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Francoise Wang

For sexual people here, how did you came to realize that you are sexual?

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Tarfeather

No, I don't think the sentence is nonsensical either... but i think you only become aware that you're sexually attracted to someone by experiencing the desire.

You can become aware in other ways. This isn't so obvious if you're a grounded person in real life, but I've often fallen in love over the net, without a body to "sexually desire" to speak of, and after a few times the warning signs were clear to me far before anything like sexual desire consciously surfaced. It is interesting, too, because it indicates just how conceptual attraction is: Merely adding the tag "female" to someone can trigger whole mechanisms that make you see the person in a different way. And those mechanisms start somewhere that's not "I want sex with this person", that's just the point where it springs up for a lot of people, that's sort of the point I'm trying to make.

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Skullery Maid

Merely adding the tag "female" to someone can trigger whole mechanisms that make you see the person in a different way. And those mechanisms start somewhere that's not "I want sex with this person", that's just the point where it springs up for a lot of people, that's sort of the point I'm trying to make.

Hahaha you are 100% right, my friend. I hadn't thought of that before, but I suppose you're right... the ability to alter feelings by simply changing a descriptive word is... evidence of something, for sure.

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Excandesco

Haha, I love the route this thread has taken.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

OK, so that's really interesting and sort of twistedly funny.

"Sexual attraction" only makes sense to those of us who don't have it, because it's something we can point to and say we don't have. But those who (allegedly) DO have it don't actually experience it as such. It's not a thing for them.

I think I see where you're coming from. A thing defined only by its lack probably isn't a thing in the first place. Think I'm finally starting to understand.

Thanks. :)

Sexual attraction is really just a bullshit concept. I don't have any innate desire to have partnered sex, I am asexual.

The reason I think people who 'don't experience' it *think* sexual attraction 'makes sense', is because they have some imaginary concept they have invented about what sexual attraction is, and say "well I don't experience that, clearly" .. what most asexuals (here anyway) totally fail to take into account is how *actual sexual people* feel about it. If you ask a hundred different sexual people what sexual attraction is, you'll get varied answers from person to person, because no one really knows exactly what this "foggy concept" that is sexual attraction, actually is (as Skullery clearly illustrated)

However the hundred hypothetical sexual people you asked previously about sexual attraction, will have one thing in common: To some extent or another, they all innately desire partnered sex with other people (for VARIED reasons from person to person, they don't all look at someone they think is 'hot' and get horny and want to fuck them, that is a gross and innacurate generalization of sexual people)

Rant over.

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WhenSummersGone

I wouldn't say it's a BS idea. I think sexual attraction is more towards someone in particular but desire for partnered sex isn't directed towards anyone. Are you horny? That's sexual desire. Do you desire sex with x because they are nice/good looking/male/female? That's sexual attraction. When I say I'm sexually attracted to someone, which I have experienced, it means I want to have sex with them. I know it's sexual attraction because I wouldn't want sex with anyone else, only the person causing my desire for sex.

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Excandesco

But how did you came to realize that what you felt IS "sexual attraction", when you felt sexual attraction toward people?

I didn’t. Sexual attraction is something that exists on AVEN the same way Santa exists in a Christmas movie…

No, I don't think the sentence is nonsensical either... but i think you only become aware that you're sexually attracted to someone by experiencing the desire. In my experience, anyway. It's kind of like all of a sudden I get a feeling like... Oh... well, I wonder how long that's been lurking there!

Imagine your apartment was filling with odorless gas. You wouldn't know the gas was there until the place blew up... at that point, you could easily go back and say "oh, I wonder how long the gas had been leaking?"

I am so confused. Sexual attraction doesn't exist but then you can become aware that you are sexually attracted to someone? As in experience sexual attraction.

OK, so that's really interesting and sort of twistedly funny.

"Sexual attraction" only makes sense to those of us who don't have it, because it's something we can point to and say we don't have. But those who (allegedly) DO have it don't actually experience it as such. It's not a thing for them.

I think I see where you're coming from. A thing defined only by its lack probably isn't a thing in the first place. Think I'm finally starting to understand.

Thanks. :)

Sexual attraction is really just a bullshit concept. I don't have any innate desire to have partnered sex, I am asexual.

The reason I think people who 'don't experience' it *think* sexual attraction 'makes sense', is because they have some imaginary concept they have invented about what sexual attraction is, and say "well I don't experience that, clearly" .. what most asexuals (here anyway) totally fail to take into account is how *actual sexual people* feel about it. If you ask a hundred different sexual people what sexual attraction is, you'll get varied answers from person to person, because no one really knows exactly what this "foggy concept" that is sexual attraction, actually is (as Skullery clearly illustrated)

However the hundred hypothetical sexual people you asked previously about sexual attraction, will have one thing in common: To some extent or another, they all innately desire partnered sex with other people (for VARIED reasons from person to person, they don't all look at someone they think is 'hot' and get horny and want to fuck them, that is a gross and innacurate generalization of sexual people)

Rant over.

