Jump to content

Questions about romance-repulsion


Member54880

Recommended Posts

My apologies in advance for bombarding everyone with questions, but I'm in the process of writing something about romance. I want to include sections on romance repulsion and nonamory (romantic equivalent of voluntary celibacy). I've seen quite a few people here identify as romance-repulsed, and it's a concept I find useful too, and identify with.



However, what isn't clear to me is what is it exactly?



Is it the repulsion towards romance itself, but what is romance specifically, and what is it that is repulsive about it?



Is it being repulsed by conventional ideas of romance? I know for sure I'm repulsed by this, but I also have an ideological opposition to the conventional ideas of romance. I hate the expectation that (romantic) relationships fix everything, their partner is their savior, that someone isn't "complete" without one, and that being clingy and obsessive are love.



Is it being repulsed by what are generally recognized as romantic gestures? What are classified as romantic gestures, is arbitrary, but their association with romance could be enough to repulse a romance-repulsed person. 



For people are touch-averse, are many of them also romance-repulsed, and is their romance-repulsion tied closely with their touch-aversion? I ask this, because a lot of sensual contact is so often seen as expected as part of a romantic relationship, and may be seen as repulsive by association.

I also wonder, how does it relate to romantic orientation? Are aromantics more likely to be romance-repulsed, and how do romance-repulsed alloromantics cope with unwanted romantic feelings?



Another line that isn't clear to me, is being repulsed by conventional ideas, vs. ideological opposition, and where the line is drawn when it comes to not wanting romance. I don't know if I'm making sense here, but for those who are repulsed by romance, because the mainstream ideas of it are so closely associated with codependent relationships, does that repulsion lead to ideological opposition against being in such a relationship?



With sex, it's more clear-cut. Someone can be physically repulsed by sex, being grossed out by it, and choose life without it for that reason alone. Someone can have ideological reasons for not having sex, and they don't have to be physically repulsed by it. However, I do think that ideological reasons for not wanting sex, can be influenced by repulsion. Is this true for romance-repulsion too?


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I was a teenager, I was both romance and sex repulsed. I managed to get rid of it only when I was about 20 I think. After a little bit of self-analysis, I realized that my repulsion went from the relationship between my parents. I was abused by my mother, and my father was somewhat blind to that because he was so much in love with my mother (who didn't care about him but who was manipulative enough to use him). My father let abuse continue because his feelings for a monster made him blind to horrible things. No wonder why I had a so bad reaction to any kind of love that isn't platonic. I guess I saw the poisonous side of love long before I discovered the really good side of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I reckon I might qualify as romance-repulsed, I dunno? What it is, I feel very strong aversion to finding myself the object of someone’s romantic intentions – much, much more so than if it’s merely sexual.

My self-image and my perception of others is one of complexity, full of contradictions, vacillating constantly between darkness and light, always open to the freedom of imperfection (if you’ll excuse the poesy). In my very bones, I feel reduced by someone’s romantic gaze to a two dimensional stick figure on a scrap of paper. And there's someone who means to possess this pitifully reduced version of myself. I understand that this doesn’t have much to do with reason or, as you call it, ideology. It’s a sensation more than anything else, this profound repulsion.

The feeling, however, isn’t helped by the stereotypical romantic’s insistence on the “purity” and “benevolence” of their intentions, especially as opposed to, as they may see it, “base” sexual cupidity. Their love is pure and not lustful, one might claim – much like saying, "Oh, don’t fear, I never mean to rob you; I’ve only got murder on my mind."

Which is a shamelessly exaggerated way to put my feelings into words, but as I said, it’s got nothing much to do with intellectual justification. I’m just awkwardly trying to describe an emotional reaction here.

