Any other Asexuals interested in sex with people?

[purplemutant]

Earlier I was watching the documentary (A)Sexual. That got me thinking about my (A)Sexuality. I am Asexual but still desire to have sex with people. I am sure many people would scratch their heads and think "how does that work?". There is a common misconception that Asexuals aren't interested in sexual activity of any sort. There is also a misconception that Asexuals aren't interested in sexual activities involving other people. Two reasons I have seen given for why an asexual would have sex is A) to please a partner; or B) to reproduce. Well, how about C)? orgasms are enjoyable and sometimes it's nice if someone else is involved!

The problem is that people tend to see sexual attraction and sexual desire as inextricably linked. If you desire sex with people then you MUST be attracted to people right? NO! Here are some examples. Many (most?) cases of rape are about power not sex. The rapist gets off on the power trip not the sex trip. There also cases where people have sex with someone because they are an easy target not because they are attracted to them. People with disabilities, children, and the elderly are common targets. Then you have drug addicted prostitutes. Women who are seriously addicted to hard drugs like crack, heroin, or methamphetamine don't fit typical standards of attractiveness. Yet they manage to make their drug money. If someone desires sex but can't get it for free, the next option is a prostitute. It doesn't matter if she's ugly as long as she can spread her legs or give a blow job.

In my case the only reason I want to have sex with people is because there aren't any suitable substitutes. Sure I can scratch my own itch; but it would be nice if someone would scratch it for me. ;) As things are right now, the best option is people. A holodeck from Star Trek or maybe a cyborg would be preferable to a person. They have the people qualities I want without actually being people. A sex doll like the real doll would be an acceptable but not ideal solution. Unfortunately holodecks aren't real, real dolls are expensive, and being Autistic and transgender makes it harder to find sex partners. So I am just stuck masturbating. I have engaged in sexual activities with other people twice in my life; which I enjoyed both times. In both cases they were opportunities that presented them selves. It seems like maybe the best thing would be sex with other asexuals. But it's hard enough to find asexuals of any sort in the real world; let alone ones who would be interested in sex with other people.

The next issue is the issue of mechanics. If you aren't sexually attracted to someone, how do you get aroused? If you rub me in the right place, in the right way, for the right length of time I will get aroused and have an orgasm. I may get aroused by the fact that I am going to be having sex. Body parts will also do it. I have a foot fetish so feet can turn me on. Interestingly enough I don't care for much of the foot fetish porn because it shows to much of the person. Where as there are foot photos on deviant art that do it for me because they don't show the person or at least don't show their head.

Are there any other asexuals on here who have an interest in sex with people? I am also curious about people's thoughts in general on this topic.

I like cake but sex is good too ^_^

[Bad_Mr_Tree]

Wow!

Thank you so much for sharing.

I've slowly started to view sex as an activity like any other - riding a bike, swimming at the beach. The environment, your mood and the people around me help to determine how enjoyable it is for me. I'm starting to think that if my own libido needs are satisfied solo, I could have sex every other day with a sexual or asexual.

I don't get angry, irritated or really care that I can't have sex with someone else within any time period - but I do care and get irritable if I'm unable to meet my own needs solo after a few days. I've gone in the past gone more than six months without partnered sex and not even noticed.

Just as it is sometimes for cycling or hiking with me, if I feel I can't go out for long periods of time to do them I get angry and depressed. Whether or not it is partnered doesn't seem to matter.

Sometimes I have a day dream that if I was in a relationship with an asexual partner, I'd probably have more sex for the sheer physical activity than I would with a sexual partner with the loaded meaning they sometimes seek and bring to such encounters.

Good luck with finding a cycling partner :)))

[purplemutant]

Yea I look at sex as just an enjoyable activity. You can use video games as an analogy. You can play games by your self or with others. Both are fun in their own ways. Working the joystick by your self can be fun; but sometimes it's fun if you hand the control to someone else and let them work your joystick! ;)

Sometimes when I masturbate I fantasize about having sex with asexuals. All the fun and none of the BS :D It's too bad that there aren't any asexual sex clubs. Or at least ace friendly sex clubs.

There is a phrase I came up with which fits nicely. "You don't have to turn me on to get me off" ;)

[Guest]

I don't necessarily agree with the category in which you've placed the behavior of indiscriminate sex. That's just being slutty, which is still firmly within the territory of sexuals. You're a misanthropic sexual, but sexual nonetheless. IMO.