Sexual attraction is not a bullshit concept. Yes. All sexual people desire partnered sex for varied reasons.

Not all sexual people look at someone and want to fuck them. Sexual people do want to fuck specific people. That is sexual attraction.

There is a distinction between sexual desire and asexual attraction. One can desire partnered sex without having someone specific in mind, but one can also desire partnered sex with someone specific in mind. Sexual attraction is directed sexual desire, for varied reasons.

Sexual desire is just the desire to have partnered sex.

Sexual attraction is the directed sexual desire to have partnered sex with someone specifically for varied reasons. I read this somewhere. Attractions which lead to a sexual desire, which is directed to someone.

Both of these exist. Sexual attraction entails sexual desire. Or for a better version. Directed sexual desire entails sexual desire.

Am I missing something here? Is there some other form of sexual attraction kicking about that I don't get?

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Geo

But how did you came to realize that what you felt IS "sexual attraction", when you felt sexual attraction toward people?

I didn’t. Sexual attraction is something that exists on AVEN the same way Santa exists in a Christmas movie…

No, I don't think the sentence is nonsensical either... but i think you only become aware that you're sexually attracted to someone by experiencing the desire. In my experience, anyway. It's kind of like all of a sudden I get a feeling like... Oh... well, I wonder how long that's been lurking there!

Imagine your apartment was filling with odorless gas. You wouldn't know the gas was there until the place blew up... at that point, you could easily go back and say "oh, I wonder how long the gas had been leaking?"

I am so confused. Sexual attraction doesn't exist but then you can become aware that you are sexually attracted to someone? As in experience sexual attraction.

OK, so that's really interesting and sort of twistedly funny.

"Sexual attraction" only makes sense to those of us who don't have it, because it's something we can point to and say we don't have. But those who (allegedly) DO have it don't actually experience it as such. It's not a thing for them.

I think I see where you're coming from. A thing defined only by its lack probably isn't a thing in the first place. Think I'm finally starting to understand.

Thanks. :)

Sexual attraction is really just a bullshit concept. I don't have any innate desire to have partnered sex, I am asexual.

The reason I think people who 'don't experience' it *think* sexual attraction 'makes sense', is because they have some imaginary concept they have invented about what sexual attraction is, and say "well I don't experience that, clearly" .. what most asexuals (here anyway) totally fail to take into account is how *actual sexual people* feel about it. If you ask a hundred different sexual people what sexual attraction is, you'll get varied answers from person to person, because no one really knows exactly what this "foggy concept" that is sexual attraction, actually is (as Skullery clearly illustrated)

However the hundred hypothetical sexual people you asked previously about sexual attraction, will have one thing in common: To some extent or another, they all innately desire partnered sex with other people (for VARIED reasons from person to person, they don't all look at someone they think is 'hot' and get horny and want to fuck them, that is a gross and innacurate generalization of sexual people)

Rant over.

Sexual attraction is not a bullshit concept. Yes. All sexual people desire partnered sex for varied reasons.

Not all sexual people look at someone and want to fuck them. Sexual people do want to fuck specific people. That is sexual attraction.

There is a distinction between sexual desire and asexual attraction. One can desire partnered sex without having someone specific in mind, but one can also desire partnered sex with someone specific in mind. Sexual attraction is directed sexual desire, for varied reasons.

Sexual desire is just the desire to have partnered sex.

Sexual attraction is the directed sexual desire to have partnered sex with someone specifically for varied reasons. I read this somewhere. Attractions which lead to a sexual desire, which is directed to someone.

Both of these exist. Sexual attraction entails sexual desire. Or for a better version. Directed sexual desire entails sexual desire.

Am I missing something here? Is there some other form of sexual attraction kicking about that I don't get?

No, for me sexual desire exist all by itself, no attraction at all is required to feel it. Any explanation that needs to use attraction to say what desire is, is flawed.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

@ Summer - my phone won't let me quote) I have a high and annoyingly unpredictable libido, I get horny just doing the dishes or maybe popping up the road to buy a pie from the store lol. That's not sexual desire (the desire for partnered sex) it's just a normal physiological response caused by whatever hormones it is that cause arousal.

People desire partnered sex for all sorts of different reasons, you can't pinpoint it down to a few different reasons and say "oh that means this and this means that" ..

Sexual Attraction means something different to almost every person one asks Summer (as has been illustrated in this thread).. it becomes meaningless because there is no one defining factor that anyone can pinpoint.. its sooooo many different things to so many different people.

To you, that's what sexual attraction is, but to someone else, they might just say it's because they are in love with that person and that's why they desire sex with them, because sex is so much better when in love (EDIT: meaning it's not sexual attraction to them, it's just that sex is a deeply intimate and pleasurable part of a romantic relationship for them).. or someone might watch porn and get horny by watching the people fucking and then masturbate, and say *that* is sexual attraction.. it's different for every person. There is no one defining factor that makes sexual attraction, but there is one defining factor that makes asexuality: the lack of an innate desire for partnered sex. That's my opinion anyway.

