Physical attraction - Do asexuals relate to this experience?

[Rising Sun]

A few weeks ago our marriage therapist asked my wife to envision a line of extremely attractive male models. The therapist asked her to describe them. My wife said things, like "well I'd want to know what they do or what they are about. What are their values." The therapist pushed and said, "no, not their character, just their physical appearance." My wife could not put words to pure physical attraction. This went on for a while but she never did find words to describe a purely physically attractive man. I was expecting 'hot,' 'sexy,' or at least 'handsome' to come out of her mouth but she never found any of those words. This was a defining moment for me.

I realize from spending time here that asexuals have a wide spectrum of attraction and arousal so I don't expect everyone will relate. However, this was really eye opening for me. I have always searched for words of affirmation from my wife. When asked to describe how I know I am attractive, I look for signs or words of attraction in how other people relate to me and obviously my wife is the most important. The fact that she has never complimented me or demonstrated physical desire always left me feeling unattractive. Our therapist asks my wife if she finds me attractive and she says "yes, of course." I call her out as a liar because actions speak louder than words and for 20 years I haven't seen it. I know that you can't make someone desire you but I wanted to get that problem on the table so we could deal with it. The exercise above really served me well to better describe what "attractive" means to my wife and why I wasn't getting that affirmation I so desired. Using the questions above, I know my wife finds me fully attractive because she absolutely affirms daily that she loves who I am in terms of what I do, the father & husband that I am, what I am about, and my values. All this time I felt physically unattractive, it really wasn't me. I am not sure how many other sexuals can relate but that completely changes how I feel about myself and how I relate to my soul-mate.

I am grateful for this website and the people that share their experience here. It has helped me gain acceptance in a way I never envisioned possible.

I totally experience how your wife feels. I can imagine beautiful people, but beautiful doesn't mean attractive to me. They're "attractive" at best in an artistic way, meaning that I may think "I would like to draw or paint them" but apart from that, I don't feel even a trace of the emotions felt by others when they see someone "hot" or "cute". Not to say, I never experienced the crushes other people can feel. Of course, everybody noticed it when I was a teenager. It feels even more strange as most asexuals experience such crushes or at least manage to find other people aesthetically attractive, and I simply don't. Even though I'm a very emotional person (so it's not as if I suffered from a lack of emotions and feelings in general), there is just absolutely no emotion there.

I eventually fell in love twice (both were friends), but both times, it was based on personality. And physical attraction followed as a consequence. It seems that some elements of a person's personality are so important to me that without them, I can't even see the person as attractive at all.

[blondie12]

Well I can only speak for myself on this subject, because everyone is different when it comes to finding someone aesthetically pleasing as approved to being sexually attractive. I'm an Aro Ace, so I really don't find anyone sexually attractive, or a hottie. I tend to find men aesthetically pleasing, but I don't want to be intimate with them. I do tend to look at the inner substance of someone, to see if I find them compatible with me. Such things as, personality, types of hobbies they have, be able to communicate, be like minded, and how the person and I get along together as doing various things. This what I would look for in a potential companion or a platonic relationship.

I love AVEN and I believe it's a good tool in spreading awareness about asexuality. I welcome the prospective insights of a sexual person on this site. I believe both asexuals and sexuals can benefit from the differences we bring to the table.

[Ficulnean]

I'd describe it tautologically. Attractive? Well, about my age and good looking? Good looking . . . no large defomaties. This is odd. . . I know I have a type, but that's only because I've liked very few people as potential romantic partners, so I can just say what they looked like. But, even that doesn't matter much to me.

[Francoise Wang]

I am pretty sure I feel the same physical attraction as sexual people -- except that I have no interest in genitals. But everything else, yeah, I know what "hot" and "sexy" are, I just don't see the point in expressing it with sex or a genital obsession (my own or anyone else's). I don't need to call this attraction "aesthetic" or "romantic" or "sensual," necessarily... I feel fine calling it physical attraction, which may or may not involve romance (hopefully it will). I just express it differently.