Asexual sex parties are exactly the same as sexual sex parties. It's just casual sex. ?

[Guest]

I have no desire for, or enjoyment of, partnered sex personally. I can masturbate, I just have no enjoyment of it with a partner. AVEN defines sexual attraction *as* the desire for partnered sex, but I understand that lots of people disagree with that definition (mainly due to confusion I think). I just know that if I *had* been able to enjoy and *want* sex, I never would have needed to find a label like asexual... because I just would have been a regular bisexual who enjoyed and desired partnered sex... lol. Being asexual, I was pretty much totally incapable of having a 'regular' relationship with a sexual, because I could not meet their needs fully (not their fault or my fault, just the way it is sometimes). As an asexual, I have no desire for sexual relationships with other people.

[purplemutant]

I don't necessarily agree with the category you've placed the behavior of indiscriminate sex. That's just being slutty, which is still firmly within the territory of sexuals. You're a misanthropic sexual, but sexual nonetheless. IMO.

Asexual sex parties are exactly the same as sexual sex parties. It's just casual sex. ?

An asexual is someone who isn't sexually attracted to people. I am not sexually attracted to people. So therefor I am an asexual. I don't need to be sexually attracted to someone to have sex with them. Both of the people I have had sex with I wasn't attracted too. But they still managed to give me an orgasm. In fact those were the best orgasms I have ever had.

I am not necessarily talking about indiscriminate sex. It's just sex without sexual attraction. If someone masturbates with a dildo they don't need to be attracted to their dildo. I may not be as picky about sex parters as some people. But I wont have sex with anything that moves.

[purplemutant]

I have no desire for, or enjoyment of, partnered sex personally. I can masturbate, I just have no enjoyment of it with a partner. AVEN defines sexual attraction *as* the desire for partnered sex, but I understand that lots of people disagree with that definition. I just know that if I *had* been able to enjoy and *want* sex, I never would have needed to find a label like asexual... because I just would have been a regular bisexual who enjoyed and desired partnered sex... lol. Being asexual, I was pretty much totally incapable of having a 'regular' relationship with a sexual, because I could not meet their needs fully (not their fault or my fault, just the way it is sometimes)

My desire is sex with something that resembles a person but isn't. Since holodecks and terminator style cyborgs don't exist; real people are the next best option. After that the best option would be a sex doll like a Real Doll. This may seem dehumanizing; but in a sexual context the person would more or less be just a sex toy. But they would be an interactive sex toy as opposed to a passive sex toy like a sex doll.

[ithaca]

There is also a misconception that Asexuals aren't interested in sexual activities involving other people.

Not a misconception. Unless you're using the term "asexual" broadly and including demisexual and grays, who may sometimes be interested in sex with another person.

Two reasons I have seen given for why an asexual would have sex is A) to please a partner; or B) to reproduce. Well, how about C)? orgasms are enjoyable and sometimes it's nice if someone else is involved!

While there are asexual people who can feel pleasure and enjoy sex, that is something that makes it easier to compromise, but it's still different from sexual people. It's not something that drives asexuals to have sex. Just like some of them love chocolate cake, but they don't have a drive to go looking for and buying chocolate cake. They may like it if it happens to eat it, but it's still different.

I can enjoy sex, I know that, but I don't go looking for a sexual partner, because I'm not attracted to people that way. If in the future I'll have a relationship with a sexual person, compromise may be easier, hopefully, but it's not something I'm looking for.

[Guest]

I have no desire for, or enjoyment of, partnered sex personally. I can masturbate, I just have no enjoyment of it with a partner. AVEN defines sexual attraction *as* the desire for partnered sex, but I understand that lots of people disagree with that definition. I just know that if I *had* been able to enjoy and *want* sex, I never would have needed to find a label like asexual... because I just would have been a regular bisexual who enjoyed and desired partnered sex... lol. Being asexual, I was pretty much totally incapable of having a 'regular' relationship with a sexual, because I could not meet their needs fully (not their fault or my fault, just the way it is sometimes)

My desire is sex with something that resembles a person but isn't. Since holodecks and terminator style cyborgs don't exist; real people are the next best option. After that the best option would be a sex doll like a Real Doll. This may seem dehumanizing; but in a sexual context the person would more or less be just a sex toy. But they would be an interactive sex toy as opposed to a passive sex toy like a sex doll.

