Concerns About Wife

[Cameron1313]

I think my wife may be asexual. Never heard the term until I was Googling looking for answers. I want to talk about it but need encouragement.

All I know is inside I am hurting and unfulfilled. I feel loved but I don't feel loved sexually, and inside I am screaming to feel desired. I feel confused

and hurt and resentful that I have to be the one to have to bring it up, if I have to bring it up at all.

[Vega91]

I don't have experience with that situation, but I'd imagine you should bring it up carefully. Tell your wife that you found out about this thing instead of saying to her "you're definitely ace!" In the end, she's the only one who can say what she really is, or if her lack of sexual desire stems from something else.

In any case, I wish you luck and welcome to AVEN!

[novis]

First things first - have you expressed your feelings to your wife? Because that should be your first step. I wouldn't assume something about your wife's sexuality really, I would approach the topic from your point of view. "Recently I've been feeling x, y and z." Tell her what has you feeling this way and see what she says!

There could be other reasons for a low sex drive, outside of asexuality.

[Cheerful]

She could be asexual - or this could be a gynecological issue, stress at work or home...maybe unresolved conflict with you? Maybe she's just chronically tired.

Talk to the woman, because it could be any number of reasons. We'll still be here when you're done. :)

[Cameron1313]

I'm not certain about anything, and I don't want to bring it up in an accusatory manner and I don't want to slap labels on her. Believe me I have expressed feelings about

lack of regular sex and the need to be sexual, but...there's something she just doesn't seem to get. Her replies are always along the lines of

"Can't you just wait?", when I've been waiting 2-3 months at a time. She seems very surprised that it isn't perfectly OK to go four months with no intimacy. She appears confused or surprised that anyone can be turned on to the point of feeling uninhibited. She cannot reciprocate so many things. She does not come to me for affection. Does not snuggle.

Sex was there in quantity early on, and took a nosedive after child was born. I have not been french kissed in over seven years - she just stopped it with no announcement; why then is it my job to bring it up? In our entire time together

she has never given me oral pleasure and when I do it to her she doesn't respond - she lets me do it, but she doesn't get turned on. I've never had to ask anyone for that before. They just did it to me because they wanted to, and I thought

that was base-level intimacy for any committed couple. She has no desire to kiss my body or my neck or touch me below the waist. To her this is perfectly normal. She allows me to do it to her but is almost entirely passive and I get no verbal "niceties" from her when I do it, i.e. "that feels good" etc.

Over time I've become accustomed/conditioned to not expect much. She provides so much in every other area, and we are very good at running a household. Then sometimes there are moments

when I realize how desperate I am to feel desired and it hits hard. I just want her to take what she wants with me, but she doesn't seem to want very much of anything at all. She just kind of lays there and lets

me have my release once every 2-3 months, but I need to feel desired, not that she's just fulfilling her marital obligation.

[Cheerful]

It's my understanding that after a certain amount of time, romance in a marriage drops off. Women do need to feel that emotional connection for sexual intimacy. Do you express your love for her in non-sexual ways?

There's the old saw about bringing her flowers for no reason, but spontaneous help around the house speaks volumes there, and especially to a most likely overworked mom. Fold the laundry. Do some dishes. Make a meal. Offer to take over childcare for the day so she can have that time to herself.

That's showing love, and will most likely regenerate that spark between you. Worth a shot anyway, right?

But you do need to talk to her about this. Get a sitter, go off by yourselves and have this talk because we here can't offer much advice to you without knowing her side of this.

[Cameron1313]

Tried all the above. Gestures for no reason. She's nice about it but doesn't reciprocate. Help out around the house gets the same.

I show love in many ways, but it seems I do all the showing. She is just not a very romantic or sentimental person. She seems to neither

like nor dislike whatever I do - kind of neutral about all of it, like it's OK but she sees no reason or doesn't feel motivated to ever do the same.

There's no exchange. Before kids she was very into the idea of it as related to procreation. Not any more.

[Lydian]

One thing to keep in mind is that if your wife is asexual and doesn't know it, she may not understand why it is that you feel so hurt by the lack of sex. I know for me personally, prior to finding out I was not, in fact, the norm....I didn't get it at all. I saw no reason why someone wouldn't be willing to go without sex if they loved me. It's just sex after all, who cares? I go just fine without! Then after realizing I was asexual and getting into a relationship with someone who was not, I started to learn more about the other side of things. As much as it's hard sometimes for you to understand why she doesn't seem to care for it, she might not understand why it's such a big deal to you. Understanding that you're both different and working from there can be the first step if she really is asexual.

