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How did you know asexuality wasn't a disorder?


Karou

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Hello,

I'm doing this as a project for school. I self-identify as asexual and people don't usually get it. I want people to understand what it is and how it's not a form of sexual disorder.

If any of you wish to share your story as to how you came to self-identify and recognize that there wasn't anything "wrong" with you, that would be amazing.

My goal is to inform people (our textbooks literally have two sentences that explain asexuality) and take away any negative stigmas.

Also, feel free to email me with any questions or concerns at fmaameline@yahoo.com

Thank you

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I never really thought anything was wrong with me, I guess. I assumed I was normal and everyone else was exaggerating. Once I found out about asexuality, I went through a brief period of "That can't be me, because I am definitely straight, because I don't want to be not straight." But then I realized what being straight entailed and decided being ace and heteroromantic was fine.

And as for why I don't think of it as a disorder? I have other disorders. They cause problems in my life. That's what disorders do. Asexuality doesn't cause problems in my life. Other people's reactions to asexuality might cause problems, but not asexuality itself. It causes me no distress. It doesn't reduce my quality of life in any way. Therefore, it is not a disorder or anything else that means "problem."

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I self identify as asexual and I've always been this way, but I did not know there was a name for it until about 10 years ago. I'm 50 now and never in my life have I felt sexual desire for anyone or their dog. I have a very low sex drive that is almost non-existent, and therefore I'm pretty comfortable with life in general. I've had people ask me to marry them, but turned them down, and now I know it was the right thing to do. It would have ended in divorce, otherwise.

I grew up seeing other people suddenly go crazy around age 13 and then around age 17-18 they would have to "get married in a hurry." They would get married and walk up the aisle in the church with the flowers held in front of them so you wouldn't "see the baby." I was able to do a lot more with my life and have a lot more freedom as a result of not living my life according to what my hormones want me to do... I've been able to go to college and travel and enjoy life more, I think. Not every marriage is happy, and not every family is like "The Brady Bunch" -- all happy-happy & all that. Real life can really s-ck if you're stuck in a bad marriage and can't afford the divorce attorneys & the kids hear you fighting and all that. Divorce is a big mess of paperwork and can bring about financial ruin, I know, because I work for a law firm. There are a lot of cases that are started with adultery, of course.

If you're a woman you'll be changing diapers until you're kids grow up, then they'll dump the grandkids on you and you'll be changing diapers all over again for another twenty years... If you're a guy you'll have to pay child support or move out of state and hope they don't find you to serve papers on.

So anyway, I feel strongly that asexuality is not a disorder because I see the big mistakes other (i.e. "sexual") people make in their lives and how they f--- up their lives over sex & such, so after seeing the troubles I see in other people's lives (I'm a paralegal) I could probably make a good case that "being sexual" is a "disorder" (well, it isn't, really, but it does seem to cause problems in a lot of people's lives). Also, I know that I am "not disordered" because I basically have my life together pretty well and don't have "disorders" in my life otherwise: I don't do drugs, I haven't been in jail, not getting into trouble & such. A lot of clients of the law firm have been in jail and are on drugs, and they don't think they have a problem; they think they are perfectly normal. Funny, huh?

As a paralegal, I see inside other people's lives, and it ain't pretty!

Be happy you're asexual because you have fewer problems in life and a lot more freedom.

If you are writing a paper for school you can quote me.

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APOLOGIES: This is very long! I have only recently started identifying as asexual, so typing out long-winded replies helps me figure out how to organize my thoughts about it a little better :)

Err... I'm not convinced it's not a disorder *waits to be slapped by someone.* I'm only talking about myself, obviously, and can't speak for anyone else.
I've always explained away (what I am now calling my) asexuality by saying to myself that I'm a late bloomer, that I haven't met the right person, that my friends never talked much about sex so I wasn't peer-pressured into craving it, that it's just not something I'm interested in, that I'm secretly disgusted by it.

I sat down with myself one day after refusing sex with my boyfriend for the hundredth time and forced myself to think "Okay: why am I doing this?" I proceeded to knock down those old misconceptions about myself one-by-one.