So... everyone on Craigslist casual encounters is asexual?

[Excandesco]

"An asexual is someone who isn't sexually attracted to people. I am not sexually attracted to people. So therefor I am an asexual."

I'm just curious. How do you define sexual attraction?

[purplemutant]

There is also a misconception that Asexuals aren't interested in sexual activities involving other people.

Not a misconception. Unless you're using the term "asexual" broadly and including demisexual and grays, who may sometimes be interested in sex with another person.

Two reasons I have seen given for why an asexual would have sex is A) to please a partner; or B) to reproduce. Well, how about C)? orgasms are enjoyable and sometimes it's nice if someone else is involved!

While there are asexual people who can feel pleasure and enjoy sex, that is something that makes it easier to compromise, but it's still different from sexual people. It's not something that drives asexuals to have sex. Just like some of them love chocolate cake, but they don't have a drive to go looking for and buying chocolate cake. They may like it if it happens to eat it, but it's still different.

I can enjoy sex, I know that, but I don't go looking for a sexual partner, because I'm not attracted to people that way. If in the future I'll have a relationship with a sexual person, compromise may be easier, hopefully, but it's not something I'm looking for.

I don't go out of my way to look for sexual partners. There are sexual activities I would like to engage in that happen to involve other people. If I could do those things without other people being involved, that would be preferable. People don't arouse me, body parts and sex acts do. When I see people I don't think "wow that person is hot, I would like to have sex with them". I just think "I would like to do X sexual activity and I would need another person to do that".

[ithaca]

There is also a misconception that Asexuals aren't interested in sexual activities involving other people.

Not a misconception. Unless you're using the term "asexual" broadly and including demisexual and grays, who may sometimes be interested in sex with another person.

Two reasons I have seen given for why an asexual would have sex is A) to please a partner; or B) to reproduce. Well, how about C)? orgasms are enjoyable and sometimes it's nice if someone else is involved!

While there are asexual people who can feel pleasure and enjoy sex, that is something that makes it easier to compromise, but it's still different from sexual people. It's not something that drives asexuals to have sex. Just like some of them love chocolate cake, but they don't have a drive to go looking for and buying chocolate cake. They may like it if it happens to eat it, but it's still different.

I can enjoy sex, I know that, but I don't go looking for a sexual partner, because I'm not attracted to people that way. If in the future I'll have a relationship with a sexual person, compromise may be easier, hopefully, but it's not something I'm looking for.

I don't go out of my way to look for sexual partners. There are sexual activities I would like to engage in that happen to involve other people. If I could do those things without other people being involved, that would be preferable. People don't arouse me, body parts and sex acts do. When I see people I don't think "wow that person is hot, I would like to have sex with them". I just think "I would like to do X sexual activity and I would need another person to do that".

Yeah, I got that. What I'm saying is that that is not something I would think of, as an asexual. And pretty much all other asexual people I know wouldn't think that. Some grays might, I guess. Lots of sexuals do. I mean, I know lots of guys and lesbians who may say a girl isn't sexually attractive to them, but she got great boobs/ass/name it. And they may still have sex with her if they are interested in having sex.

As an asexual, I'm not aroused by body parts or by thoughts of sex. I can get aroused if stimulated, that's a body reaction, but I wouldn't "like to do X sexual activity" with another person.

[purplemutant]

"An asexual is someone who isn't sexually attracted to people. I am not sexually attracted to people. So therefor I am an asexual."

I'm just curious. How do you define sexual attraction?

An attraction to a PERSON in a sexual manner. Basically thinking things like "wow that person is hot, I would like to have sex with them". People don't turn me on in that way.

[purplemutant]

There is also a misconception that Asexuals aren't interested in sexual activities involving other people.

Not a misconception. Unless you're using the term "asexual" broadly and including demisexual and grays, who may sometimes be interested in sex with another person.

Two reasons I have seen given for why an asexual would have sex is A) to please a partner; or B) to reproduce. Well, how about C)? orgasms are enjoyable and sometimes it's nice if someone else is involved!

