Had some time to reflect this weekend...

[Glad-I-Found-This-Site]

As you can see from my screen name, I'm glad I have found this site. As a sexual married to an ace, my mind has been all over the place as I've tried to understand my wife and come to terms with how we can make things work.

Over the past few months, I have found some comfort reading people's stories here. I'll admit that coming to terms with this situation being permanent (I always thought maybe she would warm up to sex) has been hard.

This issue became more prominent for both of us this weekend. She was invited to a sex toy party whereby each woman had to buy and bring a wrapped toy, and then they each chose one at random. They also had the opportunity to "steal" toys that others had chosen.

I'll admit that I went into this night thinking that maybe she would find SOMETHING that interested her. I'll also admit that, when other friends were telling us that they were bringing vibrators (something she has expressed no interest in using), I was thinking/hoping maybe we (or even just she, alone) would end up playing. My historical "maybe this lack of sexual desire will pass" belief suddenly came back.

Throughout the day, our Facebook was blowing up with chatter about the night. Our female friends, who think we are way more sexual active than we are due to my frequent silly sex jokes, were sending me messages, which only heightened my expectations.

Then came the message from a friend at the party who notified me that my wife picked what she called a "lame" item. Actually, my wife traded for it, which made my friend question her sanity even more. This friend must have spoken to her, as she Facebook messaged me that she was going to try to convince my wife to buy a vibrator. I said, "Nah, don't push it. She isn't interested. Don't worry about it." The well-intentioned friend then told me about how much she loves them and that, if my wife just tried it, she would love it.

At this point, although I knew she was just trying to help out and spice up the night, something in me changed. Suddenly, I could see my wife's perspective way better than I could previously. The "I like it, so she will like it" angle my friend was taking ushered in a revelation, and this was it: Why do we accept that people like or dislike (or fall somewhere in between) anything else in life (food, exercise, traveling, public speaking, pets, etc), but enjoyment of sex is supposed to be a given?

I had a lot of time (She didn't get home till 1am),so I started thinking about how this applied to me. I started thinking about things that others LOVE that I either hate or am not too keen on:

1. Yoga (not relaxing at all for me)

2. Thrill rides (I'll go on them, but wouldn't do it if I wasn't doing it for someone else.)

3. Wine (I don't hate it, but would never buy a bottle on my own.)

4. Coffee (can't stand it)

5. Religion (I'm not against it. I just haven't found my place in it. I used to be an "insider," and now that I'm an "outsider," the inside seems foreign to me.)

Since sex to me is right up there with eating, breathing and sleeping, it is hard for me to see the world from the perspective of someone who doesn't value it that way. Likewise, it is hard for my parents to understand how I can make it through the week without praying, reading the Bible, or going to church. The thought doesn't really cross my mind. I love my parents, and if they ask me to go to church on occasion, I'll go, but I won't get what they want me to get out of the experience, and there is little chance that I'll leave saying, "Let's do this again next week!"

It's funny how it took someone else trying to change my wife before I could truly take the next step in understanding her. By defending her, I was forced to look at things from her perspective.

[Tarfeather]

Absolutely. But to continue this discussion maybe on a non-sexual level, I often find myself in a situation where I would like to put pressure on my partner. Get her to go outside a bit more, that kind of stuff. I often worry about just how much it's okay for me to pressure her; On the one hand, I am interested in her health and everything. On the other hand, I don't want her to start thinking of me as an annoyance. It's sometimes a bit of a tightrope to walk. It sucks, but I don't really think you can get around being the same kind of annoyance as those church going parents were, if you want to be a good partner.

[Guest]

I often find myself in a situation where I would like to put pressure on my partner. Get her to go outside a bit more, that kind of stuff. I often worry about just how much it's okay for me to pressure her; On the one hand, I am interested in her health and everything. On the other hand, I don't want her to start thinking of me as an annoyance. It's sometimes a bit of a tightrope to walk. It sucks, but I don't really think you can get around being the same kind of annoyance as those church going parents were, if you want to be a good partner.

Reminds me of when my partner and I quit smoking. Sometimes pressure is necessary if you actually want to help someone and not just appease them. Of course that applies largely to non-sexual situations only.

EDIT: changed "non-verbal" to "non-sexual"... sorry guys, new phone means new autocorrect which means half of what I say i didn't actually say :)

[Guest]

I'm glad you seem to understand her a little better. Yes, it is odd how EVERYTHING else it's OK to not have an interest in, but sex? NO! EVERYONE MUST LIKE IT! JUST DO SOME STUFF AND YOU WILL! ... I hate when people do that to me (I ended up giving in and doing stuff I was not comfortable with and hated it), so I am glad your wife had someone to stand up to her with those friends. :)