To our asexual partners this is why we want and need sex!

[Mietsiekat]

Timbre as I said before, you are actually so offended by this that you feel the need to call names and question my intelligence. I dont make excuses I explain further, but seeing as you are barely out of diapers and not married I dont see how you could give any input on this...I really dont mind constructive criticism, and most people here even if offended, did not resort to the little bitch fit you had because you do not agree. Maybe if you learn to treat people with a bit more respect and grow up a little you might find that some might actually like you. Have you ever considered that your attitude might be the problem and that could be the reason why some rather leave than stay. Your opinion is apparently the only one that matters. You have repeated yourself 3 times now and as none of us are invalids you can stop we dont need to hear it a fourth time.

[Lydian]

Timbre as I said before, you are actually so offended by this that you feel the need to call names and question my intelligence. I dont make excuses I explain further, but seeing as you are barely out of diapers and not married I dont see how you could give any input on this...I really dont mind constructive criticism, and most people here even if offended, did not resort to the little bitch fit you had because you do not agree. Maybe if you learn to treat people with a bit more respect and grow up a little you might find that some might actually like you. Have you ever considered that your attitude might be the problem and that could be the reason why some rather leave than stay. Your opinion is apparently the only one that matters. You have repeated yourself 3 times now and as none of us are invalids you can stop we dont need to hear it a fourth time.

I left my boyfriend actually, not the reverse but nice try at throwing petty insults. I wouldn't have to repeat myself if you actually realized seemed like you understood but you clearly don't despite others saying it too. Also as someone who was greatly harmed by posts like yours leading me to believe I was in the wrong for denying my partner sex, I think I'm quite in the right to give my input as to why what you're saying is harmful. As I said, I have no problem with you giving an opinion or stating why sex is important to you.

If you actually knew anything about me you'd know I'm equally frustrated and often stand up to people trying to shame or blame their sexual partner or others for wanting sex. There's certainly nothing wrong with feeling that way, and there's nothing wrong with deciding it's something you need in a relationship or it's not going to work. If your post was merely that I wouldn't have any problem with you expressing such feelings as it's completely within your rights to have and feel them. Your post actually started out fine in the beginning and contrary to what some people think, asexual people don't always just know why their partner wants sex or why it's so important. Sharing those feelings is fine. You don't need to get defensive on that front. I get it, it's hard. I went through a lot of guilt for feeling like I was some sort of burden on my boyfriend because I just couldn't give him what he needed. I thought I had to and agreed for a time only to break down and go back on my word because I realized I was starting to hate myself and the way I am and I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I'd just like it if you'd realize that implying it's the other person's job to satisfy you is harmful and goes beyond just being an opinion. It's literally you telling me that my partner suffers because they're with me and that I'm wrong for withholding sex. For someone who's been abused in the past, I'd have expected more compassion.

[Bad_Mr_Tree]

Timbre as I said before, you are actually so offended by this that you feel the need to call names and question my intelligence. I dont make excuses I explain further, but seeing as you are barely out of diapers and not married I dont see how you could give any input on this...I really dont mind constructive criticism, and most people here even if offended, did not resort to the little bitch fit you had because you do not agree. Maybe if you learn to treat people with a bit more respect and grow up a little you might find that some might actually like you. Have you ever considered that your attitude might be the problem and that could be the reason why some rather leave than stay. Your opinion is apparently the only one that matters. You have repeated yourself 3 times now and as none of us are invalids you can stop we dont need to hear it a fourth time.

I've learned from members on this forum who are both older and younger than me and you can as well if you are open to it.

There is far more to relationships than marital status, and anyone who has been in a relationship has an experience that they can share.

[zoidberger]

Timbre said

"Your post actually started out fine in the beginning and contrary to what some people think, asexual people don't always just know why their partner wants sex or why it's so important. Sharing those feelings is fine. You don't need to get defensive on that front. I get it, it's hard."

So I think this hits the point on the head. The explanation of why sex is important to you (the OP) was good. It may help people that really haven't thought about the intimacy/connection. If they have the ability to give more, and that explanation helps, great! If the OP just wanted to get this point across it should have stopped there and you'd have lots of people in agreement.

That said, the OP went on to suggest that because that intimacy/connection with sex is so important, it should be treated as more of a necessity (and thus an asexual should try harder to satisfy this need). This is where asexuals in this thread jumped in and said, "okay, I understand it's necessary/important for you... but not having sex (or not having sex as regularly) is necessary to me because...(insert reasons)."

[PatheticGirl]

Mietsiektat

We asexual who aren't sex repulsed for their partners happiness do go with sex. But, we can't force ourselves to want them physically. And then complain comes "I want to feel wanted, I can't have sex with someone who doesn't want me"... I can act on sex but I can't force the feelings... I understand sex connects you emotionally but I can't force myself to want you sexually.

