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Francoise Wang

For sexual people here, how did you came to realize that you are sexual?

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Francoise Wang

I know this seems to be a strange question, because since the vast majority of people are sexual, I guess most of the people would think they are sexual by default.

But how did you came to realize that what you felt IS "sexual attraction", when you felt sexual attraction toward people?

How did you came to realize that you desire to have sex with a certain person, before you had any sexual experience and know what having sex actually feels like?

Did you enjoy sex at the beginning when you started to have sex? If not, how did you came to realize that you still want sex after that?

Or you just instinctively realize it IS "sexual attraction/sexual desire with a certain person" once you felt it? Is it clear at the first time you felt sexual attraction? Or it does take time for to figure out?

Have you ever suspected that what you felt is actually NOT "sexual attraction" or "desiring to have sex with a certain person", and actually you had never felt sexual attraction or desired to have sex with anyone at all?

Is it different for men and women? Such as, is it easier for men (or women) to realize it?

Being an asexual, it's really difficult for me to imagine what would being a sexual person feels like. Any sexual people here could explain it?

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littlepersonparadox

I've talked about this with a few sexual friends. The answer is it depends. Some people say the just know that they have felt it even though they say they don't fully understand it. Others I've talked to talk as if it's a emotional high and extreme nervous rush mixed with libido. In other words strong desire to have sex aimed at someone + arousal. People feel nervous/ this excitement in different ways.

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Excandesco

How did you came to realize that what you felt IS "sexual attraction", when you felt sexual attraction toward people?

I guess at first I didn't know it was sexual attraction. Apart from my basic knowledge from sexual education, but it's one thing theorising about something and another experiencing it. But, something just changed. One day I didn't have sexual attraction and then, blam, there it was.

How did you came to realize that you desire to have sex with a certain person, before you had any sexual experience and know what having sex actually feels like?

Haha, well, I felt an urge, or a desire or thoughts to 'have sex' with someone as in actual intercourse. I realised it as it happened? It's like 'suddenly' wanting to try riding a roller coaster because you can imagine it is fun or looks fun or exciting without having ever been on a roller coaster before. You could probably fantasise about that. I felt physically and emotionally different in certain situations, aroused, turned on, horny, excited and so on. I sometimes felt like I needed to release pent up 'frustrations'. Even before I had any sexual experience I kinda knew what I wanted to happen? I started to fantasise about sexual situations too, my libido kicked in.

Did you enjoy sex at the beginning when you started to have sex? If not, how did you came to realize that you still want sex after that?

I did enjoy sex at the beginning.

Or you just instinctively realize it IS "sexual attraction/sexual desire with a certain person" once you felt it? Is it clear at the first time you felt sexual attraction? Or it does take time for to figure out?

I think it might have been instinctual. I don't think I had a clear understanding of what exactly was happening, but I could understand my feelings and desires.

Have you ever suspected that what you felt is actually NOT "sexual attraction" or "desiring to have sex with a certain person", and actually you had never felt sexual attraction or desired to have sex with anyone at all?

It was always sexual attraction when I felt sexual attraction. The thought that it wasn't sexual attraction never crossed my mind. Sure I did have other attractions, I could notice that someone was aesthetically nice without sexually desiring them. Or that I was attracted to someone's personality, but when it was sexual attraction, it just was.

Is it different for men and women? Such as, is it easier for men (or women) to realize it?

No idea, probably not? I have only experienced sexual attraction as a man. xD

Being an asexual, it's really difficult for me to imagine what would being a sexual person feels like. Any sexual people here could explain it?

Finally, the reason I can answer so clearly (at least in my head the difference between what is sexual and what is asexual is clear) is that now I am 'essentially' asexual. I don't have sexual desires or attraction anymore. So it's very easy for me to know what was sexual stuff. The stuff that is gone... So technically I'm not a sexual person but I was. xD I hope my input helps a little.

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Francoise Wang

How did you came to realize that what you felt IS "sexual attraction", when you felt sexual attraction toward people?

I guess at first I didn't know it was sexual attraction. Apart from my basic knowledge from sexual education, but it's one thing theorising about something and another experiencing it. But, something just changed. One day I didn't have sexual attraction and then, blam, there it was.

