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Concerns About Wife


Cameron1313

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If an asexual doesn't really feel sexually attracted to you, and doesn't really like sex, why then would they be opposed to you having sex

with other people to get your needs met? That seems to crop up in these boards, at least from what I've read, but no one addresses it:

If you don't like sex and don't feel sexual attraction, why do you expect your partner to be monogamous with you?

Why does my partner expect me to not go cuddling with another guy, when he doesn't like cuddling?

Why does a sexual person expect their partner to not go have anal sex with someone else, if they do not like anal sex?

Why does my cousin expect his wife to remain monogamous, when he's not interested in sex toys and she is?

Why would someone with a person into BDSM expect monogamy, if they weren't really into that?

We could apply that to MANY mismatches. Fact is, in monogamy, it isn't "you meet my needs 100% or I get them met elsewhere" - or NO ONE would be monogamous. NO ONE meets another person's needs 100%. There is always something you give up because the other person doesn't like it, if you want to be monogamous. What of those things are deal breakers is the part where compatibility comes in.

Not wanting something doesn't mean you don't care about it. An asexual understands very well how important, bonding and intimate sex can be to sexuals. Just like my partner understands how intimate cuddling is to me. Just because HE doesn't enjoy it, doesn't mean he wants me to have that sort of connection with another person. If it was a deal breaker for me to not cuddle, then we would break up, not me go do what he considers cheating and go "Well, you wouldn't give it to me, so I got it elsewhere. Deal with it. You shouldn't care anyway." ... that's not how an exclusive relationship works (hurting him because I couldn't just say " I need this, so I need to find someone else" would be very cruel imo). It makes me sad, I feel lonely sometimes and I go days where I just REALLY want it and I kinda avoid him until I can get it out of my system in order to not take it out on him... but that's on me, not him. He doesn't like it. I do. That is all there is to it. Just like if I could not have sex, it would be something he had to decide if he could live without, or leave me (which, we've already decided it would be we break up if I ever feel I cannot do it anymore).

If you do not want to be monogamous, tell her. If you cannot live without sex, tell her. If this is something you two cannot work out, go your separate ways so you can each find someone that makes you happy. She may be OK with an open relationship, she might not. You can't know without talking about it. But, if she isn't, cheating is not justified just because she doesn't want what you want. Or else, all cheating is justified, because there is always something a person wants that the other person cannot provide.

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If an asexual doesn't really feel sexually attracted to you, and doesn't really like sex, why then would they be opposed to you having sex

with other people to get your needs met? That seems to crop up in these boards, at least from what I've read, but no one addresses it:

If you don't like sex and don't feel sexual attraction, why do you expect your partner to be monogamous with you?

Serran pretty much hit the nail on the head here. Just because a person doesn't really like sex themselves, doesn't mean they'd be comfortable with their partner going off and having sex with other people. Especially since there's the intimacy of sex that you're likely craving as well. If I wasn't ok with an open relationship, I would expect my partner to either be monogamous or break up with me. There's no shame in breaking up with me if I can't make the person happy, so long as they're not going to attack me for it. Would you be ok with your wife going out and doing things with another man that could be interpreted as romantic just because you don't like to do them yourself? Probably not.

I personally would be ok with the concept of an open relationship, but that's a personal thing. I'm not the type to get jealous, and if they should find someone they like more and choose them over me, then I'd be sad but hey they're with someone who makes them happier. This however, is a stance I've taken only after years of learning to get used to not being right for people. I didn't start out this way and there was a lot of bitterness before getting to this point of just figuring I'll be happy so long as they're happy even if it's not with me.

We'd expect our partners to remain loyal within our comfort because we're people too. If you want to bring up an open relationship and that's fine with her, that's great. You're not the bad guy if you leave, but you're kind of a jerk if you act like it's her fault for expecting some basic levels of respect or loyalty because of something she can't help and probably DOESN'T EVEN KNOW.

I think you keep forgetting, she probably doesn't realize she's asexual and probably has no idea what you're going through or why it's a big deal. You can sit here and wonder how she could do this do you all you want, but unless she actually realizes the way she feels is in fact not the norm and takes some initiative to understand where you are coming from, and you her, then you're not going to get anywhere at all. If you never want to bring it up, expect to either leave your relationship or suck it up since it will never change.

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Baskervillain

well Cameron1313 you need to realize that all of these feelings of not being desired in certain ways are your own projections on how you think your wife feels about you. Unless you have an expectation of the actions one must go through to fulfill these concepts but then again these are due to your own insecurities. The only solution is honest discussion between the two of you and serious evaluation of your relationship.

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If you do not want to be monogamous, tell her. If you cannot live without sex, tell her. If this is something you two cannot work out, go your separate ways so you can each find someone that makes you happy. She may be OK with an open relationship, she might not. You can't know without talking about it. But, if she isn't, cheating is not justified just because she doesn't want what you want. Or else, all cheating is justified, because there is always something a person wants that the other person cannot provide.

^^this.

