Why Asexual Relationships Matter Part 3:Science Fiction

[AVENguy]

This scenario puts asexual people in an interesting position. We must face two difficult realizations- first, that under the current system by which relationships are categorized we are systematically marginalized and second, that by refusing to be marginalized we are in a position to shake that system to its very core. Sexual relationships achieve importance not because they are chemically modified but because they expect and demand that importance. As asexual people we have been systematically told that our relationships do not matter, that they cannot matter and that coincidentally we will never achieve real happiness. It is why so many people consider asexuality to be pathological, and it is fundamentally undoable.

What happens when we begin to blur the lines? What happens when we expect- and get- the same respect for our intimate relationships as sexual people expect and get for theirs? What happens, in other words, when sexuality ceases to be the only way to negotiate socially valid intimacy?

If we accept that asexual people can form relationships that are just as emotional, intimate and valid as sexual peoples’ then this scenario changes entirely. An asexual person, by definition, cannot prioritize their sexual relationship(s) over their nonsexual ones. If their relationships are to achieve social validity it must be on the basis of something other than sexual activity. In order for asexual people to form relationships that are just as emotional, intimate and valid as sexual people’s they must create a nonsexual system for figuring out which relationships matter.

It is difficult to tell exactly what this system might look like, but from examining the community on AVEN we can get a few ideas:

• It will be less hierarchical: Rather than categorizing relationships as “important” or “not”, asexual people tend to recognize that relationships can be important in different ways and for different reasons. The gap between “partner” and “friends” will diminish and in some cases be eliminated entirely, with multiple relationships fitting together to fulfill a person’s emotional needs rather then one being expected to shoulder the entire burden.

• It will instill better communication: Anyone who has spent time around sexual people knows that they can’t communicate with each other for shit. Binaries like “together” and “broken up”, “lovers” and “friends”, do not provide enough vocabulary to accurately describe what happens in an intimate relationship. By recognizing multiple reasons why relationships can matter, asexual people will be able to communicate more directly and accurately about what is going on in those relationships, and as a result those relationships will be less stressful and more rewarding.

• It will create closer communities: Because asexual people place more value on friendships they will be less likely to isolate themselves with a particular partner. By placing a higher value on their surrounding community they will bring that community closer together. This community in turn will provide a rich, supportive context for their relationship with their partner to flourish.

• It will have a deeper understanding of commitment: Without sexuality, definitions of “infidelity” become much more complicated. Rather than simply declaring themselves monogamous, asexual couples (and close friends) will have to explicitly discuss how they fit into each others lives, the ways that they can be hurt and the promises that they need to feel safe together. This kind of discussion is not easy, but it will result in commitments that are better thought out, better understood and ultimately taken more seriously.

• It will be more fun: The problem with placing an undo focus on sexual pleasure is that you miss all the other rides at the carnival. After a while sex just gets old, and the going wisdom is to medicate the “problem” rather than exploring new avenues of pleasure. By taking a broader view of what pleasure is, asexual people will be able to have more of it with their partners and friends.

This system for understanding and validating nonsexual intimacy is developing on AVEN as we speak. As asexual culture develops it will become a commonly accepted part of the asexual community. Seeded in cultures around the world, in the burning spotlight of the popular press and being meticulously studied by the finest minds in sexology will be a radical alternative to the current system of understanding intimacy.

With such a high degree of visibility this new nonsexual system will not stay confined to the asexual community. Slowly but surely, sexual people will borrow pieces that work better than what they were using before, “hybridizing” their sexuality with the language of nonsexual intimacy. Doing so will take the onus off of sex to be their avenue of personal and emotional fulfillment. Sexual frustration will become less frustrating as it is detached from emotional and social needs, and a sexuality unburdened with social baggage will be easier for people to fit positively into their lives. As sex becomes less central to the way that we think about intimacy relationships between sexual and asexual people will become more common and more accepted as the way that sexual people experience their sexuality undergoes a radical, and ultimately positive shift.

We see this process happening already, with media in the sexual world placing an extremely high level of interest on asexual people in general and asexual relationships in specific. Not all asexual people are focused on forming intimate partnerships, some place little focus on relationships in general, but all are actively exploring the ways that one can live their life happily outside of the system of modern sexuality. It is important that we continue to do so, that we continue to work to make asexuality more visible and that we continue to work for the respect of our friends, our families and the institutions which surround us. And it is important to realize that in doing so we may just be fundamentally changing the way that sexuality works.

