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Not Sure if I'm Demisexual or Something Else Entirely?


lillyloveless

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lillyloveless

Okay so I'm female and quite confused... I never thought I'd reach my mid-20's and have never had a significant other by this stage.

I'm definitely not asexual, but I feel I'm somewhere on the spectrum as I have only felt strong attraction to one person (a boy when I was 17-18).

I wasn't initially attracted to him (having met him a few times before at friend's houses) but then one time we got talking for about 7 hours straight and really clicked - he invited me to his party the next night, and I got very drunk and made a move on him... I'd never approached anyone before then, but had been drunkenly kissed/groped by various boys and girls before which left me numb and a bit bored!

We made out all night and I was walking on air the next day, but unfortunately things didn't work out for various reasons - which ultimately led to utter heart-break on my end. It took me several YEARS to stop thinking about him every day, and even now my heart flutters when someone mentions his name. We were very good friends for a year, but he didn't want a girlfriend/had severe emotional issues, only wanted to casually hook up with me - while I was very clear to him that I wanted a relationship. That being said, had we successfully dated, I'm actually not sure if I would have wanted to sleep with him ever, or even mess around much further then kissing/groping. Since my teens I have never been much into the idea of sex with either gender. I do masturbate, but even my fantasies don't really include sex in the storyline, and I would say I fantasise about both men and women equally.

I then tried to explore to see if perhaps I was gay/bi/whatever, and have kissed various girls over the years, but while I have been (somewhat) attracted to random girls I pass by on the street, I haven't been *sexually* attracted to them if that makes sense? And I've never had any feelings for anybody since that one boy. I do put myself out there regularly, have tried going on dates and have been officially asked out by many truly lovely men -and one or two women- but I can't feel any sparks whatsoever towards them, no matter how much I get to know them. I don't see the point in entering a sham relationship when I feel no attraction to the other person, it would leave both of us feeling miserable.

If I'm drinking on a night out and feel lonely, I tend to randomly kiss strangers who often ask me to come home with them, but I feel nothing sexual towards them and ultimately feel more alienated in the end. All my friends assume I'm not a virgin as a result. The older I get, the more I feel like my love/intense infatuation for that one boy was a fluke, and I'm incapable of feeling sexual attraction towards anyone, and I'm falling further behind in matters of love. While I think virginity is a construct of society and having a penis inside of you doesn't make you different/complete, I do know I'd like to be involved in a loving romantic relationship (whether it eventually involves sex in time I can't know at this stage as I've never achieved such a relationship)

I guess I just feel like I'm slipping through the cracks and missing out on life and love, and it would take a very special, patient and understanding person to put up with all of my confusion and sexual blocks. Does anyone else feel this way?!

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Okay so I'm female and quite confused... I never thought I'd reach my mid-20's and have never had a significant other by this stage.

I'm definitely not asexual, but I feel I'm somewhere on the spectrum as I have only felt strong attraction to one person (a boy when I was 17-18).

I wasn't initially attracted to him (having met him a few times before at friend's houses) but then one time we got talking for about 7 hours straight and really clicked - he invited me to his party the next night, and I got very drunk and made a move on him... I'd never approached anyone before then, but had been drunkenly kissed/groped by various boys and girls before which left me numb and a bit bored!

We made out all night and I was walking on air the next day, but unfortunately things didn't work out for various reasons - which ultimately led to utter heart-break on my end. It took me several YEARS to stop thinking about him every day and even now my heart flutters when someone mentions his name. We were very good friends for a year, but he didn't want a girlfriend/had severe emotional issues, only wanted to casually hook up with me - while I was very clear to him that I wanted a relationship. That being said, had we successfully dated, I'm actually not sure if I would have wanted to sleep with him ever, or even mess around much further then kissing/groping. Since my teens I have never been much into the idea of sex with either gender. I do masturbate, but even my fantasies don't really include sex in the storyline, and I would say I fantasise about both males and females equally.