I feel exactly the same way as this. So although I identify as heteromantic asexual, I still can't relate with "not feeling physical attraction". I'm pretty curious about what "not being able to feel physical attraction" feels like. I think it would be a good thing because if I were unable to feel physical attraction, physical appearance wouldn't be a important factor when I'm choosing a romantic partner.

[Diceman]

I definitely experience strong physical attraction. For instance I was in Las Vegas last weekend, and as The Worst Asexual Ever I won $500 gambling and decided the best place to spend this money would be the Spearmint Rhino. (A popular gentleman's club). It was a Friday night so they must have had close to 100 girls working the floor, and over the course of the night I chose 3 to bring back to the VIP rooms based solely on physical attraction. It was an amazing night and afterwards when I thought about it, a gentleman's club really is actually one of the most asexual places a guy can go to. You've got beautiful girls surrounding you vying for your affection (ok, your money) however none of them will have sex with you. Perfect!

[teagansk]

I definitely experience strong physical attraction. For instance I was in Las Vegas last weekend, and as The Worst Asexual Ever I won $500 gambling and decided the best place to spend this money would be the Spearmint Rhino. (A popular gentleman's club). It was a Friday night so they must have had close to 100 girls working the floor, and over the course of the night I chose 3 to bring back to the VIP rooms based solely on physical attraction. It was an amazing night and afterwards when I thought about it, a gentleman's club really is actually one of the most asexual places a guy can go to. You've got beautiful girls surrounding you vying for your affection (ok, your money) however none of them will have sex with you. Perfect!

This is confusing to me. I am a sexual and find women to be beautiful, especially when nude. However, gentlemen's clubs freak me out. I can't tell you how uncomfortable they make me. Even when I was completely single. I guess I am demi-sexual in the fact that if there isn't a strong personal connection, I can't get into it. I can be aroused by porn but I think for me the nudity in a strip club gets overshadowed by the weirdness of women walking around naked for money and even more so the men paying for that. I have trouble relating to the enjoyment so it feels very dark. I don't have an issue with other people making those choices but it doesn't work for me.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts though. It is a powerful example for the wide spectrum of experiences.

[Diceman]

This was only my second time at that kind of club, and the first time I went I felt the same way you do. I was so uncomfortable with the whole thing I didn't get a single dance. I just let my friends have fun while I drank. This time, I decided to give the experience more of a fair shot, I felt a little more confident, so I just tried to have as much fun as I could. I'm glad I gave it a second chance, because I had a really great time. Also, the first time I went I had never had a girlfriend before and I didn't want my first experience with a girl to be because I paid her for it. I've had girlfriends since then, and now that I knew girls could like me without being paid to, I felt a lot more comfortable having fun solely because I'm paying for the experience.

[GeorgeSand]

My husband never calls me beautiful, or really compliments me at all.

He has said that he doesn't see any use in it. Telling me wouldn't help me any. I'm not sure if that's his naturally cynical view coming through or if he really believes it or what.

So far, I haven't been able to communicate to him in a way that he understands that, while I don't need it from everyone around me, it hurts very deeply not to have it from him, who I respect so much, and it would actually help me, especially on those rough days everyone has.

He doesn't EVER comment on another person's "hotness". He just doesn't care. He, too, has said that "Of course I find you attractive!" (in therapy or when we almost got divorced and his gates temporarily opened up) but he can't really explain what he means by that.

For what it's worth, I sent him a photo of myself right before going to meet my lover, and he later recalled, "I remember thinking, 'She looks really pretty; I should tell her that,' but something stopped me. I don't know what."

It's somewhat of a load off my shoulders. I don't have to worry how terrible I look around him, for one thing! It's all the same to him. Most of the pictures he's taken of me and liked have nothing to do with how attractive I look at the time, but seem more to do with an expression on my face that reminds him of good things, or something special about me.