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Cameron1313

Folks, sex is a vital part of marriage and relationships. It's what sets you apart from being "just friends" or roommates. It is the single factor that designates

things as a real relationship, not friendship. Obviously, no partner can meet your sexual needs 100% (and that was a completely unnecessary and somewhat condescending comment);

nevertheless, what I am talking about here are what anyone would consider base-level intimacy in any relationship that happens beyond 8th grade. I don't expect anyone to meet my sexual needs 100%; but when

we're talking about a lack of rudimentary physical intimacy, combined with the knowledge of your partner's distaste or disgust with even those such things, and then having your partner expect you to go without it and remain happily monogamous is unreasonable expectations, in my opinion. Many people will say "sex isn't everything in a relationship." True, but try telling that to the person who isn't getting any. I'm sorry, but to be honest, reading comments along the lines of "I'm getting used to being celibate; it's not as bad as I thought" are pretty chilling, to say the least.

I have heard your comments; I'm sorry I can't accept all of them.

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Folks, sex is a vital part of marriage and relationships. It's what sets you apart from being "just friends" or roommates. It is the single factor that designates things as a real relationship, not friendship.

If sex is all that a relationship is "designated" by, that relationship is incredibly lacking to me :/

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Cameron1313

Folks, sex is a vital part of marriage and relationships. It's what sets you apart from being "just friends" or roommates. It is the single factor that designates things as a real relationship, not friendship.

If sex is all that a relationship is "designated" by, that relationship is incredibly lacking to me :/

I never said that sex is ALL that makes a relationship a relationship, but it IS the one factor that sets it apart from being platonic.

It's often said that when sex is present in a relationship, it's 10% of what makes the relationship good; when sex is absent, it's

90% of the problem.

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If an asexual doesn't really feel sexually attracted to you, and doesn't really like sex, why then would they be opposed to you having sex with other people to get your needs met?

Just because it isn't important to *us* doesn't mean we can't see that it's important to other people. Having the partner express that sort of vulnerability and intimacy with other people can still leave us feeling like our relationships are being threatened.

I think putting yourself in the same boat with aromantics is stretching it. An aromantic asking their partner to be exclusive is indeed.. odd. It's like your best friend asking you that. I can see it being possible, but generally there's genuinely not much of a reason for it.

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Folks, sex is a vital part of marriage and relationships. It's what sets you apart from being "just friends" or roommates. It is the single factor that designates

things as a real relationship, not friendship. Obviously, no partner can meet your sexual needs 100% (and that was a completely unnecessary and somewhat condescending comment);

nevertheless, what I am talking about here are what anyone would consider base-level intimacy in any relationship that happens beyond 8th grade. I don't expect anyone to meet my sexual needs 100%; but when

we're talking about a lack of rudimentary physical intimacy, combined with the knowledge of your partner's distaste or disgust with even those such things, and then having your partner expect you to go without it and remain happily monogamous is unreasonable expectations, in my opinion. Many people will say "sex isn't everything in a relationship." True, but try telling that to the person who isn't getting any. I'm sorry, but to be honest, reading comments along the lines of "I'm getting used to being celibate; it's not as bad as I thought" are pretty chilling, to say the least.

I have heard your comments; I'm sorry I can't accept all of them.

Sex is a vital part of SOME relationships. We are not all sexual, which should have been evident since you're on AVEN, a site primarily for asexuals. I've had two close, emotionally-intimate, partner-type relationships in my life and I could have very happily gone without the sexual aspect. If that had been absent, they would not have been "friends", they would have been intimate partners in exactly the same way. I know the difference between a friendship and a relationship.

You need not accept our comments. But there will be a time when you must make a decision for yourself about what you are going to do. Making derogatory statements about what decisions others have reached will not help you in doing that work.

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Hooded_Crow

Are you worried that your wife isn't in love with you? I'm just asking because of your feeling that without sex it's like you're "just friends".

Do you guys still share emotionally intimate moments when you laugh together. Does it feel like you're a couple in love, when you set the sex and snuggle problems aside?

Just a thought. I wonder if your marriage is in trouble besides the sex thing. If not, then I'd say it does sound like your wife is asexual.

You guys need to talk, as everyone said >_> but I'd like to reiterate the fact that she may be going through some stuff of her own, feeling inadequate for not making you feel loved the way you want to. Just remember that this will be a difficult thing to navigate for the both of you.

As for the reason why an asexual wouldn't want you sleeping with someone else, well as Serran said, if you wanted anal sex and your wife didn't want it, I'm sure you wouldn't think it's okay for you to just go do it with someone else >_>

And as my loving partn... I mean "just friend" Philip027 said, we can feel that it's intimate and that you do something highly intimate with someone else. And it hurts.

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Folks, sex is a vital part of marriage and relationships. It's what sets you apart from being "just friends" or roommates. It is the single factor that designates

things as a real relationship, not friendship. Obviously, no partner can meet your sexual needs 100% (and that was a completely unnecessary and somewhat condescending comment);

nevertheless, what I am talking about here are what anyone would consider base-level intimacy in any relationship that happens beyond 8th grade. I don't expect anyone to meet my sexual needs 100%; but when

we're talking about a lack of rudimentary physical intimacy, combined with the knowledge of your partner's distaste or disgust with even those such things, and then having your partner expect you to go without it and remain happily monogamous is unreasonable expectations, in my opinion. Many people will say "sex isn't everything in a relationship." True, but try telling that to the person who isn't getting any. I'm sorry, but to be honest, reading comments along the lines of "I'm getting used to being celibate; it's not as bad as I thought" are pretty chilling, to say the least.

