Want a Relationship - Just Can't See it Happening

[Past and Future Queen]

So I'm new on this website, though not necessarily to asexuality. I identified as asexual two years ago (I was 15 at the time) and have felt very comfortable with this knowledge since. Fortunately, I have not faced the horror stories I have heard about coming out and being dismissed or called "broken" by friends and family. It has been a smooth acceptance.

I am heteromantic, and I've never had a boyfriend. This is not a thread about being sad that I don't want to have a boyfriend - I'm actually quite content with being single at the moment.

I do know that I do want to have a boyfriend in the future. I want to have kids and a husband while still managing a successful career. My mom runs a daycare, so I know children and I know that I want them, and I can see myself raising my future children quite easily.

But my problem isn't with not having a boyfriend - it's with not being able to see myself with someone. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot seem imagine myself actually having a boyfriend/husband and being able to kiss and hold hands and even having sex, maybe. I am not repulsed by any of the aforementioned things, and I know that I want them (maybe even sex, later.) I just can't see them happening with me.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just being a confused teenager rambling and worrying about nothing - but I really do want to know if there are other people like me in this respect.

Thank you for reading, and please respond below your thoughts regarding this!

[Ficulnean]

Yep, I want these things. But, I can never imagine it. I can't imagine constantly being around somebody, them sharing a room with me. I can't imagine someone not giving me my time for comepletely random reasons, or someone who doesn't want to adopt a kid with me, or even someone who understands if after them that's too much pressure for me to have a kid around the house too. I want all this stuff, I just . . . can't picture it. I can't picture a hypothetical person who fills this role, or even anyone I've ever been interested in as filling this role. You're not alone.

People please give us advice now. :(

[. . .but there are sounds]

This thread was moved from Asexual Musings and Rantings to Asexual Relationships.

. . .but there are sounds,

Asexual Musings and Rantings Moderator

[Hopeful2014]

Hi, I have never been in a relationship either and I'm 38. I think I want to find someone to share my life with, but can't imagine it or see it happening given there doesn't seem to be many asexual people in my area. But I'm still hopeful I'll figure all this out!

[OttRInvy]

I can't really see myself in a long term relationship in the future, either, even though I do want it. My reasoning is simpler 'cuz I'm lithromantic (romantically attracted to people, but indifferent to or unwanting of reciprocated feelings). I haven't really come up with anything except maybe a queerplatonic relationship? I don't know, if you find someone you'd like to date who's open minded you could just see what works, find out what you want. You could also make a "Want, Will, Won't" list if you were to enter a relationship.

(The title is misleading; it applies to things besides sex).

I'd suggest some sort of aromantic orientation to Ficulnean and the OP, based on the fact that you girls are cool with fantasizing about romance, but can't picture it actually applying to yourselves. But then you both said that you, personally, want to have romance in your lives, so... I don't know! Wish I could be more help...

[phalaena]

I remember when I would have crushes on guys it was always difficult for me to imagine a real relationship. I wouldn't hold their hands or kiss them because it didn't seem right. I would always tell my friends that I have no idea how to be a guys girlfriend and I didn't want to be either lol. I can't even imagine myself in a relationship at all.

I want to have kids. Maybe just one though. I always figured that I could have a kid with a close friend who I had no romantic feelings for and we could mutually raise the kid. Then I woke up from my daydream because how often does that happen. Marriage isn't for me though so I just might have to suck it up and get inseminated

[Jarndyce]

I know the feeling you describe very well. I'm 22 and can't imagine myself in a relationship. Sometimes I feel that I'd like a girlfriend (though sometimes I blame that feeling on watching Scrubs or HIMYM).

I theorise that we might be falling into the trap of making generalist assumptions - even when we try not to. I reason that a partnership can really be built in just about any way one wishes, so if one finds the range of 'typical' relationships which tv or our friends display to be too stifling, too touchy-feely - or too anything - one could develop a relationship which suits one's own desires and preferences. We might not be able to imagine how it would actually work until we get there ('I can't imagine you with all your complexity'...), but the possibility, and even necessity of bespoke relationships - rather than carbon copies of an original - seems to me to be a potential answer to your question, albeit probably an unhelpful one.


