IanH Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I can relate to this. Most pornography is boring as hell. Link to post Share on other sites
Dodecahedron314 Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Not specifically an ace joke, but...I spent the weekend with an ex-roommate, helping her fix up her apartment: yesterday she was struggling to hang posters and frustrated to the point that she no longer spoke english.Her: I can't do straight things! I can't make it straight!Me: I have that problem all the time.Her: *throws a couch pillow at my head.* Not necessarily a joke, or specifically ace, but just something funny that's kind of in the same realm that I remember a bi friend of mine saying when she walked into the school bathroom and encountered a girl straightening her hair: "That's not really necessary, your hair is already straighter than I am." Link to post Share on other sites
Lover Of Cats And Cake Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 What three little words does every asexual girl want to hear? I bought cake! Link to post Share on other sites
Sleepy Skeleton Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 What three little words does every asexual girl want to hear? I bought cake! "I have pets." Link to post Share on other sites
Skippy Squirrel Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 What three little words does every asexual girl want to hear? I bought cake! Bought? I think you mean baked! Link to post Share on other sites
Honey_Badger Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 What three little words does every asexual girl want to hear? I bought cake! "I have pets." "Dogs or Cats?" Link to post Share on other sites
Lover Of Cats And Cake Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I'm not MC Hammer, but you still can't touch this Link to post Share on other sites
BlurredTheLines Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Was digging through imgur when I found this: its a captioned image that reads "We're all just trying to fuck, stop pretending your sexual orientation makes you special". The top comment: "The asexuals aren't". I laughed quite heartily. Link to post Share on other sites
Dodecahedron314 Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Another transcribed Tumblr post: *looks at poster on wall* "That's not straight." *looks at reflection in mirror* "Neither is that." Link to post Share on other sites
booksaremysexlife Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 One of my pansexual friends, explaining her sexuality, said: "I don't give a fuck" I put my hand on her shoulder and said: "Then wouldn't you be asexual?" We laughed our heads off. Link to post Share on other sites
Emerald Green Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 What do you call a witch who can't jinx people? Ahexual. Link to post Share on other sites
Katalyst13 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 When I tell people I'm asexual, I often get that one stupid question: "doesn't that mean you reproduce with yourself?" I have come up with the most smartass remark: "Yes! My hair falls out and turns into fluffy little gremlins! Wanna see?" I then proceed to show them pictures of my dog. Link to post Share on other sites
scarletlatitude Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 'My anaconda will consider it' 'My anaconda has, upon review of the information presented with it’s partners, decided that it, in fact, does not. My anaconda apologizes for any inconvenience this may cause and thanks you for your time.' :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: I just found this thread and laughed so hard at that, and now my cats are looking at me like I've lost my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
nerdperson777 Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 When I tell people I'm asexual, I often get that one stupid question: "doesn't that mean you reproduce with yourself?" I have come up with the most smartass remark: "Yes! My hair falls out and turns into fluffy little gremlins! Wanna see?" I then proceed to show them pictures of my dog. Reminds me when I had to do this one activity in a theatre class I took two years ago. So you and another person are partners. You each get a piece of paper with a scenario on it but you can't tell the other. So mine said that I had to tell her that her boyfriend is cheating on her with another girl. We got to discuss vaguely what we would do when we get up there, without saying what our scenario was, like a location and other things. So when we did get up there, it turned out that her scenario was that I stole her boyfriend. Being the shy defensive person I am, it became more of be trying to convince her that it wasn't me. My idea ended up being that I took a picture of the boyfriend with the other girl. I ended up showing her my picture of a badly drawn Mudkip that my apartmentmates laughed at. Link to post Share on other sites
Destan Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Well it's not a asexual joke but I still laugh at this one :lol: Link to post Share on other sites
Morning Glory Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Omg! I absolutely love this topic! I laughed so much! I liked so many posts and I saved so many jokes! I shall follow the $#!t out of this topic! Ah~ really... Anyways! I don't really have an jokes per say (at least not yet, because now I will be thinking of them), or... I guess it is? I dunno, I'll let you guys decide! My mom actually thought of this one and this was before either of us knew I was asexual or that asexuality was even a thing! Okay so my mom looked at me after we just feasted on seafood and laughed. She told me the scenario that came to her mind: So I'm on the beach with my friends. We're all just chilling and enjoying ourselves. Then my female friends start checking out the guys; commenting on their butts and what not. Then something catches my eye and I speak up "oh! Look at the legs on that one! I would love to just smother them in butter!" To which all of my friends turn to look, shocked, but they see no guy... Then they notice a crab walking along the sand. Link to post Share on other sites