How did you came to realize that you desire to have sex with a certain person, before you had any sexual experience and know what having sex actually feels like?

Haha, well, I felt an urge, or a desire or thoughts to 'have sex' with someone as in actual intercourse. I realised it as it happened? It's like 'suddenly' wanting to try riding a roller coaster because you can imagine it is fun or looks fun or exciting without having ever been on a roller coaster before. You could probably fantasise about that. I felt physically and emotionally different in certain situations, aroused, turned on, horny, excited and so on. I sometimes felt like I needed to release pent up 'frustrations'. Even before I had any sexual experience I kinda knew what I wanted to happen? I started to fantasise about sexual situations too, my libido kicked in.

Did you enjoy sex at the beginning when you started to have sex? If not, how did you came to realize that you still want sex after that?

I did enjoy sex at the beginning.

Or you just instinctively realize it IS "sexual attraction/sexual desire with a certain person" once you felt it? Is it clear at the first time you felt sexual attraction? Or it does take time for to figure out?

I think it might have been instinctual. I don't think I had a clear understanding of what exactly was happening, but I could understand my feelings and desires.

Have you ever suspected that what you felt is actually NOT "sexual attraction" or "desiring to have sex with a certain person", and actually you had never felt sexual attraction or desired to have sex with anyone at all?

It was always sexual attraction when I felt sexual attraction. The thought that it wasn't sexual attraction never crossed my mind. Sure I did have other attractions, I could notice that someone was aesthetically nice without sexually desiring them. Or that I was attracted to someone's personality, but when it was sexual attraction, it just was.

Is it different for men and women? Such as, is it easier for men (or women) to realize it?

No idea, probably not? I have only experienced sexual attraction as a man. xD

Being an asexual, it's really difficult for me to imagine what would being a sexual person feels like. Any sexual people here could explain it?

Finally, the reason I can answer so clearly (at least in my head the difference between what is sexual and what is asexual is clear) is that now I am 'essentially' asexual. I don't have sexual desires or attraction anymore. So it's very easy for me to know what was sexual stuff. The stuff that is gone... So technically I'm not a sexual person but I was. xD I hope my input helps a little.

Thanks for your answering! :-D

You were sexual before, and became asexual later in your life? Was there a cause? Or was it just sexuality fluid?

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littlepersonparadox

From what I've seen sexuality is fluid. Most people stay the same since birth, but shifting or being something else later on is a lot more common than I first thought.

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Excandesco
Thanks for your answering! :-D

You were sexual before, and became asexual later in your life? Was there a cause? Or was it just sexuality fluid?

I have no idea what actually caused it. I do have a little chronic pain, but there's no real reason why that would have caused the change.

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Skullery Maid

But how did you came to realize that what you felt IS "sexual attraction", when you felt sexual attraction toward people?

I didn’t. Sexual attraction is something that exists on AVEN the same way Santa exists in a Christmas movie…

How did you came to realize that you desire to have sex with a certain person, before you had any sexual experience and know what having sex actually feels like?

For me, I just wanted to keep getting closer and closer… and eventually “closer” became sexual contact. I think being romantic is a very nice shortcut, because it sort of creates the sexual interest even if it hadn’t been there prior. And no I’m not demisexual, that’s just how a lot people are.

Did you enjoy sex at the beginning when you started to have sex? If not, how did you came to realize that you still want sex after that?

Hahaha. Well, no, not really, but that’s the thing… even if it’s kind of awkward or whatever, if you’re sexual, there’s something in you that compels you toward it anyway. It’s the thing that makes us push on and learn how to be good at sex so that it CAN be good. It’s the thing that pushes us to keep experimenting, to search for our real sexual orientations, etc. Even if there isn’t much in the way of sexual pleasure, I think a lot of people will simply keep trying.

Or you just instinctively realize it IS "sexual attraction/sexual desire with a certain person" once you felt it? Is it clear at the first time you felt sexual attraction? Or it does take time for to figure out?

I didn’t have to figure it out, and at least in my day, no one was sitting around saying “is this sexual attraction”… sexual attraction was not a term I ever heard. I just did what I wanted to do and I didn’t worry about what is or isn’t attraction. By the by, sexual attraction and sexual desire are very different. I don’t know what attraction is, but desire is a strong feeling that mixes an emotional response with a physical one, and it’s pretty rad.

