Asexual Men Musings

[mav709]

I can't believe I didn't see this thread until now! I considered myself heterosexual until a couple years ago when I started exploring asexuality, but figuring out which label fits has been particularly difficult because of the way men are expected to initiate sex and romance. It makes it hard to figure out whether not having sex or seeking it out is because of orientation or shyness or something else. It helps a lot to hear from more comfortably ace men and compare experiences.

 

Also like a lot of men here I've always felt slightly more comfortable hanging out with groups of women rather than groups of men, whether friends or family. I'm not sure if that's because of asexuality or just a distaste for traditional heterosexual masculinity.

[Divide By Zero]

19 hours ago, mav709 said:

Also like a lot of men here I've always felt slightly more comfortable hanging out with groups of women rather than groups of men, whether friends or family. I'm not sure if that's because of asexuality or just a distaste for traditional heterosexual masculinity

I have two best friends and they are both gay men. I find that they are much more understanding and accepting of asexuality than people who are heterosexual. They also aren't particularly masculine so I feel more comfortable hanging out with them than my with my straight male friends.

[Éadweard]

9 minutes ago, Tuple said:

I have two best friends and they are both gay men. I find that they are much more understanding and accepting of asexuality than people who are heterosexual. They also aren't particularly masculine so I feel more comfortable hanging out with them than my with my straight male friends.

Pretty much the same. I don't get along with straight women.

[Divide By Zero]

On 12/7/2017 at 6:13 PM, Just like Jughead said:

Pretty much the same. I don't get along with straight women.

I get along with women okay. I have a few female friends, although no close female friends. I'm not sure why but I find it harder to be friends with women than men. Maybe it's a product of society and how when growing up boys and girls don't really interact with each other much. I also don't have any sisters.

[Guest]

I think maybe I've been lucky with my friends because they've been really understanding. Two of them are heterosexual married women and others are heterosexual single women. I don't really have any gay friends. I have a heterosexual married male friend that gets on my nerves sometimes with his sexuality by asking me if I find particular women hot and how I would rate them 1-10.

[Warsaw]

On 12/6/2017 at 9:57 PM, mav709 said:

Also like a lot of men here I've always felt slightly more comfortable hanging out with groups of women rather than groups of men, whether friends or family. I'm not sure if that's because of asexuality or just a distaste for traditional heterosexual masculinity.

I feel completely uncomfortable being around women, and prefer the company of men.  I don't like being around women because 

 

1.  They get sexually attracted easily, and NEVER (ever) take rejection well.

 

2.  They expect "traditional heterosexual masculinity," expect being the key word.  My male friends make fun of me for having manicured fingernails, and salon fresh hair, but pass me a beer and consider me an equal anyways.

 

3.  I can't relate to the trials and tribulations of their life, different problems, different point of view, etc.

 

4.  It's easier to share your feelings with men without being judged.

 

5.  I find men to be more compassionate, and willing to help in my hour of need.

[will123]

On 12/8/2017 at 10:44 PM, The Unknown Warrior said:

I think maybe I've been lucky with my friends because they've been really understanding. Two of them are heterosexual married women and others are heterosexual single women. I don't really have any gay friends. I have a heterosexual married male friend that gets on my nerves sometimes with his sexuality by asking me if I find particular women hot and how I would rate them 1-10.

My hetero' friend that I came out to used to annoy me with his endless conquest stories. I never said anything but it WAS annoying, especially for someone in his 40s, not a 20 year old.

 

On the latter bold, the roles were reversed. When I told him that I was asexual and explained to him how I felt, he was puzzled by my past purchases of Playboy and how I'd comment that a girl we saw was pretty, attractive, hot... I told him I thought females were pretty, but that I didn't want to have sex with a female (nor a male which I didn't mention) since I was still a virgin at 55 and not making any attempt at intimacy.

[Guest]

On 12/10/2017 at 4:12 PM, will123 said:

My hetero' friend that I came out to used to annoy me with his endless conquest stories. I never said anything but it WAS annoying, especially for someone in his 40s, not a 20 year old.

 

On the latter bold, the roles were reversed. When I told him that I was asexual and explained to him how I felt, he was puzzled by my past purchases of Playboy and how I'd comment that a girl we saw was pretty, attractive, hot... I told him I thought females were pretty, but that I didn't want to have sex with a female (nor a male which I didn't mention) since I was still a virgin at 55 and not making any attempt at intimacy.