All this said, though, this is strictly applicable to romance where it involves myself. Where others are concerned, I feel completely neutral. I don’t find any objection whatsoever in romantic relationships between strangers, acquaintances, friends, family, or in fiction, and in fact I often enjoy sharing in these from the outside. Such are the powers of compartmentalization.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am romance repulsed and sex repulsed and to me its a repulsion of love and lovey-dovey things or anything romantic or intimate (kissing, touching, hugging, holding hands) and romance in general. I don't understand love at all and why people crave it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I consider myself demi romantic and not necessarily repulsed, but I am however terrible at being romantic and handling romance. Most of the times I find classic romantic gestures (Lighting a candle, receiving roses, an emotional romantic speech about how much you mean to me blabla) really uncomfortable when I am involved or people shove it into my face. When things get too romantic or when others are clingy I make inappropriate jokes and comments just to save myself from the atmosphere :P

My boyfriend always jokes I have a romantic-meter. I can stand romance until a certain point and then I do something weird. But thank god I have him. I don't know many people who would be able to handle my not so romantic personality.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess I am romance repulsed , I don't like any aspects of it whatsoever. I don't like even seeing other people acting that way towards each other and I certainly don't understand it.

It's just unfathomable to me I know it supposedly exists , I say supposedly because that's what people say and they act in that lovey dovey way but I think I've said it elsewhere it's like watching a fairytale or sci-fi movie it might be there in front of me but its not real! Probably not a good analogy sorry.

I've been in a few long term relationships but I always told them from the beginning i DONT DO THE LOVE THING and to begin with they'd be fine with that or so they said but before I knew it they would become all soppy and clingy and want me to love them back and feel hurt and I'd keep on reminding them and even telling them bluntly I don't love you never will and telling me you love me means nothing at all to me.i just don't get it! But they never listened arggh.

I couldn't stand people telling me they love me getting all sloppy and touchy feely I used to cringe ,feel anxious, run a mile and change the subject .

Funnily enough until a cpl of years ago I could never find the courage to say no to sex and I feel just as strongly about that :/

Link to post
Share on other sites

My romance-repulsion is much like my sex repulsion. I am fine with romance as long as it is not directed at me. Date whoever you want as long as it isn't me.

However, if I become aware of someone romantically attracted to me, it scares me... Not like monster chasing you type of fear, but, that deep in the pit of your stomach foreboding type of fear. Like the feeling of something is wrong and apprehension you get in horror movies before the monster is revealed. Which kinda sours the whole mood for anything to become romantic.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I decline to answer that question in public. I have sufficiently answered it in previous public posts of mine already.

If you want a more detailed answer, my PM inbox is open. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

How do you define "romance"?

I detest the Hallmark idea of romance. Holding hands watching the sunset, dinner in expensive restaurants, diamond rings and expensive. It seems so superficial, shallow and phony.

Yet at the same time, there's certain spontaneous things that are wonderful. Running for shelter under an awning of a building, lighting up a cigarette, stealing a glance or maybe a kiss, you voice sore since you've been singing and dancing in the rain like an idiot? It THAT romance?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm probably romance repulsed. I don't particularly mind others being romantic to each other (though it can be a bit awkward to be around them when they do) and romance in fiction doesn't bother me much either. If anything, it can be sort of interesting if done well. It gives insight to the characters through character interaction and ideally also character growth. Almost like observing the Homo sapiens in its natural habitat... But i digress (;´∀`)

I guess it's like I have an optimal distance? Too far and people are just blobs on the horizon, too close and they're infringing on my personal space. It just so happens that I'm a little less companionable than others and a little more territorial about my personal space physically and emotionally. Maybe that also bleeds over to my touch aversion, but even without that, I just don't feel the need to cuddle with other humans (pets are another matter entirely).

It sort of just... Feels excessive somehow? When I try to look past the knee-jerk reaction of "whoa, too close" I just don't see the point? And then I add back the layer of don't-touch-me it's just plain unpleasant.

My romance-repulsion is much like my sex repulsion. I am fine with romance as long as it is not directed at me. Date whoever you want as long as it isn't me.

