After sex for a sexual

[Philip027]

If you're bragging about having sex with an asexual for the first time in four months, i encourage you to think how THEY felt about it too. Have a conversation about it, even. Instead of just relishing in how great it was for you.

That.

The video was pretty "ew" to me, but I was kinda expecting it to be going into it

[Guest]

I find it messed up that married sexuals have to provide tons of details before AVEN will acquiesce that they aren't rapists. The OP said nothing and did nothing wrong, and I don't understand why the baseline assumption is that unless a sexual comes over here actively rending their clothes it's assumed they're being improper.

I don't know, when I hear that a married guy hasn't had sex in 4 months, I definitely picture a patient dude.

No one here has said the OP is a rapist, or anything of the sort. The comments here have either been peoples reactions to the video, or hoping that the husband fully understands his wife's needs and feelings surrounding sex. As this is an Asexual site, it's expected of us to empathize with the wife (many of us have, after all, felt that annoyance and frustration at having a partner constantly pestering us for something we are often completely unable to give).

Yes this is the Partners, Friends, and Allies forum, but on an Asexual site, there are bound to be asexuals who will also want to comment. And (having just read through the OP's previous comments) I see that his wife herself actually denies being asexual, yet evidently really does not want to have sex (going to bed with her clothes and shoes on as one example)

Yes, it's great that he finally got sex! and it's understandable that he, as a sexual, feels frustration at the sexual aspects of his marriage... but it's perfectly understandable that asexuals would voice their concerns for the wife's needs and overall happiness before celebrating the fact that the husband finally got some sex out of her.

I am sorry that this evidently offends and upsets you, but I don't think it's fair to say that we are calling the husband a rapist, because no one here is saying that. We are purely expressing concern for the wife's feelings, that's all.

[blossombreeze]

If you're bragging about having sex with an asexual for the first time in four months, i encourage you to think how THEY felt about it too. Have a conversation about it, even. Instead of just relishing in how great it was for you.

Why??? This seems like the meanest of advice. "Did you enjoy having sex with your partner? Then you're a monster, stop thinking about enjoying it immediately!"

Please enlighten me... why should those of us in relationships with asexuals go out of our way NOT to enjoy sex? How would you like it if my advice to asexuals was "oh, you didn't love sex? Well stop feeling that way and start thinking about how much they liked it."

As for the video... I see it's a parody video starring Andy Samberg, so I think most of you are taking far too seriously something that was intended to be immature and stupid.

People in mixed relationships are well aware we don't feel the same as our partners about sex. Most of us do feel kind of horrible after sex, but for the lucky ones who don't, like the fella above, why would you want to encourage the same emotional turmoil in them that the rest of us feel? that seems mean.

Uhm you quoted me on something i didn't say. I encouraged him to think about how his partner felt too, i didn't tell him to quit enjoying sex? i didn't tell him to stop? you can't make someone do that anyway?? You took my comment pretty seriously yourself. I think the video is dumb, personally, and I don't think that immature shit like that is funny. That aside, If simply considering how your partner feels (asexual or not btw) & talking about something as intimate as sex is too much emotional turmoil to deal with... how do you have a relationship? how is that consensual, even? Look, i get where you're coming from, I just don't think encouraging someone to try to look at things from another perspective outside their own is mean.

[Amy Ghost]

Okay forget it. Forget I have ever said anything

[My alias]

Don't know why everybody is getting so worked up. That video is supposed to be funny, which it was a little amusing. If it doesn't tickle your sense of humor than just don't watch it.

[Guest]

If you're bragging about having sex with an asexual for the first time in four months, i encourage you to think how THEY felt about it too. Have a conversation about it, even. Instead of just relishing in how great it was for you.

Why??? This seems like the meanest of advice. "Did you enjoy having sex with your partner? Then you're a monster, stop thinking about enjoying it immediately!"

Please enlighten me... why should those of us in relationships with asexuals go out of our way NOT to enjoy sex? How would you like it if my advice to asexuals was "oh, you didn't love sex? Well stop feeling that way and start thinking about how much they liked it."

As for the video... I see it's a parody video starring Andy Samberg, so I think most of you are taking far too seriously something that was intended to be immature and stupid.

People in mixed relationships are well aware we don't feel the same as our partners about sex. Most of us do feel kind of horrible after sex, but for the lucky ones who don't, like the fella above, why would you want to encourage the same emotional turmoil in them that the rest of us feel? that seems mean.

Uhm you quoted me on something i didn't say. I encouraged him to think about how his partner felt too, i didn't tell him to quit enjoying sex? i didn't tell him to stop? you can't make someone do that anyway?? You took my comment pretty seriously yourself. I think the video is dumb, personally, and I don't think that immature shit like that is funny. That aside, If simply considering how your partner feels (asexual or not btw) & talking about something as intimate as sex is too much emotional turmoil to deal with... how do you have a relationship? how is that consensual, even? Look, i get where you're coming from, I just don't think encouraging someone to try to look at things from another perspective outside their own is mean.

If you're in a mixed relationship, you do nothing but think about what the other person is feeling. Telling someone that instead of being happy for having sex, they instead should consider the misery of the other person IS mean. Not everything has to be about the asexual 100% of the time.

Yes, it's great that he finally got sex! and it's understandable that he, as a sexual, feels frustration at the sexual aspects of his marriage... but it's perfectly understandable that asexuals would voice their concerns for the wife's needs and overall happiness before celebrating the fact that the husband finally got some sex out of her.