I have heard your comments; I'm sorry I can't accept all of them.

All of this only applies to you. People are DIFFERENT. To YOU sex is a vital part of a relationship. To YOU it is what sets you apart from being "just friends". Other people do not require sex for romantic, fulfilling relationships, your wife may very well be one of them. And that is, as I said, where COMPATIBILITY comes in. YOU need to tell your wife that YOU need sex. And you missed the entire point of my post, obviously. I wasn't saying people meet each others SEXUAL needs 100%, but there are NEEDS, period, that people do not meet. Some people will be fine without sex, but lack of kissing and other physical intimacy is a deal breaker. Some people can have all the sex they want, but a lack of emotional openness is a deal breaker. What is a deal breaker varies by person and that is something YOU need to decide and tell her. What is a deal breaker to one, might just be a small hiccup to another, or an endearing quality to yet another. All this is, is you two being incompatible. Just like any other incompatibility. My ex cannot be happy/fulfilled in a relationship without BDSM, he doesn't like sex without it. So, for example, a vanilla sex partner would be a deal breaker to him, even if she gave him sex daily, but it would still be wrong for him to cheat on her just because she can't make him sexually satisfied. To some asexuals, a partner that wants sex at all is a deal breaker, but cheating again would not be justified because their partner makes them unhappy. People are just so different in their needs, human diversity and it doesn't put them in the wrong for being different. You need to decide if this incompatibility is a deal breaker.

Expecting monogamy at any point is not unfair, or unreasonable (as long as that is the agreed upon relationship arrangement, which I am guessing is what you two agreed on going in and if you want to change them, she should know). No matter what your boundaries are. However, expecting the person to stay when unhappy IS. So, if you are unhappy and NEED something she cannot provide, then TELL HER. And possibly break up. She does not OWE you sex and when someone cannot provide you with something you need, it is not fair to cheat on them and break relationship agreements. Period. I do not consider it a part of romantic relationships for myself, either. Just like I consider cuddling and other non-sexual affection a basic part of a romantic relationship, yet my partner doesn't. People are different with different needs. That's all.

You needing sex is not bad, or shameful, or unreasonable. You expecting a person who does not want it to give it to you just because you need it would be. Her needing to not have sex (if that is her need, you need to talk to her to figure this out) and needing monogamy (which, again, you won't know til you talk to her, she could be open to opening it up) is not bad, unreasonable, or shameful. Her expecting you to stay together and be unhappy if there is no middle ground and don't want to be together would be.

No one is saying you have to stay and be celibate if that is not what you want. You are completely, 100%, free to leave if she is unwilling to compromise on the sex issue with you (either through open relationship, poly, or having sex herself). We will support you if you decide you can't handle being in a relationship with a woman who cannot have sex with you. That's perfectly, totally, 100% OK! Suggesting a compromise that involves an open relationship we will support you in as well, it's OK to state your own needs. Cheating would not be anymore OK than anyone else cheating though and that you're going to have trouble finding any support for the idea.

Ideally, asexuals should tell people up front sex is off the table. But, sadly, many of us do not even know that until we're already in the relationships. When I started relationships, I found out sex was "meh", but I was told it was just that I needed to experiment more and find what I liked. So, I did. And that wasn't helping. So, I was told to think outside the box, try BDSM and fetishes, maybe I needed a kink. So, I did, nada. Then I was told my partners were just bad, or I didn't love them enough, etc etc. So, I kept trying and trying, being assured every which way I went that I would like sex if I just figured out how I liked it. That I would be wanting it once I did. I even told my current partner before we got together that I had issues with being interested in sex, his response? It was because I was dating boys with no experience and it wouldn't be an issue for us, as he'd been with lots of women and knew more about it. He brushed it off instead of listening. And when I did finally get so fed up with sex in our relationship, I stumbled on AVEN. And it took months to figure out where that left us sex wise. And we still don't have it down perfectly...there are times I feel absolutely awful over having to have sex, there are times he feels awful over not getting it enough. But, we're talking and working on it. That's all you can do, short of breaking up. Which, as I said, if I ever feel I CANNOT have sex anymore we've agreed to split. He's not wrong to want it, I am not wrong to not want it. We're just different. And playing the blame game over things neither can control is just completely unhealthy.

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Endless literature all about what I'm supposed to do, consider, think about, be aware of, while trying to have a sexual relationship with someone who really isn't interested in sex. The more I read, the more it sounds like a no-win situation. I am hurting from not feeling desired, from not knowing partner is taking real pleasure in sex.

I understand this feeling and struggle with it as well. A lot.

I'm just supposed to get used to the idea of having sex with someone who doesn't like sex. I'm just supposed to deal with it. It's all up me. I have to do all the talking, all the bringing up, all the adjusting, all the doing without, and all the suffering, while they're just happy as a clam having sex three times a year. Yes, I'm complaining. Maybe it's because I'm just finding out about all this. But there is something inherently unfair in being with someone who condemns you to a life of near-celibacy, and expects you to remain monogamous with them, and if I can't go along with it, then I'm the one who gets vilified for not being patient and understanding enough???

