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To our asexual partners this is why we want and need sex!


Mietsiekat

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Even for those of us that CAN do it sometimes, frequency is a big deal. When sex goes above my frequency limit the only things even MENTIONING it will do to me is make me irritable, miserable and immediately ruin any good mood I had. So, yeah, it is really a big deal to "just do it every so often" .. if that every so often goes above what you can handle. Normally, sex to me is more like doing the dishes or cleaning out the litter boxes - a chore to do to keep the house running smoothly, boring, but not that bad. However, once my tolerance level is reached, going over it will make me think "I hate my life", "GOD! I would happily be single forever if it just meant never having to do this again" or even random thoughts of "Hmm, if I bite down right now we wouldn't have to have sex again for weeks..." and makes me feel like hiding and avoiding contact at all to avoid the possibility that sex may be mentioned. None of which is a HEALTHY thing at all. In order to NOT make me feel like I absolutely hate everything about the relationship, it cannot go over my tolerance levels. Period. And my tolerance can vary. If I was OK with sex every day of the week last week, I might not be OK with it at all for the next week.

Each person gets to decide what they can handle, emotionally and physically, when it comes to sex and frequency. If the other person in the relationship finds the frequency / type of sex not enough to keep them happy, then they are free to decide that is not enough for them and end the relationship. There is no prison, except one of ones own making. At any point, even if you're married, you can say "I have had enough, I am not happy" and leave. The asexual may find it a VERY big deal to have sex more often. The sexual may find it a very big deal to not. Whoever feels a need is not being met can leave and should if it's not something that can be worked out to both peoples satisfaction.

I, personally, despise the idea of "fair" people put out. Fair is not an even we have sex 15 days a month sort of thing. There is no set "fair" compromise. The sexual may feel having sex less than once a day is too little and stresses them out too badly. The asexual may feel having sex at all stresses them out too badly, or they can't do it more than once a month. FAIR is both people being content, whatever that compromise ends up becoming. And if content is not something that can be reached, admitting incompatibility. Fair is NOT the asexual doing more sex than they are comfortable with because it looks better on an excel spreadsheet. Or the sexual giving up sex completely cause it somehow looks morally "right" to some people to decide sex is not worth breaking up over.

And many of us are well aware sex is something emotional to many people (though not all). However, just because something is emotionally important to one, doesn't mean the other person's emotions don't matter. Even if someone can enjoy it or be neutral about it some of the time doesn't mean they can go beyond their limits. I get cuddles perhaps once or twice a year, because that is my partner's limit, even though it is the thing I crave and feel is very intimate and bonding... it wouldn't be fair to push him past his limit just because I might get sad and lonely from not having it more often.

Edit: Also, I do not kiss my friends or family on the mouth. I do not intimately cuddle them either. If I am sharing a bed with a friend or family member, I am not pressed against them and have my arm over them to be close. So, erm, yeah there is A LOT different between those and romantic relationships for me. And I know few people who will let their mom french kiss them... o.O

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pitchblackonyx

This is what 'ALLOWING' your partner sex once a month feels like. I say the word compromise again. Is it really so much to ask for something we emotionally crave once a week. To show us the love we hear about but rarely truely intimately experience. That is 52 days a year where you share yourself with us in comparison to the 313 days we suffer emotionally. Even an unfair compromise like that would sit just fine with our hearts.

if i "ALLOWED" my partner to have sex with my once a motnh ,it would more than liekyl feel to both of us like he was raping me. exactly how much to you think he emotinoally craves that? how fine do you think that would sit within his heart?

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Relationships are about 50% compromise on both sides concerning all aspects!

So why does your asexuality suddenly get classed as something with more substance than his/her sexuality?

For example: You absolutely love the outdoors, but your partner has recently admitted he/she is too jealous to have anyone else see you. He/She locks you in a room and only lets you out on his/her terms once a month...would you feel loved and respected?

(Edit - Lets say ignore the above example and use the following as this is something we can relate to:

You have always enjoyed eating steak with your partner,because its something that they proved to you could be enjoyable when they introduced you to it. After years of good steak memories your partner goes vegan an does not want you to cook steak anymore. They give you no reason and leave you wondering and yearning for steak.

I think the thing your not getting here is that even if the two of you are hypersexual nymphomaniacs neither of you owes the other sex.

In both of these examples (assuming that in the steak one the vegan spouse is physically denying the meat eater of any and all meat (because the meat eater can always just go to a restaurant or have take out and can still eat meat at a friends place if cooking meat in the house isn't allowed)) human rights are being violated. Bodily autonomy (or bodily integrity) dictates that the most basic human right is being able to govern what happens within your own body. This is what makes murder, rape and abuse wrong. The harm is being forced onto the victim with no regard for they're wishes. It should also be noted that your bodily autonomy stops where anothers begins (ie you couldn't say "I want to hit someones face with my fist" and then say that by not letting you punch them in the face, a person is denying you your right to bodily autonomy).

