Just rambling

[Tarfeather]

So this is gonna be a long and boring post where I talk about stuff that's probably off-topic.

I guess I just really enjoy talking to the people on here about my feelings, and maybe it's nice to talk about stuff once in a while that's not related to not getting enough sex, or having too much sex, or other such mixed relationship troubles. And maybe there's a better subforum for that, but I'm never quite sure inhowfar those are off-limits to us non-asexual types. ;)

Speaking of mixed relationship troubles, I don't seem to be having any of that anymore? My only regret right now is that I haven't seen boobies in a while. :> But a few days ago, me and the gf sat together and had a really long talk, and it cleared lots of things up. For instance, for the first time I felt bold enough to suggest that she may not, in terms of sexual orientation, be asexual. That actually led to some interesting discussion, and she did say that to her sexuality is a problem because she feels that she'd lose control over things. So just like she used to force her body not to eat, as a way to establish control, she might be doing the same thing with sexuality and attraction. It's plausible, assuming that she has a low level of those things to begin with.

You know, I figure this might actually be a bit of a problem with the "asexuality" label. Okay, so the idea is that it's like homosexuality, people can just "swing" that way. Except, there are plenty of people who have different reasons not to want sex. I don't think it's a good idea to just sweep those reasons under the rug and pretend it's a predetermined fact of their psyche when it's not. At that point it seems more like a defence and/or excuse than a useful description of what's going on.

Thing is, that defence/excuse is completely unnecessary. Whether she's asexual or not, I don't care. If she doesn't want sex, that's okay. I won't feel any less loved just because of that. There are so many other ways she's showing that she cares about me, and I feel the bond between us getting stronger every day. So we can just be honest and curious about what's actually going on, m'kay? And I think that's what's happening. The fact she actually told me about that one time she got aroused indicates that to me. She's learning to trust me, and so she feels okay with talking about these things to me, because she knows it won't result in me demanding sex.

On a completely different note, I do want kids. I've thought about adopting, but the whole process seems so awkward and ineffective, I'd rather not. If I can't pick at all the child I'm going to adopt, I'd really rather just take my and my partner's genetic offspring; I'd just kinda like to raise a child who has similar strengths and unusual characteristics to my own(and my partner, we are very similar), and maybe even give them a chance at making something great out of that.

It doesn't seem she's terribly concerned about the pain involved in giving birth and all that, but she does have other concerns. For instance, she's worried that she wouldn't be a good mother, given that she's very emotionally detached. Apparently, she was also emotionally scarred as a child, because her mother couldn't really give her the feeling of being loved and understood either. Anyway, I told her that it'd be fine, because I think that if she's happy in the relationship and doesn't feel forced to feel/show anything, I'm sure that the child would feel that, too, and with regards to parental love/emotional closeness, I could give all that if need be. Still, with regards to our careers, we're putting the matter off for another 3 years, although after that time I think we should make a decision, as I believe one should be young and healthy for a while after your kids turn 18, particularly if you want to see that child through higher education.

My mother sometimes talked to me about borderline syndrome, and suggested that I might have that. Now, I don't really think so, but one thing struck me as interesting that she mentioned there: The idea that one might long for a relationship when you don't have it, and not be able to bear it when you do have it. I think that early during this relationship, I couldn't really believe/accept that it was actually going to work, and so was looking for reasons that I was going to be disappointed as usual. Fortunately, my girlfriend disproved that many times, and so the relationship is going well.

However, at this point, I almost feel like I'm getting.. bored? Don't get me wrong, I'm completely happy in my relationship, we spend a lot of time together, and we both enjoy that time. But the complete lack of romantic woes seems to leave me slightly dissatisfied. It's like I'm a masochist or something. I find myself thinking sometimes of one certain woman whom I've known for over ten years and who has emotionally destroyed me in the past.

She's a very dishonest person. Dishonest to herself, I believe. I've repeatedly lost contact to her, and it seems to be related to her very jealous boyfriend. I used to be very hurt about the way she treated me. I knew back then that it was partially my "fault", because I had feelings for her and was open about it. I used to be very upset about the way she kept insisting that I was an important friend, yet she very obviously gave her boyfriend preferential treatment(some may know my stance on friendship). Nowadays, ever since meeting my girlfriend basically, I don't care about that anymore, in fact I'd be willing to give that boyfriend a full apology and move on. However, a few months ago, she's broken off contact again without an explanation, and I'm just kinda irritated about this.

I assume I'll be able to contact her again sometime. Maybe in a few months. Maybe it'll be years. Who knows? Why do I care about this woman again? She's proven to be dishonest and untrustworthy. I want to believe that it's because she was an important person to me in an important phase of my life; That, despite her dishonesty, she's still somebody I get along with very well, and who can provide me with new ideas and insights. That I'd like to understand more about her so that I can understand more about myself, and get over some of the hurt in my past. And yeah, I think those are all true reasons, but still, sometimes I wonder whether it's not just that I'm bored without having somebody treating me like a piece of trash. Ugh, that almost makes me feel like that kind of person who finds assholishness to be attractive. Oh well, at least my *actual* partner is a kind and loving and honest and smart person. I'd better not stop showing her how much that means to me. :)

[Angelica Soprano]

Personally, I would cut off all contact, and realise the mind loves to torture itself in those moments it has time to be bored. Can't see much to be gained and possibly a lot to be regretted.