Sex is primal need because reproduction is nature's way to provide immortality to one's state. But they why we got exceptions of homo or asexuality can't be explained. Though they explain why world is dominated by heterosexual.

As you said what is difference between spouse, parents, friends which whom we hug... I think in asexual world we love everyone alike. The way we love parents or friends, we will love someone special too. There will be difference who becomes our most priority. What extent we will go to make you happy, how much we enjoy with you, etc etc

We understand you but do you understand us?

[Guest]

As you said what is difference between spouse, parents, friends which whom we hug... I think in asexual world we love everyone alike. The way we love parents or friends, we will love someone special too. There will be difference who becomes our most priority. What extent we will go to make you happy, how much we enjoy with you, etc etc

You can only speak for yourself in that. For me, friends/family are closer together, but romantic is very different (not better, but still different). :)

[Phaetion]

I think the problem of sexuals not seeing things through the lens of asexuals and vice versa is becoming increasingly more evident, if not, already. It's difficult for one sexual orientation to see through the eyes of another sexual orientation and I think that's what's going on there. My opinion though. :/

[Mietsiekat]

PatheticGirl

I definately do understand what you are saying. And I do sympathise with every situation...As each persons situation is different. And I think you are one of few who understood what I meant when saying that its hard for us to comprehend the fact that we dont share anything physically different with you than other people and to us it feels there is no difference...I never ever said what you feel is the same towards everyone or that love is not connected with your actions as I am 100% convinced it is.

Sometimes its hard to put what you feel into words...and everyone reads it differently.

I never intended to make it sound like I dont care about your preferences and I think the mistake I made with this was maybe not explaing thouroughly what I meant or the way I see and experience my situation.

I am not a heartless person and I apologize if it sounded like that to anyone on AVEN.

If I met someone who told me from the start that they would prefer to never have sex I would respect that and never put pressure on that person...it might not have sounded that way, and once again I apologize for that.

I think this is a struggle that goes both ways, maybe not the same feelings entirely but still a struggle. And certain partners sometimes dont care to really listen, so I tried a different approach which maybe was not the best one.

Every comment here made total sense to me apart from 1 individual whos response I found quite insulting on numerous accosaions.

[Cat7]

So, first he showed you love and affection in a physical way (through hugs, kisses, sex...) and then he suddenly stopped? What did he say about, why that occurred?

And you don't feel loved, if he shows you love in a non-physical way? Or did he stop showing you love in general?

(Sorry, if I worded something wrong. I'm not a native speaker, either.)

Btw - and not related to this case - some people said, it wouldn't be fair for a repulsed person to get into a relationship with a sexual person. But you could also say it the other way around: That it's not fair of a sexual person to get into a relationship with a repulsed person.

I feel like, they both have to decide, if their relationship could work or not. There is not one person at fault.

[Prairie]

Timbre as I said before, you are actually so offended by this that you feel the need to call names and question my intelligence. I dont make excuses I explain further, but seeing as you are barely out of diapers and not married I dont see how you could give any input on this...I really dont mind constructive criticism, and most people here even if offended, did not resort to the little bitch fit you had because you do not agree.

Wow. Is there another thread where Timbre has been totally different than in this thread, because in this thread Timbre's posts have come across to me as assertive, articulate, and low on ad hominem (all this despite Timbre seeming to have some strong emotions to communicate). BTW, some people wear diapers for decades, and some people never get married, and they have just as much ability to understand and converse with people. Bladder control/age/marital status has no relation to the things that matter for communicating and having something to offer in a discussion.

[Lady Girl]

Just a friendly reminder to stay on topic and that personal insults are against the ToS. People of all ages and relationship status have valuable thoughts and are welcome to contribute to this conversation. It's also important to remember to be as supportive of others as possible in this forum. Thanks everyone.

Lady Girl, Moderator

[Member7783]

I read this entire thread, and now I'm more confused than ever. Reading this though, it somehow put into words what I had been told many times in the past by previous lovers including both my ex-wives that they couldn't say. I still don't understand the desire or need for sex though. To me, it just seems like a way to gratify one's own ego or to chase after the rush of endorphins from orgasm, neither of which are things that I (emphasis on I) feel to be of any importance.

[Ricecream-man]

I read this entire thread, and now I'm more confused than ever. Reading this though, it somehow put into words what I had been told many times in the past by previous lovers including both my ex-wives that they couldn't say. I still don't understand the desire or need for sex though. To me, it just seems like a way to gratify one's own ego or to chase after the rush of endorphins from orgasm, neither of which are things that I (emphasis on I) feel to be of any importance.

For a lot of romantic sexuals it's one of the highest forms of emotional intimacy. Sex is (even now) seen as something that you only engage in with those with whom you have a deep emotional connection. So to have sex and to do it in a manner where both of you are receiving pleasure is seen as a sign of emotional intimacy. And to be honest

I can understand how letting someone inside of you and to be inside of someone is seen as something special as it can require a high level of trust for many people. To be naked in front of another person in today's society can also require a high level of trust which once again adds to the confirmation of emotional intimacy.

