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Shadow&Light

How can a Demiromantic date?

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Shadow&Light

I don't know how to date. I think I am demiromantic because I only develop romantic feelings after knowing someone for a while (Usually after we've been friends a few months and seeing each other on a regular basis).

Dating the way other people do (meeting strangers basically) doesn't make sense to me. I can't tell after going on one date, or two, or three, whether romantic feelings will ever develop. But I feel like there is an implicit expectation to let the other person know if you are interested. The few times I've tried it, I freaked out after the second date and disappeared.

On the other hand, when I do develop romantic feelings for someone, they're already a friend. So I go through the whole dilemma of: Do I want to risk ruining the friendship if it doesn't work out or making things awkward if they reject me? To make it worse, they might already be in a romantic relationship (I don't have a lot of single friends) so they're basically out.

I can't think of how I'd ever end up in a relationship. Not that I necessarily want one. But sometimes I wonder if I am missing out.

Are there any demiromantics out there who are or have been in romantic relationships? How did it happen? Give me hope!

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Ace of Cakes

I'm demiromantic as well and have only had 2 real, lasting, romantic crushes in my life. The first one, I never told a soul. I was in high school, so it confused me why I was feeling this way for the first time, plus the guy was one of my few guy friends and there was no way I was risking that. So I never said anything about it.

However, I'm dating a guy now, so don't lose hope. We were friends first, and I would have done the same thing as before when I started liking him as "more than a friend" but since he started liking me too, he made the move to talk to me about how he was feeling. That's how we ended up together.

I know it's hard to think about risking a friendship, but that might e what you have to do at some point! I had been considering telling him how I felt, but I don't know if I ever would have. I'm definitely glad he decided to say something!

Don't lose hope. It may not be easy, but it can happen!

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Notte stellata

I'm pretty much demiromantic, although I used to have crushes very easily, which is why I'm not totally sure if I became demiromantic or just pickier. But that doesn't matter. What matters is dating also doesn't work for me. I have to be friends first, without any further expectations about where the relationship will go. I don't really worry about ruining the friendship when confessing my romantic feelings, because if we're close friends, they most likely value friendship as much as I do and probably won't stop being friends even if they don't reciprocate my romantic interest. Plus, I tend to get along with people who don't see a sharp contrast between friendship and romance, so they're less likely to freak out at (one-sided) romantic feelings in friendships (I think so - haven't really tested it :P).

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Asexy Aspie

I feel the exact same way. >_< I really wish I realized that I was demi-romantic before jumping into a relationship with a fellow asexual. I feel really guilty because they're being very romantic and sweet to me, but I can't honestly return those feelings until I've known them for a few more months. :(

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apokalyptisch

I'm similar. I actually develop sexual feelings (because I'm demisexual) before my romantic feelings :wacko:

So what I do to conquer it is force myself to go on dates. I pretend I'm just getting to know a new friend. I use dating apps and all that because, whatever, it's a shot in the dark anyway!

I go on dates and get to know the person. If they're weird and creepy and awful then, whatever, no harm done, I checked out a new restaurant and met a weirdo and I have some fun stories for my friends. If they aren't totally awful I go for second dates, etc. I do some filtering on the dating sites to get rid of the people who seem to just be into casual sex or whatever. If they start getting handsy on the first date I tell them "I need some more time, but trust me, if you can wait it'll be worth it". Shit like that keeps some people around.

I then find myself just wanting to screw around with them a handful of dates in because, whatever. I don't really CARE about them yet, because I don't KNOW them enough to. But they're a free, willing person who is enthusiastically consenting so no harm done.

I don't actually start wanting to give them nicknames and cuddle until we've been seeing each other for a couple of months.

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Shadow&Light

I'm similar. I actually develop sexual feelings (because I'm demisexual) before my romantic feelings :wacko:

So what I do to conquer it is force myself to go on dates. I pretend I'm just getting to know a new friend. I use dating apps and all that because, whatever, it's a shot in the dark anyway!

