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To our asexual partners this is why we want and need sex!


Mietsiekat

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Let me just say: Ewwww. Sometimes when people describe sexuals like that I'm not sure I'm really one of them. Whatever great things I may see in sex, it's certainly not romance, and actually the idea of putting it as such revolts me.

++++

I agree, that's gross, and not true for me. Sex is not the most important thing in my relationship.

I like sex, and I feel like it's a pretty heavy want, I get a little crazy if I don't get it, but I've gone without for a very long time and been just fine.

However all the things within the relationship that I gain from sex, the intimacy and all that excellence, predicates itself solely on the enthusiastic involvement of the partner.

I also get it from a million other little things.

It's very intimate to be part of someone's sexuality like that but it's not the only way to be intimate. It's not the end all be all of the relationship. I highly prefer it be in my life, since I enjoy it and I want to be having sex, but I really hate this like "sexuals only feel connected through sex and literally nothing else ever" rhetoric in here.

I do agree with this...

We do get intimacy from all other things like a deep kiss or warm cuddle. Sex is not the most important thing but to us sexuals it gives deeper intimacy with a partner who shares it enthusiastically. Its not just genitals and sweat and that makes it sound really gross.

That depends on the sexual. My partner gets nothing out of cuddling and we never do it because of that, only time he'd be willing to cuddle is directly after sex, but even then a lot of time when we did do that he'd just ask for sex 5 minutes after we just had sex.... And kisses to him are pretty much just a lead up to sex, so I rarely do that either. During sex, there is no kissing or anything "sweet" to it. My ex liked to kiss during and it was more like TV sex (the ABC/NBC type, not GoT type haha) but my current it's just... very physical, spend 40-60 minutes a day getting me off kinda sex, even attempting to do anything other than genital involvement beforehand gets a "So, can we get to it yet?" sort of response. So, getting intimacy out of sensual acts is up to the individual, not the orientation.

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The way most sexual women would feel about having sex twice a day (or how you'd say they feel) is exactly what most asexuals feel about having sex more than once a month. 'Specially about more than once a week, or even just once a week haha

(I would quote, but apparently I can't. o.O)

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The way most sexual women would feel about having sex twice a day (or how you'd say they feel) is exactly what most asexuals feel about having sex more than once a month. 'Specially about more than once a week, or even just once a week haha

(I would quote, but apparently I can't. o.O)

This would really depend on whether the asexual has a sex drive, no?

regardless, it's all dependent on the individuals involved. Some sexuals have a low sex drive and only want to have sex once a month. Some sexuals aren't happy unless they're having sex two/three times a week, or every day.

Some asexuals are sex repulsed, some are ambivalent, some have low sex drives, some have high sex drives.

This isn't some universal difference between people based on sexuality, based on my understanding of how people work. Obviously I only know some of the equation but I'm pretty sure of this.

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Ricecream-man

Erm, if they had sex drives they wouldn't be asexual

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Erm, if they had sex drives they wouldn't be asexual

sex drive != sexual attraction?

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but I really hate this like "sexuals only feel connected through sex and literally nothing else ever" rhetoric in here.

just to clarify, I said, TWICE, on either side of that sentence when I wtote it, I am WELL AWARE not *all* sexual people are like that, just all the ones I have personally come in contact with in my 'intimate' life (they were all pretty much like how Serran describes her partner, just with varying degrees of enjoyment of intimacy either side of the sex.. but the sex itself was an *extremely* important part of intimacy, for reasons the OP has outlined). And at the end of the day, yeah, they (still referring to the ones *I* have met, not sexuals in general) gain satisfaction from other things, it's just when the *can't* get the sex as well, that the other things stop meaning so much (stop meaning anything really) because "omg no sex ever? it's just selfish and cruel to expect your sexual partner to live in that hell, that metaphorical prison!" which is the actual topic being discussed right here lol. Again, I already said, not *all* sexuals are like that. It's more the OP (a sexual person) that was lumping you all into the "can't live without sex, no sex is like being locked in a cold, dark prison never allowed to see the light of day" category without even questioning if you all feel that way or not.


Erm, if they had sex drives they wouldn't be asexual
sex drive != sexual attraction?

Depends on what you mean by sex drive. I have a higher than average libido/high levels of whatever hormones it is that cause sexual arousal (TMI meaning I get hormonally aroused often for no reason and have to "deal with it myself" at least once a day, otherwise I get tense, get a sore stomach etc) but I don't have any 'drive' any desire to share the experience of 'relieving my libido' with another person.. even if I am having a higher than average 'libido spike', I do not enjoy partnered sex any more than I would on a rare non-libido day because I just don't want partnered sex/have no interest in it.. It's just not something I enjoy and I can't *want* something I don't enjoy, if that makes sense? Sure I'm attracted to my partner in aaall sorts of ways, just not in a way that would make me want the actual act of partnered sex with him.

So to me, sex drive is the actual desire to have partnered sex with another person to relieve one's libido (hormonal arousal) and in doing so experience mutual sexual pleasure.. Which really if you have that (that drive to have partnered sex for your own and/or for mutual sexual pleasure) then that goes against what asexuality is.. Sure asexuals *can* have sex, for varying reasons, they may even enjoy the physical sensations of the sex, they just don't have an actual drive to seek it out for their own sexual satisfaction.. why bother when one can masturbate to deal with ones libido? much less effort for the exact same outcome: Orgasm (a relief from the tension of arousal)

(That's how I see it anyway and yep I know there are aces here who strongly disagree with me but that's their business, not mine :cake:)

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Right, you can just masturbate and I can see why you'd prefer it, but surely you can understand why an ace with a libido who is in love wouldn't have an issue having sex instead of masturbating much of the time if they're both fairly equivalent.

