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Serran

Is this something normal for sexuals?

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Serran

If I am buying a friend a video game, I am spending a fair amount of time thinking about what video games they like. I am deciding if they want FPS, RTS, RPG, etc. I may compare what they like with things I have played. That's A LOT of thinking about them playing video games, to find one they like. If I am giving them one I also like, I would also probably think while playing it "I bet soandso would like this game, it seems to be up their alley" and probably buy it then. It means I am spending a ton of time thinking about what exactly they like, game wise. Buying a video game someone likes is really not easy. I like RTS games, but you buy me Cossacks, or Total War, I am going to never play it. If I don't want to spend any time thinking about exactly what they want and would enjoy, I am just going to buy them a Steam gift card or something. So, they can pick their own out. If it was a sex shop gift card so her and her husband could go pick out this very personal item themselves, that wouldn't bug me.

A sex toy is deeply personal, varies by person what they like and it takes a fair amount of research to get one someone is actually going to enjoy. Meaning, he spent a fair amount of time thinking about "What will bring this woman, who is not my partner, the most sexual pleasure?" ... and since he got her this time nearly a carbon copy of the one he uses on me, he probably was also thinking about her while with me. Which, as someone who is monogamous, does not sit well with me at all. "Oh hey honey, while we have sex, I think about someone else and how she'd really enjoy this while you don't..."

Yes, as someone who is poly, you probably wouldn't understand why it might be supremely uncomfortable for your partner to be essentially spending hours thinking about someone else sexually. To research how to please her. To think about her while he is having sex with you. To buy her sex toys twice in a row, on special occasions, making them the only gifts he ever buys her. When he never buys them for anyone else, except his partner, at any other time. When I have never seen him buy a MALE a sex toy, if it's such a platonic gesture of "Hey, I want my friend to enjoy sex". To not even consider to discuss it before you do it.

And then to insult me, when I ask who it is for? To turn it around to "YOU are the odd one, because people who like sex would see it as normal" ... which doesn't seem to be the case...

It's not really seeming like a 100% platonic thought process. Especially not when I can't even compliment a guy or seem interested in a guy's job/pets (I know someone that has falcons and does art for a living, I find it cool, but I would never DREAM of dating the guy even if I could) without him needing reassured because he feels threatened. When he considers cuddling crossing a line and cheating. But bringing others sexual pleasure (even through a third party toy)? Not even something worth discussing!

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Down in Texas

I'm prepared to be hated for saying this:

I guess I can't relate to the monogamous thinking anymore, but I don't think there's enough ground to say his intentions aren't monogamous. Sure, it's not normal, but things considered not normal aren't necessarily bad. The way I see it is: He knows this woman has a high sex drive and her husband can't completely satisfy her, so he gave her sex toys for her to enjoy herself. Why does it have to be "he's interested in her orgasms"? Why can't it simply be "he wants to give her a gift that can bring her pleasure"? If I give a friend a video game as a gift, does it mean I must want to watch them play it or play it with them? No. I don't see why sex toys are magically different. I do think the social norm "giving a friend sex toys is weird" reflects a certain degree of sex negativity.

However, he does seem to be comparing you with this woman and hoping you to be more like her, and that would make me uncomfortable as well. And his refusal to talk about it with you is a bigger red flag than the act of buying sex toys for her.

Then in my opinion he can tell her where to find it online and she can buy her own!!! He does not need to buy it for her.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

I knew a monogamous couple who bought their friend (who was not in a relationship I might add) a very large dildo as a joke for her 21st birthday (as the "key" lol.. like "the key to womanhood is sexual pleasure" *sigh*) anyway, they all thought it was hilariously funny, and it kinda was, even though it's also weird haha.. but they were all close friends and all understood each other's sense of humor etc and it wasn't really about her sexual pleasure (I honestly don't think she could have got that thing inside her, it was huge lol) it was honestly just a joke. But even if it *was* about them helping her have pleasure, it's not that bad, because she wasn't in a relationship and both the people buying her the dildo were really into the idea. It wasn't *just* the guy in the relationship saying "hey let's get .... a huge dildo" and his partner going along with it even though she wasn't entirely okay with it, it was actually her idea and they were both really excited about it (they were telling me all about it at work, showed me the dildo etc lol)

It's *extremely* different when a heterosexual man who is in a monogamous relationship is buying a woman who is also in a relationship, sex toys for her sexual pleasure, without the consent of his own partner (not sure if her partner is okay with this either?) ..and getting angry when his partner expresses discomfort about it.

If he was truly *just* concerned about her pleasure, couldn't he say to her husband "hey have you considered buying your wife sex toys? She'll love you for it man" I mean.. even that's pretty far out, but it's no where near as 'intimate' as going and picking out the toy himself, especially without his partners consent, and gifting her the toys on special occassions. Dude, that's what ***HER PARTNER*** is for, got it? SURE if Serran and the woman's husband were also 'in on it' and thought it was a great idea, that's less weird (because it's all consensual, out it in the open, and everyone is having a good time)

But the way it is now? Him and her having this private little pleasure-giving thing going on?

