Having one of those "I think I'd cheat if I had the chance" nights

[Glad-I-Found-This-Site]

I'm typing this and feeling guilty as my wife sleeps a few feet away. She is an awesome person, as well as a great mom. She does a lot for me and our family, but she does not like to be touched, or even to be in close proximity to people (needs personal space big time). If I never initiated a hug or kiss, she probably wouldn't notice or think something was missing. On top of that, she isn't the type to verbally express how much I mean to her, or to be sad if I have to work and cannot spend time with her. The outside world thinks we have an awesome relationship and are a model couple/parents. In many ways we are. But sometimes it is tough.

With that said, she has compromised a bit on sex. She said yesterday was going to be the night, yet when I went up to bed, she had let our son sleep in the room. OK, so I figured it would be tonight. Just as I am about to initiate, she turns over, remarks how her eye is bothering her (got some makeup in it), and said "sorry" when I mentioned that I was expecting a different ending to the night.

I am really patient. Considering I would like to have sex every day, and considering I would be happy with ANYTHING she would offer me, it kills me when days turn to weeks, and weeks approach a month with nothing. She is sleeping 2 feet from me, and it feels like 2 miles.

I love her. I love my family. I love our life. But this is so hard. I find that I get some of the affirmation and closeness (non sexual) that I need from my female friends. And to tell you the truth, there are times I wish I could get my sexual needs met that way, too. I feel bad for even thinking it, but I admit that I let the scene play out in my head a lot. I've even imagined scenarios where I've met up with a woman from this site who understands my situation. I've even rationalized it in my head to the point where I could compartmentalize it for what it is, and not have it affect my relationship back home.

Sorry for the rambling message. As I sit here trying to relax and figure out a way to get some sleep, typing that out helped me sort through the thoughts.

Anyone else feel this way?

[RAZS]

I was just saying the same thing to my friend the other day. She and I have been friends for years and she is aware of the situation in my relationship. If it didnt go against everything I believe I would be very tempted to have an affair but I also know that when the time came I wouldn't actually be able to do it. Sometimes I wish I could - right now after 7 months of no contact I'm very tempted.

[Smmk]

I think you should talk to her and tell her whatis bothering you. I hope you sort this out with her and hopefully find the help you need here at AVEN :)

[Frigid Pink]

If you're feeling that tempted (that often) to do something that would be detrimental to your relationship, then I question how compatible you and your partner actually are, especially if this is something that the two of you aren't able to talk about openly.

I highly encourage you to discuss your feelings with your partner and try and work this out together. If it gets to the point where the only solution you see is to "cheat," then maybe this is not the best (or healthiest) relationship for either of you.

[Glad-I-Found-This-Site]

Thanks for the replies. I would be surprised if more people on the site don't feel the same way. I think that, on a daily basis, most people have all sorts of random thoughts and impulses that they wouldn't act on. For me, this is one of them. Maybe it is a fantasy, not sure. For me, it is like dreaming of a big slice of pizza after having not eaten all day.

The problem with "talking" about it, as I have experienced myself and read about here from many people, is that the situation is what it is in many cases. In other words, she isn't going to say, "Well, if that's how you feel, let's have sex every week." If she told me to go out and find someone else to have sex with, I don't think that I could do it. I know I painted a bleak picture above, but I do love her a lot and love so many aspects of our life together. It would be nearly impossible to give that up. Breaking up, or opening up the marriage, isn't an option.

[Frigid Pink]

The problem with "talking" about it, as I have experienced myself and read about here from many people, is that the situation is what it is in many cases. In other words, she isn't going to say, "Well, if that's how you feel, let's have sex every week." If she told me to go out and find someone else to have sex with, I don't think that I could do it. I know I painted a bleak picture above, but I do love her a lot and love so many aspects of our life together. It would be nearly impossible to give that up. Breaking up, or opening up the marriage, isn't an option.

Well, then, it's an incompatibility, and it's up to you and your partner to decide if it's a tolerable one. I wish you the best!

[Percivel]

I have often felt that way and I think what your feeling and thinking is not uncommon in mixed relationships.