I am sorry that this evidently offends and upsets you, but I don't think it's fair to say that we are calling the husband a rapist, because no one here is saying that. We are purely expressing concern for the wife's feelings, that's all.

Yes always the asexual's needs. Always. Thank gods you guys are here to remind us.

Let's be crystal clear about what happened here.

After FOUR MONTHS of doing nothing but thinking about his wife's preferences, he finally got to have sex, and assuming he was actually thrilled (and this is a big assumption, given the parody video), that's problematic? You guys feel like it's imperative that his joy be interrupted?

How is this for advice for asexuals:

Every second of every day that you're not having sex, you better remember how bad your partner feels. Enjoying your night off without sex? You better get thinking about how unwanted and lonely your partner feels.

Would you guys like it if every single time an asexual posted, sexuals jumped in to say that?

[Guest]

Yes, it's great that he finally got sex! and it's understandable that he, as a sexual, feels frustration at the sexual aspects of his marriage... but it's perfectly understandable that asexuals would voice their concerns for the wife's needs and overall happiness before celebrating the fact that the husband finally got some sex out of her.

I am sorry that this evidently offends and upsets you, but I don't think it's fair to say that we are calling the husband a rapist, because no one here is saying that. We are purely expressing concern for the wife's feelings, that's all.

Yes always the asexual's needs. Always. Thank gods you guys are here to remind us.

Let's be crystal clear about what happened here.

After FOUR MONTHS of doing nothing but thinking about his wife's preferences, he finally got to have sex, and assuming he was actually thrilled (and this is a big assumption, given the parody video), that's problematic? You guys feel like it's imperative that his joy be interrupted?

How is this for advice for asexuals:

Every second of every day that you're not having sex, you better remember how bad your partner feels. Enjoying your night off without sex? You better get thinking about how unwanted and lonely your partner feels.

Would you guys like it if every single time an asexual posted, sexuals jumped in to say that?

I never said he wasn't allowed to be happy, I tried to keep my comments fair and balanced in that I hoped both partners got something out of it.

And regarding thinking about how my partner feels every second of the day we don't have sex? You evidently missed the part where I said I gave my sexual partner sex, repeatedly, to try and keep him happy. To expand on that, for 5 years *all* I cared about was *his* needs, his wants, his desires. Just to be clear, I gave him sex twice a day, almost every day, as well as allowing him to have another live-in girlfriend *and* have sex with whoever else he wanted (this did not go both ways, I was not even allowed female friends, let alone 'fuck buddies' - not that I wanted them anyway of course)

I didn't even know I was asexual at the time (having never heard about asexuality) I just knew that he didn't like the sex the way I gave it (because he wanted me to get off on it and I couldn't,no matter how hard I tried) so yeah.. all I thought about, for 5 years, was how my partner feels, and I hated myself, for not being good enough for him.. *hated* myself. I tried to explain how I felt only to be threatened with violence because he thought I must be cheating if I didn't *desire* sex.. because *everyone* desires and needs sex, right?

Many asexual people I know have been in this exact same position .. giving sex repeatedly to try to make their sexual partner happy, with absolutely no thought to their own needs.. and you know what? often the sexual partner is *still* not happy because they want us to *enjoy* the sex more, want us to be more involved in it, want us to orgasm .. and so forth. I know many sexual people could not possibly comprehend what this feels like for an asexual; the perpetual feeling of *never* being good enough no matter what we do, so I'm not going to bother explaining more, but I'm just saying, many of us have spent *years* caring fully about the needs of sexual people and *hating* ourselves for not being better at pleasing them. I know I have met a lot of men and women on AVEN who have been through this, so don't act like we don't give a shit about sexual peoples needs and feelings.

You seem to have a pretty big chip on your shoulder surrounding this whole thing (asexual people actually caring about the asexual partner) but you shouldn't be taking your own unhappiness out on us in the way that you are, it's not cool.

I'll stop there, because you only seem intent on taking offense to what I am saying, regardless of what it is that I say.

[RedLeg]

WOW, what a reaction!!!

First let me begin with this quote "just because your offended doesn't make you right" I include myself in that comment.

I first came to this forum because I want to better understand what my wife might be going through. Also I felt alone in that I didn't know of any other sexual/asexual married couples. It has been of great comfort to me to know and share similar experiences with others like me. I must say with great sadness that I feel like a victim of the Asexual community now. I can not understand why most of you assume that I am the uncaring, sex craved, insensitive husband that forces sex on his wife. Really? Do you think that I would even be on this forum if I was truly that way? Who are you to pass judgment on me blossembreeze? And yes I was very offended by your comment, not that it make my opinion right.

I made some bad assumptions about this forum. One is that I could find support and understanding. Instead I find myself being judged by people that know little about me our even what to understand me.

As for the video I thought it was funny. Thank you for passing judgment on my sense of humor too. In the words of the great Bill Murray "lighten up Francis".

[Lucinda]

You seem to have a pretty big chip on your shoulder surrounding this whole thing (asexual people actually caring about the asexual partner) but you shouldn't be taking your own unhappiness out on us in the way that you are, it's not cool.

No .. No ... Skullery Maid cares about her boo big time ... so much so that the rest of us need not worry. She better care for herself too or there will be some folks who will worry!

