A mixed relationship success story thus far~

[BlushCW]

First off, I apologise this is very loooong! (I would've added it to a thread, but the length had me thinking it was better to stand alone, lol.) But I wanted to be thorough (and if anyone has further questions, they may ask) If anyone has any suggestions for parts I could leave out or whatnot, you're welcome to do so! I'm still quite new here.

But yes, after seeing all the amazing (success) stories and experiences so many have posted here, especially regarding mixed relationships, I wanted to share my own story, so that it might give others the hope theirs have given me~ (Seeing as it's a personal story, perhaps saying TMI is involved would be fitting.)

So let's start. I'm in a long distance relationship with a (demi)sexual. Sound daunting? We've made it work for over ten years (half of them married).

We initially met online through a mutual friend who told us about each other. He ended up AIM messaging me to introduce himself and say he liked my work (I used to draw fanart for a series we liked). Some months later, he ended up making me a Christmas card, saying I inspired him to improve in his own artwork. I was pretty touched, considering we didn't know each other all that well yet. Fast forward to about a year later, we started regularly IM chatting every weekend or so, about shared interests and amusements (we have a similar sense of humour too) and showing our respective artworks. I was told he had a crush on me, and while I saw what seemed like blatant hints here and there, he never actually confirmed it. He was simply too shy and afraid of getting hurt (he's been twice before) to say anything. Seeing as I'd never taken any sort of plunge myself, and I thought he was a pretty awesome guy, I finally ended up confessing I liked him. He happily reciprocated, and we've been together since!

But that's just the beginning ;) The real story is obviously where it all went from there. First off, as I stated, we're long distance. I live in Canada, on the west coast, he lives in the USA on the east coast. That's three hours time difference and a LOT of air miles. (We know. We've both made the respective trips back and forth at least half a dozen times apiece. We have our travel horror stories, lol.) We first met in person after dating for almost eight months. We got on pretty well amicably from the get go, but I won't lie it took some warming up and getting used to acting "couple-y" around each other (for me anyway :redface: He says he was pretty comfortable right away, but I was pretty awkward and somewhat reserved the first few meetings, for at least the first week of our visits. But he always won me over and made me feel comfortable with him in the end :))

At the start of our relationship, we were jus graduating from high school and breaking into the adult world of jobs and responsibilities. We kept frequent contact via phone and internet, we sent gifts, we visited back and forth whenever plans/money/work allowed, and our relationship strengthened and continued. A few months short of our fourth anniversary, he proposed to me while I was visiting him for Valentine's Day. We ended up getting married (in Canada) a year later on our fifth anniversary. Since our marriage (seeing as we cannot live together permanently until we properly process immigration/sponsor/permanent residency papers - we are getting there slowly but surely!) we've managed to do two "extended" visits (where he would take an "extended leave of absence to visit family abroad" from work) where my husband would stay with me for five months (as opposed to our usual two-three weeks).

We've learned a lot from those visits, needless to say! While they had their skirmishes and awkward situations, we generally enjoyed being/living with each other in a more permanent setting and look forward to the days when they really -are- permanent. All in all, things between us were working well.

But no relationship (especially a mixed one) is without its hiccups. In the past year, we dealt with a rather unsettling on (well... mostly on my part, but I'll get to that). Basically, the sex issue sort of popped up.

Let's state thee details on both parties.

Me? I'm a demi-romantic asexual. Essentially, I'm perfectly fine with stuff like hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, etc. In short, moderate forms affectionate physical contact. But I'm pretty much repulsed by anything involving genitals. I've never been interested in sex, and I've never really experienced arousal/libido of notable regard (if at all). So I'm pretty content without it. (Also, neither of us want children, so that's not an issue!)