However, if I become aware of someone romantically attracted to me, it scares me... Not like monster chasing you type of fear, but, that deep in the pit of your stomach foreboding type of fear. Like the feeling of something is wrong and apprehension you get in horror movies before the monster is revealed. Which kinda sours the whole mood for anything to become romantic.

^ Also, this. I agree with everything in this post.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...
mr.bunnypants

I mean, I don't know how to feel about romance. There are the types out there that feel like you need romance and that that's the goal of life and that if you don't have romance, your existence is pointless, but that's untrue. A lot of aromantics, especially ones that are ignorant, assume that everyone who is not like them hates them and thinks they're terrible and heartless. I'm alloromantic and I don't really have any crushes that much and I don't see romance as necessary to survive. I read one blog written by an aromantic which states romantics are obsessed in romance and can only feel love and affection within that one romance. That is so untrue because I have a best friend and whom I tell EVERYTHING to. I mean EVERYTHING. Even the awkward stuff you think is private and no one talks about. Yeah, we talk about that too. We talk on the phone everyday and enjoy each others' company. If I were in a romantic relationship with someone else, she would still be one of my main priorities, along with the romance. If my partner started to be a jerk towards her and bullied her, well, they're not going to be my partner anymore. And there's a common misconception of romantic relationships. My friend told me she doesn't feel all touchy and kissy but can still feel romantic attration, so not all romantic attractions involve touching and stuff. Aromantics try to say sensual attraction and romantic attraction are two different things. Well, we know. We could say emotional attraction and sensual attraction are two different things to them too because suddenly we're not allowed to want to cuddle with who we feel romantic towards and yet they can cuddle with all their friends all they want to. I have nothing against aromantics. In fact, I think they're pretty cool. I wish I had an aromantic friend. I don't think of them as aliens or as some weird race. I think of them as people. We're all people with our own personalities but the point where you hate other personalities for not being like you is when that becomes a problem (only addressing the anti-alloromantic people here. all you non-haters are fine). I can't really explain how romantic relationships feel either. I would say it's a connection, but you can still feel the same connection from friends. It's just a unique connection to be with that person and go through everything with that person I guess. But then again you can feel the same way towards friends. It's something I don't think any aromantic will ever understand, mostly because if I can't explain it myself, how are they ever supposed to know? The "spark" and "the one" explanations are rubbish because I can have a multiple friendships along with a romantic relationship so that makes no sense. In fact, it seems easier to me to understand and explain sexuality than romance. The best explanation I can give is just wanting to be with that person and do everything with them and being interested in everything they do. Not all romantics are touchy-feely though so don't think if someone loves you romantically that it means they want to touch you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am repulsed by the "no one else in the world matters as much as you do" attitude that some (disclaimer: not all) individuals have toward their romantic partners. And also the belief that romantic attraction is the summit of human emotion and we're all parts of a whole, useless until we've found our "other half" so we can start functioning. That, in and of itself, is not romance, but it's typically part of the baggage romance carries.

Link to post
Share on other sites
DancesWithElves

These are great questions. When I first joined AVEN I picked being 'demi-romantic' but have since then switched to 'aromantic' seeing as I can't really define romance. I gave it some thought and then decided that there are hidden, skewed perceptions on romance.

How to even define or describe romance? Um, I was thinking that romance is like those captured photos of, like, mountains or the little insert pictures of two people holding hands that are in frames you can buy at the store. Going to the movies? Going out to dinner? A walk in the park? Is there touching, kissing, cuddling, whispering sweet nothings? Um, it's so confusing and too much to handle! Flowers. Chocolate. A Card. Valentine's Day? I'm a softy. I love it, but it's suddenly so ridiculous, conventional, and unrealistic.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fire & Rain

My apologies in advance for bombarding everyone with questions, but I'm in the process of writing something about romance. I want to include sections on romance repulsion and nonamory (romantic equivalent of voluntary celibacy). I've seen quite a few people here identify as romance-repulsed, and it's a concept I find useful too, and identify with.