Edit: Sex, btw, is not just PIV penetration, and can involve a variety of partnered sex acts. I keep forgetting that this space isn't necessarily completely free of heteronormative assumptions.

but I really hate this like "sexuals only feel connected through sex and literally nothing else ever" rhetoric in here.

just to clarify, I said, TWICE, on either side of that sentence when I wtote it, I am WELL AWARE not *all* sexual people are like that, just all the ones I have personally come in contact with in my 'intimate' life (they were all pretty much like how Serran describes her partner, just with varying degrees of enjoyment of intimacy either side of the sex.. but the sex itself was an *extremely* important part of intimacy, for reasons the OP has outlined). And at the end of the day, yeah, they (still referring to the ones *I* have met, not sexuals in general) gain satisfaction from other things, it's just when the *can't* get the sex as well, that the other things stop meaning so much (stop meaning anything really) because "omg no sex ever? it's just selfish and cruel to expect your sexual partner to live in that hell, that metaphorical prison!" which is the actual topic being discussed right here lol. Again, I already said, not *all* sexuals are like that. It's more the OP (a sexual person) that was lumping you all into the "can't live without sex, no sex is like being locked in a cold, dark prison never allowed to see the light of day" category without even questioning if you all feel that way or not.

I'm taking offense primarily to the sexuals who are plastering these myths about, although I suppose I have run into some aces that also think that sex is the height of romantic achievement for all sexuals.

Not offended by you, no.

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Ricecream-man

Right, you can just masturbate and I can see why you'd prefer it, but surely you can understand why an ace with a libido who is in love wouldn't have an issue having sex instead of masturbating much of the time if they're both fairly equivalent.

Edit: Sex, btw, is not just PIV penetration, and can involve a variety of partnered sex acts. I keep forgetting that this space isn't necessarily completely free of heteronormative assumptions.

It would depend on the ace and their view towards sexual activity. There are many different kinds of aces, some of which are sex repulsed in general. Some I've met aren't necessarily sex repulsed in general, but are repulsed by the change in personality that is seen in their partners during sexual activity. (Not all people change, but there are some people who are different during sex as compared to their more public personas) For those, sex is difficult because of the way it affects their views of their partners.

Also, they could differ for other reasons as well.

TMI Spoiler.

For females particularly, they may enjoy certain ways of relieving their libidos that are more surface friendly and their partner may enjoy PIV sex instead which could be difficult for the asexual female. There are also people who have the urge to relieve their libidos but don't enjoy it. There's an urge and the hormones may rage through them so they take care of the issue, however they consider it a chore and a waste of time.

but I really hate this like "sexuals only feel connected through sex and literally nothing else ever" rhetoric in here.

just to clarify, I said, TWICE, on either side of that sentence when I wtote it, I am WELL AWARE not *all* sexual people are like that, just all the ones I have personally come in contact with in my 'intimate' life (they were all pretty much like how Serran describes her partner, just with varying degrees of enjoyment of intimacy either side of the sex.. but the sex itself was an *extremely* important part of intimacy, for reasons the OP has outlined). And at the end of the day, yeah, they (still referring to the ones *I* have met, not sexuals in general) gain satisfaction from other things, it's just when the *can't* get the sex as well, that the other things stop meaning so much (stop meaning anything really) because "omg no sex ever? it's just selfish and cruel to expect your sexual partner to live in that hell, that metaphorical prison!" which is the actual topic being discussed right here lol. Again, I already said, not *all* sexuals are like that. It's more the OP (a sexual person) that was lumping you all into the "can't live without sex, no sex is like being locked in a cold, dark prison never allowed to see the light of day" category without even questioning if you all feel that way or not.

I'm taking offense primarily to the sexuals who are plastering these myths about, although I suppose I have run into some aces that also think that sex is the height of romantic achievement for all sexuals.

(Spoiler inserted to avoid quote wall)

I feel that those aren't myths. While many if not most sexuals don't fall under that category, I've met a few as well for whom sex really is more than a desire or urge but an actual psychological need.

Even the OP in her examples and explanations has shown her strong desire for sexual activity and how strong of an emotional connection it was for her. While it doesn't sound like it was the be all end all nor a psychological need it still came off as something very important to her.

The aces in question are usually either have had bad experiences, or had no experiences. From that perspective, the only information they have is either entirely negative or from those around them, and sex really is often portrayed as something special if it's between two people in love.

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Right, you can just masturbate and I can see why you'd prefer it, but surely you can understand why an ace with a libido who is in love wouldn't have an issue having sex instead of masturbating much of the time if they're both fairly equivalent.

Edit: Sex, btw, is not just PIV penetration, and can involve a variety of partnered sex acts. I keep forgetting that this space isn't necessarily completely free of heteronormative assumptions.

It would depend on the ace and their view towards sexual activity. There are many different kinds of aces, some of which are sex repulsed in general. Some I've met aren't necessarily sex repulsed in general, but are repulsed by the change in personality that is seen in their partners during sexual activity. (Not all people change, but there are some people who are different during sex as compared to their more public personas) For those, sex is difficult because of the way it affects their views of their partners.

Also, they could differ for other reasons as well.

TMI Spoiler.