.

[Sage Raven Domino]

I can understand how letting someone inside of you and to be inside of someone is seen as something special as it can require a high level of trust for many people. To be naked in front of another person in today's society can also require a high level of trust which once again adds to the confirmation of emotional intimacy.

I still don't understand why following these particular rituals is required for emotional intimacy. What's bad with mutual counseling with clothes on? :D

[Lady Girl]

I can understand how letting someone inside of you and to be inside of someone is seen as something special as it can require a high level of trust for many people. To be naked in front of another person in today's society can also require a high level of trust which once again adds to the confirmation of emotional intimacy.

I still don't understand why following these particular rituals is required for emotional intimacy. What's bad with mutual counseling with clothes on? :D

I don't think they're required for emotional intimacy, but rather, they often do provide a feeling of emotional intimacy because it can require trust.

[Kuromi Akumura]

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said so i will give how i compromised.
I am in a QPR with a hetro male, and he anyway thinks s*x is only if the relationship has gone that far and is sacred and should not be done for just pleasure, he only does it to express and please his partner. He wants to learn control and i being repulsed i would never do any sexual contact so it's a celibate relationship. He is just fine with cuddle and chaste kisses, he doesn't value it in a relationship and loves me for who i am and me not a sexual purpose. He avoids from acting or thinking about me sexually and loves me genuinely. He is trying to learn different affectionate ways to express his feelings. He said he is happy and doesn't care about s*x at all. He is trying to cut down on his erotica materials and m*sterbation. SO learn control.

[Baskervillain]

when I enter a relationship understanding that the other individual desires sex unless otherwise indicated beforehand I comply, it makes them happy costs me nothing and helps them understand that I appreciate them, its not for me some great task, it can mean the world to them seems like a worthy exchange for someone you care about as long as you are honest with your so in the beginning and yourself it shouldn't become a problem

[CNGB]

Before I say anything, I just want to state that I'm not meaning to attack you or anything. I'm asexual, so I don't get sexual anything, 'cept fantasies, so I'm not going to pretend I truly understand your predicament. At the same time, I'm not sure you truly understand ours--but I think that's natural. I'm not saying you're any less of an ally, I'm saying that it's hard for us, as humans, to relate to something like sexual orientation when we have never experienced the one in question first-hand.

(1) The latter means that emotions are connected to our every action during this process we share with our partners. And you might think so it is with kissing, holding hands, cuddling spending time with your partner...Then I ask asexuals what then seperates your husband or wife from your dearest friend whom you greet with a kiss, your sister who's hand you held as a child and the mother you cuddled when she went through a bad seperation?

The answer is physically NOTHING!

[...]

(2) This is what 'ALLOWING' your partner sex once a month feels like. I say the word compromise again. Is it really so much to ask for something we emotionally crave once a week. To show us the love we hear about but rarely truely intimately experience. That is 52 days a year where you share yourself with us in comparison to the 313 days we suffer emotionally. Even an unfair compromise like that would sit just fine with our hearts.

1) You're correct; there's no physical difference at all. The difference is purely emotional--which, as far as I'm concerned, is far more important. To many of us, kissing and hugging and cuddling are the most important signs of intimacy. I understand that for you and all other allosexuals it's different, but please do keep in mind that just because we hug you like we hug our mothers doesn't mean we love you any less, romantically or platonically.

I don't know if you meant it this way or not, and I don't think you did, but it kind of sounded like you were undermining how we express our love? For many asexuals--and myself included--touching is so very important, and I'd go so far as to say it's as important to us as sex in a relationship is as important to you

2) Yeah, I'd say it is. Most of us hate it/don't like it, and most of us who say we "don't mind sex" don't mean it in that we'd be okay with having it every few days. In all my time on AVEN I've only seen one member, who identified as asexual, who truly and absolutely did not mind sex, and went so far as to even enjoy the act of it. One. Not three, not five, but one. Although there are many asexuals who say that they don't mind sex and are willing to compromise (myself included, on some level), that doesn't mean they would be okay with having sex every few days, or even once a week.

To try to help you understand things, though: Try to imagine doing something that you don't mind doing once a week . . . say, studying bananas. If you study bananas enough, no matter what, you're eventually going to get bored, and if you're expected to keep studying bananas because you want someone to stay happy you're eventually going to come to resent it, correct?

I realize that that might be a lame analogy, but for me it's entirely applicable to sex. For me. After all, sex, to me, is about as interesting as studying bananas (meaning that I don't GAF either way), and if I did it enough I'd first be bored, and then I'd grow to hate it . . . I'm going to go ahead and say that this is possible, and potentially accurate, for many other asexuals (but not all).

Again, though, I could be wrong.

