How to Come Out as Ace?

[chisquare]

Hi, I've been having trouble coming up a solution to this and then realized that this forum exists where I could ask for advice. A couple years ago I finally learned what asexuality truly was and began accepting it as an identity for myself, but I have told very few people as I have such trouble explaining it to others that identify as sexual. It has been especially plaguing because I am currently in a long-term relationship with someone, and I have not explained it to them yet. It makes me feel extremely guilty as if I'm possibly leading them on, but they haven't yet put me into situations where I would need to tell them.

Does anyone have any tips? How did you come out, so to speak? It's not that I'm so much afraid of being rejected, but I am afraid of being misunderstood.

Thank you. :)

[Amedot]

Coming out to close friends was easy. "I'm asexual." "Yes I know that."

Family is more difficult. What I did, I printed off information on asexuality, and after my parent(s) read it, I explained my own personal experience. They cried, hugged me, said they loved me. Throughout the past eight years, I've had to remind them that I'm asexual, and romantically attracted to women and nonbinary genders at that, and, typically, they seem okay with it... or at least, we have come to an understanding not to understand each other. Printing out definitions and other's experiences was really helpful, for me.

For public, I don't say anything unless asked, and I call out problematic stuff every time I get.

[9Lives]

I'm pretty new to all of this, and so far I've only attempted to come out to two people. I deliberately chose two friends who are members of the Lgbt(...) community and have personal experience with coming out to others. I guess I thought they'd be a bit more open to the idea than my heterosexual friends.

Think again. My trans friend, who is generally very accepting of everyone and everything flat out told me "I don't think you're asexual". My lesbian friend hasn't replied to my message yet... and it's been more than two weeks.

It's a bit discouraging, really. I was thinking of telling my Mum next, but I think I'll wait for a bit and gather my "arguments".

By the way - does anyone have any experience on how to deal with the "something's wrong with you, you should go see a therapist" thing and is willing to share? Because I have a feeling that's going to crop up in my family.

I wonder if there's any use in seeing somebody before it even comes up, to sort of have myself declared psychologically healthy. I'm terrified of psychologists and psychiatrists, though.

[Galaxia]

Well, it was not a big deal for me. I am just weird enough in all possible spheres of life, so I bet my surroundings got used to this years ago. And the fact that I am ace came as no surprise :D With my last long-term boyfriend it was even a funny moment. We were watching really awful and trashy horrors and he asked me if I really liked that kind of movies and I answered "Yes", then I added "By the way, I am not sexual as well". He was confused for a moment and replied: "I was guessing". Only my co-workers still cannot accept the fact and keep repeating that I simply cannot be asexual.

So I wanted to say that sometimes it seems difficult to come out as asexuals, we are worrying and trying to come up with good words or such, but it turns out to be much easier than we could expect :)

[CathMaybe]

Im in a similar situation, i haven't told anyone, though i think most can tell im not straight, or that i get uncomfortable when talking about relationships. Like my brother thought i was gay! It was funny at first, but now im just to scared... it's even worse when boys ask me out, i get so freaked out and i dont want to have to do some long lesson on sexuality so i just go with the flow hoping they dont do more than flirt. My sister has been able to come out as pansexual and i was jealous of her courage, it wasnt a big thing, like my brother asked her if there were any boys she liked and when she said no he was like "so are you a lesbian?" He said as a joke, and she didnt even blink, just said "im pansexual so i can like girls if i wanna." And after telling him what it meant he was like oh okay it was a bit awkward. I know this comment is probably unwanted and unhelpful but yeah...

[hamilton]

I'm an outlier, but I did a video on Facebook for everyone I'm friends with.

[JohnDoe1995]

I know how you feel. I told a couple of friends sometime after I found out myself & I didn't get really clear reactions. It seemed like they weren't convinced or didn't understand it very well.

I really wanted to tell my parents, but knowing them, I figured I should talk with my mom & later my dad. Coming out to my mom was scary at first, but after I started explaining everything, she said she knows how I feel. At the end of the conversation I was 90% sure my mom is demi & doesn't know it.

I'm still trying to find the right time & way to explain it to my dad...