No, just no.

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Serran

I'm honestly not sure how I would feel about it if he had actually come to me and discussed the idea, before going to purchase. I certainly would have told him to at least buy a DIFFERENT one, because there is no way I am now going to be able to let him use the one he has on me... that will be entirely too uncomfortable and he's not going to like it when I tell him that, but too bad. But, I think I would have probably not been as bothered by it if he'd said something to me about it first, not just... left it on my amazon account to find and ask about. :s Especially not when we already had this conversation once and he KNOWS I am not really comfortable with it. At the least, he could give me full disclosure and a discussion. He wouldn't like me doing something I know he's not comfortable with and not telling him about it. He would probably not speak to me for a week if I did that, especially not if when he brought it up I insulted him for it.

And yes, people have bought me vibrators as jokes before. My brother's gf did it once and then we played with it the whole night shoving it in each other's socks/pants legs while it was on (was me, her and a male friend.. would have been way too weird with my brother there, for various reasons). It was just a joke. I understand gag gifts like that. That's totally different than buying one for real pleasure. And if both in a couple are on board, they can even share used sex toys for all I care.

And yes, her husband knows about the toys. He's OK with it and they open them up and play with them at work before the wife gets them. o.O

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
It's not really seeming like a 100% platonic thought process. Especially not when I can't even compliment a guy or seem interested in a guy's job/pets (I know someone that has falcons and does art for a living, I find it cool, but I would never DREAM of dating the guy even if I could) without him needing reassured because he feels threatened. When he considers cuddling crossing a line and cheating. But bringing others sexual pleasure (even through a third party toy)? Not even something worth discussing!

Serran, my ex was the same. If a guy even said "hi" to me he'd drill me about whether or not I was fucking the guy etc. He made me have sex with other men but to him that wasn't cheating, because only he got to decide who I had sex with and it was always a threesome so he was there, and he knew I hated it so he didn't feel threatened. I wasn't allowed to sit near guys or talk to them or anything, because to him that meant I might want to fuck them, and he would check my phone multiple times every day to make sure no 'suspicious' activity was happening.

.. whereas he was out actually having sex with other women (sometimes would even lock me outside so he could do it with them inside our house) and said it's okay because it "doesn't mean anything" .. so your situation is sounding very similar only obviously less extreme: The way he has double standards etc buying this woman sex toys but getting mad if you talk about another guy or anything. Seriously not cool. If he would not be happy with you buying another man sex toys, he should *never* go and do that himself for a woman.

Sorry I can't quote I'm on my phone, hence lack of quotes and lack of fancy formatting.

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Notte stellata

A sex toy is deeply personal, varies by person what they like and it takes a fair amount of research to get one someone is actually going to enjoy. Meaning, he spent a fair amount of time thinking about "What will bring this woman, who is not my partner, the most sexual pleasure?" ... and since he got her this time nearly a carbon copy of the one he uses on me, he probably was also thinking about her while with me. Which, as someone who is monogamous, does not sit well with me at all. "Oh hey honey, while we have sex, I think about someone else and how she'd really enjoy this while you don't..."

Yes, that's understandable. But I kinda have the opposite interpretation about him getting nearly a carbon copy of the toy he got for you: I think it more likely suggests he didn't put much thought into what kind of sex toy to get for her, so he just got one that is very similar to yours.

And then to insult me, when I ask who it is for? To turn it around to "YOU are the odd one, because people who like sex would see it as normal" ... which doesn't seem to be the case...

It's not really seeming like a 100% platonic thought process. Especially not when I can't even compliment a guy or seem interested in a guy's job/pets (I know someone that has falcons and does art for a living, I find it cool, but I would never DREAM of dating the guy even if I could) without him needing reassured because he feels threatened. When he considers cuddling crossing a line and cheating. But bringing others sexual pleasure (even through a third party toy)? Not even something worth discussing!

I totally agree that's problematic. The insulting, getting defensive, and double standard are not okay. If he can feel insecure when you express platonic interest in another guy, why can't you be bothered by his behavior and need his reassurance?

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Serran

Serran, my ex was the same. If a guy even said "hi" to me he'd drill me about whether or not I was fucking the guy etc. He made me have sex with other men but to him that wasn't cheating, because only he got to decide who I had sex with and it was always a threesome so he was there, and he knew I hated it so he didn't feel threatened. I wasn't allowed to sit near guys or talk to them or anything, because to him that meant I might want to fuck them, and he would check my phone multiple times every day to make sure no 'suspicious' activity was happening.

.. whereas he was out actually having sex with other women (sometimes would even lock me outside so he could do it with them inside) and said it's okay because it "doesn't mean anything" .. so your situation is sounding very similar only obviously less extreme: The way he has double standards etc buying this woman sex toys but getting mad if you talk about another guy or anything. Seriously not cool. If he would not be happy with you buying another man sex toys, he should *never* go and do that himself for a woman.