1: I am 20 years old. Even if I am a late bloomer, as a junior in college, something should have happened by now xD

2: I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and I love him to death. I've had crushes before, and I've "fantasized" about guys, but never in a sexual way. Friendship and relationships have always been almost indistinguishable for me because I never think about being physically intimate with someone, rather, I fantasize about getting to know someone better, having a deep conversation, sharing meals with a person. I fantasize about emotionally intimate settings in the way others fantasize about physically intimate settings. Also, seriously, how many hetero people stop fantasizing about sex when they're with the wrong partner (or single), or don't know they want sex until they've met Mr./Mrs. Right? This just isn't plausible to me.
3: If every individual needs to be trained to want sex, then how does anyone start wanting sex? Media, I suppose. I find it implausible to think that teenagers are only interested in sex because they think it's something adults do. It seems more... primal than that, I guess. (From what I've heard from my hetero friends, a teen's sex drive can come out of nowhere and be pretty unquenchable.)
4&5: See, this is what really stumps me. I wouldn't say I'm disinterested or disgusted by sex in some deprived way, because sex is fascinating to me. I love talking to my hetero friends about sex and attraction, because it's actually kind of a beautiful thing, and I'm sad to be missing out on it. I suppose my feeling toward sex has just been that it seems largely... inconvenient and cumbersome, I suppose.

So, let's bring it back to your question: "How did I decide that asexuality isn't a disorder?"

I haven't. I still haven't. Maybe someday I'm going to wake up once all of the switches in my brain have flipped into a different configuration and discover that I actually am interested in sex. It wouldn't be that far off, honestly. I'm only romantically attracted to men, and I have a predisposition to favor attractive men over unattractive men, which I imagine I would not have if there existed no part of my brain that was interested in sex. I like kissing and cuddling with my boyfriend, although I mostly enjoy the gestures of attraction and intimacy rather than the physical feelings associated (even though cuddling is comfy and warm :3). I find myself getting excited when I get noticed by a guy I'm "crushing" on (AKA currently wanting to get coffee with or something equally mundane lol), so who knows? Maybe someday I'll wake up and bother my boyfriend for a quickie before work, ha.

I do think that something has short-circuited in my brain, like a dimmer switch on my sex drive has been set to all the way down. It's caused me a lot of grief and confusion, so yes, I would call my asexuality a disorder (please don't hate me, I'm just talking about a disorder in the purely clinical, definitive sense). However, my asexuality is such a strong part of my identity that I do not reject it, and I am continually impressed and strengthened every day by the people I meet on this forum who focus on the positives of their asexuality. Like all things classified as disorders, I think asexuality only causes confusion to some people because of how prominent sexuality is in all aspects of life.

(Ha, isn't it amazing that heterosexual and homosexual people seem to regard the other class of people as their opposite sometimes? They should realize how much they actually have in common :P)

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I break it down to essentials.

I need food, shelter, water and air. Physically does are my basic needs.

Emotionally, I need my family, they are a strong component in my life, and my life would be a bit tougher without them.

Psychologically, I need my space. I need my solitude. Give me a good book or a good movie so I can relax.

For know this is what I can handle in my life. Maybe one day I will have room for someone special. I have close friends, but I like spending time with them in small doses.

What I don't need is to prove myself to anyone.

I don't need to drink alcoholic beverages to be more social.

I don't need to waste time trying to get women to like me.

To be honest I think some of the ridiculous things people do while intoxicated or trying get people to like them are the one's under some kind of disorder.

All the above is just my opinion.

Have a beautiful night.

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Your textbook has a hell of a lot more than any textbook I ever had - save maybe for the biology textbook, but let's face it, that's not the kind of asexuality we're talking about.

Honestly, AVEN was the key to me realizing there was nothing wrong with me (although, to be frank, I'm not entirely sure there isn't anything wrong with me... I just know sex has nothing to do with it). I just googled my problem, as some people do when they're really depressed and were just told by a partner that they're fucked up and need medical help, and boom, there was AVEN. Literally the first thing that popped up. Thank goodness for that, because you know how the internet is. You google your problems, and all of a sudden, you have the symptoms of every obscure deadly disease there is. Which is why it was my absolutely last resort, but I was desperate. I had nothing else to turn to, no one else to ask.