Sorry for being so scattered with my thought, but my point is that your parents might understand it better & will be more accepting then you think. Maybe one of them is also ace-spectrum XD

[chisquare]

Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate it! (Now hopefully I'm replying to everyone in the correct forum manner, haha.)

Coming out to close friends was easy. "I'm asexual." "Yes I know that."

Family is more difficult. What I did, I printed off information on asexuality, and after my parent(s) read it, I explained my own personal experience. They cried, hugged me, said they loved me. Throughout the past eight years, I've had to remind them that I'm asexual, and romantically attracted to women and nonbinary genders at that, and, typically, they seem okay with it... or at least, we have come to an understanding not to understand each other. Printing out definitions and other's experiences was really helpful, for me.

For public, I don't say anything unless asked, and I call out problematic stuff every time I get.

Having a print-out is a really good suggestion. Sometimes I forget points I'm trying to make so having it in front of me would really help. :)

I'm pretty new to all of this, and so far I've only attempted to come out to two people. I deliberately chose two friends who are members of the Lgbt(...) community and have personal experience with coming out to others. I guess I thought they'd be a bit more open to the idea than my heterosexual friends.
Think again. My trans friend, who is generally very accepting of everyone and everything flat out told me "I don't think you're asexual". My lesbian friend hasn't replied to my message yet... and it's been more than two weeks.
It's a bit discouraging, really. I was thinking of telling my Mum next, but I think I'll wait for a bit and gather my "arguments".
By the way - does anyone have any experience on how to deal with the "something's wrong with you, you should go see a therapist" thing and is willing to share? Because I have a feeling that's going to crop up in my family.
I wonder if there's any use in seeing somebody before it even comes up, to sort of have myself declared psychologically healthy. I'm terrified of psychologists and psychiatrists, though.

Wow, that's awful. I'm so sorry you had to go through with that it's horrible when people you are expecting to be more accepting aren't as open-minded as you thought...

I've personally talked to a neuropsychologist for some accident-related trauma and I'm a huge proponent for therapy. So if trying to come to terms with your sexual identity is causing you any kind of distress, I would say there is no harm in talking with someone! If you don't like it you don't have to see them again, and I think things like cognitive-behavioral therapy can be extremely beneficial even to those that are not struggling with mental illness.

Well, it was not a big deal for me. I am just weird enough in all possible spheres of life, so I bet my surroundings got used to this years ago. And the fact that I am ace came as no surprise :D With my last long-term boyfriend it was even a funny moment. We were watching really awful and trashy horrors and he asked me if I really liked that kind of movies and I answered "Yes", then I added "By the way, I am not sexual as well". He was confused for a moment and replied: "I was guessing". Only my co-workers still cannot accept the fact and keep repeating that I simply cannot be asexual.

So I wanted to say that sometimes it seems difficult to come out as asexuals, we are worrying and trying to come up with good words or such, but it turns out to be much easier than we could expect :)

Yeah I'm actually pretty sure my boyfriend is going to be pretty accepting? I kind of shy away from a lot of romantic things like kissing and such when I'm not in the mood and he doesn't try and press the issue. And the friends I have told have been accepting if not a little confused, though I am afraid my parents are not going to understand at all, haha.

Im in a similar situation, i haven't told anyone, though i think most can tell im not straight, or that i get uncomfortable when talking about relationships. Like my brother thought i was gay! It was funny at first, but now im just to scared... it's even worse when boys ask me out, i get so freaked out and i dont want to have to do some long lesson on sexuality so i just go with the flow hoping they dont do more than flirt. My sister has been able to come out as pansexual and i was jealous of her courage, it wasnt a big thing, like my brother asked her if there were any boys she liked and when she said no he was like "so are you a lesbian?" He said as a joke, and she didnt even blink, just said "im pansexual so i can like girls if i wanna." And after telling him what it meant he was like oh okay it was a bit awkward. I know this comment is probably unwanted and unhelpful but yeah...

No no, I don't mind hearing your story at all!! I'm sorry it's been so troubling for you, that makes it so much harder. Have you thought about just telling your sister? Maybe now that she is out she can help you and I'd hope she'd understanding where you are coming from.

I'm an outlier, but I did a video on Facebook for everyone I'm friends with.

Oh wow, that's super cool. I'm envious of your courage, hahaha.