I understand the frustration. I have felt the same. Your feelings are perfectly understandable. I have been there. However, and I can't stress this enough, talk with your wife. Talk with her in a kind and gentle manner. Talk with her! The more time you spend in your head and the less time you spend talking with her, the more your frustration will grow and the more you will feel hopeless and helpless. The truth is you might not be in a hopeless situation at all but you won't know until you can both get to a very clear understanding on what is going on with the other person. If you don't think you can do that without expressing your deep frustration then simply state that you are not happy and would like to see a therapist together. Talk!

The big question for me is whether your wife is truly asexual and completely unable to find enjoyment in sex, ever. If so, that might justify your comments about being celibate but it doesn't seem like that is a foregone conclusion. She might be grey-asexual and able to find enjoyment in sex. If that was the case, your frustration is likely shutting down any chance you have of finding common ground. Give her a chance to speak her mind. Help her feel comfortable. You will have your time to vent but not until the two of you better understand each other and she is able to listen without taking it personally. If there are times that she finds joy in sex, start working on understanding what environment allows her to feel enjoyment. If you are willing to be patient and have some faith in your marriage and your wife does find enjoyment in sex, you might be able to have sex a lot more often with a much higher level of mutual enjoyment. It probably start with her feeling zero pressure. I know that sucks but it is what it is. While I also have a deep desire for sex that more often than not goes unfilled and I would love nothing more to see my wife selfishly desire me physically, I have accepted that this won't be there. Still, I can honestly say my marriage and overall happiness is far better than many of my close married friends that have sex often. It is a 1000 times better than when I was in the same position you were 10 years ago. I still hate not feeling like I am desired or knowing that my wife may never share the same passion I feel. However, I also know I could have it a lot worse and I wouldn't given up everything else I love about having her in my life. Focus first on seeing what improvement from where you are might look like.

Don't throw in the towel until you have given yourself the best chance to work through it. You probably have no idea what might be possible in terms of satisfaction. Be a little more patient with yourself and your wife. Try not to have any expectations. It can certainly get better than where you currently are. It takes time but it all starts with conversation.

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Hooded_Crow

I totally agree with what Serran just said. Not quoting because it was quite long, but yeah, right on!

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Folks, sex is a vital part of marriage and relationships. It's what sets you apart from being "just friends" or roommates. It is the single factor that designates

things as a real relationship, not friendship.

For you. Please do not assert your personal ideals for a relationship as the end-all be-all and assume that without sex there can be no romantic feelings or anything at all to seperate someone you love vs. a roommate. If it's vital for you that's great. What's not great is you coming in here and telling everyone that "well since you don't like sex you're all incapable of romance or relationships and you'll only ever just have very close room-mates since the only difference is sex." I don't mind you having issues with your wife being ace but don't go spouting that shit here.

If you're not going to try to talk to your wife because apparently that's SUCH a burden on you to have to bring up, then like I said, don't expect anything to change. Just whine forever about how hard it is or break up since it's apparently too much for you to work on. Sorry your wife is such a burden. Just don't go thinking what YOU need is the ideal for all relationships ever and because sex is important to you, it's the sole thing that makes a relationship romantic.

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I think putting yourself in the same boat with aromantics is stretching it. An aromantic asking their partner to be exclusive is indeed.. odd. It's like your best friend asking you that. I can see it being possible, but generally there's genuinely not much of a reason for it.

I wasn't thinking of aromantics at all when I made my post (even though I wasn't necessarily ruling them out). I'm not sure I'm understanding what you mean. :blink:

Note that aromantics are just as capable of being in romantic relationships, as much as asexuals are capable of being in sexual relationships.

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If an asexual doesn't really feel sexually attracted to you, and doesn't really like sex, why then would they be opposed to you having sex with other people to get your needs met?

Just because it isn't important to *us* doesn't mean we can't see that it's important to other people. Having the partner express that sort of vulnerability and intimacy with other people can still leave us feeling like our relationships are being threatened.

I think putting yourself in the same boat with aromantics is stretching it. An aromantic asking their partner to be exclusive is indeed.. odd. It's like your best friend asking you that. I can see it being possible, but generally there's genuinely not much of a reason for it.

I think you may have misread Phillip's comment?

He was saying that just because sex isn't important to an asexual, doesn't mean we don't know how important it is to sexual people. We aren't just going to be fine with our romantic partner going out and expressing physical vulnerability and deep emotional intimacy (through sex) with another person, regardless of whether or not we are able to provide that sex ourselves. Sure some asexual partners are fine with their sexual partner having sex with other people, many are not. We know that for our sexual partner, sex is a deeply intimate and personal act, we don't want them going out and sharing those levels of deep intimacy with another person if we are in a monogamous relationship. For many sexual people, sex isn't just about the physical act of sex, it's about that deep emotional intimacy that comes with being so physically close, so vulnerable, with another person.. an asexual partner (often) isn't just going to be like ''well I personally don't feel that deep emotional intimacy that you feel from sex, I personally don't enjoy the sex at all and it's really a pretty horrid experience for me, however I understand that you feel deep personal intimacy and emotional connection through sex, so sure, go fuck anyone and experience those deep levels of intimacy with someone other than me, have fun'' ... it just doesn't work like that.