Sorry I can't quote I'm on my phone, hence lack of quotes and lack of fancy formatting.

EDIT: that was in reply to your comment before your most recent one.. Damn you lame phone!

He doesn't search my emails or anything. But, he says stuff like "Well, why aren't you dating him?" and stuff (not getting mad, but obviously being insecure), so I have to explain yet again that finding something interesting about someone doesn't mean I want them. He even got all upset over me saying something like "I would love a guy that would cuddle and not want sex, so not all women want sex. There is hope! Don't give up!" on AVEN when some guy posted that he didn't feel like he'd never find a woman that was into cuddling, without wanting sex from it. He said it was flirting. However, one of the first things he said to this woman he's buying toys for is "Tell her to show me her boobies!" to her husband, who forwarded that to her in a text. He says stuff like that all the time, to everyone, so I just take it as part of his personality. But, the double standard is there and it's annoying. He also got all jealous over my ex, who I stayed friends with and yet a few days after he got upset about that he was on the phone with a woman he used to have sex with! But, "that doesn't count as an ex, we were never going to get married or anything"... what. Well, sex certainly doesn't count as a platonic only ever friend either. His double standards have to be thrown into his face for him to even see them.

A sex toy is deeply personal, varies by person what they like and it takes a fair amount of research to get one someone is actually going to enjoy. Meaning, he spent a fair amount of time thinking about "What will bring this woman, who is not my partner, the most sexual pleasure?" ... and since he got her this time nearly a carbon copy of the one he uses on me, he probably was also thinking about her while with me. Which, as someone who is monogamous, does not sit well with me at all. "Oh hey honey, while we have sex, I think about someone else and how she'd really enjoy this while you don't..."

Yes, that's understandable. But I kinda have the opposite interpretation about him getting nearly a carbon copy of the toy he got for you: I think it more likely suggests he didn't put much thought into what kind of sex toy to get for her, so he just got one that is very similar to yours.

With the first one, he said he spent time researching. If he put no thought into the current one, he probably would have bought an exact carbon copy. However, he chose a different size, to match her body. Sounds like thought to me.

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Valar Morghulis

I think first toy he bought could have been a "joke" or a "hey your man cant please you all you want here you go" but second one is completly inapropiate no matter how you look at it.

And I dont think the polyamorous perspective is of much relevance in this case cause they arent on a polyamorous relationship.

It seems to me like the second one shows he is thinking about her more than as a joke or friend. not ok.

And him insulting you of course completly out of line, having the nerve of calling you sex negative after all the compromises you do.

bah

/me sets Serran's partner on fire

oops, I may have gone a bit overboard :twisted:

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

He doesn't search my emails or anything. But, he says stuff like "Well, why aren't you dating him?" and stuff (not getting mad, but obviously being insecure), so I have to explain yet again that finding something interesting about someone doesn't mean I want them. He even got all upset over me saying something like "I would love a guy that would cuddle and not want sex, so not all women want sex. There is hope! Don't give up!" on AVEN when some guy posted that he didn't feel like he'd never find a woman that was into cuddling, without wanting sex from it. He said it was flirting.

He has a point.. I also question why you aren't dating someone else :P

Seriously though,

I know I can't talk, having stayed with my ex for 5 years, and also, it's really not my place to say anything, but...I just can't bite my tongue any longer

Honestly Serran, from what I've learned of your partner over the past few days, and how he is making you feel, I am seriously starting to think you can do a lot better. There are ace guys (and plenty of sexual guys too) who would fall over themselves for you, and treat you with dignity, understanding and respect - why stick with this one, who treats you like this? He may not be ''getting mad'' but what I'm seeing here is a shit-load of emotional manipulation, and it's just not cool. Not at all. You're an awesome, intelligent young woman, you don't deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves this. That's just my humble opinion though. :cake:

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dash

I'm prepared to be hated for saying this:

I guess I can't relate to the monogamous thinking anymore, but I don't think there's enough ground to say his intentions aren't monogamous. Sure, it's not normal, but things considered not normal aren't necessarily bad. The way I see it is: He knows this woman has a high sex drive and her husband can't completely satisfy her, so he gave her sex toys for her to enjoy herself. Why does it have to be "he's interested in her orgasms"? Why can't it simply be "he wants to give her a gift that can bring her pleasure"? If I give a friend a video game as a gift, does it mean I must want to watch them play it or play it with them? No. I don't see why sex toys are magically different. I do think the social norm "giving a friend sex toys is weird" reflects a certain degree of sex negativity.

I don't think it necessarily reflects sex negativity as opposed to privacy. For many people, what goes on in the bedroom is between the partners, not about their friends or coworkers. That doesn't make anyone involved "sex negative."

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Tarfeather

I don't think the topic is even relevant. In most societies it's probably not "normal" to buy a friend sex toys. However, it's also not "normal" to be asexual. There's no connection between "normal" and "bad", and as for what's "bad", that's something for you and your partner, not for someone else to decide.

