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Concerns About Wife


Cameron1313

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gothic dandy

Hey Cameron...have you talked to your wife yet? Did you go and ask her if she's asexual?

I just skimmed through the whole thread and I didn't notice anybody give you advice on how to approach your wife, which was I think your original question.

You can sit here and debate sexual/asexual relationship theory all day with other asexuals, but meanwhile your wife is sitting around at home thinking that she is like most people and that you are being ridiculous. And you are NOT. Everybody has different needs and clearly you have a strong and valid need to feel sexually desirable by the woman you love.

So, if you haven't brought it up with her yet, say to her, "I found out about this thing called asexuality. I have told you that I've been feeling frustrated with the sex in our relationship, and I would like you to read about this orientation and tell me if you think it describes you?"

Then you will have to have some kind of ongoing discussion with her. I think if she truly loves you and truly understands your pain, and understands that everyone's sexual needs are different and that hers are not more important than yours, she will work with you to find a compromise.

I hope that helps. I can't think of anything better to say and I really have to go...fml

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And I realize there's a lot of gray area surrounding asexuality, but I don't think she never wants sex; I just think she mainly associates it with having children, and when that's not a factor in it, I don't think there's much in it that interests her. And that is not for any kind of religious or moral reasons on her part at all.

That's how my logic-oriented mind has been for most of my life. I don't want kids, therefore I never saw the point.

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And I realize there's a lot of gray area surrounding asexuality, but I don't think she never wants sex; I just think she mainly associates it with having children, and when that's not a factor in it, I don't think there's much in it that interests her. And that is not for any kind of religious or moral reasons on her part at all.

That's how my logic-oriented mind has been for most of my life. I don't want kids, therefore I never saw the point.

Yeah, honestly, if I was going to choose to have sex for me the only reason would be for children. Because, it's not fun and it's not pleasurable so why on earth would I WANT to do it unless I wanted the end result of a child? I only do it right now because... the only other option is divorce and weighing pros and cons, sex is more viable at the moment. If it ever became painful for me to have sex (emotional, mental or physical pain) I would probably choose the divorce option. It's kinda like some people like to drive for fun and others only drive because they need to get from A to B and see no point in it otherwise.

In the OP you did say you were feeling resentful that you had to bring it up. Now, of course, there are ups and downs in mixed relationships. Some days you can be really low and say things harsher than you meant to. But, with that, then talking about unspoken agreements to go elsewhere and then how sex is a vital part of a romantic relationship... well, people here will respond to what they can see here, since we can't see how you two are together, just the frustrations you are posting about. You could be much happier than you seem in this thread, it's entirely possible, as we are only seeing one small piece of the story.

The more you discuss your wife, the more it does kinda sound like she's at the least on the spectrum. Have you been able to have any sort of talks with her yet about potential compromises?

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It sounds like you want someone to say "I thought I was an asexual woman and nothing worked for me until my partner did *this* and omg I had multiple orgasms it was amazing and ever since then I begged him to do that to me every single day and I was overwhelmed with constant desire for him, here is exactly what he did to me to turn me into a sexual woman maybe it will work for you too!"

My wife and I once saw a sex therapist that told us her personal story was something very similar to this and she was going to help us. It was absolutely the single worst advice we had ever gotten. It just got my hopes thinking that maybe we finally found the person that would help us. It put us behind in our marriage at least 2-3 years. I wish I knew better how to provide broad education to the professional community on how to better identify asexuals and mixed marriages. She meant well but that was just terrible advice and the whole experience was terribly frustrating for both my wife and I. We realize that now.

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To further clarify - I am definitely not "resenting" her and haven't said so; if anything, I feel bad about it. I don't want to hurt her,

and that's the source of the inner conflict. There's a difference between frustration and resentment.

And I realize there's a lot of gray area surrounding asexuality, but I don't think she never wants sex; I just think she mainly

associates it with having children, and when that's not a factor in it, I don't think there's much in it that interests her. And that is

not for any kind of religious or moral reasons on her part at all. So yes she has "some" sexuality, but I think she puts it all in the

procreation basket, and none in the pleasure basket. Like I've mentioned, she doesn't seem to gain any psychological thrill from

the pleasure of sex, but I do; it's that part of it that she has already said she doesn't understand or "get" - makes no sense to her.

Oh, and I understand this is the way she is and is not going to change, in the manner you've put it.