[RedLeg]

I have to agree with Percivels' comment about. It is not uncommon but I always remember that once I act on it or cross that line of having an affair I can never go back. Being a sexual in a sexless marriage is like being an alcoholic and trying to stop drinking on your own. One sad fact is that there are no support groups for us sexuals to help us with the exception of this forum. We don't get any understanding from sexuals and are often looked down on by the asexuals for having a sex drive. If you were talk to most couples that have an active sex life they cannot understand why we would put up with a sexless marriage. TOO often we are told that we would be justified to mess around or to have an affair. I don’t want to have an affair and from what I have seen in my 50 or so years is those "open" marriages or those marriages where one spouse is having an affair just never seem to work out.

In my readings on asexuality it has come to my attention that there has been very little research done on asexuality. With that said there is even less research on sexual partners of asexuals. We are a real minority within a minority. To whom should we turn where we can express our all too similar feelings and seek comfort without being judged by others who have no idea what we are going through?

[Frigid Pink]

Some people "cheat." Some people don't. Some people value honesty. Some people don't. I don't think it's okay to "cheat" under any circumstances. It's simply not an okay option. If someone is seriously considering "cheating" as a viable option, then I question why they remain in that particular situation, because, to me, at that point, the only okay/viable/healthy option is to leave. We may have limited choices or choices we dislike, however, we certainly can make choices that change our circumstances for the better.

[Glad-I-Found-This-Site]

Frigid... The point of my post is that, being in this situation, I can't help but think of cheating. Perhaps "fantasizing" is the word, though I hate that word. Laying next to someone you love and find wildly attractive is very, very difficult. It is like working as a chef and going on a long fast. I get by, I make it work, but there are times when I can't quite wrap my brain around the situation.... so my brain wanders to all possibilities.

[Guest]

I think about it literally every day. That's been true in all my relationships though... I find it odd that there are people who never think about having different lives, being with different people, etc. I have a mental wanderlust. In reality I'm great at being monogamous and attending to my day-to-day, but i imagine other scenarios. This has always felt very natural to me.

Anyway, i think about it all the time, sexual/ intimate scenarios with other people. Usually I think about stuff I would never in a million years want to do in real life (meeting strange men in strip clubs comes up a lot), but I've found myself with some sort of actual feelings for an actual person... a very safe (straight) actual person... and you know what? All it's done is remind me of why I wouldn't cheat. Caring about another person is a lot to take on, and if I can feel feelings without ever touching another person, that doesn't bode well for my ability to conrol my feelings after touching happens.

Anyway, my point is, what one imagines and what one wants to do aren't necessarily the same thing.

[Sally]

Frigid... The point of my post is that, being in this situation, I can't help but think of cheating. Perhaps "fantasizing" is the word, though I hate that word. Laying next to someone you love and find wildly attractive is very, very difficult. It is like working as a chef and going on a long fast. I get by, I make it work, but there are times when I can't quite wrap my brain around the situation.... so my brain wanders to all possibilities.

There's certainly nothing wrong with thinking about possibilities of something that you want but isn't available in your partnership. But cheating means doing something that affects the partnership without telling your partner. That's unfair.

[My alias]

I would say talk to her. But im sure you've told her and im sure she has made some light promise to meet you half way. I was in a relationship in the same way. She hardly expressed emotion when we couldn't spend time together, she only wants to spend actual time together if she could third wheel me and do something else at the same time. At the end of the days i felt sick to my stomach knowing she was so close yet still just as far away as when we meet. Eventually it broke down with out really a chance of repair I guess I am selfish and require more attention than close to none. I know the situation you are in and I hope you come to a solution that was better than mine.

[Milliemaerose]

Talk to her. Potentially about the possibility of an arrangement like opening up the relationship. Don't lie to her - as said above you'll never undo it and the way you feel about thinking about will be worse if you actually do iy X

[Percivel]

It was helpful for me to drive those thoughts from my mind and not entertain them because I didn't want to go there. It also helps me cope better and stay focused on the girl I do have. I don't think about sex all the time now.....I more often think about the absence of it instead. Our thoughts and feelings sure can have minds of there own.

[Hachiken]

Hi.

I was higly in doubt if to answer or not. It is a delicate argument and I really don't want to give bad advices or say the wrong words.

I'm living a similar situation. Similar, not identical.

I'm (pan)sexual, my partner is totally asexual. They compromised a lot on sexuality in the past, and this created some conflict. At the beginning of our relationship neither of us was really sure of our sexuality and I lived their doubt and continuos refusal as a personal thing, I was hurt and felt personally refused. It was hard.