I then tried to explore to see if perhaps I was gay/bi/whatever, and have kissed various girls over the years, but while I have been *somewhat* attracted to girls I pass by on the street, I haven't been sexually attracted to them if that makes sense? And I've never had any feelings for any girls or guys since that one boy. I do put myself out there regularly, have tried going on dates and have been officially asked out by many truly lovely men and one or two women, but I can't feel any sparks whatsoever towards them no matter how much I get to know them. I don't see the point in entering a sham relationship when I feel no attraction to the other person, it would leave both of us feeling miserable.

If I'm drinking on a night out and feel lonely, I tend to randomly kiss strangers who often ask me to come home with them, but I feel nothing sexual towards them and ultimately feel more alienated as a result. All my friends assume I'm not a virgin as a result. The older I get, the more I feel like my love for that boy was a fluke, and I'm incapable of feeling sexual attraction towards anyone, and I'm falling further behind in matters of love. While I think virginity is a construct of society and having a penis inside of you doesn't make you different/complete, I do know I'd like to be involved in a loving romantic relationship (whether it eventually involves sex in time I can't know at this stage as I've never achieved such a relationship)

I guess I just feel like I'm slipping through the cracks and missing out on life and love, and it would take a very special, patient and understanding person to put up with all of my confusion and sexual blocks. Does anyone else feel this way?!

Thank you for your kind post.

I have been feeling quite same. My story is quite same, too. But I don't trust on, there would ever be some "very special" to "put up" me in the future. Maybe I have a potential to grow up myself, maybe not. I have given up trying to achieve that kind of state, however. (Maybe I did that decision before those things that were happening, already.)

I don't feel disappointment to be what I am. I don't feel hate for the circumstances in my past.

I only have this curious steady love, and it doesn't belong to anyone. It's there, every time I turn around. That feeling of love has become my friend. I have learned a lot when "discussing" with it. There isn't any special living object any more, however.

Maybe sexuality needs some object to fulfill. I haven't any. Or maybe sexuality needs a subject. I am not. I don't feel sexuality as a thing. I am happy now, sometimes.

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lillyloveless

Okay so I'm female and quite confused... I never thought I'd reach my mid-20's and have never had a significant other by this stage.

I'm definitely not asexual, but I feel I'm somewhere on the spectrum as I have only felt strong attraction to one person (a boy when I was 17-18).

I wasn't initially attracted to him (having met him a few times before at friend's houses) but then one time we got talking for about 7 hours straight and really clicked - he invited me to his party the next night, and I got very drunk and made a move on him... I'd never approached anyone before then, but had been drunkenly kissed/groped by various boys and girls before which left me numb and a bit bored!

We made out all night and I was walking on air the next day, but unfortunately things didn't work out for various reasons - which ultimately led to utter heart-break on my end. It took me several YEARS to stop thinking about him every day and even now my heart flutters when someone mentions his name. We were very good friends for a year, but he didn't want a girlfriend/had severe emotional issues, only wanted to casually hook up with me - while I was very clear to him that I wanted a relationship. That being said, had we successfully dated, I'm actually not sure if I would have wanted to sleep with him ever, or even mess around much further then kissing/groping. Since my teens I have never been much into the idea of sex with either gender. I do masturbate, but even my fantasies don't really include sex in the storyline, and I would say I fantasise about both males and females equally.

I then tried to explore to see if perhaps I was gay/bi/whatever, and have kissed various girls over the years, but while I have been *somewhat* attracted to girls I pass by on the street, I haven't been sexually attracted to them if that makes sense? And I've never had any feelings for any girls or guys since that one boy. I do put myself out there regularly, have tried going on dates and have been officially asked out by many truly lovely men and one or two women, but I can't feel any sparks whatsoever towards them no matter how much I get to know them. I don't see the point in entering a sham relationship when I feel no attraction to the other person, it would leave both of us feeling miserable.