It's the guilt tripping in either direction that is not cool, in my opinion. -_-

Lucinda

[Guest]

You seem to have a pretty big chip on your shoulder surrounding this whole thing (asexual people actually caring about the asexual partner) but you shouldn't be taking your own unhappiness out on us in the way that you are, it's not cool.

No .. No ... Skullery Maid cares about her boo big time ... so much so that the rest of us need not worry. She better care for herself too or there will be some folks who will worry!

It's the guilt tripping in either direction that is not cool, in my opinion. -_-

Lucinda

I was referring to her unhappiness that we were supporting the ace in this relationship *sigh* ..my comment had nothing to do with her own relationship.

Just because she was evidently very offended and unhappy that we were supporting the ace, that was no excuse to go and say we are calling the OP a rapist (which was just rude) or that we don't care about the feelings of our sexual partners (for those of us who have/had them)

As that comment was in reply to me, I felt it was directed *at* me, after I had specifically and very clearly stated that I *did* give my ex sexual intercourse, repeatedly, and have actually also said, repeatedly, that it's great that OP enjoyed the sex. There was no further info in the OPs initial comment as to the circumstances the sex was happening under or anything else, so I felt it important to address, for the sake of fairness, the asexual partners feelings also.

Guilt tripping? *sigh* if you felt guilty I'm sorry, but I certainly wasn't trying to guilt trip. As my initial comment (that I actually did care, very much, about my sexual partners feelings) appeared to have been overlooked, I felt it necessary to reiterate and expand on that, just to make things crystal clear: I certainly never *ever* sat there smugly enjoying the fact that we weren't having sex while he sat in a corner feeling sorry for himself.

I think most asexuals experience a lot of guilt around not being able to give their sexual partners what they want even when we *do* give them sex, just as sexual people feel guilt over wanting something their partner is reluctant/unable to give.

[Lucinda]

There was no further info in the OPs initial comment as to the circumstances the sex was happening under or anything else, so I felt it important to address, for the sake of fairness, the asexual partners feelings also.

I see ... if you will give me the username of RedLeg's wife, then I will be able to read about her feelings. Did she post a video also?

Lucinda

[Guest]

There was no further info in the OPs initial comment as to the circumstances the sex was happening under or anything else, so I felt it important to address, for the sake of fairness, the asexual partners feelings also.

I see ... if you will give me the username of RedLeg's wife, then I will be able to read about her feelings. Did she post a video also?

Lucinda

Actually apparently she doesn't even identify as asexual as far as I know.. why are you being rude? o.0

EDIT: I just reread your comment.. seriously, what has that got to do with anything?

[Sally]

I think that a lot of the guilt that asexuals may feel is that even if we have sex with our partners, it isn't the sex that they really want, because they want a partner who wants and enjoys sex as much as they do. "Sex" is just an overall term for an activity; it doesn't specify the perceived quality of that activity. Thus, although I had sex with my husband and then with my partner, I did feel guilty (even though I didn't know I was asexual) because I felt my partners -- especially my husband -- knew I didn't really enjoy it.

[noparlpf]

If you're bragging about having sex with an asexual for the first time in four months, i encourage you to think how THEY felt about it too. Have a conversation about it, even. Instead of just relishing in how great it was for you.

Why??? This seems like the meanest of advice. "Did you enjoy having sex with your partner? Then you're a monster, stop thinking about enjoying it immediately!"

Please enlighten me... why should those of us in relationships with asexuals go out of our way NOT to enjoy sex? How would you like it if my advice to asexuals was "oh, you didn't love sex? Well stop feeling that way and start thinking about how much they liked it."

As for the video... I see it's a parody video starring Andy Samberg, so I think most of you are taking far too seriously something that was intended to be immature and stupid.

People in mixed relationships are well aware we don't feel the same as our partners about sex. Most of us do feel kind of horrible after sex, but for the lucky ones who don't, like the fella above, why would you want to encourage the same emotional turmoil in them that the rest of us feel? that seems mean.

Uhm you quoted me on something i didn't say. I encouraged him to think about how his partner felt too, i didn't tell him to quit enjoying sex? i didn't tell him to stop? you can't make someone do that anyway?? You took my comment pretty seriously yourself. I think the video is dumb, personally, and I don't think that immature shit like that is funny. That aside, If simply considering how your partner feels (asexual or not btw) & talking about something as intimate as sex is too much emotional turmoil to deal with... how do you have a relationship? how is that consensual, even? Look, i get where you're coming from, I just don't think encouraging someone to try to look at things from another perspective outside their own is mean.

If you're in a mixed relationship, you do nothing but think about what the other person is feeling. Telling someone that instead of being happy for having sex, they instead should consider the misery of the other person IS mean. Not everything has to be about the asexual 100% of the time.

Yes, it's great that he finally got sex! and it's understandable that he, as a sexual, feels frustration at the sexual aspects of his marriage... but it's perfectly understandable that asexuals would voice their concerns for the wife's needs and overall happiness before celebrating the fact that the husband finally got some sex out of her.

I am sorry that this evidently offends and upsets you, but I don't think it's fair to say that we are calling the husband a rapist, because no one here is saying that. We are purely expressing concern for the wife's feelings, that's all.

Yes always the asexual's needs. Always. Thank gods you guys are here to remind us.

Let's be crystal clear about what happened here.

After FOUR MONTHS of doing nothing but thinking about his wife's preferences, he finally got to have sex, and assuming he was actually thrilled (and this is a big assumption, given the parody video), that's problematic? You guys feel like it's imperative that his joy be interrupted?