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Excandesco

But how did you came to realize that what you felt IS "sexual attraction", when you felt sexual attraction toward people?

I didn’t. Sexual attraction is something that exists on AVEN the same way Santa exists in a Christmas movie…

No, I don't think the sentence is nonsensical either... but i think you only become aware that you're sexually attracted to someone by experiencing the desire. In my experience, anyway. It's kind of like all of a sudden I get a feeling like... Oh... well, I wonder how long that's been lurking there!

Imagine your apartment was filling with odorless gas. You wouldn't know the gas was there until the place blew up... at that point, you could easily go back and say "oh, I wonder how long the gas had been leaking?"

I am so confused. Sexual attraction doesn't exist but then you can become aware that you are sexually attracted to someone? As in experience sexual attraction.

OK, so that's really interesting and sort of twistedly funny.

"Sexual attraction" only makes sense to those of us who don't have it, because it's something we can point to and say we don't have. But those who (allegedly) DO have it don't actually experience it as such. It's not a thing for them.

I think I see where you're coming from. A thing defined only by its lack probably isn't a thing in the first place. Think I'm finally starting to understand.

Thanks. :)

Sexual attraction is really just a bullshit concept. I don't have any innate desire to have partnered sex, I am asexual.

The reason I think people who 'don't experience' it *think* sexual attraction 'makes sense', is because they have some imaginary concept they have invented about what sexual attraction is, and say "well I don't experience that, clearly" .. what most asexuals (here anyway) totally fail to take into account is how *actual sexual people* feel about it. If you ask a hundred different sexual people what sexual attraction is, you'll get varied answers from person to person, because no one really knows exactly what this "foggy concept" that is sexual attraction, actually is (as Skullery clearly illustrated)

However the hundred hypothetical sexual people you asked previously about sexual attraction, will have one thing in common: To some extent or another, they all innately desire partnered sex with other people (for VARIED reasons from person to person, they don't all look at someone they think is 'hot' and get horny and want to fuck them, that is a gross and innacurate generalization of sexual people)

Rant over.

Sexual attraction is not a bullshit concept. Yes. All sexual people desire partnered sex for varied reasons.

Not all sexual people look at someone and want to fuck them. Sexual people do want to fuck specific people. That is sexual attraction.

There is a distinction between sexual desire and asexual attraction. One can desire partnered sex without having someone specific in mind, but one can also desire partnered sex with someone specific in mind. Sexual attraction is directed sexual desire, for varied reasons.

Sexual desire is just the desire to have partnered sex.

Sexual attraction is the directed sexual desire to have partnered sex with someone specifically for varied reasons. I read this somewhere. Attractions which lead to a sexual desire, which is directed to someone.

Both of these exist. Sexual attraction entails sexual desire. Or for a better version. Directed sexual desire entails sexual desire.

Am I missing something here? Is there some other form of sexual attraction kicking about that I don't get?

No, for me sexual desire exist all by itself, no attraction at all is required to feel it. Any explanation that needs to use attraction to say what desire is, is flawed.

I agree, sexual desire does exist all by itself. I didn't say that attraction is required to feel it?

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Skullery Maid

Meh, I don't super care what words we use for which experience, but there is a difference between a general drive to have sex vs. that feeling that's directed to a specific person. For me, those are two very different feelings... and i know some people who only experience one or the other. Call it whatever you like, I don't care.

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WhenSummersGone

@ Summer - my phone won't let me quote) I have a high and annoyingly unpredictable libido, I get horny just doing the dishes or maybe popping up the road to buy a pie from the store lol. That's not sexual desire (the desire for partnered sex) it's just a normal physiological response caused by whatever hormones it is that cause arousal.

People desire partnered sex for all sorts of different reasons, you can't pinpoint it down to a few different reasons and say "oh that means this and this means that" ..

Sexual Attraction means something different to almost every person one asks Summer (as has been illustrated in this thread).. it becomes meaningless because there is no one defining factor that anyone can pinpoint.. its sooooo many different things to so many different people.

To you, that's what sexual attraction is, but to someone else, they might just say it's because they are in love with that person and that's why they desire sex with them, because sex is so much better when in love (EDIT: meaning it's not sexual attraction to them, it's just that sex is a deeply intimate and pleasurable part of a romantic relationship for them).. or someone might watch porn and get horny by watching the people fucking and then masturbate, and say *that* is sexual attraction.. it's different for every person. There is no one defining factor that makes sexual attraction, but there is one defining factor that makes asexuality: the lack of an innate desire for partnered sex. That's my opinion anyway.

I agree that everyone has their own idea of sexual attraction. I guess I just fall into the group of "wanting sex with a particular person is sexual attraction". I do strongly believe that an innate desire for partnered sex exists but I also think sexual attraction exists as well. I think they can even work together as a desire and what gender/genders you would like to have sex with.