[Cheerful]

"Before kids she was very into the idea of it as related to procreation."

Do some web searches in regard to that and see what you come up with. You may have answered your own question here.

[Martin de V]

The key, as others have said here, is communication. Ya gotta talk to her. I was lucky, in retrospect; my wife outed herself to me. I was thinking...less charitable thoughts, and was close to asking for a divorce.

Since then, we've worked on increasing our communications, and I've been getting more lately just because she came to the conclusion that just because she's not that interested, she's not repulsed or anything of that sort. In her own words, she was acting selfish (and I know I act selfish in this particular arena).

The first trick is talking about it. The second one is figuring out what's going on. The third one's figuring out what to do about it.

Buenos suerte.

[Cameron1313]

Yeah, I know I gotta bring it up; the trick is doing it tactfully. I know I have to - I just have to sit with it and figure out the best way to bring it up - and the best time to do it.

True, she doesn't seem repulsed by me; just...not into it. Like nothing comes from her.

It's not in her. No fantasies; no curiosity about her own pleasure; no desire to TAKE her own pleasure w/ me. She doesn't seem to be interested in her own pleasure; she gets all of it from motherhood.

I wonder where the "hunger" for it is; it doesn't seem to be there, like she has no concept of satisfying herself. No psychological pleasure in it at all for her

other than knowing I love her. Try to french kiss and she won't open her mouth; pecking only, but she doesn't want to make a big deal out of it. On the other hand, my needs are quite different, and in the long time we've been together, she's often expressed displeasure with things that would be normal to me before I even considered asking for them, and yet in other relationships those things were there without me ever having to ask or make an issue - they just happened. I thought at first a lot of it had to do with responsibilities and time taken parenting - I know there's an ebb and flow to things, and that's normal. But there has never been a time

where I felt she was taking what she wanted.

[capt_pantsless]

It sounds like you are running into a fairly classic problem - you're in a mixed relationship. You're sexual, she's either asexual, or low-libido demi-sexual. Either way, you want much more sex than she wants.

Stop beating around the bush and talk with her. Make sure she knows you're not OK with the situation currently, but pushing her for more intimacy isn't going to get you what you want.

Try to use "I" statements - e.g. "I am feeling like we don't have sex anymore, and I'm not OK with that" and "I feel unloved because I don't feel like you desire me sexually".

Does she have any close female friends that she can talk about sex-stuff with? That can be helpful to give her a perspective on her own relationship.

Lastly, I'll say that you're desires are NOT abnormal - and if you do choose to end the relationship, you're not a bad person. Sex is important to some people.

[flesh-pocket]

from what you describe she certainly sounds asexual. and id like to add that if she doesn't seem too phased by purely romantic gestures either, she could also be some kind of aromantic. only she can tell you this though, as others have said.

if she is asexual and she doesnt get anything special out of sex now its doubtful she will start, at least not with out seeing your side of things. what it means for her to be asexual and seem like she doesnt put much stock in sexual gestures is that she actually doesnt. and if she does start putting in more effort its all for your benefit, not for hers except in making you happy.

But there has never been a time

where I felt she was taking what she wanted.

you have to understand that if she is asexual, she is taking all she wants right now. she just doesnt want any. and shes not going to ever want more just for her own sake

you say there are things that she never reciprocates- im assuming you've asked her for them already but if not, if you want her to do them you will have to ask because shes never going to feel like doing it unless you tell her that you need a little bit more. whether or not you should have to be the one to do so doesnt matter at this point because shes established that those things dont come naturally to her.

if shes uncomfortable doing them then try to find compromise in other areas... but if you are waiting for her to get a clue and start showing more desire on her own, you will be waiting indefinitely because just doesnt have the same needs that you have and likely has no point of reference for understanding yours.

[Cameron1313]

The last two replies definitely make a lot of sense and at least are helping me make some sense of things here. You must realize how confused I feel sometimes.