While there are asexual people who can feel pleasure and enjoy sex, that is something that makes it easier to compromise, but it's still different from sexual people. It's not something that drives asexuals to have sex. Just like some of them love chocolate cake, but they don't have a drive to go looking for and buying chocolate cake. They may like it if it happens to eat it, but it's still different.

I can enjoy sex, I know that, but I don't go looking for a sexual partner, because I'm not attracted to people that way. If in the future I'll have a relationship with a sexual person, compromise may be easier, hopefully, but it's not something I'm looking for.

I don't go out of my way to look for sexual partners. There are sexual activities I would like to engage in that happen to involve other people. If I could do those things without other people being involved, that would be preferable. People don't arouse me, body parts and sex acts do. When I see people I don't think "wow that person is hot, I would like to have sex with them". I just think "I would like to do X sexual activity and I would need another person to do that".

Yeah, I got that. What I'm saying is that that is not something I would think of, as an asexual. And pretty much all other asexual people I know wouldn't think that. Some grays might, I guess. Lots of sexuals do. I mean, I know lots of guys and lesbians who may say a girl isn't sexually attractive to them, but she got great boobs/ass/name it. And they may still have sex with her if they are interested in having sex.

As an asexual, I'm not aroused by body parts or by thoughts of sex. I can get aroused if stimulated, that's a body reaction, but I wouldn't "like to do X sexual activity" with another person.

If a gay guy might be interested in sex with a woman; but if he isn't attracted to women, he's still gay. An analogy would be straight men who have a thing for trassexual women with a penis. They may like cock, but not be attracted to men. If they like the ladies, regardless of what parts they have; they are straight.

[romantic-woman]

i think that there is a big confusion about what is sexual attraction, i bet if sexuals come here and read this thread they would also define themselves as asexuals. It is different to have a desire or to want to satisfy a partner but doesn't need sex at all with a person and different to go and find people or asking from a partner or even from another ace (as someone wrote) to have sex with you. For me is when you need to do sex with your partner and you can't go without it. This is the attraction but a sexual can say better what it is exactly.

[purplemutant]

i think that there is a big confusion about what is sexual attraction, i bet if sexuals come here and read this thread they would also define themselves as asexuals. It is different to have a desire or to want to satisfy a partner but doesn't need sex at all with a person and different to go and find people or asking from a partner or even from another ace (as someone wrote) to have sex with you. For me is when you need to do sex with your partner and you can't go without it. This is the attraction but a sexual can say better what it is exactly.

I don't need to have sex with other people. There just happen to be sexual activities I would like to try that involve other people. Like I said, if I could do those things without other people; that would be preferable. To me sex is just another enjoyable activity.

[ithaca]

If a gay guy might be interested in sex with a woman; but if he isn't attracted to women, he's still gay.

I have never met one gay man who wanted to have sex with a lady. Have you? I've met lots who thought they HAD TO have sex with girls when they were teens and in the closet/confused. Much like lots of asexual people.

An analogy would be straight men who have a thing for trassexual women with a penis. They may like cock, but not be attracted to men.

You're getting into dangerous territory here. Where we'd end up talking of "chasers", objectification, and denial and lots of other not nice things. Trust me, it's best not to go there.

If they like the ladies, regardless of what parts they have; they are straight.

True but different from what you were trying to say in the sentence before this one. Someone who falls for a transwoman doesn't fall for her "because he likes cock".

[passionatefriend61]

Yeah, I know AVEN refers only to sexual attraction in their definition of "asexual" and not desire/need for partnered sex, but I think if you actively want and/or need partnered sex without the attraction, you're gray-asexual. And look, this post is in the gray subforum.

I totally get how you could want to have sex, without feeling sexual attraction, but I don't think anyone can want/need partnered sex and be 100% asexual. I also don't think you're an allosexual unless you experience sexual attraction in addition to a desire/need for partnered sex.

So gray-asexual it is.

[purplemutant]

I figured this would be a controversial topic. I am not too surprised by some of the responses I have gotten. Admittedly some of the responses do feel alienating. I don't really fit in with sexuals because people don't turn me on the way they do for most people. But it seems that I don't really fit in with most asexuals either.

[purplemutant]

If a gay guy might be interested in sex with a woman; but if he isn't attracted to women, he's still gay.

