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whybobby

How to politely turn down a nice person wanting to hook up?

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whybobby

Hey all! I've been uncertain about starting a new topic over here, being a newbie and all (both here AND as an open asexual), but there is something happening and I'd like help from the more experienced: there is this nice guy who has helped me a few times with work, but I'm getting uncomfortable with the way he's been treating me. He won't stop sending messages with poor excuses to compliment the most unnecessary things, and he's told more than once that he's looking forward to meet me so we could get to know each other "a little better", and I don't know how to ask him to stop and that I'm not interested. People are always telling me I'm too cold towards nice people and I don't want them to think I'm an iceberg - I just don't want to know anyone "a little better". I wish I didn't have to lie and say that I'm in a relationshio or anything like that (I wish I didn't have to lie ever again in my life :( ). What do you guys do in these situations?

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I'd rather be in band.

The fact that you're even thinking of a nice way to tell the guy shows that you're not really the most brutal person on the entire earth. There are some people I've seen that can be downright rude, even daring to ridicule the person that approaches them.

First, let me ask: What exactly does this person do that makes you uncomfortable? Are there certain gestures in particular that make you cringe, or is it just the intent behind them?

I'm not entirely sure of how you should approach this, - I'm not super educated on this man's psyche or how sensitive he is in the first place - but you could always just try to define your relationship with him. You could approach him casually and slowly incorporate it into the conversation, or you could tell him when he does something that makes you uncomfortable. If someone's behaviors are crossing the line and making you feel uncomfortable, you have every right to simply reestablish relationship barriers as long as you aren't extremely harsh about it. Just say that you appreciate all of the gestures and that they're flattering, but you just aren't interested in that sort of relationship. Just don't insult him. You don't want to be rude!

However, that doesn't appear to be your intention whatsoever. Good luck! I hope that this helped!

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whybobby

I think it's the intent behind the gestures. We haven't met in person yet, but he's being very annoying about arranging a date. We've talked professionally a few times, and all the other messages he's sent me are to talk about my pictures on Facebook and how he'd love to "see this beauty in person". I don't want to be rude nor to unfriend him because there's absolutely no reason for that - it's just that I don't know how to handle this kind of approach without freaking out and end up being a little too cold. I say I appreciate his compliments but don't go any further into conversation; however, he never seems to get the hint. That's why I think it's time to tell him that "thanks, but no".

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Zash

Would you be interested in a romantic relationship with him? A "I'm not really into guys." may work. Though, that might get you branded as a lesbian, which has it's own problems (not that there is anything wrong with being lesbian, just can be just as awkward as an ace). Also, using the word "friend" a lot when you refer to him may get the point across too. "You are a good friend," and such.

I found a fake romantic partner worked for me, but, that is difficult to pull off without a good group of accomplices and being good liar. Not really a great set of skills to cultivate. Not my proudest tactic, but, it is effective if you can pull it off. It does, however, have potential for spectacular fallout if things go wrong. It is not recommended.

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Ricki

"Hey, I really like spending time with you, but I'm not comfortable with going any further than a friendship. Our friendship means a lot to me but I am not in a position where I would want anything more than that" Or words to that effect, with your own added reasoning or excuses. The general key is to not show them any hope that you will change your mind in the future, whilst not being so blunt that they will think it's something they've done wrong. hoped that helped in someway, I didn't want to be too specific because it's often situational. Hope it works out well :)

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Anime Pancake

Hi!

Well it depends. Are you open to being friends with him, or do you not want to talk with him at all?

If you are okay with being friends, you can just subtly let him know that you're not interested in dating or a relationship.

If you don't want to talk with him at all, you can just ignore him and hopefully he will eventually understand that you're not interested lol

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Steph Ace

Man, I was hoping for an obvious answer to this predicament.

I've had someone recently outright ask me to *ahem* "Go to the washroom" with them, in a not so subtle attempt for a one night stand. That story ended with me saying awkwardly "Ah-ha-ha Nooo thank you" then moving to another space on the couch. I've turned down people by explaining Asexuality to them (Thankfully half of them are LGBT+ that ask me and already have an understanding of it) but it is never easy.

Basically I tell people straightforward. "You may like me and I`m cool with that. We can be the best of friends however we are most likely never going beyond that".

That often leads to:
58669-so-youre-telling-me-theres-a-c-Sm9

My advice is just tell them; We can be the best of friends, but we will not be going any further than that.

Your choices are yours alone and you do what you wish. No one has any right to tell differently. You don`t owe anyone anything. So go alone and pursue what you wish!