*Edit*: Also, I'd say that having sex once a week is far from unfair. As far as I'm concerned, that's the point where sexual partners expect way, WAY too much--in some relationships. I can understand how you would hate having sex only once a month, but I really just can't understand calling sex once a week unfair??? Sorry, after re-reading this that part kind of blew my mind. . . .

Certainly, having sex more than once a week--and in many cases just once a week--is very unfair from us. I'm very, very, very in-tune to healthy sexual relationships (read: I have very extreme views on rapists and sex offenders--same thing, by the way--and believe that they should all burn in Hell). Asking most of us to partake in sexual activity that much really just is not a nice thing to do. . . .

CONCLUSION: I'm sorry that your sex life isn't what you want it to be. :( If nothing else, I understand that sucks.

It's true that compromise is 50/50, but in all honesty if I was asked to have sex more than once a month from the one I would love and trust I'd feel so frustrated and upset I'd start to cry (I don't cry often). To me--and so many others on here--having sex once a month is a lot, and if it isn't a lot then it's that "perfect medium." Try to keep in mind that to us, having sex with our partners that often (and I realize that for you it's that rarely) IS giving a 50/50. We're doing our best, really.

[CNGB]

Oh, and just to clarify I'm not implying that you or anyone else is a sex offender for wanting sex, but I am implying that some of the word choices you've used ("Even an unfair compromise like that would sit just fine with our hearts") comes off as pretty harsh and, to be honest, if someone said some of that to me I'd honestly feel threatened.

That being said, I really don't believe you meant any of that in such a way.

[Tarfeather]

I don't see how making your partner do something they don't enjoy would ever be a good idea. I don't even see how it would be satisfying in any way. A relationship is something voluntary, not an obligation, if it ever turns into an obligation then both parties will end up feeling unhappy.

And yes, it's possible that an asexual could enjoy some form of sexuality. But pressuring them won't make that easier. Sort of like being forced to read a book at school will often make you enjoy it less than if you just picked it up in your free time.

I know that it's hard, but as a sexual in a mixed relationship, the best strategy is to make do with whatever sexuality you get and not demand more. That will provide the environment for your partner to experiment and discover what they might enjoy. And it might turn out they just don't enjoy anything. In that case, there's honestly nothing that can be done about it.

Loving someone sometimes requires you to give up on things you desire. But your partner loving you also means that they will sometimes overcome the things that prevent them from fulfilling your desires. It's a beautiful, bittersweet thing.

[CNGB]

I don't see how making your partner do something they don't enjoy would ever be a good idea. I don't even see how it would be satisfying in any way. A relationship is something voluntary, not an obligation, if it ever turns into an obligation then both parties will end up feeling unhappy.

And yes, it's possible that an asexual could enjoy some form of sexuality. But pressuring them won't make that easier. Sort of like being forced to read a book at school will often make you enjoy it less than if you just picked it up in your free time.

I know that it's hard, but as a sexual in a mixed relationship, the best strategy is to make do with whatever sexuality you get and not demand more. That will provide the environment for your partner to experiment and discover what they might enjoy. And it might turn out they just don't enjoy anything. In that case, there's honestly nothing that can be done about it.

Loving someone sometimes requires you to give up on things you desire. But your partner loving you also means that they will sometimes overcome the things that prevent them from fulfilling your desires. It's a beautiful, bittersweet thing.

Holy shit. You're my hero.

[SkyWorld]

This is one of those things I fear the most. I like to make people happy, yes, but I think it's just too far if I try to make them happy while I make myself unhappy. I know it's unhealthy to be so unhappy. I tried to "fix" my sex-repulsiveness, but I really can't. I tried! I really did try! I just can't get over it, I don't like it at all. I may not have ever had sex, but just the thought of it makes me want to cry and vomit. So not only would I burst into tears because of my repulsiveness, but I would also cry because I would be making my partner so unhappy. So, I'm unhappy that they're unhappy, but if I'd try to make them happy, I would feel even worse. I would feel nothing more than a sex slave. Although I admit to not being in a relationship or having sex before, but this is how I feel about it in general. In this case, I don't believe this is a true "compromise" for either side and it's unhealthy for BOTH sides. I would believe that it would be best to just go our separate ways, and I feel like that wouldn't be too hard. I'd rather be single, happy, and HEALTHY, than in a relationship where I'm miserable and the stress is killing me. I also wouldn't want to be responsible for stressing someone else out. I mean, wouldn't THEY also not want to be responsible for stressing an asexual who may be repulsed or simply not want sex?

[Cimmerian]

I had a bit of a mixed reaction to this thread like some of the others...

I'm going to comment based on my personal thoughts, experiences, conversations etc. As a romantic asexual who doesn't necessarily consider themself to be sex-repulsed but also has no interest in and cannot compromise on having sex for strong personal reasons.

Since the post(s) I want to reply to are long I'm going to do it in color within the post.