Have you ever suspected that what you felt is actually NOT "sexual attraction" or "desiring to have sex with a certain person", and actually you had never felt sexual attraction or desired to have sex with anyone at all?

I don’t care what sexual attraction is or whether I’ve felt it, but sexual desire… there is no doubt I’ve experienced sexual desire.

Is it different for men and women? Such as, is it easier for men (or women) to realize it?

I’ve wondered if erections make it easier to know what’s going on… seems possible?

Being an asexual, it's really difficult for me to imagine what would being a sexual person feels like. Any sexual people here could explain it?

I don’t really know what that means.

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Glad-I-Found-This-Site

I remember feeling "something" from an early age. There was a girl sitting behind me in 3rd grade, and I used to find ways to let our feet touch. I remember feeling something strange as we touched. It wasn't sexual, but it was something.

Around the same time, I remember my friend's sister used to show up to our baseball games. I couldn't even focus on the game as my mind would wander in hopes of catching a glance.

Soon, conversations with friends would center on "boobs." When we heard that some movies on HBO featured boobs, we would schedule sleepovers and spend the night monitoring the movie channel. Then my friend unveiled his dad's Playboys. From that point onward, we would do anything to get our hands on one. I remember a bicycle journey across town to see a stack that was hidden under a pile of leaves. Each page was stuck together after the rain, but we didn't care one bit.

As I would lay in bed, I'd picture whatever crush I had. I recall laying there picturing a scenario where every girl in school was naked. That was frequently the image that flashed through my head just before sleep....and that was when I was only 10 years old.

In high school, I would do anything just to be around females. My friends and I would patrol the mall and walk around endlessly downtown in the hopes of getting lucky.

Since then, sex has just been on my mind for a chunk of each day. Even when it isn't on my mind, it is not too far away. All it takes is a woman to walk by, and my mind wanders...

* "I'd do her."

* "Nah, wouldn't do her." (Every woman gets that quick assessment)

* "Damn, nice ass." (or chest)

My mind is constantly surveying the room, making the kind of assessments of women that I wouldn't want anyone to make of me. I can't help it. It happens so often (and I believe most sexuals are this way) that it can happen in the background of my mind while I am being completely functional and productive in every other way. The pressure actually builds "down below" to the point where I find that it is literally the "second head/brain" that people talk about.

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Lady Girl

For me, I just wanted to keep getting closer and closer… and eventually “closer” became sexual contact. I think being romantic is a very nice shortcut, because it sort of creates the sexual interest even if it hadn’t been there prior. And no I’m not demisexual, that’s just how a lot people are.

… even if it’s kind of awkward or whatever, if you’re sexual, there’s something in you that compels you toward it anyway. It’s the thing that makes us push on and learn how to be good at sex so that it CAN be good. It’s the thing that pushes us to keep experimenting, to search for our real sexual orientations, etc. Even if there isn’t much in the way of sexual pleasure, I think a lot of people will simply keep trying.

I didn’t have to figure it out, and at least in my day, no one was sitting around saying “is this sexual attraction”… sexual attraction was not a term I ever heard. I just did what I wanted to do and I didn’t worry about what is or isn’t attraction. By the by, sexual attraction and sexual desire are very different. I don’t know what attraction is, but desire is a strong feeling that mixes an emotional response with a physical one, and it’s pretty rad.

I don’t care what sexual attraction is or whether I’ve felt it, but sexual desire… there is no doubt I’ve experienced sexual desire.

This pretty much sums it up for me too.

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OswaldVH

When my friends started to use the word "sexy" to describe boobs or butts, I didn't undestand. Sure, I can see when someone is cute or beautiful but "sexy" is a word that, to this day, doesn't mean anything to me. When I was little and I gor the "talk" for the first time, I was afraid. I was afraid that if I didn't want sex then I would never find anyone.

I remember thinking that if ever got in a relationship, I would let my partner be with other people.

I have lived with my asexuality all my life, even if i didn't knew it was called something or that there were other people than me like who were like that.