Also just as a side-note, many asexual people still desire those very deep levels of intimacy with our partner, we just desire it through ways other than sex (I know for me, sex actually drives a rift into emotional and physical intimacy instead of enhancing that intimacy)

And yes, aromantics are fully capable of intimate relationships and can still desire physical, sexual and emotional monogamy from their partner too.

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Folks, sex is a vital part of marriage and relationships. It's what sets you apart from being "just friends" or roommates. It is the single factor that designates

things as a real relationship, not friendship.

As others have mentioned...this is how it is for you. It's not a rule. I definitely think of my husband as much more than a friend, by a long shot.

I'm sorry, but to be honest, reading comments along the lines of "I'm getting used to being celibate; it's not as bad as I thought" are pretty chilling, to say the least.

I have heard your comments; I'm sorry I can't accept all of them.

It's not something you have to do. I personally don't think that "I'm getting used to it." I decided to give it a try and was surprised that I'm very content and happy. You don't have to accept this, but it's true anyway (and not really that chilling).

Bottom line, what works for some doesn't work for everyone and I'm really sorry you're faced with making some kind of decision regarding your happiness in your relationship.

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Cameron

Believe me when I say that you're not the only one. I too get extremely frustrated to the point of tears. Not just from the need for physical affection - but also from the feeling that this life my girl and I lead together is just hugely unfair. We are a great couple - she loves me and I have never doubted that love - not for a minute. But I also know she has no physical attraction to me. None. Once a year if I'm really lucky and mostly one way - she rarely touches me for any reason- certainly not for any sexual reason. I haven't figured out the answer to the frustration - we just had our 5th anniversary- but I'm not quite ready to give up yet- almost but not yet. I spend a lot of time snuggling with my dog and try mostly to find something to do when I start to get that urge. Sometimes it helps most times it doesn't. Hang in there bud- I feel your pain

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Her replies are always along the lines of

"Can't you just wait?", when I've been waiting 2-3 months at a time. She seems very surprised that it isn't perfectly OK to go four months with no intimacy. She appears confused or surprised that anyone can be turned on to the point of feeling uninhibited. She cannot reciprocate so many things. She does not come to me for affection. Does not snuggle.

Sex was there in quantity early on, and took a nosedive after child was born. I have not been french kissed in over seven years - she just stopped it with no announcement;

... She has no desire to kiss my body or my neck or touch me below the waist. To her this is perfectly normal. She allows me to do it to her but is almost entirely passive and I get no verbal "niceties" from her when I do it, i.e. "that feels good" etc.

... She provides so much in every other area, and we are very good at running a household. Then sometimes there are moments

when I realize how desperate I am to feel desired and it hits hard. I just want her to take what she wants with me, but she doesn't seem to want very much of anything at all. She just kind of lays there and lets

... she's just fulfilling her marital obligation.

This post makes me wonder if your wife might be depressed. As others said, many things can impact a woman's libido. I know that the focus on this forum is asexuality, and of course it sounds like a possibility, but I'm not sure you should pigeon-hole it, just yet. Even as an asexual, I can tell how much depression impacts my libido. As I am manic-depressive, it is not all the time, so it is easier for me to tell.

When you said that the intimacy stopped after the child was born, that indicated to me that she could have postpartum depression that was never treated. This could explain the lack of other kinds of physical attention, as well.

It sounds like you've expressed to her how important this is to you, but she has kind of shrugged it off. I do think you need to keep pursuing that conversation. Unlike what many have said here, it does NOT need to be an ultimatum. Tell her that you're worried about her, and you don't understand why she doesn't want sex like other people do. She needs to understand that it is different and ask her why she was intimate with you before but not anymore. If she doesn't know, perhaps you could seek counseling. Please, please do not give up on this. Your needs are important.

By the way, I noticed that some of you are encouraging Cameron1313 to "break up" or "end the relationship." Please do not treat his marriage as a temporary relationship like you would if he joined this forum as a high school student who was concerned about his girlfriend. This is serious. They have at least 1 child, and divorce could ruin that child's life. Do not be so hasty.

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As a child of divorced parents, no, divorce of unhappy parents does NOT ruin a child's life. It helps that child. Having two parents who are unhappy and can't get along ruins a child's life, because they stay "for the child". My parents were incompatible, a large part of it was sex. My mom hates it and would suffer through because she felt it was an obligation in order to be with someone. They fought, when they weren't fighting there was obvious tension and it was totally miserable to be the kid in their house. And it took YEARS after I grew up to figure out what a healthy relationship even was, because that was my role model growing up. They stayed together until I was 15, miserable, "for the kids". When they finally did divorce, my state requires all kids under 18 to go to a "divorce class" to learn to cope. Out of all the kids in that class when I went (probably around 20), only one was upset about the split. The rest were like "It's about time. They hate each other. I'm glad they're splitting up!" and we played basketball with the papers about depression and "coping" with parents splitting and discussed how awesome it would be to get away from the stress, tension and fighting that comes with an unhappy parental unit. "Hiding it" from the kids is an illusion adults tell themselves they can work, kids aren't that dumb and they can tell. Yes, some children can be upset over the split. But, they get over it and adjust. And if their parents are HAPPY, they end up being better parents.