With the first example it's pretty clear that this right is being violated.

In the second example the meat eating spouse is have their right to bodily autonomy violated because they are not being given free choice. If someone wants to put meat in their body, that is completely their choice and to forcibly deny them this choice is to take away a very fundamental right.

In both of these examples you have compared not receiving frequent sex with have human rights violated. This is extremely worrying and something you really need to sort out. You need to get it into your head that sex is not something owed, it is a gift. When someone has sex with you (assuming that it is pleasurable and consensual), they are actively giving you a gift and it should never be looked at as something that is owed. If sex is such a strong need for you then you should be with someone who can and will enjoy giving you that gift on a much more frequent basis.

Besides, if you honestly feel like your basic human rights are being violated by staying in this relationship (or any relationship at all) then you should try your best to leave.

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Sage Raven Domino

OP, I think you don't really understand even your steak example.

Vegetarians have various extents of tolerance to the smell of meat. To some of us, it's absolutely unbearable. It can feel worse than cigarette or campfire smoke; it's like the smoke of an animal being burnt alive and squealing in agony, if you wish :'((

I don't know how I can live together with someone who cooks meat regularly. The smell doesn't go away that easily; many minutes, if not hours, of ventilation are needed before I can feel comfortable again.

My point is that you have to imagine yourself in the asexual partner's shoes and imagine that you love someone who does a thing that you totally detest and forces you to be present during it. What would you do then? Would you allow them to do it at least half as often as they'd like to?

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OP, I think you don't really understand even your steak example.

Vegetarians have various extents of tolerance to the smell of meat. To some of us, it's absolutely unbearable. It can feel worse than cigarette or campfire smoke; it's like the smoke of an animal being burnt alive and squealing in agony, if you wish :'((

I don't know how I can live together with someone who cooks meat regularly. The smell doesn't go away that easily; many minutes, if not hours, of ventilation are needed before I can feel comfortable again.

My point is that you have to imagine yourself in the asexual partner's shoes and imagine that you love someone who does a thing that you totally detest and forces you to be present during it. What would you do then? Would you allow them to do it at least half as often as they'd like to?

Damn it...that hurt me badly. :'( Can't be helped, I suppose, especially since plants suffer the same deal. They can 'react,' if you will, to being pulled or eaten.

I see what you mean here...but there would need to be some sort of agreement. I can relate to it because I was banned from seafood for a time. Communicate, and that would be resolved.

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Sometimes incompatibility is just too big. That's why it's important to talk about everything (including about sex) before even officially starting a relationship. And if the difference is too big, then both people will know that it's better to "abort" the relationship before anything serious starts. More honesty, less pain.

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Ricecream-man

@ OP

I'm sorry that we can't provide positive responses. This may not apply to those who have posted here, but quite a few asexual people have been hurt in relationships for exactly the reasons you've mentioned before. I understand that it's a strong desire that borders on an emotional need, but for some asexual people the act can be difficult and too much exposure can be painful. In a healthy relationship an asexual person will understand your need, however just as it's hard for you to go without it for so long it's difficult for many asexual people to continue to engage in it and feel the constant pressure that we have to engage in it for the health of the relationship.

Of course, there are also asexual people who are okay with it, enjoy it, and (demi's/ certain grey) may even have a greater desire for sex than their sexual partners. However, each individual is different and can only do what they're comfortable with.

I understand that it's difficult for you to go without that connection, but please understand that for some asexuals, what seems like "just a little more" in your mind may feel like "almost too much" in theirs.

Edit: I do wish you the best in your current relationship and hope that the issues get resolved.

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Grandmaster Bard...

Clearly you are one very angry person. If what I said bothers you then stop returning to this thread...maybe reading my last edit at the bottom slipped by you completely...

Any view other than yours does not matter to you.

There is no need for name calling. I have my opinion on this subject and you have yours...My opinion I gained through experience and I wanted to share it, but according to you it is not allowed.

I have never had a problem with peoples sexual orientation...

As far as crying...I have also done that before...because of being sexually violated...That is the same emotional feeling.

First of all my username is Timbre. Grandmaster Bard is a member title. Second, yes people tend to get irritated when they're constantly subjected to people acting like they're owed sex. If you read the Blame Game post someone else linked you to, you'd realize I have no problem with sexual people having wants and desires and there's nothing wrong with leaving if such things can't be compromised because yeah, your needs are important too. What you obviously fail to understand is that the way you're expressing yourself here is completely and entirely one-sided and acting as thought because it's hard for you to go without sex, you feel you're the only one going through hardship and act as though compromise is "necessary" and therefor "Is it really so much to ask" is completely reasonable when it's not reasonable at all.

