Want To Be There For Significant Other

[Celadon]

Firstly, if I say anything untoward please know that it isn't intentional, but instead would be from a place of ignorance instead of contention. This is all a bit new for me, and I only wish to understand this. I am very happy to have found this resource and I hope to be enriched by it.

I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman and have spent six amazing months with her. I cannot recall any time in my life where I have been happier and I love her unlike anyone or anything I have loved before.

Currently my girlfriend is struggling profoundly with her sexuality. Admittedly, it is a very complicated thing with a lot of factors built into it. She is thinking that it is possible that she is asexual and she doesn't want that to be a point of contention between us later (I am a sexual person). While she has said that there is a lot of internal work and introspection that she needs to do to resolve this for herself, asexuality has been floated as a possibility.

I want and intend to be here for her no matter what. I do enjoy sex but it isn't anywhere near the most important thing in this relationship for me (and honestly I enjoy cuddling way more than anything else physical).

I do have some questions that I hope you can answer for me.

1) My girlfriend has admitted to fantasizing about me before in various ways and she very much loves to cuddle, but when it comes to actual actions being taken she is far less comfortable. Would it be wrong of me to think that, like with many other things regarding people, asexuality is more of a gradient than a binary thing? If she fantasizes and enjoys certain forms of physical contact does that not make her strictly asexual, or is there more to the story here that I do not yet know?

2) My girlfriend is trans (as am I). She has been in sexual relationships before but not as who she was supposed to be, and I am the first person who she has been in a relationship with as female. Having been in such relationships before in the wrong context has left her with what she describes as "baggage" which she is wrestling with internally. There are also anatomical issues that she is working out and there are general dysphoria things that she struggles with. Is it possible that this may explain a reluctance to engage in sexual things instead of asexuality?

3) How can I show her that I am there for her and want to be here no matter what? I don't want to try and push her in any one direction (be it towards sexuality or towards asexuality). This is a path only she can walk, but I want to be there to help with the journey in any way I can. Is there any way I can help her navigate this as a companion and observer? How can I reassure her that I am not going anywhere? I can do without sex as long as cuddling and other gentle forms of intimacy are present. I want to be her biggest ally and anything I can do to demonstrate that to her would be very welcome.

Thank you for reading through all of that and putting up with possible ignorance on my part. I do hope that this place can be helpful so I can make things easier for her and so that she may hopefully discover who she is.

[Lady Girl]

It's hard for me to answer your questions about how you can be more supportive, since from your post, it sounds like you are already fully supportive, sensitive to her needs, and aware that she needs to make certain discoveries for herself. :)

[Guest]

Dysphoria can make people uncomfortable with the acts, only she can decide whether it is that or lack of sexual attraction and / or lack of desire. As for how to reassure her, just be honest and talk. Tell her how you feel. And yes, sexuality is a spectrum. She could be grey-a, demi, asexual, etc. She'll have to figure out how she feels and it may take time. Being patient and there is about all you can do to be supportive in this and it seems like you're already doing that. :)