My relationship is going on 10 years. We are married. Our lives are pretty intertwined. However, a break up was agreed upon as the reasonable course of action if I could ever not meet his needs. And he agreed it was a reasonable course of action if I was ever too unhappy in trying. No relationship is something you should stay in if you are unhappy and there is no middle ground, regardless of how long it's been. You CAN break up with more than just your HS boyfriend if you end up unhappy in the relationship. No one is saying just break up with no talking. But, TALK, then if no middle ground can be had, break up. There is no point in trying to force something that will make both people miserable, or force one person to be miserable so the other can be happy. If the wife can't be happy with some sort of compromise and the OP cannot be happy with no sex, then there is no point in sacrificing their lives. Especially since I can tell you first hand, it will just mess that kid up having their first relationship role model be "Be miserable, but be together, it's better than being alone" ...

As for having sex then not - a lot of asexuals begin a relationship with sex because it's easier when a relationship is new. Then, as the years go on, it gets difficult (especially when you begin adding stress to life, like a child demanding your time/attention). And if you have no idea what is going on, all you know is "This is weighing me down and stressing me out", because not wanting/liking sex isn't something that gets discussed. When I began my relationship with my partner, I told him I had some difficulties with interest in sex. He brushed it off. So, I just went along with what he wanted. And sometimes that was sex SEVEN times a day. And for years I just went along with it, as that was the duty you do being in a relationship (I ended up following my moms footsteps and doing my "duty" like she did...) until I just couldn't do it anymore. I was crying after sex, hating myself and absolutely miserable. And then we stopped having it and he was miserable. That's what made me end up googling how to "fix" myself and I stumbled onto AVEN. Yes, sometimes lack of libido can be a sign of an illness. But, if the wife isn't upset by this lack and finds it a good thing instead, she shouldn't seek treatment for it (which, again, talking is needed to discover exactly how she feels about that). Though, obviously, if there is anything medically wrong, she should seek treatment as it can be a symptom of serious illnesses.

Of COURSE talk first. Everyone has said talk. Because talking is the only thing that can possibly come up with any solution. But, just because it's a long relationship with an intertwined life doesn't mean the OP HAS to stay if nothing comes of the talks and he's miserable. They both need to take a long, hard look at what they NEED in a relationship and then a long, hard look at where their relationship is. And decide if there is any sort of middle ground to be had. Honestly stating feelings and needs is about the only way to come up with a compromise. "I need sex, it's OK if you cannot provide it, but I can't live my life without it. Where does that leave us?" and such.

The reason we make sure people know it's OK to break up is because people come in going "I am miserable, we've tried everything, even therapy. I am married though, so I can't leave." Some have even discussed feeling suicidal over it. And yet they feel tied down due to the marriage thing, like marriage is something that is unbreakable. But, even Catholics can get divorced if the marriage lacks sex, it's in their rule book as an exception. You aren't tied down to a life of misery if you've tried and can't make it work. Obviously, it sucks to lose a long term marriage. But, in the end, it's better than being so miserable you hate your life because you are missing something you consider vital to your mental health. Some have said they felt ashamed leaving over sex, because sex isn't supposed to be that important and they feel like awful people. They aren't. There is nothing to be ashamed of for being sexual and needing sex. So, yes, I prefer to make sure people know it's totally OK to leave if they can't find any way of making it work. There is no rule that says you have to stay and hate your life just because you put a ring on your finger.

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By the way, I noticed that some of you are encouraging Cameron1313 to "break up" or "end the relationship." Please do not treat his marriage as a temporary relationship like you would if he joined this forum as a high school student who was concerned about his girlfriend. This is serious. They have at least 1 child, and divorce could ruin that child's life. Do not be so hasty.

Speaking as someone whose parents were divorced and was actually *happy* about it, maintaining an irreconcilable relationship for the sake of the kid is almost always a bad move.

Yes, you shouldn't just bail out at the first sign of trouble, but nor should breakups be dismissed entirely.

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By the way, I noticed that some of you are encouraging Cameron1313 to "break up" or "end the relationship." Please do not treat his marriage as a temporary relationship like you would if he joined this forum as a high school student who was concerned about his girlfriend. This is serious. They have at least 1 child, and divorce could ruin that child's life. Do not be so hasty.

I haven't noticed that anyone's doing that. What we have said is that that Cameron should consider seriously whether this relationship is working for him. And divorce is unlikely to ruin a child's life. On the contrary, children pick up on the atmosphere in whatever home they're living in, and if the parents are unhappy with each other, the child will definitely notice that.

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Cameron1313

To clarify a few things: I've said it several times here, but the problem is I feel loved, I know I am loved, but I don't feel desired sexually.

I've also said that in every other aspect of our marriage, we get along just fine. We run a very efficient household; we don't fight over stupid things or pick on each other.

I am not considering divorce as an option. It's too easy to say in an online forum "just break up." It doesn't work that way when you're married. You're not supposed to just split at the first sign of trouble.

You're supposed to stick with it and try to work it out.