Incidentally, is your username a T.H. White reference?

[Mostly Peaceful Ryan]

I think it is normal sounding. How can you imagine your future relationship with someone and not even know who that person is?

[Smmk]

I think it is normal sounding. How can you imagine your future relationship with someone and not even know who that person is?

Well, I agree with this.

But the thing is, many people I know admitted that they CAN actually see a relationship with someone in their mind while they only just met in a train or whatever. And not just 'I want to kiss him/her' either, but also fantasizing about having children and stuff. Isn't that totally weird?

[Mostly Peaceful Ryan]

I think it is normal sounding. How can you imagine your future relationship with someone and not even know who that person is?

Well, I agree with this.

But the thing is, many people I know admitted that they CAN actually see a relationship with someone in their mind while they only just met in a train or whatever. And not just 'I want to kiss him/her' either, but also fantasizing about having children and stuff. Isn't that totally weird?

:lol: I had a friend who "fell in love" easily she would see a cute boy and be like "See that guy over there with the spiky hair, he is my future husband " and I was like "Umm do you even know his name?" She say "No, do you?" I was like "Nah but I will go tell him he is your future husband anyway, he deserves to know"

[Smmk]

I think it is normal sounding. How can you imagine your future relationship with someone and not even know who that person is?

Well, I agree with this.

But the thing is, many people I know admitted that they CAN actually see a relationship with someone in their mind while they only just met in a train or whatever. And not just 'I want to kiss him/her' either, but also fantasizing about having children and stuff. Isn't that totally weird?

:lol: I had a friend who "fell in love" easily she would see a cute boy and be like "See that guy over there with the spiky hair, he is my future husband " and I was like "Umm do you even know his name?" She say "No, do you?" I was like "Nah but I will go tell him he is your future husband anyway, he deserves to know"

Haha this exactly!

[romantic-woman]

I gave up i think. I am too tired to try again and feeling bad finally.

Everytime i want to try i finally end up feeling sad. So i find it so difficult to be with anyone again and the reason is that i am an ace. Noone can accept this truth and i can't compromise with any sexual man.

I am sure that it would be easier for you cause as you say you will try things. The problem with me is that i don't want to do anything sexual, i am open only to lovely hugs, kisses and cuddling. Nothing more than that and i don't want to have children.

Imagine how difficult is for me then. The only chance is to find an ace but they are rare so it would be a miracle lol

Love and care can be so nice and warm feelings but they are so difficult to be found and also from a compatible person.

[Exanimis]

Duh..

I want it, but I can't imagine me in it. So I resent it.

I find it so nice when people cherish their relationships. But everytime I see it a part of me dies a bit...

I'm tired of all this too. I'm becoming bitter with time. Suddenly when I imagine it, I despise it, I abhorr it.

I'm too tired of being sad about it...

[butterflydreams]

Duh..

I want it, but I can't imagine me in it. So I resent it.

I find it so nice when people cherish their relationships. But everytime I see it a part of me dies a bit...

I'm tired of all this too. I'm becoming bitter with time. Suddenly when I imagine it, I despise it, I abhorr it.

I'm too tired of being sad about it...

I used to feel this way. Sometimes I still do. Now it's mostly dulled, and in discovering some other things about myself, I'm finally able to really let go. I used to tell my friend how much I hated the first few warm weeks of summer, because that was when all the cute girls and couples would be out walking around. Really, that was more of a statement on my general loneliness than anything else. I wanted to be that cute person walking around that people were interested in. I wanted to be that person in part of a couple enjoying the first days of summer.

But much like you, relationships like that (to say nothing of sex) spook me, so I balk. I hesitate. I resent the fact that it's dangled in front of me despite the fact that I can't even bring myself to really reach for it.

[Exanimis]

I wanted to be that cute person walking around that people were interested in. I wanted to be that person in part of a couple enjoying the first days of summer.

But much like you, relationships like that (to say nothing of sex) spook me, so I balk. I hesitate. I resent the fact that it's dangled in front of me despite the fact that I can't even bring myself to really reach for it.

Yea. It is exactly that.

I don't resent the people who are out there in couples and in love affairs.. But I resent myself. For not being capable of those things that come with the romance.

