Abstinence as a state of mind?

[Tarfeather]

So something odd has changed about the way I feel about things, and I thought I'd share. But first I need to explain a bit of backstory..

Due to some combinations of traits, I've never been very "successful" with girls(and later women). When I was about 13, I wanted nothing to do with girls, and planned to live my life single. Sadly, puberty hit, and "against my wishes" I started being attracted to girls. At first it was mild, but the feelings rapidly started spinning out of control, and the more I fought it, the worse it got. At some point I fell so deeply in love with a girl I didn't even properly know and I got very heart-broken as a result.

Since that time, I've had a very hard time dealing with the opposite sex. I'd get nervous. I'd too easily start developing an interest. And at the same time I tried to avoid them altogether because it was too much.

The last years it got a little bit better. I stopped "falling in love" all the time. But I still got very easily attracted.. Like just seeing a halfway attractive woman on the streets made me want to be physically close to her. And so I developed a strategy of just avoiding them and looking the other way. It was a really annoying state to be honest, because I was always uncomfortable in public, and it led to me becoming a bit of a shut-in.

This changed when I met my girlfriend. She was the first woman I'd fallen in love in for years. I just saw her from afar in some of my lectures, but the way she acted made me hope that her personality was also like that, and I really liked these implications about her personality. For the first time in years, I got over myself and talked to her. It was very difficult, as I walked toward her my body went crazy and I started hyperventilating. But I ignored all that, this girl seemed to be worth it. And so she was.

Ever since, something pretty great happened. I no longer have a problem with becoming interested in every woman out there. Sure, I still experience strong feelings of "this woman is hot". But it doesn't actually lead to anything anymore, no desire to be physically close. I figures this was because all my sexual energy was focused on my girlfriend. Indeed, just seeing her and talking to her would get me very aroused.

But now that certain things have happened, it seems different. With my relationship being in such danger, I've opened myself a little to feeling attracted to other women. That is, I've thought to myself "Would I enjoy a relationship with this woman? Would I enjoy physical closeness with this woman?" and so on. The result is weird.. I seem to have no real desire for sex anymore.

I feel like there are some things I've had in this relationship(and I hope we can save it and continue to have these things) that are more satisfying than the things I'd wished for in the past. Emotional closeness, trust, and so on. A random woman can't give that to me, no matter how hot she is. And in that case, it seems to me I don't enjoy the idea of sex or kissing or anything all that much any more.

In addition to that, my "sexual desire" for my girlfriend has also lessened. I still have the raw physical reactions to her.. but it's almost become a reflex to me to put those reactions in check. I can feel aroused by her now without having any strong urges or desires to do something with that arousal.

And it kinda hit me that all this is a bit like what asexuals describe about themselves. It's not something I could have chosen or made myself to be. But through experiences, I seem to have become that way. As if my being changed a little by realizing that some things are more important to me than others.

Anyway, I need to go now, that's it. Hope my rambling makes sense to you. :D

[RhuinHruda]

I'm not a doctor, but the lost of interest in sex, is it physical or emotional? If it's physical, I'd suggest seeing a doctor about it. It may be an imbalance of something.

If it's emotional, I'd suggest a therapist. Individual at first, but then possibly couples counselling.

The fact that you had trouble controlling yourself before does not seem abnormal to me. Nor does the idea that you were going to be "alone" only to have your hormones betray you. I think these are perfectly normal reactions to someone who does not have a comfort level with those of the gender they are attracted to.

I don't know what "issues" have come up for you and your girlfriend, but I think it may have had an impact on your desire to have sex.

As for looking at other women, I imagine this is a byproduct of feeling the strain of your own relationship and part of your mind wondering "is there something better out there?"

Also, why do you feel the need to put your sexual urges in check? Wouldn't they help to solve the issues?

I'm not a professional, but hopefully, I've been some help.

[WoodwindWhistler]

^ Are you kidding? He sounds perfectly normal to me. Sexuality and emotions are intertwined in most cases, and they can evolve as the person grows and learns.

He's said that there's nothing wrong with his body, it is just that his mind does not assign the importance and attention to it that it used to. And nowhere did he say that this change in his perceptions were the cause or result of relationship issues! In fact, I generally got the impression the two were unrelated, or it would have been made more clear. You're jumping to way too many conclusions, here.

If you want my opinion, OP, it sounds like you were sexually frustrated by externalities and your own resistance, and now that that tension has been released, you've settled into what could be considered a more "natural" and "comfortable" relationship with your sexuality. Self-control seems a logical offshoot of your mind realizing that arousal does not automatically mean you have to reach out and touch, and arousal and sexual activity is not the end all be all of a relationship.