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Serran

Is this something normal for sexuals?

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Serran

OK, I am totally weirded out atm. But, I don't know if this is a "normal" behavior or not...

Bit TMI : Talk of sex toys

My partner's co-worker got married. For a wedding present, he bought the man's wife a vibrator. Was weird, felt like he was putting a lot of thought into another woman's orgasmic pleasure... but I expressed my discomfort, but didn't interfere cause OK, whatever. I don't want to be controlling. Then, after she got it, she told him it was the best present anyone has ever gotten her. And then he suggested he get one for me, which ... I absolutely refused, that's mixing our sex lives and theirs way, way, way too much.

But, now for Christmas, he bought this same woman a dildo. And not just any dildo either, the same brand, color, texture, but a slightly different size to the one he uses on me (that I don't like, but doesn't hurt, so I let him). So, what, he was having sex with me and went "Oh, hey, I bet this other woman I know would really love this toy..." ?

Is it normal for every special occasion a heterosexual person buying a person of the opposite gender a new sex toy that they think will give them an even greater orgasm?

It's really starting to feel like he's got an entirely too much of an interest in this other woman's orgasms. And now, the idea of him using that sex toy we have on me is just making my skin crawl because he linked the two by buying her nearly a copy of it. *shudder*

He says I am being sex-negative by having an issue with this and being "sexually repressed".

So, is this normal every day no big deal to most people heterosexual behavior between two married, monogamous people? So far, it's been two special occasions in a row. I mean, I don't have a problem with him flirting with other women cause he's got a flirty nature, but... this... this is starting to bug me. :s

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Skullery Maid

Not normal.

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CBC

LOL!

No, of course that's not normal. It's weird as hell.

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ThaHoward

The fact that the dildos are the same doesn't need to mean anything, maybe he think that it works good and is a nice present? Do he usually buy sex toys to other women? What do he say about it? How well do he know them? Maybe he want to help them somehow or make practical jokes?

Anyway, if you're really concerned about I think you should talk to him about it. It is too many factors and possible reasons for us to really give good advices, the only good advice I can come with is to talk to him and exprss your concerns.

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Mx.Jekyll

When you were talking about discussions of sex toys, that didn't seem weird...but for your partner to buy another person's partner a toy and then buy another similar to yours, that would definitely bother me. That is very strange and you have every right to be uncomfortable with that. Maybe there really isn't a motive behind it other than simply wanting to help their sex life or whatever, but it's still very strange.

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Skullery Maid

It's really starting to feel like he's got an entirely too much of an interest in this other woman's orgasms.

-- Agreed here as well.

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Serran

The fact that the dildos are the same doesn't need to mean anything, maybe he think that it works good and is a nice present? Do he usually buy sex toys to other women? What do he say about it?

Anyway, if you're really concerned about I think you should talk to him about it.

No, he's never bought sex toys for anyone before, except me. And he says "Most people enjoy sex and are comfortable with it, so buying sex toys is no big deal and they enjoy them. People who enjoy sex and are not sexually repressed and think no one should enjoy sex don't think buying sex toys is a bad thing and will appreciate the gift." ... not exact quote but close enough to what he said. So, not only is he buying these for another woman, he's also insulting me in defending it when all I asked was who he bought it for, but was obviously uncomfortable with it and he knew I was uncomfortable with the last one. :s

And on top of it being weird, this is a woman he has lunch with (with her husband) quite a lot and I know is his match in libido (she wants sex multiple times a day and has said her husband can't keep up with her) and he appreciates her sense of humor (which, he says I have none). After he started talking to this person, he started buying "us" multiple sex toys. I already feel like he kinda wishes I could be more like her. So, yeah...

