signs of that were present when I was a teen.

 

I'd describe my aesthetic attraction as a double-edged sword. I enjoy the appearance of some females due to their physical attributes but that's as far as it goes...

 

At least I'm not in a position to be hiring people and basing my decisions on their appearance, now that I'm pretty sure is objectification.

 

 

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On 9/5/2019 at 8:07 PM, Darth Plagueis the Wise said:

I know that my dad would not approve of it do to me being the last male of his families line. It’s probably considered valid to the same extent as females overall, but isn’t seen as valid for different reasons than females.

Lol I’m literally the only boy in my entire extended family this generation.  Our line is screwed!  XD

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On 9/9/2019 at 5:45 PM, Sir Lancelop said:

Lol I’m literally the only boy in my entire extended family this generation.  Our line is screwed!  XD

My bro and I were the only ones of our generation amongst our immediate relatives (first cousins) on both sides of our family until a boy was born about 7-8 yrs ago on my dad’s side. I’m also the eldest male of my generation in that same group. I have like 10+ female cousins too so it’s fairly lopsided. 😯

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Literally nothing comes to mind finding someone or something aesthetically attractive.  Though aesthetic and human value philosophy is variably subtle in its appreciations.

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On 9/9/2019 at 8:45 PM, Sir Lancelop said:

Lol I’m literally the only boy in my entire extended family this generation.  Our line is screwed!  XD

Lucky for me I have a younger brother, although all my cousins are female.

 

However, I am the oldest son of the oldest son of the oldest son... etc. all the way back to the 1750s and a slightly-illustrious great-etc.-grandfather. Pair this with having a tradition of the eldest son receiving the same first name for many generations and a love of medieval history and I do feel a ever-so-slightly sad that the pattern will end with me, regardless how feudalistic it is.

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As far as family name goes, in a way it's going to die in the next generation of my immediate family. There was only one male in my father's generation to pass it on directly, and none of my brothers or me had male children. The joke is on my dad as he has some strong paternalistic tendencies and ideas. :P (but it's a very common surname so plenty of other people will still have it, just not in my family)

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As the plans for the sperm factories hot scrambled during construction, continuing the family line was out of the question from day 1:P

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Random question, but does anyone have experience dealing with/overcoming panic disorder, agoraphobia, and anxiety?  I’d like to get rid of all that sh*t ASAP.

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4 minutes ago, Sir Lancelop said:

Random question, but does anyone have experience dealing with/overcoming panic disorder, agoraphobia, and anxiety?  I’d like to get rid of all that sh*t ASAP.

Stuff like that is best discussed with a mental health professional. Medical advice over the internet is never a good idea. You might want to check the Intersectionality subforum and there's a Mental Health Support Thread in Tea & Sympathy where a few people have mentioned coping mechanisms, but if you really want to get to the root of things, your doc is the best person to ask :) 

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12 minutes ago, Arodash said:

I experience it and have been coping with it since I was 13, its not a matter of getting rid of it but learning to cope and control it. I highly suggest seeing a proffesional about it as they will guide you through coping skills

I’ve been dealing with it more or less my whole life, but there have been a few periods of several years where it’s been absent.  Really wish it were one of those periods right now.

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On 9/12/2019 at 3:06 PM, Sir Lancelop said:

Random question, but does anyone have experience dealing with/overcoming panic disorder, agoraphobia, and anxiety?  I’d like to get rid of all that sh*t ASAP.

It’s not gonna go away quickly and it may always kinda lurk beneath the surface but I’ve really curbed my own anxiety (largely social) by taking a job in retail. Dealing with people day in and day out has forced me to confront and suppress those feelings which has gradually made me much more confident.

 

Obviously though treatment methods should differ depending on your specific issues.

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On 9/11/2019 at 4:17 PM, daveb said:

As far as family name goes, in a way it's going to die in the next generation of my immediate family. There was only one male in my father's generation to pass it on directly, and none of my brothers or me had male children. The joke is on my dad as he has some strong paternalistic tendencies and ideas. :P (but it's a very common surname so plenty of other people will still have it, just not in my family)

Do you ever get nagged about carrying on the family name? I have 2 lasts name one is incredibly common and the other is extremely rare. My Mother-of the rare last name once said it was a shame that our name will die out with my generation. I reminded her that was have kinfolk in the UK, Maine and even Australia all with more than a couple of young men so the name should be OK and her response was HER branch of the family will die out. Mind you, I do have an Uncle who is still able so one never knows! 

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2 hours ago, ben8884 said:

Do you ever get nagged about carrying on the family name?

Nope. Especially not at my age. :lol:

Never did when I was younger either. As far as I know my parents never nagged any of us to have kids. Some of my siblings wanted kids, some didn't and it was all okay. :) 

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No pressure for me, but then my dad is the kind of guy that doesn't really care how me and my sister live our lives so long as we're happy with it, while my mom doesn't exactly want to be a grandmother (though, tbf, she lives on her own and doesn't talk to me or my sister often) so it's not likely to come up.

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No pressure on me. My mother even commented when my nephew was born, "That takes the pressure off you".

 

They knew I'd had female friends but only once did my father ever make a comment about marrying one girl I knew. She in turn said her mother had made the same comment to her about me...

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I've never felt pressure, but my family is a little odd and not traditional at all.

 

My sister had 4 kids. My mom (jokingly) said that she hopes each of those 4 kids have 4 kids of their own so my sister knows what it is like to be a grandma. I joke that my sister stole the kids I was supposed to have, but she isn't a fan of having 4 kids, herself, so I try to be nice to her.

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Some of my relatives are a little old-fashioned and/or religious so they sorta think it’s my responsibility to have a family and potentially a son to carry on my name. Asians can be kinda particular about that 😒. I’m also the oldest guy among the relatives I see with our last name too sooooo....yeah. 

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Normally I don't react one way or the other about the relationships my friends are in but recently I found out that a male friend has had his female friend of less than a year move in with him.

 

To my mind the whole thing is wrong on many levels. One being since I've known him (mid 80s) he's never mentioned being on a date (heck I've 'interacted' more often with females). Two she was the PSW for his late father. The way he tells it, she initiated things.

 

In June I had found out that he been going out with this person (they're both in their 50s) and then on the Labour Day weekend he tells me that she has moved in with him.

 

The whole thing is a huge shock. I just hope he's not blinded by the affection, she doesn't have an ulterior motive (he owns a house while she was renting a basement apartment) and setting himself up for a big disappointment.

 

I don't know if my concern is warranted or if it's a result of my aroness. That being said, a couple that I've known for a few years broke up a year ago. Over the past nine months they've both moved on and have new 'friends'. My reaction? I'm glad they aren't alone anymore.

 

Any thoughts?

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9 hours ago, daveb said:

Maybe he's happy?

By all indications he's over the moon. I asked a female friend who is trained as a PSW (personal support worker) and she was saying that they aren't supposed to get involved with clients and/or the families.

 

I'm just puzzled about my negative reaction to him having a friend compared to my normal "OK" reaction to a friend having a new 'friend' :huh:

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