Hello Everyone...
...
By writing this I want to express my feelings and views on sex as a sexual, give a little more insight to asexuals on the subject of sex and maybe give sexuals a better way to explain their feelings to their partner. I am not a psychologist, but a real sexual (woman) who deals with alot of these emotions daily. I am sure some people will agree and some won't! I am also not attacking anyone in any way!!!
So here goes...

I would like to start by explaining what marriage means to me...
When two people marry they have make a decision that they choose one person to be their life long companion. That means a best friend, a support system, a lover, a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen when no one else wants to, someone who will protect your heart, and most importantly someone you can trust to be honest even in the worst of circumstances. Sex to sexuals(in this context) is not seen as a physical deed, something that we do only to get physical gratification. It's more complicated than that. This is where sex is no longer just sex anymore, and then turns into making love with your partner.
....

The latter means that emotions are connected to our every action during this process we share with our partners. And you might think so it is with kissing, holding hands, cuddling spending time with your partner...Then I ask asexuals what then seperates your husband or wife from your dearest friend whom you greet with a kiss, your sister who's hand you held as a child and the mother you cuddled when she went through a bad seperation?

The answer is physically NOTHING!

When sexuals share a sexual act with a spouse we break down our strongholds, we lay our emotions bare for the world to see, we become totally vunerable in the hands of that one person. We give ourselves to you completely as and act of the deepest emotionally connected form of love possible. This is the closest form of intamacy for us. This one thing we share with you seperates us from the rest.

It is not the act of sex but the feeling of intimacy that we crave.

Why does a lack of sex upset us so much?
Well mostly because we share ourselves wholeheartedly and with rejection we feel that our spouses dont share our level of love and emotions. This is heartbreaking.
This to us is the most pure form of love. And we are giving it only to recieve nothing in return. We become self concious and self esteem drops and then we start looking for a solution...'am I too fat, does my breath smell, am I generally not attractive enough'...and all because we need that extra intimacy which we are denied because sex is seen as a 'fruitless unpleasureable act'.

We need and crave deeper intimacy, we are not nymphomaniacs, or sex obsessed sociopaths.
....
Relationships are about 50% compromise on both sides concerning all aspects!
So why does your asexuality suddenly get classed as something with more substance than his/her sexuality?
For example: You absolutely love the outdoors, but your partner has recently admitted he/she is too jealous to have anyone else see you. He/She locks you in a room and only lets you out on his/her terms once a month...would you feel loved and respected?
....

This is what 'ALLOWING' your partner sex once a month feels like. I say the word compromise again. Is it really so much to ask for something we emotionally crave once a week. To show us the love we hear about but rarely truely intimately experience. That is 52 days a year where you share yourself with us in comparison to the 313 days we suffer emotionally. Even an unfair compromise like that would sit just fine with our hearts.

(Here by allowing I was referring to statements made in previous threads by people which yes made me think of a calender...i feel its unfair to do it that way. I for one would never force my husband into anything...but he doesnt have a problem with sex just frequency issues...I am begging for a bit more compromise from him here...But in the confusion of not knowing what is going on it is very possible to think of sex daily in trying to find some type of solution! I maybe phrased it wrong not knowing it came out harsh.)

We love you everyday of our sexual lives because you are our one and only. Our beginning and our end. The box where our hearts lie.

Posts like this make me a bit sad, because they are well-intentioned but I always come away from them feeling like I'm "wrong" and am actively hurting anyone I am with because of my unwillingness to have sex. I feel like this says that as an asexual, I'm just not trying hard enough, or compromising enough to make my partner happy, when that's not the case... It's less about a lack of willingness to compromise and more of an issue of not being willing to put aside my emotional needs/well-being in favor of my partner's preference. It makes future relationships seem extremely bleak.

1. From the discussions I've seen, it's not that asexuals do not understand that sex has an emotional/bonding component for sexual partners, but more of the fact that for a number of asexuals having sex does not increase our emotional bond to you. For me sex is not a bonding act... everything around it, including foreplay? Sure, but that is my personal limit and sex crosses that and if even the idea of being talked or persuaded into it to make my partner feel loved/worthy etc. makes me start distancing myself.

The vulnerability you mention with sex is only ever going to be negative for someone like me... it's never going to make me vulnerable in a good way for my partner, the way I show my vulnerability is by trusting my partner and letting them know that I care about them but sex is not a good thing for me. It's seen from talking to them. Trust is genuinely built, not done through a physical act.

2. I am one of the asexuals who has a hard time defining how, physically, a partner is different from some of my other relationships. Part of this is because I have few people that I consider close to me so I am much more comfortable with anyone I consider important to me than I would be with acquaintances that other people would consider their "friends". On the other hand, my partner will get more from my physically, just never to the extent of sex. To everyone else a partner is likely to look like my best friend (and really that's a good place to be with me).