You know, to this day I have no idea what, if anything, turns my wife on. I've asked her to, even in the act, and she had no real answer. Just vague mumbling like "oh, I don't know. This is fine."

No she is not depressed and does not suffer from depression. I think she just has a low libido and little interest in sexual things. She is not interested at all in pursuing her own pleasure in this area.

The interest is just not there.

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It's possible she doesn't enjoy it, that's why she has no answer about what she likes. Telling someone when they ask if you like something "No, I don't like anything" isn't something they want to hear. Guilt and fear can lead to just not mentioning it. Especially if you have no desire for your own pleasure, so you wouldn't be gaining an awesome experience in bed, like a person that wants a good orgasm so tells their partner they dislike that, but want this other thing.

And again, none of us said don't try to work it out. We all said talk to her about your needs and what her boundaries are. But, if you actually need to feel desired, if she is asexual, that is one thing she will not be able to provide. Even if she can provide sex, you're going to know that it's not out of her own desire (if she is asexual, obviously the discussions needs to be had first...). The only reason compromise works with my partner is because he doesn't care if I just lay there bored for 40 minutes and don't like any of the stuff he does to me. As long as the action is done, that works for him. But, not everyone can be OK with that. And not every asexual can handle sex, either.

For getting a compromise set, it took about 3 months of talking. And talking. And talking. And the first one didn't work, so we revisited. The second one didn't work, so we revisited. Both were because of him not feeling like it was enough. Now, the third is wearing on me cause it's TOO MUCH and we might need to revisit again soon. If you do manage to get a compromise set up, don't expect it to be adhered to 100%. It's a long process of figuring out what works. But, if you can get one that works, that would be great. :)

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To clarify a few things: I've said it several times here, but the problem is I feel loved, I know I am loved, but I don't feel desired sexually....

She is not interested at all in pursuing her own pleasure in this area.

The interest is just not there.

You are not desired sexually because she doesn't feel anything sexually. It's not that she doesn't want to pursue her own pleasure; it's that she doesn't find pleasure in sex.

That's her, not you. That's who she is. If you want to stay in the marriage, you may have to face that fact, or you'll be constantly frustrated emotionally as well as physically.

It really sounds like you want a solution that isn't going to happen. Her turning into a different person is as unlikely as you turning into someone who doesn't desire sex.

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To clarify a few things: I've said it several times here, but the problem is I feel loved, I know I am loved, but I don't feel desired sexually.

I've also said that in every other aspect of our marriage, we get along just fine. We run a very efficient household; we don't fight over stupid things or pick on each other.

I am not considering divorce as an option. It's too easy to say in an online forum "just break up." It doesn't work that way when you're married. You're not supposed to just split at the first sign of trouble.

You're supposed to stick with it and try to work it out.

You know, to this day I have no idea what, if anything, turns my wife on. I've asked her to, even in the act, and she had no real answer. Just vague mumbling like "oh, I don't know. This is fine."

No she is not depressed and does not suffer from depression. I think she just has a low libido and little interest in sexual things. She is not interested at all in pursuing her own pleasure in this area.

The interest is just not there.

Nobody came here and said "Oh she might be ace? I guess you should break up!" You just came here for advice, promptly rejected all advice and refused to bring it up to her at all, and then wondered why people said either live with it or end it because you're not going to get any change by refusing to even bring it up. What did you come here to hear? You've rejected everything people have told you so far and there's not much else left to say. Did you want us to tell you how to magically turn your wife sexual? Did you want us to go "You're right! Sex is what makes a relationship and we've realized that we should all stop being asexual! We'll let your wife know!" If you're so determined to stick it out, you might want to find something more productive than insisting that sex is necessary for a relationship and you shouldn't have to compromise because that's not fair to you and then waiting to see if that suddenly changes your wife's lack of desire.

Yeah, it's fucking hard being in a mixed relationship if that's what this is (since we don't even know since you haven't asked her). It takes work on both sides, hers and yours, if you want it to work. There is no "That's not fair because relationships are supposed to have sex" or "but sex is part of the contract of marriage" that's going to make it so she's suddenly not asexual. If she is, it's not a choice and it wont change. Things happen and they're not always easy and if you want to stick it out, you have to work for it.

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It sounds like you want someone to say "I thought I was an asexual woman and nothing worked for me until my partner did *this* and omg I had multiple orgasms it was amazing and ever since then I begged him to do that to me every single day and I was overwhelmed with constant desire for him, here is exactly what he did to me to turn me into a sexual woman maybe it will work for you too!"

.. Honestly, no one is going to say that, because as asexuals that has never *happened* to us. We haven't magically become sexuals and never looked back clearly or we wouldn't be here giving advice about how to live with asexuality we'd all be out preaching that asexuality is 'curable' which it isn't and never will be.

There is *no* magic fix to actual asexuality. What I mean by that is sure if someone becomes very ill for a time and loses their sex drive due to medication and stress etc, that is generally a 'curable' condition and they should come right once they are well again, but as an actual sexual orientation, you can't cure asexuality anymore than you can 'cure' homosexuality or heterosexuality. How many heterosexual men do you know who could be 'forced' to become fully homosexual and be totally happy with that?