Now I'm trying something. They compromised for years, I'm now doing the same, offering them a streak of chastity. We live together, we sleep togheter, we love each other, we don't have sex, we haven't had sex for more than a year now.

It's not easy. I sometimes feel really bad, I sometimes feels like deprived of a right. Sometimes I feel like I'm killing myself, that if it is unjust to deny their sexuality by asking for sex it is equally unjust to deny my sexuality by asking me for chastity.

I feel all of this, I hate them, I got angry, I surprise myslef entering in fights with them over the most trivial things just because I'm hiding to myself my real source of frustration and vent in this less-than-healty way.

Then I calm down, remember that I love them and am doing this as a gift to them, and endure a little more.

I found that having something that allows me to share mental and phisical spaces with my partner helps. Play a boardgame, see a movie together, cook or chat, even play multiplayer videogames together.

Similar, not identical, I said, because I could open the relationship. We learned together to let jealousy go, and they would be okay for me to find a lover. I still don't want to, most probably because of leftovers from my strictly monogamic upbringing, so I'm actually luckier than you. I actually have an emergency "sex exit" (assuming that I could find someone else, but that's another matter).

I've been explicit with them: I don't know how long I will keep enduring. I really don't know how much will I still have. I have to admit that after a year it's becoming very difficult. We talked and we agreed: when I could bear no more we will talk and we will find another solution, another compromise. I think I managed to earn a deeper level of trust with my action, and now them know that I will never ask them to compromise more than they are willing to. They lead this game, but they do in full agreement with me.

This to say that the key are, always, communication and love.

Talk, talk, talk, talk with your wife. Ask her why she refused you. Tell her how you feel. Ask her what you can do to put her at ease, why she changed her mind that night. Talk many times and for a long time. Put your hearts on the table, and then listen. Listen to her and to you, listen to her discomfort and make it yours, emphatize with her (you will never understand her, but you can feel the shape or her emotions).

This will be harsh and difficult, but when talking rememeber: sex isn't a right. You haven't a right to sex, even if she's your wife, even if society tells you otherwise.

Sex is a gift you share, and she has less of that gift to do. You do not push her, you remember that she will not like that very much, that she will sacrifice something for you. Feel the shape of her discomfort, and let her feel the shape of your.

Then find a momentary equilibrium through your love.

You love each other, each of you is willing to sacrifice for the other, you are that lucky. You can find pleasure in each other comfort. Find a point where you can be both happy. Use your reciprocal caring, your love, as a fulcrum to balance the situation. Work together, work toward the couple. Maybe she needs a little pause, maybe she needs somehing else to be more confortable with you, maybe it was just that once.

You will never know until you talk with her.

You talk, you love and you find equilibrium, for a brief period. You don't search for a perfect, eternal solution, you only need for it to work for a week, a month, a season.

Then you go back to your wife, she goes back to you and you talk again, again and again. You never stop to talk, to understand, and to find new points of equilibrium.
I see it with my partner: whe have communication issue, but when we talk we usually can resolve thing to everyone happiness.

And while you are frustrated, while you think you cannot hold anymore, why you are hating her for what she is denying you (because you really hated her, at least for a second, I know), remember why you love her. Even if sex is filling all your brain (and it is filling your brain, from time to time, you cannot think to anything else, I know) remeber what you loveof her, what it goes behind her body and the orgasm moment. Remember what you did, what you do, why you are together besides sex.

Remember her and love her, and keep this in mind when you will talk.

Best

H.

[Frigid Pink]

Frigid... The point of my post is that, being in this situation, I can't help but think of cheating. Perhaps "fantasizing" is the word, though I hate that word. Laying next to someone you love and find wildly attractive is very, very difficult. It is like working as a chef and going on a long fast. I get by, I make it work, but there are times when I can't quite wrap my brain around the situation.... so my brain wanders to all possibilities.

I still think it's dangerous (and unhealthy for the relationship) if "cheating" is a viable possibility (or option) you consider or think about often (more than half the time).

[Guest]

Frigid... The point of my post is that, being in this situation, I can't help but think of cheating. Perhaps "fantasizing" is the word, though I hate that word. Laying next to someone you love and find wildly attractive is very, very difficult. It is like working as a chef and going on a long fast. I get by, I make it work, but there are times when I can't quite wrap my brain around the situation.... so my brain wanders to all possibilities.