My husband? While he's not really big on labels, when I've explained it to him, he admits his thought process does run along the lines of demi-sexual. (But you could just as easily call him hetero.) He enjoys all the moderate physical means of affection as I do. And technically, at the beginning of our relationship (even before that), he wasn't really big on the concept of sex either (he had/has his own personal reasons). While I didn't fully realize I was asexual when we first got together, I WAS honest with him early on that I wasn't interested in sex, and he was perfectly fine/in agreement with it. Even when we got married five years later, sex still wasn't on the table (we spent our wedding night watching anime, drawing and stayed up to watch the sunrise at the beach ^_^). Although we did have a talk in which I did say "If we change our minds, we should let each other know."

Well, that's where the hiccup comes in. The very last day I was visiting him for our ten year anniversary, while we were chatting in bed that night, he remarked something along the lines of being "surprised we didn't do it this trip" (seeing as it was a big anniversary, he thought there was a chance of it happening). I... pretty much froze in shock. I literally just sat there gaping at him for a good solid minute, scared to say anything. I was pretty much thinking "...Oh God. This is going to end my marriage." My mind hadn't changed, I was still opposed to sex. I was terrified to say it, scared of what could follow, but I wasn't going to lie either.

He listened to me explain how I still wasn't there, and while I hated to say "never", he needed to realize there was a possibility that I was never going to be there. That I still loved him and wanted to be with him for the rest of our lives, but sex was still something I was not comfortable with, plain and simple. He was thankfully very respectful and understanding, and said he wasn't trying to pressure me into it, he just wanted to let me know the option was there, if I ever wanted to.

For him, nothing had changed. For him, it was essentially just getting that weight off his shoulders and being open with me. For me, it was sort of a can of worms being opened and I didn't know how to deal with it. I ended up making a mountain of a molehill for the better part of the year, dissecting what had happened and what it meant. I saw it meaning that sex was now on the table and there was this -tension- that wasn't there before. We'd always had a rather suggestive sense of shared humour, and now I saw his remarks as being literal and thought he was implying things. I was essentially flipping out over an issue of my own making. It came out in small bursts, resulting in several squabbles; mind you, we NEVER leave a conversation in the middle of a fight, we ALWAYS resolve it before we hang up. We would always smooth things over, but the underlying issue was never fully settled for me.

I'm sure I probably come off as paranoid or ridiculous for reacting this way. But keep in mind I've always been a very anxious person with self esteem issues. I've always had a hard time making/keeping friends/relationships, as I'm sadly used to being "grown out of" and left behind. As the asexual in the relationship, there is always the worry in the back of ones mind of "What if one day I'm not enough anymore?". It's a scary thought when you have so much to lose.

Anyway, it all finally came to a head this past Christmas Day. His mother had sent me some gifts (let me say she's a really awesome mother in law, by the way - she's a very loving and wonderful person and I appreciate her), including a set of "sensual body mists". While I realize now it was silly to get worked up over, I felt the gift was inappropriate/made me uncomfortable and told my husband as such. (To her defense, she doesn't known we don't have sex. That said, she IS aware that her son/my husband has no sense of smell, so who exactly is getting the benefit of this gift?? It's still odd to me.) He was trying to be supportive of both sides (which I respect) but at the time I felt my feelings were being condescended and we ended up having an intense row, and he got pretty upset with me. We talked it out and resolved it as we always do, but there were some frayed nerves and tension left over on both sides.

We briefly touched on matters the next day, and seeing as I was still feeling pretty guilty (seeing as I more or less started the fight as it were), after some light hearted conversation that led to some suggestive teasing on my part (like I said, our senses of humour does involve quite a bit of innuendos), and him calling me out on it and joking about me "throwing him a bone once in a while", I ended up doing something I've never done before. I sent him a topless photo. (This particular nudity has only ever been touched on twice in our relationship, and they were in person. Other than that, other nudity isn't involved.) He was very appreciative of it, but I ended up regretting it soon after (feeling like I had let my guilt guide the action more than anything) and feeling resentful that I had felt like I "owed" him that (because let me firmly state that no one, I mean NO ONE is entitled to your body! The right and supportive person is respective of your boundaries and will love you regardless). So I was left a bit unsettled on that.