For females particularly, they may enjoy certain ways of relieving their libidos that are more surface friendly and their partner may enjoy PIV sex instead which could be difficult for the asexual female. There are also people who have the urge to relieve their libidos but don't enjoy it. There's an urge and the hormones may rage through them so they take care of the issue, however they consider it a chore and a waste of time.

but I really hate this like "sexuals only feel connected through sex and literally nothing else ever" rhetoric in here.

just to clarify, I said, TWICE, on either side of that sentence when I wtote it, I am WELL AWARE not *all* sexual people are like that, just all the ones I have personally come in contact with in my 'intimate' life (they were all pretty much like how Serran describes her partner, just with varying degrees of enjoyment of intimacy either side of the sex.. but the sex itself was an *extremely* important part of intimacy, for reasons the OP has outlined). And at the end of the day, yeah, they (still referring to the ones *I* have met, not sexuals in general) gain satisfaction from other things, it's just when the *can't* get the sex as well, that the other things stop meaning so much (stop meaning anything really) because "omg no sex ever? it's just selfish and cruel to expect your sexual partner to live in that hell, that metaphorical prison!" which is the actual topic being discussed right here lol. Again, I already said, not *all* sexuals are like that. It's more the OP (a sexual person) that was lumping you all into the "can't live without sex, no sex is like being locked in a cold, dark prison never allowed to see the light of day" category without even questioning if you all feel that way or not.

I'm taking offense primarily to the sexuals who are plastering these myths about, although I suppose I have run into some aces that also think that sex is the height of romantic achievement for all sexuals.

(Spoiler inserted to avoid quote wall)

I feel that those aren't myths. While many if not most sexuals don't fall under that category, I've met a few as well for whom sex really is more than a desire or urge but an actual psychological need.

Even the OP in her examples and explanations has shown her strong desire for sexual activity and how strong of an emotional connection it was for her. While it doesn't sound like it was the be all end all nor a psychological need it still came off as something very important to her.

The aces in question are usually either have had bad experiences, or had no experiences. From that perspective, the only information they have is either entirely negative or from those around them, and sex really is often portrayed as something special if it's between two people in love.

I'm sure there's a full range of sex repulsed to just fine with and actively and happily having sex for various reasons (jus not reasons of sexual attraction) of asexuals before you even hit the demisexual spectrum.

That's literally my only point.

There's also a full range of sexuals that feel like they need to have sex at a regular basis with someone who wants them a lot in order to know real love and have a good relationship to sexuals that can never have sex even though they feel sexual attraction because it's just not necessarily of great importance to them.

Neither camp can take their personal experiences and speak for the entire community, which is kind of what this thread seems to be trying to do for me (although it sure does speak for the OP which is just as valid of a view), and what some of the responses seem to have been doing for the asexuals I know and love and are in my life (although those responses are great and informative about the individual perspectives and are just as representative as that piece of asexuality as anyone in my life).

One thing I do know, without a doubt, is that action != sexuality.

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Ricecream-man

Not quite sure what you're getting at here. My comments were only in response to what you said. If you meant something else, then I would be happy to see an elaboration of your earlier statements.

Also, the comments said here were mostly personal anecdotes and other seen examples where they shared their own experiences couple with the them telling/asking the OP to not try and pressure asexuals into having more sex. She may not have meant to do that, however that is the way that it was initially presented. Myself and many others who have responded have said that it is up to the individuals to decide what degree and amount of sexual activity is good for them.

I'm not sure if you wrote what you did as a general statement or a response to my own comments.

What exactly does "!=" mean. I've never seen that combination of symbols used in a literary format.

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What exactly does "!=" mean. I've never seen that combination of symbols used in a literary format.

That's "does not equal." Because the equal sign with a slash through it is tricky to type.

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Ricecream-man
What exactly does "!=" mean. I've never seen that combination of symbols used in a literary format.

That's "does not equal." Because the equal sign with a slash through it is tricky to type.

Ahh got it. I always used =/=. Thanks.

In that case I agree with you in that regard Allotasm.

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Right, you can just masturbate and I can see why you'd prefer it, but surely you can understand why an ace with a libido who is in love wouldn't have an issue having sex instead of masturbating much of the time if they're both fairly equivalent. Edit: Sex, btw, is not just PIV penetration, and can involve a variety of partnered sex acts. I keep forgetting that this space isn't necessarily completely free of heteronormative assumptions.

I am an ace with a high libido who is in love lol..that doesn't make sex any more "okay" for me, okay? If my partner wanted sex, he wouldn't get it. Ever. And my high libido didn't make me enjoy it more or make it any more okay with my ex.. I still loathed every second of the sex we had (edit: I only gave my ex sex because I truly thought that was what was expected of me and that all women feel the way I do about it, they just grin and bare [edit: I meant bear lol oops] it.. yeah I was a very naive 18 year old)

Some aces with libidos are okay with giving their sexual partner sex.. some aces *without* libidos are okay giving their partner sex. Some aces are never okay with giving anyone sex, regardless of their libido or whether or not they masturbate or how in love they are or any other factor.. that's just how it is.

And to me, masturbating and actually having partnered sex are *extremely* different things, just to make that clear. I can orgasm from masturbating (though I don't enjoy it it's just something that has to be done, like using the loo) ..but I literally feel *nothing* except pressure, physical discomfort, and boredom while having my genitals stimulated in any way by another person (and yes, I have been with men *and* women, lots of them)

And I said partnered genital/sexual pleasure, I never said just penis in vagina sex. partnered genital pleasure is ANY activity involving mutual genital stimulation for sexual pleasure be that oral, fingering, feet on penis whatever.. gender doesn't make any difference, anyone can share genital stimulation for mutual sexual pleasure if that's what both partners enjoy.

EDIT: and re. sex repulsion, just for the record, I am not sex repulsed in any way, shape or form.

I find absolutely no aspect of sexual activity gross or yucky or anything like that (that includes body fluids, which I happen to have a non-sexual fetish for lol, and I don't find genitals or naked bodies weird or icky, quite the opposite actually) ..and I have no issue with other people having sex or talking about sex or anything of the sort, I actually love talking about sex, the more graphic the better I say lol.

I literally just do not enjoy having partnered sex myself, at all, EVER, and that's all there is to it.

But there is no sex repulsion on my part :) It just seems like a lot of people here think it's only repulsed aces who don't want/enjoy sex.. that is not true, at all.