Yes, it's true that only she can say for sure if she is asexual - however, everyone here seems to agree the probability of it in my situation is pretty high.

you have to understand that if she is asexual, she is taking all she wants right now. she just doesnt want any. and shes not going to ever want more just for her own sake

Yes, and that is exactly why I feel there isn't much I can do about it and why having the Big Annoying Talk about it is pointless. That is exactly why I've felt that since she does everything she wants to do anyway, if she really wanted to do the things I crave she would have done them already. She doesn't want to french kiss, not because of me, but because she just doesn't want to. It doesn't turn her on. It was the first thing to go, and it was gone

at the time our child was born. And why would I want anything from someone who is doing it just to shut me up? You're not supposed to be intimate with someone to "compromise." That's not making love, that's bargaining. The whole point is the need to feel desired and the need for sexual validation. To be told that is unnecessary and an unhealthy need is preposterous.

Yes, she does seem to not understand why it hurts to go without it, to not have so many things. One time I was in tears for feeling so undesired for four straight months and she was really surprised. "Well I guess that really got to you," she said, while also saying there should be no problem with her just announcing in advance that there will be no sex until further notice when we had a guest with us temporarily.

[Sally]

The whole point is the need to feel desired and the need for sexual validation. To be told that is unnecessary and an unhealthy need is preposterous.

Has she told you that? Or are you assuming she feels that way, because she herself doesn't want sex? I ask because I as an asexual never felt what my partners wanted was unhealthy or unnecessary for them. It simply wasn't what I wanted.

[capt_pantsless]

You must realize how confused I feel sometimes.

In case it needs to be said - we DO realize how you feel - many of the posters in this sub-forum have been through very similar experiences to yours. You're in good company here - and you're not alone.

[Cameron1313]

The whole point is the need to feel desired and the need for sexual validation. To be told that is unnecessary and an unhealthy need is preposterous.

Has she told you that? Or are you assuming she feels that way, because she herself doesn't want sex? I ask because I as an asexual never felt what my partners wanted was unhealthy or unnecessary for them. It simply wasn't what I wanted.

She has said she can't believe that anyone would fall for what is normally considered seduction, such as flirting, talking about sex or sexual-related compliments, things like

I like this part or that part of you, can't wait to get my hands/mouth on this or that, etc. To her it's silly and ridiculous, and she loses respect for people who "fall for it." Whereas to me, that's part of the whole joy and fun of it, but I have been conditioned to live without it. I am informed of when it's OK for sex, and this transpires without any kind of seduction beforehand. To remedy this I tried flirting such as sending sexy texts during the day, but in return all I got was "LOL".

[torgjoe]

Cameron I totally feel you.

We have small 3 kids, I think my wife is pretty sick of being touched by the time they're all in bed. I love them all so much, and if it comes to it I guess I'll be celibate, but I like sex and don't want to just give up on it. I also don't know how to bring it up with her again in a way that she won't feel defensive. And what compromises can be made? If there's no interest on your partners part then it's unappealing, it's as akward as inviting them to come watch you masturbate. Louis CK sums it up well but crudely https://youtu.be/betkymYDzfg And we're all creatures of habit, we can agree to try and change it, but if it's not something we actually care about then we won't be able to make a new habit. It feels like we're partners, and we used to be lovers. Reading throught these boards I am seeing some ideas like just asking for more intimacy ilke touch or hugs, which would be nice, it would feel more like she is aware of me and loves me, but again habit, she's not that physical with me, what's the chance she'll remember to be. Trying to initiate sex is making myself vulnerable, I'm asking for connection (along with the physical stuff), and getting turned down however gently makes me feel stupid for reaching out.

So, thats a lot about me, sorry. Just wanted to let you know that I hear you that there's a lot of great in your life but there's also this hole that's distracting like a sore tooth. Good luck

[teagansk]

Oh, I totally relate to the feeling of hurt, unfulfilled and desperate to feel desired. I can't tell you the number of times I have been in moments of uncontrollable tears just thinking about that.

For me the challenge was that for years my wife had been defending herself from the pressure from me to be more intimate. We developed a pretty solid pattern of behavior and it involved a lot of me expressing frustration and my wife putting up her defenses to protect herself from that. That went on for at least 10 years so it took a lot of time and effort to untangle and get on a new way of communicating. If you think this might also apply to you, my advice is to do your absolute best to approach the conversation from a standpoint that you desire deeper understanding for both. Try to be as sincerely selfless as you can in the conversation because she probably wants to talk and connect as well but needs to see clearly that you are thinking about her interest before your own. Do your best to set the frustration and hurt to the side for the conversation. For me, that was the hardest because those feelings can be overwhelming but if you can put them on hold for a moment, it might help you find common language to describe and accept how each is feeling without judgement. You might even admit where you acknowledge your own weakness of flaws to help bring guards down. If you can get to the point that she feels you fully understand her point of view, she might eventually be able to give you some space to vent without taking it personally since she will know that you understand her and are not trying to change her as much as just be seeking some empathy for yourself and/or equal strengthening of the relationship for both.