I still think it's dangerous (and unhealthy for the relationship) if "cheating" is a viable possibility (or option) you consider or think about often (more than half the time).

Why? Is this a research based opinion or is it more of a "that's not how I work so people who do work this way make me uncomfortable" kind of opinion?

I would agree with you that if someone is thinking of it as a viable possibility, that's probably taking things down a slightly more complicated turn. The thing is, most people want their fantasies, whatever, to feel real while they're having them, so they are frequently rooted in real terms but with no actual motivation behind it to make it happen.

Different people are different. Dictating what people should and should not think about is just... many steps too far, IMO.

[Glad-I-Found-This-Site]

I really appreciate the responses.

It is funny how these feelings come and go. We generally do "something" once a month. It might be something small, but something. After those times, I can go a week and be perfectly happy. Yet as the month ticks down, my mind starts going to different places. Fantasies, I guess.

Frigid, I enjoy the back-and-forth. I disagree with you, but I respect your opinion. If I came on here and said that I fantasize about having sex on the 50 yard line of Giants Stadium and I even worked out how to get down there (have a friend who works there), I think people might chuckle and wish me luck, despite the fact that I could get arrested for such an act. If I told people that I subscribed to the Playboy channel and get out my frustrations by watching it every night, many here would say it was healthy. I think a fantasy is a good thing. In my opinion, people who try to repress their feelings are the ones playing with fire...but once again, I respect someone who feels otherwise.

For me, fantasizing about cheating accomplishes two things:

1) It takes my focus off of my wife. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but if she is the sole focus of my sexual thought, it would make for a very, very frustrating situation. There comes a time each month (when I know sex is definitely not in the cards) where I have to look at her more as a buddy, and less as a lover. If I let myself look at her with lust on a daily basis (as I am hard wired to do), I would go nuts.

2) On some level, it lets me feel desirable...even if someone isn't really desiring me. I like thinking about women that I know, or women that I meet, and wondering about whether I could sleep with them. I tend to think about scenarios like, "If she was single and I was single...would we end up together?" or something like "If we met prior to meeting our spouses, would we be together today?" or "If our spouses left us, would we end up together?" Sometimes my answer is no, sometimes it is yes. And for some reason, that type of daydreaming helps me get through times when I feel rejected by my wife. It helps me through times when I feel like I am somehow responsible for her lack of interest in sex. I'm not sure why, but it does.

I can't really see myself broaching the conversation of opening up the marriage. Even if she said yes, I would feel horrible, so horrible. Now, if there was a situation where we had friends over and a female friend stayed late and somehow -- in my crazy fantasy -- my wife said I could hook up with her, I would do it in a second. In fact, we have a crazy friend who hangs out with us who is the type who would do that, and she has even suggested it before (half joking). Of course, I've played that scene over in my head a million times. I even joke about it (in front of my wife) when we are all at a party. But I wouldn't act on it. I wouldn't even suggest it to my wife...at least not seriously. But if we all were drunk one night and my wife said "Go for it," I admit that I would do it in a second. I think a lot of guys who are against cheating would sleep with another woman if it was sanctioned by their wife. In fact, if I were a betting man, I would guess that 90% of men would jump at the chance, and another 5% would say no only because it might mean that their wife would sleep with someone else, too.

[brbdogsonfire]

I feel the same as OP. We have discussed sex. It was decided before we started dating there would be sex although it wouldn't be as often as I want which is about twice a week at max. Weeks turned to months which is turning to a year in a week. When I bring it up she seems to want to try in her words but her actions have made it seem like she didn't mean it. So we have talked about it in fact we do quite often.

[Frigid Pink]

Frigid... The point of my post is that, being in this situation, I can't help but think of cheating. Perhaps "fantasizing" is the word, though I hate that word. Laying next to someone you love and find wildly attractive is very, very difficult. It is like working as a chef and going on a long fast. I get by, I make it work, but there are times when I can't quite wrap my brain around the situation.... so my brain wanders to all possibilities.

I still think it's dangerous (and unhealthy for the relationship) if "cheating" is a viable possibility (or option) you consider or think about often (more than half the time).

Why? Is this a research based opinion or is it more of a "that's not how I work so people who do work this way make me uncomfortable" kind of opinion?

I would agree with you that if someone is thinking of it as a viable possibility, that's probably taking things down a slightly more complicated turn. The thing is, most people want their fantasies, whatever, to feel real while they're having them, so they are frequently rooted in real terms but with no actual motivation behind it to make it happen.

