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aforestfae

Can you explain ace/aro/grey to me?

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aforestfae

And any other specific ace/aro spectrum identities please :)

I came across this website

http://www.demisexuality.org/couldibedemisexual.html

(also the FAQ's on that page were really good)

And everything on there just felt so right, like they were describing me, but I'm having doubts and wondering exactly how similar descriptions/explanations for the rest of the ace/aro spectrum would fit me

Sorry about asking a rather obvious question here but I'm in an almost constantly questioning state and just want some clear 'could I be...?' examples for me to fully understand and help me figure out if I'm really demi or ace/aro or grey-a as this is becoming a big frustration for me.

If you don't have explanations but you know links to similar sites for all the ace/aro spectrum identities I'd appreciate them :)

Thank you ^_^

Also is anyone having problems accessing this site? I keep getting no data received and having to refresh the page multiple times before it finally loads and then to click on a link means repeating the process, sorry if this has been covered

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Purnkin Spurce

asexual= Someone who does not experience sexual attraction to anyone.

Aro= Someone who does not experience romantic attraction to anyone

Grey= Someone who experience sexual attraction very rarely

Demisexual= Someone who only experience sexual attraction when creating an emotional bond with another.

Details:

Aromantic- doesn't apply to all asexuals, sexual people can be aromantic as well ex: (aromantic heterosexual)

Grey Asexual- Someone who only experience sexual attraction on rare occasions. Maybe once a month they feel a brief moment of sexual attraction to for person.

Demisexual- ex: A girl who's never experienced sexual attraction or desire, becomes very emotionally bonded with another person and starts to develop some sexual feelings. But ONLY for that person.

I hope that helps a bit.

If I got any of this wrong feel free to correct me.

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aforestfae

Forgive me for asking a potentially silly question but can you intuitively know, just gut instinct?

My experience (or lack of I should say) would suggest ace/aro, but all the stuff about demi I read just felt so familiar, I don't know maybe i'm trying to make it fit :unsure:

Read the FAQ here and the one main issue I have with identifying as Ace is this 'I can't identify as asexual. What if I find the right person and start being sexual with them?'

I genuinely believe that if I got close enough to someone I found aesthetically attractive and interesting I'd have the romantic and sexual feelings towards them, of course I could be completely wrong (that's always how I thought it worked anyway)

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Star Bit

Grey-A is an umbrella term for anything between having sexual attraction and not having it. Demi is a type of Grey-A and it is far more than just having sexual attraction rarely. They may also experience it under specific cercomstances (such as a fetish, etc.), experience the attraction but it fades away (off and on or perminently), experience sexual arousal and desire but not desire it in real life, sexual attraction to only fictional characters, etc.

Maybe the OP is having trouble because of this: Sexual and romantic attraction have two parts; arousal and desire (note, the definition of arousal is not sexual). Sexual attraction requires genital arousal and the desire to have sex. Romantic attraction requires romantic arousal/a "soft spot" or fixation and the desire to be with them romantically. Not having one of the two can count as asexual/aromantic. Having the desire despite no target of arousal is called Cupioromantic/Cupiosexual. Also, there is "romance indifferent" and "sex indifferent" aka apathromantic/apathsexual. This does not specify if the person does or does not have the attraction, just that they are indifferent of being in such a relationship.

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aforestfae

Grey-A is an umbrella term for anything between having sexual attraction and not having it. Demi is a type of Grey-A and it is far more than just having sexual attraction rarely. They may also experience it under specific inducing cercomstances, experience the attraction but it fades away (off and on or perminently), experience sexual arousal and desire but not desire it in real life, sexual attraction to only fictional characters, etc.

Sexual attraction (plus romantic) to fictional characters is something I am all too familiar with, am I understanding you right as that can be demi?

I'm so terribly confused

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Star Bit

No, i meant those other types are types of Grey-A. Demi is a specific type of Grey-A.

