Trans Moments?

[Kimmie.]

I think my brain is desperately just looking for ways to get out off it. Like you don´t need it you have done that or lived like this for....... and so it continuous. But i know that it is holding myself back and i just need to somekind of help.  I don´t know what to say it is just a mess.

 

I am once again reading the swedish trans info site http://www.transformering.se/korrigering/transvard/konsutredning and yeah the tears starts to come. I am just so fu..ing afraid. If i only had someone that could come with me as support. Someone that knows what it is like.

I am such a wuss.

[butterflydreams]

@Kimmie. that sounds totally normal. Don't fight it, just let it pass over you. It will pass over you. Eventually you'll start to find your own signs showing you what you need to do. I don't know what they'll be, but you will find them. For me, it was a dream where I met my future self. I didn't realize who it was at first, but she seemed familiar. She was helping me load some stuff into a moving truck. I told her I was thinking about transitioning, but was afraid. She stopped and explained what a big deal it was, and asked if I was really sure. Dream me said yes, and she said good. As she was leaving, I asked her name, and she gave me the only feminized version of my birth name you could possibly come up with.

 

Just wait for your sign. It will come.

[Kimmie.]

Thanks @Hadley167 i remember you tell that dream around a year ago? And it has been stuck with me.

If we are sharing dreams i had one years ago that can be something but it was just weird.

Spoiler

I remember it being dark so i opening my eyes. And i see that i was standing in what looked like a shower room in a gym or something. So then i for some reason start to look down and when i see what looks like breasts the camera angle changes to behind my shoulder. Because my dreams are censored for some reason. And i see beautiful long wavy hair. And when i are about to start feeling my body i hear something. I look up and in the door opening stands someone i only see the silhouette of a women. And then everything just gets weird.

 

I dont know why i share this. That dream was atleast 5 years ago and i still remember it like it was yesterday. And i love this dream until the weird part.

But as you said i will know what to do and when to do it when i see the final sign.

 

Once again thank you.

[Enne Kristin]

Spoiler

I have similar dreams, being a girl dressed feminine. last time i had met a marvelous grayblond nurse much younger and smaller than i. and i dreamed we were in a platonic relationship and lived and shared everything and it was just awww, and very romantic. loved that.

 

[Guest]

@Kimmie. here is mine: 

 

 

I remember this dream very clearly, about two years ago i dreamed i came out as FTM trans.Despite the hardships with my family i kept going trough with my goal and started the mill of transitioning, when i was on T for a while i was happy to see the changes untill i saw the guy i wanted to be in the mirror. I remember saying "Oh! There you are!!" And smiling at my image in the mirror. 

 

It doesn't neccesarily mean i had to transition but it showed to me it's ok to be yourself and that you are allowed to work on your dream goals  Dreams can mean many things, I believe but it's a way of showing you are thinking about these things and how it effects you in your life/reasoning on things

 

Edit: I've dreamed about transitioning more then once but like i said before: That doesn't neccessarily mean you have to do that.Just do things at your own pace and your own time..forcing yourself will only have the opposite effect of what you're trying to reach.

 

 

 

 

[Kimmie.]

Both of your dreams sound wonderful.  Thanks for sharing them.

Spoiler

The weird thing that i was talking about was that the woman in the doorway got really close and sexual after that. And the come some details that i want to keep for myself.

 

[Enne Kristin]

Spoiler

The person in my dream did not actually become sexual, but we had very sensual touch, on face, shoulder, around waist. I am very "quoi?" concerning touch, actually the sensation of being touched by a person i am inclined to is very intense and emotional. and i will let only such people touch me. being hugged or getting kissed on the cheek as a greeting by a friend is almost unsettling and i have to overcome my touch aversion by an afford of will, because I do not want to embarrass friends. when I get touched eg at the shoulder I often flinch. it is very hard sometimes for me to discern friendliness and actual interest/attraction. because I only touch people whom I like very much and I have a strong and long lasting bond to. i even ask my spouse if I may stroke their hair, take their and or kiss them onto their cheek/forehead. so does she. it is a miracle we managed to reproduce , both a) very hard to rouse (aceflux/grace) b) the "genders-of-the-day" have to match. so if they are a masculine gender, I just won't be interested even if it is my spouse because the little vestige of sexual interest in me happens to be woma- or nb-attracted. On their masculine days they are even disturbing to me... dont know why. I am just not interested. the same applies for romo. I love romantic things, candlelight, movies, going out, watching stars, picking flowers, walking barefooted at night along an eternal coastline/beach etc. but not with cis-ish masculine persons. just preference, I presume. I hope this is not sexist or something. my spouse has days when they just behaves like a cis man. then I am almost repulsed. I even accused them of transmysogyny and chauvinism. just could not bear it. they happen to be like their father and he is.. omg one of the most jovial cispersons I ever met... "Herrenwitze", laughing, putting themself into the middle of everything, commanding etc. brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Back to the dream: It was just super sensationally sensual, but with nothing laszivious. just innocent, sensitiv and tender.

