Need advice

[Leannehayley]

Hello everyone. This is my first post.

I have been with my husband for 18 years met him when I was 16 and he was 19.

A month ago my husband told me that he was having trouble being intimate with me, getting anxiety at the thought of it. Saying he didn't have a desire for sex and that he was just doing it to keep me happy as he loves me. So he went to a therapist about it, they talked twice then he went for blood tests etc to see if it was to do with testosterone etc but all results came back normal. He says he doesn't have any dirty thoughts and can't even masterbate.

This is very confusing to me as we have had sex for the last 18 years, we have had talks about how I didn't feel wanted as sometimes our sex life would just fade away and we would go without sex for about 3 weeks. But then next we would be at it like rabbits.

He says it has been getting worse over the last few years. I was diagnosed with breast cancer a year and half ago, went through mastectomy, chemo and radiotherapy. I am all good now. He said during my treatment he felt relaxed as he knew I wasn't in the mood for sex, which I wasn't. But after my treatment and that we began having sex again. It was good sex. He even suggested that we have sex in my work place (office, no cameras, lol) we did that twice. I never suggested to him to do that. I asked him why he did if he didn't like the though of sex, he said he was trying things out to see if he got that list back. Now given he did have the lust/desire thing it's not like he never had it. He says he hasn't had it for a while.

I am.in pieces over this, he doesn't want to have sex ever again. I feel like he's dumped me, my heart is aching so bad at the thought that we'll never make love again. My husband has basically said let's just be friends but how can you be just friends when you have to sleep next to the man you love and desire? It's torture. Do you think going to a therapist together would help?

Thank you for any help.

[Chewy]

Just because he doesn't want sex doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Definitely, more communication would help.

[Down in Texas]

I totally understand how you feel. It was about the same point in my marriage that things went downhill rapidly also. However sex was never on his priority list I was always the one to initiate and it wasn't until he stopped responding and started to roll away from my advances.

We have been married now for over 40+ years and I only learned about asexuality a little over two years ago. It hurt really bad at first to learn that all my Hopes of a "cure" were lost. There is no "cure" because they are no more broken than we are. They are just who they are just as we are who we are. There are many levels of tolerance on both sides of the spectrum. If you understand that "The LOVE" for each other is still there then with time and understanding you can get past this if you choice to! But the two of you are the only ones that can really answer that.

In MY opinion and I must emphasize MY! I have never gone to a counselor because I have no way of knowing to what degree of sexual or asexual the counselor may be. They will be either for you or against you so to speak. In MY opinion they may help one while hurting the other. For ME it is something I feel has to be worked out between myself and my husband.

I wish you and yours the best I will answer any question you may have if I can feel free to PM me if you do not wish to openly post some questions.