Different people are different. Dictating what people should and should not think about is just... many steps too far, IMO.

Not a "research based opinion" or a "that's not how I work so people who do work this way make me uncomfortable opinion," either. Just my opinion. Anyone can take it or leave it.

I think it's dangerous if "cheating" is thought about often because, regardless of the motivation behind the thought(s), the act of "cheating" is generally a detrimental act to a relationship and if someone "thinks they'd cheat if they had the chance" or "fantasizes" about it often, then it seems like a signal or warning sign that something isn't okay and the relationship isn't working for that particular person (hence it may be in danger) vs. "it's just a harmless fantasy." I view it as unhealthy to remain in a situation like that or to view "cheating" as a viable option or solution to a situation like that because I don't see how either leads to contentment.

I agree that we all have our differences. I agree that it's not okay to dictate someone's thoughts, however, our thoughts certainly have some influence on our actions, and, so, I wouldn't view them as completely harmless.

I think a fantasy is a good thing. In my opinion, people who try to repress their feelings are the ones playing with fire...but once again, I respect someone who feels otherwise.

I think a lot of guys who are against cheating would sleep with another woman if it was sanctioned by their wife. In fact, if I were a betting man, I would guess that 90% of men would jump at the chance, and another 5% would say no only because it might mean that their wife would sleep with someone else, too.

I don't think it's healthy to "repress" feelings. I actually think it's unhealthy to ignore them or what their presence may indicate.

It sounds like you would "jump at the chance" and that you would say no for the above mentioned reason as you can only really speak for yourself and not a generalized group of males. It really doesn't matter what a generalized group of males (or females, or anyone, really) would do or think or feel in this situation, anyway, because what matters is what works for you and your partner and how you and your partner feel about things.

It sounds like you're conflicted about your feelings and what to do about them.

People can share their opinions with you, tell you what they might do in your situation, confirm your own views, give you reassurance, or even quote percentages, however, what ultimately works is still up to the actual individuals involved in the relationship, which is why I still think it's best to have a(n) (ongoing) discussion with one's partner about feelings like these (feelings that could be detrimental to the relationship in some way).

I'd definitely be honest with myself about what these feelings mean for me and whether the current situation is truly working for me. I'd make any choice(s) regarding a solution to this with my partner vs. with others outside the relationship or alone.

[Sally]

I'd definitely be honest with myself about what these feelings mean for me and whether the current situation is truly working for me. I'd make any choice(s) regarding a solution to this with my partner vs. with others outside the relationship or alone.

Yup -- cheating (i.e., not telling your partner you've gone outside the relationship) will just make things much, much worse. My husband tried to be a good husband, and he really was, but he finally got frustrated enough physically that he had a secret affair. I found out (we always do, it never stays secret) and that basically ended the marriage. I could understand why he did it, but I could never trust him again to be honest with me. It wasn't the extramarital sex, it was the secrecy that was intolerable.

[Guest]

Yup -- cheating (i.e., not telling your partner you've gone outside the relationship) will just make things much, much worse. My husband tried to be a good husband, and he really was, but he finally got frustrated enough physically that he had a secret affair. I found out (we always do, it never stays secret) and that basically ended the marriage. I could understand why he did it, but I could never trust him again to be honest with me. It wasn't the extramarital sex, it was the secrecy that was intolerable.

This rings true for me, too.

Anyone who reads more than a few posts of mine on here knows I'm about as non-monogamous as it gets... but I'd react to lies and secrecy the exact same way. I've been through the sitch of having a huge pile of lies a partner told me blow up in her face (the first woman I was with, for three months in '06, not R.), and I have absolutely no intention to go through that mess again. If I find out someone has told me any substantial lie, they'd have to consider themselves exceedingly lucky if they'll get any second chance. It's much more likely that I'll immediately declare the relationship ended, then and there. Without trust and honesty, remaining together would be a complete waste of my time.

[Percivel]

I agree with much of what Glad said. But I also agree with Frigid.

I think, as sexuals in mixed relationships, our minds often go places that they ordinarily wouldn't go. But because of our circumstances and the great effect it has on us we experience more intense thoughts and feelings. We often don't know how to handle them. Often those thoughts and feelings just pop up. What we do with them then is up to the person and how they choose to cope with their situation. Do we feed them (the thoughts and feelings)? Do we dismiss them? Do we find a different avenue to cope? Do we find a different lover?

