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Asexual jokes?


AceInhibitor

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nerdperson777
On 1/26/2015 at 1:36 AM, nemyuu93 said:

"the spell can only be broken by true love’s high-five

An asexual love story"

"what if humans were just like some animals and we had a mating season

just imagine everyone getting really horny for just a month, schools would close, businesses would close. and everyone is just fucking and fighting each other out in the streets

#the asexuals are what keeps the economy from collapsing during this trying time

"Damn it, it cant be that time again"

"Yeah I know. You lock the doors I’ll go call the others"

That's beautiful. Although we would be wondering why do our allo friends have to be gone. :lol:

Once I had this idea, what if females were usually flat and only had boobs during their time of the month? I quickly scrapped that idea because it would screw my dysphoria more.

I really want this mating season story developed now..

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Deleted Person

"the spell can only be broken by true love’s high-five

An asexual love story"

"what if humans were just like some animals and we had a mating season

just imagine everyone getting really horny for just a month, schools would close, businesses would close. and everyone is just fucking and fighting each other out in the streets

#the asexuals are what keeps the economy from collapsing during this trying time

"Damn it, it cant be that time again"

"Yeah I know. You lock the doors I’ll go call the others"

That's beautiful. Although we would be wondering why do our allo friends have to be gone. :lol:

Once I had this idea, what if females were usually flat and only had boobs during their time of the month? I quickly scrapped that idea because it would screw my dysphoria more.

I really want this mating season story developed now..

Strangely I've often thought/wondered how a mating season would be (before I really understood what I was). I thought it would be good because then there would basically only be one month a year were people would be interested in this stuff and then the rest of the time we could concentrate on more interesting things. (I also assumed it would be easier for me because ~instinctTM~ would take over and I would somehow suddenly be interested in this finding a mate stuff etc.)

Of course now I realise that no amount of "being in heat" is going to suddenly turn me normal. We're technically all in heat and this is how I am.

(Yes I have a strange biologist mind sometimes.)

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Q. How many Australian asexuals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One, and you don't need to pry him off a sheep.

(You may need to be from New Zealand to find that funny)

NZ'er speaking: I don't really 'get it'...and don't you forget...1% of sheep belong to NZ asexuals! Cia 8)

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"the spell can only be broken by true love’s high-five

An asexual love story"

"what if humans were just like some animals and we had a mating season

just imagine everyone getting really horny for just a month, schools would close, businesses would close. and everyone is just fucking and fighting each other out in the streets

#the asexuals are what keeps the economy from collapsing during this trying time

"Damn it, it cant be that time again"

"Yeah I know. You lock the doors I’ll go call the others"

I'd watch a TV show about that.

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This one's terrible, but I had a running joke during aquatic bio with the class' resident genderfluid person that we were both Daphnia (a type of teeny crustacean) because they reproduce asexually and the temperature determines their gender. :cake:

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SorryNotSorry

I went to a party and was led to the garage so the lady and I could have some privacy. When we got there, she stripped down to her underwear and said, "Take anything you want, big boy."

I took the mountain bike.

Hell, I'd have driven off with the Maserati.

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Hey, I'm a stand up comic. Let me have a crack at this...

What's an asexual's favorite sex position? ...On the couch in the other room.

What did the asexual bring home from the single's bar? ...Not you.

What do asexuals and vegans have in common? ...Neither of them are interested in your meat.

Taa-daaa! If you want more, I'll be here all week. :)

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BlurredTheLines

Q. How many Australian asexuals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One, and you don't need to pry him off a sheep.

(You may need to be from New Zealand to find that funny)

I get the feeling we in England would've gone with Welsh asexuals.

I have a Welsh friend who has made jokes about shagging sheep in the past, so I can see where you're coming from.

for something relevant to the topic, a friend told me this a while back: if an asexual falls into a pitfall, are they an ace-in-the-hole?

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Q. How many Australian asexuals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One, and you don't need to pry him off a sheep.

(You may need to be from New Zealand to find that funny)

I'd split that into two jokes:

Q. How can you tell if an Australian's* asexual?

A. He doesn't find any sheep attractive.

(*or Welshman etc)

Q. How many asexuals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. None. Asexuals won't screw in anything

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  • 3 months later...
Flightless.Fairy

"the spell can only be broken by true loves high-five

An asexual love story"

"what if humans were just like some animals and we had a mating season

just imagine everyone getting really horny for just a month, schools would close, businesses would close. and everyone is just fucking and fighting each other out in the streets

#the asexuals are what keeps the economy from collapsing during this trying time

"Damn it, it cant be that time again"

"Yeah I know. You lock the doors Ill go call the others"

This is amazing, I showed it to my strait friends and they were crying with laughter, it was amazing because they don't laugh at anything, thank you

🍰 cake for all 🍰

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Skipper Valvoline

What do you call an expert archer who is not interested in sex or romance? -An aro-ace arrow ace. (Told this one to my friends at school today, and they all facepalmed.)

