Relationship Advice

[steve1031]

Hello Everyone!
I'm new on here and so far everything I have read has been a lot of help and enlightened myself on the different aspects of the asexual community. I still have a few questions if anyone could just give me some help in my personal relationship.

I'll start out by saying that I always knew that there was something different about me, and even when I came out of the closet as being gay I still thought something was wrong. I defiantly liked guys and was attracted physically to them, but I never really had the urge to have sex with anyone. I thought that I might be asexual but just interested in a romantic relationship with a man.

Today I am in a relationship, and we entered the relationship with the same feelings. He has no sexual desire and I felt the same way. For the past 5 months everything was going great. We kissed, held hands, and cuddled all the time. He sleeps at my house all the time and it's wonderful.

So I knew for the past couple of moths that things started to change for me, I started to desire him in a sexual way. I suppressed the feelings, but over this past weekend it was Valentine's Day, and I think things kinda got out of hand. We went to bed and everything was fine but i woke up in the middle of the night with a desire and I was not thinking rationally. I don't want to give too many dirty details but I woke him up and we started to mess around a little I guess. I was on top of him and we were just making out, which is normal. Then I just slid my hand down his pants and grabbed his butt. It was weird and I could tell he didn't like it, but I really liked it. I stopped for a second and asked if he was okay and he just gave me a "yeah".

We did that for a little while but then I just got more into him and just was looking at how attractive he was and I was just so turned on, I took my hand out of his pants and reached around to touch his other parts, and that's when he said no and I stopped rite there and apologized. I felt like shit immediately and didn't understand why I would do something like that when I knew he didn't want it. We slept for a little while longer and then early in the morning we kinda started to go at it again. We started to kiss and when he said i love you to me I just lost it. I was so turned on and couldn't control myself. Logically I knew what I was doing, and I wanted to do it even know I knew he didn't feel the same way. Once again it's not like anything too crazy happened but I started to kiss his chest and his nipples and working my way down to his lower tummy. When I got down there I all I wanted to do was take off his pants and keep going but I stopped myself because I knew how uncomfortable it would make him, and that he would stop me anyway. I just kinda stayed down there for a little while before he brought me back up to kiss him again. At this point (this may be a little TMI) I could feel him on my stomach, and my crotch was touching his butt and I think he could feel it too, and so I guess I just started dry humping him...ew. He dealt with it for a little while and we were kissing while I was doing it, but I could tell that's all he was doing, dealing with it. At this point he just looked at me and said "do you see what your doing rite now", and I just stopped and looked at him and then he asked "do you want to have sex?" And I shook my head yes. I could just see the disappointment in his face and I started crying and apologizing because i felt like i was letting him down.

He told me that we just have to talk about it so we got out of bed and he took a shower and i made breakfast. We ate and just goofed around for a little while when i finally said so are we going to talk about this. I explained to him what i was going through and he said that he understood but did not feel the same way. I was just telling him how sorry i was about the way i acted and i said that i would never do it again. And at the time i thought that that was the truth. Now really looking at the situation i don't know what to do. I feel like i made a promise that i cant keep. I'm worried that i might make a move on him that he dose not want again because i cant help myself. I'm still struggling with the situation myself because i have never felt this way about anyone before, and there is no one else in this world that can make me feel that way other then him. I'm not going to lie to myself, i want to have sex with him, really really bad. I still understand how uncomfortable this may make him feel and can accept the fact that that may never happen. I would much rather be with him without any sexual contact then not be with him at all, and i did express this to him and he said okay and we moved on and haven't talked about it sync.

I guess i struggle because i want to have him, and i want that connection with him. Its only him, its not like i can go somewhere else to get what i want, because all i want is him. I guess what i need help with is how do i really talk to him about this topic without putting our relationship in danger? I don't even know how or when to bring it up. Also what are some compromises that can be made? I mean even just touching his butt, and dry humping(ew) him gave me so much satisfaction just knowing that he would let me do that, and the fact that i know that i'm the only person that can do that to him, it still left me wanting more. I guess i would like to hear peoples opinions of what i should do, how i should approach the situation, and what has worked for couples in the past. I do just want to note that in no way is it an option for me to break up with him and find what i need somewhere else, there is nowhere else.

Thanks Everyone,

Sorry for the long explanation

Steve

[chair jockey]

The latest thinking is that sexuality is fluid. Someone who was sexual before can become asexual. Someone who was asexual before can become demi or gray-a or sexual. Everyone has the right to evolve, but everyone also has the right of choice. It's a difficult choice that partners on this site could perhaps help you out with, but don't feel bad simply because you're going through natural changes.

[NukilikUlva]

Ah to be 100% honest I'm not the best advice giver but I tend to be really good with the emotional side of things. It sounds like you could be Demisexual (as in you only feel sexual attraction to people you've closely bonded with). Or you could just now be finding your libido. Either way you shouldn't feel any guilt! You're a human being, you have sexual desires. You love your boyfriend and you want to be physical and show it. Just because he doesn't see it the same way doesn't make it wrong. I'm going through something similar (I think.... but not quite as drastic as yours... no where near as drastic.) And it hurts... a lot, being rejected by the person you love so much. Knowing they don't mean it the way we're taking it is the only thing we can do. I've only ever been with one person and that's my girlfriend so I don't really have any... experienced advice on your situation, being lesbian kinda makes it hard for me to come up with any compromises for you ;P If he is classifying himself somewhere on the asexual side of things I would just begin to prepare myself for leading a celibate life. Also talk talk talk. Most relationships end because of lack of communication. One of the key things to do is don't make anything sound like a bad thing. Don't make accusations. Instead of saying YOU made ME feel this way. Say I felt this way during THIS situation. This takes the blame off of him. Use a calm reassuring tone, don't make it into something that seems like a big deal or you risk causing drama. Be sure to express your feelings. Ask lots of questions. Take this "big" conversation and break it down into little ones for over a week or more. I hope I helped? I might not have but I hope I did <3

[Star Bit]

It is hard on ppl to find out that they're Gray-A while in an asexual relationship. There really is no way to tell prior. Maybe mutual masturbation could work.