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Guest

Not all sexual people look at someone and want to fuck them. Sexual people do want to fuck specific people. That is sexual attraction.

Three magical words are missing here: In your opinion.

I would say that is a partner preference. (cue accusations of being in with the "Christian Right" *sigh* #FalseDichotomy)

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Sally

Some of us asexuals have had relationships with sexuals in which those sexuals have both talked about how they feel and demonstrated how they feel, so we're not all completely clueless. My ex-partner talked quite often about how he felt toward people he was attracted to. He actually called it being "sexually attracted". (I'm not claiming that just because he termed it such, that it is -- just saying that's what I heard him say.) He made it clear that he felt physically attracted; it wasn't an emotional attraction.

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cbc

Yeah, to be fair, I've heard people speak of "sexual attraction", but I have yet to figure out what, specifically, it denotes. The term seems to mean a lot of things and nothing all at the same time. Personally, I know if I want to have sex with someone and I know if I don't want to have sex with someone. End of story. Those feelings are clear enough in themselves. I've learnt that microanalysis of every facet of sexuality is flat-out stupid, and these never-ending debates are kind of just like... come on, STOP, guys.

I really think we will never come to a conclusion that's universally accepted.

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Guest

I really think we will never come to a conclusion that's universally accepted.

True, and if we ever reached 100% shiny happy consensus, I'd be very wary of us having turned into a brain-washing cult.

I do, however, trust that we will be able to reach a consensus that 98%+ of us can live in peace with, even when we don't wholeheartedly agree with its details. Democracy - and thankfully, AVEN is one - can't be had without compromise.

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cbc

I really think we will never come to a conclusion that's universally accepted.

True, and if we ever reached 100% shiny happy consensus, I'd be very wary of us having turned into a brain-washing cult.

I do, however, trust that we will be able to reach a consensus that 98%+ of us can live in peace with, even when we don't wholeheartedly agree with its details. Democracy - and thankfully, AVEN is one - can't be had without compromise.

AVEN's not already a brainwashing cult? :P I kid, I kid.

I genuinely question whether this consensus will be reached within my lifetime, haha. The fact that it's taking this long to define something that seems pretty straightforward to me is a little baffling. I do hope you're right, though!

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Satin

I genuinely question whether this consensus will be reached within my lifetime, haha. The fact that it's taking this long to define something that seems pretty straightforward to me is a little baffling. I do hope you're right, though!

If you ask me it's because AVEN is a really comfortable bubble in which we asexuals sit around reinforcing each other's (sometimes downright wrong) ideas of how non-asexuals experience something we don't experience. Honestly, I feel like the whole brainwashing cult is not that far from reality sometimes because of this.

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Francoise Wang

I identify as heteromantic asexual. And I also don't think there is a specific thing called "sexual attraction". To me, "attraction" is just "attraction". I'm definitely attracted to men, and not to women. I instinctively know this. The attraction is like a pull toward the person I find attractive, and I desire to be emotionally and physically as close to that person as I can. I think this feeling is almost the same as when sexual people are "sexually attracted" to someone. I've seen sexual people described "sexual attraction" almost exactly the same way as I describe the "attraction" I feel towards people.

The reason I identify as asexual is that the feeling of "being attracted" is nor linked to "the physical pleasure and orgasm of sex" in my brain. I can have physical pleasure and orgasm through masturbation, and I masturbate quite often. But I just have never managed to link the great sensation of physical pleasure and orgasm with an attractive person in front of me. The attractive person in front of me would be instinctively linked to aesthetic admiration, emotional bond, romantic relationship, sensual touch, all the things sexuals would react to the attraction except sex and the physical pleasure of sex in my brain. Also I could never understand why partnered sex (even with a very attractive person) would feel better than masturbation, isn't masturbating a lot more convenient than partnered sex (and only yourself would know how to stimulate your body in the exactly right way)?

And I guess the difference between sexuals and asexuals is that the linkage between "attraction" and "the physical pleasure of sex" is missing in asexual's brain. At least I don't think the attractions I feel is different from the attractions sexual people feel, it's just the way my brain process "react towards the attraction" is different from sexual people. I don't think it's the same as "heterosexuals are not sexually attracted to the same sex", because most heterosexuals are totally not attracted to the same sex, just like I'm also totally not attracted to women. I don't think the reason that heterosexuals are not attracted to same sex people is due to some linkage missing in their brains, I think it's simply because the attraction is not existing at the beginning. But asexuals can still be totally attracted to their preferred gender, just they don't instinctively react to it in a sexual way.

Maybe some people would argue that I'm not "real" asexual and I do experience sexual attraction. But to me, it's clear that I'm practically asexual because I don't have any innate desire to act on the attractions I feel in a sexual way.

Also what I was curious about in the original question is not "what does sexual attraction feels like", because everyone's feeling of "attraction" is different, and "attraction" is "attraction". What I was curious about is that how did sexual people came to realize that they want to act on the attraction they feel in a sexual way. And I'm very thankful to people here who answered or discussed about this question.