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ThaHoward

That complicates things a little bit. You can either see how it plays out (perhaps he's not intersted but only jesting, or the possible interest fades away) or you talk to him about it and express early on that you are concerned and it means a lot to you. What yoi want to do is up to you, and sadly neither of us can know what the answer is :/ Personally I would have talked to him about it. Hopefully it wilø be okay, good luck! :)

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- Ętc -

I'd find it weird, and I think most would - not just asexuals. Not the sex toys entirely, but his fixation on this particular person. You should at least be able to talk about it without him calling you repressed or sex-negative - communication and honesty are pretty important in a relationship, and so is being able to express yourself and your concerns without judgement, defensiveness, hostility, and criticism.

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Serran

Talking to him about it is easier said than done, when even asking who he bought it for causes defensive insulting ...

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dash

OK, I am totally weirded out atm. But, I don't know if this is a "normal" behavior or not...

Bit TMI : Talk of sex toys

My partner's co-worker got married. For a wedding present, he bought the man's wife a vibrator. Was weird, felt like he was putting a lot of thought into another woman's orgasmic pleasure... but I expressed my discomfort, but didn't interfere cause OK, whatever. I don't want to be controlling. Then, after she got it, she told him it was the best present anyone has ever gotten her. And then he suggested he get one for me, which ... I absolutely refused, that's mixing our sex lives and theirs way, way, way too much.

But, now for Christmas, he bought this same woman a dildo. And not just any dildo either, the same brand, color, texture, but a slightly different size to the one he uses on me (that I don't like, but doesn't hurt, so I let him). So, what, he was having sex with me and went "Oh, hey, I bet this other woman I know would really love this toy..." ?

Is it normal for every special occasion a heterosexual person buying a person of the opposite gender a new sex toy that they think will give them an even greater orgasm?

It's really starting to feel like he's got an entirely too much of an interest in this other woman's orgasms. And now, the idea of him using that sex toy we have on me is just making my skin crawl because he linked the two by buying her nearly a copy of it. *shudder*

He says I am being sex-negative by having an issue with this and being "sexually repressed".

So, is this normal every day no big deal to most people heterosexual behavior between two married, monogamous people? So far, it's been two special occasions in a row. I mean, I don't have a problem with him flirting with other women cause he's got a flirty nature, but... this... this is starting to bug me. :s

This is creepy.

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CBC

^^ It really is. 'Creepy' is the first word that came to mind for me.

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dash

Talking to him about it is easier said than done, when even asking who he bought it for causes defensive insulting ...

And this is the problem, yes. This is not a healthy reply if he has nothing to be defensive about.

Also, you are being "sex negative" for not wanting your monogamous partner to buy another woman sex toys? What?! No, you're just expressing concerns that his intentions aren't monogamous.

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Skullery Maid

Talking to him about it is easier said than done, when even asking who he bought it for causes defensive insulting ...

And this is the problem, yes. This is not a healthy reply if he has nothing to be defensive about.

Also, you are being "sex negative" for not wanting your monogamous partner to buy another woman sex toys? What?! No, you're just expressing concerns that his intentions aren't monogamous.

Which, I feel like, they clearly aren't... ?

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CrowWakes

I would recommend you lock your doors at night and never talk to the guy again cause... I dont know anything about sexual culture and can tell that thats just wrong and creepy

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Serran

Talking to him about it is easier said than done, when even asking who he bought it for causes defensive insulting ...

And this is the problem, yes. This is not a healthy reply if he has nothing to be defensive about.

Also, you are being "sex negative" for not wanting your monogamous partner to buy another woman sex toys? What?! No, you're just expressing concerns that his intentions aren't monogamous.

Which, I feel like, they clearly aren't... ?

Yeah, it's not really feeling like a "monogamous relationship" type thing to me either. :s I mean, if it was a bachelor/bachelorette party gift as a one-off... maybe. But, CHRISTMAS? And two events in a row? And nearly a carbon copy of the same sex toy he bought me? I mean... that's like 3 really odd things to me. :s

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Skullery Maid

My very first thought was "he's already fucked her." Which doesn't mean anything because I know nothing, but yeah. That was my reaction.