[ghosts]

I agree with you on the idea that the gap between partner and friend could disappear entirely, rather than someone expecting that only one person will be able to fulfill the majority of their emotional needs. I definitely know what you mean by the problem with vocabulary regarding relationships, although I think many, possibly most, asexual people use the same vocabulary. But it just confuses the heck out of me. You're either a boyfriend/girlfriend or a friend- I feel like it's so black and white that it can't possibly work. There's so many other types of relationships.

Because asexual people place more value on friendships they will be less likely to isolate themselves with a particular partner.

I'm not sure if I agree with that... I think that's the way it should be- more value on friendships- but I don't know if asexual people do that. I mean, I'm sure a lot of people on AVEN believe that their friendships are important, but maybe not any more than sexuals would.

Rather than simply declaring themselves monogamous, asexual couples (and close friends) will have to explicitly discuss how they fit into each others lives, the ways that they can be hurt and the promises that they need to feel safe together.

Yeah, I like this. I don't really understand monogamy too much, since everyone fits into my life in one way or another.

Hmm, I'm not sure how well I'm explaining myself... Basically, I pretty much agree with you, I guess. I would like to see the distinction between partner and friend disappear, even in sexuals' relationships (I'm not saying that sexuals should start having sex with everyone they know or something like that). However, maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part.

[Chronicler]

The problem with placing an undo focus on sexual pleasure is that you miss all the other rides at the carnival.

How true; how true. I won't elaborate as much as I did on the other ones; you've summed it up quite nicely (and I liked ending on a positive spin this time around as well). Good to hear sexuality is "hybridizing," if only slightly. Thanks for providing these insights; they were delightful to read.

[_]

I like what your saying here... but I can't agree entirely. As I said in the other thread, I can't quite gel what you're saying about friendships with the way I view them. Even without bringing sex into it, there are friendships that are closer than others. I see basically four different groups: best friends, good friends, friends and aquaintances.

Aquaintances are the people you might smile at and wave when you see, or at the very least give a nod of recognition. You might exchange the social pleasantries, but you're unlikely to have a deep and meaningful talk with them.

Friends, includes the two groups yet to come, and they're the people you'll hang out with, the people you'll actively seek out for talk, for company.

Good friends are the friends who you're likely to bring further into your confidence. You can trust them more than the run of the mill friend for various reasons.

Best friends, they're the ones you know have your back. You'll stick with them through thick and thin and they'll return the favour. These are the people who know you best in the world. If you think about it, the only difference (assuming that a Sexual has got lucky) between a sexual's partner and a best friend is the sex.

I'm not sure I'm managing to explain my point properly still. I'm not very good at explaining things that make sense in my head.

There are people out there, outgoing, gregarious people who have teeming masses of friends. They might even all be considered close friends by some of these people. They might be close to many people, and yet there are others the exact opposite. Others who find it easier to relate to just one person with that level of closeness. Or just a couple of people.

It will create closer communities: Because asexual people place more value on friendships they will be less likely to isolate themselves with a particular partner. By placing a higher value on their surrounding community they will bring that community closer together. This community in turn will provide a rich, supportive context for their relationship with their partner to flourish.

I'm not certain it would. In some cases, yes, certainly, but not as definitely as you have it here. There are people who with or without sex will isolate themselves with their significant other, disregarding the surrounding community. People are a strange, mixed up bunch. It is very difficult (assuming that it is even possible) to come up with anything that even begins to encapsulate the likely actions of a community as a whole.

[Jael L]

Well-thought out and expressed AVENguy, thank you for an interesting post.

I think the idea about valuing friendships can be extended to validating other interactions, specifically serious conversations with people one may only meet once. Profound exchanges can exist even when they're not based on personal knowledge or emotional intimacy. I've had the pleasure of experiencing this at work when a stranger comes in (often from overseas) makes a bee-line for me and starts talking about ideas or events that are significant to her. I'm wondering whether being asexual and placing a high value on serious connections with people makes us project a sort of aura (maybe of safety?) that encourages this.

This is not in any way to suggest that I don't have a passion for friendship. My close friends are every bit as precious to me as partners have been. Actually, given that my relationships have been celibate, they'd probably be just as accurately described as romantic friendships.

[AVENguy]

Two things I need to clarify:

1) I'm not indicating that primary partnerships would cease to exist, or that they would cease to dominate some people's lives. I'm just saying that they would cease to be the only acceptable option. Right now "friendships" are suppressed, if they weren't they would be more important on the whole, even if a few people still spent all of their time with their partner.

2) I'm not advocated getting rid of the "partner/friend" (read "sexual/nonsexual") distinction and leaving an teeming mass of unorganized relationships. We need to figure out a DIFFERENT way to organize them that doesn't involve sex (what Buckley's doing.) This last section is basically trying to talk about what that different system might look like and what larger implications it could have.