How is this for advice for asexuals:

Every second of every day that you're not having sex, you better remember how bad your partner feels. Enjoying your night off without sex? You better get thinking about how unwanted and lonely your partner feels.

Would you guys like it if every single time an asexual posted, sexuals jumped in to say that?

I find that there is a very big difference between doing something somebody else likes (e.g. sex with an allosexual partner, giving your friend a random gift on a random day, &c.) and not doing something somebody else dislikes (e.g. abstaining when dating an asexual partner, not cooking meat dishes for a vegetarian, &c.). The former is generous but not required. The latter is obligatory in a respectful relationship.

[Frigid Pink]

Don't know why everybody is getting so worked up. That video is supposed to be funny, which it was a little amusing. If it doesn't tickle your sense of humor than just don't watch it.

I feel that's a dismissive way to handle the situation and comes across as a way to silence those who don't share the majority view (or a personal view) as everyone's feelings are valid and a response of dislike is a valid response.

As for the video I thought it was funny. Thank you for passing judgment on my sense of humor too. In the words of the great Bill Murray "lighten up Francis".

I think it's okay to have differing views (feelings, senses of humor, responses, etc.) about the video (and other things) and to also express them (ideally without any personal attacks). "lighten up" comes across as a dismissive response.

[PatheticGirl]

Why are we even discussing it? I couldn't understand what they were saying....

[Guest]

I feel that's a dismissive way to handle the situation and comes across as a way to silence those who don't share the majority view (or a personal view) as everyone's feelings are valid and a response of dislike is a valid response.

Reality check -- you are the majority, we are the minority. And everyone's feelings may be valid, but not everyone's feelings are necessarily warranted in every thread.

I find that there is a very big difference between doing something somebody else likes (e.g. sex with an allosexual partner, giving your friend a random gift on a random day, &c.) and not doing something somebody else dislikes (e.g. abstaining when dating an asexual partner, not cooking meat dishes for a vegetarian, &c.). The former is generous but not required. The latter is obligatory in a respectful relationship.

So, your personal philosophy just so happens to make it totally fine for you not to have sex (but makes you "generous" if you do), but makes it not OK for a sexual partner to make it a requirement for the relationship? Isn't that mighty convenient. There's nothing that sways me more toward a person's thinking than finding out that their entire philosophy is centered around making sure they get exactly what they want.

You seem to have a pretty big chip on your shoulder surrounding this whole thing (asexual people actually caring about the asexual partner) but you shouldn't be taking your own unhappiness out on us in the way that you are, it's not cool.

I'll stop there, because you only seem intent on taking offense to what I am saying, regardless of what it is that I say.

I have no idea what your issue is or why you continue to make assumptions about people you don't know. Has this thread not taught you yet... DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW. DANG.

My issue with asexuals who feel the need to constantly chastise sexual partners is that it is mean, unhelpful, hostile, aggressive, rude, and it necessarily requires you to make the assumption that 1) we don't think or care about our partners, and 2) you know them better than we do.

I guarantee you, every one of your assumptions is wrong.

No one here has said the OP is a rapist, or anything of the sort.

I am sorry that this evidently offends and upsets you, but I don't think it's fair to say that we are calling the husband a rapist, because no one here is saying that. We are purely expressing concern for the wife's feelings, that's all.

There are many degrees to *not liking sex* and from this post I have no idea if the partner is in my category (which means the OP in this case is experiencing pleasure to the detriment of their partner possibly without even knowing it, he of course very probably is a much better man than my ex, but his partner may have given consent due to feeling awful after he had begged for so long, yet suffered miserably during the process of sex, while pretending to have fun through gritted teeth for his sake) or the partner may be in the category of an asexual who is able to enjoy the physical sensations of sex without experiencing any detriment to themselves.

From the amount of info the OP gave in his post, there is no way of knowing really one way of another.. and I know if people were saying "good job!" to my ex every time I gave in to sex, that would break my heart. However, if the partner did enjoy it at least to some degree (even if it was just emotional enjoyment of the pleasure the OP was recieving) then yay!

Actually, there have been many statements that, while not strictly using the word "rape", still intended to suggest that the sexual was taking advantage of the asexual. For example, the paragraph you typed above, right after saying no one has implied rape (aka the bolded stuff). I don't know who you think you are, but you are certainly not entitled to information from people just to make sure they're not abusive. No one owes you anything. The whole "he didn't give me enough info" thing is really really fucked up. You have not been elected judge and you simply have no right to talk to someone as if they're a bad person just because they didn't sufficiently prove to you that they aren't.

I think there's a difference between respect for how both the asexual person and sexual person feel as individuals in regards to engaging in partnered sex with one another (regardless of one partner not being "fully into it") and "pestering" (or pressure) for partnered sexual activity regardless of how the other person feels about it.

I think it's more about caring that the person who isn't "fully into it" is actually okay with it vs. "pestering" (or pressure) for something and getting consent for it regardless of how the other person feels about it or how it affects them. Basically, both partners need to be truly okay with the experience, regardless of consent. If someone doesn't feel okay about it, then that's not okay, consent or no consent. If someone doesn't care how the other person feels about it, then that's not okay, either.

This is one of the posts that most definitely hinted that the OP was taking advantage.