However, what isn't clear to me is what is it exactly?



Is it the repulsion towards romance itself, but what is romance specifically, and what is it that is repulsive about it?



Is it being repulsed by conventional ideas of romance? I know for sure I'm repulsed by this, but I also have an ideological opposition to the conventional ideas of romance. I hate the expectation that (romantic) relationships fix everything, their partner is their savior, that someone isn't "complete" without one, and that being clingy and obsessive are love.



Is it being repulsed by what are generally recognized as romantic gestures? What are classified as romantic gestures, is arbitrary, but their association with romance could be enough to repulse a romance-repulsed person. 



For people are touch-averse, are many of them also romance-repulsed, and is their romance-repulsion tied closely with their touch-aversion? I ask this, because a lot of sensual contact is so often seen as expected as part of a romantic relationship, and may be seen as repulsive by association.

I also wonder, how does it relate to romantic orientation? Are aromantics more likely to be romance-repulsed, and how do romance-repulsed alloromantics cope with unwanted romantic feelings?



Another line that isn't clear to me, is being repulsed by conventional ideas, vs. ideological opposition, and where the line is drawn when it comes to not wanting romance. I don't know if I'm making sense here, but for those who are repulsed by romance, because the mainstream ideas of it are so closely associated with codependent relationships, does that repulsion lead to ideological opposition against being in such a relationship?



With sex, it's more clear-cut. Someone can be physically repulsed by sex, being grossed out by it, and choose life without it for that reason alone. Someone can have ideological reasons for not having sex, and they don't have to be physically repulsed by it. However, I do think that ideological reasons for not wanting sex, can be influenced by repulsion. Is this true for romance-repulsion too?


Ooo a topic I enjoy discussing :) Thank you for bringing it into light. I was going to start a thread about it but I've been super busy.

- I guess that depends on the individual. I LOVE fictional romance to death. Real life romance between other people? It annoys the hell out of me. Real life romance involving me? It makes me feel physically and mentally sick.

- For me I only get very repulsive (it comes from inside of my body) when I'm in a romantic relationship. I'm only repulsed if it involves me.

- My understanding is having negative views on romance and romantic gestures isn't romance repulsion. It's just having a negative opinion about something. Romance repulsion comes from within like our sexual orientation does. For example, Romance repulsion is not like "I think alcohol is bad. I might enjoy it but it's bad for me." which is your view on something, it might change and so does your behavior towards it. Romance repulsion is more like "I'm allergic to alcohol. If I drank even a little, I might get super sick and end up in a hospital." which is something you can never change or control.

- I'm asensual expect with my partner. I want to touch them all the time. I guess it's not related.

- My orientation is fluid. I'm romantic today :) I've always been romance repulsed. There might be a correlation with aromanticsm but I'm not sure.

- I think I cleared that up above. Negative views on romance doesn't make you romance repulsed. My views used to be negative but they aren't that negative anymore.

- I'm physically repulsed by romance when I get involved in it. It affects my sleeping and eating habits. I would cry a lot at nights. There's this disgusting twisted feeling in my stomach I can't get rid of. It's like being turned inside out in a very repulsing way. It leads to hatred towards my partner and myself, guilt, shame and apparently, it's not good for my mental health either.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sage Raven Domino

I am repulsed by the "no one else in the world matters as much as you do" attitude that some (disclaimer: not all) individuals have toward their romantic partners. And also the belief that romantic attraction is the summit of human emotion and we're all parts of a whole useless until we've found out "other half" so we can start functioning. That, in and of itself, is not romance, but it's typically part of the baggage romance carries.

I have a similar attitude, want to retain sufficient independency in QPR.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For me I can't stand when people have romantic feelings toward me and its very obvious.