 

[Guest]

I uh, regularly inflated balloons up my shirt and slept with them till morning... since I was in my young teens... Mom knows this even... 

 

But the dreams these nights that gave me were . 

 

I don't know many of these anymore, but I vaguely remember going to back school as a girly. Still a nerd though xD... and if the weather allowed it, a skirt down to the knees. And my hair always pretty much loosened. Long hair, as long as it could get. 

 

... and then you wake up... with mom trying to enter your room, with balloons stuffed in your pjs. I was anxiously pushing them out underneath the sheets whilst holding tight to the sheets because mom was pulling on them! ahahaha...

 

This is one of my experiences why my Mom so easily accepts my whole transition, it holds by no means on it's own... But, yea. Back then, I had dysphoria pretty much. 

[Enne Kristin]

I do so too. such days realy s..k. But I do not really want to transition. I like wearing some sorts of girls clothing though. Right now I am wearing my new favorite, a black skater skirt 1/3 of my lower legs, combined with ecru high socks and nike sneakers (my submarine sized feet just dont look so large in those , I am a 11/12 in shoes, 16/18 in clothes, 182cm tall but I managed to lose almost 18kg since xmas quite proud of myself - first the 38'' jeans were to big, now my 36 only stay up when I wear a belt. I hope I will manage 33 next year )

[Kimmie.]

Spoiler

Just to clarify i did not like the sexual part of the dream. I liked it that she was checking me out until the point that she asked if i wanted to do it.

 

And it is great to read all of your stories.

[Kimmie.]

Actually @Phoenix the II when you say it about the balloons thing I remember doing something similar.

[Enne Kristin]

Spoiler

Even if you had liked the sexual part of it, it would not have invalidated you in any way I have stopped apologizing to others or - worst - to myself. I think as with other identities and orientations, asexuality does not exactly mean no attraction or desire ever, but regularly... just as gay men might just meet a woman, lesbians a man whom they find sexually attractive or fantasize about someone ... Exceptions just prove the rule. and I just dont let erase my identity and orientation because of policing community members and what they might think. Sometimes I may just have sex with my spouse to please them and because they need it, on other occasions I happen to have desire for it very intensely (ones mind may not control the parts allways. this is why I label myself aceflux: it is vestigal, but it may happen...) As a trans multigender and fluid person I have stumbled across sooo many resentments, that I dont give anything anymore about such policing. If one thinks they have to get bulliing, I find clear and direct words. this got me expelled as a transphobic person from a fb group, but I will not shut up just to please people whose hatred spills over and devours them. I pitty people who think policing and hatred leads to any good... I hope I can be support, I am a very direct person and I dont tend to abide to community rules without question I am a rebellious person

 

[Enne Kristin]

@Kimmie.I remember using an a-bra or sportsbra and juggling balls when I was 12. the balloon thing occured to me when I was a youth leader in a camp... one of the boys did not appear for dinner, so I went up to their room and I found them dressing up in a red dress and balloons... I was "ups, sorry" and they were a bit emberrassed, but I talked to them it is ok and that many amab persons just liked cross dressing. I had a short talk with my fellow leaders and we concluded we would support them how ever we could. so our female leaders teamed up, got makeup and a pair of overknees for them. they were the star of this evenings party - nobody laughed or bullied them. they lost their shy about crossdressing and just borrowed from the girls if they wanted to wear a skirt. ok, in the beginning there where some ahhh and ohhh, but friendly. it was completely accepted that one day of the camp he was boy, the other she was a girl. by how their dress we knew their pronouns and name for the days...

 

btw, the camp was completely unisex toilets and showers, first two days there where some aaaah and iiiiek because it jumbled up and hoaxes about times , but we managed it, with days with seperated times and days with times where the changing room was mixed, but separated with curtains (curtains were there in the showers too). parents had been told about this special situation and it had been agreed on this together on a meeting... and no, there was no moral decline we monitored what went on... we leaders even did a mixed midnight showerparty once a week, who insisted in swimwear, but most without (most knew each other half their lives and we had been swimming naked in lakes together... nothing about it )

[Kimmie.]