Fictosexual and Fictoromantic fit under the Grey umbrella because it's stuck as only a fantacy. But you can identify as asexual if you don't desire sex or feel sexual attraction irl.

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aforestfae

No, i meant those other types are types of Grey-A. Demi is a specific type of Grey-A.

Fictosexual and Fictoromantic fit under the Grey umbrella because it's stuck as only a fantacy.

Oh I understand you now

Is there a proper explanation/example of ficto sexual/romantic?

I think without some kind of example to relate to I don't feel comfortable with identifying that way

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Star Bit

Um, ok. (btw it can be for any medim of fictional character; live action, animated, book, etc, and means they can only feel sexual attraction for fictional characters otherwise it's just a fetish) Lets say you're attracted to Loki ^_^. You fantasize about having a romantic or sexual relationship with him, as well as doing so with other fictional crushes. You are only sexually or romantically attracted to fictional characters. This is Fictosexual/romantic.

I suppose sex only in cosplay, dressed up sexdolls, and body pillows count but i haven't heard that from the handfull of ppl I've talked with that identify as it.

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aforestfae

Um, ok. (btw it can be for any medim of fictional character; live action, animated, book, etc, and means they can only feel sexual attraction for fictional characters otherwise it's just a fetish) Lets say you're attracted to Loki ^_^. You fantasize about having a romantic or sexual relationship with him, as well as doing so with other fictional crushes. You are only sexually or romantically attracted to fictional characters. This is Fictosexual/romantic.

I suppose sex only in cosplay, dressed up sexdolls, and body pillows count but i haven't heard that from the handfull of ppl I've talked with that identify as it.

I get it now...although it describes my experiences thus far I'm still not sure about if it's 'me' I think I'm too worried about my future experiences rather than the now, maybe one day I'll feel comfortable in that identity more than any other

I do think the second part of that with the cosplay etc. makes me uncomfortable, the idea of it anyway, and that doesn't happen often :lol: personally that bit would be a complete no for me.

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Star Bit

You can still identify as asexual if you don't desire sex irl. Fictos most likely go by that publically. To alot of ppl, Grey-A is more of a "sex maybe" title, so I'm not sure if you would want to go by that in place of ficto.

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aforestfae

You can still identify as asexual if you don't desire sex irl. Fictos most likely go by that publically. To alot of ppl, Grey-A is more of a "sex maybe" title, so I'm not sure if you would want to go by that in place of ficto.

But I do, just not with anyone yet, I don't think I've ever experienced sexual attraction to a real person, I just can't do that, I don't want sex with someone I don't know, the idea makes me uncomfortable, it doesn't even occur to me when I'm around people, but the idea of with someone I do know and love very dearly is much more pleasant.

I think I may have developed crushes on tutors and even co-workers because they were nice/kind/funny and somewhat aesthetically pleasing :blink: (very mild crush which I hate anyway, didn't even realise this tiny piece of info until now...)

But the fictional crushes develop into way more, I wish I knew why, maybe because I'm willing to fantasize about that relationship and not with real people, it feels wrong the other way around

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aforestfae

I'm sorry but I have another question, I never realised how uneducated I was about asexuality, there needs to be some serious improvement in the teaching of sexual identities, school never covered all the different sexual identities/romantic identities and I think that's partly why I'm so confused.

Anyway my question, which I'm sorry if it's really obvious and stupid, is If you desire to have sex, actually enjoy the idea of sex just not with a particular person but whoever you may one day fall in love with, can you still be ace?

I'm guessing so since you can not have sexual attraction but want sex I think, correct me if I'm wrong please :)

Also how can you tell if you actually have experienced sexual attraction or whether it was just the desire for sex being applied to the current crush?

I'm not sure I explained that well, desire for sex due to hormonal changes or just a random desire for sex is what I mean.

TMI warning!: I mean I can get turned on by the thought of it/seeing sexual imagery but not an actual desire to act on it with who I'm looking at (Unless it's my fictional crush at the time or the idea of being with a partner, then the idea is totally fine with me) But is that sexual attraction or another thing?