[Mangosteen]

This thread has just made me realise that I can't form a mental image of a physically attractive male either, and I would most likely attemp to steer the conversation towards personality too. It's easy for me to notice a pleasant or pretty face when I see one, or spot features such as nicely shaped or coloured eyes, but in my mind, there is no ideal type. It's a blank space. The only thing I can think of is blue eyes, but then I'm only imagining expressive eyes, and that's not much at all.

Have you thought about discussing the matter of asexuality with your wife? An open discussion, however difficult, could help you both.

[Sally]

My ex-partner/now-companion was gorgeous when I first met him. I fell in love first with how he looked and then with who he was. Neither of us realized at the time that my attraction to him wasn't sexual, it was aesthetic. He was like an artwork, and since I like to touch artworks, I liked to touch him (and still do). We are both romantics, and our relationship went on for decades. Neither of us are gorgeous now, but we still have the memory of those years.

[*a*rteest]

Yeah, that's not an asexual thing, that's just a stupidity thing. Not all sexuals are stupid and not all asexuals are smart. Not all sexuals make poor choices of mates and not all asexuals make good ones. What you're talking about is a personality difference... a personality difference you'll see amongst sexuals and asexuals alike.

I wasn't putting acers or sexuals in intellectual-capacity boxes. I was answering the bafflement of the original poster.

i never said all sexuals were stupid and all acers are smart, did I? I shared ONE STORY example of why as myself, a sex-repulsed acer, can find someone very commonly thought of as "hot" or "attractive" not so.

Please don't put words in my posts that aren't there.

[Sammy1991]

When I find a person has good looks I describe it like a art piece or sunset because I can enjoy looking at their face as a work or art.

[Guest]

I tell my boyfriend that he's hot, sexy etc. despite that I believe they're inadequate in explaining the strength of what I feel because I know that is often the best way for him to understand what I mean. There are depressingly few ways to compliment and praise men without becoming verbose.

In a relationship like that, I think both partners just need to figure out the differences in how the express themselves and arrive at a comfortable compromise. Understand that feelings and attraction are innate and not personal - if she's telling she loves you and is attracted to you, she probably means it, even if it's not a love or attraction that's totally aligned with the love and attraction you feel.

[Cleo]

I've never used the words "hot" and "sexy" to describe people, even way before I knew I was asexual. ("knew", I mean, before I could assign a term to my feelings)

I do use words cute, adorable, handsome and good looking, though. I'm in general very aestethically attracted to cuteness. Beautiful eyes, beautiful smile, general cheery disposition, common interests, smarts and sense of humor. It's always been my preference and this general air of cuteness and pleasant personality. I couldn't say what is the "ultimate" of aestethical attraction for me. I always say "whole package". and "I know, when I see". Though sometimes I think that maybe a part of why I'm so attracted to cuteness is cause it feels I have more chances of making a friendship out of it and not worrying about them thinking of me sexually? Gosh, I'm strange, I know. Because that sounds like I'm judging people on their looks. Which I partly am, as most people do.

[Autumn Season]

Yeah, I can feel aesthetic and sensual attraction. ^^ Meaning that when I see somebody, I will find them attractive. I will never think "they're hot" though.

I tried to tell my friends once before discovering I'm an ace and the different forms of attraction, that even with men I liked to look at I didn't want to make out. I told them "even though he was hot". Then I thought twice and wondered what exactly it was about him that I could call "hot" (or "sexy") and I realized, that those words feel really wrong to describe what I mean. Now I know that I was talking about sensual attraction. It was a man I felt the urge to look at and touch. Nothing more than that. I still don't know how to describe such people with normal vocabulary.

[allrightalready]

at least i am not alone, if find it strange when people talk about attraction and all they mention is body parts. for me the single most important thing is honesty and then things like compassion and conversation. unless someone is a whole person i get nothing from it