I tried to keep it fair in that yes, the partner may have been fully into it, but maybe they only gave in after four months of pestering.. from a post with so little info, it's hard to know without having to go through and view the OPs other posts, which I don't have time for :)

This is another post which suggests the OP took advantage.

Anyway (this bit is more in reply to SkulleryMaid) Back to the OPs post,as long as the ace wasn't miserable or upset during the sex, then it's great that the OP enjoyed it. As someone who has been coerced into sex etc, I know how awful sex is when one doesn't want it (I personally have never enjoyed sex because it's just not something I want, regardless of whether or not I am aroused). So yeah, as long as the OPs partner actually fully wanted the sex for whatever reason (ie wanted to do something special for his/her partner or whatever) and hopefully enjoyed it too, then that's all good :)

If you're bragging about having sex with an asexual for the first time in four months, i encourage you to think how THEY felt about it too. Have a conversation about it, even. Instead of just relishing in how great it was for you.

And again... not necessary. I promise you that our partners want us to enjoy ourselves and most certainly do not want us to sit and stew over how they probably didn't really enjoy it. My partner would freak out if someone gave me this "advice"! I wish she'd hop on here to elaborate, but she's notably AVEN-lazy. Anyway, I'm sure there are asexuals active on the site who likewise do not need their partners to think about how they don't like sex immediately after having sex. It's rude and its judgmental to suggest that someone isn't thinking about the person they love.

_________

Now then. Everyone in Sexual Partners should be giving sexuals the benefit of the doubt that they aren't abusers. There shouldn't be comments about how we didn't provide enough information for you to grace us with the belief that we aren't hurting our partners. If you can't do that, get off Sexual Partners. There are dozens of other forums. If you can't handle giving sexuals the benefit of the doubt, this is not where you belong. I have repeatedly said that Sexual Partners needs to have rules like Tea and Sympathy. When you have people coming here who are in extreme emotional distress, who have done nothing but think about and worry about and stress about and cry about their partners' lack of interest, the last goddamn thing they need is to open up (often for the very first time) about something extremely painful and have a bunch of asexuals say "did you think about how she feels?"

Trust me, we know how our partners feel. And I promise you, we know our partners much better than you do.

[Guest]

Also, Lucinda...

I always miss you guys so much whilst away!

[Guest]

wow you read *way* too much into everything I (and pretty much every one else here) said. Not only that, but you have taken my statements and twisted them to mean things they were never intended as, to support your own arguments. The OP actually liked a few of my posts and didn't express having serious issues with anything I said. If he does have serious issues with me or my comments, he can discuss those issues with me. I think you are just taking serious, serious offence over things I in no way intended to be offensive and you have pretty much derailed the thread over it. There's no point in me replying to you further, because you are just going to keep taking offence to, and twisting, every little thing I say. I'm done with your bigoted, unnecessarily hostile replies to me.

[Frigid Pink]

Reality check -- you are the majority, we are the minority. And everyone's feelings may be valid, but not everyone's feelings are necessarily warranted in every thread.

Didn't say whether I was personally in the majority or not; made a general comment about majority views and personal views. I think it's okay to post my views on AVEN (in any thread, really).

[Sally]

Welcome back, Skulls! It's nice to have someone else making inflammatory comments so I don't have to bear the whole burden of doing so. :lol:

[RAZS]

Im a newbie.....and a VERY sexual person but heres my two cents

I totally get the whole YAY FINALLY feeling. For me it usually lasts until we actually get into bed for sex lol. Because I know Im not going to enjoy myself too much. I love my girlfriend (we are not married because she doesnt believe in it) with all of my heart and I try very hard to keep control of my urges (she used to say I needed to develop some self control) but lately I find Im both extremely frustrated and resigned at the same time. Right now its been 13 months since she actually touched me and 7 months since she let me touch her. When there is actual sex in my house she very rarely touches me - 9 times out of 10 it goes 1 way. I dont ask very often anymore - I have learned its not going to go the way I would like it to. Every night we go to bed and she rolls over and goes to sleep while I sit and read a book for an hour or so - until my eyes are literally closing - because its the only way I can lay down next to her and NOT think about how much I would like to touch her.

When I try to be affectionate with her outside of our bed she gets this look on her face - Im sure there are others here who would recognize it - I kind of refer to it as the "Are you done yet" look. There is no response whatsoever - she doesnt hug me back or let me kiss her or react in any way at all. I might as well not even be there for all the reaction I get - its like I asked what she wants for dinner. About 2 months after she moved in with me I went and bought myself a body pillow - she doesnt like it when I curl up to her at night and again it makes it easier for me to keep a grip on myself. If in the night I roll over and curl up to her she pushes me away and mutters oh for cryin out loud enough already.

Im frustrated because it feels like my needs dont matter in the least to her. But at the same time Im resigned because I know that the love I have for her means that I will not leave her. I know that she loves me. I also know that this relationship has changed who I am - I used to be someone who would crack a joke (very often with sexual overtones lol ) without giving it a second thought - now I avoid anything to do with sex.

When I saw the post saying yay I finally got some after 4 months the only thing I thought was good for you hopefully you enjoyed it enough to hold you until the next time. The video - made me laugh honestly - because I get it - its a joke - just like a mixed relationship can be on this subject - its yay i had sex - and who the heck knows when its going to happen again so Im going to sing and dance and celebrate before I start to feel bad again.