EricK Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Omg! I absolutely love this topic! I laughed so much! I liked so many posts and I saved so many jokes! I shall follow the $#!t out of this topic! Ah~ really... Anyways! I don't really have an jokes per say (at least not yet, because now I will be thinking of them), or... I guess it is? I dunno, I'll let you guys decide! My mom actually thought of this one and this was before either of us knew I was asexual or that asexuality was even a thing! Okay so my mom looked at me after we just feasted on seafood and laughed. She told me the scenario that came to her mind: So I'm on the beach with my friends. We're all just chilling and enjoying ourselves. Then my female friends start checking out the guys; commenting on their butts and what not. Then something catches my eye and I speak up "oh! Look at the legs on that one! I would love to just smother them in butter!" To which all of my friends turn to look, shocked, but they see no guy... Then they notice a crab walking along the sand. Because for an asexual, getting crabs is a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Morning Glory Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Because for an asexual, getting crabs is a good thing.I have crabs too! They're in a tank with their little shells~ I feed them and everything! XDMy mom always likes to joke about my hermit crabs! Speaking of which! I told her some of these jokes and she found them almost as amusing as I did! She especially liked the mahogany night stand joke! But she'd rather cherry wood, herself. Link to post Share on other sites
EricK Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Because for an asexual, getting crabs is a good thing.I have crabs too! They're in a tank with their little shells~ I feed them and everything! XDMy mom always likes to joke about my hermit crabs! Speaking of which! I told her some of these jokes and she found them almost as amusing as I did! She especially liked the mahogany night stand joke! But she'd rather cherry wood, herself. I don't have any hermit crabs, but I am a crabby hermit - so that's almost the same. Link to post Share on other sites
AceInhibitor Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 Not specifically an ace joke, but... I spent the weekend with an ex-roommate, helping her fix up her apartment: yesterday she was struggling to hang posters and frustrated to the point that she no longer spoke english. Her: I can't do straight things! I can't make it straight! Me: I have that problem all the time. Her: *throws a couch pillow at my head.* Not necessarily a joke, or specifically ace, but just something funny that's kind of in the same realm that I remember a bi friend of mine saying when she walked into the school bathroom and encountered a girl straightening her hair: "That's not really necessary, your hair is already straighter than I am." I had this when I made the foolish decision to drink straight vodka (actually the night went very well and I wasn't a mess and it was fine. It was nice vodka actually, but it would've tasted nicer if I hadn't had a massive lemonade craving and drunk all my lemonade the night before) prompting me to message my friends going 'This vodka is straighter than me' Link to post Share on other sites
AceInhibitor Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 Aw I forgot about this! In light of the recent 'Netflix and chill' crap (which just makes me angry why would you take something so beautiful and ruin it by making it a euphemism for sex. Just say you're going to have sex)Most of these aren't mine'Netflix and kill''Netflix and if you want sex the only chilling you'll be doing is your body in my freezer''Netflix and chilli''Netflix and chill? No, Netflix and bills' Link to post Share on other sites
Skippy Squirrel Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 'Netflix and if you want sex the only chilling you'll be doing is your body in my freezer' Ooh I like this one! This one's brilliant! Link to post Share on other sites
witchjack Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 "what if humans were just like some animals and we had a mating season just imagine everyone getting really horny for just a month, schools would close, businesses would close. and everyone is just fucking and fighting each other out in the streets #the asexuals are what keeps the economy from collapsing during this trying time "Damn it, it cant be that time again" "Yeah I know. You lock the doors I’ll go call the others" ha! for some reason this reminds of the purge! Link to post Share on other sites
witchjack Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 All I can think of is there is an ace is this space! (yanno i am here and queer?) Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 In light of the recent 'Netflix and chill' crap (which just makes me angry why would you take something so beautiful and ruin it by making it a euphemism for sex. Just say you're going to have sex) Lol I spoke with some co-workers today (all of them straight and assumed sexuals) and asked what they think by "Netflix and chill" with the chick being similar to me in only wanting Netflix and to relax, but the two dudes saying it means sex. Love your replacements though. Let me share this adorable picture with you: Link to post Share on other sites
sajastar Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 When people ask "what do I find attractive?" I just say "sorry, I don't swing that way." I don't swing; I mostly just sit there. Link to post Share on other sites
AceInhibitor Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 In light of the recent 'Netflix and chill' crap (which just makes me angry why would you take something so beautiful and ruin it by making it a euphemism for sex. Just say you're going to have sex) Lol I spoke with some co-workers today (all of them straight and assumed sexuals) and asked what they think by "Netflix and chill" with the chick being similar to me in only wanting Netflix and to relax, but the two dudes saying it means sex. Love your replacements though. Let me share this adorable picture with you: Yeah that makes sense, a male friend of mine assumed that when I said I was watching DVDs with my friend, that we were having sex. Nope, we needed to catch up on Game of Thrones. That photo is cute, the kind of Netflix and chill I need in my life Link to post Share on other sites
SorryNotSorry Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Q: how can you pick out an asexual man in a nudist colony? A: it's not hard. Holy crap... 74 likes... I guess it's safe to assume that one was funny? Link to post Share on other sites
BR2925 (Sunfish) Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Asexual pirates are not interested in your... BOOTY!!!! Anyone get it??? No???? Okay I'll just sit int he corner over here... Link to post Share on other sites
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