AcerGirlM Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 Okay so I know that am still young but I am not sure if I should ever come or just stay in the closet...also I am not sure how. especially with my parents Link to post Share on other sites
SkyWorld Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 Well I only came out to my mom, my grandfather, and a few of my friends. I'm not completely out, but I would like to be. Link to post Share on other sites
element83 Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 Coming out doesn't have to be one big event. It can be several smaller events, and it's probably going to be a process that lasts your whole life because you'll have to decide whether or not to come out to each new person you meet. Personally, there are people I made a point of coming out to (the first being my best friend at age 17). There are also people who I haven't had that discussion with, but also don't try to hide my asexuality from. And then there are people I really would rather not have find out I'm asexual because I want to avoid the drama. What I'm trying to say is that coming out isn't all-or-nothing. You can be out to some people and not to others (when I went to university, I decided I'd be out to everyone at the campus LGBTQ+ Centre, but I don't think I'm ready to come out to my relatives anytime soon, for example). You can be out-ish to people in the sense that you aren't trying to hide your identity, without actually making a point of telling them you're asexual. You can also decide to actually have conversations (or write letters if that's your thing) with people specifically about your identity. If you decide to come out, you might decide to come out to people one by one, or you might want to wait until you have a group of people together and come out to them all at once. You might want to leave a note for someone instead of having a face-to-face conversation. I came out to someone over text. You might want to casually mention that you've read something about asexuality, and use that as a conversation starter for coming out (or the other person's response might make you decide against coming out, which is also fair and valid). One of the issues with coming out at your age is that you're almost definitely going to be told by people that asexuality is something you'll outgrow, or that you're too young to really know you're asexual. Make sure you're prepared for the possibility of that happening. Link to post Share on other sites
AcerGirlM Posted December 23, 2014 Author Share Posted December 23, 2014 This actually helped me a lot! Thank you very much ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
PippinTook Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Hi, so I seem to be lurking around the Q&A section and answering this everytime I see it by copying the same answer. I hope it's helpful.... I think it is completely up to you. I'm totally going to steal my best friend's analogy here. It's like me telling you I don't like horror films - that information does not concern or effect you. The only times I'd feel the need to tell you is if: a) you asked me directly - to which I wouldn't lie b) you wanted to do something that would require you to know (i.e. watch a horror film/ have sex) If you want to come out, then of course that's fine, but just remember that it's your life, and the fact that you are asexual shouldn't effect anyone else. If they don't believe you (My mum didn't understand, and just thinks I haven't met the right person), then I think they're entitled to their opinions, but as long as they aren't acting on their opinion (i.e. trying to change you) then (in my opinion) you shouldn't be concerned about what they think. You are asexual, and as long as you are happy with that, that is fine. Equally, if you do not want to come out, that is also fine - it doesn't effect anyone's life but your own and potential partners (if you even are interested in that much). Hope that all made at least a little bit of sense, and was helpful. These are all my own opinions - I'm quite relaxed and don't care about what people think of me, and I get that not everyone feels the same. Link to post Share on other sites
House of Chimeras Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Came out at the age of 20 or 21 maybe to our mother. (Its been some years, can't remember exactly.) The only reason didn't come out sooner was due to not knowing about asexuality. Have been completely out to anyone if the topic comes up since the age of 23 or so. Link to post Share on other sites
crazypimpernelfan Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I have no idea how to answer this since I haven't completely come out. And when I do come out, I simply want to say, "I experience same-sex attractions" so that it isn't a label, but rather something I deal with. It's hard, though. I have yet to tell many people that "I deal with same-sex attractions", but I'm getting there. :P Link to post Share on other sites
kelico Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I've come out to a few people...very few people lol! And that was this past year (being 25 at the time--after just learning about asexuality). I may come out to a couple other close friends, but I haven't had the moment to...or like, it just hasn't been the most important thing on my mind to discuss with them. There's no rush! Take all the time you need in deciding whether to come out or not! It's totally up to you and your comfort zone. : ) *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 My "coming out" and identifying with asexuality was pretty synonymous. I had just turned 26. But then, I live on my own, don't have many friends (and even fewer who's opinions I care about), so I told my mom. She didn't get it, but then, I'm not really too worried about that. My brother was super supportive though. (Thanks, bro!) As for you, the advice of others here is really great. I especially like what element83 has said. It really isn't an all or nothing process if for no other reason than there are lots of people you haven't met yet, right? You're going to be meeting new people and making new friends for most of your life, and each time you do, you'll have to decide whether or not to come out to each of them. My advice would be to only come out to those you feel you can really trust, and/or those who absolutely should, or need to know (like a partner). The only exception to that general rule would be to be prepared for potential spontaneous comings out if you're in a situation where someone is getting too asky about sex/relationship things. That's almost happened to me a few times. I think I'd be prepared to do it though. Just something to keep in mind. Good luck with whatever you decide to do Link to post Share on other sites