I know how you feel. I told a couple of friends sometime after I found out myself & I didn't get really clear reactions. It seemed like they weren't convinced or didn't understand it very well.

I really wanted to tell my parents, but knowing them, I figured I should talk with my mom & later my dad. Coming out to my mom was scary at first, but after I started explaining everything, she said she knows how I feel. At the end of the conversation I was 90% sure my mom is demi & doesn't know it.

I'm still trying to find the right time & way to explain it to my dad...

Sorry for being so scattered with my thought, but my point is that your parents might understand it better & will be more accepting then you think. Maybe one of them is also ace-spectrum XD

Wow, that's awesome about your mom! Yeah, I think all of the friends I've told have been pretty understanding so far (and I'm pretty sure one of them is now coming out as asexual to me so that's pretty great!). I'm pretty worried about telling my parents, too. I just... don't expect them to understand it at all.

[HellaAce]

So far I've come out to a few people. The first two are two of my best friends who are bisexual and gay respectively. They simply said "Well, we were expecting that, we've known for awhile, it makes sense" etc. Of course, the news of my queerness spread to my group of friends who either accepted it, didn't comment, or asked me dozens of questions, which seemed pretty good to me.

After coming out to those people, I ceased to care who found out (except for my family, I'm choosing not to disclose it to them at the present moment). If I was met with a negative reaction, then I either tried to explain or used some choice profanities.

My best advice to you would be to go for it, just be like "Hey, I'm asexual, if you have questions ask but if you're going to be a jerk about it then leave me alone." This tactic worked for me, I'm not sure how it will work for you but you can give it a go.

[AngelinaTheHobbit]

I've known I was different sexually for seven years and asexual for three. I came out to my parents two years ago and have been providing them with information through the years. They both love me very much, but don't believe that asexuality exists.

Last week I came out to the rest of my friends through a private message on Facebook. Almost all of them have been very supportive, with the exception of my best friend back home and one of my mentors (they cut ties over the Biromantic bit though).

Everyone's coming out story is difficult. If you're scared of being misunderstood than go into your explanation with information and maybe offer to answer some questions that might come up. I hope everything goes well for you!

[SageMeadows]

I first told my two best friends because I was in the middle of a mild identity crisis over being gray-ace and not just 100% straight. They talked with me and let me basically use them as sounding boards and were really supportive.

I also posted about it on my tumblr, and several people gave me support or also told me that they were ace or gray-ace. It was nice.

I have not told my parents and have no plans to tell them as I don't think it's relevant.

Just try to be yourself and explain things, be prepared with information if you think you need to, and things will go fine. If people still don't want to accept you, that's on them. It sucks when people don't understand something so core to who you are, but... try to be positive. Everyone is different and someone who you thought might be difficult might support you the most. I hope things go well for you!

[chisquare]

So far I've come out to a few people. The first two are two of my best friends who are bisexual and gay respectively. They simply said "Well, we were expecting that, we've known for awhile, it makes sense" etc. Of course, the news of my queerness spread to my group of friends who either accepted it, didn't comment, or asked me dozens of questions, which seemed pretty good to me.

After coming out to those people, I ceased to care who found out (except for my family, I'm choosing not to disclose it to them at the present moment). If I was met with a negative reaction, then I either tried to explain or used some choice profanities.

My best advice to you would be to go for it, just be like "Hey, I'm asexual, if you have questions ask but if you're going to be a jerk about it then leave me alone." This tactic worked for me, I'm not sure how it will work for you but you can give it a go.

You go! Yeah, I feel like I should be at the point where if people don't understand then they aren't really worth my time. Being a jerk about how I view myself is probably a pretty good indicator that I don't want said person directly in my life, anyway.

I've known I was different sexually for seven years and asexual for three. I came out to my parents two years ago and have been providing them with information through the years. They both love me very much, but don't believe that asexuality exists.

Last week I came out to the rest of my friends through a private message on Facebook. Almost all of them have been very supportive, with the exception of my best friend back home and one of my mentors (they cut ties over the Biromantic bit though).

Everyone's coming out story is difficult. If you're scared of being misunderstood than go into your explanation with information and maybe offer to answer some questions that might come up. I hope everything goes well for you!

