Could my patner be asexual? and support

[PolyPartner]

I'm looking to put enough words on our situation so I can process it.

I'm dating a woman who has told me- and I believe, because evidence supports it, that she deeply loves me and is attracted to me. We have a strong romantic relationship. But we have had sex once individually in 11 months , though have participated in threesomes with a joint partner with some regularity. (We are poly, and date as part of a triad).

I don't know how to handle the lack of individual sex. Her description is a low drive for me (she sees me and has bursts of attraction, but not with great frequency) and a moderate one for our boyfriend, which is lowered from usual because of major life stress, grieving, and medication. So honestly, we cannot say "this is the way it is" with she and I, because we met during that time of lowered drive, and had our one episode of individual sex at the peak of medication's effect.

I have a high drive. Thankfully, I also have an outside partner (a boyfriend not in the triad) who matches or possibly exceeds my drive, so I do feel I have an outlet in terms of sheer needs being met.

We both are absolutely clear that we don't want to do anything she doesn't want to enthusiastically do. We recognize her drive and mine mismatch. But I'm mystified really on how to handle our relationship.

When I'm this romantic with someone, I'm also physically attracted to them. And cannot figure out what to do when I'm this attracted, be this attracted, we want to build a relationship, and it doesn't often turn sexual.

Seems I have two options- act or don't act. I can touch her, without causing her discomfort, but without bringing a response out in her, either, more than 2 times out of 10, which leads me to not want to. (I don't want something just for me.)

If I don't act, she will kiss me goodbye, and touch me, but it's most often cuddling, not sexual, if that makes sense, though it can occasional drift into sexual with both of us and be enjoyed.

I can go on a date, completely enjoy it while it's happening for the closeness and enjoyment of it, walk away, and be in a big ball of tears because ii love this woman, and it feels like it will never have the physical dynamic I want and probably need. We'll kiss and hug at the end and it will feel good, but not sexual.

Or, I can go ahead and own, "I feel sexual and I want to express that" and do so, and this is acceptable to her, but so frequently get met with non- responsiveness that it tends to extinguish repeated behavior.

And I'm starting to think I need thing crossing that line into sexual to meet a need, even if it's not sex. And even with other partners, if I'm to date HER , I need a self-contained relationship with her that works in it's own right.

More details: The one time we had sex, we enjoyed it. We wanted to do it again. But first, it's been a stressful time for her, and second, it seems initiation has to be different. With my more sexual partners, we kiss, or even text, or look at eachother flirtily, and there is a clear desire response that means we know where this is going. With this partner, initiation is not a desire ramping up continuum, and I'm not quite comfortable with initiating without that. Though it sounds like sometimes it would work, I have no faith in it.

I think the reason threesomes work is our boyfriend knows how to get around this,, to get thins going, but he has not been able to explain it to me. She has said she needs words, but I'm really shy about asking without a desire response present.

Tips, encouragement, resources? I know this is long, and I apologize, but I can't label what's going on enough to make it more concise.

[MoraDollie]

It honestly sounds like she's more comfortable with the idea of sex with your two boyfriend, than you, yourself. It is a known fact that medications can cause issues with sex drive. Have you tried getting a different prescription, if this is causing a big issue between you two? There might be an alternative medication that she can be on.

[Ficulnean]

Well . . . my suggestion would be to ask her what type of words she wants. And accept that it will take time, and that them not leading to sex is not a rejection. Id say you have the best handle on these dynamics right now than anyone here will get, because to be honest this situation is complicated. I wouldnt say that she is asexual without knowing more about her, and this is what from you describe here. As you seem to full well know and accept, people are different around different people. I think that thats all it is.

[Star Bit]

Well, if you think a label would help you/her, she could be Gray-Asexual; an umbrella term, one of which is sexual attraction under certain circumstances (in this case, verbal circumstances). Or she could still be asexual but be more confertable under these verbal circumstances.