Village Voice - Dan goes up against Avenguy...

[Orbit]

Warning - there is strong language in this article:

http://www.villagevoice.com/people/0536,savage,67575,24.html


Way to go DJ - great responses. When did you answer this?

hawke




2013 Mod Edit - For future reference:

SAVAGE LOVE

Asexual Revolution

How can I tell if I’m asexual? Is it a legitimate orientation or am I just a seething ball of neuroses?

Sex does nothing for me. I can’t orgasm (even when I attempt masturbation), so my husband doesn’t go there. That’s fine by me. I HATE my people-parts; I find them utterly icky. At any rate, I apparently perform good fellatio, so the no-intercourse thing isn’t such an issue. My marriage seems fine; we laugh and share the same lefty values and cuddle on the couch. When he has needs he fondles my breasts and nuzzles me; this indicates "go down on me now, please." So I do. However, I feel nothing.

Is that normal? I’m well-adjusted otherwise, a productive member of society and all that. I am cheerful, good-humored, and pretty, too. Are some people simply not wired to be into sex? I’m certainly into love. I feel very passionate about my husband and my friends, but it’s completely cerebral. If it’s of any use, I’m 31 and I dislike pooping, too.

Basically: Am I fucked up? Is it okay to not be sexual? Should my sorry butt be in therapy?

Insert Name Here

After the results of a study on asexuality were published in the Journal of Sex Research in August 2004, a new sexual minority group began taking its turn up on the wicked stage. Everyone from the BBC to Salon to the New Scientist weighed in on the one percent of the population that, according to UK researchers, "had never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all."

Reading your letter, INH, I didn’t sense indifference, just disgust — with people-parts, with pooping, with blow jobs. There’s asexuality and then there’s being repulsed by sex, also known as "sexual aversion disorder." So, yeah, I would describe you as fucked-up and order you to get your sorry butt into therapy.

The go-to guy for quotes and insights into asexuality is David Jay, a 23-year-old asexual from St. Louis, Missouri, and the founder of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (http://www.asexuality.org/).

"Show me anyone, sexual or asexual, who isn’t in some way fucked-up and I’ll gag," says Jay. "The question she should be asking herself is not, ‘Am I fucked up?’ but, ‘Do I need sex to be happy?’ "

If you conclude that sex just isn’t for you, Jay would advise you to take stock of your situation from a nonsexual standpoint. "Instead of focusing your energy on worrying about sex (which up to now has been nothing but boring), focus on further exploring the things that you actually find pleasurable."

And your husband’s needs?

"I wouldn’t be that worried about your husband," Jay says. "If he had some overwhelming need to have more sex, he probably would have mentioned it by now."

Hmm, I respectfully dissent. While it’s possible that your husband is content with the odd perfunctory blow job, it’s more likely that he doesn’t press the matter because he loves you. But he probably misses women’s people-parts, INH, and one day the opportunity to fuck the shit out of another woman’s people-parts is going to present itself and he’ll seize it. And this, I think, will be the ultimate test of your asexual cred. If you don’t think sex is important, then it shouldn’t matter to you if your husband does this hugely unimportant thing with someone else every once in a while.

[Eta Carinae]

And this, I think, will be the ultimate test of your asexual cred. If you don't think sex is important, then it shouldn't matter to you if your husband does this hugely unimportant thing with someone else every once in a while.

So if I'm not comfortable with my (theoretical) husband betraying me, or find that I get jealous when he shares something with someone else that I can't share with him, or worry that he'll emotionally leave me if he screws another women, I'm suddenly not asexual? I call bullshit. And I call bullshit on Dan's statement that the woman sounds so freaked out about sex it's a disorder: she's clearly comfortable enough with it to go down on her husband, and doesn't sound grossed out about that.

Also, "it doesn't sound like she does, but the question is probably worth exploring with a best friend and a six-pack"? What is DJ suggesting?

[McBuh]

Right, Inkburrow. It's a logical fallacy. Just because she doesn't want sex, or even doesn't think sex should be indicative of love, it doesn't mean that she can't recognize that her husband does think sex is indicative of love and hence it is appropriate to view the adultery as a lack of love.

He's treating asexuality as a belief that sex is unimportant. It isn't a belief; it's a nonrational psychological tendency that, by itself, has no moral implications about the behavior of others.

[cijay]

"it doesn't sound like she does' date=' but the question is probably worth exploring with a best friend and a six-pack"? What is DJ suggesting?[/quote']

I just though it meant that people talk more freely over booze...but that's just my asexual mind thinking again.

I'm not a big fan of Dan Savage anyway (I think he reminds me of my brother and cousin when they were 14, making armpit farts and coming up with how many ways they can say 'fuck' in a conversation) but the letter writer was talking about not liking pooping either. I get her point that bodily functions "down there" repulse her but it hardly works in with not being sexually attracted to someone.

Also, what many people figure is the alternative to having genital sex is oral sex. There are a lot of hets and gays who get grossed out by oral sex. I'm grossed out by oral sex but I'm simply 'not interested' in genital sex.

[feef]

I saw this one! My friend was reading it on the bus and said to me "Hey, it has stuff about asexuals in here. Want to read it after me?"

Dan Savage is often harsh, but I guess that's part of the appeal for some people. Besides, he's more likely to be leaning in the "six-pack and a friend" direction, I mean. He does write a sex column, not a not-intrested-in-having-sex column.