It's the same for me. I'm attracted to women aesthetically but the sex element is of no interest to me. There were girls in the past I really liked and really wanted to be with and I tried to force myself to desire sex with them. Basically, I tried to fantasise about how it would be nice but it didn't work. I may be able to engage in sex for my partner's benefit but my preference would be to date an asexual to avoid difficulties. I hate the thought of anyone pleasuring me and have always been submissive when I have fantasised.

 

I don't know if being sexually abused as a child has influenced my feelings about sex.

[Éadweard]

Male Asexuality and Its Challenge to Masculinity

 

https://goodmenproject.com/gender-sexuality/male-asexuality-and-its-challenge-to-masculinity-jvinc/

[will123]

8 hours ago, The Unknown Warrior said:

It's the same for me. I'm attracted to women aesthetically but the sex element is of no interest to me. There were girls in the past I really liked and really wanted to be with and I tried to force myself to desire sex with them. Basically, I tried to fantasise about how it would be nice but it didn't work. I may be able to engage in sex for my partner's benefit but my preference would be to date an asexual to avoid difficulties. I hate the thought of anyone pleasuring me and have always been submissive when I have fantasised.

 

 

  Hide contents

 

 

In my case I just wanted to be friends with them. I never had any burning desire to have sex with the. I could count on one hand the number of times where I was in a situation where a sexual guy would've 'gone for it', but I had a 'rational' idea for not trying anything.

 

 

[will123]

3 hours ago, Just like Jughead said:

Male Asexuality and Its Challenge to Masculinity

 

https://goodmenproject.com/gender-sexuality/male-asexuality-and-its-challenge-to-masculinity-jvinc/

If people think  male asexuals are a threat masculinity, what about guys with man buns?

 

Or the lumbersexuals? I think those guys are trying too hard to be seen as masculine. I've cut down a few trees over the years at our woodlot but I sure don't dress like a 19th century Quebecois wood cutter.

[Éadweard]

17 minutes ago, will123 said:

If people think  male asexuals are a threat masculinity, what about guys with man buns?

 

Or the lumbersexuals? I think those guys a re trying too hard to be seen as masculine. I've cut down a few trees over the years at our woodlot but I sure don't dress like a 19th century Quebecois wood cutter.

Guess the article struck a nerve. 

[will123]

7 minutes ago, Just like Jughead said:

Guess the article struck a nerve. 

Somewhat, but I don't think sexual males have to worry about us guys that for whatever reason don't want to have sex. 

[Divide By Zero]

3 hours ago, Just like Jughead said:

Male Asexuality and Its Challenge to Masculinity

 

https://goodmenproject.com/gender-sexuality/male-asexuality-and-its-challenge-to-masculinity-jvinc/

This is an excellent article. Thank you for sharing.

[daveb]

It is a good article (nearly 3 years old, but I guess articles like that don't come up often).

[will123]

53 minutes ago, will123 said:

Somewhat, but I don't think sexual males have to worry about us guys that for whatever reason don't want to have sex. 

Since we're out of the dating pool, doesn't that improves their odds?

[Skycaptain]

3 hours ago, will123 said:

If people think  male asexuals are a threat masculinity, what about guys with man buns?

 

Or the lumbersexuals? I think those guys are trying too hard to be seen as masculine. I've cut down a few trees over the years at our woodlot but I sure don't dress like a 19th century Quebecois wood cutter.

 

Lumbersexual = attracted to wood 

 

 

[Homer]

I stopped reading after "mainstream masculinity", whatever that is to begin with. Couldn't care less about these things.

[Guest]

7 hours ago, will123 said:

In my case I just wanted to be friends with them. I never had any burning desire to have sex with the. I could count on one hand the number of times where I was in a situation where a sexual guy would've 'gone for it', but I had a 'rational' idea for not trying anything.

 

 

I didn't mean I wanted to have sex with them. I just wanted them to be my girlfriend but knew not wanting to have sex would mean it was impossible, hence trying to force myself to want sex. My confidence level was really low back then too.

[daveb]

13 hours ago, Sleighcaptain said:

 

Lumbersexual = attracted to wood 

 

 

So does metrosexual mean someone who is attracted to underground trains?

[will123]

21 hours ago, Sleighcaptain said:

 

Lumbersexual = attracted to wood 

 

 

Be careful some people might take that the wrong way.