[deladangerous]

Very well spoken, I feel. This is the kind of thing the world should stop for, in the hopes that people who had the necessary mental capacity would read it before living any more.

There was just one little bit that snagged me-

It will instill better communication: Anyone who has spent time around sexual people knows that they can’t communicate with each other for shit. Binaries like “together” and “broken up”, “lovers” and “friends”, do not provide enough vocabulary to accurately describe what happens in an intimate relationship.

It seems just a little harsh to say that the remaining 99% of the population has difficulty communicating... And then, I tried to argue that, but realised you were still right. Sexuals do have a habit of labeling their relationships in a frustratingly trite and dull manner, excepting that I have observed asexuals doing so as well. Seems like more a problem with conventionalism than sexual orientation, perhaps..

[AVENguy]

Definitely. The SYSTEM of sexuality has a problem, not sexual people. I'm not saying that asexual people are intrinsically better at communicating or that we don't fall in the same traps, I'm advocating that we work on a way to communicate better.

[jakendy]

As asexual people we have been systematically told that our relationships do not matter, that they cannot matter and that coincidentally we will never achieve real happiness. It is why so many people consider asexuality to be pathological, and it is fundamentally undoable.

or worse, that asexuality is a physical and/or mental problem , and we just 'think' we are this way..I've seen that is not true in all this months on aven.

• It will be less hierarchical: Rather than categorizing relationships as “important” or “not”, asexual people tend to recognize that relationships can be important in different ways and for different reasons. The gap between “partner” and “friends” will diminish and in some cases be eliminated entirely, with multiple relationships fitting together to fulfill a person’s emotional needs rather then one being expected to shoulder the entire burden.

And I think this is indeed a good thing..kinda makes me think like I am sharing my love to everyone :D

• It will instill better communication: Anyone who has spent time around sexual people knows that they can’t communicate with each other for shit. Binaries like “together” and “broken up”, “lovers” and “friends”, do not provide enough vocabulary to accurately describe what happens in an intimate relationship. By recognizing multiple reasons why relationships can matter, asexual people will be able to communicate more directly and accurately about what is going on in those relationships, and as a result those relationships will be less stressful and more rewarding.

and might I add, this can also lead to better understanding among human beings , love for one another and less anger and frustration in relationships.

It will create closer communities: Because asexual people place more value on friendships they will be less likely to isolate themselves with a particular partner. By placing a higher value on their surrounding community they will bring that community closer together. This community in turn will provide a rich, supportive context for their relationship with their partner to flourish.

*Applause*..can only hope for this to happen

agree, but with a minor condition:I think it is important that one (asexual) should make a distinction between that special partner and the others and also have a partner, a SO if you like, because they are things one might share with the SO, and not with others (eg the dark secret on how to rule the world)

It is important that we continue to do so, that we continue to work to make asexuality more visible and that we continue to work for the respect of our friends, our families and the institutions which surround us. And it is important to realize that in doing so we may just be fundamentally changing the way that sexuality works.

nothing to add here, just like how it sounds, and want to see it in my post ;)

oh, wait..I have smtg to add: 'and give everyone free chocolate bars as well'

this is bloody brilliant..makes me think of all the nice posibilities of the future..where A will be seen as something normal..and why not..as something way better than sexuality..I just hope it won't turn into 'asexuality is the new pink!' ''cause that will make me really mad.. :twisted:

[AVENguy]

*shoves boxes of "Asexuality, it's the new Pink!" bumper stickers under my desk*

..YEAH. That would SUCK.

I think it is important that one (asexual) should make a distinction between that special partner and the others and also have a partner, a SO if you like, because they are things one might share with the SO, and not with others (eg the dark secret on how to rule the world)

Counter-caviat: I think its important that that be recognized and respected as ONE way to structure relationships in your life, but not as something that's necessary or even beneficial for everyone. Different strokes, etc.

[ghosts]

Quote:

I think it is important that one (asexual) should make a distinction between that special partner and the others and also have a partner, a SO if you like, because they are things one might share with the SO, and not with others (eg the dark secret on how to rule the world)

Counter-caviat: I think its important that that be recognized and respected as ONE way to structure relationships in your life, but not as something that's necessary or even beneficial for everyone. Different strokes, etc.

Yeah- I think that's the right attitude (that I should have). Because I wouldn't be making a distinction between partner and other people, but I should be understanding if others would.