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The way most sexual women would feel about having sex twice a day (or how you'd say they feel) is exactly what most asexuals feel about having sex more than once a month. 'Specially about more than once a week, or even just once a week haha

(I would quote, but apparently I can't. o.O)

This would really depend on whether the asexual has a sex drive, no?

regardless, it's all dependent on the individuals involved. Some sexuals have a low sex drive and only want to have sex once a month. Some sexuals aren't happy unless they're having sex two/three times a week, or every day.

Some asexuals are sex repulsed, some are ambivalent, some have low sex drives, some have high sex drives.

This isn't some universal difference between people based on sexuality, based on my understanding of how people work. Obviously I only know some of the equation but I'm pretty sure of this.

I didn't say all asexuals would have that reaction, I said most would . . . which is evident, I think, by several of the posts in this thread by asexuals.

(Of course, "running away and screaming" is just an exaggeration. I like to think that most asexual people understand that just because someone wants sex frequently doesn't they're just in it for the sex itself.)

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9 out of 10 (sexual, married, mothers) that I have met or are friends with feel their husbands only see them as a piece of 'meat'. Yup that is the word they use. That their husbands just want sex all the time. So I ask what is all the time? they say:"2-3 times a week". And I think what the hell are you on about? So as I said I think MOST sexual women would never give sex twice a day based on this.

I personally(emphasis on the I) would later also find this more of a chore.

But once or twice a week would be something I would enjoy very much.

Right, you can just masturbate and I can see why you'd prefer it, but surely you can understand why an ace with a libido who is in love wouldn't have an issue having sex instead of masturbating much of the time if they're both fairly equivalent.

Edit: Sex, btw, is not just PIV penetration, and can involve a variety of partnered sex acts. I keep forgetting that this space isn't necessarily completely free of heteronormative assumptions.

It would depend on the ace and their view towards sexual activity. There are many different kinds of aces, some of which are sex repulsed in general. Some I've met aren't necessarily sex repulsed in general, but are repulsed by the change in personality that is seen in their partners during sexual activity. (Not all people change, but there are some people who are different during sex as compared to their more public personas) For those, sex is difficult because of the way it affects their views of their partners.

Also, they could differ for other reasons as well.

TMI Spoiler.

For females particularly, they may enjoy certain ways of relieving their libidos that are more surface friendly and their partner may enjoy PIV sex instead which could be difficult for the asexual female. There are also people who have the urge to relieve their libidos but don't enjoy it. There's an urge and the hormones may rage through them so they take care of the issue, however they consider it a chore and a waste of time.

but I really hate this like "sexuals only feel connected through sex and literally nothing else ever" rhetoric in here.

just to clarify, I said, TWICE, on either side of that sentence when I wtote it, I am WELL AWARE not *all* sexual people are like that, just all the ones I have personally come in contact with in my 'intimate' life (they were all pretty much like how Serran describes her partner, just with varying degrees of enjoyment of intimacy either side of the sex.. but the sex itself was an *extremely* important part of intimacy, for reasons the OP has outlined). And at the end of the day, yeah, they (still referring to the ones *I* have met, not sexuals in general) gain satisfaction from other things, it's just when the *can't* get the sex as well, that the other things stop meaning so much (stop meaning anything really) because "omg no sex ever? it's just selfish and cruel to expect your sexual partner to live in that hell, that metaphorical prison!" which is the actual topic being discussed right here lol. Again, I already said, not *all* sexuals are like that. It's more the OP (a sexual person) that was lumping you all into the "can't live without sex, no sex is like being locked in a cold, dark prison never allowed to see the light of day" category without even questioning if you all feel that way or not.

I'm taking offense primarily to the sexuals who are plastering these myths about, although I suppose I have run into some aces that also think that sex is the height of romantic achievement for all sexuals.

(Spoiler inserted to avoid quote wall)

I feel that those aren't myths. While many if not most sexuals don't fall under that category, I've met a few as well for whom sex really is more than a desire or urge but an actual psychological need.

Even the OP in her examples and explanations has shown her strong desire for sexual activity and how strong of an emotional connection it was for her. While it doesn't sound like it was the be all end all nor a psychological need it still came off as something very important to her.

The aces in question are usually either have had bad experiences, or had no experiences. From that perspective, the only information they have is either entirely negative or from those around them, and sex really is often portrayed as something special if it's between two people in love.

I'm sure there's a full range of sex repulsed to just fine with and actively and happily having sex for various reasons (jus not reasons of sexual attraction) of asexuals before you even hit the demisexual spectrum.

That's literally my only point.

There's also a full range of sexuals that feel like they need to have sex at a regular basis with someone who wants them a lot in order to know real love and have a good relationship to sexuals that can never have sex even though they feel sexual attraction because it's just not necessarily of great importance to them.

Neither camp can take their personal experiences and speak for the entire community, which is kind of what this thread seems to be trying to do for me (although it sure does speak for the OP which is just as valid of a view), and what some of the responses seem to have been doing for the asexuals I know and love and are in my life (although those responses are great and informative about the individual perspectives and are just as representative as that piece of asexuality as anyone in my life).

One thing I do know, without a doubt, is that action != sexuality.

Ricecream-man I think what you said here is extremely accurate in MY case. Thank you.