:)

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CBC

Being an asexual, it's really difficult for me to imagine what would being a sexual person feels like. Any sexual people here could explain it?

I think a lot of people are going to have difficulty with the vagueness of this question. Can you explain what being asexual feels like?

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Francoise Wang

Being an asexual, it's really difficult for me to imagine what would being a sexual person feels like. Any sexual people here could explain it?

I think a lot of people are going to have difficulty with the vagueness of this question. Can you explain what being asexual feels like?

I think I can explain it to some degree, but it would be a long post. And maybe it still wouldn't describe all the aspects of what being asexual feels like. But if you're interested in it, I can try to explain it :-D

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CBC

Being an asexual, it's really difficult for me to imagine what would being a sexual person feels like. Any sexual people here could explain it?

I think a lot of people are going to have difficulty with the vagueness of this question. Can you explain what being asexual feels like?

I think I can explain it to some degree, but it would be a long post. And maybe it still wouldn't describe all the aspects of what being asexual feels like. But if you're interested in it, I can try to explain it :-D

That was mostly a rhetorical question. I've been around AVEN for a long time here, and questioned my own identity many times, so I actually have a decent enough concept of asexuality and also of being "sexual". I don't really require an explanation (of either one), but I was wondering if it would actually be easy for you to explain if someone wanted you to. You don't need to -- but are, however, free to try for sure!

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Francoise Wang

Being an asexual, it's really difficult for me to imagine what would being a sexual person feels like. Any sexual people here could explain it?

I think a lot of people are going to have difficulty with the vagueness of this question. Can you explain what being asexual feels like?
I think I can explain it to some degree, but it would be a long post. And maybe it still wouldn't describe all the aspects of what being asexual feels like. But if you're interested in it, I can try to explain it :-D
That was mostly a rhetorical question. I've been around AVEN for a long time here, and questioned my own identity many times, so I actually have a decent enough concept of asexuality and also of being "sexual". I don't really require an explanation (of either one), but I was wondering if it would actually be easy for you to explain if someone wanted you to. You don't need to -- but are, however, free to try for sure!

Haha, get it. So how did you finally came to figure out whether you're sexual or asexual? I guess that would be an interesting process :-)

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CBC

Being an asexual, it's really difficult for me to imagine what would being a sexual person feels like. Any sexual people here could explain it?

I think a lot of people are going to have difficulty with the vagueness of this question. Can you explain what being asexual feels like?

I think I can explain it to some degree, but it would be a long post. And maybe it still wouldn't describe all the aspects of what being asexual feels like. But if you're interested in it, I can try to explain it :-D

That was mostly a rhetorical question. I've been around AVEN for a long time here, and questioned my own identity many times, so I actually have a decent enough concept of asexuality and also of being "sexual". I don't really require an explanation (of either one), but I was wondering if it would actually be easy for you to explain if someone wanted you to. You don't need to -- but are, however, free to try for sure!

Haha, get it. So how did you finally came to figure out whether you're sexual or asexual? I guess that would be an interesting process :-)

That is... haha, hrmm. That's quite the question.

The concept of "sexual attraction" is an odd one to me, and so much of defining asexuality seems to revolve around this whole attraction thing. I've never looked at someone and thought I'd love to have sex with them because of how they look. I've also never thought, "Wow, you're smart/kind/funny/whatever, let's have sex!" In certain circumstances, with people for whom I've developed romantic feelings, I've felt a... pull? A draw? Desire, I guess? Like an I-want-to-be-really-close-to-you feeling, and it's just a very innate thing to connect that to the idea of sexual interaction. See, the thing is, I don't sit there and think, "Oh, is this a sexual feeling? Is it attraction?" It's just a go-with-what-feels-right sort of thing for me, and I've learnt there are sexual things that don't feel right and things that do. The fact that there's anything of a sexual nature that seems "right", though, leads me to believe that calling myself asexual would be incorrect. I also avoid use of the term 'demisexual' because I'm fully capable of finding people I don't know attractive. Mind you, I still don't think about sex with them and almost certainly wouldn't have sex with them, and I imagine some people would call that aesthetic attraction rather than sexual attraction, but honestly, attraction is all just attraction to me, and my lack of interest in sex with an attractive stranger is just a personal preference.