If I'm drinking on a night out and feel lonely, I tend to randomly kiss strangers who often ask me to come home with them, but I feel nothing sexual towards them and ultimately feel more alienated as a result. All my friends assume I'm not a virgin as a result. The older I get, the more I feel like my love for that boy was a fluke, and I'm incapable of feeling sexual attraction towards anyone, and I'm falling further behind in matters of love. While I think virginity is a construct of society and having a penis inside of you doesn't make you different/complete, I do know I'd like to be involved in a loving romantic relationship (whether it eventually involves sex in time I can't know at this stage as I've never achieved such a relationship)

I guess I just feel like I'm slipping through the cracks and missing out on life and love, and it would take a very special, patient and understanding person to put up with all of my confusion and sexual blocks. Does anyone else feel this way?!

Thank you for your kind post.

I have been feeling quite same. My story is quite same, too. But I don't trust on, there would ever be some "very special" to "put up" me in the future. Maybe I have a potential to grow up myself, maybe not. I have given up trying to achieve that kind of state, however. (Maybe I did that decision before those things that were happening, already.)

I don't feel disappointment to be what I am. I don't feel hate for the circumstances in my past.

I only have this curious steady love, and it doesn't belong to anyone. It's there, every time I turn around. That feeling of love has become my friend. I have learned a lot when "discussing" with it. There isn't any special living object any more, however.

Maybe sexuality needs some object to fulfill. I haven't any. Or maybe sexuality needs a subject. I am not. I don't feel sexuality as a thing. I am happy now, sometimes.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. It reminds me of Warson Shire's beautiful quote which has always resonated with me:

“I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.”

99% of the time I too am happy to be who I am. I'm introverted and creative, so I really enjoy spending time on my own making art, writing and reading which are all very solitary pursuits. However, despite this I am blessed with many friends for whom I am very grateful to have. My lack of having any experience of a loving romantic relationship is the main thing I feel divides me from most other people.

Two years ago, I nearly bled to death in a freak accident. I spent a long time in hospital, and even longer at home trying to recover from post-traumatic disorder and debilitating panic attacks. During this time, I needed to be alone psychologically to heal and get to grips with what had happened to me. After spending so much time alone, it caused me to nearly view myself as my own friend - like I was looking down at myself with compassion and warmth. So I learned I am at peace with who I am as a person, and I recognise I am only doing the best I can. But having experienced such a near-death moment, I found it even sadder that I hadn't enjoyed proper, reciprocated romantic love.

I can easily see how being on your own is enough and preferable for many people, and I suspect if I had never met and fell for the one boy all those years ago I too would be satisfied with being by myself. But those initial feelings of euphoric, joyful love that I felt towards that one boy still kinda haunts me, as I know I was capable of feeling that way at least once, and the possibility of ever feeling those sparks again and it actually working out would be amazing.

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Okay so I'm female and quite confused... I never thought I'd reach my mid-20's and have never had a significant other by this stage.

I'm definitely not asexual, but I feel I'm somewhere on the spectrum as I have only felt strong attraction to one person (a boy when I was 17-18).

I wasn't initially attracted to him (having met him a few times before at friend's houses) but then one time we got talking for about 7 hours straight and really clicked - he invited me to his party the next night, and I got very drunk and made a move on him... I'd never approached anyone before then, but had been drunkenly kissed/groped by various boys and girls before which left me numb and a bit bored!

We made out all night and I was walking on air the next day, but unfortunately things didn't work out for various reasons - which ultimately led to utter heart-break on my end. It took me several YEARS to stop thinking about him every day and even now my heart flutters when someone mentions his name. We were very good friends for a year, but he didn't want a girlfriend/had severe emotional issues, only wanted to casually hook up with me - while I was very clear to him that I wanted a relationship. That being said, had we successfully dated, I'm actually not sure if I would have wanted to sleep with him ever, or even mess around much further then kissing/groping. Since my teens I have never been much into the idea of sex with either gender. I do masturbate, but even my fantasies don't really include sex in the storyline, and I would say I fantasise about both males and females equally.

I then tried to explore to see if perhaps I was gay/bi/whatever, and have kissed various girls over the years, but while I have been *somewhat* attracted to girls I pass by on the street, I haven't been sexually attracted to them if that makes sense? And I've never had any feelings for any girls or guys since that one boy. I do put myself out there regularly, have tried going on dates and have been officially asked out by many truly lovely men and one or two women, but I can't feel any sparks whatsoever towards them no matter how much I get to know them. I don't see the point in entering a sham relationship when I feel no attraction to the other person, it would leave both of us feeling miserable.