That said, sorry, but I feel that it's not going to lead anywhere if you come here and tell us that your partner is being horrible to you. You're responsible for yourself, and based on the way you're being treated, it seems that the responsible thing to do here might be to dump him. If you can't for some reason, if you need help with any kind of decision making, sure, but just complaining won't get you anywhere, and having a whole bunch of strangers agree that your partner is in the wrong won't actually fix your relationship.

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Skullery Maid

That said, sorry, but I feel that it's a waste of everyone's time if you come here and tell us that your partner is being horrible to you. You're responsible for yourself, and it seems that the responsible thing to do here would be to dump him. If you can't for some reason, if you need help with any kind of decision making, sure, but just complaining won't get you anywhere, and having a whole bunch of strangers agree that your partner is in the wrong won't actually fix your relationship.

That's not fair. Serran didn't just come on here to complain... she's been an active user for years and has provided support, guidance, and information for tons of people who have, actually, just popped in to complain. We know each other and we talk about our lives. That's what we're here for, isn't it, to talk about our (sex) lives??

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Valar Morghulis

Tarfeather :

Serran didnt come here to complain about her partener, she was asking about other people oinion on the matter cause her partner was confusing her by telling her she was overeacting and being sex negative.

So basically she was asking if feeling bad about it was weird or not.

And in any case the only place this topic has to lead is helping Serran so she will be the judge of if the topic is helping her or not.

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Tarfeather

On the "waste of everyone's time", yes, sorry, that was wrong. I edited that out, as you see. Otherwise - if I had a close friend who repeatedly told me about how bad their partner is, I'd tell them the same thing. "Stop complaining unless you actually have an intention to change something about it". It's just not a very healthy thing to do. In effect, I'd become a means for them to keep up doing something that is bad for them(venting their frustration at me, rather than at the person actually responsible).

Furthermore, I really really dislike any kind of conversation which basically just ends up "let's hate on X". It's not constructive, and in my mind it's very reminiscent of bullying(in the sense that a large group of people picks on a single person, even if that person is not directly involved in this case), so it just feels plain ugly to me. Yes, sure, we are being given good reason to criticize her partner, but given that she's voluntarily choosing to continue the relationship, it irks me that this is taking such a tone of victimization.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

I don't think the topic is even relevant. In most societies it's probably not "normal" to buy a friend sex toys. However, it's also not "normal" to be asexual. There's no connection between "normal" and "bad", and as for what's "bad", that's something for you and your partner, not for someone else to decide.

That said, sorry, but I feel that it's not going to lead anywhere/ it's a waste of everyone's time if you come here and tell us that your partner is being horrible to you. You're responsible for yourself, and based on the way you're being treated, it seems that the responsible thing to do here might be to dump him. If you can't for some reason, if you need help with any kind of decision making, sure, but just complaining won't get you anywhere, and having a whole bunch of strangers agree that your partner is in the wrong won't actually fix your relationship.

On the "waste of everyone's time", yes, sorry, that was wrong. I edited that out, as you see. Otherwise - if I had a close friend who repeatedly told me about how bad their partner is, I'd tell them the same thing. "Stop complaining unless you actually have an intention to change something about it". It's just not a very healthy thing to do. In effect, I'd become a means for them to keep up doing something that is bad for them(venting their frustration at me, rather than at the person actually responsible).

Furthermore, I really really dislike any kind of conversation which basically just ends up "let's hate on X". It's not constructive, and in my mind it's very reminiscent of bullying(in the sense that a large group of people picks on a single person, even if that person is not directly involved in this case), so it just feels plain ugly to me. Yes, sure, we are being given good reason to criticize her partner, but given that she's voluntarily choosing to continue the relationship, it irks me that this is taking such a tone of victimization.

Sorry, but I see you discussing issues you are having with your asexual partner, and the state of your relationship etc here. Why do you think you have more right to express distress in regards to aspects of your relationship than Serran does with hers? And Serran made this topic because she was confused that she was being called sex-negative for having an issue with her monogamous sexual partner seemingly having a fascination with this other woman's orgasms and sexual pleasure, not just to ''have a bitch'' abut her relationship. But so what? people come here looking for advice, and you can't get fully informed advice without explaining many aspects of your story in detail. You may have an issue with Serran discussing the problems she is currently having, but many others have been happy to offer her advice and support: As far as I can tell, none of the rest of us see discussing this as ''a waste of time'' or ''not leading anywhere''

And it's extremely, extremely rude to compare asexuality (which is natural for some people, it also occurs naturally in some non-human mammals) to a man buying another woman sex toys without the full consent of his partner when he is in a monogamous relationship.

And why don't you just leave your relationship, instead of coming here to discuss not receiving all the intimacy you feel you need? oh, is it because maybe you want to try and make the relationship work? Is it maybe because you want support in continuing your relationship? Maybe sometimes you just want to vent a little? Maybe you are seeking advice? well maybe that's what Serran wants too. You have no right to judge her as negatively as you just have, just because she appears to be having an extremely negative experience with him regarding this issue. So what are you saying? the worse the issue is, the less right someone has to come here and discuss it? That's just not fair, or even logical.