There is no way to *make* someone want you in ways they just don't feel. Will you be able to completely stop wanting sex with your wife and never ask for it again? would you be able to literally just *stop* desiring your wife sexually? Because I can guarantee you that's *her* secret wish.. It probably tears her up inside that she can't give you what you want, she'd give *anything* for you to just be able to happy with what she *can* give, ie her love, support, companionship, and to never desire sex with her again.. That would make her life soooo much easier, but it's *just not going to happen* ..the same way her starting to desire you sexually *just isn't going to happen* ..

We are not saying "oh she's asexual? leave her!" we are saying "you need to accept that this is how it is and it *won't* change, she *can't* change her sexuality just as you can't change yours.. You need to accept that and find a way to live with it and if you literally cannot live with it, what alternative is there?

There is literally no solution that I (or anyone here) can give you other than *find a way to live with it* .. and if you can't.. if you will literally be unable to live with the fact that your wife just does not desire you sexually, then maybe breaking up really would be the only solution. Because there is *no way* to make her desire you sexually or to enjoy the things you do to her.

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I am not considering divorce as an option. It's too easy to say in an online forum "just break up." It doesn't work that way when you're married. You're not supposed to just split at the first sign of trouble.

You're supposed to stick with it and try to work it out.

I really don't think there's anything to try to "work out" though, other than in your own head. What it comes down to is you asking yourself whether this is something you still feel like you can maintain your relationship through, WHILE remaining happy. And going simply by your first post, "hurting" "unfulfilled" "resentful" don't sound like terms you'd use if you were still happy overall despite the sexuality mismatch.

Also, marriage is no reason to feel like you are stuck on rails. Married or not, if you are unhappy with the relationship on a long-term basis, separation is something that should be at least be considered. Not automatically pursued, but at least considered. My life could have turned out drastically worse if my parents didn't realize this.

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flesh-pocket

To clarify a few things: I've said it several times here, but the problem is I feel loved, I know I am loved, but I don't feel desired sexually.

I've also said that in every other aspect of our marriage, we get along just fine. We run a very efficient household; we don't fight over stupid things or pick on each other.

I am not considering divorce as an option. It's too easy to say in an online forum "just break up." It doesn't work that way when you're married. You're not supposed to just split at the first sign of trouble.

You're supposed to stick with it and try to work it out.

You know, to this day I have no idea what, if anything, turns my wife on. I've asked her to, even in the act, and she had no real answer. Just vague mumbling like "oh, I don't know. This is fine."

No she is not depressed and does not suffer from depression. I think she just has a low libido and little interest in sexual things. She is not interested at all in pursuing her own pleasure in this area.

The interest is just not there.

if she is asexual, and im assuming she is, she says nothing turns her on because nothing does. no matter what, that wont change. holding out for her to desire you because she loves you, or because she is married to you, or even because she knows you badly want to be desired and how much it means to you, is just not going to happen. and its not fair to you. but if she truly is asexual, then by definition the only thing she cannot do is feel sexual desire for another person.

all you can do is talk to her, tell her how you feel about all this, and try to work something out so you can something that will allow you to feel enough passion to be happy in the relationship. you have to come to terms that there is nothing on this planet that is going to awaken her sexually and suddenly she will look forward to sex. you are already resenting her, you said. you must think of it in terms that she has no passion to give you, she isnt sharing her sexuality with you because she has none.

this is the reason almost everybody on this thread has suggested breaking up if nothing else works, because in your definition of marriage you gave us sex is an important part of the package deal. this obviously isn't so for your wife. you have to get on the same page, but you cant blame her for holding back something that was never hers to give in the first place.

you have to come to terms with the facts that she ISN'T toying with you,

that she DOES value you and care about your feelings,

that she WANTS you to be happy in your marriage with her,

that she DOESN'T find you repulsive,

that she ISN'T holding back because of a hang up that can be worked through, that she isn't holding back at all

and that you ARE competent enough in bed to know how to cater to your partners needs

and that NONE of that is going to change the fact that she doesn't care about sex in the slightest

you have to work through these bitter feelings with her, that is the only possible way to save your marriage. if you just keep bottling things up from afar you will be miserable and your marriage will become strained, if it isn't already.

there is only compromise. and if the only thing that would make a compromise wroth while to you is if she truly desired sex for herself when she had it, then its not going to happen. do try and work and try some more for something that makes you happy with her as is, but if you can't- then you have to decide where that leaves you.

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Cameron1313

To further clarify - I am definitely not "resenting" her and haven't said so; if anything, I feel bad about it. I don't want to hurt her,

and that's the source of the inner conflict. There's a difference between frustration and resentment.

And I realize there's a lot of gray area surrounding asexuality, but I don't think she never wants sex; I just think she mainly

associates it with having children, and when that's not a factor in it, I don't think there's much in it that interests her. And that is

not for any kind of religious or moral reasons on her part at all. So yes she has "some" sexuality, but I think she puts it all in the

procreation basket, and none in the pleasure basket. Like I've mentioned, she doesn't seem to gain any psychological thrill from

the pleasure of sex, but I do; it's that part of it that she has already said she doesn't understand or "get" - makes no sense to her.

Oh, and I understand this is the way she is and is not going to change, in the manner you've put it.

Anyway, thanks.

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