If I'm drinking on a night out and feel lonely, I tend to randomly kiss strangers who often ask me to come home with them, but I feel nothing sexual towards them and ultimately feel more alienated as a result. All my friends assume I'm not a virgin as a result. The older I get, the more I feel like my love for that boy was a fluke, and I'm incapable of feeling sexual attraction towards anyone, and I'm falling further behind in matters of love. While I think virginity is a construct of society and having a penis inside of you doesn't make you different/complete, I do know I'd like to be involved in a loving romantic relationship (whether it eventually involves sex in time I can't know at this stage as I've never achieved such a relationship)

I guess I just feel like I'm slipping through the cracks and missing out on life and love, and it would take a very special, patient and understanding person to put up with all of my confusion and sexual blocks. Does anyone else feel this way?!

Thank you for your kind post.

I have been feeling quite same. My story is quite same, too. But I don't trust on, there would ever be some "very special" to "put up" me in the future. Maybe I have a potential to grow up myself, maybe not. I have given up trying to achieve that kind of state, however. (Maybe I did that decision before those things that were happening, already.)

I don't feel disappointment to be what I am. I don't feel hate for the circumstances in my past.

I only have this curious steady love, and it doesn't belong to anyone. It's there, every time I turn around. That feeling of love has become my friend. I have learned a lot when "discussing" with it. There isn't any special living object any more, however.

Maybe sexuality needs some object to fulfill. I haven't any. Or maybe sexuality needs a subject. I am not. I don't feel sexuality as a thing. I am happy now, sometimes.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. It reminds me of Warson Shire's beautiful quote which has always resonated with me:

“I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.”

99% of the time I too am happy to be who I am. I'm introverted and creative, so I really enjoy spending time on my own making art, writing and reading which are all very solitary pursuits. However, despite this I am blessed with many friends for whom I am very grateful to have. My lack of having any experience of a loving romantic relationship is the main thing I feel divides me from most other people.

Two years ago, I nearly bled to death in a freak accident. I spent a long time in hospital, and even longer at home trying to recover from post-traumatic disorder and debilitating panic attacks. During this time, I needed to be alone psychologically to heal and get to grips with what had happened to me. After spending so much time alone, it caused me to nearly view myself as my own friend - like I was looking down at myself with compassion and warmth. So I learned I am at peace with who I am as a person, and I recognise I am only doing the best I can. But having experienced such a near-death moment, I found it even sadder that I hadn't enjoyed proper, reciprocated romantic love.

I can easily see how being on your own is enough and preferable for many people, and I suspect if I had never met and fell for the one boy all those years ago I too would be satisfied with being by myself. But those initial feelings of euphoric, joyful love that I felt towards that one boy still kinda haunts me, as I know I was capable of feeling that way at least once, and the possibility of ever feeling those sparks again and it actually working out would be amazing.

Okay so I'm female and quite confused... I never thought I'd reach my mid-20's and have never had a significant other by this stage.

I'm definitely not asexual, but I feel I'm somewhere on the spectrum as I have only felt strong attraction to one person (a boy when I was 17-18).

I wasn't initially attracted to him (having met him a few times before at friend's houses) but then one time we got talking for about 7 hours straight and really clicked - he invited me to his party the next night, and I got very drunk and made a move on him... I'd never approached anyone before then, but had been drunkenly kissed/groped by various boys and girls before which left me numb and a bit bored!

We made out all night and I was walking on air the next day, but unfortunately things didn't work out for various reasons - which ultimately led to utter heart-break on my end. It took me several YEARS to stop thinking about him every day and even now my heart flutters when someone mentions his name. We were very good friends for a year, but he didn't want a girlfriend/had severe emotional issues, only wanted to casually hook up with me - while I was very clear to him that I wanted a relationship. That being said, had we successfully dated, I'm actually not sure if I would have wanted to sleep with him ever, or even mess around much further then kissing/groping. Since my teens I have never been much into the idea of sex with either gender. I do masturbate, but even my fantasies don't really include sex in the storyline, and I would say I fantasise about both males and females equally.