I have never met one gay man who wanted to have sex with a lady. Have you? I've met lots who thought they HAD TO have sex with girls when they were teens and in the closet/confused. Much like lots of asexual people.

An analogy would be straight men who have a thing for trassexual women with a penis. They may like cock, but not be attracted to men.

You're getting into dangerous territory here. Where we'd end up talking of "chasers", objectification, and denial and lots of other not nice things. Trust me, it's best not to go there.

If they like the ladies, regardless of what parts they have; they are straight.

True but different from what you were trying to say in the sentence before this one. Someone who falls for a transwoman doesn't fall for her "because he likes cock".

I am trans so I have personal perspective on this issue. I do think it's possible for a man to like cock without being gay.

[Alan Degas]

So... everyone on Craigslist casual encounters is asexual?

But Craigslist folks usually do have preferences, right? Like, at the very least, the same dude will limit his posting to m4w and if he's the type who's extra picky he might add a "no fatties" just below his charming dick pic. So that would make them have sexual preferences right? And therefor sexuals who experience sexual attraction, as oppose to OP who is just looking for a person, any person, to do the sex with. I'm assuming here that gender and appearance is completely irrelevant to you OP. Please correct me if I am wrong.

[purplemutant]

Yeah, I know AVEN refers only to sexual attraction in their definition of "asexual" and not desire/need for partnered sex, but I think if you actively want and/or need partnered sex without the attraction, you're gray-asexual. And look, this post is in the gray subforum.

I totally get how you could want to have sex, without feeling sexual attraction, but I don't think anyone can want/need partnered sex and be 100% asexual. I also don't think you're an allosexual unless you experience sexual attraction in addition to a desire/need for partnered sex.

So gray-asexual it is.

Perhaps grey might be a better label. I don't know.

[passionatefriend61]

Plenty of gray-a's want, have, and enjoy sex, even it's rare or sporadic for many of them. You fit in with them. Do you fit in with asexuals who never want to have partnered sex and can happily die virgins? No, but so what?

[WhenSummersGone]

For me it's a lack of sexual attraction to all genders that makes me not interested in sex, plus I don't enjoy it as a fun activity. However maybe you are Cupiosexual? I think that's a term for those who enjoy sex without sexual attraction.

[purplemutant]

So... everyone on Craigslist casual encounters is asexual?

But Craigslist folks usually do have preferences, right? Like, at the very least, the same dude will limit his posting to m4w and if he's the type who's extra picky he might add a "no fatties" just below his charming dick pic. So that would make them have sexual preferences right? And therefor sexuals who experience sexual attraction, as oppose to OP who is just looking for a person, any person, to do the sex with. I'm assuming here that gender and appearance is completely irrelevant to you OP. Please correct me if I am wrong.

What's most important if if they have the right equipment. There might be other physical characteristics I look for (or don't). But since I am not sexually attracted to people, the person doesn't need to be "attractive". They just need not be repulsive. And they they need to not have any diseases. But that would fall under the category of repulsive. Herpes is most defiantly not a turn on. :lol:

[Excandesco]

I figured this would be a controversial topic. I am not too surprised by some of the responses I have gotten. Admittedly some of the responses do feel alienating. I don't really fit in with sexuals because people don't turn me on the way they do for most people. But it seems that I don't really fit in with most asexuals either.

First off thanks for clearing up how you are defining it.

I kinda get where you are coming from purplemutant. (I was once very sexual) I think there is a distinction too between sexual attraction and desire for sexual activities involving someone.

I also agree, or used to agree anyway, that sexual experiences with someone are far better than anything solo...

As someone pointed out, there seems to be two parts of what it is to be asexual. Sexual attraction and sexual desire. So you have sexual desire but not a specific sexual attraction to someone?

However, there is also sexual desire. Which is what you seem to describe. The desire for sexual activity, but you don't actually experience sexual attraction.

Back on point. What you said in your original post makes perfect sense to me.

[purplemutant]

For me it's a lack of sexual attraction to all genders that makes me not interested in sex, plus I don't enjoy it as a fun activity. However maybe you are Cupiosexual? I think that's a term for those who enjoy sex without sexual attraction.

I wasn't aware of that term. That seems to fit the bill. The problem is that people are confused enough by the term asexual. Adding more terms just further confuses things.