Simply saying "I have no problem with this and don't mean it as an attack" doesn't make whatever you're saying ok or not hurtful or ignorant any more than saying "I don't mean this as an attack or to be mean but you're really ugly" doesn't suddenly become any less mean or hurtful because you said it wasn't supposed to be mean. You still said it and the implications are the still there.

Saying asexual people should compromise even though it's unfair to the sexual (but apparently totally fair on the asexual's side) is messed up and you need to understand that it's not that simple. It's not an 'opinion' to tell asexual people that we should compromise because our poor partner needs sex. It's simply not something some of us can offer and i've had quite enough of being taught to hate myself and feel as though I've done something wrong for asserting that sexual compromise isn't something I'm willing to do. Instead of jumping to your own defense and going "I didn't mean it that way" realize what you're saying, why it's being read that way and understand that while your feelings are valid, so are your partners and sometimes compromise isn't possible and it's not anybody's fault when it's not.

If you simply explained why you feel that way it's fair, but you had to go on and imply asexual people are in the wrong for denying their partners sex and they should compromise and thus the valiant sexual will be happy even though it's sooooo unfair to not get it as often. Enough. I'm sick and tired of people like you making me feel for an entire year like I was a burden on my boyfriend. I'm sick of people failing to realize that saying crap like this is what leads people to believe that they HAVE to compromise because they owe their partner that much. We don't. I don't. Your partner doesn't. Your edits made it clear you DON'T understand why people are calling you out or why you don't have the right to your "opinion" that we owe it to our partners to have sex with them because they're miserable. That's unfortunate but we don't have to become miserable in your place. If you're unhappy, LEAVE. You have that right! If you and this person aren't compatible, then break it off instead of blaming your partner for what's not their fault. You'd be doing nothing wrong in leaving. Find someone who can make you happy without making themselves unhappy in your stead!

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Hey OP, I think you've explained your side of the sexual-asexual compromise on sex, but I'm not sure you've really understood the asexual person's side. For many asexuals they go through the same emotional turmoil you've described because they have been pressured to have sex (to whatever has surpassed their comfort point).

As Serran has mentioned, compromise isn't a tally sheet. If you want sex 3 times a week and your partner would prefer not having sex at all, you have to see where the comfort lies. If they can handle sex mentally once a month without too much trouble then maybe that's a compromise point you'd be alright with.

The only situation I really see applying to "if you're alright with sex, then have it more because your sexual partner really craves it (for all the reasons you've mentioned)," is if someone is 100% okay with having sex but just doesn't really feel like it. In that situation it should be a one-on-one conversation about the ability to compromise more if the partner is able because of how much it means to you. A further conversation should probably involve how to best initiate sex for both partners.

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Timbre please, cut the op some slack. you have the right to be offended by something but please be civil about it, this is supposed to be a safe place for people to come get support. we should all be trying to educate rather than tear people down.

and to the op, there is nothing i could say that hasn't been said. don't feel bad if you don't understand these peoples point of view, because we can only sympathize with yours too. just don't think of your husband as actively trying to deprive you of something. if once a week or once a month is all he ends up being able to give, and a satasfactory compromise can not be reached, accept that he has no more to give without himself being uncomfortable and decide for yourself if you want to continue the reationship

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Timbre please, cut the op some slack. you have the right to be offended by something but please be civil about it, this is supposed to be a safe place for people to come get support. we should all be trying to educate rather than tear people down.

I lost all patience for people trying to disguise asexual guilt-tripping as giving their side of the story years ago, tbh.

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OP, you have to realize one important idea: you and your partner are free individuals. If you're seriously saying you can't go one single night of the year without suffering emotinally because you didn't have sex that night, then it's probably a good idea to file for divorce. He is not obligated to have sex with you. Once a week is not an unfair deal, let alone a compromise, since it's what tonnnssss of sexual couples do (look up statistics on average sex frequencies).

Trust me, I know what it's like to be frustrated due to lack of sex. I had an asexual girlfriend for a while and I didn't even get the chance to have sex once. I can tell you I've got a high sex drive seeing as I can't go one day without rubbing one or two out, so it's not like I didn't want any. What happened was that I was mature enough to understand if she wants to go her own way, that's fine, and if I couldn't stand it, I was free to go any moment I pleased. I never blamed her, and I never blamed the entire asexual population, I never cried out because I'm not some self-entitled brat.

You're really the only one making yourself suffer.

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*killer*queen*

Couple things that I’ve wanted to touch upon while I’ve been reading this thread. People have touched on the sex issue enough, I’ll hit other points.