Disclaimer. I am not asexual so my advice might be way off base but that has what has worked for me. That and a third party (therapist) to guide us through the most difficult discussions when neither of us could see the forest through the trees. That helped us realize that my wife didn't see that sex=love for me. She actually felt like an object when I desired her which so wasn't the truth but we needed a third party for us both to realize that was a fundamental problem. Many years later, the big moment of truth came for me when after years and years of trying to find ways (with help of unwitting therapists) to increase my wife's desire. We realized that my wife always desired a stronger marriage and was following the guidance from therapists that would lead to increased desire but ultimately nothing would cause her to want to have more physical desire. Our work to strengthen the relationship with an objective to improve her physical desire was misguided. Increasing physical desire wasn't something she wanted so whether she identifies as asexual or not was sort of inconsequential to me. If she doesn't want her physical desire to be any different than it currently is, there is no hope for change so I moved to acceptance. For some lack of desire is a true disorder with treatment options (therapy, better communication, etc). For others, it is not a problem at all and just describes who they are. That might be a good question to get to if you find your self in a meaningful conversation where she has her guard down and isn't on the defensive. Does she feel like her lack of desire is something she would like to be at a higher level than it is today? Many people find crises when their sexual desire is lacking. Many don't and AVEN helped me realize that. I hope for you that is not the case but If she doesn't want to feel stronger physical desire, I'd work on acceptance which is a whole other set of emotions but it does get better. That is where I am on the journey of a mixed desire marriage today.

Regardless, you will very likely find common ground in both having a desire for a stronger marriage so having a conversation that leads to that acknowledgement is a fantastic starting point. Be sure to let her know that is your desire and you want to make a sincere effort on your part to strengthen your relationship and you want her to tell you what she needs from you. Try not to argue with her or counter but just look to understand. If you put the frustration to the side and she can see that you are sincere, she will be much more open to honest conversation.

[teagansk]

Yes, and that is exactly why I feel there isn't much I can do about it and why having the Big Annoying Talk about it is pointless. That is exactly why I've felt that since she does everything she wants to do anyway, if she really wanted to do the things I crave she would have done them already. She doesn't want to french kiss, not because of me, but because she just doesn't want to. It doesn't turn her on.

I have felt the same at times so I understand. However, even if you give up hope for your perfect vision of what you think marriage would be, don't give up hope altogether. You'd be amazed at what might happen if you can create a deep understanding of each other. I went from having terrible sex once or twice a year and feeling like I wasn't worthy of love to having decent quality sex relatively speaking 2-3/month and knowing that I am very loved. While neither of us have the frequency we would chose exactly for ourselves, neither one of us would ever describe it as a compromise. I hate that word. When she better understood me and herself, she was able to identify better with how she can find true enjoyment in sex. She is grey asexual, not pure asexual so that might not be the case for you but you won't know until you start talking. For my part, I work to find contentment in what I have and recognize better how my wife demonstrates love. While our marriage might not be what either of us initially envisioned, we are a team and when we both put our partners needs on the same level as our own, it is not a compromise. We are one unit finding what works best for both of us equally. It all starts with intimate and deep conversation.

Please don't call it "Big Annoying" talk or you are setting your expectation for failure. I get that resentment and hurt makes it hard to see benefit from a deep conversation but have faith in your marriage, yourself and your wife. You might be surprised. Beyond all else, have patience. Small steps lead to huge improvements over time.

Please provide status updates. I will say a prayer for you and am interested in how you progress.

[Cameron1313]

Thanks for your replies. It gives me a lot to think about. It sounds like a hard road. I'm going to read a lot more about this -

I stumbled on it and the one thing that rang a big bell after reading others' posts was the number of people saying that in their

relationships they knew they were loved, but didn't feel loved physically. I will say it was good to know others are experiencing the same;

I didn't know what could possibly be wrong (or what I was doing wrong). This is an eye opener; I need to start thinking about it.

[herronjeff]

I just wrote a long post about my relationship with my partner, and it seems there are a lot of similarities with your wife's way of thinking about sex and my partner's.