Others have also addressed feeling that maybe she should leave (I myself said that) but we aren't making out like she should just dump him and get it over with instead of bothering to come here to discuss her relationship, because 'hey, that's not going to get her anywhere'. That's just such an incredibly rude thing to say.

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Martin de V

@ Martin - I can imagine the non-gentle version. ;D

You can? Oh, sweetie, I doubt it...I was on a roll. If you can, though, I'm SO very sorry....

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Skullery Maid

Furthermore, I really really dislike any kind of conversation which basically just ends up "let's hate on X". It's not constructive, and in my mind it's very reminiscent of bullying(in the sense that a large group of people picks on a single person, even if that person is not directly involved in this case), so it just feels plain ugly to me. Yes, sure, we are being given good reason to criticize her partner, but given that she's voluntarily choosing to continue the relationship, it irks me that this is taking such a tone of victimization.

Skullery getting ANGRY.

It's not your place or right to decide who can talk about their partners and how they're required to do so.

Serran doesn't complain and has NEVER played the victim. That some of us (and inappropriately and against serran's wishes) have questioned the relationship is 1) not her fault, and

2) because she's our friend and we care about her so back. The. Fuck. Off.

So what are you saying? the worse the issue is, the less right someone has to come here and discuss it? That's just not fair, or even logical.

But seriously though. Where's the logic in randomly attacking one poster for daring to be unhappy about something?

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Serran

Tarfeather - The topic of if it's normal IS relevant, considering HE basically blamed my asexuality (which, he called "repressed", even though he's not done that since I first "came out" and was supposed to have gotten to the "accepting" part) for not understanding this totally normal sex-healthy activity... which doesn't seem very normal, so yeah, sorry, but that is relevant. Discussing an issue is not "playing the victim" or "complaining about how horrible someone is being". Unless, discussing how your partner won't discuss sex after they come out as asexual is also "playing the victim" and "complaining how horrible someone is being"? Or venting about how the person won't have sex? Or asking for advice on that? I mean, we could go throw that label on every relationship thread on this forum except for the couple that are like "YAY! MY WIFE HAD SEX WITH ME!" ... which are few and far between.

If it truly was a perfectly normal behavior between sexuals, it would have been reassuring cause it wouldn't mean much of anything... however that it is not, unlike what he claims, means not only does he refuse to discuss it, he lied to me and it's further making it seem quite weird. Either that, or he is so far in his own world of sexsexsex, that he literally cannot see how it could possibly be seen as odd to do within a monogamous relationship. Which, is possible. He also thinks nearly the entire population of the world does marijuana, because his own circle everyone smokes it all the time. And he thought The Sims wasn't as popular a video game as it was until I showed him sales figures, because he personally has never heard anyone talk about playing it. He has a really bad habit of getting locked into his own little bubble.

Never once did I ask anyone to insult him. But, I am hardly going to get mad at the people I know and talk to all the time for being against him in this. Because, really, insulting and refusing to even discuss something isn't cool. I also tell that to all the sexuals that say their asexual partner insults them and refuses to discuss the sex issue at all, though... I don't just tell them "Hey, you complaining here isn't doing anything and is bullying, you should just dump them" like you seem to think 80%? of the topics are apparently. Unless, it's ONLY asexuals "complaining" that are bad?

And really, if you dump a nearly 9 year relationship and marriage every time you hit a bump, that's your choice. But, it's not really my only option and I would thank you to not make it out like discussing and getting clarity about an issue is somehow not helpful. My last thread I made Pan had some good advice, the advice of people in here is VERY helpful in working out mixed relationships, in general.

And yes, this seems to be a mixed relationship issue. Because, if I enjoyed sex, I don't think this would even have happened. He's either interested in this person because she can give him something I cannot, I know he's not interested in a relationship with her, cause she has like 5 kids and he doesn't even want one to deal with... or he's got wife envy because his co-worker's wife is high libido and hearing about it is making him seem kind of resentful of the fact I do not like it (what it feels like, anyway). He's been buying sex toys a lot for me after talking to these people, insisting I enjoy something and pretty much just being dismissive and disrespectful of my orientation and feelings on sex completely ONLY after talking to these people. Before he started hanging out around them and discussing their sex lives, he had been doing things like picking up on when I was getting stressed out, backing off about sex, being gentler during, not bombarding me with sex toys and insisting I like them when I say I don't...

I don't want to go attack him and I didn't even say anything or start a fight when he insulted me, I just walked away. But, I do want to understand the situation and try to bring it up in a calm discussion. And to do that, I need to understand his viewpoint a bit. And he shut down talking to him about it. If this was something normal and people do it all the time, I would just not even bring it up and write it off as one more weird thing humans do that I don't get. But, it's not. And to get him to actually TALK about something that is up with him is like pulling teeth. So, I have to get all my own ducks in a row, so to speak, before I can even attempt broaching a topic with him if it's of a sensitive nature.