I wish I could do that. But I get very uncomfortable because the other person will start acting romantic and I can't reciprocate and can't guarantee that i ever will. And I experience sexual feelings sporadically. So there is a good chance I won't be able to fool around with them either. I don't want to tell them to wait and it'll be worth it because they might wait and I'd still not want to be with them in that way.

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apokalyptisch

I'm similar. I actually develop sexual feelings (because I'm demisexual) before my romantic feelings :wacko:

So what I do to conquer it is force myself to go on dates. I pretend I'm just getting to know a new friend. I use dating apps and all that because, whatever, it's a shot in the dark anyway!

I wish I could do that. But I get very uncomfortable because the other person will start acting romantic and I can't reciprocate and can't guarantee that i ever will. And I experience sexual feelings sporadically. So there is a good chance I won't be able to fool around with them either. I don't want to tell them to wait and it'll be worth it because they might wait and I'd still not want to be with them in that way.

Yeah, but I'll say that and things still don't work out like 80% of the time. You don't owe anybody anything. Saying that isn't a contract. I'm sure if they are willing to wait and you do end up in a happy relationship together, it'll be worth it, right? When you're old farts reminiscing, they'll be glad they didn't try to shag you on the first date, right? That's it.

Honestly, too, I find people are less likely to be romantic than they are sexual. The flowers and staring in each other's eyes and watching the stars/clouds don't happen until you're smitten. A lot of people want to do the exploring and getting to know first. (Or that could just be representative of my area, or the types of people on dating sites I use, or the types that I get matched with)

Just don't give up because of what the other person might be thinking. Dating is long odds to begin with. Make decisions for you, not them. I have walked out on dates countless times. You'll be fine.

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Rising Sun

I never had a date with somebody I didn't know enough. The way things worked for me (which can be adapted to an IRL context) : we met online and were introduced to each other as potential dates by a friend we had in common ; we started being online friends while keeping in mind that the friendship could become a relationship later ; we eventually fell in love with each other after one year, so we had a date to meet in real for the first time and see if things would work ; we started a relationship. IRL, a date would be useless, as a talk would be enough to make the friendship become a relationship.

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Whispearl

I'm demiromantic and I'm sort of in the beginning stages of my very first relationship. I've only known the guy for a good month and a half, but our friendship got very strong very quickly, and he's only the second guy I've ever had a crush on. We spend a lot of time together and do typical romance stuff every so often, so it feels like a relationship, but nobody's really called it that yet. I wasn't looking for anyone and I get the impression that he wasn't either, and I think the progression from friendship to sort-of-relationship (where we are now) happened a bit by accident. And I think the key in that was both of us going in without expectations and just letting things happen naturally. So honestly don't sweat it; put yourself out there but don't go too crazy about dating because the right things will happen at the right times.

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Notte stellata

I'm similar. I actually develop sexual feelings (because I'm demisexual) before my romantic feelings :wacko:

So what I do to conquer it is force myself to go on dates. I pretend I'm just getting to know a new friend. I use dating apps and all that because, whatever, it's a shot in the dark anyway!

I wish I could do that. But I get very uncomfortable because the other person will start acting romantic and I can't reciprocate and can't guarantee that i ever will. And I experience sexual feelings sporadically. So there is a good chance I won't be able to fool around with them either. I don't want to tell them to wait and it'll be worth it because they might wait and I'd still not want to be with them in that way.

I've tried telling people that I needed time to develop romantic feelings and there's no guarantee that it would happen at all, but it didn't work well. Well, mostly because they didn't have the patience to wait, but even if they did, I'd probably have felt pressured, which might actually hinder the development of feelings. So don't force yourself if you're uncomfortable doing that. Do what feels natural for you. You're not the only one who doesn't like dating, so it's entirely possible that you can find someone who has a similar approach.