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Martin de V

How to put this gently....

FUCK NO, it's not normal.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

This actually pissed me right off lol.. especially taking into consideration the amount of effort you go to to please him (even if you didn't do that for him though, his behavior is still completely inappropriate).. it's not only creepy and inappropriate, but.. to become agitated at you when you try to talk about it? Not cool. And calling you sex negative? After everything you do for him? Wow you know how you said you wanted to slap my ex? I feel a bit like doing that to your partner right now lol.

I mean, even in an open relationship (which yours clearly isnt) the couple still speaks openly and respectfully to each other about concerns etc, right? He's not even giving you that one small thing, being able to talk openly about this at least. Grr


I'm not saying your partner is a cheater but his fascination with other women's orgasms sounds a lot like my ex (though he actually gave them the orgasms himself instead of buying them sex toys) .. I gave him sex all the time, but I couldn't orgasm due to having no enjoyment of the sex, and he resented me for that. Being able to give a woman an orgasm was a huge thing for him, and because I couldn't do that, he went elsewhere to get it. It was the orgasm itself he seemed to have a fascination with, as opposed to the women he had sex with. Your partner evidently isn't as extreme as my ex, but his fascination with another woman's pleasure, despite all the effort you go to to give him pleasure, just reminds me of that particular situation (orgasm fascination) in my ex.

Ugh. All the other replies here seem to sum up my feelings on this pretty well though.

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dash

Totally not-serious, totally sarcastic suggestion:

Buy one for his mom and see how "sex negative" and "repressed" he is about it when he finds this inappropriate.

/end snark/

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Serran

Totally not-serious, totally sarcastic suggestion:

Buy one for his mom and see how "sex negative" and "repressed" he is about it when he finds this inappropriate.

/end snark/

Heh, I don't think that'd actually work, given his mom is... extremely sexual, open and he brags about how many women she's slept with. Probably neither of them would find it inappropriate o.O

I don't think he's actually done anything with her. They have lunch with her husband, other times they've been together have been in his work office (his co-worker is allowed to bring his wife and his kids to the office). He comes straight home from work and doesn't really go out anywhere. So, the time schedules don't seem to line up with any oddities of an hour or so of cheating. But, it certainly doesn't seem like appropriate levels of platonic interest in a friend's sex life, either. It'd be like me buying a guy a fleshlight for his birthday, then buying him anal beads for Christmas, while regularly hanging out with him. I would expect any guy I was in a monogamous relationship with to be pretty upset with me if I did that, especially if I did that without even DISCUSSING IT with him first.

@ Pan - Heh, I kinda wanted to slap him when he called me repressed and negative as well. I don't care what other people do in their own bedrooms and I do A LOT I don't even wanna do in my own. :s

@ Martin - I can imagine the non-gentle version. ;D

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Down in Texas

I agree it is Not Normal !!

I would never think of buying a toy for any of my friends no matter how close of a friend they were let alone one of the opposite sex!!!

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dash

Totally not-serious, totally sarcastic suggestion:

Buy one for his mom and see how "sex negative" and "repressed" he is about it when he finds this inappropriate.

/end snark/

Heh, I don't think that'd actually work, given his mom is... extremely sexual, open and he brags about how many women she's slept with. Probably neither of them would find it inappropriate o.O

Geez Louise.

I know a lot of interesting characters, but none who brag about the sexual exploits of their parents!

Maybe in his world, the gifts really are appropriate, even if most of the rest of the world wouldn't feel the same way.

Maybe in the family he was raised in, this really IS normal! I'm thinking about this now, a culture where it's considered sex negative, and insensitive, not to buy others the sex toys they want, even if you're not in a relationship with them. ...OK, I can see that. It's entirely new to me, but I can see that.

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Skullery Maid

Totally not-serious, totally sarcastic suggestion:

Buy one for his mom and see how "sex negative" and "repressed" he is about it when he finds this inappropriate.

