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Asexual jokes?


AceInhibitor

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Q: how can you pick out an asexual man in a nudist colony?

A: it's not hard.

Which reminded me of this:

Q: Is it difficult to get an asexual to come to bed with you?

A: No. Piece of cake.

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Person: asexuality is fake

Me: did you hear that

Person: what

Me: it was me asking for your opinion

Person: I dont hear anything

Me: exactly

"You're too hott to be ace/aro!"

Yeah, and you're too annoying to still be breathing, yet here we are.

(These are from twitter)

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My AVEN meet for non-libidoists was a total failure, nobody came.

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I just took a sexuality test.

I aced it.

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Haha, I wouldn't exactly say this is a joke, but it's pretty funny nonetheless. So I found this meme...

tumblr_nisp2vAQdV1tlgddwo1_500.jpg

and it reminded me of this personality test that I took for AP Psych and I got a 0% for sexuality... I totally ACED it! But... it's a 0%, shouldn't that be an F? Nope... ACED it!

I just took a sexuality test.

I aced it.

Is it so hard to read the previous page? ;)

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Frozen Fairy

I had this one night stand and I felt bad.

So I got another one for the other side of the bed.

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Randomchaos

What do you call male, homoromantic, asexual porn?
BBC's Sherlock.

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Gumby Jellybeans III

I'm surprised this one hasn't come up yet, but;

Q: You're asexual?! How do you cope?

A: I don't give a f*ck.

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Found this joke on Reddit a couple of days ago, thought you guys might appreciate it:

There is a hurricane one day. A ship goes down and is lost. A man finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to five-star hotels, this guy has no idea what to do, so for the next four months he eats bananas, drinks coconut juice and longs for his old life. He fixes his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he is lying on the beach, he spots a movement out of the corner of his eye. It's a rowboat, and in it is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen. She rows up to him.

In disbelief, he asks her, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

'I rowed from the other side of the island,' she says. 'I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he says. 'I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.'

'It's only me,' she says, 'and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did.'

He is confused. 'Then how did you get the rowboat?'

'Oh, simple,' replies the woman. 'I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. I whittled the oars from the gumtree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a coconut tree.'

'B-b-but that's impossible,' stutters the man. 'You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replies the woman. 'On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into the forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that,' she says. 'Where do you live?'

Sheepishly, he confesses that he has been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

'Well, let's row over to my place then,' she says.

After a few minutes of rowing she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to the shore he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only state ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?'

'No, no thank you,' he says, still dazed. 'I can't take any more coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' the woman replies. 'I have a still. How about a pina colada?'

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?' There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There in the cabinet is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons him over to sit down next o her.

'Tell me,' she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'we have been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know...'

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he is hearing.

'You mean?' he replies, '...I can check Reddit from here?'

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Dodecahedron314

Transcript of a Tumblr post I came across a few days ago:

tiredrussian:

Asexual bases

First base: holding hands

Second base: ritual sacrifice

Third base: joining the illuminati and becoming the masterminds behind governments and corporations

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Transcript of a Tumblr post I came across a few days ago:

tiredrussian:

Asexual bases

First base: holding hands

Second base: ritual sacrifice

Third base: joining the illuminati and becoming the masterminds behind governments and corporations

I prefer a slightly different system:

Base 1:

111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

Base 2:

1001110102

Base 3:

1021223

Base 4:

103224

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Skippy Squirrel

Base 2:

1001110102

Is it bad that I just worked out in my head what that number is in base 10?

It's 314, right?

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Base 2:

1001110102

Is it bad that I just worked out in my head what that number is in base 10?

It's 314, right?

No. What's bad is you only worked it out for the base 2 number!

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Dodecahedron314

It's 314, right?

Yes. I chose this number because of

20px-Dodecahedron.jpg's username ;)

And here I thought playing endless games of 2048 was useless, and that I would only rarely use the resulting ability to convert between binary and decimal in my head outside of the digital technology topic in IB HL Physics. ;) I've got a long flight coming up next week, maybe I should pick up more base systems (possibly by modifying 2048 to use powers of other numbers) just for the heck of it to keep myself entertained. :P

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  • 2 weeks later...
booksaremysexlife

Asexual During Sex Ed, The Movie-Script:

Before

Asexual teen, only one excited:

"YAY! I need to understand this thing called 'sex' " (<--said by someone prob. with no sex drive as well)

10 minutes in

Raises hand to teacher= "How does it work? Why do people want it with only certain people, or at all? Is this natural?"

30 minutes in

"Wait, people actually feel like they want sex with someone? I thought people just did it to continue the human population...."

After

WTH is going on.... Is everyone crazy except me?

Credits:

booksaremysexlife----writer

Cast:

To be found,

19 teenagers in high school range,

one asexual teen,

one adult that can portray a Sex Ed teacher without laughing every time we shoot,

and someone that can wear a cake costume and jump in and start dancing at the end :cake:

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Eccentricly_Awkward

This is not exactly a joke, but it's a funny gif.

Someone said on Twitter:

Me explaining being #asexual

2v2tz7o.gif

Is that...is that Peter Capaldi?

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As a romantic ace this describes me perfectly:

tumblr_komsouUMjt1qzpwi0o1_500.png

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nerdperson777

Asexual During Sex Ed, The Movie-Script:

Before

Asexual teen, only one excited:

"YAY! I need to understand this thing called 'sex' " (<--said by someone prob. with no sex drive as well)

10 minutes in

Raises hand to teacher= "How does it work? Why do people want it with only certain people, or at all? Is this natural?"

30 minutes in

"Wait, people actually feel like they want sex with someone? I thought people just did it to continue the human population...."

After

WTH is going on.... Is everyone crazy except me?

Credits:

booksaremysexlife----writer

Cast:

To be found,

19 teenagers in high school range,

one asexual teen,

one adult that can portray a Sex Ed teacher without laughing every time we shoot,

and someone that can wear a cake costume and jump in and start dancing at the end :cake:

When I saw this in my email, I thought it was serious. I'm no longer a teenager but I can pass for 13 maybe.

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"Stop being a dick, I'm not into those." Still my favorite xD

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nerdperson777

"Stop being a dick, I'm not into those." Still my favorite xD

I told this to my lesbian friend. :lol:

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Mad Skittlez

Don't screw with asexuals; we're not into that.

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Honey_Badger

Not specifically an ace joke, but...

I spent the weekend with an ex-roommate, helping her fix up her apartment: yesterday she was struggling to hang posters and frustrated to the point that she no longer spoke english.

Her: I can't do straight things! I can't make it straight!
Me: I have that problem all the time.

Her: *throws a couch pillow at my head.*

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GhostintheMachine

What do you call a heteromatic asexual with high grades?

A Straight A student

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Lover Of Cats And Cake

This is not exactly a joke, but it's a funny gif.Someone said on Twitter:Me explaining being #asexual2v2tz7o.gif

That's genius! I love it! XD

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Ooh thanks folks I really enjoyed this thread!!

This is quite possibly the only joke thread in the internet without a single dirty joke in it lol, I mean seriously- there's almost nothing you couldn't show your grandma on here (except maybe the Capaldi video).

Asexuals, you gotta love em!...but from a respectable distance, and only in a platonic way.

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