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cbc

I genuinely question whether this consensus will be reached within my lifetime, haha. The fact that it's taking this long to define something that seems pretty straightforward to me is a little baffling. I do hope you're right, though!

If you ask me it's because AVEN is a really comfortable bubble in which we asexuals sit around reinforcing each other's (sometimes downright wrong) ideas of how non-asexuals experience something we don't experience. Honestly, I feel like the whole brainwashing cult is not that far from reality sometimes because of this.

I'm very very with you on that, yup.

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Guest

If you ask me it's because AVEN is a really comfortable bubble in which we asexuals sit around reinforcing each other's (sometimes downright wrong) ideas of how non-asexuals experience something we don't experience. Honestly, I feel like the whole brainwashing cult is not that far from reality sometimes because of this.

Sums up why I am immensely grateful to have sexuals like Skulls, Lady Girl, and Geo contributing to our discussions here, and why I reject the argument that sexuals should not have a say in the definition of asexuality. Our sexual friends on here are a much needed corrective to our (= aces) risk of simply reinforcing each other's misconceptions over and over again.

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Martin de V

And now it's time for "TMI About Marty." You've been warned. I'm faking quotes here because the quote function on this forum software and I don't get along all that well.

I also cuss a bit sometimes, and in places this is going to be what some would consider brutally frank (some will consider it charmingly quaint, but that can't be helped either). Again, you've been warned.

But how did you came to realize that what you felt IS "sexual attraction", when you felt sexual attraction toward people?

Honestly? It took some research...and this was tougher than some of the youngsters out there might imagine, because we didn't have Google and Wikipedia. We had to actually dig through books (they're like iPads, only thicker). And this was a tricky proposition for an 11-year-old with a step-father he couldn't talk to and a distant birth-father (in multiple senses of the word; he lived a long way away, and we didn't talk much until I was much older).

So there were a lot of trips to the library, surreptitious questions here and there, and of course scuttlebutt from friends at school who allegedly knew more (they didn't, but that didn't stop us talking; it never does). Health class gave me some pointers.

But it finally became clear that I was getting the raging pre-teen boner because I really liked the way the girl next to me in English was shaped, and I particularly liked the way she wiggled when she walked out of class, and I really, really wanted to do something about it.

It would be several more months before I figured out what it was I wanted to do, at least another year before I saw pictures of naked women and decided, "Yep, that's definitely for me," and several years before I got to put any of the ideas I was getting in my head into practice.

How did you came to realize that you desire to have sex with a certain person, before you had any sexual experience and know what having sex actually feels like?

As I said above...research. After a fashion.

Did you enjoy sex at the beginning when you started to have sex? If not, how did you came to realize that you still want sex after that?

Fast-forward to the age of 19. My first time...wasn't all that great, looking back. She was reasonably pretty, soft in all the right places, had really nice tits, and she was more than willing. Unfortunately, as it turned out, she had the intellectual capabilities of a basketball and a personality that would curdle fresh milk.

Since I was thinking with my dick at the time, that didn't matter, and it wouldn't occur to me for a little while that it could matter. She was naked, touching me (and letting me touch her) like no girl ever had before, and she wanted me to fuck her. So I obliged, and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Until a little while after, but that's a separate issue.

Or you just instinctively realize it IS "sexual attraction/sexual desire with a certain person" once you felt it? Is it clear at the first time you felt sexual attraction? Or it does take time for to figure out?

There was nothing clear about it, I'm afraid. As I said earlier, it took a lot of research.

Have you ever suspected that what you felt is actually NOT "sexual attraction" or "desiring to have sex with a certain person", and actually you had never felt sexual attraction or desired to have sex with anyone at all?

Once I figured it out...there was never a doubt in my mind.

Is it different for men and women? Such as, is it easier for men (or women) to realize it?

Almost assuredly; men and women, in spite of what a couple of generations of "feminists" want to tell you, are astonishingly different in almost all respects. I'll stop there so I don't get any more political than I already have.

But I know, as a guy, that I have a simple tool for determining if I'm sexually attracted to someone or not. And if I'm dressed in the wrong jeans, others might know it, too.

Being an asexual, it's really difficult for me to imagine what would being a sexual person feels like. Any sexual people here could explain it?

I've probably made more of a hash of it than anything. I hope, though, that I've been able to add another data point to your research without making you too squirmy in the process.

As for the rest of the argument/discussion in the thread...I think I'm gonna leave it alone. I agree with most of what Skulls has said, but I'm not gonna get into an argument with people. I will say that I think some of the other opinions I've encountered in here are silly and leave it at that.

(EDIT: Clarity, punctuation.)

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ellastokes

I think this is so stupid. I feel like "sexual attraction" is a word used to describe something some people feel; it definitely exists. AVEN isn't the reason I freaking wonder about it. I've known that I was different for a wihle. AVEN explained it to me, and I appreciate that.