As others have pointed out, for most asexuals, sex is not a way for them to love their partner. You don’t just get intimacy from sex. There are so many other ways and it doesn’t even have to be touchy feely stuff. It’s whatever makes you feel closer to each other. Whether it’s a common hobby that you bonded together on first or an inside joke only the two of you know. For many aces, sex is the absolute last place for them to get intimacy, if they ever get it at all. Telling your significant other things, even if they’re small, you don’t tell others is very much as vulnerable as sex. A lot of times it can be more so.

Going with the above a bit, someone earlier was talking about other ways to say you care instead of I love you. I’m not sure if I liked the post yet, but I will, and I wish I could like it more than once. People will say, “Oh, my boy/girlfriend doesn’t really love me. They never tell me.” Do you ever actually look at what that person *does*? Little things often have a big way of saying how much they care.

Yes, sex aside, how I feel about my friends, family, partners, etc. is unique, not only to each “group”, but to each person. I have 3 best friends, I feel differently about all of them. Physical handling within the relationships do not outline the relationships or make it this kind or that kind. It’s all how you perceive the other person.

Hypothetical situation: just because my partner and I don’t have sex, we do other things, I may be able to do those other things with friends, and have, but how I feel for my partner is still different than what I feel for my friends. It’s hard to explain. To the outside world, I may not do anything different than I appear to than when I’m with my friends but on the inside, to me, it’s all very much different. Drastically so. For example: If I go shopping with them all, I may be doing the same activity, but how I feel about the activity changes due to who I’m with, thus making each time I do the activity different and unique to the person mainly due to what I get from that person. Due to how we respond and react to each other.

Really hope I wrote that all understandably enough, I’m really tired and going to bed.

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OP, some of us asexuals are partners with sexuals; some have been for years. I had sex with my husband and then my long-term partners in order to please them. Your assumption that asexuals don't understand what sex is to sexuals is wrong. We have been told what it means to you, and those of us who had sex were shown what it means -- every single time.

Don't assume that because you are not getting what you want in your relationship, it is simply due to your partner's not understanding what you want. This situation cannot be "fixed" by words, because we're talking about two different orientations. You are who you are; we are who we are.

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Relationships are about 50% compromise on both sides concerning all aspects!

So why does your asexuality suddenly get classed as something with more substance than his/her sexuality?

For example: You absolutely love the outdoors, but your partner has recently admitted he/she is too jealous to have anyone else see you. He/She locks you in a room and only lets you out on his/her terms once a month...would you feel loved and respected?

i understand that, partners should occasionally give up there wishes to fulfill there partners. cumming from someone who was in a relationship who the partner constantly wanted to have sex i understood this and complied about every week or so (note at this point i didn't know that asexual was a thing). i didn't like it but i did it because she wanted to, but my heart was never in it. aces will usually comply every once in a while, but if you want our hearts to be in it, its just not going to happen.

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As the sexual partner in a mixed orientation relationship, I think one of the things that has helped me move away from thinking about why he doesn't or if he could compromise more, or for that matter the myriad of negative thoughts that can accompany sexual disparity in a relationship is this: my relationship is non traditional...I don't need to and shouldn't be comparing myself to other couples.

I don't feel there is an easy answer to the issue for either partner, but that it's something you get through together (or not).

I do think in regards to the title of this thread...the asexual partner doesn't need to be told why we want and need sex; the world around us, and we ourselves, generally make it abundantly clear.

OP, I understand the sadness and the frustration (I really do, and my husband can vouch for that), but in the end, I think the way to move past that lies in yourself.

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I terribly regret even writing this...

There I was reading threads on 'why sexuals like sex' or 'why they want sex'..My initial intention was to maybe give a clearer perspective to those asking these questions what we see sex as when we devote ourselves to a single partner and I did explain this right from the start. That certain decisions you make make us feel a certain way and that you also have to give us time to get used to something we never knew existed. Never once did I try to imply your views are wrong, that you have a condition or that we are trying to force our views on you. Never once was I seeking advice on a certain issue.

Being a person I can sympathize with and even understand that certain people dont enjoy something...but in my situation things are different than what you all explain here. Probably why you react strongly to it as you feel it is a blame game...Which I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart it was not.

The same way some of you felt I treated you, you did to me because you misunderstood my intentions with this. Now everytime from here on(after all your comments)when I have sex with my partner I will probably feel that I am forcing him to do it whether he initiates it or not because that is all I heard about sexuals.

This was not focussed towards each and every person here but more to those who asked above mentioned questions.

The moral is that we are all human whether sexual or not. We all have feelings and we dont all like the same things. As misunderstood as asexuals feel, likewise do sexuals.

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I believe your intentions were good Mietsiekat, as I've indeed read the same very threads too. Your initial post did rejuvenate my perception of sex being an important asset to many relationships; the vulnerability, the intimacy, etc and then having that revoked could be very troubling.