Fangirl Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I came out very recently, first to my boyfriend, who kept wanting to have sex and wanted a specific reason for my refusal (God, he sounds like such a douchebag), and then to my mom. I wasn't planning on telling my mom, or anyone else who doesn't absolutely HAVE to know, but I was visibly upset because my boyfriend still doesn't understand the concept of being ace, and my mom asked my what's wrong and I figured if I told one person, I could also tell two. My first coming out wasn't exactly pleasant as I felt like I was obligated to tell my boyfriend. When he asked me (AGAIN) why I didn't want to have sex, I knew I had to tell him but it was like my throat physically closed up; so I typed it into Google instead of saying it out loud. He just said okay and closed the tab, so I assumed he knew what asexuality was. Turns out he didn't and we've had quite a few uncomfortable discussions over text message about it. With my mom, my experience was a lot better. Again I was a coward and couldn't say the a-word, but she brought it up herself so I'm assuming she is at least aware of the general definition. She did say I might not always be asexual and my sex drive might kick in later on, which personally I don't agree with, but all in all her reaction was a lot better than I expected. The first time I felt like coming out didn't really change anything, but this time it felt really good and I've been feeling more true to myself ever since. Link to post Share on other sites
RD_the Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 The most difficult person to come out to, hands down, was myself. Once I managed to do that, everyone else was a cakewalk. I came to terms with my asexuality and came out when I was 27. The people whose opinions I care about have been supportive. Not always right from the start, but everyone has come around. I have gotten negative responses, but those have not come from people I am particularly close to, and I can honestly say I don't care what they think. Coming out is a process, it is not a moment. There are a huge number of people in your life, and even if you broadcast your sexuality on social media (note: this method is not recommended) you probably won't have informed every single person you interact with, and you certainly haven't informed everyone you will be interacting with in the future. You could choose to work your coming out into your introduction to every person you meet in the future, but that is also not something I'd recommend. There are people who aren't going to need to know. You make choices about who you come out to. Right now you have complete control of who knows and who does not, and you also have complete control over when they know. For the majority of the population, even for people I interact with on a regular basis, our respective sexualities are completely irrelevant. So I would not say that I am universally out, but at the same time I am completely out. That is, I am not concealing my sexuality from anyone, and if it becomes relevant I will discuss the issue. There are a handfull of people who are important to me, and I chose to pointedly come out to them. I found it useful, especially in the beginning, to consider why I wanted to come out to the person in question. The most important question to ask when coming out (as anything) is: am I safe? Do you feel safe with this person having this information about you? If this person reacts badly, will you continue to be safe? If the answer to that question is no, don't come out to that person. Or don't come out to that person until you do feel safe. Safety could come from having supportive people you are safe with at your back, having more background information about this person's overall opinions on the subject, or being financially secure away from this person. Once you have answered that question and are ready to proceed with coming out to your chosen person, you can move on to other questions. Such as how to come out. Keep in mind that when coming out as asexual you are generally going to take on the role of educator. Most people still don't know about asexuality. We in this community debate the finer points of the definition and can continue going in circles about the complexities of this identity, but the vast majority of people are ignorant about the ver basics of this identity. This isn't their fault, but you are going to be confronted by their ignorance. Be prepared for it, and be prepared to answer it. Be prepared to understand it. Remember that while people know what "gay" means, they often haven't even heard of "ace." (I imagine people who are other than cis-gendered have to take on this educator role every time.) Always, always be respectful. Even if they aren't. Think about things beforehand and decide what kinds of questions you are not willing to answer. Have boundaries. There are going to be some very personal questions asked. For example, people are going to ask about your masturbation habits. (Seriously, this is generally one of the first three questions I've been asked. From everyone.) What are you willing to divulge on this subject? How will you answer your mom when she asks this? What other questions might you be unwilling to answer? How will you respectfully refuse to answer them? Many people get worried when confronted with asexuality. They worry that something is wrong with you, or that you are suffering. They will also often be dismissive, insisting that you haven't met the right person, or that you'll change your mind. I suggest you come up with an answer for this. Practice so you can say it confidently. I generally use something like this:"I understand your worries, and I'm really glad to know that you care about me. I wanted to share this news with you because you are important to me, and I trust you. I know that it's a lot to take in, and I know that you are confused and concerned. I can't take that away from you entirely/There is nothing I can say that will absolutely convince you. But I want you to know that this is not sad news. I have discovered something about myself, and this knowledge makes me feel happy, free, and stronger than I was before. This is a part of who I am right now, with all of the joys and challenges involved. Neither of us can see the future. It is possible that this will change, or it is possible that it won't. Either way, this is what I feel is true about me right now, and I wanted to share it with you." I hope this was helpful. Whatever you choose to do I wish you good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Chyril Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I in a way still haven't come out yet so I couldn't give any experience about that. However, just like RD_the said, think about your safety, please. Maybe try to do a simulation? Like, asking your parents about what would they think if someone feels no sexual attraction etc. and then look at how they react. If all is well then go ahead. If not... maybe keeping it all to yourself will be better. Or you can say about your zero interest in sex and see how they react? If everything is in favor then thumbs up, continue it. If not, crack a laugh and say you're joking or something (I did it, but can't tell about other's opinion regarding this way. Anyone?) Whatever you decided to do, I wish you all the good lucks! Link to post Share on other sites