I then tried to explore to see if perhaps I was gay/bi/whatever, and have kissed various girls over the years, but while I have been *somewhat* attracted to girls I pass by on the street, I haven't been sexually attracted to them if that makes sense? And I've never had any feelings for any girls or guys since that one boy. I do put myself out there regularly, have tried going on dates and have been officially asked out by many truly lovely men and one or two women, but I can't feel any sparks whatsoever towards them no matter how much I get to know them. I don't see the point in entering a sham relationship when I feel no attraction to the other person, it would leave both of us feeling miserable.

If I'm drinking on a night out and feel lonely, I tend to randomly kiss strangers who often ask me to come home with them, but I feel nothing sexual towards them and ultimately feel more alienated as a result. All my friends assume I'm not a virgin as a result. The older I get, the more I feel like my love for that boy was a fluke, and I'm incapable of feeling sexual attraction towards anyone, and I'm falling further behind in matters of love. While I think virginity is a construct of society and having a penis inside of you doesn't make you different/complete, I do know I'd like to be involved in a loving romantic relationship (whether it eventually involves sex in time I can't know at this stage as I've never achieved such a relationship)

I guess I just feel like I'm slipping through the cracks and missing out on life and love, and it would take a very special, patient and understanding person to put up with all of my confusion and sexual blocks. Does anyone else feel this way?!

Thank you for your kind post.

I have been feeling quite same. My story is quite same, too. But I don't trust on, there would ever be some "very special" to "put up" me in the future. Maybe I have a potential to grow up myself, maybe not. I have given up trying to achieve that kind of state, however. (Maybe I did that decision before those things that were happening, already.)

I don't feel disappointment to be what I am. I don't feel hate for the circumstances in my past.

I only have this curious steady love, and it doesn't belong to anyone. It's there, every time I turn around. That feeling of love has become my friend. I have learned a lot when "discussing" with it. There isn't any special living object any more, however.

Maybe sexuality needs some object to fulfill. I haven't any. Or maybe sexuality needs a subject. I am not. I don't feel sexuality as a thing. I am happy now, sometimes.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. It reminds me of Warson Shire's beautiful quote which has always resonated with me:

“I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.”

99% of the time I too am happy to be who I am. I'm introverted and creative, so I really enjoy spending time on my own making art, writing and reading which are all very solitary pursuits. However, despite this I am blessed with many friends for whom I am very grateful to have. My lack of having any experience of a loving romantic relationship is the main thing I feel divides me from most other people.

Two years ago, I nearly bled to death in a freak accident. I spent a long time in hospital, and even longer at home trying to recover from post-traumatic disorder and debilitating panic attacks. During this time, I needed to be alone psychologically to heal and get to grips with what had happened to me. After spending so much time alone, it caused me to nearly view myself as my own friend - like I was looking down at myself with compassion and warmth. So I learned I am at peace with who I am as a person, and I recognise I am only doing the best I can. But having experienced such a near-death moment, I found it even sadder that I hadn't enjoyed proper, reciprocated romantic love.

I can easily see how being on your own is enough and preferable for many people, and I suspect if I had never met and fell for the one boy all those years ago I too would be satisfied with being by myself. But those initial feelings of euphoric, joyful love that I felt towards that one boy still kinda haunts me, as I know I was capable of feeling that way at least once, and the possibility of ever feeling those sparks again and it actually working out would be amazing.

Sending you my warmest greetings. I am happy you have been made your way after the near-death moment. We are never the same after watching that borderline. I suppose all that has made you stronger.

Thank you for quoting Warson (Warsan?) Shiers. She was quite new a poet for me to read, and liked her poems on the net very much. There was an interview, where she said being Somali, but never being in Somalia. Our life can be full of paradoxes and there can be holes and emptiness among the many rich things we have, and we still can manage our lives.

That must be Evening Effect (of Water Lilies) by Claude Monet that avatar of yours, I guess?

Comradely.

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