All that said, sex is not a need for me (but really, define 'need'... you don't die without sex, yet for some people it's a strong factor in psychological wellbeing), and it does not really occur to me unless there's someone in my life I have real interest in that way. It's been close to three years since I've had sex, and I wasn't feeling comfortable with it, so I'm happier not having it under such circumstances than I would be with forcing myself to do so. In the past, I've convinced myself to go through with things I wasn't really mentally alright with, thinking it would eventually seem okay (it didn't), and that's just a recipe for extreme discomfort and unhappiness for me personally.

Anyway, yeah... "interesting process" is one way to put it, haha. I've used the term 'grey-a' here on AVEN before, but not outside of this community, and don't really feel the need for it anyway. As for being asexual though, I honestly highly doubt it.

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Guest

But how did you came to realize that what you felt IS "sexual attraction", when you felt sexual attraction toward people?

I didn’t. Sexual attraction is something that exists on AVEN the same way Santa exists in a Christmas movie…

How did you came to realize that you desire to have sex with a certain person, before you had any sexual experience and know what having sex actually feels like?

For me, I just wanted to keep getting closer and closer… and eventually “closer” became sexual contact. I think being romantic is a very nice shortcut, because it sort of creates the sexual interest even if it hadn’t been there prior. And no I’m not demisexual, that’s just how a lot people are.

Did you enjoy sex at the beginning when you started to have sex? If not, how did you came to realize that you still want sex after that?

Hahaha. Well, no, not really, but that’s the thing… even if it’s kind of awkward or whatever, if you’re sexual, there’s something in you that compels you toward it anyway. It’s the thing that makes us push on and learn how to be good at sex so that it CAN be good. It’s the thing that pushes us to keep experimenting, to search for our real sexual orientations, etc. Even if there isn’t much in the way of sexual pleasure, I think a lot of people will simply keep trying.

Or you just instinctively realize it IS "sexual attraction/sexual desire with a certain person" once you felt it? Is it clear at the first time you felt sexual attraction? Or it does take time for to figure out?

I didn’t have to figure it out, and at least in my day, no one was sitting around saying “is this sexual attraction”… sexual attraction was not a term I ever heard. I just did what I wanted to do and I didn’t worry about what is or isn’t attraction. By the by, sexual attraction and sexual desire are very different. I don’t know what attraction is, but desire is a strong feeling that mixes an emotional response with a physical one, and it’s pretty rad.

Have you ever suspected that what you felt is actually NOT "sexual attraction" or "desiring to have sex with a certain person", and actually you had never felt sexual attraction or desired to have sex with anyone at all?

I don’t care what sexual attraction is or whether I’ve felt it, but sexual desire… there is no doubt I’ve experienced sexual desire.

Is it different for men and women? Such as, is it easier for men (or women) to realize it?

I’ve wondered if erections make it easier to know what’s going on… seems possible?

Being an asexual, it's really difficult for me to imagine what would being a sexual person feels like. Any sexual people here could explain it?

I don’t really know what that means.

This post should not be pinned as much as it should be plastered all over the site.

In the most platonic of terms, Skulls: I love you. I dearly, dearly love you.

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Skullery Maid

In the most platonic of terms, Skulls: I love you. I dearly, dearly love you.

Well thank god because, you know, you're one of two people I platonically mentioned in the aven squish thread... :ph34r: !!

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The Great WTF

But how did you came to realize that what you felt IS "sexual attraction", when you felt sexual attraction toward people?

I didn’t. Sexual attraction is something that exists on AVEN the same way Santa exists in a Christmas movie…

How did you came to realize that you desire to have sex with a certain person, before you had any sexual experience and know what having sex actually feels like?

For me, I just wanted to keep getting closer and closer… and eventually “closer” became sexual contact. I think being romantic is a very nice shortcut, because it sort of creates the sexual interest even if it hadn’t been there prior. And no I’m not demisexual, that’s just how a lot people are.

Did you enjoy sex at the beginning when you started to have sex? If not, how did you came to realize that you still want sex after that?