A big step I took with my partner was showing her this very website and just going over it with her. There's even a little FAQ you can look through with her and see if she identifies with anything she sees on the website. Identifying something like asexuality was very important to us, and in my opinion, opens a lot of doors to talks that can help you reach a mutual understanding with each other. That being said, she needs to be comfortable and ready to do such a thing, and leading up to it might be awkward for her and even you.

It is different for every couple, and there is no right or wrong when it comes to this kind of stuff. For some asexual, there is no compromise at all, and that is their choice. For others there is plenty of compromise. Finding out what is right for you and your partner is key, and can only be done through communication.

[alto]

I suggest you read this:

http://prismaticentanglements.com/2012/03/28/how-to-have-sex-with-an-asexual-person/

[Cameron1313]

Guys, I don't know. I mean, really. Endless literature all about what I'm supposed to do, consider, think about, be aware of, while trying to have a sexual relationship

with someone who really isn't interested in sex. The more I read, the more it sounds like a no-win situation. I am hurting from not feeling desired, from not knowing

a partner is taking real pleasure in sex. And the only solution I see bandied about in all this writing about it is that I'm just supposed to get used to the idea of having sex

with someone who doesn't like sex. I'm just supposed to deal with it. It's all up me. I have to do all the talking, all the bringing up, all the adjusting, all the doing without, and all the suffering,

while they're just happy as a clam having sex three times a year. Yes, I'm complaining. Maybe it's because I'm just finding out about all this. But there is something inherently unfair in being with

someone who condemns you to a life of near-celibacy, and expects you to remain monogamous with them, and if I can't go along with it, then I'm the one who gets vilified for not being patient and understanding enough???

Folks, sex is a part of marriage. It is part of the agreement, the contract of marriage. The link you posted above, "How To Have Sex With an Asexual Person" is, I'm sorry to say, about as sexy, attractive, and pleasurable as

going to the laundromat. It's all about "no". Imagine intimacy while constantly tip-toeing around "boundaries," and constantly being in fear that your partner just really is not enjoying what you're doing at all, while you are feeling desperate

to experience some small part of intimacy. It's ridiculous. Sorry.

[Sally]

It's understandable that you feel as you do, Cameron, if you see this as what YOU have to do, and get used to, and not do, and feel deprived of. You want sexual intimacy; your wife doesn't. You two are very different in that respect, and neither of you is going to change, because your individual feelings are part of who you are.

What each of you has to do is decide whether this partnership will work for both of you. Being asexual myself and having experienced various situations in a marriage and a long-term relationship, I doubt if your wife is happy as a clam, since she doubtless knows that you are not happy. But you are responsible for making a decision about your own unhappiness.

[Cameron1313]

It's understandable that you feel as you do, Cameron, if you see this as what YOU have to do, and get used to, and not do, and feel deprived of. You want sexual intimacy; your wife doesn't. You two are very different in that respect, and neither of you is going to change, because your individual feelings are part of who you are.

What each of you has to do is decide whether this partnership will work for both of you. Being asexual myself and having experienced various situations in a marriage and a long-term relationship, I doubt if your wife is happy as a clam, since she doubtless knows that you are not happy. But you are responsible for making a decision about your own unhappiness.

That's what is so confusing about it. Every other single department in this relationship is just fine and totally compatible - we run a really good house and we do so much else very well. The problem is relegated only to sex. And because sexual feelings naturally come and go like the tide, it's not something I feel 24 hours a day. Sometimes I think I can be OK with it; other times it's almost impossible to handle. That's the hardest part. I wonder if other couples in this situation have to go on "unspoken agreements," where the sexual partner has to have those needs met elsewhere without making a big deal out of it. There are times where I think she's alluded to that, but I'm not sure; I do think she expects me to be exclusive. I mean, we are married, and marriage is supposed to be an exclusive relationship, or so I thought.

[Lady Girl]

It's understandable that you feel as you do, Cameron, if you see this as what YOU have to do, and get used to, and not do, and feel deprived of. You want sexual intimacy; your wife doesn't. You two are very different in that respect, and neither of you is going to change, because your individual feelings are part of who you are.

What each of you has to do is decide whether this partnership will work for both of you. Being asexual myself and having experienced various situations in a marriage and a long-term relationship, I doubt if your wife is happy as a clam, since she doubtless knows that you are not happy. But you are responsible for making a decision about your own unhappiness.