As far as thinking something was wrong with me goes, I wasn't exactly the image of a healthy mind back then. I had so low self-esteem and I hated myself so much, that I just assumed I couldn't deal with sex because I couldn't manage to see myself naked, let alone show myself to other people. Self-esteem is funny like that. It makes you feel like nothing about you is right, no matter what. So of course there was something wrong with me. I mean, there had to be, right? Sex is supposed to be this mind-blowing, awesome thing that all people yearn for and desire, and I never did. I never desired men, or women, or anything else. When someone asked me out, however, I said yes, because not wanting a relationship wasn't right. It took me a year and a half of stress, worry and fear of all kinds to realize that there is no right or wrong. Things like that are just human ways of putting things into boxes. Right and wrong change, all the time. It was never a question of right and wrong for me, it was just difference. And I didn't want to be different. Sex is all anybody talks about. From the moment you enter your teens, everything is about sex. Safe sex, passionate sex, STI's, babies, sexuality, contraceptives, love (because apparently that can't be separate from sex), relationships. I suffered so many sex-ed classes in which I borderline turned religious, begging for someone (freaking Lucifer, as far as I cared) to get me the hell out of there. Everybody talks about it, it is everywhere, and there I was, bombarded by this crap that I wanted nothing to do with. What was I supposed to think? I wanted to fit in. Everybody wants sex, ergo, not wanting sex means there's something wrong with me. I was wrong in that, as it turns out. And if it wasn't for AVEN, chances are, I would have spiraled into deep depression and self-loathing, because there was no one to turn to. Nobody I knew had ever even heard of Asexuality before I found it. Talking to people about how I felt made them think I that someone had hurt me, or that I just hadn't met the right person yet.

A few hazardous google-searches changed my damn life. I just wish I wouldn't have had to suffer through the emotional and physical duress of sexual intercourse before someone gave me a heads up about sex being an activity of choice. With all that stupid sex ed I had, I would have thought someone would have mentioned the bit about not everybody wanting sex. I mean, we talked about homosexuality. We talked about drugs and sex. We talked about condoms and pregnancies and all kinds of nasty contraceptives, and all other kinds of disgusting things that I spent years trying to forget even existed. Someone could have at the very least dropped a hint that "by the way, if you don't want sex at all, that's fine!" The closest we came to any of that was "Oh, and don't have sex until you are completely ready!" Thanks for nothing, sex ed.

I don't know what kind of negative stigma that will help against, but I'll tell you this; The day I realized that I could appreciate someone's physical appearance without it automatically meaning I want to fuck their brains out, was the happiest day of my life. So social convention can please go and something itself, because I am so done thinking I am messed up just because society says I should be feeling one thing and not the other.

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awesomeopposum

There wasn't really some Giant "Aha Moment" when i came to realize, it was more like another definition of who I am. I never understood why it would be considered a disorder. I see it as anything odd.

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never thought of it as a disorder but more like that i had different tastes. never thought of myself as broken but more of just being interested in something else.

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ElephantsAlways

Here's mine. I'm terribly sorry about my nasty long-windedness. (Also this is, at times, difficult for me to talk about, so you will notice that I sound kind of emotionally detached here, since that's my first line of defense when something is distressing.)

At one point I nearly convinced myself that I was a sociopath.

I see things very objectively a lot of the time, examine how I see the world and wonder if it's the same as the way everyone else does, and the like. Beyond this resulting in my being too awkward to put one foot in front of the other without concentrating (literally), I noticed that I never had the same interest in boys (or girls) as the people around me. I determined that what they had that I didn't was an emotion, did some research on being emotionally lacking, and sociopath came up as a result; I researched that and found that no one seemed to be able to agree on an exact definition of that so I let it sit. It scared me, though, thinking that I might be a sociopath.