Hahaha. Well, no, not really, but that’s the thing… even if it’s kind of awkward or whatever, if you’re sexual, there’s something in you that compels you toward it anyway. It’s the thing that makes us push on and learn how to be good at sex so that it CAN be good. It’s the thing that pushes us to keep experimenting, to search for our real sexual orientations, etc. Even if there isn’t much in the way of sexual pleasure, I think a lot of people will simply keep trying.

Or you just instinctively realize it IS "sexual attraction/sexual desire with a certain person" once you felt it? Is it clear at the first time you felt sexual attraction? Or it does take time for to figure out?

I didn’t have to figure it out, and at least in my day, no one was sitting around saying “is this sexual attraction”… sexual attraction was not a term I ever heard. I just did what I wanted to do and I didn’t worry about what is or isn’t attraction. By the by, sexual attraction and sexual desire are very different. I don’t know what attraction is, but desire is a strong feeling that mixes an emotional response with a physical one, and it’s pretty rad.

Have you ever suspected that what you felt is actually NOT "sexual attraction" or "desiring to have sex with a certain person", and actually you had never felt sexual attraction or desired to have sex with anyone at all?

I don’t care what sexual attraction is or whether I’ve felt it, but sexual desire… there is no doubt I’ve experienced sexual desire.

Is it different for men and women? Such as, is it easier for men (or women) to realize it?

I’ve wondered if erections make it easier to know what’s going on… seems possible?

Being an asexual, it's really difficult for me to imagine what would being a sexual person feels like. Any sexual people here could explain it?

I don’t really know what that means.

This post should not be pinned as much as it should be plastered all over the site.

In the most platonic of terms, Skulls: I love you. I dearly, dearly love you.

I second this wholeheartedly.

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Guest

In the most platonic of terms, Skulls: I love you. I dearly, dearly love you.

Well thank god because, you know, you're one of two people I platonically mentioned in the aven squish thread... :ph34r: !!

In the words of the wonderful George Takei: "Oh my!!!" :blush:

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Keels

But how did you came to realize that what you felt IS "sexual attraction", when you felt sexual attraction toward people?

I didn’t. Sexual attraction is something that exists on AVEN the same way Santa exists in a Christmas movie…

[...]

Or you just instinctively realize it IS "sexual attraction/sexual desire with a certain person" once you felt it? Is it clear at the first time you felt sexual attraction? Or it does take time for to figure out?

I didn’t have to figure it out, and at least in my day, no one was sitting around saying “is this sexual attraction”… sexual attraction was not a term I ever heard. I just did what I wanted to do and I didn’t worry about what is or isn’t attraction. By the by, sexual attraction and sexual desire are very different. I don’t know what attraction is, but desire is a strong feeling that mixes an emotional response with a physical one, and it’s pretty rad.

Have you ever suspected that what you felt is actually NOT "sexual attraction" or "desiring to have sex with a certain person", and actually you had never felt sexual attraction or desired to have sex with anyone at all?

I don’t care what sexual attraction is or whether I’ve felt it, but sexual desire… there is no doubt I’ve experienced sexual desire.

Can you explain this, please? The 'sexual attraction doesn't exist' part? And the distinction you see between sexual attraction and sexual desire?

Are you saying that a sentence like "I am sexually attracted to him" is nonsensical to you?

I keep feeling like I'm almost understanding this whole sexual/asexual concept space, and then suddenly it crumbles away. It's actually really frustrating, like a homework problem I can't solve.

This thought process makes a certain amount of sense to me:

  1. Sexual attraction is a thing.
  2. If I go back through my life, I don't think I've ever really felt "sexual attraction".
  3. Therefore, asexuality explains a lot of my life.

But you're saying sexual attraction doesn't exist, so that means I haven't felt it EXACTLY BECAUSE it doesn't exist... so now what?

Anyway... because "sexual attraction" is so confusing, I personally use a non-AVEN definition that suits me better -- basically, sexual attraction/sexual desire has never been a particular motivating factor in my behavior, ergo I'm probably somewhere on the asexuality spectrum -- so it doesn't exactly matter to me whether sexual attraction is real or not. But still... I'm insanely curious why you and Mysticus seem to be so vigorously opposed to the concept of sexual attraction.

Help?