coverts Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 If it is something you want to do and feel comfortable with doing you should, otherwise don't. A lot of people don't really know what asexuality is so you might have to explain it, and try to have a back up plan if they do have a bad reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Gryphon Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I came out late in life, but I did it because it was the first time I realized I was asexual. For most of my life I just thought I was gay and not interested in sex. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Ace of Cakes Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I said I haven't because I'm only out to a very limited number of people. I'm not out to my parents, just my sister, boyfriend, two ace friends, and one other friend (who is bisexual because she was talking about erasure and it seemed relevant/low-risk). The thing to remember when thinking about your own coming out (or not coming out) is that it's a very personal decision and completely up to you! Also, you can do so gradually. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Take small steps as you're comfortable if that sounds better to you :) Link to post Share on other sites
FiSci Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I'm actually out to one person only, but it turns out we're both ace, so it's always felt totally comfortable. Just make sure that, if you do decide to take the plunge, you feel comfortable with the person(s), and don't do it unless you're 100% sure about it. Although I haven't experienced myself, I'm pretty sure many questions would be posed, so maybe be prepared to answer any questions or even have some resources. But, at the end of the day, it's up to you - never feel pressured into doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Bookwyrm Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I answered the poll with my age range (30s) even though technically I'm only out to my parents (who are supportive and love me but also harbor that "Well, you might find someone who changes your mind..." reservation) and a few online friends. I don't hide it, but I don't go around saying, "Hey, everyone, did you know I'm a gray ace?!" ;) It's just not relevant to most of the situations I find myself in so there's no reason to discuss it. If someone brought up the topic or outright asked me, I wouldn't hide it, I guess, but nobody ever has. Link to post Share on other sites
Perseus Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I tell people close to me or anyone who asks me. I am not ashamed. It feels great telling people. Link to post Share on other sites
cali87 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I am not out in the sense that I have never said " I am Aromantic Asexual" but I don't hide my lack of interest, and didn't really hide it before I knew the labels either. I mean I would kinda half fake sexual interest but I have never pretended to have any desire whatsoever for relationships so I don't really have anything to "come out" as lol. If someone asked me straight up probably still wouldn't use the labels I would just say I have no interest but.. thats hardly a secret so the question coming up is unlikely lol Link to post Share on other sites
Xavy Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I came out slowly to selected people over time, I consider myself "out" but not everyone would understand what exactly I am "out" with since Asexuality is not very well known Link to post Share on other sites
CNGB Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Personally, I'm not going to lie about it. I haven't made a big huge announcement with my friends, but if they ever ask then I tell, and sometimes I'll joke about it and they may find out that way. The only two people I did come out to directly were my best friend and my mother--I would have for my dad, too, but he wasn't home at the time and my mom kept talking about grandkids, sooooo Link to post Share on other sites
PatheticGirl Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 with few but most don't know Link to post Share on other sites
wannaknow Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 And then there are people I really would rather not have find out I'm asexual because I want to avoid the drama. Can you please describe the drama that one would expect? I don't understand why people would look down on someone's identity as asexual, especially when (in traditionally conservative society) being overtly sexual is itself looked down on. Link to post Share on other sites
LostInSilentHill Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I think it'd really hurt my mother to tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
colorfulgirl Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I never had that feeling that I need to come out. If someone asked... well, that would be a different story. My mom knows, I didn't tell her anything directly but she's a mom, she knows everything ;). Link to post Share on other sites
ozzythefabulous Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 For me when I came out to everyone it helped me feel more confident in my asexuality... However I did have to do a bit of explaining but to my surprise quite a few of my friends already knew what asexuality was which helped ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Asexy Void Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I came out to my two oldest nieces, and to my oldest sister, and lastly to my partner(who is demisexual) and then I determined not to tell anyone else unless it's relevant for whatever reason, or if they ask. Link to post Share on other sites
element83 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 And then there are people I really would rather not have find out I'm asexual because I want to avoid the drama. Can you please describe the drama that one would expect? I don't understand why people would look down on someone's identity as asexual, especially when (in traditionally conservative society) being overtly sexual is itself looked down on. In general, accusations of being a special snowflake. Also, my mother would probably be upset about not being able to extract grandchildren from me or whatnot. Link to post Share on other sites
WünderBâhr Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Moved to the Census forum. Bipolar Bear Asexual Q&A Mod Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I came out at 42, mainly because I was unaware that asexual didn't exist until then. Link to post Share on other sites
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