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whitesphere

The problem is online text-only messages leave a great deal of communication out of the picture. In person, if someone is uncomfortable, a lot of body language makes that perfectly clear. And even on the phone, our voice tone and timing make our emotions clear.

I assume you want to continue talking with him as a friend and/or business associate.

If that's true, I would say something clear like "I appreciate your interest, and enjoy talking to you, but I have absolutely no desire for anything other than a working (or friendship only) relationship with you. Do you understand?"

If he says yes, but persists in wanting to meet you and otherwise does not back off to a friendship/business relationship, and still sends the cues that he really wants to date you, you need to be more blunt and say something like "If you want to date me, I do not want to meet you, ever. Is that clear?"

The problem is some guys "Love a Challenge" and the more you discourage them, the more persistent they get. I don't know how common THAT personality type of man is in Brazil, but if he is that type, you can't give him ANY wiggle room. Boundaries have to be hard and clear with a man like that. Even if he is very nice otherwise, men like that really don't respect women much, when push comes to shove.

So I would do your boundaries starting out soft, then increasing in hardness and bluntness, until he gets the message. And, if he still does not get the message when you've whacked him over the head with a clue by four and he wants to meet you, DO NOT MEET HIM.

If he seems to get the message, and you meet and he again crosses boundaries he SAID he would not cross, no matter HOW he phrases the reason, it is time to leave, immediately. Never tolerate disrespect, even if you have to appear "cold" to do it. He is an adult man, he should be able to treat a woman with respect.

And, I could be completely overreacting. He may be a perfectly nice man who isn't great at reading cues. If that's true, he'll respect your boundaries, and when you meet, will treat you with respect. If that's true, you've kept him as a friend and/or business associate and not appeared "cold."

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Bad_Mr_Tree

"Hey, I really like spending time with you, but I'm not comfortable with going any further than a friendship. Our friendship means a lot to me but I am not in a position where I would want anything more than that" Or words to that effect, with your own added reasoning or excuses. The general key is to not show them any hope that you will change your mind in the future, whilst not being so blunt that they will think it's something they've done wrong. hoped that helped in someway, I didn't want to be too specific because it's often situational. Hope it works out well :)

+1 on this...

I've met several women who thought I was trying to shack up with them when I was only trying to learn as much about them as I could. Such is the hazards of wanting to know people deeply and intensely...

If they were to say this and I felt they were interesting enough for me to out myself, I'd be more than happy to do so.

Now I don't take it personally because how else would one act if 90% of the time someone was talking to you just to get in your pants?

Of course this particular individual might still take offense, if he hasn't worked through the common feeling than men have that they are entitled to the time of women they compliment.

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whybobby

This guy in particular only started helping me with work because he liked my face (he specifically told me that). However, he does help me when I need it, that's why I was insecure about being rude to him. But - no, I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with him, at all.

Now I know to handle that - I'll just have to be honest and set a limit. And, if I have to ignore him in order to give him the MAJOR hint, I will. I do have a problem with that because it's just like k.tree said: how am I supposed to react when most people I know only talk to me to get into my pants when I'm not interested in anyone but me inside my pants :p ?

You all are the best, thanks a bunch!!

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Guest

Hey all! I've been uncertain about starting a new topic over here, being a newbie and all (both here AND as an open asexual), but there is something happening and I'd like help from the more experienced: there is this nice guy who has helped me a few times with work, but I'm getting uncomfortable with the way he's been treating me. He won't stop sending messages with poor excuses to compliment the most unnecessary things, and he's told more than once that he's looking forward to meet me so we could get to know each other "a little better", and I don't know how to ask him to stop and that I'm not interested. People are always telling me I'm too cold towards nice people and I don't want them to think I'm an iceberg - I just don't want to know anyone "a little better". I wish I didn't have to lie and say that I'm in a relationshio or anything like that (I wish I didn't have to lie ever again in my life :( ). What do you guys do in these situations?

He's most definitely crushing on you.

Like Zash, I've found that making up a fake partner works best. However, if you're going to be close to this guy or if you guys are going to be associated for any amount of time, that won't work.

Anyway, everyone's given good advice, but I would add that a lot of humility helps. A bumbling "so hahaha I'm terrible at reading people but it seems like maybe you are interested in me and want to meet, and I totally like talking to you but I feel like I should say that I'm not really on that page... I just want to be friendly. That cool? If I'm totally off base, sorry!"

Or something like that.

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whybobby
He's most definitely crushing on you.

Like Zash, I've found that making up a fake partner works best. However, if you're going to be close to this guy or if you guys are going to be associated for any amount of time, that won't work.