Heh, you know, it is summer down here. End of the year, a lot of people on vacation. I live by the beach by the way. So I'm going to be seeing it all the time. Actually I quite am already.

They come for the summer and the sun, and the all around festive time. In my head, they just come around to remind me that I'm alone

[butterflydreams]

I wanted to be that cute person walking around that people were interested in. I wanted to be that person in part of a couple enjoying the first days of summer.

But much like you, relationships like that (to say nothing of sex) spook me, so I balk. I hesitate. I resent the fact that it's dangled in front of me despite the fact that I can't even bring myself to really reach for it.

Yea. It is exactly that.

I don't resent the people who are out there in couples and in love affairs.. But I resent myself. For not being capable of those things that come with the romance.

Heh, you know, it is summer down here. End of the year, a lot of people on vacation. I live by the beach by the way. So I'm going to be seeing it all the time. Actually I quite am already.

They come for the summer and the sun, and the all around festive time. In my head, they just come around to remind me that I'm alone

It's a tough spot, to be resenting yourself for those things. I don't necessarily think it's a given though, so you're not doomed to feel that way. Not sure where you are exactly, and whether or not you get a "winter" but we do here, and it's starting now. The days are short, and it gets dark really early. I kind of like that. Not only do I not have to clearly see people out and about, but I can actually be more myself. The dark is comforting in a way. The cold is comforting too. I can wrap myself up in clothes I like.

So I dunno. Maybe you could find something like that to help give you some solace. Some way to find comfort for yourself, regardless of what happens externally.

[Exanimis]

Yea I will see if I find a job to keep me busy this end of the year. Preferably through Christmas and summer, since I desperately hate hot climates..

But thanks, I will see if I can do something about it :)

[Exanimis]

Yea I will see if I find a job to keep me busy this end of the year. Preferably through Christmas and summer, since I desperately hate hot climates..

But thanks, I will see if I can do something about it :)

[Ficulnean]

I wanted to be that cute person walking around that people were interested in. I wanted to be that person in part of a couple enjoying the first days of summer.

But much like you, relationships like that (to say nothing of sex) spook me, so I balk. I hesitate. I resent the fact that it's dangled in front of me despite the fact that I can't even bring myself to really reach for it.

Yea. It is exactly that.

I don't resent the people who are out there in couples and in love affairs.. But I resent myself. For not being capable of those things that come with the romance.

Heh, you know, it is summer down here. End of the year, a lot of people on vacation. I live by the beach by the way. So I'm going to be seeing it all the time. Actually I quite am already.

They come for the summer and the sun, and the all around festive time. In my head, they just come around to remind me that I'm alone

It's a tough spot, to be resenting yourself for those things. I don't necessarily think it's a given though, so you're not doomed to feel that way. Not sure where you are exactly, and whether or not you get a "winter" but we do here, and it's starting now. The days are short, and it gets dark really early. I kind of like that. Not only do I not have to clearly see people out and about, but I can actually be more myself. The dark is comforting in a way. The cold is comforting too. I can wrap myself up in clothes I like.

So I dunno. Maybe you could find something like that to help give you some solace. Some way to find comfort for yourself, regardless of what happens externally.

I wrap myself in winter scarf and sweaters all the time anyway. But seriously, I have seen some people kissing at my Uni since figuring this all out a little bit ago (the entire asexual thing, not just this) and it's making me feel even more odd than it always has; but at the same time, my desire for a romantic relationship has gone up because I now know there's validity in who I am. So, well, that's answer enough.

[Ricecream-man]

I remember when I would have crushes on guys it was always difficult for me to imagine a real relationship. I wouldn't hold their hands or kiss them because it didn't seem right. I would always tell my friends that I have no idea how to be a guys girlfriend and I didn't want to be either lol. I can't even imagine myself in a relationship at all.