As with the distinction you mentioned for sex, the difference between everyone else and a partner is emotional; not necessarily tangible!

3. What's funny about this part is that it's not all that different from how I feel as an asexual, just in a slightly different context. Having someone not understand that just because I won't have sex with them doesn't mean that I don't deeply care for them. It's heartbreaking for me to hear that no matter what else I say or do my partner does not believe me when I say I love or care about them just because I won't have sex. Like you said, we give everything and then still feel rejected because sex and love are still so closely intertwined to our sexual partners. And that hurts.

4. "Is it really so much to ask for something we emotionally crave once a week?" You say... but i see the exact opposite, is it really so hard to go without this, or get it from somewhere else in some cases/relationships if it's going to emotionally harm your partner? Which emotional set "wins" out here in your scenario? "Compromising" to have sex with a partner is not "meeting in the middle" for me, it's giving in and not letting my feelings/needs be considered.

Relationships are about 50% compromise on both sides concerning all aspects!
So why does your asexuality suddenly get classed as something with more substance than his/her sexuality?
For example: You absolutely love the outdoors, but your partner has recently admitted he/she is too jealous to have anyone else see you. He/She locks you in a room and only lets you out on his/her terms once a month...would you feel loved and respected?

Of course relationships are about compromise. And here's how that worked when I was in a relationship with a sexual; they got sex whenever they wanted it. If I didn't want sex, I suddenly didn't care about them enough to "even give them that". My asexuality has never taken precedence over someone's sexuality. But others sexuality has always taken precedence over my asexuality. I have always had to do something I don't want in order to compromise. Okay, so I am not sex repulsed. That is not to say it doesn't make me uncomfortable to be in that situation. I am not repulsed by blood either, but if I were in a situation with someone bleeding out on the floor, I wouldn't exactly be comfortable.

The thing with putting it like this: "You absolutely love the outdoors, but your partner has recently admitted he/she is too jealous to have anyone else see you. He/She locks you in a room and only lets you out on his/her terms once a month...would you feel loved and respected?" You are basically ignoring that if we compromise with you, and do have sex, then we become the outdoorsy people trapped in a room, only to get out on our partners' terms. A compromise does not work like that. If two people, one sexual and one asexual cannot figure out a way not to trap each other in rooms, ultimately, that relationship is not healthy. A compromise means that one person is not necessarily happy with the outcome. In a balanced relationship, it would mean you were both trapped in a room, and you both had to go outside for a given period of time a few times a month. That's how we meet half way. If you compare a compromise on sex to a jealous lover who keeps their partner locked in a room, then I don't think you've been doing it right. :P

For me, a compromise would be that we meet halfway. But I've already tried 'mixed' relationships, and I've found they end worse than they start off. I am sure there are people who can make it work, but I am not one of them. Unless my partner is willing to be in an open relationship of some sort, where they can go and have sex with people other than me, or alternately that they have sex with someone and I just... I dunno, sit nearby with a book (because that's totally not creepy...), then I can't be with a sexual person, because I don't much like being uncomfortable for the sake of someone else's comfort. Occasionally, maybe. But not as often as it seems sexuals would like.

There is another point to this, the "feeling loved" part. I am personally really bad at telling people I care for them. I am not likely to say "I love you" because those words, to me, mean nothing. I am not likely to hug you or kiss you or lavish you with gifts. I am likely to forget anniversaries and Valentine's days, or to ignore birthdays (the purpose of which I have never comprehended). I am likely to appear disinterested and cold (I have been told). None of this means I don't deeply care about someone. I might show it differently, however. I've had relationships end because partners thought I didn't care about them at all. They did not feel loved. But I did everything in my power to show them I did care. I wanted them to be a part of my world. I showed them things I cared about, I took them places I loved. I didn't know how else to do it. I could repeat the words "I love you" like a parrot, they meant nothing to me. Hearing them made no difference either. We just couldn't communicate on that front. I wanted to share my world with them. They wanted to hear the words. Words that didn't mean anything to me.

So as for not feeling loved... I cannot, and will not, show that I love someone by having sex with them. I am likely to terminate a relationship if it turns out we cannot agree on something as simple as showing each other that we love each other. Showing affection should not be a compromise. Compromise is a form of caring, yes, but in my books, it is not the kind of affection you need to show in order to express to someone that you love them. Otherwise it can quickly become a case of doing things just because your partner wants it, and while that works for some, it's a nightmare for others.

Sex and love are not necessarily interchangeable terms. I understand that sexual partners might show love through sex. I show love through a passionate conversation, through a walk in the wilderness, by putting a bandaid on you if you hurt yourself. I don't show love by sacrificing my own happiness. And frankly, I don't think anyone else should either - I would not feel very loved if someone was unhappy on my account. Compromise, yes. By all means, compromise. But not so far as to figuratively lock each other away in rooms.

This is a wonderful post. You said a lot of what I wanted to say! :) The bolded portion particularly stood out to me.