To be an ace, the person would need to shoot down 5 or more hostile aircraft.

I shot down 12 in a NASA jet flight simulator :P And now I'm taking real flying lessons!! :D Though pertaining to archery (as above) I'll stick with a 5/6 bulls-eye quiver...

Back to jokes! What do you get when an ace detective, an ace attorney, and a flying ace walk into a bar?

You get a group of people who are really good at their jobs. :P

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I found this one recently by a tumblr person named thosefirst2seconds

“Three friends are walking through their college hallway together: Bob is straight, Ron is gay and Jerry is asexual. They are stopped by a group of other students.

“Hey,” one says to Bob, “you’re almost never seen without these two geezers; I’m not sure if you’re really straight.”

Bob looks around, and grabs the first girl he sees, kisses her hard and says, “You are coming home with ME tonight, understand?!” The girl nods, blushing and a bit shellshocked, and they walk off arm-in-arm.

The students turn to Ron and say, “Y’know, Ron, I hate to sound sceptical, but to be honest, I’ve never actually thought you were gay. You were staring pretty hard at your friend and that girl just now.”

Immediately, Ron grabs a random guy who’s leaning on the wall, pulls him close, kisses him and asks, “So, what about it? You free tonight?” The other guy nods, and they both walk off, hand-in-hand, to Ron’s dorm room.

Now all eyes turn to Jerry. Someone says, “Hmm. I’ve always been a little sceptical about you being asexual, but I guess there would be no one who you could pull close to you to prove yourself.”

“Whom,” says Jerry.

“What?” asks the sceptical student.

“Not ‘who’ I could pull close to prove myself; whom I could pull close to prove myself.’

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Skippy Squirrel

Back to jokes! What do you get when an ace detective, an ace attorney, and a flying ace walk into a bar?

You get a group of people who are really good at their jobs. :P

Nice Phoenix Wright reference!

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booksaremysexlife

I made a stupid Adam and Eve joke.

"It was just Adam. Plain Adam."

(this was my response to "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." annoyingness)

Sorry that was really bad, but whatever.. :D

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Haha, I wouldn't exactly say this is a joke, but it's pretty funny nonetheless. So I found this meme...

tumblr_nisp2vAQdV1tlgddwo1_500.jpg

and it reminded me of this personality test that I took for AP Psych and I got a 0% for sexuality... I totally ACED it! But... it's a 0%, shouldn't that be an F? Nope... ACED it!

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From somewhere on tumblr:

You don't hug asexuals.

You embrACE them.

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Skipper Valvoline

Back to jokes! What do you get when an ace detective, an ace attorney, and a flying ace walk into a bar?

You get a group of people who are really good at their jobs. :P

Nice Phoenix Wright reference!

I am so sorry, but... who's Phoenix Wright?

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Back to jokes! What do you get when an ace detective, an ace attorney, and a flying ace walk into a bar?

You get a group of people who are really good at their jobs. :P

Nice Phoenix Wright reference!

I am so sorry, but... who's Phoenix Wright?

He's the main character of the Ace Attorney games.

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Miss Wrong

When people ask "what do I find attractive?" I just say "sorry, I don't swing that way."

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I found this one recently by a tumblr person named thosefirst2seconds

“Three friends are walking through their college hallway together: Bob is straight, Ron is gay and Jerry is asexual. They are stopped by a group of other students.

“Hey,” one says to Bob, “you’re almost never seen without these two geezers; I’m not sure if you’re really straight.”

Bob looks around, and grabs the first girl he sees, kisses her hard and says, “You are coming home with ME tonight, understand?!” The girl nods, blushing and a bit shellshocked, and they walk off arm-in-arm.

The students turn to Ron and say, “Y’know, Ron, I hate to sound sceptical, but to be honest, I’ve never actually thought you were gay. You were staring pretty hard at your friend and that girl just now.”

Immediately, Ron grabs a random guy who’s leaning on the wall, pulls him close, kisses him and asks, “So, what about it? You free tonight?” The other guy nods, and they both walk off, hand-in-hand, to Ron’s dorm room.

Now all eyes turn to Jerry. Someone says, “Hmm. I’ve always been a little sceptical about you being asexual, but I guess there would be no one who you could pull close to you to prove yourself.”

“Whom,” says Jerry.

“What?” asks the sceptical student.

“Not ‘who’ I could pull close to prove myself; whom I could pull close to prove myself.’

As a grammar-nazi I love that joke. Too bad I'm personally against using the word "whom" and am trying to make it die.

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Emerald Green

Two asexuals sitting in a tree,

S-I-T-T-I-N-G

I couldn't find the original source, but I believe this is from Twitter or Tumblr.

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this.jpg

Hahahaha!!! Now that was hilarious! :lol: :lol: :lol:

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RoseGoesToYale

Guy in bar: Hey, how about a one night stand?

Me: Alright, but only if it's mahogany.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Q: how can you pick out an asexual man in a nudist colony?

A: it's not hard.

You made me burst out in laughter in the middle of a lecture. >_<

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