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(edit: I only gave my ex sex because I truly thought that was what was expected of me and that all women feel the way I do about it, they just grin and bare it.. yeah I was a very naive 18 year old)

Quite possibly the only instance I've encountered where saying it as "grin and bare it" might actually be appropriate

(it's actually supposed to be "grin and bear it"... to "bear" is to endure; to "bare" is to... well, strip)

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(edit: I only gave my ex sex because I truly thought that was what was expected of me and that all women feel the way I do about it, they just grin and bare it.. yeah I was a very naive 18 year old)

Quite possibly the only instance I've encountered where saying it as "grin and bare it" might actually be appropriate

(it's actually supposed to be "grin and bear it"... to "bear" is to endure; to "bare" is to... well, strip)

haha yeah trying to type a million miles an hour on my little phone screen really doesn't go too well.. I keep finding all sorts of bizarre grammatical screw-ups in posts I make from my phone that wouldn't normally happen while using an actual keyboard :P

So as I said I think MOST sexual women would never give sex twice a day based on this.

I personally(emphasis on the I) would later also find this more of a chore.

Yeah twice a day was a living hell for me lol, like a never ending nightmare :P often I couldn't even walk properly because of the pain I was in afterwards..

This is why I think education about asexuality is sooo important. If I had just known about asexuality from the beginning, I would have known that this is what I am and would have made sure I only sought relationships with other asexuals, or sexuals who were absolutely fine to *never* have sex (but still remain in a fully monogamous, committed relationship) but I had never heard of asexuality and didn't imagine such a thing would exist.. I figured I was a regular bisexual person who needed to be 'fixed' although my dream relationship was a sexless one.. I figured it was wrong to feel that, and that in itself needed to be fixed as well as my lack of enjoyment of sex ..

The doctor confirmed my belief that I needed to be fixed by telling me that as I was very healthy, young, had never been abused, didn't have negative attitudes toward sex, knew how to masturbate etc, I just needed to keep on having sex, and eventually I would learn to enjoy it... *sigh* ..And I have met lots of people (men and women) who have been in situations like mine and suffered for years (sometimes decades) before finally having discovered asexuality.

Asexuals and potential sexual partners would benefit greatly from wider understanding and acceptance of asexuality, as more asexuals could enter the dating world with full knowledge of their asexuality and therefore make potential partners aware of their sexual orientation before a relationship develops. This way both partners could make fully informed decisions about whether or not sexual compromise will be possible from the get-go.. instead of finding out a year in that they are both just utterly incompatible sexually.

I haven't had sex since 2011 (when I left my ex) and I know I will never have it again.. I cannot quite express the sense of relief I feel, knowing that I am fine and normal just the way I am and that sex is literally something that will never be expected of me again ^_^ ..let alone ever having to have it twice a day again haha noooooo thanks!!!

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Right, you can just masturbate and I can see why you'd prefer it, but surely you can understand why an ace with a libido who is in love wouldn't have an issue having sex instead of masturbating much of the time if they're both fairly equivalent.

To some they're equivalent, but just as a sexual experiences it differently when someone else stimulates them, the same can be true for an asexual, and often they experience it in a negative way.

There are at least three distinct ways that affect how one feels about sex. Physical, mental/instinctive and mental/psychological. Physical is libido, which a lot of asexuals have in one form or another. Mental/instinctive is how you instinctively react to sexual acts, it can range from pleasure over boredom to discomfort. Some asexuals can feel (a small amount) of pleasure, but not all, and it's unrelated to libido/how you feel about masturbation. Mental/psychological is how the idea of sex sits with your self-perception and all that, it can range from sex-repulsed to sex-positive, almost all asexuals are neutral to sex-repulsed in this regard (but we have some exceptions to that as well), as they lack the attraction that would really make them feel positive about sex.

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Right, you can just masturbate and I can see why you'd prefer it, but surely you can understand why an ace with a libido who is in love wouldn't have an issue having sex instead of masturbating much of the time if they're both fairly equivalent.

To some they're equivalent, but just as a sexual experiences it differently when someone else stimulates them, the same can be true for an asexual, and often they experience it in a negative way.

There are at least three distinct ways that affect how one feels about sex. Physical, mental/instinctive and mental/psychological. Physical is libido, which a lot of asexuals have in one form or another. Mental/instinctive is how you instinctively react to sexual acts, it can range from pleasure over boredom to discomfort. Some asexuals can feel (a small amount) of pleasure, but not all, and it's unrelated to libido/how you feel about masturbation. Mental/psychological is how the idea of sex sits with your self-perception and all that, it can range from sex-repulsed to sex-positive, almost all asexuals are neutral to sex-repulsed in this regard (but we have some exceptions to that as well), as they lack the attraction that would really make them feel positive about sex.

Yeah, the amount of asexuals I have seen that find sex and masturbation equal is pretty small. Most the ones I have discussed it with MUCH prefer masturbation, even some of the ones that actually enjoy sex when it happens. So, sure, IF you are asexual, sex-positive AND find sex a suitable thing for settling your libido when you need to... it wouldn't be a big deal. Otherwise, it's still a big deal.

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Right, you can just masturbate and I can see why you'd prefer it, but surely you can understand why an ace with a libido who is in love wouldn't have an issue having sex instead of masturbating much of the time if they're both fairly equivalent.

I don't know about that. I have a very high libido, but I still wouldn't want or care for sex. A lot of libidoist (sp?) sexuals I've talked to are the same way. But of course, there are exceptions to everything. . . .

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butterscotchwm

I have not read all of the comments because there were just way too many of them. But I thought this was an interesting read. I still cannot wrap my head around the concept of needing to mingle your genitals with someone in order to get a sense of intimacy... BUT if that's what floats your boat, then that's what floats your boat.

However, I started feeling really weird during the middle to end of your post when I got the sense that you were taking this very personally... As if you were asking US why we would deprive our partners (or even YOU) of sex! It all made sense when you mentioned at the end that your husband was gray-ace. I can see that you were really talking to your husband here. And it's interesting how you think asexuals just find sex to be either repulsive or "demeaning."

So anyways, as you have so graciously given us a sexual perspective, I would like to share my own asexual perspective...