How much of a factor is the level of desire for sex with other people? It's something I could do without. But I would like to do it if given the opportunity.

I figured this would be a controversial topic. I am not too surprised by some of the responses I have gotten. Admittedly some of the responses do feel alienating. I don't really fit in with sexuals because people don't turn me on the way they do for most people. But it seems that I don't really fit in with most asexuals either.

However, there is also sexual desire. Which is what you seem to describe. The desire for sexual activity, but you don't actually experience sexual attraction.

Exactly! I figured the asexual label was appropriate since it has to do with a lack of sexual attraction. But other labels might more appropriate. It's one thing to understand your self; it's another to be able to effectively explain it to other people. Which is why people create labels. Thanks to AVEN I am better able to understand my self. But there is still the sticky issue of what label is most appropriate. Perhaps I shouldn't bother with a label.

[Alan Degas]

What's most important if if they have the right equipment. There might be other physical characteristics I look for (or don't). But since I am not sexually attracted to people, the person doesn't need to be "attractive". They just need not be repulsive. And they they need to not have any diseases. But that would fall under the category of repulsive. Herpes is most defiantly not a turn on. :lol:

Makes sense to me. And totally makes you asexual in my book.

[eched]

When my sex drive spikes I do want to have sex, but this lasts for a very short time. It's never lasted long enough for me to actually find someone to sleep with, and when my sex drive isn't on fire I have no interest. The sex drive spikes also only happen at most like once every 4 or 5 months. Since I'm next to aromantic, I tend to never date, so when my sex drive does spike it's not like I can get sex, and by the time it's over I feel silly for thinking I wanted sex.

Also, I don't think I would be up to the actual sex if given the chance. It would likely be to odd for me.

So I kind of get what you are saying, but I'm not on that level.

Edit: I would like to point out that AVEN here is not supposed to label people. If the OP says they are asexual, then they are asexual. It's not our job to label and frankly it's wrong to do so. What's next? Are we going to go call the asexual kinks not ace cause they like kink? Sexual activity does not equal sexual attraction. We don't need to get into some orientation war, we're better then that.

[Bad_Mr_Tree]

What's most important if if they have the right equipment. There might be other physical characteristics I look for (or don't). But since I am not sexually attracted to people, the person doesn't need to be "attractive". They just need not be repulsive. And they they need to not have any diseases. But that would fall under the category of repulsive. Herpes is most defiantly not a turn on. :lol:

Makes sense to me. And totally makes you asexual in my book.

You original post made sense to me.

I can find someone aesthetically appealing, think they look beautiful, but when it comes to wanting to have sex with them be not interested in it at all. If my libido is strong, when I see someone aesthetically appealing I feel moved to incorporate them into my kinky fantasies which do have sex acts in them, but my kink fantasies are unrealizable in the existing universe (as purplemutant says, without holodecks). But these kink fantasies exist in my mind only as a way of addressing my libido or if I'm exceedingly bored, trying to get to sleep, etc. I use them because orgasming seems to help with these issues and is convenient and orgasming in this fashion has been the fastest way I've found to do so.

When I actually have sex with my partner, I can go on, and on, and on, until the point where I incorporate whatever I'm doing into some sort of kink because i've grown tired/exhausted/don't feel the desire to bike anymore kilometers because I want to sit on a bench and enjoy the sunset. I could easily walk away without orgasm, in which case I wouldn't need to turn the situation into "kink" in my mind for me to do so. But my partner feels that by orgasming I am showing her that I am enjoying it more, so I wrap up my part of the play by doing so.

If both partners feel that sex is purely utilitarian, has no other meaning other than it results in stress relief, helps them go to sleep, burn calories, is accessible and is a relief from complete boredom, I don't see anything wrong with it nor would I say that this makes them "sexuals".

In understanding this aspect of my asexuality, I consider myself asexual because I don't need sex, I just don't. In addition to that, I don't get anything else from it other than the utilitarian aspects above. But if someone could share those aspects with me, that would be fine to, just another option to mutual cake eating / cycling / watching films, etc...

for me a sexual is a person for which partnered sex has no ready, completely satisfying substitutions available to satisfy a need. They always feel something is missing because it is.

I can bike together, hike, cook, do dozens of things which would bring just as much joy (and many times more) than partnered intercourse.