So, excuse me for not just automatically going "YOU'RE BAD! I AM LEAVING!" and wanting to actually discuss it with people I know, who I know have viewpoints that might be helpful in figuring things out and settling a dispute within my relationship. ;) And it's not as if I can discuss the issue with anyone I know IRL, given saying "I don't like sex" would automatically make anything I said irrelevant and give him license to ... well, do anything because our relationship would be automatically invalid. That's why I am not "out" to anyone.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

If it truly was a perfectly normal behavior between sexuals, it would have been reassuring cause it wouldn't mean much of anything... however that it is not, unlike what he claims, means not only does he refuse to discuss it, he lied to me and it's further making it seem quite weird. Either that, or he is so far in his own world of sexsexsex, that he literally cannot see how it could possibly be seen as odd to do within a monogamous relationship. Which, is possible.

If he would be fine with you buying another man (who you hang out with regularly) a 'rubber vagina' and some warming lubricant to use with it, then a vibrating cock ring or whatever, and taking serious time over choosing what's perfect for the guys 'size', pleasure preferences etc, and giving one to this man for his birthday then one for Christmas.. then I could understand the bolded part.

But if he would NOT be fine with that, and see's it as a seriously not okay thing for you to do, then he clearly also does not think (the way everyone here does not think) that this is normal and acceptable behavior in a monogamous relationship.

Maybe he would be fine with it (?) ..but given how you said you can't even give another man some completely innocent advice without him thinking you're trying to flirt, I do wonder if he maybe wouldn't be extremely offended by you buying another man sex toys? :o

He's been buying sex toys a lot for me after talking to these people, insisting I enjoy something and pretty much just being dismissive and disrespectful of my orientation and feelings on sex completely ONLY after talking to these people. Before he started hanging out around them and discussing their sex lives, he had been doing things like picking up on when I was getting stressed out, backing off about sex, being gentler during, not bombarding me with sex toys and insisting I like them when I say I don't.

I shouldn't have questioned your relationship, I do apologize for that :cake:

I do however get really annoyed when I feel like people are being so seriously disrespected in aspects of their relationship. I just hope the two of you can work through this, because honestly, you shouldn't have to put up with this (his double-standards, refusing to talk openly with you, insisting you must enjoy something when you have clearly stated you don't etc etc) ..He knows you enjoy cuddling, why not just cuddle you to 'get you off' emotionally instead of sexually? Haha, yes I know it's not that simple in mixed relationships, but his behavior I would find very annoying/inappropriate/disrespectful in any relationship, not just a mixed one. (EDIT: that includes poly relationships too; this isn't just an issue because you're mono. It's not just the act - which may be more acceptable in a poly relationship - it's his utter indifference toward discussing your concerns with you, his insulting you, his questioning your orientation by calling you repressed etc.. these things are never okay, no matter who is involved in the relationship!)

So no, that doesn't make it right for me to have suggested you could do better in a partner, but I honestly do believe (as everyone else here does) that you (or anyone in a relationship) deserves to be treated with understanding and respect. I just hope he can find it in himself to at least have enough respect for you to discuss this openly with you, instead of insulting you when you voice your concerns. :cake:

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interpol

Tarfeather - The topic of if it's normal IS relevant, considering HE basically blamed my asexuality (which, he called "repressed", even though he's not done that since I first "came out" and was supposed to have gotten to the "accepting" part) for not understanding this totally normal sex-healthy activity... which doesn't seem very normal, so yeah, sorry, but that is relevant. Discussing an issue is not "playing the victim" or "complaining about how horrible someone is being". Unless, discussing how your partner won't discuss sex after they come out as asexual is also "playing the victim" and "complaining how horrible someone is being"? Or venting about how the person won't have sex? Or asking for advice on that? I mean, we could go throw that label on every relationship thread on this forum except for the couple that are like "YAY! MY WIFE HAD SEX WITH ME!" ... which are few and far between.

If it truly was a perfectly normal behavior between sexuals, it would have been reassuring cause it wouldn't mean much of anything... however that it is not, unlike what he claims, means not only does he refuse to discuss it, he lied to me and it's further making it seem quite weird. Either that, or he is so far in his own world of sexsexsex, that he literally cannot see how it could possibly be seen as odd to do within a monogamous relationship. Which, is possible. He also thinks nearly the entire population of the world does marijuana, because his own circle everyone smokes it all the time. And he thought The Sims wasn't as popular a video game as it was until I showed him sales figures, because he personally has never heard anyone talk about playing it. He has a really bad habit of getting locked into his own little bubble.

In my opinion, it sounds like this is a guy that would benefit from either counseling or a serious attempt at him not having the requisite organs to have sex. No, this is not normal behavior by any stretch of the imagination.

And you, too---- I won't withhold my opinions anymore, because I know you've mentioned him on the boards and in chat.