I try to be totally open and honest with my wife. I haven't always been. But I have never been totally honest and open to her about just how difficult and painful it is in our mixed relationship. I keep the worst secret. I do so because it would cause her more pain than it would benefit us as a couple if I told her. She knows it's hard. She doesn't know just how hard.

[brbdogsonfire]

I do not think this post is trying to validate cheating. This post is just describing how someone feels when their needs are not met by their partner and the thoughts that are caused by it. I wouldn't cheat but that doesn't mean the idea is not there.

[Mermbubble]

Stay strong sir! It's a nasty old situation to be in because no one is to blame and well the only comfort us when one of you compromise.

However, if you were to go out and cheat it would be empty and meaningless, making you feel worse.

Things get better, stay strong in these moments and focus on what you two do share together :)

[Percivel]

There is a song called "Sideways" that fittingly describes times like this.

[Sally]

Again, cheating is not the act of having sex outside marriage, or wanting to do so. Cheating is doing it and not telling your marriage partner. That's withholding information from them that they deserve to know. No one in a marriage -- asexual or sexual -- should have important information hidden from them by the other partner.

That's what several of us have tried to get across.

[gablesgirl22]

Hello:) This is my first real post here, so...lol, forgive my sad newbie status:) I totally get what you are talking about Glad! I am EXTREMELY sexual, and my husband's natural drive kicks in about two to three times a year. He is happy to have sex about once a month as a compromise, and I, like you Glad, could seriously do it every day. It's a huge gap, in terms of natural drive and desire, and, it goes without saying that that can make anyone feel trapped in their sexuality! That is WAY different than feeling trapped in your marriage. I think it's super clear that everyone on here understands that we all have a choice to stay or leave. What makes this forum great is that we all want to stay and are working hard to support each other as best we can. For what it's worth, my husband and I came up with a kind-of 'divide and conquer' approach to my sexuality. We look at it kind of like a city powered by lots of rivers. For most people, sexuality is a main river that sources the city with a ton of power. Therefore, sexual couples benefit a lot by finding ways to increase the force of those rivers into the city. For those of us who are sexual and married or in relationships with aces, our rivers, or at least mine, tends to flood our city and destroy all the happy villagers:) So for us, finding ways to divert that river is the healthiest thing for our little town. We are still working out how to do that, and are definitely still figuring stuff out. We do, however, have this open document that we can both edit that outlines all the different parts of my sexuality and the associated needs and gives options for how those needs can be met. It has made me feel a lot freer, and like I actually have viable outlets. Here is kind-of an outline of what we have going:

1. We started by outlining what place sex and sexuality holds in our relationship- it's a small side component for us

2. We outlined how we generally experience intimacy and where we will look for and invest most heavily- companionship is where it's at for us

3. We acknowledged that sexual intimacy is still always going to be a really important language that I receive love in, and so should still be included in our interactions in ways that still honors who we each are as individuals.

4. We also agreed that beyond that, I need outlets for the parts of my sexuality that we can't share together. Things that honor our relationship and our commitment and still give me some freedom and outlet options.

5. We came up with our comprehensive list of sexual outlets for me that are just mine, (i.e not things we have to do together but things I can choose to do whenever I want to):

- The Eucharist- Yep, I am starting with the one that is going to seem the weirdest!!! We are Catholic, and I am not going to try and make this make sense, because I think it either does or it doesn't. But somehow, and I don't understand it, but somehow, I personally find the spiritual part of my sexual needs addressed when I take the Eucharist. Lol, I feel like I should try to explain that more, but honestly....it wouldn't help so I am just going to move on:)