I want to have kids. Maybe just one though. I always figured that I could have a kid with a close friend who I had no romantic feelings for and we could mutually raise the kid. Then I woke up from my daydream because how often does that happen. Marriage isn't for me though so I just might have to suck it up and get inseminated

^I've actually thought of the same thing but sort of in reverse. I (currently, it might change) love the idea of little mini me's running around and raising children. However, I just can't picture a person with whom to do that with. Even when I was in a relationship, while I could picture being in a relationship and doing things with them in the near future, whenever I tried to apply that image to marriage or children the woman automatically become a nondescript blur. While I still want a romantic relationship that lasts for life, I can't see it happening. Children, I can see myself raising though. This then led me to the idea of mutual parenthood without romance. Idk, it's still a kind of weird..

I wrap myself in winter scarf and sweaters all the time anyway. But seriously, I have seen some people kissing at my Uni since figuring this all out a little bit ago (the entire asexual thing, not just this) and it's making me feel even more odd than it always has; but at the same time, my desire for a romantic relationship has gone up because I now know there's validity in who I am. So, well, that's answer enough.

I feel the same way at times. Now that I know that it's possible to have a romantic relationship without hiding my lack of desire for sex or worrying that coming out will ruin the relationship itself, it makes me want it more. The fact that similar people exist out there makes me hope that it's possible, while at the same time dreading that it's not.

[CozyHorse]

Duh..

I want it, but I can't imagine me in it. So I resent it.

I find it so nice when people cherish their relationships. But everytime I see it a part of me dies a bit...

I'm tired of all this too. I'm becoming bitter with time. Suddenly when I imagine it, I despise it, I abhorr it.

I'm too tired of being sad about it...

I used to feel this way. Sometimes I still do. Now it's mostly dulled, and in discovering some other things about myself, I'm finally able to really let go. I used to tell my friend how much I hated the first few warm weeks of summer, because that was when all the cute girls and couples would be out walking around. Really, that was more of a statement on my general loneliness than anything else. I wanted to be that cute person walking around that people were interested in. I wanted to be that person in part of a couple enjoying the first days of summer.

But much like you, relationships like that (to say nothing of sex) spook me, so I balk. I hesitate. I resent the fact that it's dangled in front of me despite the fact that I can't even bring myself to really reach for it.

I definitely agree with all of this. Thank you to everyone who has posted and shared. I've spent a lot of time wondering whether I actually want a relationship or I THINK I want a relationship because I see it happening all around me. If all of my close friends were also single instead of in serious relationships, would I worry about being single? If I never saw a couple walk around, hand in hand, doing something cute, would I want that in my life?

For the first half of college, I had a huge crush on my close guy friend. Looking back, I think the way I reacted toward this crush kind of validates my feelings that I may identify as ace. Though I spent a lot of time daydreaming that he felt the same way, and being jealous of other girls he spent time with, I never really thought about what would happen if I actually admitted my feelings and he reciprocated. I couldn't picture it. I remember saying to another friend, "I don't care if we don't actually get together! I just wish we could both be friends and single forever!"

I feel like, for me, it's really difficult to say whether my desire for a relationship is inherent or socially constructed. Recently, the more I think about it, the more I lean toward, yes, I want this, but I just have no idea how to make it happen, and as was said, I can't fully picture it. My mom is always on me to "put yourself out there more," but I can't fully explain that I don't know HOW. It just seems scary. It was scary in college with my friend and it's scary now. What would actually happen if I were to be in a relationship with someone? How would that work? Feels safer and easier sometimes to just stay single.

I wrap myself in winter scarf and sweaters all the time anyway. But seriously, I have seen some people kissing at my Uni since figuring this all out a little bit ago (the entire asexual thing, not just this) and it's making me feel even more odd than it always has; but at the same time, my desire for a romantic relationship has gone up because I now know there's validity in who I am. So, well, that's answer enough.

I feel the same way at times. Now that I know that it's possible to have a romantic relationship without hiding my lack of desire for sex or worrying that coming out will ruin the relationship itself, it makes me want it more. The fact that similar people exist out there makes me hope that it's possible, while at the same time dreading that it's not.

Agree with these points too. Exploring the idea that I might be ace makes me feel more validated and less frustrated at myself, and gives me confidence and hope to know that I'm not alone. Cautiously optimistic that this confidence and hope will continue to grow with time and experience. I'm so thankful to be able to vent about this to other people and hear how others are feeling!

Less serious aside - some of the things discussed remind me of this Hunger Games meme I saw last Valentine's Day...