If you're concerned about all of this and his behavior, which hasn't changed, I'm going to have to agree with Fictosaurus Rex on this one. I will simply say that if you complain about his asinine behavior this much, I'd question why you were attracted to him in the first place.

Just my .02.

Best of luck

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Sally

What it sounds like, Serran (and I know you haven't asked my opinion about this, but anyway), is that he simply behaves however he feels like behaving at any given moment, and you are left to try to figure it out. You control your behavior; he doesn't. That's very hard on you. Un-asked for advice: why don't you try showing less control? Ironically, that sometimes evens out the relationship, at least for a while.

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Serran

The times I have mentioned him at all in chat as complaints have been, twice this year we had arguments that I found really frustrating so mentioned it when someone asked me what was up - once was one that lasted days because I snipped at him, which I shouldn't have and did apologize to him for, but he stayed angry the entire weekend. And the second being him just being angry over who knows what and taking it out on me over his stupid keyboard having a broken key, so someone asked me why I didn't wanna go into the kitchen cause I said I was hungry. But, I don't find those that abnormal of arguments, nor really that serious. Just "frustrated atm" and friends ask, so rather than say "nothing" I say what's up. Sometimes when you are in a long-term relationship you have really stupid arguments. Like, "WHY ON EARTH CAN'T YOU LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT DOWN". lol Which, we don't fight over the toilet seat (though he does sometimes forget to put it down... gr), but we have equally stupid arguments over equally stupid stuff.

Beyond that, I will talk about difficulties when the relationship topic comes up, because the truth is mixed relationships have ups and downs. And I won't sugar coat that, when it's talked about. I can relate to the issues other people have, because yes, he got REALLY angry when asexuality was first found. I can relate to the people who come into chat upset their partner just freaked out on them. But, when I tell them how horrible he was, I also mention it was out of hurt and when people react that way because they were hurt, it's best to try to not take it personally...

I don't see how that's complaining about his asinine behavior a lot. o.O Occasionally, I am going to find every human being frustrating/annoying if I am around them. I also find my pets frustrating at times. That doesn't mean I actually want to get rid of them, it just means they just chewed enough carpet for it to cost me $200 to fix, ate my ethernet cord, my charger, my phone cord, broke down baby gates I had blocking things they can't chew and OMG THE BRATS ARE SO ANNOYING AT TIMES... and if I am talking to a rabbit person, they will get what I mean. If I am talking to someone else in a mixed relationship, they will understand the frustrations of it. And sometimes, they want to hear that other people experienced something beyond all roses and acceptance. Especially when they are having a hard time.

Oh and I guess I mentioned that one time I was thirsty and wanted something to drink, but was getting impatient waiting on him to get dressed... cause he takes over the living room after a shower for like an hour and doesn't want me to see him naked. But, that's like saying "OMG I wish the pizza delivery guy would hurry up, I want pizza!" You're not actually mad at the pizza delivery person, but you do want them to hurry up.

I mean, I also mention he hands me his pillow in the mornings before he leaves for work so I can cuddle it after he leaves. And tucks his blanket around me cause he knows I am always cold. And that he is always bringing me sweets. And that he got me food cause I was too lazy to cook. And that he bought me RAM for my birthday instead of listening to his ignorant co-workers that think all women want clothes. And that we play games together. And that he drove EIGHT hours straight when I said I wanted a parrot, but didn't want to use a local breeder cause I didn't like their ethical practices, so I could use the breeder I thought actually cared about his birds. And that he puts up with having hay in the house, even though he's allergic, cause there is no way I am giving up my bunnies. And that he has enough of a sense of humor to not get upset when the bird escapes and lands on his head during sex with an exclamation of "TURKEY!" right as he's really getting "into it", making us both crack up, instead of getting mad that the bird interrupted sex. Or the other week he managed to cuddle for a little bit, though he said it took all his willpower. Etc, etc, etc...

So, if you compare the times I complain about him to the times I say he did something nice, you'd probably end up with more times I mention he did something cool. But, those don't stand out, cause they don't get as much of a response.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

I really don't see you complain much at all ..sure there are some serious complaints involved with this particular subject, which is totally understandable (I know I'd be spitting venom haha) but maybe other readers got the wrong impression, if this is one of the only threads they have seen of yours?

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Serran

What it sounds like, Serran (and I know you haven't asked my opinion about this, but anyway), is that he simply behaves however he feels like behaving at any given moment, and you are left to try to figure it out. You control your behavior; he doesn't. That's very hard on you. Un-asked for advice: why don't you try showing less control? Ironically, that sometimes evens out the relationship, at least for a while.

I'm sure there are some things he wishes I had better control over. I'm not really into the whole "here is a taste of what you do to me, so you know what it feels like" thing cause it feels a lot like being passive aggressive. I'm sure it works, but it just seems kinda mean to me. If I have to sacrifice my own value/belief system to prove a point, it's probably not worth being proven. :)

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Skullery Maid

Ok, so this thing just happened and now i suddenly see a whole other side to DildoGate.

