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tryingtobeabetterme, December 5, 2014 in For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies
Well, if she is asexual there may be some acts or situations that she is never truly comfortable with... and that may be something you will have to understand (I think her receiving might fall under this). I think it's one of the hardest things when what you see as loving someone is not what your partner prefers as "love". (I don't suppose you've ever heard of the different love styles?) Find out what kinds of things she sees as "acts" of you showing that you love her and see if you can start viewing that as your way to "make love" to her if that makes sense...
Here's a link to the concept I'm talking about:
Also, I'm not sure exactly what you've tried to discuss with her, so what I suggest may be something you've already tried but, see if you can find out what kind of "intimacies" or varieties of nakedness she might be open to and what she absolutely is not comfortable with. If you can find some middle ground there you could feel closer to her and she won't be put too far out of her comfort zone.
I've asked her if she ever gets physically aroused and she says she's just not comfortable with seeing herself naked or having someone else go down on her. She doesn't like any type of contact
**A little bit of ...TMI
Anything to do with breasts or along those lines...she's just not into. But she LOVES sex with me- just not for herself? Something tells me it's the incident that happened since it wasn't long ago at all and she just brushed over what happened.
Thank you so much for this...I'm crying as I type this because it's difficult to want to help or want to learn but not knowing where to start and there's times where I put up my walls and I shut down and it's...she feels so far away sometimes.
My incident makes me want more physical attention because I want to forget what happened and her incident makes her not want any (well I presume)
I've seen people call us sexuals "selfish" and inconsiderate but I'm trying. We're all trying.
So thank you.
Honestly, if she doesn't think that her previous bad experience has anything to do with her sex-repulsion, then you should take her word for it. If she didn't ask you to help her, then don't feel like you have to do that, because she might not need help at all. She may just be an asexual who doesn't want anyone touching her sexually. Sounds like she's stone, meaning she only likes or is comfortable with giving sexual touch, not receiving it--and that's a term out of the lesbian community originally, so maybe you're aware of it already.
As an asexual, I don't understand why her pleasuring you sexually isn't enough to satisfy you. I mean, I get intellectually that there's some kind of satisfaction in pleasing a partner that doesn't have anything to do with your own physical pleasure, but it's not like you're having to deal with sexual frustration from not getting laid at all. And if she's pleasing you enthusiastically, not just indifferently, that's even better than what the situation could be.
If you feel guilty because you think that receiving sex without giving it back makes you a bad lover or selfish or something, you really do need to just get over it in this context. You can't treat an asexual the way you treat a fellow sexual person. Asexuals don't think or feel about sex the way you do and can't. I promise, she's not secretly resentful that she doesn't get any sexual pleasure in return for what she gives you, and if she had a problem with sexually satisfying you, I imagine she'd mention it or not act so happy about doing it. She can reassure you all day long, but at the end of the day, you're the only one who can let go of any guilt you might be feeling.
There are asexuals around here who have no libido, who don't get aroused, who don't orgasm, and they're having sex on a regular basis just to please their romantic partner. And they don't hate it or anything but it's pure service sex. Physically, there's no pleasure, and emotionally, it might be kinda nice sometimes but other times, it's just like, "meh, I'd rather be doing something else, but whatever." And there is nothing that anyone can do to change that experience for them. So don't assume that even if your girlfriend allowed you to sexually touch her, that it would do anything for her anyway physically or emotionally. There's a good chance it'd just be about your gratification, in this case emotional. For the most part, sex is not some unique, magical emotional experience for asexuals, even when they orgasm or physically enjoy it. It doesn't make them love their partners more or feel more secure or wanted or any of that. It's something they don't need and usually don't even want, and any emotional gratification they get out of it, is about their partner being pleased.
You say you want intimacy, but sex and intimacy are not mutually inclusive. Nonsexual intimacy is a thing. And that's the intimacy your girlfriend values most anyway, if she's asexual. She may very well view sex with you as intimate, but it's certainly not a form of intimacy she needs or depends on that can't be substituted with something else.
I guess my bottom line is, you can ask an asexual to have sex with you, but you can't make us experience it the way you do. You can't expect us to feel the way you do about it. We can't and we never will.
My advice is to accept your girlfriend's sexual attention as a gift, appreciate it wholeheartedly, and let it be what it is. Don't put the whole category of Intimacy on sex. There's a whole lot of intimacy outside of it. If you want or need more clarity from her, you should sit her down and get her to talk to you. Tell her it's important to you, that you understand where she's coming from. Do your best to believe what she tells you, and drop the guilt and the sense that you should be reciprocating because that's what is supposed to happen. You have to relate to your girlfriend as a unique individual and leave all those general rules about romantic relationships and sex at the door.
I see that I wasn't clear enough about my statement so im just going to forget about it. Thanks anyway I guess- I'll handle it myself.