Anyway, everyone's given good advice, but I would add that a lot of humility helps. A bumbling "so hahaha I'm terrible at reading people but it seems like maybe you are interested in me and want to meet, and I totally like talking to you but I feel like I should say that I'm not really on that page... I just want to be friendly. That cool? If I'm totally off base, sorry!"

Or something like that.

The fake partner was the first thing I had in mind, and it's really a good idea... Until he figures that out, as you said. That's why I didn't want to have to lie. Guess I'll be humbly honest and hope for the best, haha!

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knout

The sad part is that usually being too nice in clearing things up just leads to the person thinking it's happening but you're just being shy.

That's why you have to be kinda firm in your telling them that it's just not going to happen. That saying that doesn't take anything away from how nice they are and how you enjoy their company, but that's the full extent of how far you want this thing to go... and if they are hoping for more and that it's their reason for keeping around, then they shouldn't. If they keep around because they think you're nice as a person, then they'll appreciate your honesty and will know what to expect (and most importantly, what not to expect)

Those would be my 2 cents, but I have no experience :)

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whybobby

The sad part is that usually being too nice in clearing things up just leads to the person thinking it's happening but you're just being shy.

That's why you have to be kinda firm in your telling them that it's just not going to happen. That saying that doesn't take anything away from how nice they are and how you enjoy their company, but that's the full extent of how far you want this thing to go... and if they are hoping for more and that it's their reason for keeping around, then they shouldn't. If they keep around because they think you're nice as a person, then they'll appreciate your honesty and will know what to expect (and most importantly, what not to expect)

Those would be my 2 cents, but I have no experience :)

That's it!

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xSkylar

Oh my gosh, this is exactly me right now. A guy keeps trying to flirt and meet up to the point that when he was in the area he tried to check in to my work place to see if I was there (thank god I was off that night)... Even though I specifically told him that I don't want to meet him for the first time while I'm working. What the hell? Do they not understand respecting people's privacy?

And even after I expressed that I was not too impressed by him doing that, he still continues to message saying that he will pop by and drop off lunch or coffee. T_T

I've had previous experiences like this before, and I think the only way around it is to be blunt and make yourself as clear as possible. Some get the hint, some don't. These are the ones that don't haha. So you need to make it really clear to them that you're not interested.

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Bad_Mr_Tree

Oh my gosh, this is exactly me right now. A guy keeps trying to flirt and meet up to the point that when he was in the area he tried to check in to my work place to see if I was there (thank god I was off that night)... Even though I specifically told him that I don't want to meet him for the first time while I'm working. What the hell? Do they not understand respecting people's privacy?

And even after I expressed that I was not too impressed by him doing that, he still continues to message saying that he will pop by and drop off lunch or coffee. T_T

I've had previous experiences like this before, and I think the only way around it is to be blunt and make yourself as clear as possible. Some get the hint, some don't. These are the ones that don't haha. So you need to make it really clear to them that you're not interested.

Yes, being blunt is very important, although sometimes it still won't work.

Thanks to the wonder of male misogyny and romantic trash like "Love in the Time of Cholera" where men and women are instructed that a man only loves a woman when he never gives up until he wins her over (or she gives in because she is near death).

How many times is this stupid freaking "lesson" pounded into the heads of young men and women alike? It makes me want to vomit.

Unlearning this lesson took me a lot more time than I would like to admit... I have to thank the women around me who tolerated my momentary lapses into douchebaggery or I might still be in that coma.

How many more years would it have taken me if I didn't know women who hadn't internalized this? I don't know... maybe never.

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Zash

Like Zash, I've found that making up a fake partner works best. However, if you're going to be close to this guy or if you guys are going to be associated for any amount of time, that won't work.

I went five years of high school without some of my friends who I saw on a daily basis figuring out the fake girlfriend was fake. To the point where someone who was in on the plot at the start honestly thought I had a girlfriend at the end. Having a lot of friends in drama helped. Only one person who wasn't in on it originally figured it out, and that was years later.

But, my case is the exception, and I had some really good accomplices that helped out a lot. Trying to do it by yourself is not going to work out.

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Kid-Kitty

I usually just completely ignore them. Don't do that though. I'm just mean.

I would recommend:

a) ignoring what other people say about your actions. Your choices are your own. You behaviors are your own, and as long as they don't hurt anyone, no one has the right to judge.

b) Asking this guy what his expectations are with you. Just outright. If he admits to any desire, that's when you shut him down with a, "Sorry, I don't do that. It's nothing personal."

That usually does the trick.

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zeromasturbation

Here is my prospective from a guy point of view:

It gives me false hope if a girl were being really nice to me. The nicer you act, the more cruel it becomes when you reject somebody. It could become a vicious cycle. However, that is not to say you should be mean.