I cannot show someone I love them by having sex because I need both of us to be love and respect each other, which means not forcing someone to "show love" in a way that they are not comfortable with, or in a way that they do not experience it. In relationships you learn how your partner shows love... it's hard to comprehend why this doesn't extend to sex/lack of sex. Some people show love with words, others physically, but you never push your method on a partner if it makes them uncomfortable, and the idea that that is ignored in the sexual arena makes me uncomfortable and sad.

[Sammy1991]

Thank you for sharing.I'm going to explain how I feel about my asexuality and maybe others can relate too. I'm going to use psychopathy as an example now before I say anything im in no way a psychopath.I cry over people,I can have feelings for people and care about them which psychopaths have no feelings like that.lets say a person who is a psychopath murdered a human being and cut them open for fun,well they lack empathy.They can't relate to us having sadness over a death. While we care they can carve the body up like it's thanksgiving turkey. So although I'm not a psychopath I guess you can say I am when it comes to sex. I have a total lack of anything toward sex just like a psychopath has a lack of feelings of fear, remorse,etc. They don't care about others feelings just like I don't care about sexual feelings. They are selfish people who only care about themselves and while I do care about other people's feelings it's the sexual feelings I lack. I think of sex not being my job,that's that persons job since it's their body,not mine but I'm glad you told us this I truly hope everyone that reads this don't take offence to it and no one is wrong for feeling sexual or asexual. What I wrote might sound nuts to some but I was trying my best to explain what I feel with my extreme lack of sex feelings and hoped other asexual and relate to it.

[Mietsiekat]

Sammy I actually think that what you said makes alot of sense! Thank you for sharing!

Reiko and Cimmerian Duality I really liked your replies and would like to quote but it would make this waaayyyy too long!

Reiko yes it stresses us out immensely...esp when things get so sensitive that anything and everything said turns into an argument about sex...you are afraid to talk about small things because maybe someone reads into it more and takes it the wrong way.

Cimmerian...I do agree about the rejection part it does go both ways, my husband has said this many times.

It is just hard to understand what someones boundries are when they refuse to talk about it or they lie about it.

I didnt know sex was not a high priority for him. It never came up until it stopped and even then for more than two years he lied about why when I asked him. I struggle to understand him a bit. Does he like holding hands or not...he doesnt talk about it. I thought I knew him well enough, clearly I have no clue. And what hurts more - he has confessed to not being able to wait to be alone with his ex fiance(for sex)...then I think OMG am I that disgusting.:-(

[Guest]

I'm not going to say I wasn't deeply offended by many aspects of this thread. As an asexual who gave my hypersexual ex sex twice a day, every day, for 5 years, only to have him consistently angry and unhappy because I wouldn't orgasm, he could tell I was faking it, I ''must be getting it somewhere else or I wouldn't look so bored''.. blah blah (I didn't know about asexuality at the time.. I tried sooo fecking hard to please him, but nothing I did was enough because I didn't roll around moaning with pleasure the way other women he had been with always had.. *sigh*) I could not disagree more with much of what has been said here. However, others have covered my feelings about all that pretty well, so I just wanted to address the bit that I have quoted below:

Sex to sexuals(in this context) is not seen as a physical deed, something that we do only to get physical gratification. It's more complicated than that. This is where sex is no longer just sex anymore, and then turns into making love with your partner.

Okay so I see alot of eyerolling and thoughts that these two things are the same.
They however are not.

The latter means that emotions are connected to our every action during this process we share with our partners. And you might think so it is with kissing, holding hands, cuddling spending time with your partner...Then I ask asexuals what then seperates your husband or wife from your dearest friend whom you greet with a kiss, your sister who's hand you held as a child and the mother you cuddled when she went through a bad seperation?

The answer is physically NOTHING!

When sexuals share a sexual act with a spouse we break down our strongholds, we lay our emotions bare for the world to see, we become totally vunerable in the hands of that one person. We give ourselves to you completely as and act of the deepest emotionally connected form of love possible. This is the closest form of intamacy for us. This one thing we share with you seperates us from the rest.

It is not the act of sex but the feeling of intimacy that we crave.

Many asexuals desire this deep intimacy, this act of lovemaking too, but we just desire it in different ways than you do.

For my asexual partner and I, the physical act of sex would drive a deep, irreparable rift between us; it would destroy our intimacy, as opposed to enhance it.

Yet we still share deeply intimate acts we would never, ever, ever (EVER) consider doing with a sibling, parent, or friend (*shudder*). For us however, these intimate acts just do not involve our genitals: We are still utterly vulnerable to each other, placing total trust in each other etc.. just without the shared genital stimulation that is so deeply important to many sexual people (from my experience with them anyway - from my personal experience, romantic intimacy really isn't that meaningful to sexual people unless genital pleasure is involved.. I know not all sexual people are like this, but all the ones I have ever come into contact with have felt this way.. no romantic act is as important or meaningful to them as shared genital pleasure.. again, I am fully aware not *all* sexual people feel this way..)