I found this site a few weeks ago looking for some answers to what is (not) happening in my life but right now I have to say Im reading some of these posts and I think maybe she resents me wanting her as much as I resent her not wanting me. Feeling like the person you love most and want to be close to wants nothing to do with you is a huge hurt that doesnt go away and isnt getting any better. Its frustrating - I get offers but the only person I want to touch me wants nothing to do with me in that regard. I think that unless you have been on either side of this issue yourself you cant possibly understand how that person feels. I cant possibly understand how an asexual person feels and I would never claim that I can. But an asexual person has NO idea how a sexual person feels either.

[Guest]

wow you read *way* too much into everything I (and pretty much every one else here) said. Not only that, but you have taken my statements and twisted them to mean things they were never intended as, to support your own arguments. The OP actually liked a few of my posts and didn't express having serious issues with anything I said. If he does have serious issues with me or my comments, he can discuss those issues with me. I think you are just taking serious, serious offence over things I in no way intended to be offensive and you have pretty much derailed the thread over it. There's no point in me replying to you further, because you are just going to keep taking offence to, and twisting, every little thing I say. I'm done with your bigoted, unnecessarily hostile replies to me.

I don't think you know what bigoted means.

[Martin de V]

And this is why we can't have nice things....

[Guest]

I found this site a few weeks ago looking for some answers to what is (not) happening in my life but right now I have to say Im reading some of these posts and I think maybe she resents me wanting her as much as I resent her not wanting me. Feeling like the person you love most and want to be close to wants nothing to do with you is a huge hurt that doesnt go away and isnt getting any better. Its frustrating - I get offers but the only person I want to touch me wants nothing to do with me in that regard. I think that unless you have been on either side of this issue yourself you cant possibly understand how that person feels. I cant possibly understand how an asexual person feels and I would never claim that I can. But an asexual person has NO idea how a sexual person feels either.

Mmm. I think some of us can know some of what it feels to be rejected and unwanted. Not sexually, but in many other ways you named. My sexual partner rejects my physical affection, HE doesn't want to sleep in the bed with me, HE doesn't want to cuddle, HE doesn't want to kiss etc... even during sex, it usually ends up him so far away the only thing touching is the needed bits. I am the one that cuddles a pillow because I have nothing else to cuddle. That has nightmares because sleeping alone causes them, I never have them if I am sharing a bed. That does without any form of affection I want and is pushed away with an annoyed look if I am trying to hug him and he doesn't feel like it. The few times I have tried to get him to give me the type of affection I enjoy and makes me feel loved, he fiddled with blankets, bounced, was bored and actually asked if it had been long enough. Every other time it had to be turned to sex, completely ruining it for me and making it feel like a rejection.

So, I feel like my form of love is rejected. I feel like there is no way my physical needs can be met. But, I also recognize I can't make him LIKE what I want. So, my options are deal with the incompatibility or leave. And those options suck, but they are the only ones when someone truly doesn't enjoy something, cause you can get them to do it, but you can never get them to want it/enjoy it. I am very sensual and physically affectionate person. I can't be that with him. I decided it's not a need for me, though. Sounds like you have a similar problem with your ace as I do with my sexual. And I feel for you, because I do know how it feels to not be able to just walk up and kiss someone, or curl up next to them at night and fall asleep listening to their breathing with a warm body next to you. I will never know how it feels to want SEX, but longing for the rest, oh yes... some asexuals are very physically affectionate and some sexuals are not. It all varies so much.

For your partner's facial expressions etc, you could try talking to them and see if maybe they don't even realize they are doing it. My partner and I have sex A LOT (4-6 times a week) and it's just so boring to me, I can without realizing it do things that make him feel bad (sighing, looking annoyed, etc). He points it out to me now, because I don't even do it consciously... it's just a reaction to a really boring activity that takes an hour or so. I can't make myself enjoy it, but I can school my expression to something more neutral, so he doesn't have to feel like I am hating it every second. But, it took talking and getting little pokes when I accidentally do it. Something like that might help?

As for the rest of this thread... yes, it sucks for an ace to get pressured, but we had no evidence of such. Seems like a lot of assumptions were made based off a comedy video and a seemed to me lighthearted post from someone who was happy about getting sex after so long and thought other sexuals would understand the video. It's like when I joked about the Married sitcom line when the husband said to just cut everything off because he doesn't need it and the woman said "I'm OK with that" ... many aces would understand me saying that, even though it's a JOKE and I wouldn't actually want to castrate my partner. I would hope sexuals would be understanding enough to get that it was a joke and not be offended, so perhaps we could try to be understanding enough to not jump to assumptions based on this humor filled post? We don't know the OPs situation, at all.

[Guest]

wow you read *way* too much into everything I (and pretty much every one else here) said. Not only that, but you have taken my statements and twisted them to mean things they were never intended as, to support your own arguments. The OP actually liked a few of my posts and didn't express having serious issues with anything I said. If he does have serious issues with me or my comments, he can discuss those issues with me. I think you are just taking serious, serious offence over things I in no way intended to be offensive and you have pretty much derailed the thread over it. There's no point in me replying to you further, because you are just going to keep taking offence to, and twisting, every little thing I say. I'm done with your bigoted, unnecessarily hostile replies to me.

I don't think you know what bigoted means.