[will123]

8 hours ago, daveb said:

So does metrosexual mean someone who is attracted to underground trains?

Not quite LOL

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metrosexual

[daveb]

It was a joke. I know what a metrosexual is.  

[RobPal]

On 20/11/2017 at 1:10 PM, Just like Jughead said:

I never wanted to to do anything untoward to anyone. Ever. But I hear guys at work discussing co-workers in inappropriate ways all the time. That doesn’t mean they would act on anything, but it is talked about on a daily basis. 

I've heard many women talk about guys in exactly the same way. Particularly concerning was when female teachers would talk about male students in this way. They were 16-20 years old, so not peadophilic, but still not acceptable discussions to be having.

[Mezzo Forte]

On December 17, 2017 at 8:02 PM, RobPal said:

I've heard many women talk about guys in exactly the same way. Particularly concerning was when female teachers would talk about male students in this way. They were 16-20 years old, so not peadophilic, but still not acceptable discussions to be having.

As an educator myself, I always found attraction between student and teacher particularly uncomfortable. I've joked about wanting the "Chili Pepper" mark on RateMyProfessor for no reason other than to stroke my own ego since I like being well-dressed, but in the process of figuring out the best way to dress for the job, I found an absurd amount of articles about how to flirt with/start a relationship with your professor. Guess I know what to look for in case I need to shut anything like that down, but the fact that so many people seem into that kind of relationship dynamic disturbs me so much.

[Dawg4280]

Does anyone else ever have problems with female friends not ever hangout with you? With my guy friends it is easy, we do stuff fairly often. But for some reason girls would on one hand be offended if I did not consider us friends, and on the other never want to do anything other then just see other at school, work, etc. I am out to all of these people by the way.

[Kola]

I'm new. To start, something that I find to be quite stressful and even annoying is how everyone pressures you to make sexual moves in a relationships. My sexual, male friends always ask when I'm going to kiss a girl, or when I'm going to "get laid" and I honestly can't explain what I feel to them. I don't feel that way about any girl or boy. Sure, I have thought that kissing might be a good idea, but it's not because I'm interested in kissing itself. I think I'm more interested in what it would mean for the relationship. Kissing is a symbol of closeness in the sexual community, and I want to be close with someone. But I don't want to actually kiss them. I have an awesome partner currently, and I feel bad for not kissing them yet, but I truly have no interst in it. I know that I really love her, but I just don't want to kiss her or do anything above hugs. So would this make me an asexual? I believe it does, and I think I am, and I just can't connect with how my male friends see things. They think an attractive girl has a big chest or butt, while I would just enjoy a cool person. The only thing I really care about with looks is a set of pretty eyes, which everyone seems to have, and a nice smile. I think that the only way to avoid these conversations with my friends is to steer them away from talking about girls? I'm not entirely sure. 

[Éadweard]

On 12/22/2017 at 1:29 AM, Dawg4280 said:

Does anyone else ever have problems with female friends not ever hangout with you? With my guy friends it is easy, we do stuff fairly often. But for some reason girls would on one hand be offended if I did not consider us friends, and on the other never want to do anything other then just see other at school, work, etc. I am out to all of these people by the way.

It’s been my vast experience in life that women will only hang out with a man for dating. Sometimes they will have a gay friend, but only if that friend goes shopping with them and constantly compliments them on their looks. Why do you feel you need to hang out with them if you have male friends to keep you company?

[LMcD4120]

7 minutes ago, Just like Jughead said:

It’s been my vast experience in life that women will only hang out with a man for dating. Sometimes they will have a gay friend, but only if that friend goes shopping with them and constantly compliments them on their looks. Why do you feel you need to hang out with them if you have male friends to keep you company?

I think that's a bit too much of a generalisation. 

[oskietje]

On 12/24/2017 at 11:55 AM, Just like Jughead said:

It’s been my vast experience in life that women will only hang out with a man for dating. Sometimes they will have a gay friend, but only if that friend goes shopping with them and constantly compliments them on their looks. Why do you feel you need to hang out with them if you have male friends to keep you company?

I too think this is a bit too much of an generalisation. If you are hanging out with people due to similar interest in activity, it has nothing to do with dating. I've had hundreds of female friends that I hang out with as an adult and none of them have been interested in me to date. Men, on the other hand, I know not of this.