What it ultimately comes down to of course is how we all differently express love. To me, just the action of me sharing really personal shades of me to another person is an act of love, especially if the other person mutually does the same, as it shows a deep level of connection (in my eyes). If suddenly that waned, I'd feel devastated in the relationship most likely in the same way you feel about when sex wanes.

I think we all can agree that communication (tons!!) is essential with all relationships. Sometimes it's just best to move on and avoid the whole "I feel locked up in a room" situation. If things can get worked out, awesome! If not, always good to consider the healthiest course of action ;)

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Jaded Princess

Okay, I'm pissed. Imma try and keep it civil. I actually think one of the sexual husbands had it right, the analogy was about being forced to eat a food you didn't like, but being told it was healthy and natural, having a meal put infront of you every day and being told to eat it etc etc paraphrasing etc

This to me just felt like a huge guilt trip. It frustrates me when sexuals think it's 'No big deal, just do it', all I hear is 'Spread em, I wanna get off'

I am more then a fleshlight with extra attachments.

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I am very dismayed reading all the responses to what was supposed to a sincere post of a question many of us have trouble understanding. The key word there understanding. For the past couple of days, i have been reading posts with similar responses, where the person doesnt seem to.understand what the other is saying at all but instead reacting to what they have inferred. Here is the thing about reading and comprehension you have to take the time to consider what you have read, to try and actually understand their point of view, then proceed with your response. Her point in thos entire post is not to harm ,demean or put down ANYONE, she made that clear from the very begining, yet there were many people accusing her of things she didn't or misunderstanding her words. Her point of explaining the importance of sex got lost in the asexual's needs vs.sexual's needs once again. OP thank you for trying to bring more understanding. Amd explaining to us some of sexuals view.

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Unfortunately communicating ideas can be difficult at times. Certain things can never be encapsulated in words, although each and every human society has tried to do so and will continue to do so until the end of time. One such example is love.

The very fact that words are imperfect means that misunderstandings can occur. But if we listen to one another and reflect on what we have said they can serve as excellent opportunities for learning.

Each of us has our own intentions and I think that for the vast majority of the people on AVEN, including the OP, they are good. Intentions, however, are not something that is static. You can have the good intention to want to clarify or add to understandings, but this can cease to effect a positive contribution if it is hurtful to the community you are expressing it to.

Many people responded as if they were hurt because for many in this community the language selected by the OP, regardless of intentions, did trigger memories of painful experiences that they have and are living. I know it did for me.

Now this response can put someone on the defensive, but it should instead put someone on a learning offensive.

This is a community with its own understandings, its own sensitivities, its own common and unique experiences. It provides strength to many because it provides a common space for us to build mutual understandings.

For those of us who are just joining this community, or seeking to become a part of it, it becomes our responsibility to learn the language. And it is the responsibility of others who have the patience and time to help them learn it.

When someone suggests that the word you use is offensive, or demeaning, or some how damaging to them, one doesn't learn how to speak their language and the language of an ally by ignoring the meanings of that community. You embrace it. You learn to speak it, you learn how to understand it.

We are all infants when we enter a new community. If we carry on as if we already know everything or if that community is wrong, we will never learn anything from it and will most likely become a burden to those wanting to help us join it.

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I am very dismayed reading all the responses to what was supposed to a sincere post of a question many of us have trouble understanding. The key word there understanding. For the past couple of days, i have been reading posts with similar responses, where the person doesnt seem to.understand what the other is saying at all but instead reacting to what they have inferred. Here is the thing about reading and comprehension you have to take the time to consider what you have read, to try and actually understand their point of view, then proceed with your response. Her point in thos entire post is not to harm ,demean or put down ANYONE, she made that clear from the very begining, yet there were many people accusing her of things she didn't or misunderstanding her words. Her point of explaining the importance of sex got lost in the asexual's needs vs.sexual's needs once again. OP thank you for trying to bring more understanding. Amd explaining to us some of sexuals view.