Neither my partner nor I have any enjoyment of, or interest in, shared genital stimulation, so we don't do it. That's the only thing that separates our lovemaking from yours.

There are MANY sensual asexuals like this, so I think you misunderstand what intimacy, what lovemaking, is for many of us. It's very, very different from anything we do with anyone else in our lives, it just doesn't involve the actual physical act of sex (shared genital stimulation for mutual sexual pleasure)

I had to force myself not to be sensual/not to initiate intimacy with my ex, because that would lead to him instantly wanting sex, which I was terrified of initiating accidentally due to having to give it to him so often anyway. I completely shut off all sensuality and initiation of intimacy on my part, to protect myself from the inevitable sex that would have to follow (as I said already, I had to give it to him so often anyway... if I had it my way we would have had sex precisely *never*.)

With an asexual however, I can share deeper levels of spiritual and emotional intimacy than I EVER experienced in a sexual relationship, due to just how fully I can let myself go and give myself over to the love, how truly vulnerable I can leave myself, knowing that he (my asexual partner) will never need to get my underwear off as payment for, or as something that inevitably follows, that intimacy. That is truly wonderful, and that, to me, is the deepest, most intimate, most rewarding act of making love.

So yeah, non-sexual asexual intimacy can be just as deep, loving and rewarding as sexual intimacy often is for sexuals, sadly though it often doesn't work out when you put an asexual and a sexual together, because though they both may desire that deep intimacy (and may love each other very much) they desire said intimacy, said lovemaking, in very different ways.

Again, very, very different from anything we would ever experience with a sibling, friend, or parent.. I just had to make that doubly, triply clear.

[Tarfeather]

Many asexuals desire this deep intimacy, this act of lovemaking too, but we just desire it in different ways than you do.

That seems to be how some define a "romantic asexual". I always figured most people posting here actually have a partner who's somewhat aromantic.

no romantic act is as important or meaningful to them as shared genital pleasure..

Let me just say: Ewwww. Sometimes when people describe sexuals like that I'm not sure I'm really one of them. Whatever great things I may see in sex, it's certainly not romance, and actually the idea of putting it as such revolts me.

[Allotasm]

Let me just say: Ewwww. Sometimes when people describe sexuals like that I'm not sure I'm really one of them. Whatever great things I may see in sex, it's certainly not romance, and actually the idea of putting it as such revolts me.

++++

I agree, that's gross, and not true for me. Sex is not the most important thing in my relationship.

I like sex, and I feel like it's a pretty heavy want, I get a little crazy if I don't get it, but I've gone without for a very long time and been just fine.

However all the things within the relationship that I gain from sex, the intimacy and all that excellence, predicates itself solely on the enthusiastic involvement of the partner.

I also get it from a million other little things.

It's very intimate to be part of someone's sexuality like that but it's not the only way to be intimate. It's not the end all be all of the relationship. I highly prefer it be in my life, since I enjoy it and I want to be having sex, but I really hate this like "sexuals only feel connected through sex and literally nothing else ever" rhetoric in here.

[Mietsiekat]

Let me just say: Ewwww. Sometimes when people describe sexuals like that I'm not sure I'm really one of them. Whatever great things I may see in sex, it's certainly not romance, and actually the idea of putting it as such revolts me.

++++

I agree, that's gross, and not true for me. Sex is not the most important thing in my relationship.

I like sex, and I feel like it's a pretty heavy want, I get a little crazy if I don't get it, but I've gone without for a very long time and been just fine.

However all the things within the relationship that I gain from sex, the intimacy and all that excellence, predicates itself solely on the enthusiastic involvement of the partner.

I also get it from a million other little things.

It's very intimate to be part of someone's sexuality like that but it's not the only way to be intimate. It's not the end all be all of the relationship. I highly prefer it be in my life, since I enjoy it and I want to be having sex, but I really hate this like "sexuals only feel connected through sex and literally nothing else ever" rhetoric in here.

I do agree with this...

We do get intimacy from all other things like a deep kiss or warm cuddle. Sex is not the most important thing but to us sexuals it gives deeper intimacy with a partner who shares it enthusiastically. Its not just genitals and sweat and that makes it sound really gross.

As far as sex twice a day, I think most sexual women would run away screaming they hate sex too!!! Because that could only be about physical gratification. Which is not what I am personally looking for.

[Allotasm]

As far as sex twice a day, I think most sexual women would run away screaming they hate sex too!!! Because that could only be about physical gratification. Which is not what I am personally looking for.

personally that's too much for me but I know women that are contentedly having sex twice a day.

There's no right answer to how often you should or shouldn't be having sex, including 0 sex ever. It's all about what's right for you and what's right for your partner.