[Nero laughed]

All three parts seem well thought out and expressed as has been mentioned. Nice metaphores. *likes metaphores* To my mind it seems easy to grasp what you have said (what we know). I think friends of mine would have to read it several times before they would begin to understand the scope of what is written. What we have just read undermines the entire western culture and exposes its frailty. Like a massive pimple that grows and bursts to liberate the toxins from the body, So is asexuality to our culture. Our existence will purge the social crap and redundant psychology from society (eventualy).

Kudos Avenguy, Its articles like this that will help people grasp "something more outta life".

[Shaggy]

All three parts seem well thought out and expressed as has been mentioned.

What we have just read undermines the entire western culture and exposes its frailty. Like a massive pimple that grows and bursts to liberate the toxins from the body, So is asexuality to our culture. Our existence will purge the social crap and redundant psychology from society (eventually).

Kudos Avenguy, It's articles like this that will help people grasp "something more outta life".

It will be interesting to watch, over the coming 9 - 12 months,

whether the culture of 'power & greed' that has brought the downfall of Wall St / Banking / Finance (and resultant woes for 'Global Main St'.)

will cause that culture to be discredited with sufficient vehemence,

to become seen "an 'anti-social' culture", ...

and one which 'Main St' will no longer tolerate.

If so, there is every likelihood that other paradigms, of Social Culture, will also be up for challenge!

Including the paradigms outlined in DJ's articles.

(IMO) We are definitely approaching a moment in History where Asexuals can more easily begin to "blur the lines", in some of the systemic ways he envisages.

[SlightlyMetaphysical]

I think you're being a little optimistic, Shaggy. There's always an age on enlightenment just around the corner.

If anything, the credit crunch may make people more conservative.

The best asexuality can hope for is that materialism will be dispised -> advertising propoganda will be dispised-> the media will loose strength -> Less all-pervasive myths about a "MUST-HAVE" sexuality.

Not to say we should give up, just that we shouldn't expect people to suddenly listen to us.

[Skylark]

The best asexuality can hope for is that materialism will be dispised -> advertising propoganda will be dispised-> the media will loose strength -> Less all-pervasive myths about a "MUST-HAVE" sexuality.

Not to say we should give up, just that we shouldn't expect people to suddenly listen to us.

But... but... I LOVE materialism! I'd rather be unaccepted and have to pretend I was sexual for the rest of my life than give up materialism! No way will I, as an asexual, ever hope for that! Don't make me give up my shopping, I beg of you! Noooooooo...

Oh well, you're only talking about the Western world, anyway. :P I could always move.

[Shaggy]

The best asexuality can hope for is that materialism will be dispised -> advertising propoganda will be dispised-> the media will loose strength -> Less all-pervasive myths about a "MUST-HAVE" sexuality.

Not to say we should give up, just that we shouldn't expect people to suddenly listen to us.

But... but... I LOVE materialism! I'd rather be unaccepted and have to pretend I was sexual for the rest of my life than give up materialism! No way will I, as an asexual, ever hope for that! Don't make me give up my shopping, I beg of you! Noooooooo...

Oh well, you're only talking about the Western world, anyway. :P I could always move.

LOL Skylark, Just think, ...

if you could just have a couple of dozen children ...

allllllllllllll those shopping opportunities !!!!!!!

purple booties, purple prams, purple clothes with AVEN Triangles, purple shoes ...

you could become THE AUTHORITAY on Fischer Price & purple Lego ... (what a goal!) :P

With such a high degree of visibility this new nonsexual system will not stay confined to the asexual community. Slowly but surely, sexual people will borrow pieces that work better than what they were using before, “hybridizing” their sexuality with the language of nonsexual intimacy. Doing so will take the onus off of sex to be their avenue of personal and emotional fulfillment. Sexual frustration will become less frustrating as it is detached from emotional and social needs, and a sexuality unburdened with social baggage will be easier for people to fit positively into their lives. As sex becomes less central to the way that we think about intimacy relationships between sexual and asexual people will become more common and more accepted as the way that sexual people experience their sexuality undergoes a radical, and ultimately positive shift.

We see this process happening already, with media in the sexual world placing an extremely high level of interest on asexual people in general and asexual relationships in specific. Not all asexual people are focused on forming intimate partnerships, some place little focus on relationships in general, but all are actively exploring the ways that one can live their life happily outside of the system of modern sexuality. It is important that we continue to do so, that we continue to work to make asexuality more visible and that we continue to work for the respect of our friends, our families and the institutions which surround us. And it is important to realize that in doing so we may just be fundamentally changing the way that sexuality works.

A few dozen purple children could be your way to make asexuality more visible, ...

plus, you could be a forerunner of social change, (I mean, ... everybody will want purple children, won't they?) ...

PLUS it could provide you with valuable shopping experiences that transcend mere materialism. :P