I understood what the OP meant completely...or almost. I just couldn't put it down in a response because it's one of those thoughts that can't seem to be put elsewhere. I can see it in my head but I can't think of the words. I'll try to put it to words with the best of my ability:

From what I thought when I read the post, I originally thought the last line as a plea. As the OP responded, though, it was a plea. But what I saw first, though, was a sense of misunderstanding that goes both ways: Some of us could not understand the OP because of various reasons and, just as importantly, the inability to relate to their needs. Being barred from that results in a kind of one-sidedness that damages the balance of the relationship. The thing that stood out to me, however, was the stereotypes mentioned (like being born with sex manuals, etc.). It's something that is subconsciously jammed into (at least) my mind when I thought of sexuals. Like all stereotypes, however, that must be eliminated. It's that toxic "mental block" that keeps both sides from understanding one another. Of course, I'm going off assumptions here, so don't be offended if I knock a nerve or two. Sex and intimacy are interpreted differently, depending on the person. Once both sides reach an understanding there, they act accordingly. If an asexual doesn't want to have sex but the sexual in the relationship does, then there must be some sort of solution that can restore balance to said relationship. Some make the relationship open, so the sexual has someone to have sex with (I wouldn't do this but this is an example). Other times, it is the asexual that needs to put out. Why? Because, as the OP said, it is love that's important. If an asexual truly loves a sexual, then it is critical to meet their needs while they meet yours. I'm running out of things to say but I tried to put what was in my head to words, and it wasn't easy.

I believe your intentions were good Mietsiekat, as I've indeed read the same very threads too. Your initial post did rejuvenate my perception of sex being an important asset to many relationships; the vulnerability, the intimacy, etc and then having that revoked could be very troubling.

What it ultimately comes down to of course is how we all differently express love. To me, just the action of me sharing really personal shades of me to another person is an act of love, especially if the other person mutually does the same, as it shows a deep level of connection (in my eyes). If suddenly that waned, I'd feel devastated in the relationship most likely in the same way you feel about when sex wanes.

I think we all can agree that communication (tons!!) is essential with all relationships. Sometimes it's just best to move on and avoid the whole "I feel locked up in a room" situation. If things can get worked out, awesome! If not, always good to consider the healthiest course of action ;)

This, pretty much. I knew you had good intentions, OP. In some ways, you did make me reconsider a few opinions of mine.

It is hard for some of us to look through the lens of sexuals because we can't relate to their frustrations or desires. The reverse is true as well. If there was any misunderstanding on my part, my apologies.

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We all have feelings and we dont all like the same things. As misunderstood as asexuals feel, likewise do sexuals.

Very true. You've read people's replies and they told you a handful already. I would rather ask you something, if that's okay. At what point in your life did you start to feel about sex as a need? When did it become so important?

What I am meaning to ask with this is, did it happen right with or after your first sexual experience? Was there a switch flipped when your "virginity" was taken? Was it an acquired taste, or did your craving build right away once your body was capable of experiencing those sensations? And also, do you think you would feel differently about this if you never gave in to have a first sexual experience; would sex still be seen as a need by you as a sexually inexperienced person?

I always wondered about this, but no sexual was yet willing to answer this. I understand if it's too personal. I am asking this because I do not see sex as a need. It's a want. I understand the mental health aspect around it. Trust me, I am not disputing that. Personally, I obviously don't experience it like that at all, but I understand that it feels that way to you. I cannot compare my nonexistent sexual attraction, so let me use my romantic one instead. I don't need romantic love or interactions in my life. I might desperately ache for it, but I will survive alone. Yes, I would definitely survive alone and I would also survive being lonely. Because I happen to be wired that way, I would feel this romance enriching my life. But if you say that sexual activity is a need, then you are implying that you'd physically die if you didn't do that and that is just not true. You have a need for nutrition and hydration, for example. But not one for sex. That's why I asked and it would be very interesting to hear personal experiences of when the switch flips (for people who experience sexual attraction).

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Sage Raven Domino

Her point in thos entire post is not to harm ,demean or put down ANYONE, she made that clear from the very begining, yet there were many people accusing her of things she didn't or misunderstanding her words. Her point of explaining the importance of sex got lost in the asexual's needs vs.sexual's needs once again. OP thank you for trying to bring more understanding. Amd explaining to us some of sexuals view.

I don't think it's been the first time when a similar sexuals' view (that, to them, sex is an irreplaceable method of spiritual rapport) has been expressed (see e.g. the explanation by Down in Texas and Skullery Maid starting from here).

I think the only thing that OP did wrong is that she made a title for the thread as if she was speaking on behalf of sexuals as a group; it could also be perceived as if she was trying to give a lesson to aces. Hence the replies (at least mine) were directed not at her alone, but at sexuals as a group, and I felt compelled to remind sexuals once again that aces' freedom of refusal of penetration has to be respected in order for a relationship to survive.

That's an 'asexual emancipation' movement, if you wish. My discontent with the current 'standard' of mixed orientation couple compromise is bound to spill over into every thread where it's mentioned, even tangentially. I'm sorry for that. (I did address OP's main message in my first post itt.)

Sexuals need to understand that it takes a lot of patience and compassion for them to sustain a relationship with an ace, especially a repulsed one. They can't simply hook an ace who's 'desperately single' and 'there for the taking' by promising that hardly any amount of sex will be demanded and then fail to keep the promise.