That's what is so confusing about it. Every other single department in this relationship is just fine and totally compatible - we run a really good house and we do so much else very well. The problem is relegated only to sex. And because sexual feelings naturally come and go like the tide, it's not something I feel 24 hours a day. Sometimes I think I can be OK with it; other times it's almost impossible to handle. That's the hardest part. I wonder if other couples in this situation have to go on "unspoken agreements," where the sexual partner has to have those needs met elsewhere without making a big deal out of it. There are times where I think she's alluded to that, but I'm not sure; I do think she expects me to be exclusive. I mean, we are married, and marriage is supposed to be an exclusive relationship, or so I thought.

My husband expects me to be exclusive. He is also aware that if I could not handle being celibate with him, I would have to make a decision about staying with him. He used to be more neutral about sexual activity and that was fine, but now that I know it's not something he wants at all, I don't want it either.

Like Sally mentioned, I know now that he was never "happy as a clam and having it all his way" even if I once thought that.

I really think it's a matter of figuring out if you can be happy or not. Take some time to weigh it all...even if everything else is perfect, it's possible that the sexual issue is a top priority and heavier than everything else. Fortunately for me, I discovered that it's not as horrible being celibate as I thought it would be. I was surprised, and the last two years have been pretty awesome.

[Lydian]

someone who condemns you to a life of near-celibacy, and expects you to remain monogamous with them, and if I can't go along with it, then I'm the one who gets vilified for not being patient and understanding enough???

Well that depends on what you mean by not going along with it. If you choose to leave because sex is important to you, that's fair. Just as it's fair for me to decide to leave a relationship or avoid dating people who require sex. It's just the way it is, and you're not at fault for it.

Folks, sex is a part of marriage. It is part of the agreement, the contract of marriage.

Not really. Sex is a part of most marriages yes but getting married doesn't mean signing a contract to have sex with you. It's definitely unfortunate that you were already married before realizing the sexual differences between you but it's not a sex contract.

And the only solution I see bandied about in all this writing about it is that I'm just supposed to get used to the idea of having sex

with someone who doesn't like sex. I'm just supposed to deal with it. It's all up me. I have to do all the talking, all the bringing up, all the adjusting, all the doing without, and all the suffering,

While I can see why you're feeling frustrated, do understand that it can be equally difficult for the asexual partner. From where you're standing, it seems like you're the only one who has to deal with anything, to adjust to anything, or bring anything up. As someone who's been the asexual in a relationship, we have our share of difficulties as well. It's definitely tough on both sides, and I wouldn't say one has it harder than the other. Don't take this as me trying to invalidate your feelings of frustration. There's a lot of guilt that can come with being asexual. Being the ace in the relationship is like...your partner isn't happy, compromise sometimes isn't enough and well....there's nothing you can do about it. You want to make them happy but you can't change the way you are. You don't quite understand where it's even coming from because you've never experienced these feelings. Most anywhere you turn to, aside from within the asexual community, you're told you're the problem. Why can't you just learn to like it? Don't they have a pill or something to fix you? How could you do this to your partner? I feel so bad for your partner having to be with an asexual. I mean....I would never fault someone for not wanting to be with me because I'm asexual. That's fair. You can't help needing sex any more than I can help being asexual. What hurt was people treating me like a burden instead of a person. It was my partner's choice to be with me, but people talked to me like I was trapping him and hurting him.

Just because you were the one to find it and bring it up, if your partner is willing to work with you it'll be a bit of a journey on both sides. I actually had to do a TON of reading up before I came to understand where my partner was coming from. Despite sexuality being shoved in our faces all the time, I really never understood until I realized I needed to make an effort TO understand. Whether or not things work is somewhat dependant on both of you, but also somewhat out of anyone's hands. Sometimes it just can't work and sometimes with enough communication, it can. How hard you want to try before deciding you're the former would be up to the two of you.

[Cameron1313]

If an asexual doesn't really feel sexually attracted to you, and doesn't really like sex, why then would they be opposed to you having sex

with other people to get your needs met? That seems to crop up in these boards, at least from what I've read, but no one addresses it:

If you don't like sex and don't feel sexual attraction, why do you expect your partner to be monogamous with you?

[Philip027]

If an asexual doesn't really feel sexually attracted to you, and doesn't really like sex, why then would they be opposed to you having sex with other people to get your needs met?

Just because it isn't important to *us* doesn't mean we can't see that it's important to other people. Having the partner express that sort of vulnerability and intimacy with other people can still leave us feeling like our relationships are being threatened.