/end snark/

Heh, I don't think that'd actually work, given his mom is... extremely sexual, open and he brags about how many women she's slept with. Probably neither of them would find it inappropriate o.O

Geez Louise.

I know a lot of interesting characters, but none who brag about the sexual exploits of their parents!

Maybe in his world, the gifts really are appropriate, even if most of the rest of the world wouldn't feel the same way.

The only problem being that a family hardly constitutes culture the same way living in another country would... my family had their own "stuff" too, but since I exist in the world and see other people, i'm aware of how to properly conduct myself with others.

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dash

Totally not-serious, totally sarcastic suggestion:

Buy one for his mom and see how "sex negative" and "repressed" he is about it when he finds this inappropriate.

/end snark/

Heh, I don't think that'd actually work, given his mom is... extremely sexual, open and he brags about how many women she's slept with. Probably neither of them would find it inappropriate o.O

Geez Louise.

I know a lot of interesting characters, but none who brag about the sexual exploits of their parents!

Maybe in his world, the gifts really are appropriate, even if most of the rest of the world wouldn't feel the same way.

The only problem being that a family hardly constitutes culture the same way living in another country would... my family had their own "stuff" too, but since I exist in the world and see other people, i'm aware of how to properly conduct myself with others.

Oh, sure, I'm just trying to understand where he's coming from and what his thought process might be. It's not an excuse to shame the OP.

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butterflydreams

^^ It really is. 'Creepy' is the first word that came to mind for me.

Ditto. I'd like to think that my friends are some of the weirdest, strangest people based on evidence and experience alone, but this seems far beyond what they would do or have ever done.

I'm sorry I don't have much else to offer in terms of what to do. (Treading softly into new territory that is this part of the forum)

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Skullery Maid

I'm sorry I don't have much else to offer in terms of what to do. (Treading softly into new territory that is this part of the forum)

We don't really tread softly here... feel free to stomp around :D (and, welcome!)

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Serran

I'm sorry I don't have much else to offer in terms of what to do. (Treading softly into new territory that is this part of the forum)

We don't really tread softly here... feel free to stomp around :D (and, welcome!)

Stomp around in big, heavy boots ;D

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Notte stellata

I'm prepared to be hated for saying this:

I guess I can't relate to the monogamous thinking anymore, but I don't think there's enough ground to say his intentions aren't monogamous. Sure, it's not normal, but things considered not normal aren't necessarily bad. The way I see it is: He knows this woman has a high sex drive and her husband can't completely satisfy her, so he gave her sex toys for her to enjoy herself. Why does it have to be "he's interested in her orgasms"? Why can't it simply be "he wants to give her a gift that can bring her pleasure"? If I give a friend a video game as a gift, does it mean I must want to watch them play it or play it with them? No. I don't see why sex toys are magically different. I do think the social norm "giving a friend sex toys is weird" reflects a certain degree of sex negativity.

However, he does seem to be comparing you with this woman and hoping you to be more like her, and that would make me uncomfortable as well. And his refusal to talk about it with you is a bigger red flag than the act of buying sex toys for her.

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Skullery Maid

I'm prepared to be hated for saying this:

I guess I can't relate to the monogamous thinking anymore, but I don't think there's enough ground to say his intentions aren't monogamous. Sure, it's not normal, but things that are considered not normal aren't necessarily bad.

You're completely right... there aren't enough grounds at all. All I have is a "gut feeling". But, my gut feelings about people re: sex have a decent accuracy rate. The fact that he's trying so hard NOT to hide it makes me feel even more strongly about it, oddly.

Sex toys are magically different for a few reasons... i mean, i don't want to be too gross, but there are certain things you just don't pick out for your friends, and considering the shape and preferences of the inside of my body definitely counts as one of those things. Like Hadley said, my friends and I are ABSURDLY SEXUAL but we would never buy one member of a couple a dildo. I dunno.

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