My partner and I are just kind of sitting here ignoring each other on our separate devices when I start laughing. I tell her that I've been chatting with an old high school friend, Andy, who is back in our hometown for christmas and hanging out with other of our friends. I saw a picture of them at a bar and made a dumb comment about how I noticed how low our friend's shirt was unbuttoned. So Andy sends me a picture of her cleavage and we all laugh and tell olden-day stories and that's that.

Well, apparently that was very disrespectful and my ladyfriend is not super psyched on Skullery right now. But, i maintain that i did nothing wrong and my friends and i find ourselves hilarious, so yeah, i regret nothing!

And, it really meant nothing at all and was only meant to be funny, which it was to the people on the inside of the joke... to people on the outside it looks completely different, i guess.

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Sally

I'm sure there are some things he wishes I had better control over. I'm not really into the whole "here is a taste of what you do to me, so you know what it feels like" thing cause it feels a lot like being passive aggressive. I'm sure it works, but it just seems kinda mean to me. If I have to sacrifice my own value/belief system to prove a point, it's probably not worth being proven. :)

I wasn't really thinking about the effect on him, or "here's a taste...". I was thinking more of the effect on you of not always worrying about how he takes things.

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Serran

Ok, so this thing just happened and now i suddenly see a whole other side to DildoGate.

My partner and I are just kind of sitting here ignoring each other on our separate devices when I start laughing. I tell her that I've been chatting with an old high school friend, Andy, who is back in our hometown for christmas and hanging out with other of our friends. I saw a picture of them at a bar and made a dumb comment about how I noticed how low our friend's shirt was unbuttoned. So Andy sends me a picture of her cleavage and we all laugh and tell olden-day stories and that's that.

Well, apparently that was very disrespectful and my ladyfriend is not super psyched on Skullery right now. But, i maintain that i did nothing wrong and my friends and i find ourselves hilarious, so yeah, i regret nothing!

And, it really meant nothing at all and was only meant to be funny, which it was to the people on the inside of the joke... to people on the outside it looks completely different, i guess.

I don't really see anything wrong with what you did either, though. My partner asked for a picture of dildo woman's boobs and I didn't get upset with him over that (I don't get how it's a funny joke, but whatever, I don't get most humor). He comments on low-cut tops of women in pictures/TVs/movies all the time too, how nice so and sos boobs / body / butt is. What you did sounds pretty harmless, maybe a bit immature, but harmless. Though, if she finds it upsetting, I'm sure a talk about it is in your future. :)

I'm sure there are some things he wishes I had better control over. I'm not really into the whole "here is a taste of what you do to me, so you know what it feels like" thing cause it feels a lot like being passive aggressive. I'm sure it works, but it just seems kinda mean to me. If I have to sacrifice my own value/belief system to prove a point, it's probably not worth being proven. :)

I wasn't really thinking about the effect on him, or "here's a taste...". I was thinking more of the effect on you of not always worrying about how he takes things.

Ah. Well, if it's something I find important, like being able to speak freely on here - I will stand up for the ability to do it. Though, I still care about his reaction to it, so we talk and I assure him that really that is NOT flirting. And no the skype group is NOT a bunch of guys hitting on me. And no Titania is NOT a guy, it's perfectly OK for me to plan to run away to Hawaii with her. :lol: Because... if I care about someone, I worry about their negative reactions to something. That may not mean I will always alter my behavior, but I can at least take time to hear their concern and assure them that their worries and fears are not rooted in the reality of my thoughts/feelings/the situation. I don't think I have it in me to just not worry about it at all and do whatever I want without at least soothing his insecurities about it.

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Skullery Maid

I don't really see anything wrong with what you did either, though. My partner asked for a picture of dildo woman's boobs and I didn't get upset with him over that (I don't get how it's a funny joke, but whatever, I don't get most humor). He comments on low-cut tops of women in pictures/TVs/movies all the time too, how nice so and sos boobs / body / butt is. What you did sounds pretty harmless, maybe a bit immature, but harmless. Though, if she finds it upsetting, I'm sure a talk about it is in your future. :)

Of course it was immature... that was kind of the point. But no talks, it was just a quick glare, which seems about right. :)

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Serran

I don't really see anything wrong with what you did either, though. My partner asked for a picture of dildo woman's boobs and I didn't get upset with him over that (I don't get how it's a funny joke, but whatever, I don't get most humor). He comments on low-cut tops of women in pictures/TVs/movies all the time too, how nice so and sos boobs / body / butt is. What you did sounds pretty harmless, maybe a bit immature, but harmless. Though, if she finds it upsetting, I'm sure a talk about it is in your future. :)

Of course it was immature... that was kind of the point. But no talks, it was just a quick glare, which seems about right. :)

Haha the "death glare" ? :D I can see a glare being enough punishment for a joke she finds in poor taste.

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Skullery Maid

Haha the "death glare" ? :D I can see a glare being enough punishment for a joke she finds in poor taste.

Also she sent a pic of her boobs to a friend for her birthday, so there's no room for any real upsettedness.

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