Frustrated and wishing I had SOMEONE I could talk to about things (I'm not exactly "out", see. And both our families and most of our friends don't know we don't have sex either. There's many reasons behind this, and I could easily consider it a compromise for him from me, because I honestly wouldn't want certain members of his family/friends to know, because they would be total jerks about it and essentially torment my husband about it, which I would NEVER want to expose him to :( He doesn't deserve that kind of crap, when he's being nothing more than the best of loving and supportive husbands, and frankly there would be little to stop me from clawing whoever they were to shreds I'm a protective wife!!!) I mulled it over for a couple of weeks, then ended up finding my way back to AVEN again, after many years. Reading over the FAQs and such had always brought me a bit of comfort in feeling and thinking the way I did, but I decided to take it one step further and try... the forums! I wanted to read about other real people and their thoughts.

This was the best decision I could've made. I was amazed at all the topics I found, all the experiences, situations, the relationships of others. It opened my eyes so much; I saw similar struggles that made me feel less alone, I read much harder scenarios that made me grateful how small my problems were in comparison. But it was the "Stopping the Blame Game" topic in the relationships section that ultimately did it for me. Through it, I saw our relationship through my husband's eyes, and realized I had been so caught up in my own rustled feathers, I hadn't considered his. He has always been so supportive and patient and attentive with my feelings and needs. I hadn't been doing so well with his own lately.

After reading that, I was finally armed with some proper and concise notions to communicate with my husband on. We had ourselves a good long talk, in which I finally unburdened all the worries and tension I'd been carrying in the back of my mind for the better part of the year and the ones of recent. And I finally got all the details on his side of the story that I hadn't been aware of before.

He indicated that if/when we ever have sex, it's not about getting off. He can take care of that himself (and I don't shame him for it; he's a sexual person and it's a need he's entitled to do something about. I'm just happy he doesn't need anyone else to do it, because it would break my heart if he sought another partner for it. But as I said, he claims I'm the first/only person who's ever really "activated" his libido, and that was after building a strong, loving, emotional bond for almost ten years. Hence why I loosely label him demi-sexual). It's more about sharing the intimacy/closeness of the experience he would want with me (so more "making love" than just sex).

Once I heard that, I felt a great deal more calm about it. Again, I'm still not quite in a place where I want to try it... but I know that if/when I do, I will still feel safe and protected with my husband. That my feelings will be considered and he won't pressure me to do ANYTHING I don't want, because my happiness is his happiness.

And in case anyone thinks it's sounding a bit one sided, I too told him I wanted him to feel appreciated and considered (because as I've realized and he's pointed out, it can be difficult to be the sexual in a mixed relationship, since you don't know how your asexual partner's thoughts work, or know how much is enough, or have a clear confirmation on how much you mean to them, unless verbally stated, since asexuals usually don't initiate a whole lot of stuff), and that if there's certain forms of compromise he would be interested in, I'm certainly willing to listen. Because seriously, I know now more than ever how lucky I am to have found someone as amazing, loving and supportive as him, and I don't want to take that for granted! He's my everything

And that's pretty much where we are now! :D We've learned a little more about each other (and still are) and are stronger for it.

I can't stress enough how important it is to COMMUNICATE and consider one another in a relationship. We're not mind readers and relationships will not survive neglect! Truth can be scary when you're afraid of hurting the other('s feelings), but so long as it is done respectfully and fairly, it can be put to good use and you will grow from it one way or another. The right partner will support, grow and work with you.

Thank you to anyone who actually takes the time to read this whole thing (I'm sorry it was so much, but I felt it was important so you could really understand who we are and how we work as a couple and relationship!). I hope it gives people the hope and inspiration I get from seeing others success stories in this amazing community :)

[Frigid Pink]

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad things are working out for you and I wish you and your partner many more happy years together.

[BlushCW]

Thank you for reading it Frigid Pink! Much appreciated :)