It has nothing to do with behaviours which are coded romantically, exemple I like holding hands with one of my friends and invite her out for dinner, but if she one day told me she liked me in a romantic way and therefore wanted to hold my hand I would feel unconfortable.

It have happent a few times that I been doing activities with friends and then when they felt romantically for me I still feel a desire to do those kind of activities but the whole thing would feel wierd and unconfortable. Its like I feel I am being seen as a romantic-object. That they only want to be with me because they deep down hope they would "get something more out of me" and the whole concept of trying to "get me" or me already refusing them and have to think about not hurting there feelings when they are around and stuff so I wont lose my friend or people wont say I am a mean person who dont care about there feelings.

is just way to stressfull and unconfortable.

For romance not dirrected at me it depends how I feel about it, somethimes I like it like a movie or song, somethimes I think its boring or gross but in general I can tolerate it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So is there a separation of some sort between "people who are repelled by other people being romantic toward them", "people who experience romantic feelings which repel them", and "people who just don't experience romantic feelings"?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Autumn Season

Well, that's interesting. I always thought I was "just" introverted. But I just might not be as romantic as others. Not sure. Maybe I'm completely wrong. But I don't mind getting up on stage and giving a silly performance. What I dislike, is when one person claims too much of my time, wants to touch for a prolonged period of time and uses overly sweet words.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 year later...

So, I identify as hetero-lithromantic, and I think I'm romance-repulsed when it comes to guys.

For me, it's the gestures that repulse me. Like, my ex-boyfriend got me some perfume for Valentine's Day, which I perceive as romantic, and I intellectually thought it was sweet of him, but it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I was like, "Oh God, how do I respond to this sincerely?" Actually, come to think of it, it's my own reaction that repulses me, too. I get so flat and cold, and I feel terrible for not even being able to manage a genuine "thank you".

Depending on the person, I can be repulsed by my actual attraction, too. If I know a relationship with a certain man wouldn't be healthy or wouldn't end well, I freaking hate that I'm attracted to them. On the other hand, if the guy is kind and I'm sure a relationship with him would be good, then I'm totally fine fantasizing and indulging in the butterflies and stuff. But if he reciprocated, I'd be really uncomfortable, and probably try to find a reason to leave.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 months later...

I have experienced romance repulsion since the first time I was crushed on. I always crushed on other people, which was comfortable for me because the crush was on my terms and I didn't act on it. But as soon as I realized that the way I thought about and crushed on others could very well be the other way around too, it became very uncomfortable. Something about being unable to control others perception of you, or feeling that maybe they expect something from you.

Being seen as a physical object, capable of being attracted to, is also a part of the discomfort. I know my romance repulsion has to do with my disossiative disorder (trouble understanding that my physical body is recognizable and exists in the world and in other people's minds) and I am also a maladaptive daydreamer, so I'm in my own head a lot. My imagination and reality blur into each other, which doesn't help my perspective on my physicality.

There is also some sexual trauma from childhood that plays into it, but that's more sex-repulsion than romance-repulsion. I think that since romance is tied so closely to sex in American culture, in the back of my mind any time someone is (potentially) attracted to me the idea of them wanting sex from me is extraordinarily off-putting.

Not everyone's romance repulsion comes from mental illness/trauma, but this is how mine functions. What it boils down to is that I feel a loss of control over how others react to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...

I consider myself demi romantic and not necessarily repulsed, but I am however terrible at being romantic and handling romance. Most of the times I find classic romantic gestures (Lighting a candle, receiving roses, an emotional romantic speech about how much you mean to me blabla) really uncomfortable when I am involved or people shove it into my face. When things get too romantic or when others are clingy I make inappropriate jokes and comments just to save myself from the atmosphere :P

My boyfriend always jokes I have a romantic-meter. I can stand romance until a certain point and then I do something weird. But thank god I have him. I don't know many people who would be able to handle my not so romantic personality.

I can relate to this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...