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The same way some of you felt I treated you, you did to me because you misunderstood my intentions with this. Now everytime from here on(after all your comments)when I have sex with my partner I will probably feel that I am forcing him to do it whether he initiates it or not because that is all I heard about sexuals.

Now you're the one misreading what everyone is telling you. Nobody is mad because you need sex. We're annoyed that you turned your thread into telling asexuals that we should do it every so often to make our partner happy which isn't possible for many of us and made it out like we'd be the bad guy for refusing. You didn't specify "if they enjoy it" or special circumstances, or say you only meant your own circumstances. You said asexuals should have sex so their partner doesn't suffer. Whether or not your partner enjoys it is a separate situation from you telling all asexuals we should compromise because that's just part of being in a relationship. Everybody is different. As important as it is for the asexual to understand why it's important to you, simply understanding will not work for everyone. For people who are fine with having sex, it might help a lot. The bottom line is you shouldn't have implied that it's the asexual's responsibility to compromise and have sex, even implying that the only one that's unfair to is the sexual. I'm basically repeating things I've said to you repeatedly but clearly it isn't getting through.

I realize you didn't INTEND to make it a blame game or a guilt trip but as I said, meant well doesn't always mean went well. I had a well-meaning friend say some awful things to me before under the intentions of helping me and hey, it didn't make them any less horrible or harmful.

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself for being called out, maybe you should realize where you might have went wrong and work from there instead of only editing your post to make excuses.

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Ricecream-man

I am very dismayed reading all the responses to what was supposed to a sincere post of a question many of us have trouble understanding. The key word there understanding. For the past couple of days, i have been reading posts with similar responses, where the person doesnt seem to.understand what the other is saying at all but instead reacting to what they have inferred. Here is the thing about reading and comprehension you have to take the time to consider what you have read, to try and actually understand their point of view, then proceed with your response. Her point in thos entire post is not to harm ,demean or put down ANYONE, she made that clear from the very begining, yet there were many people accusing her of things she didn't or misunderstanding her words. Her point of explaining the importance of sex got lost in the asexual's needs vs.sexual's needs once again. OP thank you for trying to bring more understanding. Amd explaining to us some of sexuals view.

I don't think anybody thought that she was intending to harm anybody or hurt people. I feel that we all understood that she meant well.

Some people have been hurt due to similar views and so their responses are influenced by these past experiences and could have come out angrier as well.

Any asexual who's been in a relationship with a more sexual person (and even many who haven't) understands the desire and/or need for sex. In any healthy relationship I would like to believe that most asexuals also understand that it's more than just a physical need, that it's an extension and expression of their emotions. Everyone has different ways of expressing love and affection and different ways in which they desire to be shown that same love and affection. I get that.

The point of my response and I feel the responses of many others here is that having more sex is not that simple.

I think that Serran gave forth one of the best personal examples. The desire and/or the tolerance of sexual activity is both fluid and dependent on the individual. Some may enjoy sex but only in extremely small doses. Others may be able to have it because they love the way it makes their partners feel, but may be able to engage in it often one week but need a break the next. Even in sexual-sexual relationships, the couple's don't have sex all the time. You have to be in the right "mood" for it and it's a major point of conflict that's seen throughout marriage counselings.

Nobody is saying that all asexuals abhor sex or consider it a chore at best. I just wanted to try and explain to the OP that:

1. Most asexual partners do understand your needs and want to fulfill them.

and 2. It's not always as simple as saying "oh yeah, I can have more sex"

Again, some asexuals can and do enjoy sex in the right situations. They don't desire it, crave it, or anything like that but just as seeing someone open a gift or seeing their relaxed faces when receiving a massage can be enjoyable seeing their happiness with sex can be enjoyable as well.

It's up to each partner and each relationship dynamic to communicate their individual needs and discover what works best.

The biggest thing I'm trying to say is that, we really do understand. Thank you for your good intentions, really it's nice to see people who care. Yet, for most of us who have been in such relationships it's as hard for us as it is for you.

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Maybe this will help to foster understanding between the Orientations - An Asexual pressured into being Sexual is the same misery as a Gay person pressured into being Straight.

It's not a matter of how you feel, but of who you are.

There's an old saying - If the shoe don't fit, it ain't your shoe. Maybe that applies here, or maybe I just really need coffee.

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Kanenas I can certainly try and explain how things happened for me. This does not mean it happens this way for all sexuals.

If I say anything that you do not understand,please tell me and I will try to explain it better.

I would also like to add(not as an excuse) that English is not my first language and I think that could possibly be the reason I could have expressed things a bit harshly...

For me finding sex pleasurable was something I had to acquire over time.

Im not sure why it happened like this in my case, but I would like to elaborate and explain more.