Anyway, thanks.

I can't help but notice how many times in this post you said "I think she" feels. If you desire closeness with her, just ask her questions that would confirm whether your assumptions are true. There are a lot of people on this forum that have invested their time to give you the best advice they could based on their life experiences and most have suggested to have a conversation with her. Maybe we could give you a more useful perspective if you touched on why you are ignoring the advice. What is the specific reason you don't want to talk with her?

You might consider the book "positive intelligence." It has absolutely nothing to do with relationships, communications, or sex. It does talk about the danger of spending too much time in your own head. I am not a psychologist but it seems to me like you might have some internal "saboteurs" that could be limiting your potential.

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Reading through, it seems like everyone is feeling attacked. This is a new idea to Cameron (and me) the relationship has changed since he's been in it, it doesnt fit the definition hes always had of what a relationship is, so hes trying to understand. But a lot of you have had the world telling you you're wrong and broken for a long time and it you're not beating around the bush saying "this is how it is, deal or walk."

Honestly Gothic dandy has had the most useful reply. I can't speak for Cameron, but I came here to try and understand more, I'm picking up from context things like gray spectrum and arromantic vs asexual but I didn't see it on the main site so I'm still mostly clueless. I would guess Cameron was hoping for advice on how mixed relationships can work, actual examples. I empathize with him about talking with his wife also, I've been down similar conversations and they can be painful and unproductive; if I had a better understanding of what asexuality is like and could give my partner links for her to learn about it to see if she felt like it applied to her then maybe the next conversation will go better. (Again, haven't found easy info on the site yet). But until then, its really tricky to even bring it up, I don't want her to feel attacked, and she may feel defensive because the culture says she's wrong so she preemptively goes on the offense, and I'm not sure how to find a marriage councilor who believes in asexuals. I think that's the kind of advice op was looking for with talking to his wife. Like how did you find out about asexuality, how'd you decide it applied to you, and how was it coming out about it?

I liken sex to food, the longer you go without the more distracted you are thinking about it (even if you try not to, its involuntary) and the more desperate and crazy you feel.

I also dont understand asexual/a romantic relationships. Without sex what is the difference between bestfriend-roommate-partners and significant other? Monogamy in a mixed relationship really bends my brain, don't understand. But I don't have any problems with an open relationship so it doesn't really make to much logical sense to me in a sexual relationship either. (But I do think cheating is wrong, thats a trust and honesty thing) I'm not judging, just trying to understand. (Sorry if I've put my foot in my mouth)

Sex has faded off in my relationship, but we have a 7 year old, 4year old and 8month old, so learning what I have on this site for us it seems maybe more hormones and "nobody else touch me". So maybe in a few years she'll be more interested. Until then, any sexuals have advice on toning down the hunger?

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I would guess Cameron was hoping for advice on how mixed relationships can work, actual examples. I empathize with him about talking with his wife also, I've been down similar conversations and they can be painful and unproductive; if I had a better understanding of what asexuality is like and could give my partner links for her to learn about it to see if she felt like it applied to her then maybe the next conversation will go better.

All we can do is suggest some techniques -- and the first technique is to talk with your partner. If you aren't able to do that, I don't know what else is possible, frankly. The "Front Page" on AVEN is very informative; possibly give the partner a link to that.

Without sex what is the difference between bestfriend-roommate-partners and significant other?

Asexuals who don't feel the desire for sex with their partner (or anyone) can still feel a romantic attraction. I did, and still do. Asexuals don't really expect sexuals to understand that, but you do need to believe us when we tell you that's what we feel. And I don't feel romantic about my friends.

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I also dont understand asexual/a romantic relationships. Without sex what is the difference between bestfriend-roommate-partners and significant other? Monogamy in a mixed relationship really bends my brain, don't understand. But I don't have any problems with an open relationship so it doesn't really make to much logical sense to me in a sexual relationship either. (But I do think cheating is wrong, thats a trust and honesty thing) I'm not judging, just trying to understand. (Sorry if I've put my foot in my mouth)

I'm going to try to explain it to you so you can understand, sorry if I sound a little snappy, I'm just really tired and my words aren't working as well as I'd like them to.