You are obstinately attached to the opinion that I was calling the OP a rapist, and are sticking by that stubbornly despite the fact that I have repeatedly explained myself. Not only that, but you are taking small portions of the things I have said, ignoring the rest, and twisting the meanings of those portions of my comments to support your argument (ie I say some asexuals don't enjoy sex: you say I'm saying ''Rapist!'' while ignoring the fact that in the same post I also said some asexuals enjoy sex very much, some asexuals enjoy the fact that their partner receives pleasure from sex even if they get no pleasure themselves, some asexuals are neutral.) And as a side-note to that just to be crystal clear, even though some asexuals don't enjoy sex, some hate it, that doesn't automatically make someone a rapist for having sex with them as you seem to think I was implying.

You are repeatedly saying I have called the OP a rapist while ignoring the fact that I have not only never said or implied that the OP is a rapist, but have actually made statements in support of the OP, I just tried to keep the ground neutral because if the OPs partner really hated the sex (NOT RAPE JUST NOT ENJOYING SEX) then I'm meh about the OP loving the sex but that does not mean I'm saying he's a rapist! (and as I seem to need to clarify every statement I make here, repeatedly, the 'meh' is in reference to the fact that I think sex is more awesome when both people at least get something out of it, but that does not make the OP a rapist or wrong for enjoying the sex)

I also clearly stated that I was never referring to whether or not consent was given, because obviously consent was given, there was never any question of that!

So yeah you are being extremely bigoted in your opinion that I was calling the OP a rapist; that's your opinion and you are standing staunchly by it despite my repeated explanations to the contrary. You need to stop trying to turn everything I say into an attack on sexuals who enjoy sex and on the OP because I never intended that to be the case; I was not calling the OP a rapist and you are unreasonably standing by that and using that as an excuse to be hostile and rather rude towards me. Don't start insulting my intelligence on top of everything else you have done here.

[RedLeg]

Let just put the whole rapist thing aside and agree that from the information that I have provided and from what you know about me, that I am not a rapist.

[Guest]

wow you read *way* too much into everything I (and pretty much every one else here) said. Not only that, but you have taken my statements and twisted them to mean things they were never intended as, to support your own arguments. The OP actually liked a few of my posts and didn't express having serious issues with anything I said. If he does have serious issues with me or my comments, he can discuss those issues with me. I think you are just taking serious, serious offence over things I in no way intended to be offensive and you have pretty much derailed the thread over it. There's no point in me replying to you further, because you are just going to keep taking offence to, and twisting, every little thing I say. I'm done with your bigoted, unnecessarily hostile replies to me.

I don't think you know what bigoted means.

You are obstinately attached to the opinion that I was calling the OP a rapist, and are sticking by that stubbornly despite the fact that I have repeatedly explained myself. Not only that, but you are taking small portions of the things I have said, ignoring the rest, and twisting the meanings of those portions of my comments to support your argument (ie I say some asexuals don't enjoy sex: you say I'm saying ''Rapist!'' while ignoring the fact that in the same post I also said some asexuals enjoy sex very much, some asexuals enjoy the fact that their partner receives pleasure from sex even if they get no pleasure themselves, some asexuals are neutral.) And as a side-note to that just to be crystal clear, even though some asexuals don't enjoy sex, some hate it, that doesn't automatically make someone a rapist for having sex with them as you seem to think I was implying.

You are repeatedly saying I have called the OP a rapist while ignoring the fact that I have not only never said or implied that the OP is a rapist, but have actually made statements in support of the OP, I just tried to keep the ground neutral because if the OPs partner really hated the sex (NOT RAPE JUST NOT ENJOYING SEX) then I'm meh about the OP loving the sex but that does not mean I'm saying he's a rapist! (and as I seem to need to clarify every statement I make here, repeatedly, the 'meh' is in reference to the fact that I think sex is more awesome when both people at least get something out of it, but that does not make the OP a rapist or wrong for enjoying the sex)

I also clearly stated that I was never referring to whether or not consent was given, because obviously consent was given, there was never any question of that!

So yeah you are being extremely bigoted in your opinion that I was calling the OP a rapist; that's your opinion and you are standing staunchly by it despite my repeated explanations to the contrary. You need to stop trying to turn everything I say into an attack on sexuals who enjoy sex and on the OP because I never intended that to be the case; I was not calling the OP a rapist and you are unreasonably standing by that and using that as an excuse to be hostile and rather rude towards me. Don't start insulting my intelligence on top of everything else you have done here.

Still don't think you know what bigoted means.

[Guest]

I found this site a few weeks ago looking for some answers to what is (not) happening in my life but right now I have to say Im reading some of these posts and I think maybe she resents me wanting her as much as I resent her not wanting me. Feeling like the person you love most and want to be close to wants nothing to do with you is a huge hurt that doesnt go away and isnt getting any better. Its frustrating - I get offers but the only person I want to touch me wants nothing to do with me in that regard. I think that unless you have been on either side of this issue yourself you cant possibly understand how that person feels. I cant possibly understand how an asexual person feels and I would never claim that I can. But an asexual person has NO idea how a sexual person feels either.

The resentment issue...

I think whether or not your partner feels resentment depends on a lot of factors. My gut feeling says that if sexual partners are telling their aces things like "but sex is normal, you have try" or "you don't love me if you don't want to have sex with me", that will create resentment quickly. I don't think anyone means to do it intentionally, but backing someone into the corner and making them "prove" their love or commitment or whathaveyou... that has resentment written all over it. If a sexual partner doesn't acknowledge the other's feelings and needs, that would create resentment.