What's the crazy talk about?

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Geo

Going to ignore the same old tired argument that's been on going for the last year, I see enough of our supporters hitting the right points to not have to step in, and I'll actually answer the OPs questions. (Though I'm sure my view will come through pretty loud and clear in my answers)

But how did you came to realize that what you felt IS "sexual attraction Desire", when you felt sexual attraction toward people?
Because I would think about sex acts and just know "I want that" Any time you say to yourself "I want that" about something, that's a desire and i'm sure almost everyone can relate to that experience in someway,(food, cuddles, jewelry, new phone, ect. ) Well it's just that, except about sex.
Also, I wanted sex long before I was ever attracted to any person.

How did you came to realize that you desire to have sex with a certain person, before you had any sexual experience and know what having sex actually feels like?
Well I mastrbuated since before I could remember and that feels really good.Sex stimulates the same parts so it's just logical extrapolation i guess. But that's just about sex in general which I always wanted.

As to wanting it with specific people.... it doesn't really work the way your question implies. At least not for me. I want sex period. I can imagine sex with a nameless faceless general idea of a female or with a specific good looking stranger, but would never actually have sex with a stranger because that would be awkward and very uncomfortable. Because sex is a very intimate thing I can only actually do for real with people I'm close to. But the underlying desire for sex is constant and unchanged by the people I may be thinking about.

Did you enjoy sex at the beginning when you started to have sex? If not, how did you came to realize that you still want sex after that?
Yes and no. I enjoyed the emotional aspect of being close to my partner that it brought, but as far as physical pleasure it was pretty lackluster as we were both inexperienced. I still wanted it because wanting it is not a conscious choice that I make. It's just part of my being.

Or you just instinctively realize it IS "sexual attraction/sexual desire with a certain person" once you felt it? Is it clear at the first time you felt sexual attraction? Or it does take time for to figure out?
I feel I answered most of this above so I'll just address the last part.

For pure physical attractiveness, it's usually an instantaneous assessment I make about a person the first time I see them, it's not really even conscious, it just happens automatically. On rare instances I can come to realize someones attractiveness over time when I didn't see it at first, days weeks or months, depending on how much time I spend with them. Usually these people fall outside my normal "type" but are still attractive nonetheless. As far as feeling close enough that I think sex with them would be a comfortable and positive experience for me, that always takes time and a lot of getting to know the person.

Have you ever suspected that what you felt is actually NOT "sexual attraction" or "desiring to have sex with a certain person", and actually you had never felt sexual attraction or desired to have sex with anyone at all?
No.

Is it different for men and women? Such as, is it easier for men (or women) to realize it?
I'm sure it is. Our brains chemistry is slightly different, and we are raised with different social conditioning. However I feel individual variances are probably much greater than the difference between group female's average and group male's average. So the difference probably isn't that important

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Francoise Wang

Well I mastrbuated since before I could remember and that feels really good.Sex stimulates the same parts so it's just logical extrapolation i guess.

Then, theoretically, it would be true for asexuals too, especially for asexuals who masturbate.

But I'm asexual and I masturbate, and masturbating also feels very good to me. But I still never wanted sex.

This may be TMI.

Before I had any sex experience, I thought sex would be completely different from masturbating, because I was completely terrified by the process of sex when I learned the details of it (at about 13 years old, of course I already knew the process of sex when I was a child, but I started to think about it seriously only after I started to be interested in having romantic relationships). Thinking about a men penetrating his genital into my body is really terrifying to me, it sounded very uncomfortable and gross. Male genitals are apparently too big to penetrate into my body. Also I've seen many people described girl's first time as terribly painful and bloody (now I know it's not true in most of the cases, but it sounds horrible to me at that time). Although I enjoy masturbating, but I never penetrate anything into my body when I masturbate, I just touch my genital outside of my body. And I really couldn't understand why any women would be willing to go through that painful and bloody process of their first time, and be willing to let men penetrate male genitals into their body (male genitals looks ugly to me, and those body fluids are gross, and thinking about the penetrating process just made me mentally uncomfortable) regularly after that. I even considered never to enter a romantic relationship for my whole life because I don't want to be penetrated, although I desire romantic relationship just like other teenagers do. And when I thought of sex I hate being female bodied and being heteromantic because this means I would have to be "penetrated by men" (although I love to be a girl and definitely identify as a girl). I even don't understand why other girls wouldn't be terrified by the process of sex.

Now I've had some sex experience, and sex indeed feels completely different from masturbation. I've never felt any pleasure while having sex, although it's not terribly painful while being penetrated, but it indeed is physically uncomfortable.

And I still can't understand why partnered sex would feel better than masturbation for some people. Isn't masturbating a lot more convenient than having partnered sex? And I am the only person who knows how to stimulate myself in the exactly right way, so wouldn't masturbating gives more physical pleasure than partnered sex? Although I do find some men very physically attractive, but why would "how attractive that person is" related to "how good would it feels to have sex with that person"? And why would "being attracted to a person's physical appearance" related to "willing to let him penetrate his genital into my body"? I really can't comprehend it. And I think this is why I'm asexual.