Do you french kiss your best friend every day? or your roommate? do you hold your best friend/roommate in bed every night? sleep naked with them? Do you bathe with your best friend/roommate? Do you wake up every morning and have coffee and a snuggle with your best friend/roommate and tell them how much you love them? Do you plan on spending every day of the rest of your life, through sickness and in health, with your best friend/roommate? do you feel deep romantic love for your best friend/roommate? A desire to be deeply, intimately close with them at all times? to hold them and snuggle them and touch them and just give yourself to them? be totally vulnerable to them and have them be the same for you?

Because I know I absolutely don't feel any of that for my close friends, or my roommates (when I've had them in the past) but I sure as hell feel all of those things, and more, for my romantic partner. I feel every single thing that any other monoamorous romantic person feels for their romantic partner, minus any need for sex. I just don't need sex (or want it) ever. Sex does nothing for my asexual romantic partner and I, so we just don't have it. That doesn't mean we are ''just friends'' or ''roommates'' or ''roommates who are best friends but nothing more'' just because we do not stimulate each others genitals to achieve intimacy and sexual pleasure (we achieve deep levels of physical and emotional intimacy in other ways, ways neither of us have ever felt when having sex with our sexual ex partners)

I admit it confuses me a little how many sexuals say they can't differentiate between ''romantic relationship without sex'', and ''friendship'' (because sex is the one defining factor that sets these types of relationships apart, according to many sexual people) yet at the same time they can fully accept the fact that some sexual people have fuck buddies, one-night stands, and a screw with a stranger in the toilets at a bar (ie all situations without romantic love) .. If people can fuck without romantic love, they can be in romantic love without fucking. It's that simple.

And the monogamy part, that has already been described, in detail, in this thread.. Did you read the previous replies given here to Cameron? Romantic asexuals still feel a deep, intimate, romantic bond with our romantic partner.. Many of us understand that just because we don't need/want sex, sex means a shitload to a sexual person.. Sex is often a deeply intimate, deeply pleasurable, wonderful bonding experience for people who enjoy it.. An asexual who innately desires monogamy isn't going to want their sexual partner going out experiencing that bond with other people, just because we personally get nothing out of sex ourselves; It's not *our fault* we don't need sex the way you do, its just who we are (just as you wanting sex is just the way that you are, you can't help wanting it any more than we can help not wanting it) ..

Asexuals still have feelings that can be hurt, we just don't need/desire sex. For those of us who innately desire monogamy (monoamorous - can only romantically love one person at a time and innately desire them to be fully monoamorous for you in return) we would be/are deeply hurt by the idea of our partner being intimate with another person. I mean, a monogamous sexual person isn't going to want their romantic partner out french kissing other people, are they? but that's not sex, its just kissing, so whats the problem? The things is, monogamy is not just about sex, it's about not sharing physical intimacy with someone who is not your partner, whatever that intimacy is. A monoamorous asexual person is still just as uncomfortable at the idea of their partner being intimate in any way (french kissing, naked cuddling, sex etc) with another person as a sexual monogamous person is about their partner french kissing other people. It's the shared physical intimacy that is the issue here, its not just about sex.

Just as a side-note, I see you said ''asexual/a romantic relationships''.. just to be clear, they are both different things. Asexual means: without sex. Aromantic means without romance.

:cake:

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Okay, I found better information on the aven page this time (didn't see much about aromantic though) thanks for your patience. And obviously talking is the only possible way forwards, but these kind of heavy talks are painful so gathering as much understanding prior to one makes sense to try and make progress.

I believe you that you like romance but not sex. I think touch and physical closeness are built into our species (for the majority at least). But what is the common definition of romance? Personally I do value close relationships with people, intimacy developed through deep understanding of who each other are. And people I'm that close to I do want to spend as much time as possible with, people who I love and trust and feel like they support me. Friends. I haven't found many people like that, but it would be awesome if we all lived in one house together, or cohousing or something. Casual touch or hugs or quick peck kisses feel nice a way of connecting physically with someone, french kissing or cuddling or being naked together also feels nice and connecting but also holds sexual energy that the other physical connection doesn't (for me, not saying it has to for everyone). If my wife were bi I would not have any problem with her having a girlfriend as well. It seems a lot like massage or dance to me, it doesn't bother me if she goes to a masseuse or out dancing,it's her body she can do what she likes with it and make it feel good how she wants. So the examples given of being romantic with friends don't seem like they'd be weird to me personally (culturally unacceptable I guess). But my views are pretty atypical for sexuals as well, so I'm used to not understanding everyone else :P

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