Sorry I'm a bit confused about it still

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JohnDoe1995

Okay, I think I know what your main problem is & I want to address it first - don't worry about the future. Humans change, & so does their sexuality. When a label doesn't fit anymore, you just change it. For example, when you were 5 years old, the label child was suitable, when you were 16, the label changed to teen & when you'll be 70 it will change to senior citizen (or just old). If right now asexual or fictiosexual feels right, use them. If you'll meet someone you do feel sexual attraction to, change the label.

If I understand your last question correctly, then absolutely. You can be sex-positive & have an average+ sex drive/libido, & still be ace (as long as you don't find people sexually attractive). The difference is like that:

Sex drive/libido: I want sex

Sexual attraction: with this person

Sexual attraction is having a target to focus your libido on. If you don't feel sexual attraction, you have nowhere to target that libido, which still counts as being ace.

& for your main request: http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/67669933207/words-and-concepts-used-in-asexual-communities

If you didn't understand something or want to elaborate, feel free to PM me.

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aforestfae

Okay, I think I know what your main problem is & I want to address it first - don't worry about the future. Humans change, & so does their sexuality. When a label doesn't fit anymore, you just change it. For example, when you were 5 years old, the label child was suitable, when you were 16, the label changed to teen & when you'll be 70 it will change to senior citizen (or just old). If right now asexual or fictiosexual feels right, use them. If you'll meet someone you do feel sexual attraction to, change the label.

If I understand your last question correctly, then absolutely. You can be sex-positive & have an average+ sex drive/libido, & still be ace (as long as you don't find people sexually attractive). The difference is like that:

Sex drive/libido: I want sex

Sexual attraction: with this person

Sexual attraction is having a target to focus your libido on. If you don't feel sexual attraction, you have nowhere to target that libido, which still counts as being ace.

& for your main request: http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/67669933207/words-and-concepts-used-in-asexual-communities

If you didn't understand something or want to elaborate, feel free to PM me.

Agree totally with your first point, I'm terrible and although I know it can change over time I don't like applying that to myself, I'd feel bad, like I had been lying all the time before, which obviously isn't the case.

Thank you for the link

So if I'm understanding correctly it would be classed as sexual attraction if the desire kicked in first and you applied it to your current fictional (or RL) crush? They aren't the cause, just a face to it/ the idea of sex with them is ok = Sexual attraction? or am I way off?

Thank you for your help with my previous questions :)

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Star Bit

If you end up having sexual attraction for one special person then it would seem that sexual attraction is just rare and thus a type of Gray-A. Although some asexuals can enjoy sex, they just dont desire it or do not find anyone sexually arousing past obvious physical stimulation during sex (though some cant even get that). However, if someone desires sex but not due to a specific target then this is technically still not fully sexual attraction and can be asexual because the reverse is still a type of asexual (arousal but no sexual desire); they find no one sexually inticing (though may have preferences) but desire sex. Though this is typically called Cupiosexual. There is also a difference between concent and sexual desire. To me drive is also apart of attraction/if you dont want the relationship despite the inticement then i would not fully say they are attracted. So you both need genital arousal due to the existance of a person (not solely due to a fetish or turn on spot) and the desire to have sex (not the indifference of having sex) for it to be sexual attraction. Low sex drive can also be called Gray-A, so there are other things that prove this double requirement. An asexual having sexual concent still makes them asexual, though I've heard a couple ppl identify as demisexual because they are demi-concent. Though i don't think thats accurate because the asexual would still not have sexual desire and thats problamatic in relationships (they wouldn't be initiating the sex or enjoying it as much as their partner).

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Perseus

Ace- No sexual attraction

Aro- No romantic attraction

Grey- Rare attraction

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Star Bit

Grey is more than just rare, its an umbrella term for anything between having and not having the attraction.

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