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Guest

Please search for my previous posts on the subject. There have been lots of them. The most recent one got me a - completely deserved, because it did break AVEN's ToS - official warning, so please forgive me when I hesitate to further speak out on it at the moment.

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Skullery Maid

Sexual attraction is a concept, not a feeling. It basically means that I have the ability to feel sexual desire toward women, but I don't feel attraction... that's dumb. That's like saying you can feel your ability to be hungry, when in actuality you only feel the hunger itself.


Please search for my previous posts on the subject. There have been lots of them. The most recent one got me a - completely deserved, because it did break AVEN's ToS - official warning, so please forgive me when I hesitate to further speak out on it at the moment.

OMG will be searching immediately...

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butterflydreams

Yes, it's a concept, not a feeling. I like that :)

Its a concept that hasn't been part of my life, that's all I really know about it. Importantly though, I think it's a concept that we each experience, or don't experience uniquely to some degree. For sexuals, I'd imagine things just "click" as it were. For me, that click hasn't really happened, and I don't suspect it will.

Hope this makes sense!

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Serran

But how did you came to realize that what you felt IS "sexual attraction", when you felt sexual attraction toward people?

I didn’t. Sexual attraction is something that exists on AVEN the same way Santa exists in a Christmas movie…

[...]

Or you just instinctively realize it IS "sexual attraction/sexual desire with a certain person" once you felt it? Is it clear at the first time you felt sexual attraction? Or it does take time for to figure out?

I didn’t have to figure it out, and at least in my day, no one was sitting around saying “is this sexual attraction”… sexual attraction was not a term I ever heard. I just did what I wanted to do and I didn’t worry about what is or isn’t attraction. By the by, sexual attraction and sexual desire are very different. I don’t know what attraction is, but desire is a strong feeling that mixes an emotional response with a physical one, and it’s pretty rad.

Have you ever suspected that what you felt is actually NOT "sexual attraction" or "desiring to have sex with a certain person", and actually you had never felt sexual attraction or desired to have sex with anyone at all?

I don’t care what sexual attraction is or whether I’ve felt it, but sexual desire… there is no doubt I’ve experienced sexual desire.

Can you explain this, please? The 'sexual attraction doesn't exist' part? And the distinction you see between sexual attraction and sexual desire?

Are you saying that a sentence like "I am sexually attracted to him" is nonsensical to you?

I keep feeling like I'm almost understanding this whole sexual/asexual concept space, and then suddenly it crumbles away. It's actually really frustrating, like a homework problem I can't solve.

This thought process makes a certain amount of sense to me:

  1. Sexual attraction is a thing.
  2. If I go back through my life, I don't think I've ever really felt "sexual attraction".
  3. Therefore, asexuality explains a lot of my life.

But you're saying sexual attraction doesn't exist, so that means I haven't felt it EXACTLY BECAUSE it doesn't exist... so now what?

Anyway... because "sexual attraction" is so confusing, I personally use a non-AVEN definition that suits me better -- basically, sexual attraction/sexual desire has never been a particular motivating factor in my behavior, ergo I'm probably somewhere on the asexuality spectrum -- so it doesn't exactly matter to me whether sexual attraction is real or not. But still... I'm insanely curious why you and Mysticus seem to be so vigorously opposed to the concept of sexual attraction.

Help?

Yeah.. I don't particularly understand "sexual attraction". I don't consider it important. I see it like this: I desire cuddles with males because I enjoy cuddles with males and I get urges to have cuddles with males. It isn't really "I REALLY WANT CUDDLES WITH THAT PERSON" cause I saw them and was attracted to them. It's I want to cuddle, males are my seemingly hard wired preference. Then who specifically I cuddle is totally based on my personal beliefs/ethics/morals/values of "romantic partners only". But, without anyone around sparking it, or even anyone I COULD cuddle, I still have that desire to cuddle. If I had that same innate desire towards sex, I wouldn't have even thought about "sexual attraction". I just would have been happily heterosexual. My lack of that innate desire towards having sex, like I have towards cuddling/kissing, is why I don't feel like I am a "sexual". The vague "attraction" business I just find way too confusing, because no one can give me a clear definition. So, I stopped even attempting to figure it out. "Attraction is a vague concept, definition varies between people. Make of it what you will." Is essentially my stance on sexual attraction right now.