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Geo

Before I had any sex experience, I thought sex would be completely different from masturbating, because I was completely terrified by the process of sex when I learned the details of it (at about 13 years old, of course I already knew the process of sex when I was a child, but I started to think about it seriously only after I started to be interested in having romantic relationships). Thinking about a men penetrating his genital into my body is really terrifying to me, it sounded very uncomfortable and gross. Male genitals are apparently too big to penetrate into my body. Also I've seen many people described girl's first time as terribly painful and bloody (now I know it's not true in most of the cases, but it sounds horrible to me at that time). Although I enjoy masturbating, but I never penetrate anything into my body when I masturbate, I just touch my genital outside of my body. And I really couldn't understand why any women would be willing to go through that painful and bloody process of their first time, and be willing to let men penetrate male genitals into their body (male genitals looks ugly to me, and those body fluids are gross, and thinking about the penetrating process just made me mentally uncomfortable) regularly after that. I even considered never to enter a romantic relationship for my whole life because I don't want to be penetrated, although I desire romantic relationship just like other teenagers do. And when I thought of sex I hate being female bodied and being heteromantic because this means I would have to be "penetrated by men" (although I love to be a girl and definitely identify as a girl). I even don't understand why other girls wouldn't be terrified by the process of sex.

Now I've had some sex experience, and sex indeed feels completely different from masturbation. I've never felt any pleasure while having sex, although it's not terribly painful while being penetrated, but it indeed is physically uncomfortable.

Sorry, but that's a very narrow view of what partnered sex is. IMO Sex is any contact with another person that is intended to evoke physical pleasure. Doesn't even necessarily have to include genital contact. And FIY many sexual women don't get much out of penetration either. There are a million other things two people can do together besides penetration

And I still can't understand why partnered sex would feel better than masturbation for some people. Isn't masturbating a lot more convenient than having partnered sex? And I am the only person who knows how to stimulate myself in the exactly right way, so wouldn't masturbating gives more physical pleasure than partnered sex? Although I do find some men very physically attractive, but why would "how attractive that person is" related to "how good would it feels to have sex with that person"? And why would "being attracted to a person's physical appearance" related to "willing to let him penetrate his genital into my body"? I really can't comprehend it. And I think this is why I'm asexual.

Because physical pleasure is only one part. Sex is an intimate and emotional shared experience. Can't get that from masturbating.

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Philip027

I always just viewed sexual attraction as focused sexual desire. To me it's like a "squares are rectangles but rectangles are not necessarily squares" sort of thing.

I'm sure there are people that have loads of the desire yet little/none of the attraction, and for all intents and purposes function like how you'd expect a typical sexual person would. I feel like it's a misnomer to call these people asexual, and I bet most of them would agree.

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Francoise Wang

Before I had any sex experience, I thought sex would be completely different from masturbating, because I was completely terrified by the process of sex when I learned the details of it (at about 13 years old, of course I already knew the process of sex when I was a child, but I started to think about it seriously only after I started to be interested in having romantic relationships). Thinking about a men penetrating his genital into my body is really terrifying to me, it sounded very uncomfortable and gross. Male genitals are apparently too big to penetrate into my body. Also I've seen many people described girl's first time as terribly painful and bloody (now I know it's not true in most of the cases, but it sounds horrible to me at that time). Although I enjoy masturbating, but I never penetrate anything into my body when I masturbate, I just touch my genital outside of my body. And I really couldn't understand why any women would be willing to go through that painful and bloody process of their first time, and be willing to let men penetrate male genitals into their body (male genitals looks ugly to me, and those body fluids are gross, and thinking about the penetrating process just made me mentally uncomfortable) regularly after that. I even considered never to enter a romantic relationship for my whole life because I don't want to be penetrated, although I desire romantic relationship just like other teenagers do. And when I thought of sex I hate being female bodied and being heteromantic because this means I would have to be "penetrated by men" (although I love to be a girl and definitely identify as a girl). I even don't understand why other girls wouldn't be terrified by the process of sex.

Now I've had some sex experience, and sex indeed feels completely different from masturbation. I've never felt any pleasure while having sex, although it's not terribly painful while being penetrated, but it indeed is physically uncomfortable.

Sorry, but that's a very narrow view of what partnered sex is. IMO Sex is any contact with another person that is intended to evoke physical pleasure. Doesn't even necessarily have to include genital contact. And FIY many sexual women don't get much out of penetration either. There are a million other things two people can do together besides penetration

And I still can't understand why partnered sex would feel better than masturbation for some people. Isn't masturbating a lot more convenient than having partnered sex? And I am the only person who knows how to stimulate myself in the exactly right way, so wouldn't masturbating gives more physical pleasure than partnered sex? Although I do find some men very physically attractive, but why would "how attractive that person is" related to "how good would it feels to have sex with that person"? And why would "being attracted to a person's physical appearance" related to "willing to let him penetrate his genital into my body"? I really can't comprehend it. And I think this is why I'm asexual.