Think about it. The objective of being " nice " is to make others feel good. However, when you turn somebody down, you would never make him/her feel good, no matter what approach you use.

Better to be firm and respectful. Carefully choose a location where he could save face by not getting rejected in front of everyone but not so secluded that you get attacked when he lash out on you. I know this is tough.

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totescrepe

Here is my prospective from a guy point of view:

It gives me false hope if a girl were being really nice to me. The nicer you act, the more cruel it becomes when you reject somebody. It could become a vicious cycle. However, that is not to say you should be mean.

Think about it. The objective of being " nice " is to make others feel good. However, when you turn somebody down, you would never make him/her feel good, no matter what approach you use.

Better to be firm and respectful. Carefully choose a location where he could save face by not getting rejected in front of everyone but not so secluded that you get attacked when he lash out on you. I know this is tough.

I find this somewhat troublesome. Are guys not capable of distinguishing that someone might be being nice simply because they are a nice person, and not because they are "interested" in them? Besides, in my experience, often times when a guy starts to be flirty or hints at an interest in a romantic relationship, it often occurs with very little prompting on my part. Even after being very straightforward with my intentions, sometimes I DID need to be strict in enforcing my boundaries when the guy in question refused to adjust his behavior according to my wishes.

Thats not to say that you shouldn't first approach this kind of situation as respectfully and as understanding as possible.

Also, why the assumption that a guy is automatically going to become violent when faced with rejection?

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King of the Jungle

"Also, why the assumption that a guy is automatically going to become violent when faced with rejection?"

Because often people are right-wing pieces of shit and they like to lie to validate their world view.

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oldgeeza

I can't speak from experience here because, apart from the fact that I'm a male, it will never happen to me, & I wouldn't dare approach a woman in such a manner, I would rather someone be honest with me, although it may seem offensive, go forth & multiply put into 2 words is much more offensive, I have a Facebook account, but if I don't know someone in person, as in, I've met them face to face, I won't accept them on Facebook, I also have my Facebook account set to private so that only those I want to know are aware I'm on Facebook.

I would just say, I'm happy to be friends on a professional level, but I don't like mixing with work colleagues outside of work, I'm not ready for a date with anyone right now, I need my own space, thank you for the complement, but I don't want to spoil things.

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xSkylar

Here is my prospective from a guy point of view:

It gives me false hope if a girl were being really nice to me. The nicer you act, the more cruel it becomes when you reject somebody. It could become a vicious cycle. However, that is not to say you should be mean.

Think about it. The objective of being " nice " is to make others feel good. However, when you turn somebody down, you would never make him/her feel good, no matter what approach you use.

Better to be firm and respectful. Carefully choose a location where he could save face by not getting rejected in front of everyone but not so secluded that you get attacked when he lash out on you. I know this is tough.

I find this somewhat troublesome. Are guys not capable of distinguishing that someone might be being nice simply because they are a nice person, and not because they are "interested" in them? Besides, in my experience, often times when a guy starts to be flirty or hints at an interest in a romantic relationship, it often occurs with very little prompting on my part. Even after being very straightforward with my intentions, sometimes I DID need to be strict in enforcing my boundaries when the guy in question refused to adjust his behavior according to my wishes.

Thats not to say that you shouldn't first approach this kind of situation as respectfully and as understanding as possible.

Also, why the assumption that a guy is automatically going to become violent when faced with rejection?

I also find this somewhat troublesome and I agree with totescrepe. I go out of my way to be nice to everyone, regardless of individual attributes. I will stay up till 3am in the morning to talk to you about your problems, even though I have work in the next 4 hours, but that's okay, because I love helping people out and I know talking to another person really helps take the weight off your shoulders. But that does not mean that I am prompting you, or being suggestive. It just means that I want to be a good friend. A lot of guy friends I know do not recognize this, and they see every small thing I do as a boost to their ego.

I'm not generalizing here, I'm just speaking from experiences. I have a very close guy friend now who I've been friends with for years and he is the only one out of all my other guy friends who did not try to make a move and screw up the friendship. It's kind of sad, because I really enjoyed the friendships before it got misinterpreted and twisted.

I don't know why it is, but maybe it's kind of just the whole thing about 'seeing what you want to see' and thus leading to misinterpretations and assumptions.

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dash

The problem is online text-only messages leave a great deal of communication out of the picture. In person, if someone is uncomfortable, a lot of body language makes that perfectly clear. And even on the phone, our voice tone and timing make our emotions clear.

I assume you want to continue talking with him as a friend and/or business associate.

If that's true, I would say something clear like "I appreciate your interest, and enjoy talking to you, but I have absolutely no desire for anything other than a working (or friendship only) relationship with you. Do you understand?"