OP: "Before meeting my husband I was in a sexually and verbally abusive relationship where I was forced into believing I liked things that I hated. I completely understand what it feels like to find sex demeaning."

This is really comparing apples to oranges. Asexuals do not find sex itself to be abusive in all cases - that is not the issue. I would not use the word "demeaning" to describe my feelings toward sex... I would actually use the word "unnatural." Now, I'm assuming that you are heterosexual, but imagine trying to be in a relationship with someone of the same gender, even if you are not inherently attracted to people of the same gender. Now imagine trying to have sex with them... A heterosexual person would probably feel "weird" and a sense of "this doesn't feel right!" because of their lack of sexual preference towards that person. It wouldn't matter how much they loved them, or if their relationship was not abusive.

So again, it's not really demeaning, it just doesn't feel right. It's not within my nature to have sex with anyone because I just don't see anyone in that way. I don't even know what that way feels like...

It's not demeaning, it's just unnatural to us, mostly.

Now, it WOULD be demeaning if the partner guilted or forced sex onto their asexual partner. But that's different.

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This is really comparing apples to oranges. Asexuals do not find sex itself to be abusive in all cases - that is not the issue. I would not use the word "demeaning" to describe my feelings toward sex... I would actually use the word "unnatural." Now, I'm assuming that you are heterosexual, but imagine trying to be in a relationship with someone of the same gender, even if you are not inherently attracted to people of the same gender. Now imagine trying to have sex with them... A heterosexual person would probably feel "weird" and a sense of "this doesn't feel right!" because of their lack of sexual preference towards that person. It wouldn't matter how much they loved them, or if their relationship was not abusive.

For those of us whose romantic and sexual orientation aligns (so most everyone), it is inconceivable that you could love someone (in the non-platonic way) without desiring sexuality in any way, shape or form with that person.

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This is really comparing apples to oranges. Asexuals do not find sex itself to be abusive in all cases - that is not the issue. I would not use the word "demeaning" to describe my feelings toward sex... I would actually use the word "unnatural." Now, I'm assuming that you are heterosexual, but imagine trying to be in a relationship with someone of the same gender, even if you are not inherently attracted to people of the same gender. Now imagine trying to have sex with them... A heterosexual person would probably feel "weird" and a sense of "this doesn't feel right!" because of their lack of sexual preference towards that person. It wouldn't matter how much they loved them, or if their relationship was not abusive.

For those of us whose romantic and sexual orientation aligns (so most everyone), it is inconceivable that you could love someone (in the non-platonic way) without desiring sexuality in any way, shape or form with that person.

I don't think butterscotchwm was talking about in a romantic way. I could be wrong.

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I have not read all of the comments because there were just way too many of them. But I thought this was an interesting read. I still cannot wrap my head around the concept of needing to mingle your genitals with someone in order to get a sense of intimacy... BUT if that's what floats your boat, then that's what floats your boat.

However, I started feeling really weird during the middle to end of your post when I got the sense that you were taking this very personally... As if you were asking US why we would deprive our partners (or even YOU) of sex! It all made sense when you mentioned at the end that your husband was gray-ace. I can see that you were really talking to your husband here. And it's interesting how you think asexuals just find sex to be either repulsive or "demeaning."

So anyways, as you have so graciously given us a sexual perspective, I would like to share my own asexual perspective...

OP: "Before meeting my husband I was in a sexually and verbally abusive relationship where I was forced into believing I liked things that I hated. I completely understand what it feels like to find sex demeaning."

This is really comparing apples to oranges. Asexuals do not find sex itself to be abusive in all cases - that is not the issue. I would not use the word "demeaning" to describe my feelings toward sex... I would actually use the word "unnatural." Now, I'm assuming that you are heterosexual, but imagine trying to be in a relationship with someone of the same gender, even if you are not inherently attracted to people of the same gender. Now imagine trying to have sex with them... A heterosexual person would probably feel "weird" and a sense of "this doesn't feel right!" because of their lack of sexual preference towards that person. It wouldn't matter how much they loved them, or if their relationship was not abusive.

So again, it's not really demeaning, it just doesn't feel right. It's not within my nature to have sex with anyone because I just don't see anyone in that way. I don't even know what that way feels like...

It's not demeaning, it's just unnatural to us, mostly.

Now, it WOULD be demeaning if the partner guilted or forced sex onto their asexual partner. But that's different.

Yes butterscotchwm I wish with all my heart my husband would read this...hes not interested though!

Uhm just to clarify as you didnt read all comments...one response was that it would feel like rape to them and how she cried at the thought of sex(which I read into as being demeaning). that was my response as I know what forced into things feels like.

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butterscotchwm

This is really comparing apples to oranges. Asexuals do not find sex itself to be abusive in all cases - that is not the issue. I would not use the word "demeaning" to describe my feelings toward sex... I would actually use the word "unnatural." Now, I'm assuming that you are heterosexual, but imagine trying to be in a relationship with someone of the same gender, even if you are not inherently attracted to people of the same gender. Now imagine trying to have sex with them... A heterosexual person would probably feel "weird" and a sense of "this doesn't feel right!" because of their lack of sexual preference towards that person. It wouldn't matter how much they loved them, or if their relationship was not abusive.

For those of us whose romantic and sexual orientation aligns (so most everyone), it is inconceivable that you could love someone (in the non-platonic way) without desiring sexuality in any way, shape or form with that person.

Yeah I understand that. But it's just the way we are! The point is, love and sex are two different things. If people can be sexually attracted to others without being in love with them, then there could also be people who are in love with others without being sexually attracted to them.

Yes butterscotchwm I wish with all my heart my husband would read this...hes not interested though!

Uhm just to clarify as you didnt read all comments...one response was that it would feel like rape to them and how she cried at the thought of sex(which I read into as being demeaning). that was my response as I know what forced into things feels like.