I discovered that asexuality is a thing completely by accident. It was last November, I believe, I was sitting in bed feeling depressed, wondering if my loved ones would be in danger if I did happen to be a sociopath or partial sociopath, when I remembered something a girl had said at Duke this summer (I went to camp there) about being asexual when people were talking about orientations. Having never heard of it before, my mind immediately drew this conclusion: asexual=asexual reproduction, asexual reproduction=producing offspring by oneself, the (sole) purpose of sex=producing offspring, therefore to be asexual is to be sexually attracted to oneself (sorry guys! XD). This made no sense to me at the time, since I still thought the only reason two people would have sex is so that they'd have kids (homosexuality also made little sense to me at the time, consequently). But I got curious about it, since it didn't seem to add up (even though by November I had realized that sex is also a pleasure thing that people crave, apparently), found AVEN, and realized that this whole idea of asexuality (didn't mean autosexuality, and) described me perfectly. :D (Also that I am somewhere on the grey-romantic spectrum).

So for me, learning that I was asexual was strong reaffirmation that I didn't have a disorder--namely sociopathy. Which is kind of extreme, I suppose, but I couldn't think of anything else that fit until I found AVEN. Yes, asexuality isn't necessarily common, but I don't feel that I'm missing out on anything--certainly there are other, more productive ways to enjoy oneself, like writing a book or even doing new things like going canoeing, climbing, etc. I'm still fully capable of enjoying life, and I intend to. Maybe I'll use that extra time that I could be spending on sex and dating and all that hassle to study for my SAT test or something. ;)

Edit: So I've noticed that I use parenthesis almost like a safety blanket. :redface:

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I never really thought anything was wrong with me, I guess. I assumed I was normal and everyone else was exaggerating. Once I found out about asexuality, I went through a brief period of "That can't be me, because I am definitely straight, because I don't want to be not straight." But then I realized what being straight entailed and decided being ace and heteroromantic was fine.

And as for why I don't think of it as a disorder? I have other disorders. They cause problems in my life. That's what disorders do. Asexuality doesn't cause problems in my life. Other people's reactions to asexuality might cause problems, but not asexuality itself. It causes me no distress. It doesn't reduce my quality of life in any way. Therefore, it is not a disorder or anything else that means "problem."

I very much agree with these bolded statements ^_^ though it took me a while to figure out my asexuality because at one point I thought it was my depression that caused me to not be interested in sex. I'm even on meds for my depression now and it hasn't changed my sexual attraction and/or desire to have sex from what I've noticed *knock on wood* :P and I hope it stays that way to be honest. I find even having a libido annoying at times.

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Fire & Rain

I tested my hormones levels for medical reasons long before I discovered asexuality. They turned out to be normal.

My libido is high.

I'm not on any meds.

No psychological issues.

I'm very much interested in aspects of sex especially kinks, fetishes and BDSM. I'm only disinterested in having it.

lol and it's all working down there.

I knew I was different and I was reading stuff about sexual orientations and it brought me to AVEN. The definition clicked with how I feel immediately.

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Although I was always kind of vaguely aware that I was different, until recently I never really gave my sexuality much thought. I knew that I wasn't attracted to other girls, so by default I was "straight"

Then, after getting into a relationship with a guy friend, I was forced to acknowledge that the way I was attracted to people was different than everyone else's. For a short time I thought that something was wrong with me because I was repulsed by the romantic things my ex would do for me, even though all my friends agreed it was adorable and I should be grateful.

Thankfully, very soon after I broke up with him, I stumbled across AVEN. It took a while to be fully comfortable with identifying as anything other than straight, but at least at that point I knew I wasn't alone and that I wasn't broken in any way. A few months later I mustered up the courage to join the forums, and the rest is history :lol:

Good luck with your school project; I hope it goes well. I'm not sure if my response helped in any way, but if you have any questions or anything I'd be happy to help out :)

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That never came up to my mind :mellow:

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Lauren+Bear

I knew it wasn't a disorder when I didn't experience sexual attraction on or off my antidepressants. Sure, the medication decreased my libido, but the actual sexual attraction wasn't there either way.

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AshenPhoenix

Locking this pending PT review. Due to the number of participants it should be noted that should this thread disappear, it is possible the thread has either failed review or is being taken down for further review.

AshenPhoenix, announcements moderator

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