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Keels

OK, so that's really interesting and sort of twistedly funny.

"Sexual attraction" only makes sense to those of us who don't have it, because it's something we can point to and say we don't have. But those who (allegedly) DO have it don't actually experience it as such. It's not a thing for them.

I think I see where you're coming from. A thing defined only by its lack probably isn't a thing in the first place. Think I'm finally starting to understand.

Thanks. :)

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Skullery Maid

OK, so that's really interesting and sort of twistedly funny.

"Sexual attraction" only makes sense to those of us who don't have it, because it's something we can point to and say we don't have. But those who (allegedly) DO have it don't actually experience it as such. It's not a thing for them.

I think I see where you're coming from. A thing defined only by its lack probably isn't a thing in the first place. Think I'm finally starting to understand.

Thanks. :)

I don't actually think that's accurate. It's only something you can point to and say you don't have because that's what AVEN told you to do. Had you never been told to wonder about sexual attraction, you never would have. It is entirely AVEN's fault that people think they understand what "not feeling sexual attraction" is.

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Keels

Fully agree. 'Twould have been more accurate with a few more "seems" in it, as in, "it SEEMS to be something we can point to and say we don't have".

Though... I have to admit I still don't find a sentence like "I am sexually attracted to you" to be nonsensical. I guess you're saying that that sentence is identical to the sentence "I desire you sexually", and that it unhelpfully muddies the waters because it reifies "sexual attraction" as a thing you either do or don't have.

This is remarkably hard for me to understand.

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Tarfeather

Uhm.. IMO all the terms: sexual attraction/desire, romantic attraction, etc. are woefully inadequate. The first mistake is to correlate sexual orientation with sex, which it doesn't. The second mistake is to try and split that part of sexual orientation/"in love" which is not about sex off into a separate category called "romance".

Here's my take on things:

- People can have different sexual orientations. They are called sexual orientations because it's an important factor for most people in who they have sex with, but if you look more closely at the mechanisms, it has little to do with sex. Someone can not want sex, and still have such an orientation. They are often called "romantic asexuals" around here. So we might want a new term for this concept that doesn't involve having sex with someone; But for us sexuals, it'd still be that same thing we call sexual orientation.

- People can still do sexually stimulating activities regardless of their sexual orientation. I could probably have sex with a man if I really wanted to. I can certainly stimulate myself without another person. How one uses their genitalia or the genitalia of others is not necessarily a sign of their orientation. What that person fantasizes about while stimulating themselves is a much better indicator.

Now to properly define these terms people are throwing around:

- sexual attraction: The feelings you can have for someone matching your sexual orientation and not others.

- romantic attraction: The same as sexual attraction, but used by people who do not desire sex.

- sexual desire/romantic desire: The desire to be physically close to someone as a result of sexual orientation/sexual attraction

So, really, all we need is to find a better word for "sexual orientation" that does not necessarily involve a desire to physically have sex and we're golden.

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Guest

So, really, all we need is to find a better word for "sexual orientation" that does not necessarily involve a desire to physically have sex and we're golden.

While I don't fully agree to your reasoning before this line (and do not wish to publicly elaborate right now)...

We already have such a word: Partner preference. Some folks just don't like it for cultural/political reasons (primarily, its ideological abuse by the US-American "Christian Right").

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Skullery Maid

Fully agree. 'Twould have been more accurate with a few more "seems" in it, as in, "it SEEMS to be something we can point to and say we don't have".

Though... I have to admit I still don't find a sentence like "I am sexually attracted to you" to be nonsensical. I guess you're saying that that sentence is identical to the sentence "I desire you sexually", and that it unhelpfully muddies the waters because it reifies "sexual attraction" as a thing you either do or don't have.

This is remarkably hard for me to understand.

No, I don't think the sentence is nonsensical either... but i think you only become aware that you're sexually attracted to someone by experiencing the desire. In my experience, anyway. It's kind of like all of a sudden I get a feeling like... Oh... well, I wonder how long that's been lurking there!

Imagine your apartment was filling with odorless gas. You wouldn't know the gas was there until the place blew up... at that point, you could easily go back and say "oh, I wonder how long the gas had been leaking?"

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