That's sounds like a really good time @N'y.  I love that kind of support. I am happy for them.

 

Well first i thought that it was just crossdressing for me to. But I realized quickly that is what something more. I just not only wanted to dress like a girl. I want to look like a girl completely down to the skin because well that is how I should be.

[Enne Kristin]

for them too they and their sister are two of the most beautiful women I know (and they look very alike), though the older sister is less feminine then they are

[Enne Kristin]

big sister was an aculyte like me, and because we were ca. the same size we had to do service together very often. when she got her intermediate degree she started a carreer as European Secretary, something administration and languages. so she moved away. sad about that. she was fun, as their sibling

[Kimmie.]

That is great to hear. How much some great support can do for someone.

I am still deep in the closet. This is the only place where I have told about my feelings.

 

Sorry that you miss her.

[Enne Kristin]

"miss" is a bit too much ... I d like to have a pint of beer or a cup of coffee again like in old times...

[nerdperson777]

Heheheh the crossdressing part. Those were some great memories. 

[nerdperson777]

Look at me necro-ing my own thread.

 

I found an app that's basically Cards Against Humanity for the phone.

 



 

[Lirpaderp]

7th grade me arguing with a 1st grader about my sex...she asked if I was a girl or a boy. I said girl and she then asked if I was sure. I told her yes, I was thinking I have the parts so I'm a girl (I didn't learn people could identify as something other than their birth sex until a few years later).... Many years later I'm asking myself the same question. But now my answer is idk what I am, but I'm not a girl. And I sure as hell aren't a lady or a woman... But that might just be my denial of growing up.

[Mezzo Forte]

I found myself sharing an experience I had getting my legs waxed as a teen, and the sheer look of confusion from the people who didn't know that I'm trans was beyond priceless. I got asked repeatedly if I was a swimmer, and when asked why I did it, I couldn't quite remember, so when I gave my best guess of "my mother had a groupon," they seemed even more confused.  

[butterflydreams]

I try to be really careful to avoid talking about things I did as a kid that only boys would typically do. Like playing baseball. I never even really wanted to play baseball. I can’t really think of any other very boy things I did as a kid. I guess if people wanted to be stereotypical, I did do a lot of engineering stuff. Though I still do. I worry that will out me all the time. Though I’m not really stealth anyway, so maybe it doesn’t matter.

[nerdperson777]

15 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

I try to be really careful to avoid talking about things I did as a kid that only boys would typically do. Like playing baseball. I never even really wanted to play baseball. I can’t really think of any other very boy things I did as a kid. I guess if people wanted to be stereotypical, I did do a lot of engineering stuff. Though I still do. I worry that will out me all the time. Though I’m not really stealth anyway, so maybe it doesn’t matter.

I talked about wearing a prom dress to some mom who I thought knew so I think she started misgendering me afterwards at the dinner we were at.  So now I avoid talking about that, especially when it was the only one of maybe five times I wore one in my life.

[butterflydreams]

Another month, another nosebleed. My body gets it...lol

[nerdperson777]

I just read this thing a friend posted.  She always comes up with the best things to say.  She said on the phone a sales clerk said her old name.  She said that he's not home right now and they they were going out for a long due romantic weekend so don't call until after the holidays.  I wish I could come up with something witty like that.  I'm kind of paranoid that when I start being a martial arts instructor, that people from high school would recognize me and I would have to out myself.  Because upon hearing my other name, I might answer or at least react to it and then I'll have some explaining to do.

[Lirpaderp]

When asked name and pronouns people look at me funny. I don't have the guts tell people what I prefer unless they ask. But when they do ask.... "Girl name, he/him".... At least they asked this time. Most people just call me she. Tbh, she/her doesn't bother me. But being called/assumed a woman/girl/lady is the WORST.... If I had a neutral/boy name this wouldn't happen. But I like my name.

[Alex the Queer]

anytime someone talks about anyone who has the same name as me (I’m alex so it’s fairly basic and common) or talks about anything involving trans/nb i instantly jerk to attention, like ‘ooo alex/trans/nb??? that’s me, what, what are we talking about, who said that”

[just an owl]

-

[999papercranes]

9 minutes ago, just an owl said:

I fainted yesterday when I was out in town. When I came to, I could hear people saying "Yeah this man is just lying here" "Yes he's breathing" etc...

At first I was happy they were seeing me as male (until I realised what was going on)

 

I put the passing in passing out.

 

It kinda sucks that the best time I've passed was when I was unconscious, lying in the street, though.

Oh no! Are you ok?