My first time was also with a fellow virgin so the experience lasted maybe 5 seconds. After this I felt like I was 'dirty', like I did something disgusting because there was no pleasure. Yes I cried and cried and got sick to my stomach for a long while after just thinking about it. After this it took me about 5 years to try again and this time it was with someone much older and experienced...but even then it was just bearable. This same relationship turned verbally and sexually abusive. I was told that it is 'women who look like you(me)' that do these things and "dont worry it wont hurt that bad' and when I said no verbal abuse was to follow. At this point I hated sex. After I met my husband a few months went by and as one thing led to the next we had sex for the first time. He was gentle and foreplay was very important to him...he asked questions in regard to what I was comfortable with and he sticked to that. For instance I was grossed out with recieving oral sex due to past experiences and he accepted that. He waited for me to allow or ask for more. He was passionate and showed me what that intimate connection could be like...AMAZING! I also loved holding hands and kissing him...yes it also showed love but he proved to me that sex is more than just an act of self gratification. With his perfect touch and gentleness he could give me an orgasm almost immediately, something which never happened before. And to him it was never'just get on and then climb off'. He made it something special.

As I explained above all these things suddenly stopped - passion, holding hands. No warning no reasons. I was left emotionally void.

He introduced me to how wonderful it could be and then later shut me out completely.

So to answer your questions...no I dont need sex or ill die physically, but yes now I need that intimate connection we once had to not 'die emotionally'! I also feel sex is an acquired taste and I honestly believe with the right partner alot of people could enjoy it. And if I never experience sex the way I had with my husband I would never have felt this strongly about it. If I never had sex before I would definately also not see it the way I do now!

Hope this helps.

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Miscommunication is unfortunate both ways, but it's basically a given that people are going to interpret what the OP has said the way they have.

You can't blame only the other side for misunderstanding if you're talking about a personal experince, yet say it like you're speaking on behalf of everyone. I'm sorry if you don't want advice on this, Mietsiekat, but you're doing just that. If you're claiming to explain why sexuals need sex and why you feel asexuals should compromise, when you're actually talking about why you need sex and why you feel your partner should compromise, you can't be surprised when people disagree. Of course they're going to point out the cases you didn't speak for, if you claim you're speaking for more than yourself. To all of that you answer that YOUR situation is very different from what they are saying, but then you go again with genaralization. Of course it's good that you're talking about your experience, and it can bring more understanding, but for that you should be more clear on the fact that you speak for yourself (and those who do feel the same way) and not for the ones for whom your viewpoint isn't applicable.

The same way some of you felt I treated you, you did to me because you misunderstood my intentions with this. Now everytime from here on(after all your comments)when I have sex with my partner I will probably feel that I am forcing him to do it whether he initiates it or not because that is all I heard about sexuals.

I understand you feel hurt because your approach is being criticized but not one person here claimed anything like this. Like you, they weren't talking for everyone, except for the fact they made it more clear. They only brought these cases to the picture because they felt like you ignored these viewpoints and claimed to speak on behalf of more people than you can.

It doesn't help your case at all to act like a martyr, since everyone's words were only directed at you if you do, in fact pressure your partner to do something that's not mentally healthy for them. If that's not the case between you and your partner, then everyone's words about those kind of things were simply not directed at you, so you don't have to act hurt about it.

You can, by all means, direct what you explain in this thread to those who have asked questions about how sexuals feel about sex, but it would seriously help if you stated from the beginning that you aren't trying to extend your personal experience on other people and you're not trying to make your views a general rule.

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Sage Raven Domino

After I met my husband a few months went by and as one thing led to the next we had sex for the first time. He was gentle and foreplay was very important to him...he asked questions in regard to what I was comfortable with and he sticked to that. For instance I was grossed out with recieving oral sex due to past experiences and he accepted that. He waited for me to allow or ask for more. He was passionate and showed me what that intimate connection could be like...AMAZING! I also loved holding hands and kissing him...yes it also showed love but he proved to me that sex is more than just an act of self gratification. With his perfect touch and gentleness he could give me an orgasm almost immediately, something which never happened before. And to him it was never'just get on and then climb off'. He made it something special.

The fact that when aces / grey do have sex, they're often better lovers than an average sexual, has a simple explanation. I've been told that sex is a usually trade-off between one's own pleasure and the partner's one, i.e. people find it hard to focus on achieving both orgasms at the same time. A significant part of aces can't get their own orgasm during partnered sex, so they're concentrated on the partner's one 100% of the time :) (or at least that's how I'd do it because I can rely on my hand to get my own highest quality orgasm when the hypothetical partner is (necessarily) not around :D).

The better quality of foreplay and orgasms delivered by such aces / grey also means that the frequency of sex needed for the same amount of satisfaction per month is lower ;)

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