- Working out- addresses stress relief and endorphin rush cravings

- Arm wrestling buddy- this one is something that is definitely edgy, but that we are experimenting with. If you were really into arm wrestling, and you took your opponent to the table every single time instantly with no competition at all, it would be really unsatisfying. One of the things that I crave in my sexuality is that push back. Feeling the other person meet you and give as much as they get so to speak. Someone who it will take skill and all your strength to "beat". The give and take, back and forth part where both people instinctually know what to do next. So that is an area that is naturally tough for us. Tough for me to have satisfied and hard for him to simulate on a regular basis. So we came up with this idea to address that. We have agreed that finding an online arm-wrestling buddy is an acceptable outlet. Something that is purely chat based, no real names, no in-person contact. Just the outlet of a shared interest in the surface level enjoyment of being desired, not focused on a deeper connection or anything at all meaningful beyond pure sexual attraction and sexual outlet. We set-up parameters that made us both feel comfortable: Complete honesty. Nothing hidden, shameful or secret. My husband can read or ask about anything he wants to at any time, can access convos on his own, and will never be out of the loop if he wants to know anything, though generally he will probably choose out-of-the-loopness. Our hard line is nothing in person, and no actual physical contact. We also have other guidelines like not talking to other people when we are hanging out and if it starts making things in our relationship weird, we reassess and make changes accordingly. It honestly feels so good to have some kind of option that lets me have that back and forth, but with the safety of anonymity, and the complete openness that removes shame, guilt, deception and the violation of trust. Even if we have to adjust these initial guidelines or throw it out altogether, it's still really cool to have this option to explore.

- "Solo time" whenever I want it:) Lol, probably will just leave it at that lol.

6. Things we do together:

- Take responsibility for giving each other good information. If one of us isn't straight with the other and lies or misleads about a need or doesn't mention it, that is on them, not the other person. We are totally honest and up front with each other, and take what the other person says at face value, trusting them to communicate accurately about themselves.

-Frequent open and honest communication. We have been learning a lot about letting each other feel sad or whatever openly and not feeling the other person should jump to fix it. It turns out letting people feel hard emotions without just trying to fix it all and instead simply being present is hard. But when it happens, it is really really amazing and extremely freeing because all the sudden you don't have to hide from each other any more.

- Have all the fun we possibly can all the time we can have it! Put tons of energy into feeling connected in ways that make us both really happy.

- Sex once or twice a month- we have decided to schedule this pretty intentionally, with specific dates. That way I know how long I need to wait and he can get his head into the game so to speak.

- Husband assisted personal time for me a couple times a month:)- I need to feel overpowered sometimes. I am fairly on top of things and in control most of the time, and there are some things we do in the bedroom that let me kind-of let go and loose control in a way that I find really really stress-relieveing and freeing. And he finds those activities pretty fun too, for kind-of different reasons than I do, but as we are both having fun, who cares?:) So we are, again, going to schedule this very specifically, so we both have the same expectations. Obviously giving grace when things have to move around, but if a date does get moved, we are specifically rescheduling it for an actual date, not just saying, 'catch you later'.

- Keep praying together- I started the list with some of our God stuff and I figured I'd just end it that way too:) Always a good option and keeps us centered in what we truly value most deeply.

So anyway, I don't know if that sounds too intense or edgy or if it doesn't seem like a workable option for anyone but us. But I will say that having this all written down and getting to engage so openly and honestly has been amazing for both of us. As I said before, I really did feel super trapped in my sexuality before, and as the tension built up...all the hard thoughts got harder. Now I feel like I have space to breathe. I have options. And that is amazing for me, for him, and for our relationship. :)

Good luck Glad!!!!! Seriously....I totally get what you are talking about and have so much respect for your struggle and your honesty. You are a really good guy.

[misspoptart]

On the whole I agree with what others have said about talking to her and telling her that thoughts of cheating have crossed your mind, but you are telling her this because you would never actually cheat and you need to get it off your chest. It sounds like you have a strong relationship that has already weathered plenty of storms, I see no reason to believe she wouldn't trust you or the marriage would break down if that conversation takes place.

I feel the same as OP. We have discussed sex. It was decided before we started dating there would be sex although it wouldn't be as often as I want which is about twice a week at max. Weeks turned to months which is turning to a year in a week. When I bring it up she seems to want to try in her words but her actions have made it seem like she didn't mean it. So we have talked about it in fact we do quite often.

This resonates with me. My asexual bf misleads me into thinking I'll get it more often than he's up for doing it and it messes with me. I think it may actually be that slow shift into a sexless relationship that sparks thoughts of cheating. If he could keep up with once a week, or twice a month even, I might be okay. But when he says, "okay, we'll do it every day from now on," and days turn to weeks, weeks to months, it becomes less of a "me dealing with this because you're asexual" and more of a "me dealing with you breaking promises."

To the OP, was it the particular feeling of rejection on that night when she said you'd have sex that sparked the cheating thoughts? There could be a very strong connection between the two, I think.