I'm sorry about this situation with your husband! I wish I could help...

Ah. Well I can really only speak for myself, and I don't know anything about that one particular person. But I can kinda relate. Because of my sexual repulsion and how sexually non-attracted I am to people, I don't think I would ever say yes - or if I did, I would not feel like myself afterwards. Because, as I said, it is not in my nature. So perhaps it would feel like rape to me, too.

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As far as sex twice a day, I think most sexual women would run away screaming they hate sex too!!! Because that could only be about physical gratification. Which is not what I am personally looking for.

A good friend of mine confessed to me that his girlfriend (now fiancee) wanted to have sex multiple times a day and that it was exhausting for him to try to keep up with her desire for sex, so certainly not all sexual women feel the same.

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For those of us whose romantic and sexual orientation aligns (so most everyone), it is inconceivable that you could love someone (in the non-platonic way) without desiring sexuality in any way, shape or form with that person.

For me, at least, (I am a hard-liner sex-repulsed Ace), to me sex in absolutely no shape or form immediately or magically means you are more connected, have a better relationship, are closer, love someone more, etc. You can have mind-blowing sex with your partner only to have them leave the next day for someone else. you can have mind-blowing sex and they can turn so crazy you need a PFA.

I mean, you can go out and *buy* sex. It's a commodity. it's like saying people who have more money will definitely love me more than people who aren't as well off. "If you aren't spending money on me, you simply do not love me, and I don't feel any connection to you."

NO, it's not that we don't love you, it's that you equate a shopping spree with devotion and love. I don't get it. Devotion and love is proven over time and not in a once-a-week hopefully mind blowing sex session.

To a hard-liner like me, that's what it sounds like. Sometimes the best thing you can do for me is give me lots of space and leave me alone. Sometimes just LISTENING to what I say is special and noteworthy in itself; I find that most of the time, listening is something people just don't bother to do, and I repeat myself twice or three times when I was perfectly heard the first time.

Sex and reproduction (having children) to me isn't making me magically immortal. I am very mortal and I came to terms with that long ago. My (hypothetical) children are not me, and I think people are insulting themselves when they think this. I am not a Rockefeller. i do not need to "keep my family name" in the works. I have little to do with almost all of my family....who cares if their name dies out?

These are some reasons why I do not see something that can be bought and sold on the market (much like a shopping spree) as EQUAL to an intimate, magically connecting encounter. I can hire a psychotherapist to listen to me, but that isn't the same as a good friend listening to me.

And i've had enough with "listening" friends, too, who have betrayed me after over a decade of friendship...so that really isn't even a sign in and of itself of a "connected" relationship. It takes two to tango, and behavior long term is more telling to me than maybe a 5 minutes to a half-hour fluid swap.

I'm just trying to write down what goes through my mind when I read "I am upset I'm not getting sex because I'm not connected!"

Another edit: i'm just writing down WHY i'm such a hard-liner in the hopes it will help the OP undesrstand where we are coming from; the thread in many points understandably has devolved into argument and not reaching out or discussion.

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WhenSummersGone

It happens that one person can still love their ex yet not have sex with them. Hell I haven't even seen my ex in years and I still have feelings for him. Romantic love can exist without expressing that love sexually or any other way really.

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Sex isn't the definition of love. Neither is sensuality. I express my love for my SO in different ways than sex. Does this mean I don't truly love them? Of course not! If you don't respect my boundaries you're obviously not my true lover.

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Down in Texas

Hello Everyone...

I read through numerous threads in the past week and came to realize that alot of questions are centered around either 'what sexuals see in sex', 'what is it with sexuals and sex(also boobs,butts etc)' or 'why they need sex'. I feel the need to express myself on this issue in the context of marriage especially. (Why in marriage esp? Because of the fact that two individuals made a consentuous decision that they want to spend the rest of their lives with one person in particular.)!

By writing this I want to express my feelings and views on sex as a sexual, give a little more insight to asexuals on the subject of sex and maybe give sexuals a better way to explain their feelings to their partner. I am not a psychologist, but a real sexual (woman) who deals with alot of these emotions daily. I am sure some people will agree and some won't! I am also not attacking anyone in any way!!!

So here goes...

I would like to start by explainig what marriage means to me...

When two people marry they have make a decision that they choose one person to be their life long companion. That means a best friend, a support system, a lover, a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen when no one else wants to, someone who will protect your heart, and most importantly someone you can trust to be honest even in the worst of circumstances. Sex to sexuals(in this context) is not seen as a physical deed, something that we do only to get physical gratification. It's more complicated than that. This is where sex is no longer just sex anymore, and then turns into making love with your partner.

Okay so I see alot of eyerolling and thoughts that these two things are the same.

They however are not.

The latter means that emotions are connected to our every action during this process we share with our partners. And you might think so it is with kissing, holding hands, cuddling spending time with your partner...Then I ask asexuals what then seperates your husband or wife from your dearest friend whom you greet with a kiss, your sister who's hand you held as a child and the mother you cuddled when she went through a bad seperation?

The answer is physically NOTHING!

When sexuals share a sexual act with a spouse we break down our strongholds, we lay our emotions bare for the world to see, we become totally vunerable in the hands of that one person. We give ourselves to you completely as and act of the deepest emotionally connected form of love possible. This is the closest form of intamacy for us. This one thing we share with you seperates us from the rest.

It is not the act of sex but the feeling of intimacy that we crave.

Why does a lack of sex upset us so much?

Well mostly because we share ourselves wholeheartedly and with rejection we feel that our spouses dont share our level of love and emotions. This is heartbreaking.