Because physical pleasure is only one part. Sex is an intimate and emotional shared experience. Can't get that from masturbating.

It's interesting to me that although many people told me that there are many kinds of sex, and sex doesn't necessarily involve penetrating, but according to my experience, all of the male partners I have had still want "real" penis-vagina penetrative sex, and see it as the most important and absolutely necessary part in sex. They can have physical pleasure through other kinds of sex such as hand job or oral sex, but if they only get non-penetrative sex but not "real" penis-vagina penetrative sex, they would feel like it's just a consolation prize and be unsatisfied about it, they can't live without penis-vagina penetrative sex for the whole life just like they can't live without sex for the whole life. So I wonder if that's an instinct of sexual men (I haven't had sex with women so I don't know what do sexual women feel), they instinctively desire penis-vagina penetrative sex just like they instinctively desire sex.

And if I managed to find a man that doesn't need penetrative sex and can be satisfied by other kinds of non-penetrative sex, I think I would become not so repulsed by having sex, but I still wouldn't enjoy or desire non-penetrative sex. I have tried non-penetrative sex pretty much, such as giving and receiving hand jobs and oral sex, and also dry humping. But none of these could give me physical pleasure, and none of these made me desire to do it. (Also I think it would be difficult to find a man who doesn't need penetrative sex, almost as difficult as finding an asexual man.)

I think the problem is that I don't see having sex as an intimate and emotional shared experience, no matter penetrative or non-penetrative sex. I can't feel any intamacy while doing sexual act with my partner, even when I love my partner. The linkage between "sexual act" and "emotional or physical intamacy" in my brain is missing. I can only feel emotional and physical intamacy through non-sexual sensual touch.

Anyway, I'm always confused by why men view penis-vagina penetrative sex as such an important thing, as if it can't be called "sex" without penis-vagina penetrative sex. Obviously they can have orgasm through other kinds of non-penetrative sex. But they feel like other kinds of sex is as unsatisfying as masturbation. Really confusing.

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Guest

It's interesting to me that although many people told me that there are many kinds of sex, and sex doesn't necessarily involve penetrating, but according to my experience, all of the male partners I have had still want "real" penis-vagina penetrative sex, and see it as the most important and absolutely necessary part in sex. They can have physical pleasure through other kinds of sex such as hand job or oral sex, but if they only get non-penetrative sex but not "real" penis-vagina penetrative sex, they would feel like it's just a consolation prize and be unsatisfied about it, they can't live without penis-vagina penetrative sex for the whole life just like they can't live without sex for the whole life. So I wonder if that's an instinct of sexual men (I haven't had sex with women so I don't know what do sexual women feel), they instinctively desire penis-vagina penetrative sex just like they instinctively desire sex.

And if I managed to find a man that doesn't need penetrative sex and can be satisfied by other kinds of non-penetrative sex, I think I would become not so repulsed by having sex, but I still wouldn't enjoy or desire non-penetrative sex. I have tried non-penetrative sex pretty much, such as giving and receiving hand jobs and oral sex, and also dry humping. But none of these could give me physical pleasure, and none of these made me desire to do it. (Also I think it would be difficult to find a man who doesn't need penetrative sex, almost as difficult as finding an asexual man.)

I think the problem is that I don't see having sex as an intimate and emotional shared experience, no matter penetrative or non-penetrative sex. I can't feel any intamacy while doing sexual act with my partner, even when I love my partner. The linkage between "sexual act" and "emotional or physical intamacy" in my brain is missing. I can only feel emotional and physical intamacy through non-sexual sensual touch.

Anyway, I'm always confused by why men view penis-vagina penetrative sex as such an important thing, as if it can't be called "sex" without penis-vagina penetrative sex. Obviously they can have orgasm through other kinds of non-penetrative sex. But they feel like other kinds of sex is as unsatisfying as masturbation. Really confusing.

It's not just men. The only sexual practice I, personally, could see myself ever agreeing to is giving (not receiving) a one-sided handjob. I have heard women literally answer to this statement with the sentence "I could never be satisfied with foreplay only." I've heard this reply more than once.

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Tarfeather

And to add to the examples here, I have a male friend who doesn't enjoy penetrative sex at all, and would rather only give/receive handjobs. You really can't generalize. :)

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Francoise Wang

And to add to the examples here, I have a male friend who doesn't enjoy penetrative sex at all, and would rather only give/receive handjobs. You really can't generalize. :)

I know not every men or women are like that, just like there are also asexual people there :-)

But finding a man that is not like that (doesn't need penetrative sex) is difficult :-(

Your friend is awesome, but maybe his partner would complain that hand jobs are not enough, if his partner is sexual :|

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