I don't think it's significantly different from anything else in a relationship. If cleaning the house every day without thanks, without acknowledgement, and without any effort on your spouse's behalf would make someone resentful, then that's going to be true about sex too. If a sexual decides that sex "just is" part of the relationship and considers it an unquestionable fact, that's going to breed resentment.

But, everybody is different. My partner is just... oblivious. She isn't resentful at all because she thinks everything is great. She genuinely believes when we don't have sex its because I don't really want to either. Doesn't matter that I tell her that's not true. Doesn't matter how many times we talk about it. She feels how she feels, which is good, and she assumes I feel that way too. I've considered several times suggesting couple's counseling because she doesn't seem to be able to retain for more than about 12 hours anything I say about sex... but then I think, what outcome do I actually want? Do I WANT her to sit and think about how I want sex? What would that accomplish? Nothing. It would just make her less happy, and I don't want to make her less happy. So for us, there is no resentment unless we try to up our sex frequency. Then she gets real resentful real fast.

Here are two things, for what its worth, that I've found helpful re: curbing resentment from the asexual partner:

1) sexuals should turn down sex sometimes, even if you don't want to turn it down. It really is surprisingly helpful.

2) if your partner declines sex, don't try again the next day and the next day. This one is harder for me to remember because, in my mind, it's like "but we haven't had sex for so long!" but to her, it's like "I've had to deal with this sex thing every damn day!" For me, I try to think of it like making plans. I'm fairly anti-social, so when someone asks me to hang out and I defer, and they ask the next day and I defer, and they ask the next day, I feel exhausted. I know that from their perspective, we've never hung out, but from my perspective, all I've done for 4 days was fret over their invitations. So, I think it's helpful to space it out.

If you don't mind me asking, how often do you guys have sex now, and how many times do you get rejected before it actually happens? What does your gf say about her sexual appetite?

Oh, one more thing... like Serran's partner, I'm one of those jerks who loves sex but doesn't otherwise love physical affection. I don't really "get" cuddling and stuff, and I really dislike PDA. I can tell by my partner's behavior when I've gotten too withdrawn, affection-wise, and I try to make an effort. I feel like non-sexual (or semi-sexual, depending on how your partner feels) affection is a great place to start learning to compromise. Perhaps talking with your girlfriend about this aspect first would help? I think it's easier to tie the feeling of being loved to non-sexual affection as opposed to sex, which can be very offensive to asexuals, so maybe that's a good starting point.

But, I also recognize I can't make him LIKE what I want. So, my options are deal with the incompatibility or leave. And those options suck, but they are the only ones when someone truly doesn't enjoy something, cause you can get them to do it, but you can never get them to want it/enjoy it.

Totally!

I was just thinking this morning that for me personally, acceptance is the only real option. There is no compromise for us, unfortunately... she doesn't want to have sex when she doesn't feel like it, and honestly, I don't want her to. And I could sit and wish I had a different set of circumstances in front of me, but all the wishing in the world won't make it so. Dealing with things as they are is surprisingly easy. It's accepting that things are how they are that's the hard part.

It's like when I joked about the Married sitcom line when the husband said to just cut everything off because he doesn't need it and the woman said "I'm OK with that" ...

Have you guys talked about Married??! I came back to start a thread on the topic but everyone was real hostile about how SHE'S NOT REALLY ASEXUAL.

Still though, my lady and I loved the show, watched it religiously. It make us uncomfortable, but in a good way I think.

[noparlpf]

@Skullery Maid

Real reality check: asexuals are approximately 1-5% of the population. In fact, you are the majority. Yes, this is AVEN and most posters are on the ace spectrum, but out in the real world, we're not even anything close to the majority.

With regards to my...how did you say it? Personal philosophy? Yeah.

Anyway, seeing as you ignored my previous non-sexual example (because this doesn't only apply to sex, it applies to pretty much all interpersonal interactions), let me try some very basic, general examples. Generous but not required: donating to charity. Poor people do want to eat and clothe their children. Obligatory and respectful: not stealing from the poor. I don't think they want what little they have taken from them. Generous but not required: holding a door for somebody. Obligatory and respectful: not slamming a door in somebody's face as they walk behind you. Et cetera.

The thing is, I'm not "getting what I want." (Well, for the record, I'm not even entirely aro/ace. Check the sidebar.) I'm not having something I don't want forced upon me (by an individual, by social pressure, &c.; and keep in mind that even if you do not actively pressure your partner for sex, there is a strong social pressure there, and as many of us have mentioned, the asexual partner will often feel bad because they can't give you something you want, so they create their own guilt/pressure there). There's a big difference.

Oh yeah, and another aside: I've been on both sides of this. Both of the two girls I've ever liked are solidly asexual. My ex liked to cuddle but couldn't deal with kissing, let alone sex. My sex drive is pretty minimal, but further into that relationship I did occasionally start to want more. The friend I currently like is totally aro/ace and can't even reciprocate emotionally, although she basically treats me as furniture, which can make things very painful for me sometimes. Conversely, a straight friend who liked me in high school was so frustrated that she actually tried to force herself on me when she was very drunk; meanwhile, I felt bad that I couldn't reciprocate because I liked her platonically but couldn't force romantic or sexual interest, and I didn't even blame her for what she tried. Another friend in undergrad liked me and again I couldn't force romantic interest (although she was much more reserved and didn't express any sexual interest at the time).