This to us is the most pure form of love. And we are giving it only to recieve nothing in return. We become self concious and self esteem drops and then we start looking for a solution...'am I too fat, does my breath smell, am I generally not attractive enough'...and all because we need that extra intimacy which we are denied because sex is seen as a 'fruitless unpleasureable act'.

We need and crave deeper intimacy, we are not nymphomaniacs, or sex obsessed sociopaths.

And some of us love your butt because its your sexiest asset or your boobs because they make you feminine etc. We are not born with a sex manual in hand, so when we do something a bit rough or too often(due to a lack of experience), educate us and experiment with us until we discover what works best for both of us rather than rejecting us.

Relationships are about 50% compromise on both sides concerning all aspects!

So why does your asexuality suddenly get classed as something with more substance than his/her sexuality?

For example: You absolutely love the outdoors, but your partner has recently admitted he/she is too jealous to have anyone else see you. He/She locks you in a room and only lets you out on his/her terms once a month...would you feel loved and respected?

(Edit - Lets say ignore the above example and use the following as this is something we can relate to:

You have always enjoyed eating steak with your partner,because its something that they proved to you could be enjoyable when they introduced you to it. After years of good steak memories your partner goes vegan an does not want you to cook steak anymore. They give you no reason and leave you wondering and yearning for steak.

I am suddenly afraid to say this in fear of being attacked again. But maybe its a better example)

This is what 'ALLOWING' your partner sex once a month feels like. I say the word compromise again. Is it really so much to ask for something we emotionally crave once a week. To show us the love we hear about but rarely truely intimately experience. That is 52 days a year where you share yourself with us in comparison to the 313 days we suffer emotionally. Even an unfair compromise like that would sit just fine with our hearts.

(Here by allowing I was referring to statements made in previous threads by people which yes made me think of a calender...i feel its unfair to do it that way. I for one would never force my husband into anything...but he doesnt have a problem with sex just frequency issues...I am begging for a bit more compromise from him here...But in the confusion of not knowing what is going on it is very possible to think of sex daily in trying to find some type of solution! I maybe phrased it wrong not knowing it came out harsh.)

We love you everyday of our sexual lives because you are our one and only. Our beginning and our end. The box where our hearts lie.

Please try to understand our weird ways and help us where we go wrong.

(Edit as promised)

I never intended to attack anyone of a special orientation...simply to explain that sex is not just sex to us.

Before meeting my husband I was in a sexually and verbally abusive relationship where I was forced into believing I liked things that I hated. I completely understand what it feels like to find sex demeaning.

I met my husband and he showed me how beautiful it could be if and when someone handles you with care. I married a man who is a wonderful person but he suddenly after marriage stopped showing me affection. I never for one second new what I had done or what the reason was for it. I was lucky enough (and even now) to maybe once in two months! so by no means am I sex obsessed. He recently identified as Gray. I would even be happy with once in two weeks if that.

So please everyone I do understand both sides and I am sorry for making it seem one sided)

I would like to start by saying it has taken me two days to read all of the post on this thread before replying. I would also like to acknowledge that I am a sexual female married to a Gray-A (by his own definition). I speak only from my own experience with my Gray-A. I do not wish to infer any of his likes or dislikes to any other person. Above all I wish this to be very clear.

I think the whole thread missed the most important part of this topic. I have highlighted the section that I feel is the most important part of Mietiekat original post.

To MY understanding of what Mietiekat is really looking for is an explanation as to why things changes so drastically from what she understood her husband to be, either before marriage or during the early stages of marriage until it dropped off to almost nothing? What I feel her big question is what changed? Why was it so GOOD, “I met my husband and he showed me how beautiful it could be if and when someone handles you with care. Then with our warning, it turned on its head and came to a screeching halt or a drastic reduction to what she had come to expect as normal sexual behavior in her marriage. What I see her asking is if it was so good and the frequency was there once why can’t it return to just a portion of what it once was? I can understand that question because it happened to me also.

I have posted on many threads in this section of AVEN “For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies” and anyone that has read my post will know that I am saying the same thing here. Once I married it was as if my husband turn a switch and became someone I didn’t really know, he was not the same person I dated he did not act the same nor did he communicate as openly as he had before we married. It was as if I had married a completely different person. It took me 38+years to finally find the answers here on AVEN, and a lot of arguments with some to finally get to the place that I am today. If you had told me two years ago that I would end up basically Celibate I would have told you I would Never be, yet here I am today almost wishing I were. After learning just exactly what all is involved with the thoughts and lack of thoughts that are a defining part of MY Gray A I have to admit that sex is no longer the thrill that it once was and I am not sure it ever will be again. Unfortunately that leaves me in a relationship that though is LOVING and deeply committed lacks the one factor that I once felt was the GREATEST and most fulfilling part of a marriage. Can you go on YES but it has taken years of heartache and finally the realization that I am the only one that can truly change in order for it to go forward without the everyday heartache of feeling rejected. I have always known that my husband Loves me. I have never questioned his love only his way of showing it that I had expected from his action prior to marriage and during the early stages of marriage even if I was the one initiating all of the sex we ever had. In the beginning he may have turned me down but when we did have sex it was good. The thing that brought me here was when the sex became difficult for him to even allow for it to happen and he could offer no explanation.

It was then while looking for answers that I finally found AVEN and things started to make sense. Yet even with them making sense I had trouble understanding why they worked for so many years and now suddenly no longer worked. It is this that I still struggle with the most. If he enjoyed sex enough in the beginning for sex to be what it was, why can’t it still be that way? I think for us SEXUALS that this sudden change is the hardest thing for us to understand! This is where the compromising becomes an issue and where others that have never had this level of participation and seemingly with equal enthusiasm and apparent enjoyment what makes the sudden change occur and once it does why is it so hard to meet part way back to what was once NORMAL between us?

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