I'm glad most of them were supportive, but sorry about those who weren't since they were so close to you... (especially as someone who also sees themselves as biromantic). Thanks for the support and advice, I really appreciate it!

I first told my two best friends because I was in the middle of a mild identity crisis over being gray-ace and not just 100% straight. They talked with me and let me basically use them as sounding boards and were really supportive.

I also posted about it on my tumblr, and several people gave me support or also told me that they were ace or gray-ace. It was nice.

I have not told my parents and have no plans to tell them as I don't think it's relevant.

Just try to be yourself and explain things, be prepared with information if you think you need to, and things will go fine. If people still don't want to accept you, that's on them. It sucks when people don't understand something so core to who you are, but... try to be positive. Everyone is different and someone who you thought might be difficult might support you the most. I hope things go well for you!

Wow, the reason why you haven't told your parents is why I haven't really come out to a lot of people?? Like, I feel like that's the reason I haven't with my boyfriend because it hasn't be relevant yet. When the time comes when I need to I will, but why else does it really matter, you know? That actually makes me feel a lot better knowing someone else has this mindset.

[chisquare]

A general shout out to everyone that has replied thus far, I love seeing all your message of support and hearing your stories. I've kind of struggled with viewing myself as queer and part of a non-straight community since I've come to understand my identity, and it feels really great being able to talk to people like myself. Everyone here and on this site is an inspiration to me--I empathize strongly with your struggles and feel great deal of joy for your successes!

[Perseus]

I cam out to my mom and a few friends. They were understanding and were completely ok with it.

[werevampire]

Do you have a brother or sister? Tell them first they'll probably accept it and you'll want them on your side in case your parents dont accepit.

[SilverZelenia]

I only discovered the term "asexual" and all that came with it in late 2014. Until then, I'd resigned myself to just being some sort of unnatural freak of nature, so it was fantastic to find others out there who had zero interest in sexual things. I was so ecstatic to find others like me - I wanted to be very open about it and tell everyone, so I mentioned it casually during the awareness week to my mother and the reception was very definitely negative (which is rather ironic, because as someone earlier said, I have a strong theory that she's somewhere on the Ace spectrum, herself...). It really discouraged me a lot because I thought I would have her on my side at least. I'm still in high school (junior) and obviously at home, so I have decided not to "come out" until I'm in college, since I know for certain that my community will be the exact opposite of accepting. I'm just not going to put myself in that type of situation, y'know?

[savemyconfusion]

if you're coming out as asexual this video was made to tell people that

 

 

[Star Bit]

Not telling them IS leading them on. Whether you're put in a situation where sex is clearly requested or not is irrelevant; sexual people need to know because most of them expect and need sex, as well as need sexual reciprocation. So it needs to be simple and explicit; "I recently discovered I'm asexual; that i dont desire sex with anyone ever, and i am/am not ok with sexually compromising." The word "ever" can be very needed; it makes things as explicit as possible that its not gunna change. DO NOT just leave it to "I'm asexual"; not even if they say they know what asexual is; because some are actually misinformed. There is no way to tell if someone is demisexual prior to it simply happening for the first time and its best to not get someones hopes up for something that may never come. So if it changes you can tell them but otherwise dont even mention demisexuality; some sexual people hold out hope and then get devastated when that hope never happens; so best not to feed it in the first place. Demisexual is also not being comfortable with sexually compromising after a bond; that's still asexual; just with compromise requirements; demisexuals desire sex. And for future reference, the rule of thumb is to tell a potential partner on the first date if you know them prior and the 3rd date if they aren't known prior.

 

Also, if you haven't made out/had foreplay then you could end up having responsive sexual desire where arousal or foreplay is required to trigger sexual desire (which a majority of women and a minority of men have). Also, if you dont masturbate then things may not be "linked up" yet.

[WaywardAF]

I've told two close friends who are bisexual and the other is gender fluid both were expecting ( no questions asked)

a few hours ago I decided I could tell my other friend but this is were it gets complicated: me and this friend have only been talking few a few months but I feel close to him... we flirt and tease sometimes.... I think he's attracted to me and I think I'm astecally attracted to him, I started trying to tell him with the "can we talk" and he said yes and now I'm not sure what next I think I'm bottling out but I don't know how to do that either