If he says yes, but persists in wanting to meet you and otherwise does not back off to a friendship/business relationship, and still sends the cues that he really wants to date you, you need to be more blunt and say something like "If you want to date me, I do not want to meet you, ever. Is that clear?"

The problem is some guys "Love a Challenge" and the more you discourage them, the more persistent they get. I don't know how common THAT personality type of man is in Brazil, but if he is that type, you can't give him ANY wiggle room. Boundaries have to be hard and clear with a man like that. Even if he is very nice otherwise, men like that really don't respect women much, when push comes to shove.

So I would do your boundaries starting out soft, then increasing in hardness and bluntness, until he gets the message. And, if he still does not get the message when you've whacked him over the head with a clue by four and he wants to meet you, DO NOT MEET HIM.

If he seems to get the message, and you meet and he again crosses boundaries he SAID he would not cross, no matter HOW he phrases the reason, it is time to leave, immediately. Never tolerate disrespect, even if you have to appear "cold" to do it. He is an adult man, he should be able to treat a woman with respect.

And, I could be completely overreacting. He may be a perfectly nice man who isn't great at reading cues. If that's true, he'll respect your boundaries, and when you meet, will treat you with respect. If that's true, you've kept him as a friend and/or business associate and not appeared "cold."

This. Most such folks in my experience don't pull the "Love is a Challenge" stuff, and take the polite hints, but for those who don't, absolute clarity of boundaries is a must, and if he disrespects you, I agree, do not meet him in person.

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dash

I don't know why it is, but maybe it's kind of just the whole thing about 'seeing what you want to see' and thus leading to misinterpretations and assumptions.

Seeing what you want to see: The guy who decided we were soul mates because I gave him a friendly (not sexual) hug after a party, after I talked to him for about five minutes.

As I recall, he'd asked if he could hug me, and I said yes and gave him a quick friendly hug, and then left.

It rapidly went downhill from there. I tried to tell him I was asexual, and he decided that was a lie (asexuality "doesn't exist") and that my "real reason" for not dating him was because he went to an inferior college (???!!!), and he said was even MORE offended that I had "made up this lie" than if I had just "told him the truth." I finally decided to meet him in the presence of a mutual friend in order to explain to him (and have the friend back me up) that everything I was saying was true (and to please leave me alone). Except when I was en route, he called my house and asked my dad "are you her husband?" My dad called me on my cell, and I turned that car around.

Most people take the hint. Some won't.

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whitesphere

Speaking as a guy, if I were working with someone, I wouldn't even think of them in a "possible woman I might date" way because of the big mess that can cause with my work life. And, if it were a woman, say, who was working somewhere where I was a customer, I'd assume the niceness is merely her doing her job.

Now, I'm used to people in general being very nice to me, because I tend to be very nice to other people and they pick up on that.

If anything, I'm much more prone to the "bolting at the slightest sign of discomfort" extreme to avoid making women uncomfortable, because I know how awkward it can feel and I've heard plenty of stories from women about how terrified they were by men who stalked/harassed them.

I do agree that it is a very dangerous thing for men AND women to have the "If she resists, you MUST persist and then you will Win Her Love." In its most extreme, criminal form, it can result in how rapists justify their act to themselves. In less extreme forms, it results in the harassment and/or stalking behavior several other women here have mentioned. Also it can make women who've internalized this nonsense, implicitly assume a man who is NOT that, well, harassing is not really interested.

For the men it results in more severe embarrassment when the woman has to beat him over the head with a clue by four. And in the extreme cases, quite justified criminal charges and prison time.

And, such a mindset really undermines a genuine connection as equals, and if anything is toxic to real love, because it implicitly says a woman doesn't REALLY mean what she's saying. Real love requires clarity in communication --- both in what is said AND what is heard. If someone doesn't speak his/her truth, it denies emotional intimacy, but if the other does not HEAR and understand the spoken truth, it denies the reality of the other individual as a separate being.

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King of the Jungle

What do guys do? Go and meet him. Really go and do it. And tell him exactly what you think. Be brutally honest and if he doesn't get it tell him again but STRONGER. And he dares try and invade your personal space tell him that you will call the police. And if he persists call the police. I'm not joking. If he spends a night in a cell it is his problem, not yours.

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.Crow

You don't have to lie if you don't want to. Seriously. Just tell him "I'm not interested in getting to know you better, though I will be your friend if you'd like." and if he persists, tell him once more, then be done with him.

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marki

Just tell the guy you aren't interested. Simple as that. Men aren't that confusing, if you just let him know without any sugar coating that you aren't into him that way it should be all you need to say.

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