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IanH

When I wasn't with my current girlfriend, I was basically a loner. During school, I sat alone, I didn't care if I was or wasn't in a relationship. If someone were to ask why I don't have a girlfriend, I would just say, I don't care. My relationship with my current GF started with her. I've heard men usually start the relationship but in my case, it was my girlfriend. She started hanging around me, we started talking. But I didn't have actual "I want to date you" feelings until I've gotten a chance to know her. Once that feeling developed, I was interested in dating her.

I hope I was of some help because my problem is that although I know I'm Biromantic, I've never tried dating another guy. Girls typically showed interest in me first, not to mention I wasn't open to the possibility at that time that I may be gay. So, I can't help with same sex relationships.

(I'm assuming you are referring to same sex relationships because it says your romantic orientation is homoromantic. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.)

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daylight00

Hi everyone, this is my first post as I am new to the community. I actually went to a sex/relationship therapist because I had no idea why I was like this (everything you describe is what my romantic endeavors are like) and if there was something wrong with me, and after many sessions my therapist introduced me to the asexuality spectrum / demisexuality and I was completely unaware of this. It's so nice not to feel alone anymore and to finally have some semblance of identity instead of feeling outcast... So first of all I just wanted to thank you all for sharing and being there for each other.

I'm the same way - I've dated a lot of people since I was in high school and I have tried the "traditional" way of dating and this never worked for me, I always ended up freaking out and feeling weird about the situation; eventually becoming distant and not talking with the person I am dating in these situations. The relationships I have been that have lasted have been with people who have started out as friends -- and you're absolutely right; I'm always hesitant to start relationships or share my feelings when they do develop for fear of ruining friendships, etc. I've had this happen once with someone I met in college who I was friends with for 2 years. Our social circles were linked pretty heavily and when we did eventually break up, it was pretty devastating for everyone. I've been hung up on this for awhile now, but I've been becoming comfortable with my orientation lately and understanding what was going on with me.

I think a good approach might be to visualize the type of qualities you desire in an eventual romantic partner and engage in "anticipatory socialization", where you befriend people who share your interests, values, and qualities you desire and who you may potentially like to date based on these qualities. If you develop feelings for them, then you can let them know about this if it feels right and perhaps enter a relationship. Otherwise, you have a new friend who shares common interests and values. Just a thought, this might not work for everyone but may perhaps serve as an alternative to "dating strangers."

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Smmk

Dating is and never will be something I want to do. I always get extremely uncomfortable. Especially when my date, or anyone for that matter, is trying to be romantic with me and I just can't take it seriously. I'd rather date a friend.

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Fire & Rain

I'm not sure I'm demiromantic. I could be. Dating has never worked for me even when I considered myself as Panromantic. I've always preferred having some kind of emotional connection first before I start to feel other types of attraction. So I was always drawn to my close friends. I had been lucky so far because my friends always confessed first so I didn't have to go through all of that "confessing" thing. I don't desire romantic relationships anyway. If you have feelings for one of your friends, try to spend some more time with them and see where it goes.

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pyroshadow

I think a good approach might be to visualize the type of qualities you desire in an eventual romantic partner and engage in "anticipatory socialization", where you befriend people who share your interests, values, and qualities you desire and who you may potentially like to date based on these qualities. If you develop feelings for them, then you can let them know about this if it feels right and perhaps enter a relationship. Otherwise, you have a new friend who shares common interests and values. Just a thought, this might not work for everyone but may perhaps serve as an alternative to "dating strangers."

This has it's upsides and downsides,

I've had several friends who have noted our similarities and wanted to date but after being friends and getting to know them, I've had no interest in them that way as I learn how they are with their GF's and such, and a lot still dismiss the idea of grey/demi's with the whole "oh you just haven't found the right person to make you interested in sex".

But at the same time, all my relationships have come from befriending the person prior, even if only for a short time.

I've tried going on more traditional dates and I've generally felt really bad for saying I'm not interested in the person when after a few dates they want to be my bf or whatever, and with online dating I've constantly had to tell people to f*k off as they're out just looking for sex -.-

I'm tempted to just start a demi/grey/ace friend/dating site so people don't have such expectations to want to date after one night, nor want sex out of it.

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